And may the crazy.ness begin. This weekend its Võru-time. Fathers Heart Conference; Im really excited to meet my family again from all over Europe, but at the same time Im not feeling the best, but heck, feelings should not make any difference...
So next weekend its Tallinn (Oleviste Youth Group invited me to lead worship) and Paide (worship somewhere in a small church) and the weekend after that its Jõgeva youth group.
And then its 1 more week before my departure to Canada. I just cant believe Ill see my sister again after a year and 2 months... And Ill see her as a married woman. This is gonna be interesting and for that Im happy! Ill get 2 Christmases this year. Like I got 2 spring-times when I moved back from Wales! :)
Carry me in your prayers if you want to, not coz I say so! Hugs and have a wonderful-snowy wintertime!
Kirsi

Challenge

So I just wanted to share a bit about challenges. Just because there was something in my life I always wanted to own. I wanted to have a long maxi-skirt and I just could not afford one. I mean they are so expensive and honestly, I didnt even know where to look coz Im not much of a shopper (I am more like a second-hand shopper but how big is the chance to find something like that from a 2ndhand?). So I was longing for a long skirt for some years already.
A few months ago I was just going through some random pages and something caught my eye. A tutorial for a short skirt. I opened it and I made myself translate the lesson into Estonian. And a few hours later I had made my first skirt ever. Now call it a beginners luck or whatever but for me it was a challenge. I mean I knew I could NOT do smth like this. Its almost always the same, before I start something I have to go through this stage of denial and the stage of "I cant do this" and probably quite a few more stages. Anyway there I was, wearing my first skirt which didnt turn out bad AT all.
So some weeks passed and I was asking myself a question. "Can I make a long skirt? Will I be able to do that?". So I just marched into our local tiny 2nd hand where they also sell fabric. And I found this beautiful purplish color fabric and I knew this is mine. So I bought it came home and guess what? A few hours later I was wearing my maxi-skirt. And guess what? I know I could make a hundred more just because I took on the challenge and I made it. I went for it and now I have my first maxi-skirt (and I must admit, Im very proud of it!). So there you go. :)

I definitely have the coolest parents. I mean they are good in many ways, but they still know that inside Im just a little girl who wants love. When they arrived from their last Fin-trip they brought back 2 Christmas-calendars, not just for Ester but also for me, and not just chocolate-but BIG candy-calendar. Im so blessed to have them. They care so much its over my mind. I can still cry on their shoulder and be comforted. And I can be the little girl with them that I never had the chance to be when I was young. I love love love them and no matter what mistakes have been made they are the BEST!

Sometimes its the heart that tells you to do something and you just keep pushing it forward and you try to reason with God. And there comes a moment you just have to do it or else you're disobedient to God.
I had something in my heart for a few weeks already. And I kept pushing it on and on and I knew I had to give something away that's dear to me. And today was the day I had the chance to meet her. So I gave what I had and I knew it was from God because the moment it was out of my hands I felt such joy for her and probably there´ll be people who will judge me but heck. I'm so happy for her! :)

So its Sunday and there is NO sun. But oh well, I guess its very Estonian! :) Ive got 2 girls running around the house screaming and laughing so hard it hurts my head. Sometimes I wish I was younger or at least a mum or something so I would understand! ;) Ill write a longer post some other day, right now Ill go and make something yummy!

Our Mum

Our A-mazing mum has a birthday today!!! So this one is for her - WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!

!!

And my sleepless in Türi-Alliku continues. Im still sleeping like a baby which means Im not sleeping well or very little... So much is happening around me its like my head is spinning and not stopping.
Yesterday Liisi & Daniel created my Facebook "fan"page and today it has over 200 likes and the song online over 2000. I mean its crazy for me! Im not someone who is "hey, look at me and look at what I CAN DO!". Im not used to attention in that level. And Im not used to criticism. Im not used to friends looking down on me and not sharing my happiness. And neither Im not used to being publicly seen to everyone. Haha well, yes I have had my Youtube page for a few years now and also my Blog. But this - this is different. Today one Estonian Radio is broadcasting an interview with me LIVE and the song after that. Many pages are sharing this song already and I feel like my part actually in it was so tiny. Liisi did most of the job and also Daniel. Im singing the song they produced. And so much attention is on me?
And God. I mean God is actually the One that Song talks about. Its about Hope, about Not Giving Up, about God in so many levels...
So everybody, please - lets stop for a moment. This page there is not just for me. Its for "Mida tunneb süda?", its for Liisi and Daniel, its for everyone who need hope and love.
And Im actually tired of apologizing for something I love. I love music. I love singing. So judges-stop judging and haters-start loving! :) Im not out there for fame (though a part of me loves being loved, and dont you dare to tell you dont love being loved), but Im there coz I have a passion for singing, for worship.

