Kodu.

Let me tell you how it feels like to be at home!!! AMAZING!
You know the moment I stepped out of that door in the airport my baby just ran to me, clinged herself to my waist and started kissing me. She is adorable and grown quite a bit. 3,5 months can change kids. Im still the same cherry but she is taller and she has more teeth and... :) Such a sweetie.
And after arriving home I just took the longest and deepest nap I have had in a while ((well I was up all night long the other night and haha, well, had some fun let me say)). And after waking up visited relatives across the street. Saw our newest addition to the family and everyone else. There were like tons of people! :D But then again, there always is.
And now its 8.15 am here and I just woke up. Ester is adorable in my bed, still sleeping. Last night I realized how much she loves me. She just couldnt take no for an answer when I tried to convince her that sleeping in my bed is not a good idea. So there we were, 2 of us, in a small tiny bed, but doesnt matter. As long as she was happy! :)
Going to the country-side today. To enjoy the weather and see my other bunch of family!
Hugs and love to everyone. Enjoy your families, they are more precious then you know!

Ill end with a quote:
"For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it!"

Day 103

Oeh. Olen kodus homme! Ja ma tulen nii suure armastusega, et te kõik ei jõua seda ära taluda!
Kirsu

Day 102

Girl just wanna have fu-u-u-n!

Day 101: Red

Coz sometimes all we need is a little bit of red nailpolish thats called "Chelsea Cherry" and everything is alright again!

PS! I just discovered something and its a wonderful discovery. See, I recieved a crazy wonderful sweet encouraging letter yesterday from a friend who said I should not give up when it comes to music. And he asked me some important questions and so today I made a huge list of something something. And then came to my computer and went through some folders with my songs in it and you know what, over the last 4 years I have written 9 songs. 9 SONGS!! Do you get it? I mean before music school I didnt even know what writing a song means and I have 9 now. They might not be the best ones in the whole world but they are mine and they have been given to me. And that gave me a big big hope. That I am not hopeless and I actually can write music. Me, Kirsi. :)

Day 100: wow

Wow, Ive been here exactly for 100 days. This is exciting! :) And I have a day off so thats even more promising especially looking out the window, no rain and just sun shining and me being up early again. I might have a picnic somewhere. A book, camera and lunch. Now how does that sound? Good eh? ;) I know!!! Oh please please dont rain today!
Only 4 more days and Im home. My heart sings only by thinking of that. I have put some money aside to take with me so I could manage to go to Tartu and see my beautiful friends! I sure do miss Tartu and its wonderful people!!
I had a weird day yesterday. Something happened that I cant talk openly about but my heart just skipped 10 beats or so and alll day long it kept playing in my head, over and over and over again. You know these little things that try to take you down???!! SO hear me out, dont let them ok? Trust your heart and act by it. Trust what this little inner voice tells you. So I did what I knew I should do and felt 10 times better after that. And now I have peace again! :)
Uh I should go back to bed. I woke up 5:40am or smth and its way too early to do something now.
Oh dear friend and just a random person who made it to this page, know that you´re deeply loved by God! Believe it or not and do with it as you please! But I know that in your heart you actually know that there is something bigger then just being and not knowing who you are! In God we get an identity! You see, singing and my voice is not who I am! Coz actually I am a daughter and a princess, thats where my identity is!!!! ;)
Kirsi

