What are you doing New Years Eve?

So here I am. In Tartu. Its the last day of 2011 and Im loving it. It has been a slow slow morning. Woke up after 10 hours of sweet sleep and then did some little shopping. Now Im kind of waiting for the evening to arrive. Im going the the New Years Eve Ball. Jep. THE BALL.
I know I know Im going alone, no date, nada. But who the heck cares? I have my friends, my joy, my love, I have my dress and shoes. The other stuff can wait for a little longer. I dont need a man to keep me happy. :) And for that alone I am happy. Ok too much happy-talk.
So 2011.
What have you done to me?
How, what, where, when, why?
So much has happened this year I cant even count or think clearly anymore. A lot of good things, a bunch of weird things, a little less bad things. :) I am enjoying my Father´s love more then ever before. I know who I am and Im not afraid anymore to be Kirsika. To be me. I am more honest then I was last year. And not only to myself but with others as well.
The biggest change was to start 2011 single again. Now that was hard. Getting used to someone else around all the time and suddenly there is only you. Of c friends etc. But back from being engaged to single. Not easy. But God has brought me to a place of love and peace at the moment. Well kind of. Im not strong. But with Him I am. :)
The second change was moving to Bala. And to start working for a B&B. Now that is far away from Estonia. Sometimes way too far. Oh well. But sometimes we need these kind of changes. Big time.
Third one is getting to know myself more and more. And realizing Im not a loooser. Not at all! ;)
But now.
What has changed in your year 2011? Why? When? Are you happy? If you dont want to answer to me, dont. But think ab it a little. ARE YOU HAPPY with what you´re doing? With where you are? Are you?
:)

IF YOU GOTTA START SOMEWHERE WHY NOT HERE?
IF YOU GOTTA START SOMETIME WHY NOT NOW?
We just finished watching a movie called "Grace Card". I havent cried so hard in the end of a movie ever never before. I strongly suggest you to watch this movie. And not because I liked it but because you need to see this one. It is about grace, forgiveness, love, peace. I have big problems with forgiving sometimes. Im a human-being. Im not a robot who has no emotions, no feelings. But Father is with me and in me. In my 24 years people have hurt me, used me, mistreated me. Just like I have done that to others. And just like you have done to others and others have done to you.
B U T.
There is grace.
There is forgiveness.
Love.
And peace.
So what are you waiting for?
If you gotta start somewhere why not here?
If you gotta start sometime why not now?

There wont...

...be a day without You.
It is not possible that God does not show up in our everyday lives. It is just not possible for Him to not love us. Through our friends, through sunsets, through families, through good food, through little things around us. Cmn, just open your eyes and tell me you dont see God in little things. Tell me and Im not gonna believe you. ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtLs8N6rlFU&feature=plcp&context=C3c96100UDOEgsToPDskLwbGuGf24miw3ZHSAsJG0n

So Ive been home for a week now. 1 more week to go and back I go. Its been one amazing week. Started off not so good, Ester being a bit trixy, but as the time went on it just got better and better. Ive been seeing relatives, good friends, beautiful island Saaremaa etc. Ive been able to spend time with Ester. With mum and dad. Yesterday I walked around in Viljandi with my 2 best friends from school time. It was just awesome and it felt so unreal. It was like a question in the air - is it really real??? Are we really together again. I hadnt seen one of them for 4 years and one for 2 years. Wow. And there we were, chatting like time meant nothing. And it is so true, time does mean nothing in these things. Of c we have all moved on with our lives, but then again, we still care and we still love each other.
So 1 more week eh. Im going to Tartu tomorrow for 3-4 days. Not sure yet, but Im so gonna enjoy my time there as well.
Ok, if there wont be more posts this year then next year for sure sure.
Love you.
Kirsi

...

http://www.youtube.com/kirsika21 - Ive got 3 new songs uploaded there! :) We had some fun with Margus on the 24th of December. So go check them out for yourself, have a little laugh at one of them and just enjoy! I am so very sorry about the quality, it might not be the best, but who cares!
Love, Kirsi...

:)

Stupid HOME ALONE I. Seriously, makes me want to have snow. Real bad.

But at the moment it just doesnt matter. Im home to my mum, dad, grandpa, Ester, and my lovely friends. Had 2 friends visiting me already, wonderful girls. Uh. :) Great day (if I forget the fact that I got sick when I got home, I mean just stomach-flu or smth, not great, but who cares?)...

So there you go. My first day at home.

278

Its 4.12 am and Kirsi is going home today! :)

im
gonna
hug
you
all
for
the
next
2
weeks
!!!

Little rain.

Oh how cozy I feel at the moment sitting on my bed listening to the crazy rain outside. Its just pouring and pouring. I think bringing my pink rubber.boots was the best decision I have EVER made. Seriously. Bala is the master of rain. It is so constant here that I dont even notice it anymore. I used to dislike rain so so so much coz it stopped me from doing stuff. It sure doesnt stop me anymore.
And the other cozy thing. My Mr. Darcy is loving me today. Well, not my finger-tips (oh men, thats the hardest part for me. I used to love love love having long nails, polished red or smth, and not its only short and the finger-tips, uggh, hard and calloused), but hey, thats not the main thing right. The thing is that I just played an hour or so. Tried to sing along but it was more just enjoying playing this time... Dont know whats with that. Sometimes its horrible, sometimes wonderful. But Im at the very beginning. Sure Im getting there one day when I can just sit and play without stopping etc. But Im already in a progress and not stopping now.
Ok just random thoughts.
Now Ive only got tomorrow til Estonia.
Ok someone shoult hit me or something. I cant stop talking about the E-word. :D

:)

Its so close Im going crazy. Trying to pack everything into this tiny suitcase is gonna be a huge challenge. I mean 2 weeks with handluggage? Thank God Ive got winterclothes in Estonia, and dont have to drang anything along from here. :) Makes me happypuppy.
So there we go. Only 2 full days to go and Im home to mum and dad. Now how great is that? And yesterday´s call made me want home even more. Called Essu to ask what she wants from me and after she said it has to be a surprise I asked her to ask mum and that what they want. Both of them said ME. They said not to bring anything and can I just go home already. Oh my little heart jumped of joy! :)
Its Tueueeseday. Yeah. You heard it right. Tueueeseday. I hear autumn outside. I hear spring outside. But no sign of winter. Please, pretty please Estonia, can you show your Kirsi some mercy and bless her with snow? Thank you! :) Labi, going to work now... Who knows what this day has for me. Maybe something great. Maybe not. Im still gonna trust God.

275

Today is the 19th of December. On the 22nd of December is my day to go home. Estonia. Oh the sweet taste of my mum´s food is already in my mouth. I can taste the potato-salad, the sweet bakeries, meat-balls, home-made bread, chicken, ham... Whatever my mum makes, its always delicious and special. Its always made with love and care and it tastes heavenly. :) Ok I made myself hungry now. No surprise there, haha!
So... I wish I could be able to write about anything else, I cant. Its on my mind and in my heart, so there you go.
Kirsi

Little kids never think twice when they see water or mud. They jump. And they jump BIG time. I want to be a kid again. Never thinking twice when it comes to having fun. Oh it sure was a sweet sweet feeling yesterday jumping around in these mud puddles. It was the best day in a long long time and I enjoyed every second of my walk with my friend. Anyway. I am sure learning to love myself and let myself be me. Not copying anyone else. Not trying to be anyone else. Just me, Kirsi. And I am beautiful and lovable. And I am all that my Father has made me to be. Walking hand in His hand. Oh and in case you didnt know, He has BIG and strong hands. :) Safe.

