Word and prayer

I am not good with reading Bible and I admit it. Im not good with certain times of prayer and I admit it.
But lately I discovered something that really helps me read my book of life... I placed it on my kitchen table a week ago and every morning and dinner or whenever Im there I read at least a passage or a scripture and it has started to nourish me. Maybe not yet in a crazy deep level but to the point where Im like, hey, its good. And its food. Food for my heart and soul and flesh and spirit. I found this scripture this morning where it said that if I hope in my Lord and give my ways to Him then He will make all things good... You know what, IF thats not encouraging then I dont know what is. If I trust in HIM then He will work things out for me. I mean if I think about the fact that Bible is a love letter from God to His people where He just wants His kids back... A love letter! That means that he actually means everything He says through Bible. A love letter to me. To You.
And prayer... Yes. Maybe I dont pray at a certain time every single day but I talk to Him. I talk to my healer. To my savior. To my Father. I share my struggles even though sometimes it takes an eternity for me to open my mouth and actually say anything. But every time I do open my mouth I know He hears me. He sees my pain. He sees my joy. My thankfulness and my agony as well.
I dont know everything about God. I know only very little. I wish Id know Him in a way where its so intimate that NOTHING shakes me anymore. No news about abandonment or tragedies or a bad word. That nothing can take me away from the Love of my life. But not there yet. :)
Anyway. Im done now. Said what I had in my heart and head and even in my fingers. And gonna log out now. But take these words with you as you close your computer and go about your everyday duties:
You are HIS BELOVED. His loved One!
K

I want my chicken and I want it now!

"I cant do it" "I dont have time" "I am not enough" "I am afraid to try it because I might fail" and so on and so on... Its like a constant battle in my life lately. I visited a friend yesterday whom Ive known way over 20 years now, she is the girl I could go through fire with because she is just someone who one can trust. My first childhood friend and heck, I know we have a long future ahead as well... But anyway, that was not where I wanted to go to with my story. I shared some of my struggles with her and realized that I use those expressions way too much. I am afraid which means I live if fear which means in many areas in my life there is no freedom.
My favorite songs through some years now has been Faithful Father and Freedom. Both songs share some wisdom by which we could live by if we choose to. In Him we can fully trust who knows our future, the One who brings Freedom and wants us to live in Freedom. Which means NO fear, NO worrying, NO judgement and failure... Because when we do fail and feel like we are not enough then there is freedom, you know! Freedom to choose to be who we are.

BUT we use our little sentences like "I cant do it" and "I will fail if I try". Well, maybe the thing is that you actually CANT do it because on your own you dont even have to do it. I mean, I look at my life right now and I see so much potential and I see so much I could do but use those excuses all the time. Like they belong into my heart and there are days I see the truth behind and then there are days I want to run and not do anything because I CANT. Or I hide behind the typical - I dont have time - sentence. Well, we all have 24x7 right?!! Oh boy, I sometimes come home from work and I am tired as a dog. Ok, probably most dogs are not as tired as I am then but anyway... Lets just say Id rather spend all my evening watching TV (that I dont have) then go to church and spent time with people. BUT I choose people because I love people and I love investing myself into their lives. I might not see myself as good and as worthy as I am in the eyes of my Lord but I still can choose to trust that He knows what He is doing through me. Right?