Day 98: Big mama

I tried to be a big mama. I didnt work. See, these kids like to hang out on OUR doorway lately. They talk loud, listen music loud, laugh loud!!!!!! So what am I to do when I want to sleep? Am I suppose to tolerate this? Naah, so I went outside just 15 min ago and asked them if they dont have anything better to do and they looked at me with their all-so-blue-eyes and were like, we dunno what u´re talking about. I guess Im not scary or smth. Oh well. Gotta eat me big! :D Or next time Ill take a pillow with me and beat them away. Or no no, Im gonna blackmail them. Im gonna take my invisible gun and just kick them out... Ok Im going a bit too far now aren´t I?
I guess its suck it up cherry and be a man??? :D Or a woman?
Hallu, its about 5 days left til I see my beloved. Beloved country, parents, sister, friends, Tartu! :) Beloved potatosalad and kohuke and... mum´s cakes. Yumm and hallelujah! I really am planning NOT to cook for 10 days. So whoever is gonna see me, has to cook for me! (Ps! Ragne Koppel, sina pead mulle kohe kindlalt midagi küpsetama, muidu ei mängi välja!!!).
Anyway. It is rain and rain and rain and rain here. Oh did I mention that it rains here? And sometimes it rains too. And I have to wear my autumn jacket coz its cold. Like seriously? Im thinking of buying a pair of gloves coz my hands are frozen all the time... And its like June? Uh man, I need a vacation! To Tenerife or somewhere?? And then I would just lay there in my bikini that I dont have and eat ice cream. Tons of ice cream. And read silly magazines and not think about toilets. ;) Now how does that sound? Good I know. Im pretty good in imagining things...
Oh and music music music I am sooo missing you? I try to make up by listening some crazy amount of ipod but... somehow my heart is just crying for singing. I need this. Its been like an air for me. And now its not here. Oh how in the world will the doors in this area gonna open? I would really like to know. Guess this is the trusting place for me.
Alright.

Day 96: Memory

Memory is a trixy thing. I wanted to write about something important. Now that I can´t remember what that is, this post is not gonna include this "something important"! :) Oh well, I guess we all are a bit forgetful sometimes...
Im gonna copy-paste my facebook status, so you could laugh a lil bit:
""Seriously? :D Woke up last night around 2am and had to change a room due the crazy sounds from outside. Later today learned that there were 4-5 naked guys running outside just to impress some people?????!!!! :D :D The joys of living on a main street!!!! ;)"" Now the thing is that I was so so so close of getting dressed and going outside to shut these people up, but now I am SOSO thankful I didnt go... :D I would have ran into some pretty naked guys...

So anyway. I have been doing some little sports lately. Running. A few times already. And I have to say I am a bit proud to admit that on Saturday was the first time in my life when I enjoyed doing sports. I am not kidding. I have never ever ever enjoyed it. I have always struggled through my sport classes and almost hated every one of them. Its been so hard for me to actually go and run on my own. Or go and ride a bike on my own etc. And on Saturday, since I have been running for a few times now, I enjoyed it. And I ran a bit more already. I didnt feel like dying in the end and I felt good. Wow, that is what I call a miracle! ;) I mean, see, I was always the chubby one in my P.E-s. I was the one who was almost the last in everything. There were some who were slower, yes, but I felt Im no good in it. I hated sports (yes, I used the strong "h" word). And some of my sport teachers didnt help me eather by telling how I can´t do this or that. So I faked sicknesses whenever I could. Got a paper from doctor that my stomach hurted or something something. So maybe this will give you a little glympse why Im a bit proud to say I am doing some sports. ;) And the good thing is, NO one is here to boss me around how fast I have to be or how long I have to run. I do it exactly the way I want. And the amount of time I want! :)
In 8 days Ill be coming home. Home to my mum´s bakings and potato salad. Home to Ester. Home to Vivia and Liina. Home to my other friends. Home to my relatives. Home to just relax and not clean toilets. Home to actually just be! :)
Have I told you lately that I miss my sister V? She is an incredable woman. I mean she has been babysitting kids for 3-4 years and she is wonderful at it. She is so good with them. I admire her for that, big time!!!!! And she is so smart. Ou boy! Chris is a lucky fellow to have her as his wife. I tell you, he is a lucky guy! I miss her so terribly bad. You know, this sister´s time that you can´t have with anyone else! Ester is too young for telling secrets and having late movie nights etc. Haa, V, remember when you were home last time? We made a sausage fight and then you did some water throwing and we just laughed. I LOVE YOU! My amazing babysister! :)
Anyway. I dont want to bore you... Next time, just come and visit me here in Bala! Ok? Believe me, the tickets are not expencive at ALL! ;)
Byebye

Day 93: pizza

I have a day off! A BIG GREAT SHOUT OF JOY TO THAT!
Morning: A piece of chocolate-cake and hot chocolate!!
Lunch: Home-made pizza and... peppermint chocolate (Can it get any better? Yes, it can!!) and Moulan Rouge. Perfect movie!!!
Snack I: Home-made raisin-cookies. YUMYUM. Just out from the oven and amazing with milk... Snack II: A walk somewhere. Pictures. Perfect. Just beautiful day. :)
The end: Not sure yet...
;)

Day 92: Numbers

How weird.