ISSI

Kui 23.November oli emme päev ja nii iga aasta, siis 18.Detsember on minu jaoks issi päev.
Täna on sinu sünnipäev.
Söö siis palju kooki, aga mitte liiga palju, et lõhki ei läheks.
Las emme hoolitseb sinu eest ja musitab ja kallistab.
Las Essu olla Essu. Väike pätu. Ärge temaga pahandage.
Armastan SIND NII PALJU!
Palju õnne sünnaks, issi! :)

273

Because.
Sometimes.
You.
Just.
Have.
To.
Let.
It.
Go.

I can...

...taste home!

Ester: "Kirsu, vaata, kui sa koju tuled, siis sa tood mulle ka midagi. Eksju?"

Kirsu: "Ooot, oot, kumba sa siis nüüd rohkem tahad, kas Kirsikat või asju?"

Pikk mõttepaus.

Ester: "No olgu, sind tahan ikka rohkem."

Jälle mõttepaus.

Ester: "Aga sa tood mulle ka ikka midagi, eks?!"

:)

Shh!

I think I have thought quite a lot now.
And I have decided. Again.
I cant let one little comment to influence me so much.
If people want to talk they will find reasons anyway. I cant let it ruin my heart and my life.
So this blog is gonna be open to everyone again. Please dont judge me for my quick decisions. It was just very painful to recieve this little sentence that tried to bring me down. But hey, if people want to talk they will talk. And let them talk.
I am who I am. I am gonna continue being honest and open about my life.
And this blog has brought comfort to so many people. And I dont have it to hide from the world. So there we go. An open blog it is again.
:) K

http://www.youtube.com/user/kirsika21
My very own very cool youtube channel. Im planning on postin new videos soon, in Estonia! STAY TUNED! :)

Yesterday.

268

Minu tänane:
Ärkasin peavaluga. Võtsin rohtu. Kadus.
Koristasin wc ilusasti puhtaks ja ei löönud pead ära. Jess.
Tõstsin oma toa ümber. Vahepeal puhkasin. Keset põrandat. Olin päris huvitav vaatepilt.
Käisin jõulukinke ostmas.
Pakkisin jõulukinke.
Mässasin uue pildi-programmiga. Meeldib.
Mängisin Mr.Darcy-ga. Ma vist meeldin talle.
Kirjutasin laulu. Mr.Darcy on õnnelik, kui ma temaga koos laule kirjutan.
Laul on minu meelest parim, mis ma siiani kirjutanud olen.
Lihtsalt mainisin.
Söin toidujääke.
Käisin kinos. Balas. Päris hea eks?
Tin-Tin on väga kena poiss. Selline seiklusrikas ja huvitav. Võtaks meheks küll.

Istun oma toas põrandal ja mõtlen, et küll oleks tore, kui...
Aga ma jätan need 3 punkti nüüd sinna ja lähen tegelen oma asjadega edasi.

Tere

So it´s Thursday huh. 2 weeks and Im in Estonia. My baby told mum the other day that Jeei Kirsi will be home soon and we can share a room then. Oh she is a sweetheart and now without her front teeth, haha, so adorable. Just saying. :)
I was thinking of listing a few things I really would love for Christmas. No Im not cheesy, I just love making presents and I know in everyone´s heart it is important to recieve good gifts. And who doesnt ask never recieves either. So here we go:
*teddy bear (Ive never owned one)
*watch (I broke my watch)
*a hat (jup. winters. my love)
*many hugs (oh you folks better hug me down when I come)
*kisses from Ester
*a new perfume (sometimes they get empty you know, the bottles)
*many many Christmas cards. (I LOVE cards)
*booksbooksbooks and music (there can be never enough of those)
*socks (hihi I eat socks if you didnt know)

So there we go. My little Christmas list.
(:
Its Thursday. I like Thursdays coz then comes Friday and that means 2 days off! This Sunday we have our team-Christmas-meal-party. So someone suggested me to be a baby-Jesus just coz Im the youngest. Oh I got a good laugh out of that one. Now seriously, can you imagine me doing that? NAAH. :D
Ok, getting ready to go to work. Our school-week is going great. Lots of good times, shared meals, worship, word.
And as one good movie "3 idiots" says it: ALL IS WELL!

264

Some things are undescribable.
As I was sitting on a session last night I was holding Miss Finn in my arms. I took her with me already while I was leading worship but something happened when I looked into that little bear´s eyes. I just felt loved.
Ok you are probably like, who is Miss Finn? She is a little teddy-bear brought here from Finland. Not to me, but to V+R and now she lives in our chapel. And y-day she was helping me. Hey, Im not weird or anything, sometimes Daddy tries to tell us things through things. If you get my point.
So as she was sitting with me, in my arms, I felt loved. With big L. So if you remember my last post ab having a hard hard day, well, Miss Finn made it tons better. With her soft eyes just staring at me telling me: " I LOVE YOU!"

Why

...is it that sometimes its so hard to talk about whats going on inside of you? Its like something happens and you just cant put a finger on it. You dont even know it yourself. You cant write about it, talk about it, think about it and it keeps driving you crazy.
I put a smile on my face (maybe) and keep on going. BUT its nagging me. This something that I cant talk about.
And its just one of these days where everything seems so wrong and cold and stupid.
I guess Im still a human-being. :) At least one good thing about this...

Its so cold here. Outside and inside.

:)

I called my mum. She didnt pick up. Then I called my dad. He picked up and handed the phone to mum who just had a worship-rehearsal. She really is a wonder-woman. I love her so very much from the bottom of my heart to the top of my heart. She has no voice and she is ill. And yet she is leading worship in FH Conference in Võru. She is incredable. So I just asked her permission to pray for her and she was like YES YES YES. So I did. I just asked Father God to protect her and the team and everyone attending. And I got this huge desire to be there with them. To support them, to comfort, to help, to carry them if needed. Etc. I cant. But I can in my heart. So there we go. Im there with them in my heart. I can pray for them, over them. And thats my part at the moment. And its the greatest part. :) And its a beautiful part. Coz then Dad can do great things. Without me worrying, but instead praying. And He is over this conference anyway. In every area!
So if you can, GO THERE today or tomorrow. To Võru. To the conference. Its wonderful.
:)

260

The day is 260. Ok not really. Its Friday.
Im sitting in front of my bed. Its normal already. If you know me, then you know I like to sit in all kind of strange places. Never really where everyone else is sitting. If I can choose I usually choose places in the corners or on a table etc.
Well. I was feeling rather lousy yesterday. Was sleeping half of the day and then waited another half to end already so I could go back to bed.
But morning came and brought some sort of better feelings.
Im not in a perfect condition but so much better. Im thinking of going to have a long walk somewhere. Its 1 C outside so I might wrap myself up in warm and cozy clothes and go and have some fresh air. I cant stand doing nothing so we will see. (Well, knowing Bala weather it might just start pouring in 1 second and that changes my plans).
So. Here I am. Its the 2nd of December. In 20 days Im home to my mama and papa and sis Ester. I cant wait. Its gonna be such a good time. I know. I have prayed about it and I have some sort of belief that something wonderful is gonna happen in my time home. I have no idea what but something...

I just wanna finish with this chorus from one of my favourite songs:
"Grace I call Your name
Oh wont Your smile fall over me
Im cracked and dry on hands and knees
Oh sweet Grace rain down on me, I need Your Grace!"

May Fathers g r a c e be with you all through today. May His blessings, favor and love dwell in you and from you!
Love, K

Huvitav

Ükskõik kui vana ma ka ei oleks, nii, kui haigeks hakkan jääma, on mu esimene mõte: "Oleks emme siin, tema teab mida teha!!!"
Emme, lenda nüüd siia ja tule ravi mind natuke aega ok? Tean küll, et sa ise ka haige, aga siis olemegi kahekesi koos... ;)

A cup of Tea!

