A cup of Tea!

257

Hommik. 7:08. Istun oma toas põrandal ja joon cappuccino-t. Mönus. Akna taga mõllab torm. Ma enam ei tea, kas see on hiline sügistorm või varajane talvetorm. Aga see polegi oluline. Nii hea on olla toas, kaitstud ja hoitud. Mis siis, et nii 20 minuti pärast pean tööle minema. Praegune hetk on oluline.
Mul pea huugab viimasel ajal mõtlemisest. Nii palju on juhtunud ja siin kirjutan ma sellest kõigest ehk 10-st protsendist, kui sedagi. Mitte, et ma ei tahaks, aga see on võimatu. Mu süda, mina ise, on ühes muutumisprotsessis. Pidevalt. Ma olen ühel teekonnal. Kogu aeg. Ja kõigest ei saa rääkida. Ma tahaksin. Aga ei oska.
Läheme täna välja. Kuskile restorani B&B naistega. Peale tööd ruttu koju, kleit selga ja minek. Nii ootan juba. ("Afternoon-tea-party"). :) Ma ei ole ammu nii välja saanud minna ja nüüd on põhjust. Tähistame R-C sünnipäeva. Päris vahva. Päris kallis on ka. AGA meie eest on hoolt kantud. ;)
Mis siis veel. Eesti-Eesti-Eesti. 23 päeva veel ja ma olen sinu juures. Tulen puhkama ok? Ärge siis pange mulle suuri ootusi jms. Olen veidi väsinud ja vajan aja maha võtta oma pere juures. Tartu reis on ka silme ees. Muu aja veedan oma perega. Hea. Ester ka musitas mind läbi Skype üleni ära eile. Minu tibu.
Miks Eesti keeles? Vahel võib! :)

K

I love b a k i n g

the BEST carrot-cake ever! :)

Day 253: Live your dream. And wear your passion.

Just saying.
I remember being a little girl skipping, dancing along the road and making up tons of new songs in my head and then singing them out loud. So loud that neighbours prob thought Im crazy or smth. I didnt care. I loved all these weird, strange, loud songs I sang. Each had something to do with my life at that moment. Some were about sun shining, some about rabbits we had, some about boys I liked.
Its bubbling up inside of me. The dream to do something. My throat is itching so bad. I want it to happen. So bad. And I know I suck at organizing thing and actually going after my dreams, but this one is just too crazy for NOT to happen.
Im gonna have my own album. I dont know when and how. I really dont know. And its making me a bit anxious. But I KNOW it will happen.
Its a big dream and you might say it is too big but who said that dreams dont come true? :)
I love what it says on my wall: GETTING LOST WILL HELP YOU FIND YOURSELF.
I am a bit lost. And so what? If it helps me to find myself then heck. Im about to find out. Something is changing in the air, I can feel it, taste it and dwell on it.
Something is near.
Once my friend said to me that I should not think so much about my future but be content in the present. And oh how right he is. But then again I want to keep on dreaming and believing something I cant yet see.
So I wanna add a little prayer here.
"Father. Thank YOU for these 8 months here. Help me stay patient. Help me see and taste You more and more and more and more. And be hidden in Your love. Help me Share it with others through worship. And never give up on my dreams. I want to wear my passion. You have given me an anointing. Its called "Kirsi´s" anointing. And I love You. You are my REAL dad. Thank You!"
K

Babababanana

Bananabread.
Oh what a hard word it is! :D
So its the 5th day of our schoolweek. Almost done. 1 more night of worship and then tomorrow everyone will leave and in a week´s time from today we have a new group coming. And then its almost time to go to Estonia for me. Its crazy. Christmas is in 30 days from today. I have been thinking about all this sofucbkcjyfkhgdfvkuhfkudjh over Christmas. So why the heck do we wait for it? Coz of presents? Tick. Coz of a family time? Tick. Coz of snow and wonderful food? Tick.
Yes. All of this is very important. I cant wait to see my family. I cant wait to have presents and make presents. And most of all visit my beautiful country again. Friends.
But heck. This is not why Christmas is so important. There is so much more behind this. MY JESUS WAS BORN. My God sent HIS beloved Son so I could live today. That I could breath and live and love and marry and rejoice and laugh and cry. So if that is not important then what is? :)

