Day 136: 24? Really?

Sometimes I wonder at myself. Am I really 24?? :D

Day 135: Bonfire

We had a wonderful gathering last night. Of course first there was a team-meal with chikkkken and later movie. Kung-Fu-Panda rocked! Seriously I laughed so hard and after the movie did a little kung-fu dance for everybody to laugh. I´m so cool I can´t even believe it, right?! :D

Anyway but then, tatatatataa, we had a bonfire and it was just amazing. So much laughter and joy and smiles and FUN!!! I baked cherrychocolate-oat-cookies and bought some chocolate. And we had marshmallows. So if you put these 3 together you get SMORES! Yayaya! The best things in the whole wide world. I ate until I felt sick. I waited for this night for a week and just ate less at dinnertime for that... Clever huh? NOT! :D Hot marsmallow melts the chocolate between cookies and the result is just crazy!

So thats all. The end! :)

Day 132: Its time for a POST!

I mean it. Wow, that was a long break from blog (ok I actually came to check blog for a few times, hahahahaa) and FB! I needed it. I tell you something changed in me when I fasted from these 2 pages. And had to change coz I was desperate for a change. Well... I mean being away from home, Estonia can sometimes be so very challenging and then you try to do all kinds of tricks to stay in contact and FB can become a little addictive. And I had my reasons to stay away for a week. I was already seeing that in me. I dont wanna discuss any of this in here coz its past and past stays there right? :) And I am doing so much better now then I could have dreamed...

And people dear people, please realize, we live in this world where everything is done by machines, internet rules the world. And imagine if FB would dissapear one day, would you be able to survive? Can you still hold your close ones close to you? I want to be in that point in my life when I dont rely on friendships based on Fb or blog or skype or msn. And I dont want to rely on the likes and messages of that world. I want to have the favor and blessing of my Father and I know that friends stay no matter what. I mean I actually used my time smart while being away. And I saw that it worked... I know Im talking about so many things in a same time but I cant help it. ;)

Oh and that secret of mine is getting better and better. I tell you, in 2-3 months you will all know and... maybe you will be happy, maybe not. Intriguing right? Oh ps! There is no baby news or wedding news or guy news related to that so dont get your imagination pictures too vivid ok? And Bala. Well I tell you what? Come and visit me. You will see yourself why I love this place! I do have some troubled days when Im overly tired or my stomach just dislikes what it has been given or when I totally dont like the work... But I still still still want to be here. I love my family and my home and my friends. And I do love the job as well. Its just very physical. Like yesterday I was on my feet for about 9-10 hours and I slept like a baby at night (though babies dont actually sleep so I dont know whats with that saying, its kinda stupid...). Cleaning, cooking, laughing, messing up, doing good, baking, hoovering, crying, walking, running, keeping secrets. Thats my life here. I love it and sometimes dont. But after 4,5 months Im still here and havent ran away. So what keeps me here? :my heart! I mean, I have peace in my heart. :)

Oh and my days off... It is better now. We have had some nice sunny days and last Friday Paul took me out to eat and we went to the beach and just took nice photos, a long walk. I really like that I have a dad here. He is awesome. :)

And I feel like I am actually starting to belong here. I have my UK number, bank account and yesterday got my National Insurance Number... So it has all started to come together. Awesome huh? Ok, I really want to live in Estonia one day but this is not the day! If you know what I mean. I still dream of many things concering to my beloved country but my time is here, right now, in this place...

I miss many of you who read this now. Know that you are so special and I love you! :)

Day 119: A teaser

I saw an engagement picture of my sis V and her fiancé Chris and just got tears in my eyes. They had a new photoshoot due to the change of a photographer. And the 2 teaser-pictures she got are just AMAZING!! She is so beautiful. She is like a flower opened up. I love her. And I think I will learn to love him as well, I mean he is still taking my baby-sister away... :)

Anyway. I am not a chicken anymore. I went running and it was a success! No boys around. Me=no chicken! :)
And I wish I could tell you my very own little secret but I cant.
Love, kirsi!

Day 118: Bob Marley

Like you dont know who Im talking about... "coz every little thing is gonna be alright!"
I mean something is really really happening in my heart and I just can´t describe it. I am more happy then ever before. And I am using my time like Im really loving it. And the truth to be told, I AM LOVING IT! :) I have no idea what future holds for me. I mean Im here at least until December 2011 but after that?!? And I simply do not worry about it. Coz why to bother? If I dont know then I dont know right? I do have some ideas and thoughts but not complete ones. I´ll let you know when I know!
Mh we have actually had some rain-free days here since Im back. Can´t believe. Maybe I brought some sun back with me. Lovely it is anyway! :) Have had quite a few walks. Ok yesterday was weird. Dont know what got into me. I mean, went running, saw some guys fishing or I dont know doing what, on the same road I usually go to and got scared. Didn´t run, turned around and walked back home. Kinda silly for a 24 year old huh? :D Ok, I am facing a bit of challenges with some people in Bala who seems to think they know me. Why is it with small places that there are always these small gangs that seem to rule the place? Every lil town has at least 1 or 2. I tell you Bala is not an exeption. Oh and I mean they are just kids but problem-makers. Not fun. I really do not like this. I love Bala in every other way. But this is just not OK!
Ps! V´s wedding is coming closer and closer. I´ll go to Canada in less then 3 months. This is just so exciting! Now all I need is white shoes. Oh why can´t someone just bless me with those? :D I mean Im sure I can´t buy white shoes in Bala or can I?
Alright. Have a nice day. Im out of inspiration. ;)

