1 week

So just wanted to share a little overview of my trip so far... Its been absolutely the BEST week in so many levels... I have been able to share, love, laugh and cry with my sister. I love her so much its crazy and this time here has been so good.
On my first evening here we were together with Chris's family. Just celebrating Christmas, eating turkey, unwrapping presents (i think I might have a problem when I go back to Estonia with fitting all my stuff into 2 suitcases)... Anyway it was just a good cozy evening and we went to bed already 8pm coz everyone were exhausted. I mean i had been traveling for more then 20 hours and I was ready to go to bed. So ready. I think I actually got over yet-lag within 2 first days which is great.
So on my second day here we went shopping 8am coz it was a boxing day which means sales everywhere... We were walking around the stores like 5 hours. Hahah, that was crazy I must say. So many people. I didnt get tons of stuff but what I got was worth it and it was also V's Christmas present for me! After shopping went back to the house where all kinds of relatives gathered to share food and hang out. And then it was time to drive to Guelph where V-Chris live... So it was such a joy to finally come here and rest (oh and we actually visited their friends just before we came home). Which we kind of did and kind of didnt (the rest I mean), coz the place needed to be tided up after Christmas and so we did that the whole day. I think on Friday we walked around stores again and visited V+C good friends and I must say their little boy was such a little sweetheart (me and little boys).
I have no memory of Saturday. Really, I just cant remember right now...
But what happened yesterday, on Sunday I do remember. We went to Toronto to Annely's church. She is an Estonian married to a Canadian just like my V is. I was invited to lead half of the worship there which I did but through rocks and stones coz for the first time ever I had to change the guitar strings, whuuu, crazy. But I did it and Im still so proud of myself, really... :) I always said that oh I have others who can do that, but heck, I managed... I did 3 songs and it was hard for me since it was me both playing and singing but I trust God that He knows why I was needed there. :)
So after church we went out with Annely and John and Aria (sweeeet baby) and then drove back to Guelph. Me and V had a wonderful evening together. The best evening Ive ever had with her, seriously. We went to see The Hobbit (I hoped for more maybe but loved what I saw on the screen) and after that went to Tim Hortons and had a heart-to-heart conversation. I have missed that so much. And man I love that girl... Really. :) Proud of her walk and journey. She is such an incredible woman.
Anyway its the last day of 2012 and Just wanted to send you a BIG HUG and dont worry, Ill be back in 2 weeks... :) HAVE a wonderful end to this year and even better start to next!!!!! :)

Canada

Canada it is. I love it here. To spend time with my sister and her husband... I just dont feel like writing long right now, so just letting you know Im all good and enjoying my time with them. :) Hugs, K!

Tsau Eesti! Näeme siis kolme nädala pärast. Kallikalli! :)

one life live it!

We all have 1 life. Non of us have 2 or 3 lives no matter how hard you may want to convince me... And we all have choices and opportunities. There are people who will say YES to new things, who will jump in and live their lives to the fullest. Maybe not the happiest at times but they will receive so much and they will see the world. And then there are people who are afraid to step out from the boat. They have their job that keeps them content, maybe an apartment that they like and own. Maybe they have everything they need but not what makes them happy. They have their money which gives them the needed everyday supplies and well, they are content.
And then there are the ones who sell their most precious values and travel to the end of the world for 3 months just to soak in Fathers love, just to take a breath of fresh air. Wow.
I think I belong somewhere in the middle. I will never be someone who will settle at something and not let new things in. Even now, at the age of 25 I have no idea what next season will bring. Yes, I have a job right now but I do not want to get comfortable. I don't want to be like so many people who will do the same job for 10-20 years just because they know what they are doing there, just because its safe. Yes, I cant wait to get married and have kids and my own place that I can take care of and make cozy but I know when God says go, I will go. Sometimes my brain says, what the heck are you doing, why all these new challenges and why all these new things. Well, its coz my Father in Heaven knows me. He knows I love adventures even if Im afraid. Even when Im so afraid Im about to pee my pants every time I take up a new challenge.
 For the last 6 years He has guided me step by step. Step by step. All the time He goes first and Im the one who goes with Him. Driving licence, Bible School, Music School, Wales-Bala, work in a kindergarten... All these have NOT been my plans but His.
When I look back at my last year 2012 I just want to cry out loud. Because its been so hard for me. And yet I have been safe in His hands. I had to come back from Wales and I was thrown into unknown. And He caught me and Im safe. I have been living with my parents and Ester for the last 8 months and its been one crazy road. But with Him. Better crazy with Him than crazy without Him... I really really want to thank YOU, my friend for supporting me. For being there for me even when I havent been there for you. We are all human-beings. We all make mistakes and fall.
But today Im thankful. That I have a job, a family, friends who love me.
Im thankful I can make music. And I know that I know that I know there will be a day my CD is out with my own songs. Coz my God is greater than any obstacle. New projects are waiting, new blessings.
And you know what, Im me. You are you. Your life is something so precious. So at that point we are the same. You and Me - we are the same. Coz we are both precious and His beloved ones.
Be so blessed on your road. Be blessed and safe with Him. But not too safe to go after your dreams and heart-desires. Be Bold and Courageous. And know that He is with YOU!

Not about this but about that.

Just something little my dad told me today...
But it got me thinking.
He said he has over 200 birthday greetings on FB and then he said with a very sad voice that its too bad no one sends real cards anymore. And that there are really no real wishes... Just these random "Happy Birthdays". I think that its just sad. Its so sad people are too lazy to send cards. Real cards with an envelope and a touch of a person who sent it.
And not only birthdays.
Christmas-time is the same. I actually sent about 10 cards out the other day and it made me so happy. To know that my card brings someone joy. Something real, something tangible, something to hold in your hands and know that there is someone who thinks about you. Thats how it was years ago and now its just a random Happy Birthday on a FB wall?????!!!?
Lets bring the real back. PLEASE!
Oh and maybe you didnt get it. Coz this post is actually not about the cards. But about the meaning and an actual contact with people you care about. Yep. Thats what this post is really about!

Ever since I started working with kids Im like one big softy. Tears in my eyes I hear stories of kids with disabilities or grownups who have problems. Tears in my eyes I write new songs or comfort a friend. Tears in my eyes I receive hugs from my mum (or dad) and tears in my eyes I looked at the pictures of these precious children who died in Connecticut.
Maybe just maybe God is changing my heart. I was always the strong one. Yes, with a lot of emotions in different levels but not the one who cried in the end of a movie or a book (which btw I do now)... Sometimes I feel my heart is just one big mess and confusion but at the same time I know God must enjoy working there coz even when I share my story with people I cry. I cry almost to everything. And maybe its not a bad thing at all... Just maybe Im in a process right now and it does me good. It was one hard weekend but at the same time so good.
"Guard your heart above all else..." The Bible tells us to guard our hearts but what do we do? We put in all kinds of lies and junk there. We fill it with sorrow and revenge and we think that's the way it should be. I want my heart to be soft if thats the only way God can use me. Seriously. Im not talking some crap here. I want to be a softy if thats what takes me closer to God. And let Him work through me - inside-out.
Id rather be someone who cries in front of God than someone who holds back her tears through gritted teeth. Id rather be close to God than far away doing my own thing. I want to be someone who is not ashamed of dancing of joy and shouting out loud... I want to be the real me.

I cried with you

Every single time I write a new song and share it with you guys its as if Im sharing myself naked. Its as if a part of me is opened up for everyone to see and comment.
This song is no different. Its the hardest one Ive ever written. Its the only one Ive written with tears in my eyes. Its the most precious one and yet the most beautiful one.
Listen to the lyrics, embrace it and be comforted by it!

http://youtu.be/CQ3dCGPSHuE

I CRIED WITH YOU

I see children die,
No, it wasnt God´s plan
I hear parents cry:
Why it happened to our child?

I see broken hearts,
Questions rising everywhere.
What happened to our world?
What happens to us now?
Tell me where were You?
Where were You?

I tell you I was there,
I saw your pain.
I tell you I was there,
I cried with you.
I tell you I was there,
My heart broke with yours.

