Friday

I feel as though I havent written here for ages even though its only been like a week. But I tell you this week has been one heck of a one. It was my first full 5-working-days-week. And Im so done now. I mean, I gotta go to work today, but tomm Im off and Im gonna try to sleep in a morning. I actually did a little trick y-day with Ester. I mean she has been sleeping snuggled up next to me all through this week and its tiring coz Im half-sleep-half-wake... So I put a mattress on the floor and she slept on a bed and I actually got to sleep. Not a whole lot, but 7 hours in a row is quite alright!

Anyway, my work is def challenging. With kids for 4-5 hours each morning and then Ester the rest of the day. My new nick-name in her school is "young mommy" which is kind of weird coz I do feel like one. I wash her, clothe her, make food for her, read night-time stories, study with her, drive her to school and back from school. A full time mum! :)
And my work, well, Im kind of like a helper to one kid in our local kindergarten. He is adorable and yesterday I even got my first hug from him, but he is someone who needs attention all the time. I dont want to talk too much about him coz my blog is public. :) Anyway I have started to love all the kids there and their little differences and similarities. Its a good starting point for me def!

My personal life is odauschfxvb hgirrfsbnölibl... ;) Im not doing bad, but Im being stretched and molded. Im doing things that I never thought possible (kids f.e.) and its def molding me to be more patient, more creative etc. Things are changing. From Someone who couldnt even be with kids for a longer time to someone who is with kids 24x7 is a BIG change.
But yes, that is my everyday life now for a while. I have accepted this and every bit of it has been my own decision coz you know sometimes we just gotta step out and see where the water carries us! The only sad thing about it all is that I find it so hard to pick up my guitar lately. Its as if everything else takes so much from me that all I can do is come home, do the things with E and go to sleep. Meeen, not ready for my own kids yet! :D

So tomorrow going on a little road-trip with a few friends. Gonna lead worship in Võru on Sunday, but we´ll start our journey tomorrow morning just to get away. :) I need this going. To be with people, with friends. And Im gonna drive my car the whole way, wheeeeee! This is gonna be interesting.
Anyway. I know I havent asked this almost never, but I need a few prayers. Im tired. And Im a little bit in a hole. I cant be up all the time, but a little would be nice! ;) I miss so many people it hurts most of the time. But as for now sending my love to you. Take care and see you soon! :)

No woman, no man, no person is meant to be alone. No one is meant to do it alone. I mean life. I mean sharing your life with someone is the most beautiful thing ever. So if you have that someone, friendship, relationship... Appreciate it. Coz nothing is more precious than that!

Today

I still look back at that day with a smile on my face. To call them a young couple brings me so much joy and happiness. The day their story was on Reporter (in case you missed it --> http://www.reporter.ee/2012/09/19/pool-sajandit-lahus-olnud-vanapaar-purjetas-abieluranda/) my grandpa called me and was like, you HAVE to watch it... What an excitement in his voice. I couldn't be more happier for them, I couldn't be more thankful to God. :) Anyway that is that and his happiness means the world to me.

But something else caught my eye this morning. I read a short update from a classmate of mine (back from high school time) and there was this great irony about some famous Estonian Christians being really drunk in Tallinn. It hurt my heart so bad. I couldn't believe it, well, actually I could and that hurt even more. Such a way to show people how much we love God and?? I know her skepticism about Christians anyway and now that? Why do we draw so much crappy attention on us? Why our actions doesn't speak out love and compassion and hope and joy? I mean, yes, make mistakes BUT don't go around being hypocrite. I seriously dislike that (I wanted to use word hate, but I think its too strong)...

But alright, I have two days off and if Im ready one day, Ill share a bit about my work with you. Until then, be who you are and show love to others. :)

Is God distant? Is He angry?

I mean I faced some questions today. In my heart. Something happened to a friend of mine. And yet again, these questions come... And Im like, what the heck? What is happening? I mean if God is always the same, never changeable then what? Why are the things happening, bad things?
But I tell you one thing even though I dont have tons of answers, my God is NOT distant and HE IS SO not angry. He is a good and loving Father and you can tell me to shut up and go away, well, I wont. Because He has promised to take care of me and my needs. And He has promised never to leave.
When hardships face me or when Im troubled, He is way closer then I think He is... He is right beside me loving me and holding me.
I know that due to the original sin we are all sinners, bad things happen. Its not that only when everything is perfect and good then we worship. Worship is a lifestyle and it should not stop when we face hardships and battles. Nono. This is where real worship starts...
My heart tells me not to worry. Its the world around me that tells me otherwise. Well, heck, Ive got a good Dad so...
Anyway gonna go to dinner now.
Oh and I had my first day at work today. Updates about that coming soon... :)

So a few words about my new job. Im gonna be a helper to someone in our local kindergarten. There is this kid who has quite a few problems so Im gonna be his personal "teacher"/helper. Whenever he needs someone Im gonna be there for him. I took that job because I need a challenge. I need something to motivate me to wake up each morning, to look forward to something. Its only 4-5 hours every day but it is something new and I need new! And I want to help that kid, I met him today and I like him. He is such a lively boy who just needs some attention and love. And maybe a little discipline, but love mostly... So Im gonna be that person for him God willing. I dont think he has some physical problem, I just think he doesn't really know what love his. It may sound sheepish and lame, but thats what I believe. Maybe there is a bigger plan behind that job why I need to be there for a while...
Anyway thats my lil update for today.
:)

So blessed.

