3 weeks

Haaa its starting to look like I write a post after another week has passed but oh no, I promise, when things cool off (which they probably wont anyway, haha) I might write more. Maybe. Maybe not... :)
So yes. 3 weeks in Pärnu and it just feels surreal. I cant believe another week has gone by without me noticing it. I gotta go to work today and 2 days off for example were like nothing. Im not sure I even did everything I wanted to do...
Ill share a bit about my last week. The only evening I had off was Monday evening. On Tuesday night I went out with Jenny Kruse people and some friends of mine to a Jenny Kruse boat-ride. That was FUN and cold but mostly fun. :) And then there were rehearsals and meetings with friends and youth reality and church and Sindi. But I am not the kind of person to sit at home alone anyway so it was all good. Its just time here passes by way too quick. Its already the last week of September and Im just like- what, wait, when, how come? :) I have had some good evenings with friends, sharing about dreams and visions, and I WANT TO DO SOME more music. And not on my own, while sitting home alone coz yes, I can do that, but it doesnt take me anywhere... haha. Maybe it does in a way, when its my alone time with God but thats different. :) Ok, maybe not so different, coz with friends, its also God in the midst of us! :)
Anyway, as you can see, my dear one, I cant get over and under and around the music part of me. Its so deep and its in me. And when Im with people, I can see, that it is coming out. Maybe in a different way than I would have expected, BUT in a good way. :)

Oh boy. And this week Im experimenting with something Ive done before as well. Im gonna have a sweets-fast-break, you can call it whatever. No candies, chocolate, cookies etc. I have had so much lately that its playing mind-games-tricks on me and I gotta have a week off. Somehow. I know I can do it. :) I know!!!

So enjoy your new week with God. With friends. With family. Please tell someone right now how precious they are to you and what they mean to you. Tell someone you love them. Or hug someone. Its so important. Probably more important then anything else.

Love, Kirsi

Crying like a baby early in the morning BUT this 3minute movie is very powerful and a must-see!
http://gawker.com/this-three-minute-commercial-puts-full-length-hollywood-1309506149

Yay for 2 weeks.

2 weeks ago I got the keys to my home. 2 weeks ago my first work-week started. 2 weeks ago I moved to Pärnu and today, finally after 2 weeks, I took a walk in the early morning to the sea-side. Oh Kirsi, why now? Why not every day for the last 2 weeks. It was just pure joy and enjoyment. What a view. What a way to see God´s glory. What an opportunity for me to just have my morning-times there since Im up anyway... A little bit windy, a little bit salty, crispy morning. Such fresh air...
And you know what, yesterday was a new day but so is today. It was a wonderful day. But so is today.
We had a guest in our church and he shared a story about something that I will probably never ever forget. About an elephant who is standing in one place because he doesnt know he can break free and run. Because when the big elephant was a baby-elephant he was grounded with the same stick to the ground and then he couldnt get off, he kept trying but just couldnt. So he gave up AND stopped trying. And when he grew up he had the same mind-set "Im stuck here coz I cant get off".
I am no elephant stuck in one place. And thats why I moved to Pärnu. I knew my place is here. FOR who knows how long Im here for but right now I dont want to go anywhere else. I am here and I am doing my thing. I am doing my thing with God. And with people who see potential in me (haha, hopefully!)... So if you still ask what the heck is Kirsika doing in Pärnu. WELL, MY THING. ;) I dont quite know yet what my thing really is, but little steps. Little steps. Little. And maybe a big step in the middle. But somewhere along the way I am doing my thing...

When...

