Day 196: Excitment

10 days.
10 days.
10 days.
In case I didnt say, then I have 10 days left until I get to see my family. And this time not only mum+dad+Ester but also Vaarika. I have tears in my eyes coz I miss them so so very very much. Wow, my whole family is finally together. I just saw some pics of Ester +V kissing and hugging and it just made me miss them even more.
Only 10 days. :)
And only 3 days til I get to go to Germany with Susi. Oh men, I saw a bad dream tonight about forgetting my suitcase and then the plain leaving without me. Not that non of it is real, but these 2 trips really are coming closer and so is the excitment growing bigger. :)
K

Day 193: These times...

...are gonna be crazy. Let me tell you whats happening and gonna happen:
This week we have a Father´s Heart School in our B&B! On the 2nd of October (in 6 days, straight after school) Im gonna fly to Germany for a week.
After that Im going straight to Canada for 2 weeks.
Back from Canada, we have a week full of wedd.preparations for N+S´s wedding in Bala.
After that we have another school in our B&B.
And in the middle of all that I NEED to find a time to rest coz other wise all of this seems a bit too crazy. And then again, it has been my own choise and free will to be a part of these things. :) Right? We make our own choises and decisions. No one is forcing us to do anything. So sometimes instead of grumbling that there is not enough time, we should sit down and make some changes in our plans, right? ;)
Yesterday I cooked dinner for 19 people. It was a bit crazy but I had a wonderful helper. Actually it was more like a team of 2, everything was done together. And on top of that I made 2 cakes and a BIG trifle, so it was a day spent in kitchen which I never ever mind! If you know me, I loooove baking. :) Cooking not so much, but baking, mmmmmm. Makes me happy! Today is another day.
Oh and SUSI is here. Thats wonderful, I was a part of worship yesterday and actually all the days of this week. I love love love love it. Did I say I love it? ;) :) :) It feels so good just to be able to be in a team filled with love and care for each other. Each member of this family in our little B&B is packed with love. They care for me so much. I mean, sometimes its like they see straight through me. I have had a few hard days now, something´s going on inside of me to which I dont have any explanation and they just care for me. They love me unconditionally. Thats whats a family is all about! :)
Alright, have a great week ahead of you. Take it as a gift from God, ok? :)
Love, Kirsi

Day 191: Castle & Beach

What a wonderful combination of fun it was yesterday. We left Bala around 10am and came back around 5pm. What a beautiful day out with Paul and Beate. A lot of laugh, ice cream, princess-stories, dragons, sand, sea, bare feet on that sea, warm feeling of sunshine, tons of wind, the day of contrasts! :) But it sure was fun and I just felt good being out of B. My days off are sometimes just so good I cant even describe them ((and sometimes not, so thats why it was especially special)). I am thankful for my Dad in Heaven and dad in Wales for making all this possible, sometimes it feels like I live in a dream. :) Above are a few pics of my fantastic adventure! :) (PS! I found the man of my dreams as u could see)! ;) Hihii

...

My heart starts pounding faster when I think about how beautiful she is gonna look on her day. How I get to be there for her and maybe even hold her hand for a second or two.
How I get to wipe tears secretly and how I get to sing to her...
My heart starts pounding...
I love her and I am more then excited. This feeling inside, its indescribable!
:)

Day 188:

Day 186: It is early.

It is very early. Like usual. And Im up. Like usual. Well, today I am suppose to be up, workwork.
Let me tell you a bit about my people here:
I love my people at work. They pick me up whenever they can. They bring me home when a car is available. They feed me when I have no food. They pray for me and with me. They love me when no other love is around. They love me when there is plenty of love. They talk and walk with me. They take me out to a cafe when Im in a mood of celebrating. They say they love me. I believe them. They laugh with me and at me. Well, you have to admit, I am quite funny from time to time. ;) And they are just unconditional with me. I mess up and it is not a problem.

And I know, I wish I had more people here. And its all good. And I wish I´d meet my man already. But its alright. Coz Ive got them. Them are not a lot. But them are wonderful.
:)

And I just wanted to share my page on YOUTUBE again incase u havent heard these 2 songs. I promise, in December you can wait for more to come:
http://www.youtube.com/user/kirsika21?feature=mhee
Love, Kirsi
Ps! Have a great day. And if you feel there is nothing great about it, think about the people who love you. And if you think you have no people who love you, then think again! ;)

Day 184: NOT acceptable!