By far the best wedding Ive been to so far and mark my words - Ive been to many! :)
A beautiful ceremony, two people in love, dance, music, cake, great food and company... Im blessed beyond words. To see my grandpa so happy with a woman he was separated with for so many years, I have no words. The story behind it is absolutely wonderful and one day Im gonna sit down with these two and write it on a paper. Im gonna write it down to pass it on to generations and generations because we need to be reminded what LOVE really is. Its about forgiveness and its about letting go of past. Moving on and allowing love to take over. Thats love in my eyes. Thats true and pure and thats gold.
Im happy to have new friends, people in my life who enrich my family. So blessed. To see my grandpa move back to his roots, in Saaremaa, where he was born and raised... Thats beautiful.

I pray to God that I can have a second chance when it comes to marriage. I pray to God that one day the man who will pursue my heart will be just for me and we will find each other in God´s timing and grace. But again, Im thankful that my eyes can witness their love-story because it gives me a new strength to wait and see what Father has for me...
Coz there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.

A kreisi dei

Yesterday sure was the craziest day in a while... Got a new phone finally which is not from ice age, then made my first skirt (which has a story) and then later mum died my hair deep-cherry-red. Looks good I must  admit...
But back to the skirt-story. So ever since I remember I have wanted to make something with a sewing machine but I was like, heck, I cant do anything, it wouldn't work out plaplapla. So I didn't. I didn't even try. Until yesterday, when I felt like this is it, I NEED to try! And I found this amazing page online where I got a teaching how to make a summer-skirt, I translated it into Estonian and boom, a couple of hours later I was holding a skirt in my hands. How wonderful is this? I mean if you never try you´ll never know! :) So from now on Ill be making my owns skirts.
And today is the day my grandpa is getting married. I promise you, there will be a lot of tears and beautiful moments shared because I mean, HE is my grandpa for crying out loud. He is not a friend or a young man getting married. He is someone who already talked of his death, someone to whom God gave a second chance and he took it, he grasped it with both hands and he is not letting go! :) In case you missed it, here is their story in short: http://virsika.blogspot.com/2012/08/its-time.html...
So very thankful and happy for them I cant even express it well! Alright. Gonna start going soon so a lot to do before leaving...

Cartoons

She taught me something yesterday. Something so beautiful I have to write it down.

But Ill go back a bit with my story before I share this.

When I was in B-school last July I heard this story about a kid who couldnt choose her favorite cartoon. So she kept saying that this is my favorite, the next moment another cartoon was her favorite and so on. Until her grandpa was so confused and so stressed that he was like fzljvxn jv??!! And then Father God told him that its ok to have many favorites...

So yesterday as I was watching cartoons with Ester something very similar started to happen. We watch one cartoon and she is all over: THIS IS MY FAV. The next moment another cartoon starts, she is like, heeey that is so my favorite... And it happened like 3-4 times. And Im smiling big coz I suddenly got it. I mean why do we grownups always choose our favorites? Why cant we just have many favorites? I remember when I started keeping my secret diaries I always did these huge lists of my favorite tv-shows, colors, movies etc. And I always had to have 1 or else... Anyway last night I was just sitting there thinking that I can have all the colors of the world and I still need to pick one as my fav? Why in the world? Who says that? Who says that I have to have just 1? 

Thank you Ester for doing that! Because you know what, I love peppermint, vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, caramel and probably tons of other flavored ice creams! ;) They are all my favorites! Just like we are all Father´s favorites! You and me and this girl who got pregnant, the lady who has sex with every other guy just to feel some sort of love, this man who lost all his money and struggles to handle his life or you and me with all our faults and goods! We are all HIS favorites! :) 

One day as I was chatting with a friend I realized I needed to sing at my grandpa´s wedding. And I was like, I dont have any songs coz the two good ones I had I sang at my parents ceremony already and I dont want to do the same songs... So the other day when I took Mr.Morri out I started to hum this tune in my head and a few words came, so I hurried back inside, sat down and wrote down their story. In a song. How they met, then had to go their separate ways and then were reunited again in God´s timing. And as I was singing it I was so touched by it coz Daddy´s timing really is perfect.

Even though most of my days I find it hard to believe.

I have all these questions like, where is my man? Why do I live with my little sister and parents right now? Where is my place? My job? My passions and my interests? 

