1 week

So just wanted to share a little overview of my trip so far... Its been absolutely the BEST week in so many levels... I have been able to share, love, laugh and cry with my sister. I love her so much its crazy and this time here has been so good.
On my first evening here we were together with Chris's family. Just celebrating Christmas, eating turkey, unwrapping presents (i think I might have a problem when I go back to Estonia with fitting all my stuff into 2 suitcases)... Anyway it was just a good cozy evening and we went to bed already 8pm coz everyone were exhausted. I mean i had been traveling for more then 20 hours and I was ready to go to bed. So ready. I think I actually got over yet-lag within 2 first days which is great.
So on my second day here we went shopping 8am coz it was a boxing day which means sales everywhere... We were walking around the stores like 5 hours. Hahah, that was crazy I must say. So many people. I didnt get tons of stuff but what I got was worth it and it was also V's Christmas present for me! After shopping went back to the house where all kinds of relatives gathered to share food and hang out. And then it was time to drive to Guelph where V-Chris live... So it was such a joy to finally come here and rest (oh and we actually visited their friends just before we came home). Which we kind of did and kind of didnt (the rest I mean), coz the place needed to be tided up after Christmas and so we did that the whole day. I think on Friday we walked around stores again and visited V+C good friends and I must say their little boy was such a little sweetheart (me and little boys).
I have no memory of Saturday. Really, I just cant remember right now...
But what happened yesterday, on Sunday I do remember. We went to Toronto to Annely's church. She is an Estonian married to a Canadian just like my V is. I was invited to lead half of the worship there which I did but through rocks and stones coz for the first time ever I had to change the guitar strings, whuuu, crazy. But I did it and Im still so proud of myself, really... :) I always said that oh I have others who can do that, but heck, I managed... I did 3 songs and it was hard for me since it was me both playing and singing but I trust God that He knows why I was needed there. :)
So after church we went out with Annely and John and Aria (sweeeet baby) and then drove back to Guelph. Me and V had a wonderful evening together. The best evening Ive ever had with her, seriously. We went to see The Hobbit (I hoped for more maybe but loved what I saw on the screen) and after that went to Tim Hortons and had a heart-to-heart conversation. I have missed that so much. And man I love that girl... Really. :) Proud of her walk and journey. She is such an incredible woman.
Anyway its the last day of 2012 and Just wanted to send you a BIG HUG and dont worry, Ill be back in 2 weeks... :) HAVE a wonderful end to this year and even better start to next!!!!! :)

Canada

Canada it is. I love it here. To spend time with my sister and her husband... I just dont feel like writing long right now, so just letting you know Im all good and enjoying my time with them. :) Hugs, K!

Tsau Eesti! Näeme siis kolme nädala pärast. Kallikalli! :)

one life live it!

We all have 1 life. Non of us have 2 or 3 lives no matter how hard you may want to convince me... And we all have choices and opportunities. There are people who will say YES to new things, who will jump in and live their lives to the fullest. Maybe not the happiest at times but they will receive so much and they will see the world. And then there are people who are afraid to step out from the boat. They have their job that keeps them content, maybe an apartment that they like and own. Maybe they have everything they need but not what makes them happy. They have their money which gives them the needed everyday supplies and well, they are content.
And then there are the ones who sell their most precious values and travel to the end of the world for 3 months just to soak in Fathers love, just to take a breath of fresh air. Wow.
I think I belong somewhere in the middle. I will never be someone who will settle at something and not let new things in. Even now, at the age of 25 I have no idea what next season will bring. Yes, I have a job right now but I do not want to get comfortable. I don't want to be like so many people who will do the same job for 10-20 years just because they know what they are doing there, just because its safe. Yes, I cant wait to get married and have kids and my own place that I can take care of and make cozy but I know when God says go, I will go. Sometimes my brain says, what the heck are you doing, why all these new challenges and why all these new things. Well, its coz my Father in Heaven knows me. He knows I love adventures even if Im afraid. Even when Im so afraid Im about to pee my pants every time I take up a new challenge.
 For the last 6 years He has guided me step by step. Step by step. All the time He goes first and Im the one who goes with Him. Driving licence, Bible School, Music School, Wales-Bala, work in a kindergarten... All these have NOT been my plans but His.
When I look back at my last year 2012 I just want to cry out loud. Because its been so hard for me. And yet I have been safe in His hands. I had to come back from Wales and I was thrown into unknown. And He caught me and Im safe. I have been living with my parents and Ester for the last 8 months and its been one crazy road. But with Him. Better crazy with Him than crazy without Him... I really really want to thank YOU, my friend for supporting me. For being there for me even when I havent been there for you. We are all human-beings. We all make mistakes and fall.
But today Im thankful. That I have a job, a family, friends who love me.
Im thankful I can make music. And I know that I know that I know there will be a day my CD is out with my own songs. Coz my God is greater than any obstacle. New projects are waiting, new blessings.
And you know what, Im me. You are you. Your life is something so precious. So at that point we are the same. You and Me - we are the same. Coz we are both precious and His beloved ones.
Be so blessed on your road. Be blessed and safe with Him. But not too safe to go after your dreams and heart-desires. Be Bold and Courageous. And know that He is with YOU!