Day 115: New Start

Well. Since I dont know how I should count my days on this blog, should I do minus 10 days in Estonia or not, then I just continue the way I feel like doing. :)
I am back ack ck k. I am really back. These 10 days were just flying dragons in my heart. Went so fast and were wonderful. Like I said I didnt meet everyone I wanted, but it was good enough. Next time ok? :) Next time just come and meet ME! I was on the road way too much already. Türi-Saaremaa-Türi-Tartu-Türi! Oh and those cakes my mum made... and the potatosalad. I already miss all of that, but glad I didnt stay longer, I´d be rolling now! :D And my girls were wonderful. ALL of you are. You made my stay so special and I felt LOVE everywhere. Thank you!
And this one is for Viv and Liina - you´re both so beautiful, thanks for letting me take photos of you!!! :)
And this one goes out for my team - wow, you are just amazing worshipers! Thank you for coming from all over Estonia and Finland and doing that again. I sure enjoyed being on stage with the bunch of you! You rock! And I love you from all my heart!
But now Im back. Back to the work. Ok I haven´t really started with that yet but I will in a couple of hours, had a day of rest yesterday and team-dinner! So back to the reality at 12:30pm! I am also loaded with new ideas what to do with all my free time here. And I´ve got loads. I mean I do physical work and it doesnt require any homework. So Ive got tons of time after 3:30 pm usually. And now I know what to do. But can´t tell you. Maybe there will be a day where I will so be patient! ;) The first 3 months I was reading books (a lot), taking long walks and watching movies. Now I have something else in mind! ;)
But its sure good to be back. A bit weird but good. I miss a whole bunch of people again but I do have a family here and that helps a lot. We have a few changes going on here but its fine. And a FHS is coming up in the end of July, so some preparations and stuff... Anyway welcome back Kirsi! :)

...

so you want to be a writer? by Charles Bukowski

if it doesn't come bursting out of you in spite of everything, don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your heart and your mind and your mouth and your gut, don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours staring at your computer screen or hunched over your typewriter searching for words, don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or fame, don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want women in your bed, don't do it.
if you have to sit there and rewrite it again and again, don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it, don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody else, forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of you, then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you, do something else.
if you first have to read it to your wife or your girlfriend or your boyfriend or your parents or to anybody at all, you're not ready.
don't be like so many writers, don't be like so many thousands of people who call themselves writers, don't be dull and boring and pretentious, don't be consumed with self-love.
the libraries of the world have yawned themselves to sleep over your kind.
don't add to that. don't do it.
unless it comes out of your soul like a rocket, unless being still would drive you to madness or suicide or murder, don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is burning your gut, don't do it.
when it is truly time, and if you have been chosen, it will do it by itself and it will keep on doing it until you die or it dies in you.
there is no other way.
and there never was.

The last...

...day in Estonia is ahead of me. And I am about to start crying. This 10 days here have been absolutely amazing. So much joy, laughter, tears, hope, love, friends ((friends, that I actually wanted to see)), sun, beach, worship, God. So much care and love that I can go on now for a while. Not that I dont get that in Bala, but home is different. My time here has been so encouraging and different from all the times before. I really feel in love with Estonia again. Im still in Tartu right now, going back home soon. My mum and dad tried to convince me all day yesterday to go back already but being back in Tartu... uh. Tartu and my best friends mean so much to me. Hard to describe all the feelings. I also had to give up something important yesterday which made my trip to Tartu real hard. But after I did it... a sort of relief came.
And Saaremaa, time there was just so good. Though we had some hardships on our way there and back, it was still the bestestest time! Got to know a few people so much better and spend time with my childhood friend whom Ive known the longest. Liisi is so sweet and loving and she is just so beautiful. She deserves the best husband!!!! :) And the worship. I AM SO THANKFUL for my team. For God´s team of course but mine in a way as well. They gave up a lot to be there. They are wonderful!!! So yes.
And tomorrow my plane leaves the grounds of my sweet E again! Can´t believe the time was just a fly again. Way too fast I have to go back. I dont want to somehow. I need 1 more week here and then Im ready... But its not now for me to be here yet. I know I will come back. My heart is telling me this. I dont know why I need to come back and when, but I will!! There is this deep desire in my to see things changing. In Estonia and with Christians. Permanent changes, not just "oh lets have a conference then 2 weeks things are diff and then back to normal" changes. No. Permanent changes!!!!! So I know Ill be back! At one point.
What else is there to say! I think I have given my best to say all thats needed. Really, I have never enjoyed my Eesti as much as this time. I didnt see everyone I wanted but there is another time and place. Now I´ll go back, next trip is to Canada in October for 3 weeks and then back to Estonia for Christmas. I hope to take a short trip here in September but lets see. :)
Cherry really is in love now! With her own country!!!