But I promise you one thing:
They are safe with Me now.
They are safe with Me.
15.12.12

Tears in my eyes as I read about the shooting in Connecticut. My heart goes out to the families and friends of these beautiful precious kids. :( 

Please hug your kids, sisters, brothers, parents, friends, loved ones today, tell them how special they are and just share love! Lit a candle and think how lucky you are to have a family!

"Do YOU not trust me, my Child? I have the BEST plans for you and YOU will see what I can do!"

The heart

What if your heart tells you one thing but your mind says something totally different? What if you know that your heart is right and your mind just wants to be "rational"? What if your heart tells you to go for it and your mind says: "Stop! Everybody will judge you and there will be people who will point their fingers at you and whisper behind your back!"... What if?
My what if´s are no better than yours. They are all just trying to stop me from doing the things I love. These "what if´s" just whisper lies into my mind constantly and heck, if I listen to them then for sure Im not going after my dreams...
Im someone who lives outwardly. I keep very little to myself. My "dark" secrets maybe. Not a lot of those but everyone has their past. Right? Im open to new people and Im social. I love life and I love people. And for that Im judged. And so what? I love music and for that Im judged. So what? I do different things and for that Im judged. So what? I mean if Id look at only that I would never be able to do the things I love. Im not the type of person who can sit behind a desk from 8am to 5pm and be happy with my life. Im a traveler, a lover, a woman, a girl, a princess, a singer, a musician-worshiper, Im crazy and sometimes I cry big time, I laugh a lot and when I SING I smile a lot coz I love music, I work with kids right now and I have been to so many countries and lived in so many different places Ive stopped counting. Im ME!
So often I discover myself judging others. By their appearance, by their ability to do something, by their job, by their hair-color. We do that. We cant see past these things and into their hearts. But there´s someone who can. And who never judges. My Father. And He is teaching me patience. And love.
But I mean if I cant love myself how can I love others? How can I listen to my heart when all I do, is look what others see in me and how others see me? Thats why its sooo freaking important to start loving yourself with your goods and flaws. So that in the end you would not listen to other´s telling you things, but you own heart because you believe in God and in yourself.
So I wanna be someone who follows my dreams. My life. With my Father! I dont want to be a shadow of someone else and their words. :)

"Yes"

Sometimes I have no idea what Im getting myself into when I say "yes" to something or to someone. Yesterday was one of those moments. A friend called, invited me to sing in Tallinn, I said "yes" and a few hours later realized I have even no idea where Im going, what event this is and how long Im suppose to sing, lead worship etc etc. I said yes in faith but the reality hit me later. So today while checking my FB I saw what event this is. ITS BIG one. Not a small gathering, but a big Christian-gathering of Russian people and I speak 1% Russian. I cant even pronounce right the things I know. OH HELP! Its gonna be live on Russian TV and I said YES??? Seriously, girl, what are you thinking? But the thing is I know I have a good Father and my mum just looked me in the eye a few minutes ago and said that instead of me thinking that Im going there with Father I should think that Father is going there with me. How much better that is? :)
Anyway Im taking Mirabela and my dad and God is taking us all! And a few hours later we have a worship-time in Oleviste Youth-meeting. So quite an upbeat day! I have NO idea what to look forward to but I know my Father does... :)

Christmas

So its December yet again. In 3 weeks from today Ill be in Canada; let the countdown begin. The knowledge I get to spend Christmas with her and her hubby after SUCH a long time makes me smile. Smile big. She is, they are are part of my family. A big part of my heart and I love them more than my Christmas-calendar f.e. :) But seriously... I cant even remember the last time we were together on a Christmas-day. So this year is gonna be special. Very special.
Ive opened 4 windows on my Christmas-calendar. And today was the first time I got candy that I like. Happy me... Anyway its gorgeous outside and not so cold. I have a seminar today about autism and Im actually looking forward to hearing about that disability. Im working with a kid who has needs and every piece of information helps. Even though I know in my heart that the biggest help is my Dad in Heaven. I can carry the message of LOVE with me every day through my smiles, hugs, touch. Even though sometimes (ok who am I kidding, most of the times) its hard as rock. But the thing is no matter how bad the behavior Father still loves them, Father still wants to embrace each and every person. Including me.
Im actually having another weird week. I have no job, H is sick so Im just doing my thing. Excited about Friday, first time going to lead worship in Tallinn, never done that before so thats something new and something that makes me happy. I can carry the message of love and the heart of worship. :) And Ill have the most interesting team with me this time so...
AAh and what a surprise we had on Sunday when we came back from Võru. MARIA was here with Benjamin... They are so much fun to have around. And it was a pleasure and joy to meet him. What a wonderful man for her. Im happy! :)
Labi, snow snow snow snow!

Time in Võru

I just have to write it down coz its so fresh right now. The memory is carved into my heart but as for now its fresh and new. So this weekend we had a Fathers Heart Conference in Võru and it was absolutely one of the best conferences I've ever been to. Not so much sleep-wise but spiritually, emotionally it was just so good. So much attack before the conference; to so many people who were responsible; speakers, worshipers but the more attack the more God wants to do! And He spoke so clear through Tommy this weekend it just cut through my heart. A word was spoken and it was spoken straight to people. Straight to me. So Im just thankful... I know Im called to worship, but somehow that knowledge is so much stronger now. So much deeper and no matter how hard it is or how stressed I feel or sick... My heart desires to worship and bring Him praise!
The Rose of Sharon! :)

And may the crazy.ness begin. This weekend its Võru-time. Fathers Heart Conference; Im really excited to meet my family again from all over Europe, but at the same time Im not feeling the best, but heck, feelings should not make any difference...
So next weekend its Tallinn (Oleviste Youth Group invited me to lead worship) and Paide (worship somewhere in a small church) and the weekend after that its Jõgeva youth group.
And then its 1 more week before my departure to Canada. I just cant believe Ill see my sister again after a year and 2 months... And Ill see her as a married woman. This is gonna be interesting and for that Im happy! Ill get 2 Christmases this year. Like I got 2 spring-times when I moved back from Wales! :)
Carry me in your prayers if you want to, not coz I say so! Hugs and have a wonderful-snowy wintertime!
Kirsi

Challenge

So I just wanted to share a bit about challenges. Just because there was something in my life I always wanted to own. I wanted to have a long maxi-skirt and I just could not afford one. I mean they are so expensive and honestly, I didnt even know where to look coz Im not much of a shopper (I am more like a second-hand shopper but how big is the chance to find something like that from a 2ndhand?). So I was longing for a long skirt for some years already.
A few months ago I was just going through some random pages and something caught my eye. A tutorial for a short skirt. I opened it and I made myself translate the lesson into Estonian. And a few hours later I had made my first skirt ever. Now call it a beginners luck or whatever but for me it was a challenge. I mean I knew I could NOT do smth like this. Its almost always the same, before I start something I have to go through this stage of denial and the stage of "I cant do this" and probably quite a few more stages. Anyway there I was, wearing my first skirt which didnt turn out bad AT all.
So some weeks passed and I was asking myself a question. "Can I make a long skirt? Will I be able to do that?". So I just marched into our local tiny 2nd hand where they also sell fabric. And I found this beautiful purplish color fabric and I knew this is mine. So I bought it came home and guess what? A few hours later I was wearing my maxi-skirt. And guess what? I know I could make a hundred more just because I took on the challenge and I made it. I went for it and now I have my first maxi-skirt (and I must admit, Im very proud of it!). So there you go. :)

I definitely have the coolest parents. I mean they are good in many ways, but they still know that inside Im just a little girl who wants love. When they arrived from their last Fin-trip they brought back 2 Christmas-calendars, not just for Ester but also for me, and not just chocolate-but BIG candy-calendar. Im so blessed to have them. They care so much its over my mind. I can still cry on their shoulder and be comforted. And I can be the little girl with them that I never had the chance to be when I was young. I love love love them and no matter what mistakes have been made they are the BEST!

