Something something

It was absolutely amazing.
The concert was everything I dreamed and hoped about. It had a little ups and downs and I was afraid that Ill mess up but putting it all together with Margus and Kaidi and a good team of helpers... It was so good and Im so happy we decided to pull it together a bit bigger. I do have 3 songs up on my music-page that you can listen to from the live-concert and here´s THE link:
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/sets/j-ulukontsert-2013

Its been some great weeks behind me. Oh its been hard weeks full of work and youth and church but its all been worth it. I wonder almost every week why am I doing the things I am doing BUT then something happens and I see it all together again, I mean I see it how it really is and then I know. I am doing these things because I am suppose to be exactly here at this time. This is my time and my life and I have everything that God has intended for me right now. Maybe I have had to say no to so many concerts etc but RIGHT now I have what I need and its enough.
I could write down the highlights from 2013 but I dont really bother. What matters the most is that everything I do I want to do for God. I complain and gruff and puff and I must admit that quite often, BUT heck, life is worth so much more. I even complain that I dont get everything I want straight away BUT what if straight away is not the best for me. Anyway. 2013 has been hard but good. So very good. And so very interesting. Big changes, big steps of faith, full of pain and hurt, full of joy and love and laughter. Full of friends and family. Full of mistakes and forgiveness. Full of pictures.

Enjoy your life. Appreciate life. Appreciate big things, small things, sad things, happy things.
Have fun. :)
Cry if you need to.
And hug someone you love.
Hug someone you dont love.

How.

Performing in front of your loved ones, the ones who know you and you know them, is always the hardest. No, I am not afraid, but yes, I am afraid. The Christmas-concert is only a few days ahead and right now there will be only one rehearsal before Sunday. ONE! Oh boy. There are reasons for that which cannot be shared publicly, hehe... But I am also excited. Because I know it will be one heck of a concert. Surprises included. ;)
Im just starting to repeat myself, but its been really crazy for me... So much to do always and when I count the times Ive been sick, oh oh, just way too much of that. So no more. Now its cheers for being healthy and eating good food and enjoying the crazyness as well because you know what, one CAN actually do that. Enjoy the crazy times. Because in the midst of all the stuff that needs to be done, there is ALWAYS fun and precious moments. Playing card games or watching a stupid movie that doesnt give you much but still time spent with friends while doing that, seeing a child laugh in the store, a friend who has survived a bad accident comes back home-church-to friends... Precious. And so valuable. Or really, seeing an eleven-year-old girl enter a church one day and actually staying and now being a part of it. Brings tears to my eyes. Tears of thankfulness and joy. I am so happy and relieved that God brings us these moments of REST because thats HOW He can show us He is real, He is right here, with US! Right now. In every single moment. Every. Single. Moment.
So how do I do it? Work full time, youth, church, worship, music, concerts, being sick, time with friends, time with God, reading, time with myself??!!. Well. I take one step at a time. I look forward to tomorrow BUT I Live right now, I live today. One step at a time. Because believe me, skip a step and you will fall. Though even then there is Someone who brings me up. From the fall.
Be courageous this week. Be bold to tell someone they are important to you. Be bold to encourage. To love. To give a hug that might save someones day. Be courageous.
:)

Let go. Let go. Fight?

So which one is it? Fight or let go?

The question for me has always been about this. There have been times I have known 100% that I had to let go. And another times I knew I had to fight for something. For my freedom. For my family. For friends.
And yet again in many areas of my life I question the very same thing. To fight or to let go. And truth be told - I have no idea. Some days its as if I know. Its as if I know that Im suppose to go on without letting go. And some other days, moments, I feel the urge, the great need to let go.
And what about the saying - let go and let God? Why then are we suppose to hold on to some stuff and let go other? Haa, I know I sound like a desperate woman, but I am not. I know who I am. Its just that there are days I wonder... And question.
Just like everybody else.
I am not frantic.
I am not desperate.
I am just someone who thinks way too much. And yet again, I was created to think. To reason and to question. And I was created to love, to live, to laugh, to hold on and to let go.
For years one of my favorite passages in Bible has been about timing. There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven... A time. A certain time. I tend to forget that. I tend to press on with my own knowledge which is 0 compared to God´s.
I am probably not making sense today. And thats 100% ok. I guess I cant always make sense (read-almost never)...
I was asked yesterday if I KNOW my own value. I couldnt say yes. I couldnt say no. So I said the simple thing that I almost always say. I said I know that I am loved. Oh boy. But do I know that I am also worthy of being loved. Worthy of being fought for. Of being pursued. I have stopped believing that long time ago. So I keep saying to people that I am loved. I just pray that God would show us all our true value. So that we could learn to trust Him in every question we face. Even if we need to let go of something or hold on to another thing.