I am angry. I am angry at devil who is trying (I am not saying that always successfully) to destroy people. I am not going into every aspect of his trying. But I am talking about women now.
I had a conversation with someone dear to me today. And heard some news about a few women whose lives are falling apart. And not because they have no money or their families are in trouble. Nothing like that. But because of their self-image. Because of their ideas of a "perfect body" which is screwing up their minds and hearts. I am so angry right now I cant even express myself. I heard about a father who is telling her daughter that she has a fat ass. That daughter has anorexia. That daugther has bulimia. And that daughter is almost giving up. She doesnt eat anymore. She doesnt see any solutions. She has been to hospitals. And she has no hope. NOW. I ask you, what kind of a father says these things to his daughter? WHAT KIND? I tell you. A father whose mind is consumed with images of "perfect women". A father who thinks that this "little joke" doesnt harm anyone. But I tell you. As a daugther of a good father I could have never ever bared my dad to say anything like this to me. I am so happy that my family supported me through my eating disorders. And I know my family has God. They had hope and they never gave up on me.
But still. We live in a world filled and packed with images of a so called "perfect body". But I tell you what is perfect. GOD IS PERFECT and He has created each and every one of us perfect in Him. Only in Him and through HIM we are someone special. So NO one has the right to tell a 16 year girl that she has a fat ass.
I was in a hospital in 2006 together with a girl whose parents had totally messed up her young beautiful mind. She was only 14 and she had been struggling with her self-image since she was 8 years old. Now. HEY, ARE YOU LISTENING. She was 8 years old! 8. I couldnt believe her story. Her dad was constantly on her back that she needs to loose weight plaplapla.
Ok, I also know that this world, that we have thousands of people who are overweight and are struggling. BUT BULIMIA and ANOREXIA (and over-eating) ARE NOT SOLUTIONS. This stuff is a result of something deeper. God is a solution. I wouldnt be here today if I wouldnt have gone to HIM and HIM only with my problems. I am still fighting every day with ideas and mind-games but He is right beside me.
So, what hope has a girl in this world when she doesnt know God, when her family is on her back, when her so-called friends tell her that she is fat, when magazines tell her that size 34 is beautiful? WHAT HOPE? We are the hope. God has opened my eyes. I mean, seriously. I have never given up on my dream to help women who are struggling. We have a chance to change things. Because we know the truth.
Men, do not think that flat stomach and skinny legs makes a woman sexy! Sexy has to start inside. If your inside is broken, there is NOTHING sexy about that.
My dear readers, please think about this. If you see someone who is struggling with their self-image, please show them God. Show them the way He sees them. Show them there is another way. There is a way to heal. And over-weight has a solution. And its not starving yourself. It is fixable with proper eating and healthy life-style. I know. Ive been there and done all of that. And Im not a shame of that.
And please please please do not encourage young women, young girls to loose weight unless their weight is totally unhealthy! Baby-fat will go away when these young girls turn into women. I wish I had known that when I was 14, 15. I cannot turn back time. I cannot change the past. But I can change the future by helping others to know the truth.
And your heavenly Father NEVER looks down on YOU! He has made YOU perfect! Sometimes instead of a long and hard solution we try the easy solutions. Life with God is not always easy but it is good. And it has an eternal value. And easy solutions wont last. Starving myself almost made me loose my ability to ever have babies. Starving myself almost killed me. On weight 43 I had nothing on me anymore. Skin and bones.
I have tears in my eyes. Seriously. Beautiful women. Beautiful YOUNG ladies. Please. I beg you. Instead of running away from your inner problems, run to God. Run to your friends who you trust and who wont bring you down. Instead of controlling everyone and everything around you, let God be in control. And find help. And learn how to recieve that help.
I mean, I still have bad thoughts. Almost every day. Like yesterday. I know, I was treated with this gorgeous cherry-cheesecake which was delicious. And I got into battle in my head straight away. It just went on and on and on. "Oh now you ate that and you cant have a lot today", "Oh, that was a calorie-bomb", "You are gonna gain now" and so on and so on. But the truth is, I know that non of it is true. God is truth and the truth will set YOU free!
I could go on forever right now. Because my heart hurts to hear these stories. My heart aches so bad. I know, we live in a world where so much is messed up. And maybe you say, there are much more horrible things. YES there are, I agree with you. But everything starts from somewhere, right? And nothing happens just out of a blue. I know that I havent been through this for nothing. I have a chance to change someone´s life. And it is beautiful. So this is your task now. Think about your heart. Think about what is important. And scream it out. Live your life to the fullest. And enjoy life. Enjoy a piece of cherry-cheesecake. Or whatever cake. But dont take life for granted. Coz He gave it to you. And He LOVES YOU. No matter how messed up you are He takes you back.
So. Stop. Think. Help. Come out of this box! This world is in a box and it has stupid rules. Rules of how we should look like and how not. But you live according to God´s love and you will see changes.
Please, write to me, if something is not understandable. I am really sorry if it touched your weak point, but I wrote about how I feel. I wrote my heart out here.
Love, Kirsi