Sometimes its the heart that tells you to do something and you just keep pushing it forward and you try to reason with God. And there comes a moment you just have to do it or else you're disobedient to God.
I had something in my heart for a few weeks already. And I kept pushing it on and on and I knew I had to give something away that's dear to me. And today was the day I had the chance to meet her. So I gave what I had and I knew it was from God because the moment it was out of my hands I felt such joy for her and probably there´ll be people who will judge me but heck. I'm so happy for her! :)

So its Sunday and there is NO sun. But oh well, I guess its very Estonian! :) Ive got 2 girls running around the house screaming and laughing so hard it hurts my head. Sometimes I wish I was younger or at least a mum or something so I would understand! ;) Ill write a longer post some other day, right now Ill go and make something yummy!

Our Mum

Our A-mazing mum has a birthday today!!! So this one is for her - WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!

!!

And my sleepless in Türi-Alliku continues. Im still sleeping like a baby which means Im not sleeping well or very little... So much is happening around me its like my head is spinning and not stopping.
Yesterday Liisi & Daniel created my Facebook "fan"page and today it has over 200 likes and the song online over 2000. I mean its crazy for me! Im not someone who is "hey, look at me and look at what I CAN DO!". Im not used to attention in that level. And Im not used to criticism. Im not used to friends looking down on me and not sharing my happiness. And neither Im not used to being publicly seen to everyone. Haha well, yes I have had my Youtube page for a few years now and also my Blog. But this - this is different. Today one Estonian Radio is broadcasting an interview with me LIVE and the song after that. Many pages are sharing this song already and I feel like my part actually in it was so tiny. Liisi did most of the job and also Daniel. Im singing the song they produced. And so much attention is on me?
And God. I mean God is actually the One that Song talks about. Its about Hope, about Not Giving Up, about God in so many levels...
So everybody, please - lets stop for a moment. This page there is not just for me. Its for "Mida tunneb süda?", its for Liisi and Daniel, its for everyone who need hope and love.
And Im actually tired of apologizing for something I love. I love music. I love singing. So judges-stop judging and haters-start loving! :) Im not out there for fame (though a part of me loves being loved, and dont you dare to tell you dont love being loved), but Im there coz I have a passion for singing, for worship.

Sleepless in...

...Türi-Alliku. I haven't been able to sleep for the last 3-4 nights. Just so many thoughts: ideas, worries, dreams, hopes, hurts, pain, its like my whole head is going crazy with thoughts.
I just wanna get it down before my mind blows up and I scream at somebody... :) Anyway most of these have something to do with music, worship, singing, God, me. Like usually, but this time deeper than ever. Because for the first time really a part of me has been up for SO many people to see. I have been very honest about my life but sometimes I forget that there´s a deeper part of me that I NEVER-ever open up even to myself.
After the song "Mida tunneb süda?" was released, it went over my mind. In 3 days there have been over 1300 plays (http://soundcloud.com/cruxmedia/kirsika-mida-tunneb) and prob quite a few illegal downloads (haha) plus so many people have sent me letters, encouraging words, words to continue, to go deeper; many have questions why haven't I recorded my own music, whats stopping me. Well let me tell you this, I HAVE exactly the same thoughts, questions. Its not that I dont want to, its rather that the time has been wrong.
I have always been involved with music, as long as I remember. I wrote these crazy weird (sometimes stupid) beautiful sad songs when I was a kid. Usually in my head, so I didnt write them down or anything, and I wrote poems, my grandma always encouraged me to do that. Man, Im thankful. But I didnt go to children´s music school, couldnt afford it. Its ok. But as time passed by I realized I have no musical education and it sucked big time. I needed to sing, needed to get it out of myself, but... So I sang in the church, in worship, gospel-music etc. Listened to tons of Celine Dion (oh that voice still gives me goosebombs --> (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzaTyxMduH4) and other then that, mostly Christian music. So see, I had no idea what I can do with my voice.
Until some years ago I went to music school. A totally different world opened up. I sang gospel, but also jazz, pop, rock, bossanova, electric-acoustic, with a band, without a band; crazy amount of different stuff compared to what I was used to. And it changed something inside of me. It made me think what I really want to do. I realized I am a worshiper and worship is something deep, deeper than any other music I could ever do. But it also showed me that people can worship so differently. And my voice, well, its God´s gift anyway, right?

But right now, well, last night I said a prayer to God because my confusion is just big. This new song, its a different world and yet its worship. See, its also a way to worship God. Its a new way and its something I wanted to do. So I beg you NOT to judge me for choosing something so different this time. Yes, its not acoustic music, yes, its not deep worship. BUT its the language everyone understands. Its music. Music unites us no matter what style, no matter what song. It unites people. And this song is so deep. I wish you could go into it the way I want to... I still don't comprehend the fullness of it but I do understand GOD in it.

I know its gonna be a long blog post but please stay with me.
Pride. Fame. Yes, I'm a person. And YES, I love attention. I love when I'm noticed, when I'm seen. And don't judge me for that. I'm just like everyone else in that area. And for that I pray to God not to go prideful, not to get lost in the world of fame. EVER. I pray to God that I can stay in Him and with Him. Because it is always because of HIM I sing even when I don't feel like it... He gave me my voice and you know, we have all made with the need for love. We all need to feel loved and appreciated. And God can do that to the fullest.

I have so much more to say but maybe next time... Maybe there will be a day Ill understand my own thoughts, haha... :)

I translated the song Ive been bubbling about into English with a help of a friend whose first language is English. So here you go, to all my English-speaking friends who have no idea what the song´s about:

What feels the heart?

Is there any hope that things will change?
Is there any patience left to wait?
Its the heart that desires,
When there´s hunger for bread.

Tell me:
"What feels the heart when there are no answers?
What feels the heart when there are only questions?
You´re searching but you cant find.
You're saying that you don't believe.
But the smallest faith can move the mountains.“

There´s hope inside of me, I'm still waiting.
For the butterfly to turn into an eagle.
The night is still dark,
Yet morning is raising its head

Mida tunneb süda?

Väike copy-paste Liisi blogist (http://gospelmixblog.blogspot.com), kus ta tutvustab oma uut laulu "Mida tunneb süda?":

"Mul on tohutult hea meel kirjutada siin blogis esimest korda enda muusikast. Eile õhtul avalikustati uus laul, mille ma kirjutasin. Loo nimeks on "Mida tunneb süda?" ja seda esitab Kirsika, kes ise on nii laulja kui laulukirjutaja. Olen tohutult tänulik võimaluse eest teha koostööd Daniel Reinaruga Crux Mediast, tänu kellele see laul kõlab just sellisena nagu ta kõlab. Kokkuvõtvalt ütleksin, et "Mida tunneb süda?" on kaasaegne pop-ballaad, mis jutustab lootuse otsimisest. Head kuulamist!"

Laul: Kirsika Maamägi
Sõnad/viis: Liisi Väli
Miksinud ja produtseerinud: Daniel Reinaru
Mastering: Arto Ruotsala
Taustalaul: Liisi Väli, Roosi Väli, Tiina Seppel

Im so excited to announce that my first single is out SOON. Like today probably!!! :) Its absolutely wonderful how it all came together. I can share bits and pieces but not the whole story. So my childhood friend had an idea and a song came out of it. A beautiful, deep, emotional, meaningful song. And she asked if I want to be a part of the project and I said YES. So a few weeks ago I went to Tallinn to record it in Daniel Reinaru´s little but good home-studio. It was such a good experience and I gave my best. So the song is out soon and I cant wait for you to hear it! :) :) Liisi is so talented and the lyrics of the song will show you how something so little can be so big.
SOON!

I think Im weird like me. And probably you´re weird like you. And thats great. But I bet Im the weirdest. :) Im discovering that the most strange things make me happy.

Lets take birds for example. Im addicted to little beautiful colourful birds. So we even bought bird-food from the store and now little balls of fat are hanging on our balcony inviting birds to feast. Oh and they know so good I love them. I mean there are so many birds usually its like a cat-fight except its with birds. I never even realized lookin at them makes me happy. But it does.
And my room. I cant sleep when one sock is on the floor. Or when something is messy. And not to mention my closet. Always in order...
Oh and of course of course a cup of tea. Never without one. I mean I drink so much tea its driving others mad around me. Esp. my mum coz all the cups at home have some sort of stain inside already. :) Oh well... Plus the way I make coffee would make everyone laugh. ;)
I love my weird parts because weird is good. It is so not bad as many would think. Weird makes us unique. We are all different.
I cant even sleep without socks on. I have to fall asleep with socks coz otherwise I wont fall asleep at all. Strange? I dont think so! ;) So lets all accept our very own "strangeness" and lets embrace it!
Red-hair-bird-lover-cherry*

Say a little...

