tears...

...keep falling.
Havent cried that much never before in my life. This week has been crazy.

God I need You to wipe away my tears and hold my hand; be close to me. I need You right now!

Tiger

So here is the thing... I dont really see myself as a tiger.
But here is another thing: God does!
I can fight alone, I can do things on my own...
But together with God I have a strength of a tiger, I have wisdom that can change something and I have courage to step up to what I believe.
SO I believe that I am a tiger. Well, of course not a real one but picture this: this little heart of mine is as strong as this little fellow´s.
I dont have stripes, but I have something more important, I have my faith. I have God.

Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Again...

and again I get this one sentence from God...
Sometimes we need to let go of the things we love coz when they come back to us they were ment to be, if not then it wasnt right (or it wasnt from God).
This is about people in our lives, about different situations, maybe something we love, someone we love.
This time its hard for me. Not gonna explain it here, too public place. But the most important thing is that God knows, He sees...
So often I start to worship things or people more then God and then He comes and tells me that. First I ignore and after it hits me Im like hurt and I need to lay down my knees in front of Him to ask forgivness. I need to be humble in front of my Creator and sometimes it wont come easy. It comes through pain and hurt.

Its wasnt easy, to come back to Tartu. I wanted it so much but in same time I was lost somewhere this summer. My heart is in another place and its hard to be here. I was amazingly glad to see my old friends again, but there is a but.
I love my friends, I really do. Its just that I feel different here this time. Tartu is a different place for me then it was last year.

I wanted my school to start BUT its gonna be hard.
Coz I have a job now. Im gonna babysit kids. Starting tomorrow. Excited??? mmmmmmaybe. Its more that I know that I needed money and this door opened in right time. So its my first day tmorrow. We will see how its gonna go. I will give my best. I want to give my best in everything I do and I know that God will do the rest.
And its gonna be hard coz my teacher has a lot of other requirments from now on... HIGH requirments. And we need to step it up, we need to follow these rules, his rules. Its good in same time. I need to work harder to get through. Again I will give my best. I want to.

The end.

Little things from my room that I love...

How Beautiful you are my darling, there is no flaw in You... Song of Songs 4:7
Veereta Jehoova peale oma tee ja looda Tema peale; küll Ta toimetab kõik häsi! Laulud 37:5

Laulge Temale uus laul, helistage hästi pillikeeli hõisetega! Laulud 33:3

Hoia oma südant enam kui kõike muud, mida tuleb hoida, sest sellest lähtub ELU! Õp.s.4:23

Im gonna...

shut up now.

Pigeons

Pigeons and doves constitute the family Columbidae within the order Columbiformes, which include some 300 species of near passerine birds. In general parlance the terms "dove" and "pigeon" are used somewhat interchangeably.
In the New Testament a dove is the symbol of the Holy Spirit.

Now my dear friend, ure probably wondering why the crap is she writing about pigeons... Well the answer it pretty simple. Because for 5-6 days those stupid birds have been behind my window fighting or making love. Its sounds stupid I know but I dont know what to do with them anymore. I have tried to scare them away by knocking at the window or by yelling at them but they wont leave so Im kind of confused. What next?
And the thing is that when I change the room they seem to follow me. Right now Im in the living room and guess what? They were just behind the window. In the mornings I wake up to the lovely sound of pigeons. Yesterday when I was cleaning I suddenly saw one one them who had no feather anymore. Well it had some but most of it was lost. This thing looked su ungly so I almost threw up...
So I decided to look up some information about pigeons, doves and what I found? That a dove is a the symbol of Holy Spirit. So I was kind of wondering here that maybe God wants to remind me something through the birds that I kind of hate... Yeah, pigeons and crows are basically the only birds that Ive always hated, sounds cruel hah?
Well here I am thinking what is going on. We have never had any birds except Hirundos outside our window or balcony and now there are like MANY pigeons flying and making my day... So maybe, just maybe God has something to say to me...

Vaarika...

...ma pean selle siia kirja panema, et ma seda ära ei unustaks. Tegin veidi copy ja paste, sest ma usun, et see, mida sa mulle eile SKYPE-s kirjutasid, on oluline!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(so basically this is the text that my sister Vaarika wrote to me yesterday) :) LOVE U!!!