...your heart literally breaks coz you have no idea how to move on with your dreams.
Well. Mine is still here and well and alive but a little bit broken right now. I am here. In Pärnu. For 2 weeks already and its been such a great 2 weeks. And Im starting to settle in. With my life here. Different stuff going on every day. Workwise its good, Im getting used to my colleges and work-system.
But there is this one thing. And thats called music. And I am really struggling to get back on track. To see the bigger picture. To find the joy in music. In worship. In guitarplaying. In writing songs. In finding my own time to do all that. And Im in a need right now. Such a deep need. I have no desire to wake up one day being 70 and realizing I never shared my vision with anyone or that I never did enough to make them come true. That would be just horrible. A nightmare even. I want to step out and soon. I want to believe in my music. In what I am doing. And I want to find that passion again in my doings.
I believe God has a calling for all of us. I believe He has made us with bigger pictures. And the way He sees all of us is pretty much perfect and so beautiful. And He knows my dreams. He really knows them. Coz He has put them there. And right now I want to trust Him. I need to. I cant loose my focus. Non of us should... Found this saying somewhere that if its still in our minds its worth taking the risk. Yes. Thats what I want right now.
BUT as I said to my pastor last night. I am proud of myself. With a heartache I still made the choice to move to Pärnu. I still came and Im here to stay unless I hear otherwise. And only from God. Not everything you should know about me but if there is one thing, then its this: I am proud of myself and God is also proud of me! :)
Love, Kirsi

Pärnu.

Elangi nüüd päriselt Pärnus. Juba nädal aega peaaegu. Kõik on praegu veel nii uus ja mulle ei ole kohale jõudnud, et ma olengi siin. Et ma ei pea enam iga nädalavahetus edasi-tagasi Türi-Pärnu-Türi marsruuti sõitma ja et peale kirikut ei pea keegi mind mu pastorite juurde ööseks sõidutama ja et... Ühesõnaga, et ma elan siin.
Aga miks? Miks ikkagi Pärnu ja mida ma teen siin?
Mõtlesin, et annan väikese algusloo ka, muidu on mõtetu lihtsalt õelda, et nüüd olengi siin ja kõik on hästi ja kuidas ma töökoha sain ja kus elan...
Teadsin Karinit-Sveni ikka päris pikka aega, aga uuesti kohtusime paar aastat tagasi Isa Süda konverentsil Türil. Ja Karinil tekkis mingi aeg idee, et võiks Kirss Pärnusse enda kogudusse kutsuda. Ja see idee kasvas ja siis pool aastat tagasi Märtsi alguses lõpuks teostus. Käisin siis enda lugu (toitumishäired, sõltuvus, vabanemine jms) siin rääkimas. Muidugi sai ühest tüdrukuteõhtust terve nädalavahetus full on tegevusi. Reedel juhtisin ülistust ja rääkisin enda tunnistuse Youth Reality-s, laupäeval oli väike ülistusseminar või siis pigem ülimõnus jutuajamine suure grupi inimestega, kes kõik armastavad Jumalat ja igatsevad ülistuse kohta rohkem teada saada; õhtul käisime veel Sindi spordipäeval (iganädalased üritused, mis on mõeldud 1-9.ndatele klassidele ja mida korraldab YR), ja hiljem oli siis tüdrukute osadusaeg. Olin ikka megaväsinud selleks ajaks juba ja kui pühapäeval peale kõike üles ärkasin, olin haige. Ikka nii haige, et krambid, palavik ja migreenihoog. Ja koju tagasi jõudsin esmaspäeval, kui mind autoga viidi, sest ise eriti end liigutada ei suutnud... :)
Anyway, olin kodus ja mõtlesin, et mis juhtus. Siinkohal ütlen, et mul ei olnud ju Eestis enda kogudust. Kohta, kus ma oleksin end tundnud kodus, kohta, kus ma oleksin saanud jagada ja anda. Kohta, kus oleksid minu inimesed. Kui ma Walesist 1,5 aastat tagasi Eestisse tulin, siis kolisin kohe tagasi Türile ja jäin sinna nn üksi. Ja minu üks suurimaid igatsusi oli leida endale koht, kus ma saaksin olla mina ise.
Ja järsku tuli selline vajadus tagasi Pärnusse kuidagi jõuda. Paar nädalat hiljem avastasin end taas SIIN. Pärnus. Ma ei teagi, kuidas see juhtus, aga ma teadsin, et olen kodus. Isegi, kui see imelik tundub siiamaani, et keegi võib sellise asja pärast linna vahetada ja elukoha leida, siis minul hakkas see mõte peas ringi jooksma. Olin alles Türi-Alliku lasteaias ka tööl ja teadsin, et enne Septembrit ei koli ma kohe kindlasti. Nii ma siis sõitsin 6 kuud edasi-tagasi. Aidates igal pool, kus võimalik. Muidugi seal on palju asju, millest ma ei saa ja ei taha siin suures plaanis rääkida. Ja ei see, et kõik on meeletult kerge ja lihtne. Nope. Tihti on tulnud peatäis pisaraid nutta ja siis edasi tegutseda, aga kui südames miski põleb, siis selle vastu ei saa.