...prayer?
Really? We say we pray for each other. Someone says she is sick and we´ll be all like, hey I´ll pray for you when I get home. Or someone posts a status about his dog and asks a little prayer and we´ll write that the dog is in our prayers...
But is it really? Do we really go home and pray or while we read status about someone´s sickness do we really take the time to pray? I mean I almost never do. I just say it to make the person feel better. And actually now I don't even say things just because I know that I probably wont pray.
AND its not ok. Dont say things you don't intend to you. Maybe you mean it with good intentions but seriously, how often to you sit behind your computer praying? Why don't you instead pray for the person straight away who has a sick stomach or headache? Why don't I DO that?

And actually. Little prayers. We have the privilege to be in contact with God all the time and we almost never use it. I went to work yesterday and just before I stepped out of the room I was like, GOD I NEED YOU NOW. I mean I cant really do it alone anymore. Tired of trying and why the heck should I? I do need Him. I do I do I do. Admit it or don't but on your own I mean its just effortless trying.

I think instead of sleeping my head goes on thinking all night long or smth like that. :D Tonight I saw a dream. Me in a white dress getting married. Not telling the name of the person who was in that dream but I woke up stirred. Something in me realized I have stopped dreaming about marriage, about wedding, about my husband. It was like heck, what happened somewhere along the way? Its as if I wasnt allowing myself to dream anymore. Im thankful for that wake-up dream...
But ohohoh its time. to go to work. I didnt want to confront you early in the morning. Just myself. ;) Hugs. And have a BEAUTIFUL Day! :)

Sometimes you have no idea what you´re doing until you´re doing it. I mean I had no idea what I was doing when I let my mum open a tube of strawberry hair-color and put it all over my hair. And I had no idea what came out of it until I washed it all off and got this purple-red-cherry-color. So I have very interesting hair now. Im not sure I like it but oh well, sometimes we have to do stupid things! ;)
And last weekend I had no idea that so many things are about to happen and stop me from doing the things I love. I told God I don't want to do anything because I was actually feeling really sad and hurt but once I stepped out and let Him take over, well, it was still not easy, BUT easier and more safe!
So here I am ready to start a new week, still feeling hurt and sad BUT never alone!
:)

...

I love this comment on one of my posts about FB a few days ago... I found it today and I just need to share it even though I have no idea who wrote it. Here you go:

Just in order to sum up what you just portrayed - Facebook is a marketplace of (and for) human beings where we can market ourselves and judge over other people´s "value". This, of course is a very general viewpoint and there is a number of things that the network is good for (maintaining international contacts, sharing or marketing your music, art, literature etc). Yet, the aspect that should be taken into consideration when talking about it is that our constant need for being "social", "beautiful" and "as good as the next man (woman)", is the source of creating the feelings of hidden enquality among a lot of people (the friends in our friendlists) that are able to view the profiles and status updates. Most post updates about: their constant travels, fabolous relationships and family time, food, great number of friends etc...A lot of people can´t afford it (not just travels but food too), a lot of people are born into situations where they just simply do not have anything like that to present, a lot of us are generally more reserved and have difficulties with presenting themselves. Yet, they do see that the people that have the natural skills to do so and obviously, do so too, get more "likes" and people simply seem to like them more. So with all that being said, we ourselves are in control of creating the standard for beauty, the standard for intelligence, the standard for what being "open" really means. I´m not trying to forbid anybody to use Facebook, no...I just found your approach very actual at these times and via being a user myself (at some point, somewhat addicted...), I´ve witnessed way too much vanity and indiscretion on it. Sometimes, from people that in real life preach for the very opposite values...

Anonymous 

Mixed up emotions are like a slap in your face.
Because at one point you can be so high up with all the good stuff that goes on around you and the next moment you find yourself crying your eyes out because your little dog is about to die.
So much good is happening around me, a lot of music stuff for example. Some projects which are wonderful and Im so thankful to be a part of these, then quite a few concerts I have been invited to sing at... Music makes me happy and smile big time. My heart rejoices when I get to let my voice out.
But then you just get the slap so loud it hurts. Morri is blind now, he cant walk properly and this diabetes is just eating him alive so we have decided as a family one of the hardest things ever. Im not gonna say no more BUT it breaks my heart.
So its as if good and bad they just walk together without even intending to. And its good and its bad.

What day is it?

Im a bit lost. Is it really Tuesday and is it really the November 6th already? Is the last weekend over and how come its a new week? I just don't get it how come the ´secret Saturday´ and ´Sunday-Monday Rakvere´ & ´today's all day long´ lecture already happened??!!! Im just like sleeping through all of this without actually being part of any of it. Thats how I feel right now. It feels surreal, unreal. :) Maybe its just me and maybe Im actually tired now and in a need of a long sleep?? Nope. Dont think so. :)
Anyway, my weekend was so good. Saturday, well its kind of indescribable, I would like to say smth more about that day, but I cant. And Sunday´s meeting where I played guitar and sang, well, it was ok. Im definitely not too happy with it coz I love singing and I love playing BUT put those two together and its just hard for me. Anyway too complicated to explain...
But yesterday´s lectures that I gave about eating disorders... I had boys in the classroom, all through 3 lectures and it was a first for me. To talk to both girls and boys. And I realized its a serious issue. They need to hear it too, my story I mean. And well, it went so good. Everybody actually listened and paid attention and Im happy I went there...
So yes. My weekend.
But today is a different day, a brand new day. plapla its actually an evening already. :D And I just had my dinner which makes me tired though I still have tons to do. The start of this week has already been busy and it continues like that. Oh well, I have someone with me Who is way bigger and mightier and stronger than I, so I shall not worry! :)
Hugs, Kirsi

Fear

It paralyses us and it wants to defeat us. It captures us and it tells us lies. Lies so big that sometimes we forget that we are FREE in God. We were meant to be free from the moment Jesus died on that cross and took all our shame, all our pain, all our fear away.
I think back to these vital moments in my life and I see that once I get over the point of fear Im able to do ANYTHING. I got my driving licence, I graduated music school, I lived in Wales, I picked up a guitar. And I must say all these things got me into a place of despair at one point or another.
There was a day I knew I'm never gonna have my driving licence. Just because I was afraid I will fail, that I will suck, that the teacher will just yell at me and that Ill just drive into another car. I saw nightmares when I was a kid that I got into an accident. But here this, in my 6 years of driving almost nothing bad has happened (Im here and heck Im driving, sometimes even enjoying it).
And there was a day or two I knew Im not gonna graduate my school. I knew in my head somewhere that Ill fail those exams coz Im stupid (lie on top of a lie) and that everything will be just one big mess. Well, I DID graduate and with the best marks to top it of.
I always dreamed of living in the UK but somewhere in my heart I was questioning that dream coz everything spoke against it. My knowledge, my value, my insecurities, all nothing but lies. And then I discovered myself there for almost 1,5 years.
And my guitar. Wow. When I was a kid I tried to play piano. I mean I actually even got one for myself, just to practice with and must say I hated it. I sucked and I had no teacher and plaplapla so I kind of gave up this dream of ever playing an instrument. Until last year when I realized I might have a chance. A friend encouraged me to go for it (to pick up a guitar) and I now, 15 months later I know Im far from perfect BUT Im sure closer than Id ever would have dared to dream.
Why this blog? Im just wondering HOW many things in my life are not done because of fear of failure. Why in the whole wide world do I even let fear paralyze me or take over my thoughts when I know my God is bigger than any of that crap. I want Him to rule in my life not some kind of fears and thoughts that Im worth nothing... So Im just writing this to remind myself (and you) HOW big He is. How he comes in when things seem impossible. And just if you haven't heard it yet, even the word impossible says "Im possible"! :)

An adventure.