How weird it is that sometimes. Actually most of the times when I go shopping for clothes I still look for bigger sizes. And I still cant believe when jeans fit me. Or when I can find a nice dress and fit in it. Weird how my heart still bears this sign "fat". It is not all over the place anymore but pieces of that are still there. Its been 5-6 years when I weighed 10 kilos more than now. And I dont get it. How come I still believe Im back there. How come I cant take me as I am now and see myself as a beautiful woman. A lovely being who is so so so loved!!!! And how come I somehow believe I need to loose some weight???

Well. I know one thing. I am not big. I am not fat. And I am not ugly. But a part of me believes that. You know its like, you know the truth but still believe the lies when they come up. And sometimes here in UK, its not easy. I mean. I dont have my own people here. I do have a family but I mean ppl who were with me in times I was struggling with eating disorders. And ppl who saw me changing. Who were there for me. And who helped me out.

Mmmh. These are just some random thoughts. And why in the world I even started thinking about that? Well, I was reading this magazine about women who had lost weight and I studdenly saw myself. I got these weird ideas that I too should loose weight. That I too should be a size smaller etc. Do you see how it starts?? Something has been written there already long time ago and in order to get it out you need to see them as they are, LIES! Big fat ugly lies. And even if I´d be a bit chubby? And even if I´d be a bit bigger? I mean would my value as a woman would be nothing then?? No, I´d still be an amazing and lovely woman. I´d still be loved by God and my family and friends!

And I am not saying doing sports is not ok! Doing sports is wonderful! Just dont do it for the wrong motives. And if you are a bit bigger so what? You can always start changing that by thinking right! Coz then all the rest will happen anyway. You see that maybe it was comfort eating, maybe this anorexia was just a cover up. Or maybe you threw up that food coz actually you are just hurting so much you hate yourself...

So hear me when I say that YOU´RE beautiful and everything to Him! Your value is enormous!!!!!!! Bigger then anything in this world!! And here me when I say that Daddy has the best for you. Uuh He has got the best for me! I know it. Even when lies come up I try to look into my Dad instead. And DUH its hard. It is not easy.

Anyway. Kirsi is a bit (well thats not rightly said), a lot tired lately. I am having a day off tomorrow. Wish a few people would be here with me then. Just with me!

Love

Day 91: Bike

I am quite proud of myself now. I think once in a while its ok! Let me explain. Well, I have been wondering how in a whole wide world am I suppose to get to work by 7:30 am, when V+R are away with cars and noone can pick me up. So I found this bike from the garage and now have been biking to work and back for 2 days. Pretty good. I mean the roads are just horrible: narrow, up and down and when I say UP then I mean UP! :D I think Im gonna have some pretty good legs after a few months... Ironic ironic!!!
But yes. I am a bit tired. Ive been here for 3 months now and a rest would be just perfect. 13 days and then Im in Estonia for 10 days. Hallelujah! Makes me sing. And dance. Well not now, its still 6:30 am and Im gonna have a shower and food now!
Uuuuh AND did I tell you that I get to worship while in Estonia? Leading some worship in Saaremaa from 2-3 of July! How wonderfullll is that? :) Heart beats faster just by thinking about that... ;)