The second thought I had for this blog has to do with cooking. I got a bit of a revelation today. So, I have been cooking so much here. See, I LOVE baking. Banana bread. Maderia cake. Carrot cake. Flapjack. Brownies. But I have a p r o b le m with cooking. I used to do it for others so much when I had eating disorders that I learned to dislike it (Im not using the h-word). And here I have to cook all the time. A LOT. I smell and dream of onions sometimes. And everyone always says how wonderful soups I make, how great this and that tastes. Especially in schools. So my revelation is this: Sometimes our weeknesses can turn into our strenghts and the other way around. I used to have BIG problems with controlling things. And I still do occasionally. BUT if I use it in a right portion, in a right time, it can be a good thing. Dont ask me how, come and Ill show you how! :)

So. Yes. Its my 5th day at work today and I must say Im getting a bit tired, but tomorrow is off so restrestrest it is. Our sweet Rui-Chi has a birthday so we get to celebrate it together in the evening. ;) I love our b-days here. So much effort and love shared and showed... It should be like that in every family.
Labi. Paka.

:)

Now this is just great. I have never seen a group more thankful and appreciative than this one!!! You make them breakfast, they are almost in tears.
You make them soup, they are up and ready for 2nd and 3rd portions and have thousands of thank-you´s ready for you.
You sing to them, you lead them into worship and they just sing so loud with you (and occationally over you). And later encourage you to go on and never let go.
You bake a cake and they want the recipe. No left-overs.
You talk with them and they just smile. Beam actually. Talk back and ask tons of questions.
The thing I love most about elderly people is their hearts. They are so open, so ready to share their hearts with you.
I L O V E this group!
:)

Day 250: The time

The time has come to stand for what we are believing. I dont believe in "hide-behind-the-curtains-Christianity". I was that girl. And I sometimes probably still am (nobody´s perfect). And it is horrible. To not talk about what I believe. To hide. I know. Actions speak louder than words. But the thing is that our actions cant speak if we hide.
So why am I saying this.
Because last night was different. I worshiped in Spirit. And I didnt care if there were people in the room or not (I mean, I do care, but it was not about them anymore). I usually try to please people. I have been a people-pleaser a lot in my life. And especially in worship. I have tried to sing to them, so that they could come and follow me in worship etc etc. But its all about Jesus. And I was singing TO HIM yesterday. With all my heart and He gave me a new song. A song that came from my heart. Something that reminds me we dont have to do anything perfect, because HE shows up anway if we´re waiting.
You know. There have been so many times in my life when I go in front of people and I hide. I put on a smile when Im hurting. And I pull together a good face. But I dont have to do that. I want to be vulnerable so He could come and shake me. And heal me. And love me. And take me in HIS armas and carry me.
Then people will see that my God is a good Father.
I am not a shamed of my Father. He is wonderful.
And I just want to be in a place where I can know that I know that I know that wherever I go and whoever I meet, not only my actions BUT also my words would bring comfort and peace and Dad would speak through me.
And one more thing. People around you want to see the real you. Not the one with the smile that always says, IM OK. If you´re hurting then dont hide it. Dont try to please anyone. Be real. Because everyone in this world is been hurt by someone or something and if they see that they´re not alone they might find comfort. IN God through you. Christians dont have to have it all together just coz they are Christians. :)
And again. These are just my thoughts. IF you disagree dont pour it out or be mad at me. We all can share our mind and heart. Write to me, ask me questions, you have that right! :)
K


PS! 1 MONTH LEFT TIL IM IN ESTONIA AGAIN!!!!!

When He comes I can do nothing...

...nothing but surrender and go with the flow. Im so thankful. Amazed. Loved. Yesterday´s worship was so beautiful. I didnt think it would be like that. I was afraid. I showed everyone that Im not and that Im ok. But the truth is everytime Im about to sing in front of people, its never easy. Im fighting inside. Its a bit of pride issue. Its a bit of fear-issue. Im a normal human being. In front of people everyone wants to stand out. But in front of GOD I just want to be me. So I surrendered. I gave all Ive got and He gave me so much back. (+Ive got an amazing team here. They are just incredable. Im never gonna tire of telling this!!)
I am L O V E D!!!!