257

Hommik. 7:08. Istun oma toas põrandal ja joon cappuccino-t. Mönus. Akna taga mõllab torm. Ma enam ei tea, kas see on hiline sügistorm või varajane talvetorm. Aga see polegi oluline. Nii hea on olla toas, kaitstud ja hoitud. Mis siis, et nii 20 minuti pärast pean tööle minema. Praegune hetk on oluline.
Mul pea huugab viimasel ajal mõtlemisest. Nii palju on juhtunud ja siin kirjutan ma sellest kõigest ehk 10-st protsendist, kui sedagi. Mitte, et ma ei tahaks, aga see on võimatu. Mu süda, mina ise, on ühes muutumisprotsessis. Pidevalt. Ma olen ühel teekonnal. Kogu aeg. Ja kõigest ei saa rääkida. Ma tahaksin. Aga ei oska.
Läheme täna välja. Kuskile restorani B&B naistega. Peale tööd ruttu koju, kleit selga ja minek. Nii ootan juba. ("Afternoon-tea-party"). :) Ma ei ole ammu nii välja saanud minna ja nüüd on põhjust. Tähistame R-C sünnipäeva. Päris vahva. Päris kallis on ka. AGA meie eest on hoolt kantud. ;)
Mis siis veel. Eesti-Eesti-Eesti. 23 päeva veel ja ma olen sinu juures. Tulen puhkama ok? Ärge siis pange mulle suuri ootusi jms. Olen veidi väsinud ja vajan aja maha võtta oma pere juures. Tartu reis on ka silme ees. Muu aja veedan oma perega. Hea. Ester ka musitas mind läbi Skype üleni ära eile. Minu tibu.
Miks Eesti keeles? Vahel võib! :)

K

I love b a k i n g

the BEST carrot-cake ever! :)

Day 253: Live your dream. And wear your passion.

Just saying.
I remember being a little girl skipping, dancing along the road and making up tons of new songs in my head and then singing them out loud. So loud that neighbours prob thought Im crazy or smth. I didnt care. I loved all these weird, strange, loud songs I sang. Each had something to do with my life at that moment. Some were about sun shining, some about rabbits we had, some about boys I liked.
Its bubbling up inside of me. The dream to do something. My throat is itching so bad. I want it to happen. So bad. And I know I suck at organizing thing and actually going after my dreams, but this one is just too crazy for NOT to happen.
Im gonna have my own album. I dont know when and how. I really dont know. And its making me a bit anxious. But I KNOW it will happen.
Its a big dream and you might say it is too big but who said that dreams dont come true? :)
I love what it says on my wall: GETTING LOST WILL HELP YOU FIND YOURSELF.
I am a bit lost. And so what? If it helps me to find myself then heck. Im about to find out. Something is changing in the air, I can feel it, taste it and dwell on it.
Something is near.
Once my friend said to me that I should not think so much about my future but be content in the present. And oh how right he is. But then again I want to keep on dreaming and believing something I cant yet see.
So I wanna add a little prayer here.
"Father. Thank YOU for these 8 months here. Help me stay patient. Help me see and taste You more and more and more and more. And be hidden in Your love. Help me Share it with others through worship. And never give up on my dreams. I want to wear my passion. You have given me an anointing. Its called "Kirsi´s" anointing. And I love You. You are my REAL dad. Thank You!"
K

Babababanana

Bananabread.
Oh what a hard word it is! :D
So its the 5th day of our schoolweek. Almost done. 1 more night of worship and then tomorrow everyone will leave and in a week´s time from today we have a new group coming. And then its almost time to go to Estonia for me. Its crazy. Christmas is in 30 days from today. I have been thinking about all this sofucbkcjyfkhgdfvkuhfkudjh over Christmas. So why the heck do we wait for it? Coz of presents? Tick. Coz of a family time? Tick. Coz of snow and wonderful food? Tick.
Yes. All of this is very important. I cant wait to see my family. I cant wait to have presents and make presents. And most of all visit my beautiful country again. Friends.
But heck. This is not why Christmas is so important. There is so much more behind this. MY JESUS WAS BORN. My God sent HIS beloved Son so I could live today. That I could breath and live and love and marry and rejoice and laugh and cry. So if that is not important then what is? :)

The second thought I had for this blog has to do with cooking. I got a bit of a revelation today. So, I have been cooking so much here. See, I LOVE baking. Banana bread. Maderia cake. Carrot cake. Flapjack. Brownies. But I have a p r o b le m with cooking. I used to do it for others so much when I had eating disorders that I learned to dislike it (Im not using the h-word). And here I have to cook all the time. A LOT. I smell and dream of onions sometimes. And everyone always says how wonderful soups I make, how great this and that tastes. Especially in schools. So my revelation is this: Sometimes our weeknesses can turn into our strenghts and the other way around. I used to have BIG problems with controlling things. And I still do occasionally. BUT if I use it in a right portion, in a right time, it can be a good thing. Dont ask me how, come and Ill show you how! :)

So. Yes. Its my 5th day at work today and I must say Im getting a bit tired, but tomorrow is off so restrestrest it is. Our sweet Rui-Chi has a birthday so we get to celebrate it together in the evening. ;) I love our b-days here. So much effort and love shared and showed... It should be like that in every family.
Labi. Paka.

:)

Now this is just great. I have never seen a group more thankful and appreciative than this one!!! You make them breakfast, they are almost in tears.
You make them soup, they are up and ready for 2nd and 3rd portions and have thousands of thank-you´s ready for you.
You sing to them, you lead them into worship and they just sing so loud with you (and occationally over you). And later encourage you to go on and never let go.
You bake a cake and they want the recipe. No left-overs.
You talk with them and they just smile. Beam actually. Talk back and ask tons of questions.
The thing I love most about elderly people is their hearts. They are so open, so ready to share their hearts with you.
I L O V E this group!
:)

Day 250: The time

The time has come to stand for what we are believing. I dont believe in "hide-behind-the-curtains-Christianity". I was that girl. And I sometimes probably still am (nobody´s perfect). And it is horrible. To not talk about what I believe. To hide. I know. Actions speak louder than words. But the thing is that our actions cant speak if we hide.
So why am I saying this.
Because last night was different. I worshiped in Spirit. And I didnt care if there were people in the room or not (I mean, I do care, but it was not about them anymore). I usually try to please people. I have been a people-pleaser a lot in my life. And especially in worship. I have tried to sing to them, so that they could come and follow me in worship etc etc. But its all about Jesus. And I was singing TO HIM yesterday. With all my heart and He gave me a new song. A song that came from my heart. Something that reminds me we dont have to do anything perfect, because HE shows up anway if we´re waiting.
You know. There have been so many times in my life when I go in front of people and I hide. I put on a smile when Im hurting. And I pull together a good face. But I dont have to do that. I want to be vulnerable so He could come and shake me. And heal me. And love me. And take me in HIS armas and carry me.
Then people will see that my God is a good Father.
I am not a shamed of my Father. He is wonderful.
And I just want to be in a place where I can know that I know that I know that wherever I go and whoever I meet, not only my actions BUT also my words would bring comfort and peace and Dad would speak through me.
And one more thing. People around you want to see the real you. Not the one with the smile that always says, IM OK. If you´re hurting then dont hide it. Dont try to please anyone. Be real. Because everyone in this world is been hurt by someone or something and if they see that they´re not alone they might find comfort. IN God through you. Christians dont have to have it all together just coz they are Christians. :)
And again. These are just my thoughts. IF you disagree dont pour it out or be mad at me. We all can share our mind and heart. Write to me, ask me questions, you have that right! :)
K


PS! 1 MONTH LEFT TIL IM IN ESTONIA AGAIN!!!!!

When He comes I can do nothing...