This weekend is gonna be an adventure. Today Im gonna go to Tallinn to do a secret project (top secret!) and tomorrow going to Rakvere. An 18+ evening, they invited me to do some music there, basically first time performing with my guitar in front of a others than my family (well I led worship in Latvia but worship has a whole different meaning to me and somehow I get lost in God when I worship, maybe I should try the same when I sing songs). :)
And on Monday going to a school in Rakvere to talk about eating disorders. 3 different age.groups of girls. I cant wait. It just gets me excited to know that I have a chance to share my story with these girls-young women. To share and know that they´ll receive it coz my Heavenly Father is with me. :) Im really excited for this weekend, Im also afraid that things will not work out, BUT who has never failed?
I mean if I wont try I wont even have the chance of succeeding? ;) Sometimes Im so afraid to do something new coz Im like, I will definitely fail or fall or make myself a laughing object, but heck, I mean I cant live like that... I want to be adventurous and daring... And in order to be that I need to try new things. ;) I so badly wanna tell you whats about to happen today but I cant. Men, hard heh?
Alright, Im off now for a couple of days. Be daring! ;)

I had another walk yesterday. A different one to the last one. Went on a totally different way and found myself admiring the nature around me. How things are a bit out of order and how beautiful the sky is and "look the colors match with each other"-kind of admiring. On my way back picked up (well more like broke from the trees) a bunch of branches which were starting to get leafs on them??!!? So they´re on my table now in a beautiful vase making atmosphere cozy. At least Ill try to think that instead of thinking how I murdered a couple of trees (prob not but hey who knows)... :)
Anyway... Its many things going on right now in my life. Music, work, people, friendships, I-dont-know-what-to-do ideas. And Im trying to figure out how to put everything together. And when Ill make it there Ill let you know as well. :)

That smell

That smell of real shit.
Ok I used the strong word here and I know some of you are offended by it but please dont be.
I had a good long walk today outside. Past the barns of cows or pigs (not sure which coz I couldn't see inside) but the smell that came into my nose was the smell from there. And I liked it. Do you want to know why? Because it was something so real. Something so tangible. Maybe something even from my childhood...
Most of the time we are surrounded by so much fake it makes me sick inside. Smells, pictures, people... Fakefakefake. People who say they´re our friends but when things get tough they disappear somewhere or pictures that tell us we need to look like that supermodel in her way-too-small-bikini or commercials that tells us if we don't use this product we´re worth nothing. Thats why this smell of shit was real. I know it sounds not cool but that's how I felt today. As I continued my walk I just had this feeling of home. Feeling of REAL.

B

Let me introduce you Barbala, the most precious Latvian sweetheart.
She is incredibly wonderful. I mean I could write all the best words here and I still couldnt describe how much she means to me and my heart. She has been an inspiration and encouragment and a good friend to me for the last 4-5 years. I love her dearly.
But this last weekend just topped everything that Ive known about her so far. I mean she travelled all day long just to get here for 2 days, to celebrate her 22nd birthday with ME! :) So I cooked, baked, cleaned and prepared for her a few birthday surprises.
She arrived on Friday evening and left today after lunch. I must say the place seems so empty without her laugh... BUT seriously, it was the best girl-time. We ate tons of cake, took pictures, had long walks and talks, midnight laughter, we celebrated and enjoyed sharing out hearts (ofc the main topic-boys), prayed, played boardgames, watched movies.
Es Tevi Milu, Barbala! ;)

Welcome Barbala! ;)

Its time.

Every time I take a break from Fb its like a time of rest. Also a bit weird not knowing whats going on in people´s lives but that's how it is actually meant to be. You know we are NOT suppose to know what ... (say a name) is having for lunch and what ... (name) is doing today. We shouldn't know these things in normal life. We shouldn't give likes to each other´s pictures like we are some kind of dogs who get points for their good looks and acts. Are you seeing what I'm seeing here? I mean let me paint a picture for you. Every time I go there I FEEL the great NEED to be someone, to be popular, to be likable. I post a picture and I go to check in every 5 seconds if someone has liked it. And if someone has Im like YESS. And if more than one its like Im likable. How real is that? Im so in this world most of the time I don't even notice the real world anymore. Its more important what people think about me than what God thinks about me. I post a status and Im like hey YOU HAVE TO LIKE IT. And if no one does Im erasing it within 5 minutes... Seriously? Do I really need to be likable among people I DON'T even know so well???
I was off for 2 days and went online this morning coz of an important letter. But there were also 6 other letters and tons of other notifications. Oh happy day, more likes... Well, Fb is good to stay in touch with many friends but at the same time its a trap from where a get.out is hard. It just makes me sad seeing myself getting so involved, so into it... I think I have to start taking "days off" more often just because I need to see the bigger picture. I do not need to be popular, likable, touchable, oh hey LOOK at me-me-me. Not like that. I want my friends to like me in real life, I want them to know me in real life. But in order to do that We all need to realize that something is wrong. And something is definitely wrong with Fb. It just doesn't seem right anymore...
But back to happy notes. Pancake-time. This week has been just strange. I wake up each morning to go to work and then it comes out there is non coz of H´s cold. Anyway... Like I said, I think its time for breakfast. ;)

Dear Facebook, I think we need a little break up. Just for a few days. I think it´ll do good for me. And it will give me the needed time to actually be productive rather then spend all my free time with you. So I hope you are understanding and give me my time. Im sure you will be just fine without me. ;)

To You, O Lord I lift up my soul!

Its very early. Ive been awake for quite some time. Its definitely the new pillow that just doesnt like me. I feel sorry for the pillow coz Im actually extremely likable! ;)
But thats not the reason for this blog-entry. The reason is yesterday´s worship-time. I was invited to go to Tartu to lead worship in an event that has such a huge purpose and meaning (you can read more about it here-->http://www.24liikumine.ee/)... Anyway I said yes and then invited Margus to back me up coz I had to be on stage for 2 hours and Im not able to lead worship and play guitar and think of a thousand details at the same time. So I knew Im gonna be comfortable with him. At the same time everything inside of me screamed: "Do not go there, who are you to do it, why are you doing this, why are you singing, what the heck are you even thinking of going there, you are not worthy enough, you have messed up bad, you get angry so easily, you sing bad, you worship bad, you are nothing!" And suddenly I knew I had to go. So yesterday morning started off bad, not gonna go into details but I was just so mad inside, I was like what the heck is going on. But I repented, I gave the burden away and let God deal with it. We hit the road and finally in Tartu, realized we are actually gonna do it.
2 hours went by so fast. It was beautiful. It was precious. It was so much and yet so simple. I gave my heart and yet again God came and took over. I know it coz later when I tried to think back all I knew was that God was with me. I just knew it. Im so thankful yet again. And all the people who heard the message through Pildiraadio, well, Im just thankful. I know that God did something y.day, He definitely broke through and changed something in the atmosphere and brought freedom and healing. The comments I heard later touched my heart and led me into being even more thankful. I use that word a lot in this entry but thats how I feel. I know there wasnt thousands of people listening but those who did were blessed. I was blessed. Men how do I describe how I feel right now? I cant coz its overwhelming! :)

The Great Awakening

So last night I was just sitting around doing almost nothing. When suddenly I noticed a song my friend posted on Youtube. Leeland-The Great Awakening. I listened to it. Then listened again. And again. Finally picked up my guitar and did a cover. Took a little time but heck, this song is incredible. Such a good message.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKfL6-TsKI8

One man wakes, awakens another
Second one wakes his nest door brother    
Three awake can rouse a town
And turn the whole place upside down

Many awake will cause such a fuss
It finally awakes all of us                      
One man wakes with dawn in his eyes
Surely then it multiplies
Surely then it multiplies

My most precious girl from Latvia told me yesterday she´s gonna visit me next week and Im still jumping up and down coz of that. Ok not literally. Im good at exaggerating a bit. ;) I mean I told her Im gonna bake a thousand cakes for her and then said, ok maybe actually 2. So here you go.
Im really happy how God puts things in order. I was so sad yesterday due to a lot of emotions that overwhelmed me and then God just turns my sorrow into joy. Thats how GOOD He is! :) And not to mention a few msg-s from different people which all involved hugs and warm words. Without them knowing where Im at... Im blessed indeed.