Day 90: This tatata feeling you know

My heart is pounding...
Yeah right, just kidding! :)
Im sitting in this White Lion Pub with Nathalie... Well we hav really good Internet-connection here so we usually drag our computers along and just sit, drinking something and just spending time. I am actually seriously tired and should be going to bed. I mean I started 7:15 am today. Biking to work like never before and my legs are just seriously tired.
But I do have this tatata feeling. I wasnt kidding with that.
I have this crazy desire to dress up, high heels, a fancy dress, full make up, hair... Everything, and just go to a party or a date or something like that. Ive been here for 90 days now and not once had the chance to really dress up. I am just craving for this. Really bad. Maybe to some fancy restaurant or smth. Uuuh I just sooo want that. Maybe Ill do it in Estonia. I mean Im there for 10 days so I might have a chance to go somewhere. haha Yeah right? :D
But yes. Like today, I came from work 30 minutes ago sweating and panting coz of this crazy bikeride. In a need of air and bed. But my heart is still young you know, 24 years Ive lived and breathed. And n0w I feel its time for a nice party or a date. :D YES YES. :D Oooh wate a second, do not misunderstand me ok? :) I am not talking about a date with a guy or smth like that. Just a date with girls or alone even...
Alright. Bye aye ye. :)

Day 89:

Now then. Sometimes instead of admitting we did wrong we try to justify ourselves. But here I am saying, I messed up and I am sorry. I shouldnt have written that previous post thats erased now. I just shouldnt have. I cant take it back. Whats done thats done. I can just say that I will try to do better next time. Maybe I should shut up sometimes and not write for a while. Maybe. But I probably wont. I will probably make more mistakes and I will regret again and again. But thats life.
Coz you see: "We live, we love, we forgive and never give up, coz the days we are given are gifts from above and today we remeber to live and to love!!!"
And I am learning to ask forgivness. Coz thats all whats this about. Forgiving one another and moving on.

Day 85 - The beach

Day...
I have no idea what day it is sometimes anymore... The time has no value here really. Its just because I dont really have weekends here. My days off are random. Well, I was off Monday-Tueseday and now working until Sunday again. Hha, thats a strange beginning for a blog I must say.
I had a wonderful Tueseday!!! Rosie took me and Nathalie to the beach (not the same one I went on my birthday)! It was beautiful there, whoah, a bit windy I must say but beautiful! And the little town next to it was just sweet. I think at one point I will take a bus there and go on an adventure... Maybe a towel and swimming clothes as well! I mean like I said to Paul here, that in Wales you never know when you get a nice weather, so when you get one you have to seize the moment and run somewhere to enjoy it!!! ;)
I have actually met some people outside our B&B finally. Well, I still struggle with remembering names but thats fine! Feels good to be with people who doesnt work with me. I love love love my B&B family but sometimes I get a feeling that thats all here. But it has started to change. Yayaya!
So 19 days and Im back for 10 days. Hihi, 10 days of not cleaning toilets. I can´t wait for that. Seriously, its been a bit too much lately. You have NO idea how messy some people are. They leave their trash everywhere. Literally. And they pee like they dont care that someone has to clean after them... Yuk! :D But a little break will do me good I am sure. And then I can continue cleaning toilets... ;) Actually it was quite weird, I was working alone yesterday and I enjoyed it. Had music in my earplugs and just danced and singed while working. It was awesome. Cleaned 2 rooms, baked 3 cakes, made a huge amount of tomatosoup, cleaned boatshed and chapel, greeted 4 lots of guests etc. Plus a little amount of random things I had to do. And I didnt feel lonely at all. Daddy protected me Im sure...
Hey friend. If you wanna do something with me while Im in Estonia please let me know. I dont have a lot of time there and I won´t and can´t run after every friend. Sry, but thats how I feel. I want to have a little freedom, but if you do want to meet and hug me then let me know k? Coz the next time in Est for me will be in December!!! ;)
Hih, I found out that I will attend 2 weddings in one week in the end of October. Thats gonna be interesting. Back from Canada I have to get over jetlag in 5 days coz then I have another wedding to go to in Wales! ;) Lovelove love it!
This really is a strange little post, so many random news and paragraphs. Oh well, gotta have one of these once in a while! I am about to go to work soon. Its very early right now and I dont have internet here so Ill post it in B&B! I dont know, we had some sort of powercut on Saturday and since then I can´t catch any connections. Guess it was illegal anyway! :D
My head is empty now. It really is early believe me. Im not gonna give you the time coz you might freak out! :D haha, I would... Empty Kirsi, that doesn´t happen often coz I usually have something to say. But not today. All is just a piece of random information which doesn´t even have a meaning to any of you! :D Ok, maybe it does...
We are about to have some big changes in our B&B. Workwise. Some good, some not so good for me... haha. But I think its about time for me to learn to be flexible!!! And I need some stretching and where else can I find it but with my family?! :) So I am learning and my heart is healing in the process!! Coz we all need that. You know that scripture: Iron sharpens iron?? Well, thats how it is here. My irons are sharpening me. And sometimes its painful. Sometimes I want to scream inside NOOOO, I DONT WANT THIS CHANGE! But then something changes and I feel more clean, more pure. Coz He removes the crap and replaces it with LOVE! And I feel angry sometimes. And then He comes and whispers, "Hey love, come and have a walk with me" and He calms me down. Coz He knows my hurts and pains... It is so wonderful how He knows! And you know, in bad times, in crappy times, we HAVE to learn to worship Him as well. Being a worshiper in good times is no problem, right? But bad times, ooh no, then we dont believe. Actually we do believe but we refuse to see the truth. Thats how it is with me. So we walk this walk on our own, being angry and unsatisfied.
Let me tell you, He deserves our praise ALL the time! Coz then He can show His love and mercy. And He is a LOVING dad! Sometimes we choose the hard way. And that sucks, my friend! I know! I have something going on right now and I cant talk about it. Im not ready. I think I will soon. Probably not here. Have you been in this point in your life where you feel you have been there before? Thats how it is with me now. I have been there 20 times at least. Trying to fill this one place with something thats not right. You know, like replacing it?? So here I am, learning again! I guess we will learn all our lives. We will fail all our lives. And yet again, He comes to us all our lives, knocking and praying that we would open our doors... :) Dear, take His hand, He knows the way better then you do!
This blog is long, but its ok! You dont have to read it, but probably you will, coz you know that somethings says "dont stop", so you wont. You will read it til the end and I hope you will be encouraged. And motivated to not give up in your stupid or weird situation!
Hugs. And my dear Estonian friend, SEE YOU SOON! ;)
Kirsikirsi