...nothing but surrender and go with the flow. Im so thankful. Amazed. Loved. Yesterday´s worship was so beautiful. I didnt think it would be like that. I was afraid. I showed everyone that Im not and that Im ok. But the truth is everytime Im about to sing in front of people, its never easy. Im fighting inside. Its a bit of pride issue. Its a bit of fear-issue. Im a normal human being. In front of people everyone wants to stand out. But in front of GOD I just want to be me. So I surrendered. I gave all Ive got and He gave me so much back. (+Ive got an amazing team here. They are just incredable. Im never gonna tire of telling this!!)
I am L O V E D!!!!

Day 248: Dust in my eyes.

There is still sleep-dust in my eyes. There really is. Its so early Im not even gonna tell you the time. Something very am. And I was dreaming all night long. I have done that the last 3 nights. Slept bad. I had 2 days off and I had a project to finish so I couldnt actually rest. At. All. But the thing with these kind of projects is that I enjoy them. I cant share it yet, its a bit of a secret. So yes. Ill show pics soon. :)

Oh u should have seen me last night. I needed a break from what I was doing and saw this gorgeous sunset from the window, grabbed my camera and RAN outside. Ran 15 minutes real bad just to get to the lake and take my photos. I didnt fail. It was gorgeous. As it usually is after a sunny and cold day. So there it was.

There is gonna be a Fathers Heart School here, starting today. A week full of ministry, worship, peace, healing, tears, laughter, good food, love, new friends. A week. And I believe and pray God to help me and Paul with worship. I must say Im a bit afraid. But just coz we have been very busy and had just one time to practise. So I guess Dad has to take over. Right! ;)

What to say? I have just 1 month before my Christmas break. It´ll be awesome to come from one home to another home for a bit. The circle of my friends is just 1 big family anyway. Cant wait to see my sweet and beautiful faces, hug you all properly and actually have some good times together. So there we go. 1 month.

Ok, Im about to get ready for work now. Breakfast for 16 or smth like that. Uhuh. H E L P!! :D

Day 245: A new

A new song it is. I am going to name it "A song of hope" and I cant record it now. See, I dont have anything else except a phone to record it with and the quality is not for human-ears. So you have to be patient with my CD. You really have to be. One beautiful day it will come true. I dont know the day. I dont know the year. I dont know the band yet. But it will. Coz this dream in me is so deep and strong. And Dad already knows the songs on it. He knows the name of my CD. And He he pleased with it.
:)

8 months ♥

Today, 8 months ago I came to Bala. I cant believe that its already 8 months. It seems like it has been no time at all. And yet it is. So congratulations to me. No big plans for today, just working. But I know it will be good. I get to cook and serve breakfast for 3 and after that clean a couple of rooms etc etc.

So I uploaded a few pictures of my last month here. Its been a time of emptyness. A time of laughter. A time of questioning. A time of joy. A time of tears. A time of hope. A time of surprises (look at my last picture). A time of family. You know this scripture in Bible where it says there is a time and season for everything. Well, this is my everything. :) And Im coming through. I know I am. So yes. 8 months today beibi! Maybe the same number is still to come.

Gonna lead worship next week here. Excited me. I really love doing this and it makes my heart rejoice as well. So looking forward for this.

I found out smth funny yesterday. I mean, its been almost a month since my sister got married to Chris and I added another pic from their day and the pics are still popular. I guess it is just that my family is so beautiful. Lol. ;)

Day 242: The moment.

You know. The moment. You usually recognize these moments that are So Very Important in your life. These special "I fell in love" or "I passed my exam" or "Will you marry me? Yes." or "I got accepted to this great school!" moments. These are the things to remember.
But there are also these moments, these times when you know that you know that you know that God helped you, that God was behind this and all you can do is to be thankful.
Now. I want you to dig these moments up when times go hard.
I want to remember the goodness of God in times when I dont know where the heck Im going. I want to remember my God´s mercy. His grace upon my life. Because that helps me to move on.
Sometimes. I. Am. Also. Struggling. Big. Time.
My head is spinning and heart is in trouble. And thats when I open my heart to remember the times He brought me through. Through anorexia. Through school-problems. Through sickness. Through fire and rain. And you know what. Rain is not so bad. Because once you get inside, you get dry again. You will never be ALWAYS wet.. (and anyway, we are not made of sugar).
So build an altar. Not a physical one. Not an old time rock-altar. But an altar in your memories. Write it down if you need to. I have written down a lot about His goodness. How He was there when I needed to pass my driving test. Or He was there when I struggled in the hospital for weeks, fighting against the spirit of eating disorder. Or like when He helped my family. How He has built the love between my parents who were 17 and 18 when they got married. No love then. A lot of love now.
Or when I had no idea what Im gonna do after high school and He led me to Denmark. How He led me to Tartu to study music and how Im here, in Bala now.
You know, ITS NOT ALL FLOWERS here. Ok? Did you read what I just wrote? Its not all flowers and chocolate and beautiful sunsets here.
Its hard times.
Its days when I feel so alone I wanna die (ok, not really die, but hey, you get the idea).
Its days when I just want to jump on a plain and come back home.
Its days when Im so desperate for a friend.
Its days when I cant wait to meet my future husband already.
But its every day when HE is with me. My God. My Father. My Comforter. My Everything. My One Whom I cling to in Times like these.
You know once I was going on a plain and there was this sweet old man who came to talk to me. But He had this bitter tone when he suddenly started to talk about God. All he said was that God is for weak. And that he didnt need God.
Well. Heck.
God is for weak. I really have no desire to be strong. I cant be strong. BUT in Him I can. I so can and I will and I am.
So jump on a plain. But jump with God and in His time.
Capture the moment and remember it.
Never let go. Promise me?
Never.

Issile.

Sinu kolm kaunitari. Just nagu sa ütlesid. Armastan sind! Ilusat ISADEPÄEVA! (:

11.11.11

WOW. I have no words. Actually I do but you know when its like something so wonderful happens and you dont know what to say. Instead you hug that person and go home dancing, smiling and making these crazy sounds of happyness. That was me last night.
I GOT A GUITAR. My very own guitar. Maybe it has happened to you before but never before to me. Well, 4 months ago I didnt even know where A-string was on a guitar. BUT HEY, the thing is I was blessed with an -a m a z i n g- guitar and I can play now. Worship. And it sounds beautiful. The sound of that guitar is just so different to the one I was practising with. Oh. I will stop now. (Ps! Ill post a pic later).
Like seriously. So blessed. Its overflowing. The blessings I mean. They are just coming and coming and not stopping. So I´ll recieve them all. Father, would you please show me why are you doing all of this? I really dont know but the thankfulness in my heart is growing. :) So yes. I am moving on.
K.

Addition: The goodness of God is in time. A few years back I was given a brand new laptop just when I needed it and a month before I came to Wales was given a new laptop, tiny one, easy and perfect for travelling. 7 months ago, the day I came to Wales, I was given a good camera to use here (my big dream for a long time). And yesterday was given a guitar that is just so beautiful I could cry. Things come to us in perfect timing. And for and with a reason! :)
This here is not written to cause jelaousy or envy. It is written so I could always remember the goodness of God. That I could look back and see His hand over thing. Written so you could continue dreaming and believing, coz thats when things happen!

...