And sometimes we want things to happen fast. Like you know when you were little and got to use computer for the first time (you get it when ure my age or older) and the computer took 10-15 minutes to start up, haha... And you waited patiently because you didnt know computers will start up within seconds in future. You waited. Patiently. And now, if a computer is too full of crap or something, it doesnt start up that fast and you panic because you want it NOW! REALLY? Get a grip. I mean it. We are so used to get everything RIGHT NOW or else we dont want it at all.
Let me give you an example of my own behavior the other day in the store... Oh boy did I get angry or what. So me and my friend we were standing in line to get some chicken (yum) and suddenly they just totally missed our number and called the number after us. What the heck. I mean I was like, HEY its our turn. We want our chicken NOW because it was our turn. And then the lady behind the counter was like, but I cant just take you in between and I walked away angry and then she called us back, that she will give us our chicken and I was already like, I DONT WANT YOUR CHICKEN. And so we walked away and stood somewhere with my friend and we were hungry and so we went back, got a new number and got our chicken (me=humbled and ashamed of my behavior).
But you know what. IT DOESNT have to be like that. I mean why do we so badly want to snap our fingers and expect God to answer our every single prayer within seconds. Maybe His plan is totally different to ours. Maybe He is like, I want THIS THING for you in a different time. Maybe He knows better! Have you thought about that? Maybe He actually knows better then you do. And maybe years later when you get your prayer answer you see that He knew. He never forgot, He just knew better...

Our lives are full of things we could do, should do, would do. Sometimes its our own excuses and lies in our hearts that stop us. Sometimes its not the time yet. And some things are just not meant for us. Make lists if you need to. Start somewhere. I am so writing this post to myself but also to you, my dear beautiful talented wonderful perfect darling great precious friend! I have so many lies in my heart trying to press me down every single day, hour, minute. I am not gonna give up. Even if I want to. So often. Listen to God and friends who want the best for you.
And wait for you chicken, ok? :)

Little things.

You know what, we all go through some different things. Every. Single. Day. We all fight with thoughts. With emotions. Some hide it better. Some worse (me). We ALL struggle. We all have little addictions.
So Im wondering, why DO we all try so desperately hide behind the masks then. When actually we are all in the same boat. We need each other. We need to know we are loved by one another. We need encouragement daily. From friends. From God. From friends through God.
I have had one heck of a hard week. My last post was about Martin, and I still dont know the full story plus I havent been able to go and see him /I would not be let in anyway so... But I mean my week started off with the worst news possible. Then in the middle of the week I started to struggle with my health (Not to mention the bad dreams I saw all week long) and the weekend off has been bad. Yesterday I had a full day on migraine and today I woke up with nausea. Bad stuff right?
Then why do I try to show everyone how strong I am then? I am not strong. I am heartbroken for some stuff and I am in pain. Nope. NOT strong.
BUT heck no Im gonna be brought down. I have a good family in blood and in Christ. I have Christ. I am loved loved loved loved loved. And you better start to feed that knowledge into your own heart as well. That no matter what we go through, no matter what we DO, we are loved. We can always, every single time, go back to Christ and know that through His blood we are forgiven. That through Him we are not forsaken and abandoned. We are NOT alone.

So, yes, its been a hard week. But I keep on seeing through the little things how He loves me. Little-big things. Like a new tea my friends brought me last night (some might say that it was my friends, not God, but hey, werent we all created by God to love and give...) while I had dreamed of a different kind of tea all day long... ;) Little things.

Why I ask...

...you to pray for my friend Martin!
On a Sunday night after a full day of good things, church, Steffanies etc I turn on my computer and first thing I see is a message on fb saying that Martin Traksmann is in a critical condition in Viljandi hospital. LIKE WHAT? WHY? WHEN? What the heck happened... So he was in a motorbike accident while driving back to Pärnu. I dont know the whole-full story but it was not his bad. And even if it would have been, what difference would it make in a bigger plan. Anyway Martin is a good friend of mine. I met him first a few years back and then again this summer when he just walked in to Youth Reality one Friday night. And he has been in our church quite a lot after that. We have been hanging out and I really like the dude´s heart and passion for God. He is sincere and he is a friend! SO I really really urge you to pray for him. He has several broken bones and some internal injuries, he is in the artificial coma; no spine damage and no signs of brain damage, so THANK God for that... BUT he better come out of it!!!!! Pray, thank God for him, pray as he is healed already. Dont think twice if you have time or not. JUST pray!!!!!