29.Veebruar

Nii. Et ma Eesti keelt ära ei unustaks, teeme vahepeal midagi teistsugust.
Blogi tuleb minu oma emakeeles. :)
Täna on mönus kuupäev, ainuke, kus naised võivad mehele abieluettepaneku teha. Tähendab, mul ei ole absoluutselt plaanis kellegagi abielluma hakata, ja kui aus olla, siis ei ole niipidi üldse hea. See on ikkagi meeste küsimus ja naiste vastus. Aga päris kihvt traditsioon, võibolla mõnele sobib niipidi ja siis täna on erakordne võimalus...
Ps! Ma olen ikka veel hullult Saaremaa lainel. Räägin Saaremaast, mõtlen Saaremaast, kirjutan ka. Ma ei tea, võiks nüüd midagi teist juhtuda, ma kujutan ette, et mu siinne pere on nii väsinud juba must. :D Võibolla ei ole ka, aga ma küll oleks.
Mmh, olen veidi mõelnud. (NAGU ma seda tavaliselt ei teeks, eksole?). Tuleviku peale, mu unistuste peale. Et kuhu edasi, mis edasi, mida edasi. Õppima, kooli? Tööle? Vabatahtlikuks? Välismaa? Eesti... Nii, et kui sa oled mu eest palvetanud ja Jumalalt midagi kuulnud, võid mulle ka teada anda. ;)
Mul on tegelikult väga suured igatsused hakanud südames üles tõusma ja ma usun. Ma usun ja loodan ja tean, et see kõik on mu Isa kätes. Ma tean, et Ta teab täpselt, mis minu jaoks HEA on, sest kõik, mida ma tahame, ei too meile kasu. Ja ma usun ka seda, et vahel peab lihtsalt paadist välja hüppama ja astuma. See teebki selle vbl veidi keeruliseks, et ma ei tea, kumba teha. Kas oodata või astuda... :) Vahel on selline seis.
Ma sain eile maailma kõige ilusama kirja. Eestist, sõbralt. Mul jättis süda ka löögi vahele. Nii head ja armsad sõnad. Ja igatsus ja armastus, mis sealt õhkus. Me kõik vajame selliseid sõpru, kes aegajalt meid jälle üles tõstaksid ja julgustaksid. Tundub, et Jumal on minu kõrvale pannud just sellised inimesed, kes mind kogu südamest armastavad. MA ei ole üksi.
Ja tead, sa ei ole ka üksi! Kui arvad, et oled, kirjuta mulle. Ma tean rohtu selle vastu! ;)
Ja siin mõllab Kevad. Pisikesed lambatalled hakkavad aasadele tekkima, kõik kohad on avanevaid lilli täis ja rohi lõhnab jälle värskelt. Linnud laulavad nii, et vahel peab kõrvad kinni panema ja kui hästi tahad, näed sellised jäneseid igal pool, kes teisi jäneseid taga ajavad. (hahaaa). Oi, see on ilus aastaaeg. Nii ilus. Varsti saan oma kleidid kapist välja võtta ja siis tagasi kappi panna, sest siin pole kuskile nendega minna. :D
Olgu. Eesti keelne postitus hakkab kohe lõppema, sest mulle tundub, et mul voolab seda teksti inglise keeles palju paremini. :)
Kallistan.
Ja igatsen.
:) Kirsi

345

"Its a little bit funny, this feeling inside, Im not one of those who can easily hide..."

How faithful.
I was so sad yesterday. It was hard to come back after this amazing weekend. And it was a bit of a crazy adventure. I travelled by car, bus, ship, taxi and plane. I was just drop-dead-tired and for the first after a trip like this I just fell to my bed and slept 2,5 hours. By the time I woke up it was dinner time and one of our volunteers was cooking for everybody last night. So I was taken to the B&B and something so beautiful took place.
We had communion for the first time here. I just cried and cried and felt so thankful. SO loved. I felt like the family I have is so big. Its all over the world. Its not just 1 family here and then a 2nd family somewhere else, but its THE family. Only ONE! Not many. And its a blessing. A beautiful blessing.
So He is faithful. Yes. I was tired and yet He came and showed me something I wouldnt have wanted to miss for the world...
:)