Emme on mul parim. Tulin tujukana just töölt tagasi, sest arusaamatuste pärast on mul täna siiski vaba päev (peaks vist hoopis õnnelik olema ju?) ja siis nõudsin kohvi. 2minutit hiljem ei tahtnud enam, ja siis mõtlesin ümber jälle... Ja järgmine hetk tuleb emme suure tassi imelise kohviga mu tuppa... Palju parem olla nüüd! :)

Ja siis ma pean ühe sündmuse üles kirjutama, enne kui meelest läheb. See on seda väärt.
Eile oli meil terve lasteaia laste ja nende vanematega matk metsa. Minu hoolealuse isa aga ei saanud kaasa tulla ja nii ma läksin siis ise... Meil oli raskemaid hetki ja oli ka palju rõõmu. Üks kõige armsam hetk oli siis, kui me hakkasime metsast välja jalutama. Lapsed olid väsinud ja kõndisid nii kenasti oma vanemate kõrval. H kõndis siis minu kõrval ja järgmine hetk tahtis nii väga mu käest kinni võtta. Mingi hetk hakkas tal palav ja ta võttis kindad käest ära. Võtsin siis ka kindad ära. Aga mu käed olid jääkülmad ja ta kohe märkas seda. Siis ma rääkisin talle, kuidas Essu alati mu käsi on soojendanud, kui mul külm on ja ta hakkas kohe mu käsi hõõruma ja oma kuuma mulle edasi andma. See oli kõige ilusam asi, mis ta meie kuu aja jooksul on teinud. Aitäh, H! :)

I really dont like to be angry.
And I really dont like speeches a la "we don't have any money because our government is stupid and so on..." but today something really touched me.
I read an article about single moms. Two sisters who live together just to save money (younger sister has 1 boy and older has 3 girls, so its 6 people all together) in a small apartment. Their men just left them coz they felt they couldn't handle the responsibility. Well, something in me wanted to scream.
We live in this society where boys grow up not knowing their fathers. Girls who grow up not knowing their fathers. And the other way around as well in many cases (the boy whose support person I am grows up with his dad)... And I just have this question: What the heck? Why couldn't these dads be dads for their kids; I mean their mothers have to manage with almost no money and no support?? Why is no one supporting them? I mean single parent in Estonia get 19 euros a month as an extra support. REALLY? 19 euros? I cant even buy normal trousers with that money... I just sat reading this article stunned, not that I haven't heard stories like that before but still it spoke to me.

So basically I was touched by two things. First - where are these men who can stand up and say: we can and we will! And second - why is no one supporting single parents? Ok maybe Im exaggerating here a bit and there probably is some sort of support but is it enough? What they said there was that what they need most is someone who holds them and tells them they´re loved. Someone to whom they can go to and say, can I get a hug... I get that. There are so many days I feel like I NEED A HUG. But I have a family who are willing to give me as many hugs as needed.
Anyway back to my point. I just feel as though Estonia is a place where people are not valued. Im not saying one can buy happiness with money, but groceries and everyday supplies for sure. We need many things to survive and if 6 people have to live in one room in order to survive I dont think Estonian government is doing good enough job to help.

I hope it has made you think. It sure made me feel thankful that I can live at my parents apartment right now without paying rent and almost always having food in front of me. Its not even a little thing, its a big big thing. Find someone who needs a hug. If you want a hug you must give one. Just saying. ;)

My way

How to make coffee Kirsi-style early in the morning:
1. Put the kettle on.
2. Put coffee in a cup.
3. Wait a bit in another room (read: check Facebook!).
4. Pour water on coffee, then realize it was cold water.
5. Put the cup in a microwave.
6. Wait, then take the cup out. Put it back for some more...
7. While its in a microwave, pour some milk into another cup.
8. Take the coffee out, put milk into a microwave.
9. Take sieve. Take coffee thats been microwaved and pour it through a sieve into another cup.
10. Now leave the coffee. Take milk and pour coffee on it.
11. Realize it still has some coffee grounds in it.
12. Take another cup and sieve it through again.
13. Now sip it. Realize its still cold.
14. Put it back to microwave for 30 seconds.
15. Drink it. No sugar. Put sugar in.
16. Go to your room and drink it quick otherwise it goes back to cold...
*Somewhere in the middle realize that everyone else is still sleeping so instead of laughing out loud you just sneak back into your room pretending you didn't do anything.
*All 3 cups were not harmed!

Love is a rainbow and a random smile from a stranger.
Love is the colors of this autumn.
Love is peace in your heart and love is people who care.
Love is also what you invest in a kids life.
Thats why I love him already. And thats why Im doing it. Loving.

I love taking pictures. Of nature. Of stunning views and little pugs. Birds and animals. But mostly people. Because people amaze me every time I take pictures of them. They are beautiful. And wonderful. Inside-out. Everyone has their own flaws but its the flaws and goods together that makes someone unique.
Nowadays its like every second person owns a camera and is already a photographer. Everyone puts their name under a picture and says, I took this. Its mine and dont use it without giving me a recognition. Which is a good thing but...
So I just think Im always gonna do this for fun. Its my hobby, something I like. Taking pictures. But Im so not gonna be another photographer. Its getting a bit too much. From what I see around me.
But Gerlika. Is stunning. And gorgeous. And beautiful.
Inside-out. And Im so blessed to have a cousin like her. A friend like her. :)

Rainy = cozy

Sometimes I absolutely love this time of the morning. Its 6:39 am and Im sitting alone in our kitchen. Drinking tea and seeing the lights outside. Its pitch-dark and raining. Such a cozy time when no one is awake yet and I can just be with my thoughts and music and...
Anyway. Im about to wake up Ester soon, take her to school and go to work myself. I still cant believe I have a job now. Im responsible for something and in so many different ways it feels good. Yes, its a hard work, I never realized how much you need to give when you work with kids. Im actually having a lot of problems with my voice since I use it more and I have less energy after 5 hours with them... BUT I have a job and I have something to give my love into! :)
So, the rainy-day remedy. Drink lots of wonderful tea and stop worrying about the things you cant change. Do the things you can today and love people. It helps! Ps! Wear something colorful today... ;)

Coz she is absolutely beautiful!

Weekend passed by way too quick and I must say I didnt get much rest, I did enjoy it though. It was great to see good friends in Võru and it was a fun roadtrip with 2 wonderful girls! :) I drove about 5-6 hours there and back and Im pretty proud of myself, Id never thought I could do it. But here I am, I made it!!!
So back to reality. Kindergarten and Ester. But something has changed in me. I actually want to have things done differently. I am praying over this kid and Im learning what techniques to use and what not. I love this little boy a lot already and to have the chance to be right next to him is big even though I still dont know a whole lot what Im doing... :)
Anyways. Whoever you are, visit me and come give me a hug! Ill give you a hug back and share my life with you...
Hugs
(Ps! The pics are taken by my friend Ragne, just to give her the credit)

Friday

I feel as though I havent written here for ages even though its only been like a week. But I tell you this week has been one heck of a one. It was my first full 5-working-days-week. And Im so done now. I mean, I gotta go to work today, but tomm Im off and Im gonna try to sleep in a morning. I actually did a little trick y-day with Ester. I mean she has been sleeping snuggled up next to me all through this week and its tiring coz Im half-sleep-half-wake... So I put a mattress on the floor and she slept on a bed and I actually got to sleep. Not a whole lot, but 7 hours in a row is quite alright!

Anyway, my work is def challenging. With kids for 4-5 hours each morning and then Ester the rest of the day. My new nick-name in her school is "young mommy" which is kind of weird coz I do feel like one. I wash her, clothe her, make food for her, read night-time stories, study with her, drive her to school and back from school. A full time mum! :)
And my work, well, Im kind of like a helper to one kid in our local kindergarten. He is adorable and yesterday I even got my first hug from him, but he is someone who needs attention all the time. I dont want to talk too much about him coz my blog is public. :) Anyway I have started to love all the kids there and their little differences and similarities. Its a good starting point for me def!