Augusti alguses hakkasin siis elukohta ja töökohta otsima. Käisin kortereid vaatamas ja kaalusin erinevate inimeste juures elamist. Käisin ühes kohvikus proovipäeval ja teises vestlusel. Saatsin oma CV-d igale poole ja muudkui otsisin ja järjest nõutumaks muutusin. Ühel hetkel sain aru, et minu südames on nii suur vajadus enda kodu järgi kohe ja praegu, et ma olen nii paljud variandid kinni pannud...
30.08 oli minu viimane tööpäev Türi-Alliku lasteaias, 31.08 oli minu esimene tööpäev Pärnus ja 01.09 sain endale elukoha...
Nii, kui tegin otsuse, et kolin kõigepealt siia ja siis saan rahulikult edasi otsuseid teha, juhtus kõik nii kiiresti, et nüüd nädal hiljem ei ole ma veel korralikult hingatagi saanud... Kolisin siis Mai keskuse juurde. Kogudusse on 2 sammu astuda, meri on paarisaja meetri kaugusel ja kõik olulised poed samuti. Olen niiiiii õnnistatud ja tänulik selle koha eest, et ei oska midagi õelda. Korteri omanik töötab Soomes ja käib aegajalt Eestis, mul on selline armas tuba ja TEAN, et ühel päeval tuleb mulle täitsa minu oma kodu ka. Seni on kodu siin. :) Ja töökoht... Huh, sain esialgu kolmeks kuuks Jenny Kruse misjonipoodi tööle. Pm-lt toovad nad kaupa Rootsist ja tead mis, tule ise läbi sealt. Siis näed täpselt, mida ma teen. Olen kassas, jooksen ringi, korrastan riiuleid, sorteerin kaupa jne jne. 5 päeva nädalas, selline püsiv asi hetkel.
Nii, et miks kolis Kirss Pärnu?
Sest ma teadsin, et ma pean ise otsustama. Ma olen alati olnud inimene, kelle jaoks õigel ajal on õiged uksed lahti läinud. Ma olen alati teadnud täpselt, kuhu Jumal mind on juhtinud. AGA Jumal töötab erinevalt. Vahel ei juhtu kõik asjad KOHE ja praegu. Vahel peame me ise otsuse tegema ja siis Ta toob läbimurde. Ja praegu ma lihtsalt otsustasin, et siia ma tulen nomatterwhat. :)

Vaatan siin oma viienda korruse aknast välja ja tean, et Ta on ustav. Tean, et Ta hoolib ja tean, et ma olen hoitud ja kaitstud. Ja armastatud. Isegi, kui ma ei tunne ja ei koge seda iga sekund. Just täna sain kaks väga rasket ja mitte-nii-toredat e-maili ja mõtlesin, et mida nüüd. Ja siis järsku mõtlesin, et elus ongi erinevad asjad, vahel läheb ülesmäge, vahel allamäge ja et ma peaksin hoopis naeratama, sest naeratus on alati ülesmäge. ;)
Ja tead mis, tule külla mulle! Ma otsin praegu põhjust kooki küpsetada (OI, selle peale tuli mu aknast pannkoogilõhna, oi, peaks ise vist naabritele külla minema...)! ;)
Ja ma vajan praegu väga palveid. Sest see on meeletult suur otsus minu elus olnud ja mingis mõttes olen ma kohas, kus ma ei tea, mis edasi saab, aga samas, kas on inimest, kes teab täpselt, mis homme juhtub!!!
Kirsu

(Ps! Sry, kui ma ei ole korralikult sinu kirjale või telefonikõnele vastanud; nagu ma mainisin, ma ei ole veel hingatagi saanud, rääkimata siis muust!) ;)

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So Im finally here. In Pärnu. Actually living here. And working. After a long period of wanting to move here its done!!!! IM HERE!