Saaremaa

And Im going again.
Sometimes I feel like my life is spent by packing and unpacking my suitcases... And to be honest, well, Im starting to think that its not a bad thing at all.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THE CAMP IN SAAREMAA.
It was the best thing that happened to me in the longest time.
A big blessing.
I was so blessed, so loved during these 3 days. Father, He already lives inside of me so I dont need to look for Him from FAR-away-land. He is already with me in the deepest places and He is knows what His kids need. Sometimes its the youth of this land, the people who are willing to serve Him and love Him and carry HIS LOVE around. And I was loved, oh so loved. And to share my story with them was an honor.
I was able to be a part of an amazing worship-team last night and able to be a part of these people´s lives. I was involved in something bigger then an eye can see! My heart is filled up and its the hardest thing to leave.
Its the right thing, but the hardest.
I know He´s got a plan for me. Bigger then I think. A plan full of hope and good things. A future just for ME!
So in an hour Ill be leaving this island to go back to Wales. I have no why God has sometimes put the things in our lives the way He has, but heck, He has to know. He is God, The Dad! (:
Ok. Ill be back. I know I will be back.
Love.
Kirsi

(ps! You can sometimes comment my posts as well so I know Im not left alone here with my thoughts...)

So as you might know or not know, IM IN ESTONIA FOR 3 DAYS!!!!
Why am I here?
How did I come?
When my mum was in UK, Wales for 2 weeks, she shared about her and dad coming to Saaremaa to a youthcamp in the end of February. That they are gonna share there and talk about God´s love and their own life and its gonna be an amazing camp etc. The next moment I remember was how R+V took me to another room and asked if I wanna go with my parents. I just started crying coz I couldnt even dream about Estonia for another few months and yet here I am. They paid for my tickets and just let me go for 3 days. Started my journey yesterday at 5am from Wales and made it to Saaremaa about 12 hours later... (:
So a few days ago I started thinking that 24.02 is Estonian Independance Day and IM GONNA BE THERE. How great is that? Its like 3 in one - get to see my family, get to see my friends, get to be in an incredable camp and Independance Day (ok, that was more like 4). WONDERFUL.
I am already enjoying myself. Tommorrow night Im gonna share a little testimony and on Sunday morning back to Wales...
SURPRISE!!!!!! ;)

HER

"The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched. They must be felt with the heart." Seeing your sister getting married to the man of her dreams is one of them. Its been 4 months since I witnessed this beautiful day. And I wish I could play the repeat button over and over again back to October...

The surprise

Love surprises?
I love them.
Big surprises. Small surprises.
All of them.
Except the bad ones.

My head...

...is full of thousands of little and big thoughts. Some of them are so good, some of them are horrible, some bad, some happy, some sad. I bet you have the same problem. Am I right?
We all think. Mostly only all day long. Ironic eh? It seems Im alone in this and whenever I talk to someone I realize we are all in the same boat. Some less, some more.
So what are my sad thoughts? My sad thoughts are my health, my friends who are having hard times, my family struggling, my future. And happy thoughts? My happy thoughts are my friends, my family, my future.
Strange huh how the same things can cause us distress and joy in a same time. And the thing is that actually non of these things is in my hands. NON. And yet every day, constantly, I try to fix things. I try to worry about things. And I shouldnt. My Father knows me better then anyone else. Better then my mum and dad. Better then my best friends. Better then Johnny or Mr. Darcy (joke).
But hey, Im just an ordinary me. And yet so unique. With my own thoughts and actually, the more I learn to trust HIM the more I get to be me.
So. Here I am. Its storming outside. Im really cozy sitting on a warm room and thinking. About my life. About who I am and what is gonna happen.
And then I stop. Coz I realize I need to live in the moment. Sometimes its really important to just live in the moment. Just right now. to cherish what Ive got. And Ive got A LOT.
More then most people have.
And yet there is a little bit in my that is dreaming so big. So big that it seems impossible that these things will ever come true. But like my friend said that its good, coz then I cant try to make it come true myself, but let God do it. I mean otherwise I might do it from my own strength. Ok maybe you didnt get it. See, if we dream way too big, then God has a chance to step in and make our dreams come true. If our dreams are tiny we can just easily make them happen ourselves. ;)
And yes. I am afraid. I am afraid, WHAT IF... What if non of it will happen. What if I end up being single. What if I end up not singing, not making anything with what God has given me... What if, what if, what if. You know, what if´s should be crossed through with RED colour coz they just SUCK.
Live your dream and wear your passion.
Live your dream. I dont believe it only means that we only have to live and do the BIG things, but also means we need to dream big in order to have any answers. :)
Im going to sleep now. May Father watch over me and you. And may He read the dreams we have in our heart and heck, I know HE KNOWS ME!
;)