I just realized something.
And it might have something to do with my last post.
You know. I will never be the one who is called HOT or sexy. I will never be the one with high heels or crazy amount of make up. I will always choose flat shoes instead of heels and pair of jeans instead of a skirt. I will always love hoodies over nice little jackets and comfortable clothes over silk-blouses.
And it might never change. I cant be someone I am not. I can dress up for a day. I can put all this make up on and wear nice heels. I can do that all, but thats not really me. And if I am not noticed just because I dont do that then who the heck cares. I should be noticed because I am me. Because I am Kirsika. I am so not saying that I dont love being a woman. Oh I get these days when I LOVE dressing up. When I love playing the princess game and feeling feminine and maybe even hot. But I will never choose that over being comfortable. Coz when I do that I dont feel me. I might look tons younger then I am and so what?
Oh all this frustruation over trying to fit in. We so desperately try to fit in we dont even notice we loose ourselves in this game.
I loved the red dress I wore on my sister´s big day. But wearing this dress made me realize that if people notice me just coz Im with a hair-do and make up and with a red dress, then who am I really? In every day life we dont do that. So come out, my little friend. Come out under the pressure of being someone. Of looking like someone else. If you want to wear a hoody go ahead. If you prefer flats go ahead.
And hey, what is hot anyway? It starts from inside. If you are beautiful inside then it should shine from the outside. Because then its not just being HOT. Its being a woman. A Godly woman. A woman with integrity and purity. Why do we so desperatly want to be sexy? I want to be beautiful. I want to be called beautiful. I want to be called a woman who has that special something about her. And thats not being "sexy" or "hot". Its about being who you really are. The real you.
And I think its about time for us to find that out. To find our identity in God. Coz then we are not so desperate of being someone else.
The end.

1 word: H O T

I just have to post this picture.
If you want to see more go here:
http://davidbuckweddings.com/blog/2011/11/07/chris-vaarika-hamilton-wedding-photographer-dundurn-castle/

Day 235: Autumn leaves.

I opened my eyes today with a terrible feeling that Im frozen. Opened my computer and there it was. -3 C outside. I thought Im seeing things but no. It actually was below 0 this morning. So I wrapped myself into warm clothes, put on my winter boots, a scarf, mittens and went for a walk. To find myself a wonderland. I got lost into the beauty of this place, my little Bala. Little cristals everywhere. I could see every spidersweb that was out there. Every little waterdrop. Winter is pushing in with its glory. I absolutely love autumn. I love the colours but today I greeted winter.

I think tomorrow I can enjoy autumn again. We are going on a little outing. My team has decided that we need a break and all of us are going on a boat-trip. Into wild. We all need that from time to time. To have 2 days off and enjoy what nature is offering. Actually to enjoy what God is offering through nature.

So there it is. My little entry about my day. A beautiful, glorious day.

A kiss from God. Papa.

Day 233

I think I have way too long hair. Its about time to do smth. Like something crazy. ;)Wow. The time goes by so quick I havent even noticed its Saturday. Again. We just had THE Saturday last week, what happened? Its the 5th of November in case you didnt know. Well, I didnt. Coz in my head I thought we are in October and I kept eating this yummy yoghurt until yesterday that said best before 1.11.11. So there we go. ;)
Its early. Its dark. Its tired. Me tired. Im about to go to work in an hour the same as the days before. So I dont even know what to write about.
Let me tell you about my yesterday. Well, to give you a little insight of my days here.
Woke up. Started walking to work around 7.50, made it there 8.20.am. It was glorious outside. So beautiful, everything was still, people still inside, I had the birds, the sheep, the beautiful morning all for myself. Cooked breakfast for 3 and served (well it was only 3 so no help needed there), baked flapjack, baked brownies, made soup for 30 people, cleaned 2 rooms plus all the little stuff in between. So it was a day full of running from one room to another actually. And then came home, had a wonderful shower and went back to the B&B, had a team-meal. Uh, great food and sweet company. Laugh. A lot of it.
So there we go. I was invited to another wedding. I have to decide now. Its not an easy one, coz of all the wedding-crazyness in my life the last month, not sure I can do another one. But for a company I would love to go. We will see.
AND ESTONIA. I AM COMING SOON. Like in 1,5 months or even a bit less time. I love you and miss you, my beautiful, talented, wonderful friend! Miss you tons. Billions. Kilograms. Miss you in every way possible.
K

THE guitar

I mean. I want to be good. I want to play good already. I can play quite a lot of songs without stopping, but I feel I need some advice. Someone to lead me on from what I know already. I started to learn guitar just after I came back from Estonia in the beginning of July this year. Which is like 4 months ago. The first 2 months I over-played. I practised every day a lot. Im not gonna count the hours and effort I put into learning the chords etc. But I just pressed on until I hurted my wrist really bad. I dont know if it was due to the overplaying, or work+overplaying, but my wrist was in a lot of pain. And I played a little bit less the 3rd month. But then it got worse and I had to stop. So all through October I didnt touch the guitar. At all.
And today I picked it up again. The guitar I mean. I played 25 minutes and my fingers were numb and painful which is normal, but my wrist doesnt hurt. Yay. I sang, I worshipped and I just enjoyed myself. In the presence of God. All things are possible. I have written 3 songs with that guitar already and Im ready to go on now with my studies. I just need some crazy amount on patience and maybe a bit lot guidance. So H E L P! ;)

Day 228: Back to counting.

No. Actually Im not counting. Im just saying this. I mean, in way I am but in a way Im not, coz Im not planning to leave by any tick-tack clock. And my ppl here are trying all kind of ways to make me stay anyway.
Alright. My last week was just over my head crazy. I came back a week ago from today and worked straight 5 days in a row so today is my first day off actually. Had to deal with tiredness, jet lag, stomach pain, sleepless nights etc. But somehow in the midst of all this I had this strange peace like Im being held safe in Gods hands. And to tell you the truth, I AM! (: I am being held there so strong and firm that falling seems impossible.
So last week just passed by working and preparing for the wedding of N+S. I was just having nice time with Nathalie while doing last bits and pieces and having dinners together etc after work. And now she is a married woman. Sometimes it does feel like everyone I know and are close to me, decides to get married or engaged or in a relationship... And I love it! (: Haa, Im sure you thought Im gonna say that it makes me sad. No. It makes me dream instead. Dream that these lovestories have something to do with my own one day. That they are all preparing me for something bigger. That all of these people have a part of my life. And they will always have. So, no, Im not sad. Im happy.
So Nathalie´s wedding on Saturday was all I could hope for. All she dreamt about came true. Except the rainbow-part, but what mattered was that they were enjoying themselves. The ceremony was so joyful, so happy. They had worship which Im so gonna have as well one day. Beautiful speeches, words, prayers spoken over their life together etc. And ofc the yes-word from both of them. And a big kiss! ;)
So after that everyone headed towards our B&B for a small reception with champagne and cake. And we had an opportunity to sneak away with N+S for some pictures. I was helping Paul. I took over 700 pics that day (just a small fact) and Paul the same amount. Later we joined everyone for a cake.
Oh I have to mention the little "funny thing" that happened there. I just have to. I have told you about R and his desperate intention to find me a suitable man here. So at one point he looks at me and says with a sneaky face that he wants to introduce me to someone special. Im already wanting to RUN. But then he takes me to this nice gentleman and we actually talked quite a lot that night. But anyway, now that just made me laugh. Thats how much he wants me to stay in Wales. Or maybe he just wants to make me happy! Dunno. Anyway... :)
Then we headed to the dinner-party place. Oh wow. What a great evening. I was put to the main-table next to some lovely people so I actually had some wonderful time with them. Food was so good, well, I ate very little of eat coz of all the excitment and running I needed to do that day, cakes yummy, what else do you need.
So at one point I needed to sing a little song for them (and again I realized Im not a performer. I can so easily worship, I mean I can just soak there and not worry what ppl think of me, but singing to 100 ppl who stare at you, it just freaks me out) and after the dinner was over we moved upstairs. And then the real party started. MUSIC. I danced 3-4 hours straight, who knows anymore. But now, 1,5 days later - my feet still hurt. A LOT! Thats how much I danced. Plus I had boots with heels on and that didnt help a bit. So I just enjoyed myself. I didnt care about anything in these hours. Just danced my heart out. Yes. Thats what I did. And surprisingly I still have my heart! ;)
Wow. So I actually felt like Im a part of Nathalie´s day. Coz I started around 9 am in her room, taking pictures of every detail, preparations etc... And then we moved on. I was just there for her and I felt needed. What a wonderful and beautiful day.
So now Im taking 2 days off. Finally getting rid of my nails (I let them grow for the 2 weddings I had), practising some guitar hopefully, visiting Paul and Rosie, going through wedding pictures. Yes. What a great chance to just rest.
Oh now you´re probably thinking what guitar. Well, that was suppose to be my big secret coz I had a plan with surprising someone with me playing but it never worked out so now I dont care who knows who doesnt. About 3-4 months ago I decided to start learning guitar. I have tons of free time here in my evenings and so I practised and practised and learned new things until I overplayed and hurted my hand really bad. And now the last time I touched a guitar was a month ago. So Im about to try again! With God´s grace.
(: Alright you all, have a beautiful week. Enjoy God´s little kisses and His love for you!
Kirsi

Picky. Me?