Sleepless in...

...Türi-Alliku. I haven't been able to sleep for the last 3-4 nights. Just so many thoughts: ideas, worries, dreams, hopes, hurts, pain, its like my whole head is going crazy with thoughts.
I just wanna get it down before my mind blows up and I scream at somebody... :) Anyway most of these have something to do with music, worship, singing, God, me. Like usually, but this time deeper than ever. Because for the first time really a part of me has been up for SO many people to see. I have been very honest about my life but sometimes I forget that there´s a deeper part of me that I NEVER-ever open up even to myself.
After the song "Mida tunneb süda?" was released, it went over my mind. In 3 days there have been over 1300 plays (http://soundcloud.com/cruxmedia/kirsika-mida-tunneb) and prob quite a few illegal downloads (haha) plus so many people have sent me letters, encouraging words, words to continue, to go deeper; many have questions why haven't I recorded my own music, whats stopping me. Well let me tell you this, I HAVE exactly the same thoughts, questions. Its not that I dont want to, its rather that the time has been wrong.
I have always been involved with music, as long as I remember. I wrote these crazy weird (sometimes stupid) beautiful sad songs when I was a kid. Usually in my head, so I didnt write them down or anything, and I wrote poems, my grandma always encouraged me to do that. Man, Im thankful. But I didnt go to children´s music school, couldnt afford it. Its ok. But as time passed by I realized I have no musical education and it sucked big time. I needed to sing, needed to get it out of myself, but... So I sang in the church, in worship, gospel-music etc. Listened to tons of Celine Dion (oh that voice still gives me goosebombs --> (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzaTyxMduH4) and other then that, mostly Christian music. So see, I had no idea what I can do with my voice.
Until some years ago I went to music school. A totally different world opened up. I sang gospel, but also jazz, pop, rock, bossanova, electric-acoustic, with a band, without a band; crazy amount of different stuff compared to what I was used to. And it changed something inside of me. It made me think what I really want to do. I realized I am a worshiper and worship is something deep, deeper than any other music I could ever do. But it also showed me that people can worship so differently. And my voice, well, its God´s gift anyway, right?

But right now, well, last night I said a prayer to God because my confusion is just big. This new song, its a different world and yet its worship. See, its also a way to worship God. Its a new way and its something I wanted to do. So I beg you NOT to judge me for choosing something so different this time. Yes, its not acoustic music, yes, its not deep worship. BUT its the language everyone understands. Its music. Music unites us no matter what style, no matter what song. It unites people. And this song is so deep. I wish you could go into it the way I want to... I still don't comprehend the fullness of it but I do understand GOD in it.

I know its gonna be a long blog post but please stay with me.
Pride. Fame. Yes, I'm a person. And YES, I love attention. I love when I'm noticed, when I'm seen. And don't judge me for that. I'm just like everyone else in that area. And for that I pray to God not to go prideful, not to get lost in the world of fame. EVER. I pray to God that I can stay in Him and with Him. Because it is always because of HIM I sing even when I don't feel like it... He gave me my voice and you know, we have all made with the need for love. We all need to feel loved and appreciated. And God can do that to the fullest.

I have so much more to say but maybe next time... Maybe there will be a day Ill understand my own thoughts, haha... :)

I translated the song Ive been bubbling about into English with a help of a friend whose first language is English. So here you go, to all my English-speaking friends who have no idea what the song´s about:

What feels the heart?

Is there any hope that things will change?
Is there any patience left to wait?
Its the heart that desires,
When there´s hunger for bread.