Not about this but about that.

Just something little my dad told me today...
But it got me thinking.
He said he has over 200 birthday greetings on FB and then he said with a very sad voice that its too bad no one sends real cards anymore. And that there are really no real wishes... Just these random "Happy Birthdays". I think that its just sad. Its so sad people are too lazy to send cards. Real cards with an envelope and a touch of a person who sent it.
And not only birthdays.
Christmas-time is the same. I actually sent about 10 cards out the other day and it made me so happy. To know that my card brings someone joy. Something real, something tangible, something to hold in your hands and know that there is someone who thinks about you. Thats how it was years ago and now its just a random Happy Birthday on a FB wall?????!!!?
Lets bring the real back. PLEASE!
Oh and maybe you didnt get it. Coz this post is actually not about the cards. But about the meaning and an actual contact with people you care about. Yep. Thats what this post is really about!

Ever since I started working with kids Im like one big softy. Tears in my eyes I hear stories of kids with disabilities or grownups who have problems. Tears in my eyes I write new songs or comfort a friend. Tears in my eyes I receive hugs from my mum (or dad) and tears in my eyes I looked at the pictures of these precious children who died in Connecticut.
Maybe just maybe God is changing my heart. I was always the strong one. Yes, with a lot of emotions in different levels but not the one who cried in the end of a movie or a book (which btw I do now)... Sometimes I feel my heart is just one big mess and confusion but at the same time I know God must enjoy working there coz even when I share my story with people I cry. I cry almost to everything. And maybe its not a bad thing at all... Just maybe Im in a process right now and it does me good. It was one hard weekend but at the same time so good.
"Guard your heart above all else..." The Bible tells us to guard our hearts but what do we do? We put in all kinds of lies and junk there. We fill it with sorrow and revenge and we think that's the way it should be. I want my heart to be soft if thats the only way God can use me. Seriously. Im not talking some crap here. I want to be a softy if thats what takes me closer to God. And let Him work through me - inside-out.
Id rather be someone who cries in front of God than someone who holds back her tears through gritted teeth. Id rather be close to God than far away doing my own thing. I want to be someone who is not ashamed of dancing of joy and shouting out loud... I want to be the real me.

I cried with you

Every single time I write a new song and share it with you guys its as if Im sharing myself naked. Its as if a part of me is opened up for everyone to see and comment.
This song is no different. Its the hardest one Ive ever written. Its the only one Ive written with tears in my eyes. Its the most precious one and yet the most beautiful one.
Listen to the lyrics, embrace it and be comforted by it!

http://youtu.be/CQ3dCGPSHuE

I CRIED WITH YOU

I see children die,
No, it wasnt God´s plan
I hear parents cry:
Why it happened to our child?

I see broken hearts,
Questions rising everywhere.
What happened to our world?
What happens to us now?
Tell me where were You?
Where were You?

I tell you I was there,
I saw your pain.
I tell you I was there,
I cried with you.
I tell you I was there,
My heart broke with yours.

But I promise you one thing:
They are safe with Me now.
They are safe with Me.
15.12.12

Tears in my eyes as I read about the shooting in Connecticut. My heart goes out to the families and friends of these beautiful precious kids. :( 

Please hug your kids, sisters, brothers, parents, friends, loved ones today, tell them how special they are and just share love! Lit a candle and think how lucky you are to have a family!

"Do YOU not trust me, my Child? I have the BEST plans for you and YOU will see what I can do!"

