You love who you love... who you love.

Deeper

I can choose to be happy?
For some reason its hard for me to agree with that statement. I mean yes, in some ways I can choose happiness over sadness. But what if its a deep sadness? What if its something that is just so deep that being happy is out of the question? And its not that there is no happiness and good moments and laughter and joy but what if there is this sadness that doesnt leave with a finger-snap. Its not like one can snap her fingers and the sadness is gone.
And anyway I believe that I cant choose happiness, I believe that God can bring us a deep satisfaction in Him and He can lead us to happiness. But its not something I can choose. Coz when I choose it myself, it comes for 5 minutes and then someone says something and my own chosen happiness is gone immediately. Like a cupcake.

So. Maybe the statements like, "its gonna be a good day coz I choose it to be" or "I will choose to be happy" are not so true at all. They will bring us a momentary happiness, but what about the deep joy? What about the God-given joy. So maybe I can choose to believe in my Fathers love and knowledge that He will bring me through and through. And bring me back my happiness and joy.
Coz the inner joy and peace. That is what I grave for. Not for the momentary things. Not for the 5-minute chosen happy-face. Nope.

And I am sorry if I have said something that you find absolutely the other way around. Maybe you can choose to be happy and for that I am thankful. But for me it works differently. And my God is a mysterious God, Im pretty sure I will make it through and get my deep joy that Im longing and yearning for. Knowledge that I am loved and loved and loved. Knowledge that I am enough in Him. Knowledge that I am not too much. Deeper peace. Deeper joy.

Struggle

When Im struggling or going through something really heartbreaking I notice myself going in a mode where I cant communicate with anyone. I shut myself down and stop talking to my friends and family. I am not doing it on purpose but for some reason I do it. Letters and calls are unanswered and Im unhappy, not to even mention my friends who are confused.
Its a mode where Im trying to protect myself. Maybe some of you have experienced that. And its also a mode where I cant even think of anything else. And then I start to overthink and overanalyze and overeverything.
And I have been thinking of asking forgiveness for all the things Im not doing right now to keep all my friends pleased and happy but I cant.

I am not down in a way where I cant function.
Because Im still going to work.
I am looking for work and a place in Pärnu.
I am eating and kind of sleeping.
And I want to trust God in everything. In bad times, in good times. So many psalms say that even when everything is falling down we should still Praise Him.
But how, oh how? :) I mean how do I lift my soul up to Him when I push everyone away including God. Coz see, thats my point. While pushing everyone away Im also pushing my Father away. My way of self-protection. And what an awful way.

I have a Bible sitting next to me on a table right now. I have been reading a few psalms lately. David was a man who went through shit and still he knew where his strength comes from. Where his joy comes from. And peace. I am no David but Im also my Father´s beloved and I believe there is a bigger picture behind all our struggles. Behind my heartbreaks and hurts and jup, I freaking mess up myself all the time. But I am His Beloved. And so are You! His beloved one. The one whom He loves and want to hold and comfort (and heck Im also preaching to myself here so dont feel awkward)... I want to give so much, but I need to be filled first. Oh and no, I dont want to go anywhere in a past coz there I was "happy and joyful", haha, no, I want a new joy and new peace! No past will determine my future. My Father determines my future.

So nope, it was no peptalk. Its just something Im going through now. Finding myself again under some piles of dirt and mud. Jup.