A princess

I hope you have seen The Princess Diaries because thats me. Before and After! ;)

Day 182: A new day indeed

Its 6:04 am and in an hour Im going to work and serve 14 people their breakfast! It is a whole new day and everything I do today I want to do with a good heart. Its been so very freaking hard to have a pure heart the last 2 weeks.
I want to tell a bit whats been going on. I tried to write a blog yesterday like 5-6 times and erased my text every time just because I couldnt go on. It was hard. So here I am today, trying again, hoping to succeed. I am in a better place this morning. So here I go...
Paul-Rosie had a holiday. Rui-Chi had a holiday. And Nathalie left to Holland. Vicki had to leave for a couple of days. So there I was, the only volunteer in the house with Robert. And finally with Vicki as well (+ 1 lady who came to help, but for me, not so much of a help, coz she is someone I can not really relate to if you know what I mean). Anyway. It was ok for a while until we all got tired. And if a team is breakable then its hard to work together. We did our best, we managed. And Im so thankful we have our chapel-times, without that I dont know how we could have done it all. (Something good and strange happened actually with that, I had a chance to lead worship 2 times this week and it was wonderful). And now finally everyone (well, except N) are starting to flow back here, for which Im more then grateful.
But see, my heart. Its been in a hard and heavy place. Until yesterday morning I noticed something while serving people. For the first time I could choose to be over the bad and crappy things (Im not here to judge so Im am not telling you the details of the things that have happened) and serve people with a smile. Apologize when things went wrong and move on. I did say a couple of cuss words to myself occationally and went outside like 3-4 times to breathe, but I didnt give up. I countinued serving. A year ago, maybe even 6 months ago I wouldnt have been able to do that. To be in this point where Im like "Kirsi, you know it sucks, its bad and you want to run, but stay! Stay and choose to serve. What you give and do is serving these people of this B&B and how you act is showing them how you love!" So there I was. Continuing. Not running! And for the first time even I saw myself aside. And I liked what I saw! :)
Wow, I can write this blog and I havent erased it yet. And not gonna probably.
So. God has brought me to a place of learning patience. Of learning gratitude. Of learning to love without conditions. Of learning to work with people with whom it is hard to work. Of learning and growing in Him. And I am not in a good place at all still. But I want to trust and see Him. I am honest with you, I haven opened my Bible since I came to Bala 6 months ago. And not because I dont want to but I still cant. I dont know where the roots are. And why I cant. But I know there will be a day and I cant put the Bible aside anymore. I know also that this day wont be far. And the thing is, I am also doubting so many things, but He is somehow IN control. See, I love God. No matter how shitty I FEEL or think or am. He has always been a part of my life and always will. I could date boys who are not Christian but I cant. I love God too much and I cant
change that. Thats who I am.
And Im still praying for Daddy to bring friends here to me. I am already believing its all coming. And what will happen I dont know. Maybe Ill meet some local people, maybe He will send someone for far. I still find it easier to talk to foreigners here then local people. So Daddy, I thank You for You are in control! :)
So now you know How Kirsi has been doing.
Just 1 more week and we have a school here. For which I am happy. A little change to our rutine.
Just 2 more weeks and Im going to Germany.
And 3 more weeks and Canada, here I come! :)