But how am I doing. Really. How am I doing today, or yesterday or tomorrow. I guess I am good. I have my moments where I wanna scream and hit someone. And then I normally shut down. Instead of being angry I shut down. And there are moments I am so happy I could kiss someone or give a Kirsika-hug (which I do anyway)... But mostly I am being me. Without masks. If Im sad everybody knows that and if Im happy everybody knows that. Cant hide a freaking thing when it comes to me. Sometimes I wish I could. I have had some great moments with music lately and for that I am so very very very excited and thankful and happy.
Because if I could choose just 1 thing. 1 thing to do. Then it would be music. Singing, guitar. Worship. Then I would give my 100% and everything else I would put a little behind. Then I wouldnt fight so hard to do about 99 other things because if I dont then what would people think. Jup. I said it.
And I want to do all these other 99 things. But maybe I shouldnt.

Like all of them 99 different things I just shared about. ;)

Advent

Patience is NOT my strongest side. I have no idea how many blog-posts are about waiting, patience, expecting the right time, waiting on God etc. No idea. But probably 50% or something... I am not surprised though. Everything in this world just goes faster and faster and people tend to get things quicker and if not, then they give up and move to next thing. Like there is NO time to wait on anything because you gotta have it now and if not now then there is always something new and "better" ahead. Right?

Oh how Im struggling with this mindset. Because I want my things now. Its as if Im waiting for my life to start even though it has already started 26 years ago. God gave me life and he chose my parents for that. For 26 years I have lived a full life. Struggles, joys, tears, laughter, snow, rain, friends. I have had it all and I STILL HAVE IT ALL. Its not good to always always look forward for a better day. Coz then one definitely never enjoys a moment. The moment one has right now. 

I am looking out my window and I see a light pink-orange color in the sky. Its still early and I live on a 5th floor so the views I get each morning are sometimes breathtaking, sometimes not so... BUT mostly I know that heck, if I cant even enjoy the view, the moment that I have been given right now, HOW can I be sure that whats ahead, is the start of my "wanted" life? 

Appreciating the little things is so hard. Once you start though... Oh wow. I mean I look back at yesterday and yes, there were moments in it I wish I COULD erase, some words spoken by me I wish I could take back, acts done I wish I wish I wish. BUT it was such a good day. SO good. And my hope is that when I look back a year from now, I see the good. The beautiful. Not the impatience, the constant waiting of better, bigger...

I had a little concert yesterday with my friend Kaidi. And there was someone from the local church sharing a word because it was the 1st advent and she was suppose to lit the candle etc. Anyway, she said that we live in this fast world where people expect everything NOW. And even with Christmas, we start Christmas now, we are so bad with waiting, but advent-time is the time where we can reflect, we can wait for our God, our precious Savior... I still remember the first time I came home for Christmas from Wales and my little girl Ester ran to me with an advent-chocolate-calendar and said that its for me. And then she was like, Im sorry, I ate a few chocolates cos I couldnt wait, resist, hahahaha, I laughed my head off. Cute as she can be. But anyway, eating the chocolates coz one cant wait... Oh and btw, the concert was so good. Enjoyed sharing about God the Father publicly and had a good time at the kindergarten principal home later on... :)

Have a good advent-time. SPEND IT WITH YOUR FAMILY, friends. Appreciate, love, live and laugh!!!!!!!!!