But the story why and where and when is a bit longer ofc. Those who have been following my life and also my blog know that its been a progress and process for me. Pärnu came into my life about 6 months ago now, in the beginning of March if I remember right. There was this absolutely great pastor´s wife, Karin, who saw me leading worship some years ago in FH conference and she had also heard a bit of my story with eating disorder etc. So she decided she wants to invite me to Pärnu to their church. So I could share my story to the girls. Oh we tried to set it up for months and months and finally it succeeded. Oh boy, was that a weekend. So if there is one thing I learned from my first weekend was that nothing is done half-way (with Sven-Karin-Kenneth). My girl-talk was just 1 part of my visit. On Friday night (youth meeting) I led worship and shared a bit of my testimony, on Saturday morning I shared about worship to the worship-team, after that they took me to Sindi to a sports-day and in the evening I had the girls-group. And ofc I managed to wake up almost dead the next morning, sick with fever and cramps and migraine headache so I was taken home by car the next day coz I just couldnt do anything (couldnt even stay for the Sunday-meeting)...

(One thing you must understand: I had absolutely no contact with Pärnu before that. I had been here occasionally, just a summer-city for me. So even thinking about moving to Pärnu was out of the question.)

So I go back home and suddenly I find myself thinking about the church, the youth, the pastors and Im drawn back there. After moving home from Wales 1,5 years ago I had a hard time finding a church, a place I could call Home. A place where I could serve and be myself. So suddenly seeing all that in Pärnu was freaking weird and scary. It takes me a few weeks to finally visit Pärnu again and see all the people that I missed. And as time goes by, I find myself travelling back and forth every weekend, sometimes weekly as well. As soon as I had no work in kindergarten, I was in Pärnu again. Helping with Sindi Sports, with worship, just spending time with people I care about. Realizing that when Im in Türi, I miss all of that. 

A decision had to be made. A big one. After July was over with all the Americans visiting the church, the missions in Sindi etc etc, I was in a place where I knew I want to move to Pärnu. I knew it so deep in me that nothing could tell me its a wrong decision. Sometimes in my life when things get serious I run... But this time the knowledge of not running away when it gets hard, overwhelmed me stronger than fear.

So in the beginning of August I started to look for a place to live and a job. Went to see different apartments and was thinking of even moving into someone´s house, but non of it felt right. Just non of it made sense to me... Went to a few job interviews and test days and just couldnt find the right thing. I also realized that in my head I dreamed of a home where I can already put everything in a place and call it MY place. But with the salaries I was offered in different places I could have not afford my own place. So I looked through every option again and saw a light. With a help of a few good friends ocf.
Lets see; on Friday (30.08) I had my last day in Türi-Alliku kindergarten, on Saturday (31.08) had my first day in my new job and on Sunday (01.09) I got myself an apartment. And all that happened when I finally made the decision that I have to get myself here and then everything else comes... I havent even got the time to breathe in and out this last week. Everything happened so fast (and furious, haha).
I live near my church, near the sea and near all the biggest shops. Oh so good. SO very good and I actually feel its the best place for me right now. A good-sized room in a 3-room apartment (the lady works in Finland and occasionally comes home for the weekend) and a good view. I love how I came for the church and now church is just 2 steps from me... ;)
And the job. I was offered a job in Jenny Kruse mission-shop downtown (https://www.facebook.com/JennyKruseHeategevuspood). Its basically supporting Jenny Kruse ship and the stuff to the shop is brought in from Sweden. Kinda like a second-hand-charity shop. And its perfect for now coz I get to use a lot of my own creativity there and its a safe 5-day 8-hour job for me. It came to me and I accepted. What a better way to start my life here.
Yes, now and then I shed a tear, or more like a river of tears coz even now I have no idea what Im doing or where Im going, but something is happening and at least I havent stopped. ;)

Come and visit me. I will give you a huge hug and bake you a cake (maybe). Come and see yourself how I am doing because no blog-post will show you how I am really doing and what emotions I have right now. :) I am a little bit sorry with all the letters I havent replied to and some unanswered calls. I really havent had the time and well, why excuses. Its just been busy!
So yes, Kirsi is in Pärnu and today I rest! ;)