And please. If you pray, I dont know... wow I have never asked that. But please pray for me. Pray that I would know what to do after March, to stay here or to go. Pray for my family (Esters whole hand is in plaster. And my mum has a throat infection and they are all flying to C in 12 days). Pray that I would find a friend or friends. And pray that my CD with Susi in 2 weeks would work out, that we would flow together and the CD will be amazing! :)

Have I ever told you that I actually have wonderful friends all over the world. And that includes you, my dear friends. I have been a bit grumpy lately, wondering if I am forgotten. But bad thoughts, they have swam away coz I dont want to linger in these thoughts. I have amazing people in Estonia, in Latvia, in Finland, in Holland, in America, in Canada... Everywhere. And I love you. I love you so very much and wish you could all visit me here, to see the beauty of Bala. I had this sweet call to Estonia to a friend (back from music-school times) yesterday. And I realized how much I am loved. Its just that people have a lot to do. And not these days, but all the time. And its not that we forget each other, we just move on with our lives sometimes. We continue our everyday lives without noticing that someone went abroad or stayed. But then, we remember. And we do something small. Like send a card. Just to remind them that we love them. So after the call he texted me how much he misses me. And I smiled like an hour after that. I couldnt put that off. I was happy. Little thing. Such a little act. Such a small word. He misses me. And it changed my whole being. Into a better person. Cant even explain that. So thats why I know, that whenever I post a card, send a text, a letter or a sms, it makes someone happy. Do other what you want people to do to you! :) Makes life a whole lot easier!
I am writing and cant stop anymore. Hihi. I think I have to though. Shower calling. I can hear it. ;) Alright. Be well. Trust God. May His favor be with you today and tomorrow and the days to come! I mean it. These are not just words. His favor is the best thing ever! I know! :) Trust me in this one!
Yours,
Kirsi ;)

Maria ja Mirabela

Mu kahel armsal kaksikul on täna sünnipäev. Mõlemad on MINU õed (võibolla mitte emade-isade poolest, aga südames oleme me väga õed)! Minu kallid Maria ja Mirabela. Palju õnne teile! :) Olete nii erinevad ja nii erilised. Ma igaks juhuks ei hakka kõike siia kirjutama. Ok, natuke võib... Maria ja sinu küpsisepallid, nii, kui me täna kuskil koos oleks, siis ma sinu auks teeksin sulle neid! Ja Merku ja autod ja elektrikitarr ja ja ja Merku on Merku. Mõnus ja muhe ja tead Merku, sa oled armas ka! ;) Maria, sa ka!!!!!!!
Nii et M&M HAPPY YOUR-DAY!
Kallistan kõvasti ja igatsen ka päris palju! ;)

Päev 177: sügis

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These are my emotions just about now. I dont know. I actually didnt mess up or anything. And I actually had a pretty good day off, well, that up to until 2 hours ago when something strange happened.
I was sitting quietly in our lounge, watching something and this crazy alarm just starts. With NO reason whatsoever. I had just cooked dinner and there was no smoke, nada, nothing. And I freaked out, seriously. I didnt know what to do, panicked. yay. So there I was, running everywhere, trying to figure out what to do. Then opened our front door, thank God the kebab-boys where there, they came, called the fire-department, so suddenly there were these 2 big fire-cars and like 10 people checking our little apartment. Oh and Robert came as well... And I felt so guilty. I felt guilty yes, but why? Why in the whole wide world did I feel like that when I had done nothing. I tell you why, because thats what we do. We blame ourselves, we let the liar lie to us. And my heart was racing like crazy. Im so thankful that we actually didnt have a fire. I mean seriously... But in a way I WAS like, what did I DO? And the answer is, nothing. It wasnt my fault that it went off. It wasnt. But I believed it was. Somehow in my heart... Ok, I broke something when I tried to reset the system, but that was fixable (a guy came like 30 minutes ago and fixed it).
I know now that I need to have a "how to react when an alarm goes off" teaching session soon. Like next week for sure. In my heart I feel it is not right to leave it like that... so Yes.
But back to the whydidIfeelsoguiltything... The feeling of guilt is never from God. The feeling of shame either. So what do I do now. I tell you, I am letting go. It was so NOT my fault, non of it. And Im thankful instead. Yes. Thankful that no harm was done.