Tell me:
"What feels the heart when there are no answers?
What feels the heart when there are only questions?
You´re searching but you cant find.
You're saying that you don't believe.
But the smallest faith can move the mountains.“

There´s hope inside of me, I'm still waiting.
For the butterfly to turn into an eagle.
The night is still dark,
Yet morning is raising its head

Mida tunneb süda?

Väike copy-paste Liisi blogist (http://gospelmixblog.blogspot.com), kus ta tutvustab oma uut laulu "Mida tunneb süda?":

"Mul on tohutult hea meel kirjutada siin blogis esimest korda enda muusikast. Eile õhtul avalikustati uus laul, mille ma kirjutasin. Loo nimeks on "Mida tunneb süda?" ja seda esitab Kirsika, kes ise on nii laulja kui laulukirjutaja. Olen tohutult tänulik võimaluse eest teha koostööd Daniel Reinaruga Crux Mediast, tänu kellele see laul kõlab just sellisena nagu ta kõlab. Kokkuvõtvalt ütleksin, et "Mida tunneb süda?" on kaasaegne pop-ballaad, mis jutustab lootuse otsimisest. Head kuulamist!"

Laul: Kirsika Maamägi
Sõnad/viis: Liisi Väli
Miksinud ja produtseerinud: Daniel Reinaru
Mastering: Arto Ruotsala
Taustalaul: Liisi Väli, Roosi Väli, Tiina Seppel

Im so excited to announce that my first single is out SOON. Like today probably!!! :) Its absolutely wonderful how it all came together. I can share bits and pieces but not the whole story. So my childhood friend had an idea and a song came out of it. A beautiful, deep, emotional, meaningful song. And she asked if I want to be a part of the project and I said YES. So a few weeks ago I went to Tallinn to record it in Daniel Reinaru´s little but good home-studio. It was such a good experience and I gave my best. So the song is out soon and I cant wait for you to hear it! :) :) Liisi is so talented and the lyrics of the song will show you how something so little can be so big.
SOON!

I think Im weird like me. And probably you´re weird like you. And thats great. But I bet Im the weirdest. :) Im discovering that the most strange things make me happy.

Lets take birds for example. Im addicted to little beautiful colourful birds. So we even bought bird-food from the store and now little balls of fat are hanging on our balcony inviting birds to feast. Oh and they know so good I love them. I mean there are so many birds usually its like a cat-fight except its with birds. I never even realized lookin at them makes me happy. But it does.
And my room. I cant sleep when one sock is on the floor. Or when something is messy. And not to mention my closet. Always in order...
Oh and of course of course a cup of tea. Never without one. I mean I drink so much tea its driving others mad around me. Esp. my mum coz all the cups at home have some sort of stain inside already. :) Oh well... Plus the way I make coffee would make everyone laugh. ;)
I love my weird parts because weird is good. It is so not bad as many would think. Weird makes us unique. We are all different.
I cant even sleep without socks on. I have to fall asleep with socks coz otherwise I wont fall asleep at all. Strange? I dont think so! ;) So lets all accept our very own "strangeness" and lets embrace it!
Red-hair-bird-lover-cherry*

Say a little...

...prayer?
Really? We say we pray for each other. Someone says she is sick and we´ll be all like, hey I´ll pray for you when I get home. Or someone posts a status about his dog and asks a little prayer and we´ll write that the dog is in our prayers...
But is it really? Do we really go home and pray or while we read status about someone´s sickness do we really take the time to pray? I mean I almost never do. I just say it to make the person feel better. And actually now I don't even say things just because I know that I probably wont pray.
AND its not ok. Dont say things you don't intend to you. Maybe you mean it with good intentions but seriously, how often to you sit behind your computer praying? Why don't you instead pray for the person straight away who has a sick stomach or headache? Why don't I DO that?

And actually. Little prayers. We have the privilege to be in contact with God all the time and we almost never use it. I went to work yesterday and just before I stepped out of the room I was like, GOD I NEED YOU NOW. I mean I cant really do it alone anymore. Tired of trying and why the heck should I? I do need Him. I do I do I do. Admit it or don't but on your own I mean its just effortless trying.