My personal life is odauschfxvb hgirrfsbnölibl... ;) Im not doing bad, but Im being stretched and molded. Im doing things that I never thought possible (kids f.e.) and its def molding me to be more patient, more creative etc. Things are changing. From Someone who couldnt even be with kids for a longer time to someone who is with kids 24x7 is a BIG change.
But yes, that is my everyday life now for a while. I have accepted this and every bit of it has been my own decision coz you know sometimes we just gotta step out and see where the water carries us! The only sad thing about it all is that I find it so hard to pick up my guitar lately. Its as if everything else takes so much from me that all I can do is come home, do the things with E and go to sleep. Meeen, not ready for my own kids yet! :D

So tomorrow going on a little road-trip with a few friends. Gonna lead worship in Võru on Sunday, but we´ll start our journey tomorrow morning just to get away. :) I need this going. To be with people, with friends. And Im gonna drive my car the whole way, wheeeeee! This is gonna be interesting.
Anyway. I know I havent asked this almost never, but I need a few prayers. Im tired. And Im a little bit in a hole. I cant be up all the time, but a little would be nice! ;) I miss so many people it hurts most of the time. But as for now sending my love to you. Take care and see you soon! :)

No woman, no man, no person is meant to be alone. No one is meant to do it alone. I mean life. I mean sharing your life with someone is the most beautiful thing ever. So if you have that someone, friendship, relationship... Appreciate it. Coz nothing is more precious than that!

Today

I still look back at that day with a smile on my face. To call them a young couple brings me so much joy and happiness. The day their story was on Reporter (in case you missed it --> http://www.reporter.ee/2012/09/19/pool-sajandit-lahus-olnud-vanapaar-purjetas-abieluranda/) my grandpa called me and was like, you HAVE to watch it... What an excitement in his voice. I couldn't be more happier for them, I couldn't be more thankful to God. :) Anyway that is that and his happiness means the world to me.

But something else caught my eye this morning. I read a short update from a classmate of mine (back from high school time) and there was this great irony about some famous Estonian Christians being really drunk in Tallinn. It hurt my heart so bad. I couldn't believe it, well, actually I could and that hurt even more. Such a way to show people how much we love God and?? I know her skepticism about Christians anyway and now that? Why do we draw so much crappy attention on us? Why our actions doesn't speak out love and compassion and hope and joy? I mean, yes, make mistakes BUT don't go around being hypocrite. I seriously dislike that (I wanted to use word hate, but I think its too strong)...

But alright, I have two days off and if Im ready one day, Ill share a bit about my work with you. Until then, be who you are and show love to others. :)

Is God distant? Is He angry?

I mean I faced some questions today. In my heart. Something happened to a friend of mine. And yet again, these questions come... And Im like, what the heck? What is happening? I mean if God is always the same, never changeable then what? Why are the things happening, bad things?
But I tell you one thing even though I dont have tons of answers, my God is NOT distant and HE IS SO not angry. He is a good and loving Father and you can tell me to shut up and go away, well, I wont. Because He has promised to take care of me and my needs. And He has promised never to leave.
When hardships face me or when Im troubled, He is way closer then I think He is... He is right beside me loving me and holding me.
I know that due to the original sin we are all sinners, bad things happen. Its not that only when everything is perfect and good then we worship. Worship is a lifestyle and it should not stop when we face hardships and battles. Nono. This is where real worship starts...
My heart tells me not to worry. Its the world around me that tells me otherwise. Well, heck, Ive got a good Dad so...
Anyway gonna go to dinner now.
Oh and I had my first day at work today. Updates about that coming soon... :)

So a few words about my new job. Im gonna be a helper to someone in our local kindergarten. There is this kid who has quite a few problems so Im gonna be his personal "teacher"/helper. Whenever he needs someone Im gonna be there for him. I took that job because I need a challenge. I need something to motivate me to wake up each morning, to look forward to something. Its only 4-5 hours every day but it is something new and I need new! And I want to help that kid, I met him today and I like him. He is such a lively boy who just needs some attention and love. And maybe a little discipline, but love mostly... So Im gonna be that person for him God willing. I dont think he has some physical problem, I just think he doesn't really know what love his. It may sound sheepish and lame, but thats what I believe. Maybe there is a bigger plan behind that job why I need to be there for a while...
Anyway thats my lil update for today.
:)

So blessed.

By far the best wedding Ive been to so far and mark my words - Ive been to many! :)
A beautiful ceremony, two people in love, dance, music, cake, great food and company... Im blessed beyond words. To see my grandpa so happy with a woman he was separated with for so many years, I have no words. The story behind it is absolutely wonderful and one day Im gonna sit down with these two and write it on a paper. Im gonna write it down to pass it on to generations and generations because we need to be reminded what LOVE really is. Its about forgiveness and its about letting go of past. Moving on and allowing love to take over. Thats love in my eyes. Thats true and pure and thats gold.
Im happy to have new friends, people in my life who enrich my family. So blessed. To see my grandpa move back to his roots, in Saaremaa, where he was born and raised... Thats beautiful.

I pray to God that I can have a second chance when it comes to marriage. I pray to God that one day the man who will pursue my heart will be just for me and we will find each other in God´s timing and grace. But again, Im thankful that my eyes can witness their love-story because it gives me a new strength to wait and see what Father has for me...
Coz there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.

A kreisi dei

Yesterday sure was the craziest day in a while... Got a new phone finally which is not from ice age, then made my first skirt (which has a story) and then later mum died my hair deep-cherry-red. Looks good I must  admit...
But back to the skirt-story. So ever since I remember I have wanted to make something with a sewing machine but I was like, heck, I cant do anything, it wouldn't work out plaplapla. So I didn't. I didn't even try. Until yesterday, when I felt like this is it, I NEED to try! And I found this amazing page online where I got a teaching how to make a summer-skirt, I translated it into Estonian and boom, a couple of hours later I was holding a skirt in my hands. How wonderful is this? I mean if you never try you´ll never know! :) So from now on Ill be making my owns skirts.
And today is the day my grandpa is getting married. I promise you, there will be a lot of tears and beautiful moments shared because I mean, HE is my grandpa for crying out loud. He is not a friend or a young man getting married. He is someone who already talked of his death, someone to whom God gave a second chance and he took it, he grasped it with both hands and he is not letting go! :) In case you missed it, here is their story in short: http://virsika.blogspot.com/2012/08/its-time.html...
So very thankful and happy for them I cant even express it well! Alright. Gonna start going soon so a lot to do before leaving...

Cartoons

She taught me something yesterday. Something so beautiful I have to write it down.

But Ill go back a bit with my story before I share this.

When I was in B-school last July I heard this story about a kid who couldnt choose her favorite cartoon. So she kept saying that this is my favorite, the next moment another cartoon was her favorite and so on. Until her grandpa was so confused and so stressed that he was like fzljvxn jv??!! And then Father God told him that its ok to have many favorites...

So yesterday as I was watching cartoons with Ester something very similar started to happen. We watch one cartoon and she is all over: THIS IS MY FAV. The next moment another cartoon starts, she is like, heeey that is so my favorite... And it happened like 3-4 times. And Im smiling big coz I suddenly got it. I mean why do we grownups always choose our favorites? Why cant we just have many favorites? I remember when I started keeping my secret diaries I always did these huge lists of my favorite tv-shows, colors, movies etc. And I always had to have 1 or else... Anyway last night I was just sitting there thinking that I can have all the colors of the world and I still need to pick one as my fav? Why in the world? Who says that? Who says that I have to have just 1? 

Thank you Ester for doing that! Because you know what, I love peppermint, vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, caramel and probably tons of other flavored ice creams! ;) They are all my favorites! Just like we are all Father´s favorites! You and me and this girl who got pregnant, the lady who has sex with every other guy just to feel some sort of love, this man who lost all his money and struggles to handle his life or you and me with all our faults and goods! We are all HIS favorites! :) 

One day as I was chatting with a friend I realized I needed to sing at my grandpa´s wedding. And I was like, I dont have any songs coz the two good ones I had I sang at my parents ceremony already and I dont want to do the same songs... So the other day when I took Mr.Morri out I started to hum this tune in my head and a few words came, so I hurried back inside, sat down and wrote down their story. In a song. How they met, then had to go their separate ways and then were reunited again in God´s timing. And as I was singing it I was so touched by it coz Daddy´s timing really is perfect.