Day 80: The day

"Some day he´ll come along, the man I love and he´ll be big and strong, the man I love and when he comes my way, I´ll do my best to make him stay...!"

I was suppose to get married today.
But I am not.
And I am moving forward. Its been 5 months now since we decided to cancel the engagement. And its ok. Because I am moving on. I am in a right place and the timing for that is good. I am doing what Im suppose to do and I know I am held in Daddy´s Hand! I am not regretting anything. T is an awesome man of God and His son! And I am HIS daughter and quite awesome as well. And one day I will fall in love again. I know it in my heart. Coz this is a good desire and Daddy holds this dream for me as well! Like He hold every other and knows just the time and day for me. And I do I do I do want to get married. I am a princess and every princess dreams of her prince. Only Dad knows where he is and whatś taking him so long to find me! ;) So here I am, its 4th of June and Im going to work soon.
My love to you.
PS! I have booked my tickets to Estonia, see you in the end on June! ;) Hugs

Day 78: Home

Where is my home? Home is where my heart is. My heart is here right now. And also in Estonia. With Vivia, Liina, Elana in Tartu, with mum, dad & Ester... With Raki. I also have a bit of my heart in Holland, a bit in Canada, some in Latvia even. Ok I want you to understand something. Daddy has my heart and only through Him I am able to share my heart with so many people. I am not gonna name all of you. I know you know that you belong here, in my heart, as well! But yes. Where is my home? My home is where my heart is. Which means it´s with you!!
I am planning to come home, to Estonia soon, in a month! And then Im so gonna hug you like crazy coz the next time will be in December. It seems like a long time right now, but lets live one day at a time, ok? :)
Mmm, I am having a bit hard times now. If you remember then you know that this coming Saturday is the 4th of June. The day when something was suppose to happen but its not gonna. So keep me in your heart, in your home, in your prayers. And know that I am giving everything to Daddy. May He do what He wants to do, with me and also with YOU!