See you soon! (:

Day 336

As it is it is. We had a great day out yesterday despite my horrible headache (which reminds me to go to the doctor again, whuuu, I mean its not going so great, rather worse then ever before). We went to see the Conwy Castle and later me and my mum did some shopping (which was pretty successful)... :) And so today is her last day here, she´ll be coming over soon and tomorrow Ill send her away. 2 weeks went by so fast, wow. But she is ready to go to dad and Ester now. Hahaha, dad actually said yesterday that he understood mum misses her by the amount of msg-s he has started to recieve on his phone, hehe. ;)

"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable." ~ Dr. Joyce Brothers
Its so true. I have been manipulative. I actually believed that I have NEVER manipulated with people. But I have. Oh I so have and I probably will fail many times in future. Every day. But heck. I want to love and to be loved. And I want to step into a relationship one day with hope. With love. Without manipulation. And I want Father to help me this time. Never again I want to "try" to make anything work.
Manipulation is not the key. It never was and never will be.
Just so you know.

3 idiots

Movie suggestion:
"3 idiots"
I have seen it 3 times now and I just LOVE IT. Order it online and just enjoy it. I know its a Bollywood type of movie, but its just wonderful. Its about friendship, unconditional love, hope, dreams, real life. I really didnt know what to think about it when Rui-Chi brought back with her and said its a 3-hour movie, but I still agreed to watch it with others. There is some sort of Father-heart message in it and it just captivated me with its plot. It does have a few hard scenes in it, but real life is never all butterflies and flowers.
So enjoy! (+I almost never suggest any movies, but this one is heck of a worth it).

About some other stuff. Well, my mum is here for 3 more days and we get to have a day out tomorrow, whohoooop. :) Castle, beach, shopping. Sounds fun eh? :) Well, its gonna be a good day out I hope and then on Sunday she goes back to Estonia and like she said she will get 2 springs this year, 1 in here and one back at home whenever that happens... ;)
The road has been a bit up and down for me, but with Father and you know, with Him I am safe and I am on my way...
K

Sometimes a friend walking in a room and saying that the moment she/he saw you, you were shining and so very beautiful, makes up for a bad week.
Or a friend saying that even if you dont play games online, you´re still very awesome and rather pretty.
Or God telling that YOU have a future and He will open doors for you that were never opened and its gonna happen THIS year, not next, but this.
And then God starts yesterday. He opened a door for me that would have never been possible to go through.
Recieve.
Give.
Love.
Make compliments.
Be yourself.
Believe.
Hope.
Pray.
Seek.
And not because I tell you.
But because thats how you will know yourself.
And others.

Sitting on my bed and staring at Mr.Johnny. I think he just winked at me. Oh young love.

Heitsau

Istun köögilaua taga ja teiselpool mind istub emme.
Emme tükeldab kartuleid.
Käisime just poes.
Ja teeme nüüd kartulisalatit.
Sest kartulid keetsin mina juba hommikul ja nüüd on nad jahtunud.
Jess.
Kartulisalat.
:)

You did it for me
You did it for love
It´s Your victory
Jesus, You´re enough

...

In spring-time I am always different. Its a rule that no-one will ever never change. :)