I think instead of sleeping my head goes on thinking all night long or smth like that. :D Tonight I saw a dream. Me in a white dress getting married. Not telling the name of the person who was in that dream but I woke up stirred. Something in me realized I have stopped dreaming about marriage, about wedding, about my husband. It was like heck, what happened somewhere along the way? Its as if I wasnt allowing myself to dream anymore. Im thankful for that wake-up dream...
But ohohoh its time. to go to work. I didnt want to confront you early in the morning. Just myself. ;) Hugs. And have a BEAUTIFUL Day! :)

Sometimes you have no idea what you´re doing until you´re doing it. I mean I had no idea what I was doing when I let my mum open a tube of strawberry hair-color and put it all over my hair. And I had no idea what came out of it until I washed it all off and got this purple-red-cherry-color. So I have very interesting hair now. Im not sure I like it but oh well, sometimes we have to do stupid things! ;)
And last weekend I had no idea that so many things are about to happen and stop me from doing the things I love. I told God I don't want to do anything because I was actually feeling really sad and hurt but once I stepped out and let Him take over, well, it was still not easy, BUT easier and more safe!
So here I am ready to start a new week, still feeling hurt and sad BUT never alone!
:)

...

I love this comment on one of my posts about FB a few days ago... I found it today and I just need to share it even though I have no idea who wrote it. Here you go:

Just in order to sum up what you just portrayed - Facebook is a marketplace of (and for) human beings where we can market ourselves and judge over other people´s "value". This, of course is a very general viewpoint and there is a number of things that the network is good for (maintaining international contacts, sharing or marketing your music, art, literature etc). Yet, the aspect that should be taken into consideration when talking about it is that our constant need for being "social", "beautiful" and "as good as the next man (woman)", is the source of creating the feelings of hidden enquality among a lot of people (the friends in our friendlists) that are able to view the profiles and status updates. Most post updates about: their constant travels, fabolous relationships and family time, food, great number of friends etc...A lot of people can´t afford it (not just travels but food too), a lot of people are born into situations where they just simply do not have anything like that to present, a lot of us are generally more reserved and have difficulties with presenting themselves. Yet, they do see that the people that have the natural skills to do so and obviously, do so too, get more "likes" and people simply seem to like them more. So with all that being said, we ourselves are in control of creating the standard for beauty, the standard for intelligence, the standard for what being "open" really means. I´m not trying to forbid anybody to use Facebook, no...I just found your approach very actual at these times and via being a user myself (at some point, somewhat addicted...), I´ve witnessed way too much vanity and indiscretion on it. Sometimes, from people that in real life preach for the very opposite values...

Anonymous 

Mixed up emotions are like a slap in your face.
Because at one point you can be so high up with all the good stuff that goes on around you and the next moment you find yourself crying your eyes out because your little dog is about to die.
So much good is happening around me, a lot of music stuff for example. Some projects which are wonderful and Im so thankful to be a part of these, then quite a few concerts I have been invited to sing at... Music makes me happy and smile big time. My heart rejoices when I get to let my voice out.
But then you just get the slap so loud it hurts. Morri is blind now, he cant walk properly and this diabetes is just eating him alive so we have decided as a family one of the hardest things ever. Im not gonna say no more BUT it breaks my heart.
So its as if good and bad they just walk together without even intending to. And its good and its bad.

What day is it?

Im a bit lost. Is it really Tuesday and is it really the November 6th already? Is the last weekend over and how come its a new week? I just don't get it how come the ´secret Saturday´ and ´Sunday-Monday Rakvere´ & ´today's all day long´ lecture already happened??!!! Im just like sleeping through all of this without actually being part of any of it. Thats how I feel right now. It feels surreal, unreal. :) Maybe its just me and maybe Im actually tired now and in a need of a long sleep?? Nope. Dont think so. :)
Anyway, my weekend was so good. Saturday, well its kind of indescribable, I would like to say smth more about that day, but I cant. And Sunday´s meeting where I played guitar and sang, well, it was ok. Im definitely not too happy with it coz I love singing and I love playing BUT put those two together and its just hard for me. Anyway too complicated to explain...
But yesterday´s lectures that I gave about eating disorders... I had boys in the classroom, all through 3 lectures and it was a first for me. To talk to both girls and boys. And I realized its a serious issue. They need to hear it too, my story I mean. And well, it went so good. Everybody actually listened and paid attention and Im happy I went there...
So yes. My weekend.
But today is a different day, a brand new day. plapla its actually an evening already. :D And I just had my dinner which makes me tired though I still have tons to do. The start of this week has already been busy and it continues like that. Oh well, I have someone with me Who is way bigger and mightier and stronger than I, so I shall not worry! :)
Hugs, Kirsi