The heart

What if your heart tells you one thing but your mind says something totally different? What if you know that your heart is right and your mind just wants to be "rational"? What if your heart tells you to go for it and your mind says: "Stop! Everybody will judge you and there will be people who will point their fingers at you and whisper behind your back!"... What if?
My what if´s are no better than yours. They are all just trying to stop me from doing the things I love. These "what if´s" just whisper lies into my mind constantly and heck, if I listen to them then for sure Im not going after my dreams...
Im someone who lives outwardly. I keep very little to myself. My "dark" secrets maybe. Not a lot of those but everyone has their past. Right? Im open to new people and Im social. I love life and I love people. And for that Im judged. And so what? I love music and for that Im judged. So what? I do different things and for that Im judged. So what? I mean if Id look at only that I would never be able to do the things I love. Im not the type of person who can sit behind a desk from 8am to 5pm and be happy with my life. Im a traveler, a lover, a woman, a girl, a princess, a singer, a musician-worshiper, Im crazy and sometimes I cry big time, I laugh a lot and when I SING I smile a lot coz I love music, I work with kids right now and I have been to so many countries and lived in so many different places Ive stopped counting. Im ME!
So often I discover myself judging others. By their appearance, by their ability to do something, by their job, by their hair-color. We do that. We cant see past these things and into their hearts. But there´s someone who can. And who never judges. My Father. And He is teaching me patience. And love.
But I mean if I cant love myself how can I love others? How can I listen to my heart when all I do, is look what others see in me and how others see me? Thats why its sooo freaking important to start loving yourself with your goods and flaws. So that in the end you would not listen to other´s telling you things, but you own heart because you believe in God and in yourself.
So I wanna be someone who follows my dreams. My life. With my Father! I dont want to be a shadow of someone else and their words. :)

"Yes"

Sometimes I have no idea what Im getting myself into when I say "yes" to something or to someone. Yesterday was one of those moments. A friend called, invited me to sing in Tallinn, I said "yes" and a few hours later realized I have even no idea where Im going, what event this is and how long Im suppose to sing, lead worship etc etc. I said yes in faith but the reality hit me later. So today while checking my FB I saw what event this is. ITS BIG one. Not a small gathering, but a big Christian-gathering of Russian people and I speak 1% Russian. I cant even pronounce right the things I know. OH HELP! Its gonna be live on Russian TV and I said YES??? Seriously, girl, what are you thinking? But the thing is I know I have a good Father and my mum just looked me in the eye a few minutes ago and said that instead of me thinking that Im going there with Father I should think that Father is going there with me. How much better that is? :)
Anyway Im taking Mirabela and my dad and God is taking us all! And a few hours later we have a worship-time in Oleviste Youth-meeting. So quite an upbeat day! I have NO idea what to look forward to but I know my Father does... :)

Christmas

So its December yet again. In 3 weeks from today Ill be in Canada; let the countdown begin. The knowledge I get to spend Christmas with her and her hubby after SUCH a long time makes me smile. Smile big. She is, they are are part of my family. A big part of my heart and I love them more than my Christmas-calendar f.e. :) But seriously... I cant even remember the last time we were together on a Christmas-day. So this year is gonna be special. Very special.
Ive opened 4 windows on my Christmas-calendar. And today was the first time I got candy that I like. Happy me... Anyway its gorgeous outside and not so cold. I have a seminar today about autism and Im actually looking forward to hearing about that disability. Im working with a kid who has needs and every piece of information helps. Even though I know in my heart that the biggest help is my Dad in Heaven. I can carry the message of LOVE with me every day through my smiles, hugs, touch. Even though sometimes (ok who am I kidding, most of the times) its hard as rock. But the thing is no matter how bad the behavior Father still loves them, Father still wants to embrace each and every person. Including me.
Im actually having another weird week. I have no job, H is sick so Im just doing my thing. Excited about Friday, first time going to lead worship in Tallinn, never done that before so thats something new and something that makes me happy. I can carry the message of love and the heart of worship. :) And Ill have the most interesting team with me this time so...
AAh and what a surprise we had on Sunday when we came back from Võru. MARIA was here with Benjamin... They are so much fun to have around. And it was a pleasure and joy to meet him. What a wonderful man for her. Im happy! :)
Labi, snow snow snow snow!

Time in Võru

I just have to write it down coz its so fresh right now. The memory is carved into my heart but as for now its fresh and new. So this weekend we had a Fathers Heart Conference in Võru and it was absolutely one of the best conferences I've ever been to. Not so much sleep-wise but spiritually, emotionally it was just so good. So much attack before the conference; to so many people who were responsible; speakers, worshipers but the more attack the more God wants to do! And He spoke so clear through Tommy this weekend it just cut through my heart. A word was spoken and it was spoken straight to people. Straight to me. So Im just thankful... I know Im called to worship, but somehow that knowledge is so much stronger now. So much deeper and no matter how hard it is or how stressed I feel or sick... My heart desires to worship and bring Him praise!
The Rose of Sharon! :)