But seeing the story of my grandpa and Ellen, its as if Father is whispering, dont worry and take chances. Dont worry. Do the things you love and LOVE the things you do now. The little things. Like taking Ester to school. Walking with a friend. Playing guitar in your bedroom. Taking dad to the bus-station. Baby-sitting your niece´s baby. The little thing.

So yes. What a strange situation Im in now. But maybe its just the way its suppose to be! ;) Coz my Dad´s plans for me are bigger than my own.

Cant wait to put on a dress again and go have fun at the wedding. And maybe even be encouraged that my man will come. On a right time. With the right motives. And with a passion and heart for me.

Love.

A beautiful day

Because (maybe) God has a bigger plan for you than you have for yourself!
Last night when we were jamming together with with a friend until 1am I realized that my dreams are MEANT to come true. Its gonna happen. My CD will happen one day and my music is gonna be public and Im gonna worship and Im gonna dance. And Im gonna have my heart shared with people. With women.
Because not maybe God has a bigger plan but FOR SURE God has a bigger plan. ;)
And my beautiful V has a birthday today. SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRECIOUS!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2xNOmR1CSw
Love you!

scary

Scary. The dreams I have. They are big. And they are not in my hands. In a way they are but when I start thinking about my dreams its like, whoah, will any of it ever happen or do I have to wait forever and when forever ends what then? The way I think is not good. To be negative is not good. Well. Today is a new day. I woke up at 8 am to take my dog out and whoah when the breath of fresh and cold air hit me in the face I was like, it really is a new day. With new opportunities and activities. With hopes and dreams. And to actually go after them is a new thing for me... Im gonna go for my dreams. This time Im not giving up. Im gonna do it. Even if Im scared and they seem too big.
I am not someone who gives up. I just needed to be reminded of that. ;)

The real stuff

Ok, so usually we post stuff on FB that we like. We post pictures where we look absolutely beautiful, best outfits, smiles, make up, suits. Or statuses where most people seem to live in a "perfect" world. A-mazing homes, decorations, food, gatherings, parties etc.
But is it real? Is this who we really are? The smiles? Is it all true? I mean if I would post a picture of myself  with baggy trousers as Im wearing right now, with no make up and with not such a big smile, would people like it? Just me with no big fancy stuff on?

I do that. Most of my pictures there and here in my blog are of happy occasions and big smiles. I love smiling, but seriously. How many times are we real? If Id be really real there I think most people would run away from my page. I have wonderful days, I have happy days. But most of my days Im struggling. With deep stuff. Im not happy 24x7. Not at all. Im not doing perfect most of the time. Nope. I have tons of thoughts which have something to do with me being too big or me being this or that and me being not enough. Questions like "am I lovable" etc. Thats my everyday life. Not a big fancy "IM good all the time". Yes, Papa is taking care of me every day and He lives in me and He knows me so well. And I love God and I love my life. But it is far from perfect. I struggle a lot with "who I am and what the heck Im suppose to do" question. Coz you know the fact that I walk with Jesus doesn't make every bad thought and struggle disappear with a finger-click.
So my challenge for myself for today is TO BE REAL. Not hiding my face when Im crying. Not running away. And just being me! With of without make up. With a nice dress or with big pants.

Im a woman. A girl. Im a daughter. Im a musician. A sister. Im a worshiper and Im someone who loves. Im beautiful. Im worthy and sometimes Im messy. I have an identity in God. I am the Eesti-girl. Im all-over-the-place. Im tidy. A dreamer. Im a writer and a singer. Im an artist. Im a follower and sometimes a leader. Im a masterpiece and wonderfully made. An everything-has-to-be-in-its-place person. Im a guitar-player. Im a learner. A hard-worker. Im a picture-taker. A dress-lover-jean-wearer. A tree-climber-forest-walker. Im a giver and a receiver. Im an addict to chocolate and ice-cream. A tea-drinker and cafe latte lover.
Im a woman.
Im someone who falls in love easily. Im honest and straight with my words. Sometimes too straight.
A traveler. An autumn-person. A choice-maker. A seeker. A book-a-holic. An English-loving-Estonian. A talker. Im Kirsi. Im me. And who are you?

...

For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.

Ester, Riga

Im somewhere in a hotel in Riga. Its 8.05am and no sleep. Nu labi. It was a wonderful evening yesterday. For the first time ever I saw gold-dust on a preacher and I just rubbed my eyes many time to see if what Im seeing is true. Later on a dinner table (uuuh we all went out to a great restaurant in downtown, yum) we discussed and shared and talked about these things - sings, wonders, miracles... Like how big are they in our lives etc. What a good fellowship. I love Riga. I really do.

Ester had her first day of school yesterday. Im so proud of her. I dont know even why. Maybe its some sort of motherly instinct or something but I love her so much and I cant wait to help her with her studies... :)
So. Greetings´n´hugs from Riga. ;)