That smell

That smell of real shit.
Ok I used the strong word here and I know some of you are offended by it but please dont be.
I had a good long walk today outside. Past the barns of cows or pigs (not sure which coz I couldn't see inside) but the smell that came into my nose was the smell from there. And I liked it. Do you want to know why? Because it was something so real. Something so tangible. Maybe something even from my childhood...
Most of the time we are surrounded by so much fake it makes me sick inside. Smells, pictures, people... Fakefakefake. People who say they´re our friends but when things get tough they disappear somewhere or pictures that tell us we need to look like that supermodel in her way-too-small-bikini or commercials that tells us if we don't use this product we´re worth nothing. Thats why this smell of shit was real. I know it sounds not cool but that's how I felt today. As I continued my walk I just had this feeling of home. Feeling of REAL.

B

Let me introduce you Barbala, the most precious Latvian sweetheart.
She is incredibly wonderful. I mean I could write all the best words here and I still couldnt describe how much she means to me and my heart. She has been an inspiration and encouragment and a good friend to me for the last 4-5 years. I love her dearly.
But this last weekend just topped everything that Ive known about her so far. I mean she travelled all day long just to get here for 2 days, to celebrate her 22nd birthday with ME! :) So I cooked, baked, cleaned and prepared for her a few birthday surprises.
She arrived on Friday evening and left today after lunch. I must say the place seems so empty without her laugh... BUT seriously, it was the best girl-time. We ate tons of cake, took pictures, had long walks and talks, midnight laughter, we celebrated and enjoyed sharing out hearts (ofc the main topic-boys), prayed, played boardgames, watched movies.
Es Tevi Milu, Barbala! ;)

Welcome Barbala! ;)

Its time.

Every time I take a break from Fb its like a time of rest. Also a bit weird not knowing whats going on in people´s lives but that's how it is actually meant to be. You know we are NOT suppose to know what ... (say a name) is having for lunch and what ... (name) is doing today. We shouldn't know these things in normal life. We shouldn't give likes to each other´s pictures like we are some kind of dogs who get points for their good looks and acts. Are you seeing what I'm seeing here? I mean let me paint a picture for you. Every time I go there I FEEL the great NEED to be someone, to be popular, to be likable. I post a picture and I go to check in every 5 seconds if someone has liked it. And if someone has Im like YESS. And if more than one its like Im likable. How real is that? Im so in this world most of the time I don't even notice the real world anymore. Its more important what people think about me than what God thinks about me. I post a status and Im like hey YOU HAVE TO LIKE IT. And if no one does Im erasing it within 5 minutes... Seriously? Do I really need to be likable among people I DON'T even know so well???
I was off for 2 days and went online this morning coz of an important letter. But there were also 6 other letters and tons of other notifications. Oh happy day, more likes... Well, Fb is good to stay in touch with many friends but at the same time its a trap from where a get.out is hard. It just makes me sad seeing myself getting so involved, so into it... I think I have to start taking "days off" more often just because I need to see the bigger picture. I do not need to be popular, likable, touchable, oh hey LOOK at me-me-me. Not like that. I want my friends to like me in real life, I want them to know me in real life. But in order to do that We all need to realize that something is wrong. And something is definitely wrong with Fb. It just doesn't seem right anymore...
But back to happy notes. Pancake-time. This week has been just strange. I wake up each morning to go to work and then it comes out there is non coz of H´s cold. Anyway... Like I said, I think its time for breakfast. ;)

Dear Facebook, I think we need a little break up. Just for a few days. I think it´ll do good for me. And it will give me the needed time to actually be productive rather then spend all my free time with you. So I hope you are understanding and give me my time. Im sure you will be just fine without me. ;)

To You, O Lord I lift up my soul!