Even though most of my days I find it hard to believe.

I have all these questions like, where is my man? Why do I live with my little sister and parents right now? Where is my place? My job? My passions and my interests? 

But seeing the story of my grandpa and Ellen, its as if Father is whispering, dont worry and take chances. Dont worry. Do the things you love and LOVE the things you do now. The little things. Like taking Ester to school. Walking with a friend. Playing guitar in your bedroom. Taking dad to the bus-station. Baby-sitting your niece´s baby. The little thing.

So yes. What a strange situation Im in now. But maybe its just the way its suppose to be! ;) Coz my Dad´s plans for me are bigger than my own.

Cant wait to put on a dress again and go have fun at the wedding. And maybe even be encouraged that my man will come. On a right time. With the right motives. And with a passion and heart for me.

Love.

A beautiful day

Because (maybe) God has a bigger plan for you than you have for yourself!
Last night when we were jamming together with with a friend until 1am I realized that my dreams are MEANT to come true. Its gonna happen. My CD will happen one day and my music is gonna be public and Im gonna worship and Im gonna dance. And Im gonna have my heart shared with people. With women.
Because not maybe God has a bigger plan but FOR SURE God has a bigger plan. ;)
And my beautiful V has a birthday today. SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRECIOUS!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2xNOmR1CSw
Love you!

scary

Scary. The dreams I have. They are big. And they are not in my hands. In a way they are but when I start thinking about my dreams its like, whoah, will any of it ever happen or do I have to wait forever and when forever ends what then? The way I think is not good. To be negative is not good. Well. Today is a new day. I woke up at 8 am to take my dog out and whoah when the breath of fresh and cold air hit me in the face I was like, it really is a new day. With new opportunities and activities. With hopes and dreams. And to actually go after them is a new thing for me... Im gonna go for my dreams. This time Im not giving up. Im gonna do it. Even if Im scared and they seem too big.
I am not someone who gives up. I just needed to be reminded of that. ;)

The real stuff

Ok, so usually we post stuff on FB that we like. We post pictures where we look absolutely beautiful, best outfits, smiles, make up, suits. Or statuses where most people seem to live in a "perfect" world. A-mazing homes, decorations, food, gatherings, parties etc.
But is it real? Is this who we really are? The smiles? Is it all true? I mean if I would post a picture of myself  with baggy trousers as Im wearing right now, with no make up and with not such a big smile, would people like it? Just me with no big fancy stuff on?

I do that. Most of my pictures there and here in my blog are of happy occasions and big smiles. I love smiling, but seriously. How many times are we real? If Id be really real there I think most people would run away from my page. I have wonderful days, I have happy days. But most of my days Im struggling. With deep stuff. Im not happy 24x7. Not at all. Im not doing perfect most of the time. Nope. I have tons of thoughts which have something to do with me being too big or me being this or that and me being not enough. Questions like "am I lovable" etc. Thats my everyday life. Not a big fancy "IM good all the time". Yes, Papa is taking care of me every day and He lives in me and He knows me so well. And I love God and I love my life. But it is far from perfect. I struggle a lot with "who I am and what the heck Im suppose to do" question. Coz you know the fact that I walk with Jesus doesn't make every bad thought and struggle disappear with a finger-click.
So my challenge for myself for today is TO BE REAL. Not hiding my face when Im crying. Not running away. And just being me! With of without make up. With a nice dress or with big pants.

Im a woman. A girl. Im a daughter. Im a musician. A sister. Im a worshiper and Im someone who loves. Im beautiful. Im worthy and sometimes Im messy. I have an identity in God. I am the Eesti-girl. Im all-over-the-place. Im tidy. A dreamer. Im a writer and a singer. Im an artist. Im a follower and sometimes a leader. Im a masterpiece and wonderfully made. An everything-has-to-be-in-its-place person. Im a guitar-player. Im a learner. A hard-worker. Im a picture-taker. A dress-lover-jean-wearer. A tree-climber-forest-walker. Im a giver and a receiver. Im an addict to chocolate and ice-cream. A tea-drinker and cafe latte lover.
Im a woman.
Im someone who falls in love easily. Im honest and straight with my words. Sometimes too straight.
A traveler. An autumn-person. A choice-maker. A seeker. A book-a-holic. An English-loving-Estonian. A talker. Im Kirsi. Im me. And who are you?

...

For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.

Ester, Riga

Im somewhere in a hotel in Riga. Its 8.05am and no sleep. Nu labi. It was a wonderful evening yesterday. For the first time ever I saw gold-dust on a preacher and I just rubbed my eyes many time to see if what Im seeing is true. Later on a dinner table (uuuh we all went out to a great restaurant in downtown, yum) we discussed and shared and talked about these things - sings, wonders, miracles... Like how big are they in our lives etc. What a good fellowship. I love Riga. I really do.

Ester had her first day of school yesterday. Im so proud of her. I dont know even why. Maybe its some sort of motherly instinct or something but I love her so much and I cant wait to help her with her studies... :)
So. Greetings´n´hugs from Riga. ;)

...

For some strange reasons I keep going back to Latvialand. I know there has to be some plan with me and Latvia because each time there is so precious and such a JOY for me! :) So we will see. But I do know that in God´s heart each nation is so special and so is my nation; so maybe I'm just this crazy woman who loves people so much that wherever I go to I feel like I'm home and I feel as though that's where I want to be (ok, maybe not every nation but LV and Fin definitely)! So tomorrow. Latvia it is, RIGA - here I commme! (: I'm gonna go together with my dad, there will be a conference and we were invited to be a part of it. Its also easier to travel with 2 coz the journey is long and we can keep each other company!
Anyway I have had a great day today, was chillin´ with some friends, ate kebab and had a good walking-talking-time! :) And I feel a lot better health-wise... I still have a strange feeling in my throat and when I talk its as if a midget, a frog or a rabbit is talking (dont ask me how I know how they talk, I just know). :D yeah. I think Ill stop talking for a few days (if its possible!). :)
Have a wonderful weekend you all and enjoy enjoy enjoy the last days of summer... :)

I know Im not perfect.
But because He is perfect and He is love then He sees me through His eyes and Im enough. In Him and through Him.

I actually just wanted to write that I know Im not perfect in my guitar-playing. But the fact that I can pick it up anytime I want and play, it makes me feel so good. Even though most songs I play are in C or G and I need to use a lot of capo, it still makes me happy. :) Just like now...

This is pretty kreisi

My little sister is starting her school-journey on Saturday. Whoah, how crazy is that? Seriously? I was looking my pictures back from ice-age a few weeks ago and I have to say that it feels as though she was just born a few days ago... And now she is going to school. Its just that we are going to buy her school-supplies today and I just cant comprehend the fact that she is a little-big girl already. :) And it makes me feel just a tiny-wee bit old. Im 25???!!!?? We redecorated our whole apartment yesterday. Changed all the rooms, switched a few and she got her own room finally. Girly, pink stuff all over mixed with green and purple and colors she loves. And I got all my stuff into my room. I have a hate-love relationship with living home. I love that I have the most loving family ever, that they care for me and they wont throw me out when I have no place to go to. But I also dislike the fact that I dont have my own home. I have been thinking about it in so many ways, of what I could do about it, but as for now Im here. God knows my heart and why is it the way it is. So judges, stop judging. And come see my life through my point of view.
I really cant do anything I feel forced to do. I cant take a job that stops me from doing the things I love. I love travelling and somehow it makes me walk on water. With no money God always has provided. Yes I lived a safe life in Wales, knowing exactly how big my income was and how much food I could afford etc. Its not so safe-easy-peasy anymore but I haven't lost my faith. And I will not. But I am saying its not so easy for me. I am dreaming of my own home, my own family... I want a baby so bad it aches in me. But it takes two to tango, right? And I guess Im safe with my Father, coz He has put these dreams in me. SO yes. Trusting Him and continuing my journey!
"When you´re at rest, you stop trying. You just wait, you watch, you listen and you prepare to do whatever it is God tells you to do!" Graham Cooke