Fear

It paralyses us and it wants to defeat us. It captures us and it tells us lies. Lies so big that sometimes we forget that we are FREE in God. We were meant to be free from the moment Jesus died on that cross and took all our shame, all our pain, all our fear away.
I think back to these vital moments in my life and I see that once I get over the point of fear Im able to do ANYTHING. I got my driving licence, I graduated music school, I lived in Wales, I picked up a guitar. And I must say all these things got me into a place of despair at one point or another.
There was a day I knew I'm never gonna have my driving licence. Just because I was afraid I will fail, that I will suck, that the teacher will just yell at me and that Ill just drive into another car. I saw nightmares when I was a kid that I got into an accident. But here this, in my 6 years of driving almost nothing bad has happened (Im here and heck Im driving, sometimes even enjoying it).
And there was a day or two I knew Im not gonna graduate my school. I knew in my head somewhere that Ill fail those exams coz Im stupid (lie on top of a lie) and that everything will be just one big mess. Well, I DID graduate and with the best marks to top it of.
I always dreamed of living in the UK but somewhere in my heart I was questioning that dream coz everything spoke against it. My knowledge, my value, my insecurities, all nothing but lies. And then I discovered myself there for almost 1,5 years.
And my guitar. Wow. When I was a kid I tried to play piano. I mean I actually even got one for myself, just to practice with and must say I hated it. I sucked and I had no teacher and plaplapla so I kind of gave up this dream of ever playing an instrument. Until last year when I realized I might have a chance. A friend encouraged me to go for it (to pick up a guitar) and I now, 15 months later I know Im far from perfect BUT Im sure closer than Id ever would have dared to dream.
Why this blog? Im just wondering HOW many things in my life are not done because of fear of failure. Why in the whole wide world do I even let fear paralyze me or take over my thoughts when I know my God is bigger than any of that crap. I want Him to rule in my life not some kind of fears and thoughts that Im worth nothing... So Im just writing this to remind myself (and you) HOW big He is. How he comes in when things seem impossible. And just if you haven't heard it yet, even the word impossible says "Im possible"! :)

An adventure.

This weekend is gonna be an adventure. Today Im gonna go to Tallinn to do a secret project (top secret!) and tomorrow going to Rakvere. An 18+ evening, they invited me to do some music there, basically first time performing with my guitar in front of a others than my family (well I led worship in Latvia but worship has a whole different meaning to me and somehow I get lost in God when I worship, maybe I should try the same when I sing songs). :)
And on Monday going to a school in Rakvere to talk about eating disorders. 3 different age.groups of girls. I cant wait. It just gets me excited to know that I have a chance to share my story with these girls-young women. To share and know that they´ll receive it coz my Heavenly Father is with me. :) Im really excited for this weekend, Im also afraid that things will not work out, BUT who has never failed?
I mean if I wont try I wont even have the chance of succeeding? ;) Sometimes Im so afraid to do something new coz Im like, I will definitely fail or fall or make myself a laughing object, but heck, I mean I cant live like that... I want to be adventurous and daring... And in order to be that I need to try new things. ;) I so badly wanna tell you whats about to happen today but I cant. Men, hard heh?
Alright, Im off now for a couple of days. Be daring! ;)

I had another walk yesterday. A different one to the last one. Went on a totally different way and found myself admiring the nature around me. How things are a bit out of order and how beautiful the sky is and "look the colors match with each other"-kind of admiring. On my way back picked up (well more like broke from the trees) a bunch of branches which were starting to get leafs on them??!!? So they´re on my table now in a beautiful vase making atmosphere cozy. At least Ill try to think that instead of thinking how I murdered a couple of trees (prob not but hey who knows)... :)
Anyway... Its many things going on right now in my life. Music, work, people, friendships, I-dont-know-what-to-do ideas. And Im trying to figure out how to put everything together. And when Ill make it there Ill let you know as well. :)