Its very early. Ive been awake for quite some time. Its definitely the new pillow that just doesnt like me. I feel sorry for the pillow coz Im actually extremely likable! ;)
But thats not the reason for this blog-entry. The reason is yesterday´s worship-time. I was invited to go to Tartu to lead worship in an event that has such a huge purpose and meaning (you can read more about it here-->http://www.24liikumine.ee/)... Anyway I said yes and then invited Margus to back me up coz I had to be on stage for 2 hours and Im not able to lead worship and play guitar and think of a thousand details at the same time. So I knew Im gonna be comfortable with him. At the same time everything inside of me screamed: "Do not go there, who are you to do it, why are you doing this, why are you singing, what the heck are you even thinking of going there, you are not worthy enough, you have messed up bad, you get angry so easily, you sing bad, you worship bad, you are nothing!" And suddenly I knew I had to go. So yesterday morning started off bad, not gonna go into details but I was just so mad inside, I was like what the heck is going on. But I repented, I gave the burden away and let God deal with it. We hit the road and finally in Tartu, realized we are actually gonna do it.
2 hours went by so fast. It was beautiful. It was precious. It was so much and yet so simple. I gave my heart and yet again God came and took over. I know it coz later when I tried to think back all I knew was that God was with me. I just knew it. Im so thankful yet again. And all the people who heard the message through Pildiraadio, well, Im just thankful. I know that God did something y.day, He definitely broke through and changed something in the atmosphere and brought freedom and healing. The comments I heard later touched my heart and led me into being even more thankful. I use that word a lot in this entry but thats how I feel. I know there wasnt thousands of people listening but those who did were blessed. I was blessed. Men how do I describe how I feel right now? I cant coz its overwhelming! :)

The Great Awakening

So last night I was just sitting around doing almost nothing. When suddenly I noticed a song my friend posted on Youtube. Leeland-The Great Awakening. I listened to it. Then listened again. And again. Finally picked up my guitar and did a cover. Took a little time but heck, this song is incredible. Such a good message.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKfL6-TsKI8

One man wakes, awakens another
Second one wakes his nest door brother    
Three awake can rouse a town
And turn the whole place upside down

Many awake will cause such a fuss
It finally awakes all of us                      
One man wakes with dawn in his eyes
Surely then it multiplies
Surely then it multiplies

My most precious girl from Latvia told me yesterday she´s gonna visit me next week and Im still jumping up and down coz of that. Ok not literally. Im good at exaggerating a bit. ;) I mean I told her Im gonna bake a thousand cakes for her and then said, ok maybe actually 2. So here you go.
Im really happy how God puts things in order. I was so sad yesterday due to a lot of emotions that overwhelmed me and then God just turns my sorrow into joy. Thats how GOOD He is! :) And not to mention a few msg-s from different people which all involved hugs and warm words. Without them knowing where Im at... Im blessed indeed.

Emme on mul parim. Tulin tujukana just töölt tagasi, sest arusaamatuste pärast on mul täna siiski vaba päev (peaks vist hoopis õnnelik olema ju?) ja siis nõudsin kohvi. 2minutit hiljem ei tahtnud enam, ja siis mõtlesin ümber jälle... Ja järgmine hetk tuleb emme suure tassi imelise kohviga mu tuppa... Palju parem olla nüüd! :)

Ja siis ma pean ühe sündmuse üles kirjutama, enne kui meelest läheb. See on seda väärt.
Eile oli meil terve lasteaia laste ja nende vanematega matk metsa. Minu hoolealuse isa aga ei saanud kaasa tulla ja nii ma läksin siis ise... Meil oli raskemaid hetki ja oli ka palju rõõmu. Üks kõige armsam hetk oli siis, kui me hakkasime metsast välja jalutama. Lapsed olid väsinud ja kõndisid nii kenasti oma vanemate kõrval. H kõndis siis minu kõrval ja järgmine hetk tahtis nii väga mu käest kinni võtta. Mingi hetk hakkas tal palav ja ta võttis kindad käest ära. Võtsin siis ka kindad ära. Aga mu käed olid jääkülmad ja ta kohe märkas seda. Siis ma rääkisin talle, kuidas Essu alati mu käsi on soojendanud, kui mul külm on ja ta hakkas kohe mu käsi hõõruma ja oma kuuma mulle edasi andma. See oli kõige ilusam asi, mis ta meie kuu aja jooksul on teinud. Aitäh, H! :)

I really dont like to be angry.
And I really dont like speeches a la "we don't have any money because our government is stupid and so on..." but today something really touched me.
I read an article about single moms. Two sisters who live together just to save money (younger sister has 1 boy and older has 3 girls, so its 6 people all together) in a small apartment. Their men just left them coz they felt they couldn't handle the responsibility. Well, something in me wanted to scream.
We live in this society where boys grow up not knowing their fathers. Girls who grow up not knowing their fathers. And the other way around as well in many cases (the boy whose support person I am grows up with his dad)... And I just have this question: What the heck? Why couldn't these dads be dads for their kids; I mean their mothers have to manage with almost no money and no support?? Why is no one supporting them? I mean single parent in Estonia get 19 euros a month as an extra support. REALLY? 19 euros? I cant even buy normal trousers with that money... I just sat reading this article stunned, not that I haven't heard stories like that before but still it spoke to me.