And I actually did have a great day. Had a nice walk, baked a delicious apple-pie-thingy, ate ice cream, cooked curry... did my art-things... So yes. :)
K

09-09-2011-Vaarika

Palju õnne, mu kullatükk! Ma olen nii õnnistatud. Mul on kaks imelist õde ja üks neist saab täna päris vanaks. 23!!! Ja varsti see "vana" tüdruk abiellub ja siis mul on õde, kes on abielus! Vaarika, sa oled eriline. Sa oled minuga natuke sarnane ja päris palju erinev! Kiisu-silmad on meil mõlemal, aga jalad on sul pikemad. Ok, see ei olnud päris see, millest ma kirjutada tahtsin. Vaata, see pilt siin. See on tehtud lennujaamas, kui me kõik sind nii pingsalt koju ootasime palju palju aega tagasi Kanadast (vist oli 2009 kevadel, kui ma ei eksi) ja Ester ei jaksanud enam oodata. No ta siis puges sinna ääre juurde ja otsustas seal oodata, et ehk tuled kiiremini. Samasugune hull ootus on meil neljal praegu, kõigest tsipa veel. Minu lend ongi 9-s Oktoober, täpselt 1 kuu veel ja saan sind kõvasti kõvasti kallistada ja musitada jälle. Ära muretse, ma ei kavatse sind terroriseerida. ;)
Armastan väga.
Kirsi

Day 174: When He molds...

...and challenges and changes you it is not always easy. I tell you it is not.

When Robert picked us up in the morning (me and Iveta, she is here for a week, to check this place up, just like I did in February) the first thing he told me was: "So, Kirsi, would you like to know the bad news first or the good news?" and my heart sank, I was like, what now... So of course I said bad news and he said I have to cook breakfast alone for 12 people because Vicki had to go away for 3 days coz of some unexpected stuff. And Im like, Robert whats the good news and he just smiles and says, good news is that you will do just good. Great. So there I am, in a car, thinking how in the world will I manage. Its my 4th time cooking breakfast ever for so many and 1st time without no-one teaching me. And I just threw myself into Gods hands at that moment. I knew that without His peace, I would just sink. And I didnt want to sink. I wanted to be successful. And we DID IT. It went great, I was so calm and Iveta was such a great help and... ooh meen.

Seriously moments like this you just want to run. I wanted to jump out of that car and go back to my bed, cover my head under the covers and cry. I have had a hard week behind me. A lot of changes, a lot going on inside of me. But the thing is, Daddy has been with me. Knowing or not knowing it, doesnt matter. He is there, HE IS HERE. With me. Let me explain: Rosie-Paul are on a holiday. Nathalie went back to Holland for 3 weeks. Rui-Chi is on a holiday. Vicki had urgent reasons to leave for 3 days. One of my only friends in Bala has to leave country tomorrow coz of some crappy reasons... So here I am. HSFEKUHFIFUB feelings. But I am praying Dad to give me friends. It is not easy to live abroad not having and knowing people. I mean, the holiday people are coming back but N is getting married soon and she´ll leave for sure. So there is no one my aged here. So my prayer is to have a friend. :) We all need ppl around us. I am a people´s people. Ive said that before...

And the rain. The rain just keeeeps pouring. I had a bit of fun yesterday with that. Put on my pink rubberboots and just jumped into the mud-puddles. Like a little 3year old. I think I never want to grow up. :) I just finished watchin Enchanted... Princesses and Princes. What a lovely story. I am so gonna get married one day. I am a Princess, I so am! :) Oh true love´s kiss. I am a dreamer. And that a good thing...