Day 248: Dust in my eyes.

There is still sleep-dust in my eyes. There really is. Its so early Im not even gonna tell you the time. Something very am. And I was dreaming all night long. I have done that the last 3 nights. Slept bad. I had 2 days off and I had a project to finish so I couldnt actually rest. At. All. But the thing with these kind of projects is that I enjoy them. I cant share it yet, its a bit of a secret. So yes. Ill show pics soon. :)

Oh u should have seen me last night. I needed a break from what I was doing and saw this gorgeous sunset from the window, grabbed my camera and RAN outside. Ran 15 minutes real bad just to get to the lake and take my photos. I didnt fail. It was gorgeous. As it usually is after a sunny and cold day. So there it was.

There is gonna be a Fathers Heart School here, starting today. A week full of ministry, worship, peace, healing, tears, laughter, good food, love, new friends. A week. And I believe and pray God to help me and Paul with worship. I must say Im a bit afraid. But just coz we have been very busy and had just one time to practise. So I guess Dad has to take over. Right! ;)

What to say? I have just 1 month before my Christmas break. It´ll be awesome to come from one home to another home for a bit. The circle of my friends is just 1 big family anyway. Cant wait to see my sweet and beautiful faces, hug you all properly and actually have some good times together. So there we go. 1 month.

Ok, Im about to get ready for work now. Breakfast for 16 or smth like that. Uhuh. H E L P!! :D

Day 245: A new

A new song it is. I am going to name it "A song of hope" and I cant record it now. See, I dont have anything else except a phone to record it with and the quality is not for human-ears. So you have to be patient with my CD. You really have to be. One beautiful day it will come true. I dont know the day. I dont know the year. I dont know the band yet. But it will. Coz this dream in me is so deep and strong. And Dad already knows the songs on it. He knows the name of my CD. And He he pleased with it.
:)

8 months ♥

Today, 8 months ago I came to Bala. I cant believe that its already 8 months. It seems like it has been no time at all. And yet it is. So congratulations to me. No big plans for today, just working. But I know it will be good. I get to cook and serve breakfast for 3 and after that clean a couple of rooms etc etc.

So I uploaded a few pictures of my last month here. Its been a time of emptyness. A time of laughter. A time of questioning. A time of joy. A time of tears. A time of hope. A time of surprises (look at my last picture). A time of family. You know this scripture in Bible where it says there is a time and season for everything. Well, this is my everything. :) And Im coming through. I know I am. So yes. 8 months today beibi! Maybe the same number is still to come.

Gonna lead worship next week here. Excited me. I really love doing this and it makes my heart rejoice as well. So looking forward for this.

I found out smth funny yesterday. I mean, its been almost a month since my sister got married to Chris and I added another pic from their day and the pics are still popular. I guess it is just that my family is so beautiful. Lol. ;)

Day 242: The moment.