So basically I was touched by two things. First - where are these men who can stand up and say: we can and we will! And second - why is no one supporting single parents? Ok maybe Im exaggerating here a bit and there probably is some sort of support but is it enough? What they said there was that what they need most is someone who holds them and tells them they´re loved. Someone to whom they can go to and say, can I get a hug... I get that. There are so many days I feel like I NEED A HUG. But I have a family who are willing to give me as many hugs as needed.
Anyway back to my point. I just feel as though Estonia is a place where people are not valued. Im not saying one can buy happiness with money, but groceries and everyday supplies for sure. We need many things to survive and if 6 people have to live in one room in order to survive I dont think Estonian government is doing good enough job to help.

I hope it has made you think. It sure made me feel thankful that I can live at my parents apartment right now without paying rent and almost always having food in front of me. Its not even a little thing, its a big big thing. Find someone who needs a hug. If you want a hug you must give one. Just saying. ;)

My way

How to make coffee Kirsi-style early in the morning:
1. Put the kettle on.
2. Put coffee in a cup.
3. Wait a bit in another room (read: check Facebook!).
4. Pour water on coffee, then realize it was cold water.
5. Put the cup in a microwave.
6. Wait, then take the cup out. Put it back for some more...
7. While its in a microwave, pour some milk into another cup.
8. Take the coffee out, put milk into a microwave.
9. Take sieve. Take coffee thats been microwaved and pour it through a sieve into another cup.
10. Now leave the coffee. Take milk and pour coffee on it.
11. Realize it still has some coffee grounds in it.
12. Take another cup and sieve it through again.
13. Now sip it. Realize its still cold.
14. Put it back to microwave for 30 seconds.
15. Drink it. No sugar. Put sugar in.
16. Go to your room and drink it quick otherwise it goes back to cold...
*Somewhere in the middle realize that everyone else is still sleeping so instead of laughing out loud you just sneak back into your room pretending you didn't do anything.
*All 3 cups were not harmed!

Love is a rainbow and a random smile from a stranger.
Love is the colors of this autumn.
Love is peace in your heart and love is people who care.
Love is also what you invest in a kids life.
Thats why I love him already. And thats why Im doing it. Loving.

I love taking pictures. Of nature. Of stunning views and little pugs. Birds and animals. But mostly people. Because people amaze me every time I take pictures of them. They are beautiful. And wonderful. Inside-out. Everyone has their own flaws but its the flaws and goods together that makes someone unique.
Nowadays its like every second person owns a camera and is already a photographer. Everyone puts their name under a picture and says, I took this. Its mine and dont use it without giving me a recognition. Which is a good thing but...
So I just think Im always gonna do this for fun. Its my hobby, something I like. Taking pictures. But Im so not gonna be another photographer. Its getting a bit too much. From what I see around me.
But Gerlika. Is stunning. And gorgeous. And beautiful.
Inside-out. And Im so blessed to have a cousin like her. A friend like her. :)

Rainy = cozy

Sometimes I absolutely love this time of the morning. Its 6:39 am and Im sitting alone in our kitchen. Drinking tea and seeing the lights outside. Its pitch-dark and raining. Such a cozy time when no one is awake yet and I can just be with my thoughts and music and...
Anyway. Im about to wake up Ester soon, take her to school and go to work myself. I still cant believe I have a job now. Im responsible for something and in so many different ways it feels good. Yes, its a hard work, I never realized how much you need to give when you work with kids. Im actually having a lot of problems with my voice since I use it more and I have less energy after 5 hours with them... BUT I have a job and I have something to give my love into! :)
So, the rainy-day remedy. Drink lots of wonderful tea and stop worrying about the things you cant change. Do the things you can today and love people. It helps! Ps! Wear something colorful today... ;)

Coz she is absolutely beautiful!

Weekend passed by way too quick and I must say I didnt get much rest, I did enjoy it though. It was great to see good friends in Võru and it was a fun roadtrip with 2 wonderful girls! :) I drove about 5-6 hours there and back and Im pretty proud of myself, Id never thought I could do it. But here I am, I made it!!!
So back to reality. Kindergarten and Ester. But something has changed in me. I actually want to have things done differently. I am praying over this kid and Im learning what techniques to use and what not. I love this little boy a lot already and to have the chance to be right next to him is big even though I still dont know a whole lot what Im doing... :)
Anyways. Whoever you are, visit me and come give me a hug! Ill give you a hug back and share my life with you...
Hugs
(Ps! The pics are taken by my friend Ragne, just to give her the credit)