I dont remember the last post that was so all over the place. But my thoughts are random these days so I guess its fine. Forgive me my dear blog-reader. :)

LOVE

Kirsi

Day 171: Well

That went by fast. My 2 days off just dissapeared suddenly. Like seriously? What happened? I didnt even do anything. Ok I did some things but nothing special. Ok I didnt really have money for that anyway... :) Let me tell you, if you think Im here for a fortune then ure badly mistaken. I get weekly money since Im a volunteer and most of it has gone under Canada tickets and money I would like to spend there etc. So Im not here for money. Im here for a family and because I feel I need to be here. Until Dad tells me to move on. And until He opens another door, Im here. Take it or leave it.
And sometimes I wish my friends would come and visit me. Oh meen I never felt more lonely then in the last 2 days. Nowhere to go, no-one to visit. It is hard sometimes. Its not all flowers and butterflies for me here. I do have a family, a great one indeed. BUT when it comes to my time off. Bala is small. And the people here dont really welcome new people with open arms. Welsh people, well they love each other, but we are just random someone from somewhere random who gets an occational smile and thats all. In 6 months time I havent made not even 1 local friend. All we get is these young guys throwing balls in our windows and ringing our doorbell tons of time to get the new girls attention. How bad is that? No complaining uh? :) Well Kirsi is made of flesh and blood and sometimes I do need a little place to let my mind out. And if my blog isnt that place then where else? ;) I am not sad or anything, I am not saying I want to come back to Est now. I am just a bit errrorish. I need more people. I am a people´s people and I love just inviting friends over for food and a good cuppa. Or just watchin a movie or staying over... So Im praying for something new to happen. Coz I dont want to move away from here. Not yet.
I absolutelylyutttelyutley am so excited to go to Canada in 1 month. I am gonna be a part of something amazing. I tell you, seeing your younger sister getting married is gonna be hard and tearful BUT so worth it. :)
Oh have I ever told you my 2 weaks spots? Wll I tell you now. ICE CREAM AND DARK CHOCOLATE. I can never say no to these. Just saying. ;) Wink.

Day error.

A day off equals Kirsi is making good food!!!!

Day 168: September

Ja käes ongi 1.September. Päev, kus pisikesed ja suured on läbi aastate kooliteed alustanud. Minu kool on nüüd teist aastat elukool. Ja ma naudin seda, et ei pea klassi minema, õpetajatega tutvuma, klassikaaslastega suhtlema (haha, mulle päriselt ei meeldinud see "No kuidas su suvi siis ka möödus" küsimus)... :) Igal juhul hea on. Olen siin oma kodu leidnud, mis ei tähenda, et ma ühel päeval tagasi Eestisse ei tuleks või siis kuskile kooli ei läheks, aga olen õnnelik.
Eile oli meil tiimiõhtusöök. Mul tuli nii kodutunne. Tegime pajarooga ja pärast olid taevas tähed ja selline Eesti sügisõhtu tunne tekkis. Üks teine igatsus tuli ka, aga sellest ma ei räägi. Ma pigem elan üks päev korraga ja naudin hetke, kui mõtlen asjadele, mida ei ole ja mida ainult Isa teab ja küllap Ta ütleb mulle ka, ainult et õigel ajal! ;)
Ja üleeile käisin Paulil-Rosiel külas. Oi oi oi, küll oli hea toit, mis Paul minu auks küpsetas. Ja pärast mängis ta kitarri ja ma õpetasin talle FREEDOM Eesti keeles selgeks. No tähendab, mina naersin ja tema naeris, aga hakkama saime.
Oot, kas mu Eesti keel on väga puine? Tundub nagu kirjutaksin mingit klassikirjandit... haha...
Anyway. So here I am. Its the 1st of September and on the 2nd October already I will leave this place for 3 weeks. Its gonna be amazing times ahead. Im gonna help my friend record her 3rd CD and then off to Canada I´ll go. To see my baby V getting married. Seriously. She is getting married. V IS GETTING MARRIED in 49 days! :D
I want to get married. I want to have a baby one day. And my own home. And this dream is just way too big for me to handle so Daddy keeps it in His heart and deals with it in His own timing! :) Alright. Gotta get ready for my everydaylife here.
Ooh and I cooked breakfast for 14 yesterday. First time. ;) Every other time I usually serve and the most Ive cooked for is 6 so far so they´re training me out!
K