You know. The moment. You usually recognize these moments that are So Very Important in your life. These special "I fell in love" or "I passed my exam" or "Will you marry me? Yes." or "I got accepted to this great school!" moments. These are the things to remember.
But there are also these moments, these times when you know that you know that you know that God helped you, that God was behind this and all you can do is to be thankful.
Now. I want you to dig these moments up when times go hard.
I want to remember the goodness of God in times when I dont know where the heck Im going. I want to remember my God´s mercy. His grace upon my life. Because that helps me to move on.
Sometimes. I. Am. Also. Struggling. Big. Time.
My head is spinning and heart is in trouble. And thats when I open my heart to remember the times He brought me through. Through anorexia. Through school-problems. Through sickness. Through fire and rain. And you know what. Rain is not so bad. Because once you get inside, you get dry again. You will never be ALWAYS wet.. (and anyway, we are not made of sugar).
So build an altar. Not a physical one. Not an old time rock-altar. But an altar in your memories. Write it down if you need to. I have written down a lot about His goodness. How He was there when I needed to pass my driving test. Or He was there when I struggled in the hospital for weeks, fighting against the spirit of eating disorder. Or like when He helped my family. How He has built the love between my parents who were 17 and 18 when they got married. No love then. A lot of love now.
Or when I had no idea what Im gonna do after high school and He led me to Denmark. How He led me to Tartu to study music and how Im here, in Bala now.
You know, ITS NOT ALL FLOWERS here. Ok? Did you read what I just wrote? Its not all flowers and chocolate and beautiful sunsets here.
Its hard times.
Its days when I feel so alone I wanna die (ok, not really die, but hey, you get the idea).
Its days when I just want to jump on a plain and come back home.
Its days when Im so desperate for a friend.
Its days when I cant wait to meet my future husband already.
But its every day when HE is with me. My God. My Father. My Comforter. My Everything. My One Whom I cling to in Times like these.
You know once I was going on a plain and there was this sweet old man who came to talk to me. But He had this bitter tone when he suddenly started to talk about God. All he said was that God is for weak. And that he didnt need God.
Well. Heck.
God is for weak. I really have no desire to be strong. I cant be strong. BUT in Him I can. I so can and I will and I am.
So jump on a plain. But jump with God and in His time.
Capture the moment and remember it.
Never let go. Promise me?
Never.

Issile.

Sinu kolm kaunitari. Just nagu sa ütlesid. Armastan sind! Ilusat ISADEPÄEVA! (:

11.11.11

WOW. I have no words. Actually I do but you know when its like something so wonderful happens and you dont know what to say. Instead you hug that person and go home dancing, smiling and making these crazy sounds of happyness. That was me last night.
I GOT A GUITAR. My very own guitar. Maybe it has happened to you before but never before to me. Well, 4 months ago I didnt even know where A-string was on a guitar. BUT HEY, the thing is I was blessed with an -a m a z i n g- guitar and I can play now. Worship. And it sounds beautiful. The sound of that guitar is just so different to the one I was practising with. Oh. I will stop now. (Ps! Ill post a pic later).
Like seriously. So blessed. Its overflowing. The blessings I mean. They are just coming and coming and not stopping. So I´ll recieve them all. Father, would you please show me why are you doing all of this? I really dont know but the thankfulness in my heart is growing. :) So yes. I am moving on.
K.

Addition: The goodness of God is in time. A few years back I was given a brand new laptop just when I needed it and a month before I came to Wales was given a new laptop, tiny one, easy and perfect for travelling. 7 months ago, the day I came to Wales, I was given a good camera to use here (my big dream for a long time). And yesterday was given a guitar that is just so beautiful I could cry. Things come to us in perfect timing. And for and with a reason! :)
This here is not written to cause jelaousy or envy. It is written so I could always remember the goodness of God. That I could look back and see His hand over thing. Written so you could continue dreaming and believing, coz thats when things happen!

...

I just realized something.
And it might have something to do with my last post.
You know. I will never be the one who is called HOT or sexy. I will never be the one with high heels or crazy amount of make up. I will always choose flat shoes instead of heels and pair of jeans instead of a skirt. I will always love hoodies over nice little jackets and comfortable clothes over silk-blouses.
And it might never change. I cant be someone I am not. I can dress up for a day. I can put all this make up on and wear nice heels. I can do that all, but thats not really me. And if I am not noticed just because I dont do that then who the heck cares. I should be noticed because I am me. Because I am Kirsika. I am so not saying that I dont love being a woman. Oh I get these days when I LOVE dressing up. When I love playing the princess game and feeling feminine and maybe even hot. But I will never choose that over being comfortable. Coz when I do that I dont feel me. I might look tons younger then I am and so what?
Oh all this frustruation over trying to fit in. We so desperately try to fit in we dont even notice we loose ourselves in this game.
I loved the red dress I wore on my sister´s big day. But wearing this dress made me realize that if people notice me just coz Im with a hair-do and make up and with a red dress, then who am I really? In every day life we dont do that. So come out, my little friend. Come out under the pressure of being someone. Of looking like someone else. If you want to wear a hoody go ahead. If you prefer flats go ahead.
And hey, what is hot anyway? It starts from inside. If you are beautiful inside then it should shine from the outside. Because then its not just being HOT. Its being a woman. A Godly woman. A woman with integrity and purity. Why do we so desperatly want to be sexy? I want to be beautiful. I want to be called beautiful. I want to be called a woman who has that special something about her. And thats not being "sexy" or "hot". Its about being who you really are. The real you.
And I think its about time for us to find that out. To find our identity in God. Coz then we are not so desperate of being someone else.
The end.

