There are days when I really miss Bala. I miss the peace. I miss the mountains. I miss the lake and the roads I used to walk. I know Ill go back there one day. To visit, to remember, to smell, to see. I love how every day I went for walks and found something new to see. And how it was not cold there.
And yet. Living back in memories does nobody good. It just does not change the present. Instead it might want to draw people back into the past and let them dwell there. So often I find myself dwelling in my past. Mistakes I made, or the good stuff that happened. And I stop enjoying the moment. Or I go way ahead into the future, worrying and thinking over.

I think that has happened to me at the moment.
I live in Türi-Alliku. I live together with my parents and Ester and Siimu. And especially on days I dont have to go to work I find myself going back in time. Thinking what was then and how good it was. Not realizing that its RIGHT now that matters. This moment here. My moments. The joy that life can give me if Id allow it to... The beauty of RIGHT NOW. And I forget to breathe. I forget what breathing really means. Coz Im so busy finding faults with everyday life. So busy not seeing. Not hearing. Not listening.
Sometimes Im so mad at dad coz he likes to be awake late into the night time. And he listens music then and walks around and makes some sounds that wont let me sleep. And yet Im jealous of him how he finds his time with God then. Its his quiet time when everybody else is sleeping and he can just be. Breathe.

We all need that time. to breathe. to see. to listen. to know what stirs your heart and to find the moments NOW that... that help you stay close to God. To Him that loves you. Loves me passionately and fiercely.

Speak. Love. Live.

Speak.
Speak the words of life.
The door is open. To speak the words of life over beautiful precious women. I have been invited to speak my testimony and story in Pärnu on the first weekend of March. Im both excited and scared. Im honored to do that yet Im so afraid its crazy. But then Im reminded that its not my words of life. Its Gods words of Life and Restoration. Its His work. Not mine. Im a spokesperson for Him. And that is comforting.
Speak.
I had another kind of experience on the 27th of January, Sunday. Had to go to Tallinn to do a short videoclip for Freedom-event. Seriously. I dont remember myself being that scared for a long time. It was not a question-answer kind of thing. It was more like "Kirsika speaking with a camera-thing" and that was hard. I was told not to use any parasite-words and man I do that a lot. So Im not sure I dare to even watch it when it finally comes out at one point, haha... Anyway. Speak. The words of life.

And speak love. Tell people you love them. Tell them God is love. Show them. Act love out. And not out of yourself but out of God in you. Hard to explain easier to show. ;)
Love is not so hard as it seems to be. Love is just a simple hug. Love is Ester telling me I should get married. Love is a cup of coffee. Love is a smile. Love is God. And God is love. :)

hommik. peegel. meie.

me teeme seda enesele aru andmata.
me ärkame hommikul, läheme peegli ette ja näeme ennast. ja siis kõnnime vannituppa, ja vaatame jälle peeglisse.
ja siis mõtleme, et võiks ju natuke kaalust alla võtta. et kõht võiks lamedam olla.
ja jalad võiksid väiksemad olla. saledamad.
ja me ei pane isegi tähele, et me nii mõtleme. ehk siis, kui me maha istume ja natuke aru peame selle üle, mis meie peas päeva jooksul läbi käib.
mina teen seda.
võibolla sa ei tee. ja mul on selle üle hea meel.
aga millegi pärast on meil kõigil enda keha kohta mõtteid, mis ei ole head.
ja me võibolla arvame, et meil on kõik korras, sest me ju meeldime iseendale.
ja järgmist jäätisekaussi näost sisse ajades mõtleme, et see on ju kõigest lohutus millelegi, mis on haiget teinud.
ja siis see järgmine komm. ah, see on kõigest 1 komm ju. ma vajan seda kommi, sest mul on millegi pärast paha tuju. sest keegi ütles mulle midagi halba. või ei õelnud midagi head.
enesele aru andmata teeme me end päeva jooksul sadu kordi maha. ja me isegi ei märka seda. sest see on loomulik. normaalne.ja siis kui me uusi riideid ostame, on meil paha tuju, sest midagi ei lähe selga. ja me ei leia seda, mida me tegelikult tahaksime.

ja me ei ole endaga rahul. ja me teeme endale haiget. me varastame iseendilt rõõmu. ja laseme teistel seda varastada. ja teised isegi ei tea seda. me arvame, et "temal" on ju raudselt kõik korras. et "temal" on ilus keha ja tore poiss. et "tema" ei mõtle nii, nagu meie.