325

Isitreallyday325?
:) Its very early in the morning, like 6.21am and Im just starting my day. Slowly, you know how a snail crosses a street; well, my morning usually is similar. Everything is done in slow-mode, thats why I have to wake up at least 1,5hoours before leaving the house. Thats me. Take it or leave it. SO, another day with Father? Eh!
Wow, there was something Ive been wanting to write here for ages and everytime I start its like gone from my memory. Maybe its not a time for that yet.
I just share what Robert shared in school y-day. Because its SO vital that you know this. There is this scripture in Bible: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Eph 6:12) and suddenly it all came so clear to me when R shared.
You know there are rules written in your heart since you were very tiny tiny tiny girl or boy. So we are NOT fighting against people of this world, we think we are and in a same time we are loosing the bigger war. Because we should actually be fighting against these rules, these lies in our heart. We should let Father take away these lies and replace them with truth. Coz satan fires little lies against us ALL the time and he uses these "what if´s" and "you´re not good enough" and we believe it all coz its actually a rule in our heart. You know when you became a Christian, the OLD you died. LIKE died! Literally. But it wants to come back all the time coz what we dont realize is that we have all these things WRITTEN all over already and if they´re not replace we keep on fighting the battle and loosing the war. Ok, and when I said we should be fighting, the actual truth is that WE cant replace them. Only Father God can. He can take away these things if we LET him come and deal with stuff.
And sometimes it hurts so much that we wanna hide and not deal with them. We dont want to "go there" coz its past. But heck, PAST follows us like no other.
If I wouldnt let God deal with the eating disorder I had Id still be believeing lies like: "You´re too FAT", "Stop eating, you´re only putting on more weight" etc etc etc. And the thing is they do try to come back, but I let Father fight for me, to heal me and help me not to believe these things.
And no one but God can heal you from inner hurts, from you past troubles. Coz yes, God USES people, but it is STILL HE who workes through them. See my point?
This world belongs to devil, BUT we belong to GOD. So why not let HIM come and rule in our lives? He wants the best for us, He really does. And you know what it means that the Kingdom of God is here... It means it is in OUR HEARTS. Father, Holy Spirit, Jesus- they are IN us and not outside somewhere. We dont have to look them from outside but from inside. They are close...
Oh all these little revelations lately are so important I could keep on going. Sry I just wanted to share that. Do you know that you the way you are, are AMAZING! Did you know that? No? Well, you are. And Father loves you. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you and He loves you.
K :)

Mum

So as you know mum came yesterday.
And it feels so good to have her here.
Kind of safe.
And it feels wonderful to go to work today knowing she is there and she is waiting for me.
And to know that Ester is ok with that. :) She told mum just before her departure that its ok that you go, coz you will be back to me, but Kirsi needs you as well.
So there we go. :)

Me, shy???

"Its all ab communication. Ive complained that I dunno a lot of ppl in Bala, well, girl, JUST start talking to people coz they DO talk back! :D Had a really good random chat with a local today and was encouraged. ;) +all you gotta do is say your name means CHERRY and ure from Estonia and all of a sudden they´re interested..."

I just realized something. I think Im afraid of people. Dont laugh. Im being serious. Yep, me. Im afraid of new people. Not the ones that I know already. Im talking about people I dont know. Like talking to strangers for example. Its starting to change, but VERY slowly. I have had quite a few chats over the last weeks with random people, but it takes a whole piece out from me to do that. Its like crazy, how can I do that, go and just talk to them. And yet they are interested in me. ME, Kirsi. They are interested about my country, about what Im doing here, what I wanna do next. And Im afrad that I have nothing to offer. Afraid that I dont have anything cool to say about myself, that Im boring. Like seriously? I have a fear.

And yet. I have so much to offer. I am loved by my heavenly Father. And I am not boring. I know Im not. Heck. Im so interesting, haha... :D I can sing, paint, draw (maybe), bake, cook, clean, smile, write, sometimes I can be very funny (jup, I hope so at least...). So Im gonna try and test this "new" revelation. Like talking to strangers. :D

Sitting by the big window where I can see our amazing lake with a splash of pink sky today, with a cup of black tea+milk in my hands, I feel good. This morning has been slow but so peaceful, so quiet. Im about to start working in 5 minutes so Im trying to savor that moment, to memorize it the way it is. Beautiful, slow, peaceful, lovely.
Mum comes tomorrow. Another beautiful moment to look forward to. I feel blessed.
Even when things get hard, rough sometimes, I am blessed. Beyond words. With friends, family, scenery, God, music, food, work, warm bed...

7am

320

Tonight Im staying in our B&B. It feels kind of strange to stay here for the night but we really have no other choice... ;) The carpets at our new flat were waxed today and we cant walk on them for 2 days or something so we, girls, are staying here. I dont mind. I have a beautiful room with a big big bed and my own bathroom which reminds me I get to have a bath tonight, OH am I smiling now or not? You bet I am... :) :) Big grin!
Mum is coming in 3 days and as it turned out my aunt as well, so its like 2 in 1!
Hugshugshugshugs

Hey YOU!