1 word: H O T

I just have to post this picture.
If you want to see more go here:
http://davidbuckweddings.com/blog/2011/11/07/chris-vaarika-hamilton-wedding-photographer-dundurn-castle/

Day 235: Autumn leaves.

I opened my eyes today with a terrible feeling that Im frozen. Opened my computer and there it was. -3 C outside. I thought Im seeing things but no. It actually was below 0 this morning. So I wrapped myself into warm clothes, put on my winter boots, a scarf, mittens and went for a walk. To find myself a wonderland. I got lost into the beauty of this place, my little Bala. Little cristals everywhere. I could see every spidersweb that was out there. Every little waterdrop. Winter is pushing in with its glory. I absolutely love autumn. I love the colours but today I greeted winter.

I think tomorrow I can enjoy autumn again. We are going on a little outing. My team has decided that we need a break and all of us are going on a boat-trip. Into wild. We all need that from time to time. To have 2 days off and enjoy what nature is offering. Actually to enjoy what God is offering through nature.

So there it is. My little entry about my day. A beautiful, glorious day.

A kiss from God. Papa.

Day 233

I think I have way too long hair. Its about time to do smth. Like something crazy. ;)Wow. The time goes by so quick I havent even noticed its Saturday. Again. We just had THE Saturday last week, what happened? Its the 5th of November in case you didnt know. Well, I didnt. Coz in my head I thought we are in October and I kept eating this yummy yoghurt until yesterday that said best before 1.11.11. So there we go. ;)
Its early. Its dark. Its tired. Me tired. Im about to go to work in an hour the same as the days before. So I dont even know what to write about.
Let me tell you about my yesterday. Well, to give you a little insight of my days here.
Woke up. Started walking to work around 7.50, made it there 8.20.am. It was glorious outside. So beautiful, everything was still, people still inside, I had the birds, the sheep, the beautiful morning all for myself. Cooked breakfast for 3 and served (well it was only 3 so no help needed there), baked flapjack, baked brownies, made soup for 30 people, cleaned 2 rooms plus all the little stuff in between. So it was a day full of running from one room to another actually. And then came home, had a wonderful shower and went back to the B&B, had a team-meal. Uh, great food and sweet company. Laugh. A lot of it.
So there we go. I was invited to another wedding. I have to decide now. Its not an easy one, coz of all the wedding-crazyness in my life the last month, not sure I can do another one. But for a company I would love to go. We will see.
AND ESTONIA. I AM COMING SOON. Like in 1,5 months or even a bit less time. I love you and miss you, my beautiful, talented, wonderful friend! Miss you tons. Billions. Kilograms. Miss you in every way possible.
K

THE guitar

I mean. I want to be good. I want to play good already. I can play quite a lot of songs without stopping, but I feel I need some advice. Someone to lead me on from what I know already. I started to learn guitar just after I came back from Estonia in the beginning of July this year. Which is like 4 months ago. The first 2 months I over-played. I practised every day a lot. Im not gonna count the hours and effort I put into learning the chords etc. But I just pressed on until I hurted my wrist really bad. I dont know if it was due to the overplaying, or work+overplaying, but my wrist was in a lot of pain. And I played a little bit less the 3rd month. But then it got worse and I had to stop. So all through October I didnt touch the guitar. At all.
And today I picked it up again. The guitar I mean. I played 25 minutes and my fingers were numb and painful which is normal, but my wrist doesnt hurt. Yay. I sang, I worshipped and I just enjoyed myself. In the presence of God. All things are possible. I have written 3 songs with that guitar already and Im ready to go on now with my studies. I just need some crazy amount on patience and maybe a bit lot guidance. So H E L P! ;)