kuigi tegelikult ei saa me mitte kunagi olla täiuslikud. isegi, kui meil on maailma arvates täuslik keha, ei ole me ikkagi... me oleme kõik erilised, omamoodi. me oleme imelikud. me oleme unikaalsed. me oleme tehtud miljoniteks ja biljoniteks erilisteks. sest nii on hea. ja nii oli Tema plaan. Ainukese Täiusliku plaan.
ma nii igatsen, et ma peaksin seda iga kord meeles, kui ma peeglisse vaatan.
või kui ma jäätist söön.
või kui ma näen kedagi, kellel on "ideaalne" keha.
sest minul on ju ka.
minu keha. ja minu jalad. ja minu kõht.

Different

Ive got my ticket for the long way ´round...

Fun. I had so much fun last night. While in Canada my sister and Chris showed me a movie called Pitch Perfect and I got hooked. With one song. And it was a crazy cool song. Something I felt challenged to try. And for some reason I really wanted to do it. Coz it was different and yet brilliant.
And since I still have a yet-lag (duuh, Ive been home since Tuesday and I still aint over the time-difference plus I had to be at work already on W-day and that was not cool) I needed to do something fun for a change. So I was like, I WANT to learn how to play cups. And it took me "only" the whole evening but I did it and Im proud of myself. I really am. I cant say I nailed it but it is not bad. Not bad at all.
Challenges can be scary sometimes but worth it. It is so not a typical Kirsi-song but why not? Why cant I do something different! ;)

It is good to be back at home but I miss V. I really really miss her. She is something special. My beautiful sister and one of my best girls! And my time there was precious! And now Im back here and I just wanna make every second count...
:)

Something she said today.
We were driving home with Vaarika and suddenly started talking about my departure on Tuesday. And then V said that its so natural that Im here, that Im like a part of her everyday life now and she is used with me. And I just wanted to hug her so hard and not let go... She is my home. She is a part of me even if we are so different its crazy. She calls me weird and I think she is actually the weird one...
But just to hear these words. My heart is so happy for her. She is blessed to have Chris and a beautiful home. I know my Father takes care of her and I need not to worry. Its been a joy to be here, to be a part of their life for 3 weeks (well, still got a few days to go but why not to say it out loud now!!). :)

Just a lovely note I found in the end of an amazing book I just finished reading! Be encouraged! :)

Unexpected

:) Its Saturday early morning and Im wide awake but not really surprised about that. We have been eating so much for the last 2 evenings so my tummy hasn't been happy about it... 

Anyway we have done quite a bit this week. On Thursday we went to Niagara Falls and had a good day out. I was actually very moody half of the day and said some things I shouldnt have and there is even no justification for me but then I was like, why am I doing this, and finally let them take the lead and make the decisions. After I did that everything was fine. We made it to the Falls quite late and it was breathtakingly beautiful but also freezing so we were there for like 10 minutes, took some pics and ran... The next stop was a Brazilian Steakhouse. I had no idea whats coming; V-C made me taste like 10-13 different types of meat. Whoah that was just crazy. I was fine the first hour and the 2nd one came a bit harder... Anyway. I did enjoy it but not the night after. I actually felt like Im on water, floating with tons of meat inside! :D

But yesterday. Man, there hasnt been a day like yesterday so far. The craziest Friday so far... I woke up, not feeling good *the meat; and then had to quickly change my pyjamas and get dressed, coz Chris had to go to work and V needed something from the store, so we made it out, and it had been snow storming all night long, so the roads were kind of clean but there was this road that really wasnt. And we made it through most of the snow when V suddenly screamed to stop and so Chris did. And then we were just stuck. I was wearing almost nothing and Chris had his work clothes on and V, well, she suddenly became this amazing Estonian woman and started working. Within 30 minutes she got us out but by that time the car was so dirty you could not see inside, we were dirty and cold and it was just a mess. Chris made it to work, we made it to car/wash. It took almost 2 hours to clean the car. CRAZY. We were just sitting there, waiting, talking. Being tired and messy. Then had some lunch and went shopping. With our dirty clothes, faces etc. Haha and have to say that quite a lot more unexpected things happened, but anyway...

The evening was good though. Visited their neighbours and had a fun night playing boardgames and eating yummy food! :)

I have 9 more days here and probably quite a lot of unexpected things. But Im happy and satisfied and I LOVE my holiday so far! :) Be really blessed and know Your Father is with YOU! (Im also saying this to myself so...)!!!!!

Happy New Year!!!!! :)