So today after work, R gave me a lift home. While he was driving we were just talking about random stuff. I mean R is in his 60´s and he is just one clever man. And he knows how to make me laugh... So at one point, I have no idea how, the topic went to boys. Oh well. It usually ends up there coz Im single. Of course. So he just looks at me and says that I probably have no problem finding guys, Im just too PICKY. And Im already about to open my mouth and he is like, no, but thats a good thing, you should be picky. So there we go. (First of all, there is no one to be picky about and second, if you think Im that picky, give me a few guys to demonstrate that!)... And then after he has said that he comes up with this genious plan that he should take me to some big youth-events next year so I might meet my man there. Oh hey, yeah. :D
Fun days. It sure is good to be back.
PICKY, uisfjbhdxciksfnk.
:D

Because

...there is nothing better then late-night cuppa and "Winnie the Pooh"! :)

Update of my last 2 weeks!

24.10.2011. Monday morning (5am Canada time, 10am UK time)
So Im sitting on a plane, cant wait to land already. Im not sure if Im a big fan of the night-flights. Actually this is my first one. 7 hours all together, no sleep and its already morning. Ive still got 2 hours to go so. God help! ;) I know His favor has been with me so strong this trip, I can feel Him with me in every step I take... Im sitting next to an absolutely lovely couple and the sunrise, ooh, it was just gorgeous! I wish I could have taken a picture but the thing is that Im not sitting next to a window. So next time!
So here I am. Going back to Wales already. I cant believe it was exactly 3 weeks ago when I started my journey, first to Germany and then to Canada. The time has just gone somewhere and I dont know how is it possible. I have so many emotions, so many words, so many things to say. And I have no idea where to start. I mean, how do you describe a journey, a trip, that has so many levels? You tell me and then I´ll do it! ;)
I am not gonna write about Germany coz I did that already. Im just gonna say that I miss Susi already and I hope the CD will come out soon! Cant wait to hear what we recorded. I pray to God it will be anointed and a blessing to many, including people that do not know God!
Anyway, 2 weeks ago I had a flight to Canada. It was one of the hardest days of my life. So many emotions, so many tears, so many thoughts, things happened that should not have. Hearts were broken and yet I was held in Daddy´s hands. Way too many expectations sometimes might ruin the real thing. Im just happy Dad can find a way out of everything. And He did it also this time. He was there with me and He held my hand when I was hurt. And for that I am thankful.
The first days in Canada were a bit blurry. I mean, I did have a small jetlag but it wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. I was afraid that Id be feeling like a dead chicken (haha, yes, you can laugh with me and over me). But I slept good already the 2nd night despite the fact that at least one of my parent snores. And I tell you, louder then our ex-dog Mr.Morrisson. Oh yes, I didnt tell, I had to kinda share a room with my parents. Haha. Well, what can you do. Oh, and a bed with my baby Ester. I didnt mind that part, when she sleeps, she is an angel! ;) I had a few very bad-bad nights, when I was woken up several nights due to the sounds of snore! I mean it is funny now but it sure wasnt then...
My first day there me, my mum and Ester, we were taken out to some kinda festival. I think it had to do with thanksgiving or smth. There were tons of pumpkins, tons of people, shows, vegetables, birds, animals etc. I dont know if I liked it, coz I was tired. I mean it wasnt easy to walk all day long after 3-4 hours of sleep... I did it, but I would have enjoyed it more when I would have been awake. haha. And E was grumpy, wanting to have chips and just being a kid, you know! ;)
Then I have no memory of what we did the day after that but somewhere in the middle we had a ceremony-rehearsal. It was great. I met V´s best friends (who bytheway are just smoking-hot-incredable-wonderful-lovely people) and C´s best friends (well, who mostly are married, so not gonna say a lot here)! And got quite a good feeling of the coming wedding. Yay.
And why oh why I have no memory of the next day after that day. Oh, I think we visited Krissy´s family, one of V´s wonderful girls. Oh that woman, she is just so lovely and with the biggest heart ever. She has this glow around her, so tender and yet strong. Beautiful and I dont even know what to say about her. I wish I could hang out with her way more, its just the big distance between us. But God knows, maybe one day. And her family. Wow. I dont like to put it in a wrong way, but they just ROCK. Her brother has the same big heart and Im not surprised why, if it is the inheritance from their parents! ;)
So, then came the weekend. Im not sure what happened then. I think we went to church with V. A great man of God was speaking from his heart and I loved it. It was beautiful how he cried coz he so loved God.
And so the new week arrived. The week of V+C´s wedding. A lot of preparations, goings and comings, doing the last-minute-things. Being a bit stressed. Being happy. Being sad. Being emotional. And actually realizing that my sister is getting married.
Oh and the story of the high heels. I have to put it in. It is just "The story" of my Canada. So coz I couldnt find any shoes all through summer I went to Canada with the GREAT idea that of course I will find them there. And almost every day we went to shops trying to find me white shoes. Haha, how ironic, but autumn-colour is brown, NOT white. So there were almost no white heels, like no where. I think I went to like 20-30 stores. Seriously. I actually bought a pair already and then returned them. Coz of the fact they were too big for me and I couldnt walk with them! ;) So the day before the wedding I went to a second hand and guess what, white shoes - my size. But of course there was a but (not but+t). I am not used to high heels. So I couldnt walk with them, haha. So one of V´s friends brought me her second pair of white shoes. And on the big day, well, let me put it like this. I walked, but not really. I more like paddled. Coz it was so painful. I managed 2 hours and then I put my tennis-shoes on, haha... So there goes my high-heels-love! ;)
So back to the week before the wedding. I think on Tueseday or Wednesday we had a house-party with Chris´s side of a family and then at one point a party with his side of friends. Wonderful times. :) And on Thursday we had a big big preparation day. A lot of things to do on a reception hall. But it turned out beautiful and we did it.
Friday. The day has arrived. tatatatataaa. The night before we had a girls-night-out. Went to a restaurant and had some great food and for the night we went to a beautiful house that one of V´s friend owns. Karen is a beautiful lady and I already wish I could just sit down one day and have a good heart.to.heart.talk with her. She beams love and it just radiates out of her... :) Well, the night was short, I didnt sleep at all. Maybe 2-3 hours all together and the next morning we left the place around 6:30 am. 6 girls, hair and make up. So we needed the time obviously. And time we had. I was the first to have my hair done and I loved it. It was exactly what I wanted and it actually stayed the same all through the wind and rain and sun and tears and laughter and etcetc. So Im happy for that. Plus I got my make up done (2nd time in my life, 1st time was when I graduated high school). Loved it! ;) I felt like a princess. A friend of mine told me y-day I looked like a president´s wife. Ihhi. Sure.
So at 12.am V walked down the aisle to get married to Chris. He is great. He loves V so much and I could not want to better husband to her. The love they share is beautiful and glowing. I hope to have the same one day. The love that never fades and leaves. I know it is a work behind it, but love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy, it is not selfish... :) I love that passage in Bible. It is how it should be. ...so God loved the world... Everyone knows John 3:16! :) So Im happy for my sister. She married the man of her dreams. I cant wait to get married but Im also good right now.
I have to say that in some ways it wasnt easy for me to see her getting married. I think you know I was engaged as well. And it didnt end at the aisle. And Im ok with that coz I know God has a reason for everything. You know, there is a time to laugh and a time to cry. :) My time will come. And then He has prepared me for him and he is prepared for me. Im not the easiest girl to handle but Im worth it! ;)
So after the teary-ceremony we headed to take tons of pictures everywhere. I tell you, it was cold. Freezing outside. And V didnt allow us to wear anything on top of the dresses. Oh V, strong as she is and quite demanding sometimes. ;) But I love her the way she is. With all her flaws and goods. The bridesmaids looked stunning. Oh and V, she was like a princess, like a lady out of a movie. I had never seen a prettier dress. NEVER!! And Chris, in his white suit. What a man! :) And the groomsmen, not bad, not bad at all. I could go on and on about diff people on that day but I was mostly impressed by the photographer. What an incredable couple Sherry and David are. I cant wait to see their pictures. And Scott, u weren´t bad too! ;) ;)
So the party. It was fun. Good food, laughter, dancing, songs. I did 2 songs. They were so not my style, but I gave my best and I have videos in my comp. Im just thinking if I should or should not post them! We will see...
So she is married now. And on her honeymoon. And Im not sure when I will see my beautiful sister again. I hope soon. :)
Saturday. Well, on Friday, at a wedding party, we were introduced to an Estonian family who lives in Canada and they invited us over. So we went there to have a good food and good time. At one point when we were about to leave, K suddenly invited me to see a real American football match. Though I was crazy-tired I went. I had never seen a big stadium and that kind of a football and I actually enjoyed it. I was outside 6-7 hours and that was the sucky part but other then that, fun people and fun times. :)
So yesterday was spent crying and saying goodbyes and packing. And here I am, back to Wales in 30 minutes (haha, it took me some time to write that blog) and back to my family. Toilets are waiting! ;)
Alright, we are about to land soon and Im starting to feel sick in my stomach so its time to finish. Hope you enjoyed my part of the story!
Love, Kirsi.

...

When Im back in Wales, I will write a LONG blog about my trip. Now I just need to carry it in my heart until I can write it all down! :)

Love, K!

2 päeva veel.

2 PÄEVA veel järgi Vaari pulmadeni! :) Ja siis pühapäeval juba oma Walesi koju tagasi... Igatsen oma pere järgi ja samas naudin oma siinset pere. See on veidi kahe otsaga asi.

Usun, et pulmad tulevad imelised. Ps. mul pole ikka veel kingi, võin ju paljajalu ka minna, mis seal siis ikka! ;) Chris on väga tore ja mul on hea meel, et mu õeraas endale nii hea mehe saab ja vastupidi ka!

Eks kui ükskord kodus tagasi olen, kirjutan Kanada reisist pikemalt. Seniks adjöö!

K

Täpselt...

... 1 nädala pärast täna abiellub mu kaunis Vaarika. Kleidist ja Vaarist pilte vaadates tundus nagu ta oleks kuskilt filmist välja astunud. Olen põnevil ja ei jõua ära oodata. :)

Canada it is!

Vahel...

...juhtuvad halvad asjad kohe peale häid ja me ei saa midagi muud teha, kui (ainult) Jumalat usaldada, et Tema kõik korda paneb. Ja teadmine, et Ta alati armastab, et Ta alati meie juures on ja et Ta mitte kunagi ei lahku, see aitab.
Kirjutasin selle blogi eile lennukis. Peale seda juhtus midagi. Ma ei räägi sellest. Aga selle blogi tahan ikkagi siia kopida. Meeldetuletuseks rasketes hetkedes, kui HEA Jumal meil on!

09. 10. 2011. Lennukis UK-st Kanadasse.

Oma praeguse blogi kirjutan ma taevas. Ok, tegelikult lennukis, aga ikkagi taevas ju! ;) Kell on UK aja järgi 17:16 ja Kanada aja järgi 12:16. Mul on jäänud veel umbes 3 tundi lennukis ja olen olnud juba 4 tundi. Faktid faktideks, aga olen rahul. Väga rahulik lennujaamakogemus, rahulik lend, rahulik toit (ok väga rasvane toit, aga suhtkoht ok) ja rahulik seat-companion (ma tõesti ei tea, kuidas seda eesti keeles öelda). Olen ülipõnevil. Eesti keeles on raske väljendada oma põnevust ja igatsust oma perega kohtuda. Tegelikult on kirjapildis üldse seda raske teha. Juba 3-4 tunni pärast näen oma pisi Essut (nägin viimati 3,5 kuud tagasi) ja mitte nii pisi Vaarut (nägin viimati 1 aasta ja 9 kuud tagasi). Aeg läheb liiga ruttu. Ja hea on, et läheb, sest juba ma olen lennukis ja juba varsti ma saan neid kallistada ja kindlasti pisaraid valada...

Ja eilne jutuajamine emmega tõi mul peaaegu pisarad silma juba... Haha ja seda kõike kartulisalati pärast, mis mind TÄNA ootab! Jehhuu ja jabadabaduu. Olen küll 24, ja üksi elanud juba üle 4 aasta, aga see ei tähenda, et emme tehtud toidud maailma parimad poleks. ON JA KUIDAS VEEL ON!!! :) :) Oh seda õnne. Saan emme leiba ja salatit, kas on veel midagi paremat? Issi kalli, emme musi, Essu ja Vaarikas ja nüüd kartulisalat ka! Täiuslik kooslus! ;) Ja juba varsti kohtun Vaari tulevase perega! Ma olen veits ärevuses, aga hea, et emm-iss rajasid teed mulle ka... Olen ikkagi nende tütar! :D haha.

Nii, kirjutaks siis veidi oma maailmamatkast. Alustasin nädal aega tagasi, kui rong viis mind ja Susit lennujaama UK-s ja edasi lennukiga Saksamaale. Olin seal 5 päeva ja reedel tagasi UK-sse, Manchesteri. Aeg Saksas oli huvitav. Raske. Pisaraterohke. Rõõmus. Naljakas. Lühike. Musikaalne. Läksin ühtede ootustega ja hoopis teised asjad juhtusid. Isa sai mu südant parandada kohas, kus ma ei oleks aimanudki, et veel katki olen. Ma ei hakka ütlema, mis CD-st sai. Ei taha sellest veel rääkida. Küll see tuleb omal ajal. ok? :)

Nägin Weselis, et ei taha ikka suurlinnas elada. Ja Saksamaale ei taha mingi hinna eest kolida. Haha, pole ikka mu koht. Külas on hea käia, aga muu... Nope.

Susi pere on armas. Mr. Aldi rokib ikka täiega. (Aldi on pood, kust Gernoti arvates saab kõike osta ja kõik on seal parim ja nii kutsubki pool maailma teda juba Mr.Aldiks). Ja Melanie maalias mulle maailma kõike ilusama pildi mälestuseks. See läheb Balas mu seinale. Ja SUSI.... Tema on nagu vanem õde, keda mul kunagi olnud pole. Imeline naisterahvas. Oma vigadega nagu me kõik. Aga suure südamega! ;)

Nii, tagasi UK-s, võttis Robert mind lennujaamast peale. Edasi läksime nn. külalistemajja, kus mul oli paar tundi aega puhata ja siis läks põnevaks. Tegin end ilusaks (ok, ma olen niisama ka ilus, aga seekord oli põhjust seelikut kanda, kontsad välja otsida ja meik pähe teha, soengust rääkimata) ja mind viidi R+V poolt restorani, kus ma söin suppi ja magustoiduks maailma parimat kooki, mis oli läbi immutatud kaneelises-rummis vms. Edasi teatrisse muusikali "TOP HAT" vaatama. Nii, siin saavad mul sõnad otsa. Ok, päris ei saa, aga... see oli midagi IMELIST. Maagilist, midagi erilist. Ma olen siiamaani vaimustuses. Parim teatrielamus siiamaani. Parim. Suurepärane. Lihtsalt... haha, ma olen vist sõnu hakanud kaotama, ei oska edasi kirjeldada... Muusikalid on ikka minu teema. Pean rohkem end kursis hoidma.

Eilse päeva veetsin suhteliselt nina raamatus, sest väljas sadas TERVE PÄEVA! Kordagi ei jäänud sadu pidama ja nii komberdasingi mööda suurt maja ja otsisin tegevust. Leidsin hea raamatu, mille aga pidin pooleli jätma, sest polnud minu varandus! ;)

Mis siis veel. Täna oli vara ülesse, ok, ma olin vist ootusärevuses. Ja Mary viis mind lennujaama, edasi check-in jms, veidi ootamist ja siin ma olen. Kanada poole teel. Juhuu. Nii, et kui sa seda blogi loed, siis arvatavasti ma olen juba oma perega ja naudin iga hetke.

Aga on veel midagi, millest ma EI SAA üle ega ümber minna. ISA SOOSING, arm, hoidmine. Ma olen nagu kätel kantud olnud viimane nädal. Kõik toimuks nagu vati sees. Mind on nii ülekülluslikult rahadega õnnistatud. Toiduga õnnistatud. Sõpradega. Sõitudega. Toomiste-tulemistega. Kõik on ette ja taha ära tehtud. Ja ma tunnen end kui printsessina. Ainult suured kleidid ja tiaarad on veel puudu. Uhuh. Imeline. Tean, et kui lähen nüüd Kanadasse, siis saan oma pere ka toetada, tean, et nad on seal hoitud, kuid tean ka, et mu emme tahab šhoppama ja kellega oleks veel parem minna, kui minuga! ;) eh? ;) Ja issi, kui sa loed, ära muretse, ma ei jäta sind ka välja! Olen Taevase Issi tütar, õnnistatud ja soosingu all!

Huh, päris lahe on eesti keeles üle pika aja kirjutada. Tunnen, et pean oma juured ikka all hoidma. Olen eestlane ja alati jään ka eestlaseks. Walesis elamine ei muuda minu sünnitunnistust. Ja inglise keeles rääkimine ja kirjutamine ei muuda minu südant, mis armastab Eestit! :)

Ps! Päike on terve lennu aja mind aknast tervitanud! Nii mõnus on! Olen küll tsipa väsinud, aga tuju on hea ja muretsema ei pea.

Pilved. Nii suured ja valged,

Kohevad, pehmed ja malbed.

Vaatavad mind ja vaatavad üles.

Teavad, "Printsess turvaliselt Issi süles."

Päike, nii soojalt mind kallistab.

Sosistab: "Su Issi sind armastab!"

Naeratan, tean, see on tõde.

Varsti näen oma kahte õde.

Ta on näinud mu südameigatsust.

On varustanud.

On õnnistanud.

Olen kui kätel kantud.

Vaatan. Sellel lennukil on tiivad.

Mõtlen. Kuhu nad mind viivad?

Tean. Ta on kinkinud mulle pere.

Ja valanud selle eest Oma vere!

Tänu. Mu südames elab üks tänu.

Ja aina kasvab mu janu...

Ma ei karda.

Miks peaksin, kui oled minuga. Alati.

Kõik kuningad armastavad oma printsesse.

Aitäh, et oled valinud mind enda omaks.

Alati!

Pilved. Nii suured ja valged.

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Mul on veel null päeva jäänud Kanadani, huvitav, kas ma kannatan ära oodata?? :)

Without...

...Him NOTHING matters. Do you see? Without Him my voice is nothing but another voice singing SONGS. But with Him everything changes. Every song I sing WITH Him and through HIM is a song of love, hope, peace, joy. So here I am. Waiting. Him to come. Him to take my voice and use it the way HE wants it.
We cannot do and be nothing without HIM. Nothing. And everything matters with Him.
HELP. I need help. I really do. Please pray for me and Susi. We have 2 days left to record and we are so desperate for God to show up. Coz if He doesnt then we dont want to JUST sing the songs. ok. We want to worship. HIM.

Day 201: This naughty mosquito

Well. The night went by me trying to kill this 1 stupid mosquito. Horrible. It woke me up at least 10 times and it all went by in a blur. I remember nothing much of it except the crazy feeling of tiredness. And tossing and turning and not sleeping good. I cant have a room of my own here due the small appartment they have which is alright but when bugs are killing my sleep then I cant tolerate this. Yuk.
But other then that, well, Susi has a birthday today, YAAAAY, go Susi! She is wondeful and this day is her day even though she is tired as well.
We already tried to record something BUT of course just when you try to do something good, something unexpected happens. Well, there we were, just starting, when some workers decided to cut this huge tree outside our window. JEEHEUUU.. So I guess no recording for today, they have been on it for 4,5 hours by now. Stopping for 2 minutes and then starting all over again. Oh well. Daddy HELP! I mean it, we need help!!! Big time! :)
Alright. Cant wait to see what Daddy has for us. He is always GOOD. Always. :)
And Im enjoying Germany! It is good to be here. A family to be with is always always good! :) And only 4 more days til my flight to CANADA! :P

Day 199: Bye-bye

Bye-bye my dear Bala for 3 weeks. Ill see you again on the 24th of October and then I believe you will be all colourful and more beautiful then ever... :)

Im off to Germany today in the evening. I get to be with Susi and her family until Friday morning and then Ill fly back to Manchester and stay there for 2 nights and on Sunday is my big flight to Canada. So today it all starts! The big 3 week-holiday with friends and family!

Yesterday my favourite people took me out to see a wonderful waterfall and eat in a beautiful outside-door-cafe! Mmm, hot cake with custard and amazing view to a lake Vyrnvy! I love the names of lakes and mountains, they are so different here, Welsh is an incredable language, I cant make a word out of it, but it is beautiful! :) The time out was so good, even though I had a migrane-kinda headache (I had to take many pills enventually and sleep to get over it), lot of walking, fresh air, beautiful views, good food and good company...

And talking about blessings... I have never been blessed so abundantly with money. I get to take so much "pocket"money with me like never before. Some money just appeared on my wallet, some was given to me by friends, most of it I saved from my weekly money, but anyway. I know for the first time in my life that when it comes to shopping I dont have to go to second-hands. I actually can afford to buy my stuff from normal shops this trip. :) And I get to be a blessing to my family in Canada who has not so much coz their trip to Canada cost them a fortune!

Anyway... I am blessed to go. I am blessed to give. And blessed to recieve! I am under His favor. And even though life is tough sometimes and crazy and strange, I am still His kid. I am still His daughter and He likes to take care of His own!

I cant wait to see them all in Canada. Its only 3 weeks until my baby is a married woman. Vaarika MacDonald! :) I love her and this is gonna be a good.good.good time.

And about Germany. Well, I cant wait to record with Susi. She has written amazing songs and I feel honored to be singing with her. It is always flowing and I know it must be God behind this. We somehow sound as one if you know what I mean. Ok, maybe you dont, but when the CD is ready, let me know and Ill send it to you as well. ;)

Bye bye Bala. Bye bye.

I love you! :)