Tead, Jumal teeb oma osa! Teie peate ka oma osa tegema; kui teil mõlemal on rahu, siis hoidke sellest kinni! Kurat on nii kaval; NII kaval, et ta tahab alati rikkuda kõike ilusat...
Teie kahe töö on jätkuvalt oma silmad esmalt Jumalal hoida ja siis teineteisel!
See on jätkuv vundamendi ehitamine. See on samasugune alus nagu suhe Jumalaga, see ei saa lihtsalt olla kohe 100% töötav. See algab kuskilt, see algab esimesest sammust-vundamendist!
Ja siis muudkui liigud esimeselt tasandilt teisele... aga see töö peab olema jätkuv-ei tohi alla anda ja see on MÕLEMA poolne töö; mõlemad peavad andma oma südamed sellesse!

And never let go; it's not only the words, but also actions!
True relationship goes through rough stuff... BUT true relationship can handle this stuff TOGETHER! Not alone, but together!
Being always there for each other, comfort when it's hard, love each other no matter what! We arent perfect...but if you look the other person and can look over the negative stuff and still see the person as the best one ever-that what really matters.

Jah, seal on negatiivseid asju, KUID kas sa nokid nende kallal jätkuvalt ja üritad teist muuta VÕI otsustad teda armastada sellisena nagu ta on! Oma heade ja vigadega, see ei ole kerge ja tihti tahaks nokkida ja öelda, et sa tegid seda valesti ja seda ka... aga inimesed on erinevad, mis on ühe jaoks hea on teise jaoks halb ja sellest tuleb aru saada ja kompromisse teha.
Sina ja mina oleme erinevad KIRSIKA! Aga me oleme jõudnud sinna kohta, kus me AKSEPTEERIME teineteist sellistena nagu me oleme... Me mõlemad teeme vigu, me ei ole täiuslikud, me tülitsesime aastaid KUNI lõpuks otsustasime üksteist ARMASTADA sellistena nagu oleme, mitte vaadata, et sa ei tee seda hästi, sa ei ole selles nii hea... Vaid, jah, sa tegid seda, aga ma siiski armastan sind; ma siiski olen su jaoks olemas!
Ja nii on igas suhtes: suhtes vanematega, suhtes sõpradega, suhtes oma poisiga... Kõik suhted algavad VUNDAMENDI rajamisest ja üksteise aksepteerimisest vigadega! And that's the way it has to be! Ja kui eksid ja komistad; peaasi, et leiad oma tee tagasi... Ükskõik, mida ka sa selleks tegema ei pea ja ükskõik, kui kaua see ka aega ei võtaks.

Just give yourself 100% into it! And it will work out, cause he'll do the same! He loves you, you love him :) You'll make it through whatever comes to you ways.

mmm

If u love someone (something) then let it go. If he (or this thing) comes back to u then it is right, if not, then it wasnt ment to be. I just realized some of the things that have been going on in my life. I am in love but there are some things I dont understand about love. And it is ok. It is my first time, so it is ok.
It is ok to fail...
It is ok to get hurt...
It is ok to get angry at God coz then we cry out our most inner pain and He hears us...
It is ok to let go...
It is ok to fall in love...
It is ok to be afraid...
God is still there and God will still take care.

Faithful Father

I open my heart
Embracing Your change
On You I fix my gaze
I feel the heat of Your lamp on my feet
Guiding my way

(Chorus:)
Why do I worry?
Why do I worry about tomorrow?
When You are the one who holds my future in Your hands
Faithful Father I surrender all to You
All my love and my devotion
All to you

Following peace completely fulfilled
I'm confidently still
Through king or stranger
You'll broaden my path
As I walk in Your will, so

(Chorus)
My motives and intentions
To You
My trust and my affection to You Lord,
All for You

Faithful Father I surrender all to You
All my love and my devotion
All to you
I surrender all to You
I surrender all to You

USTAV ISA ANNAN KÕIK MA SINULE
KÕIK MU LOOTUS JA MU ARMASTUS SINULE

R I P

Rest In Peace my precious granny, see you in heaven!!!

We will miss you...

I love you so much!

...Faithful

God has been fulfilling my dreams like no other. I just wanted to count some of the things that have been coming true in the last 2 years (starting 2006 summer and ending 2008 summer for now). YES, only 2 years:
2006 summer
- finishing high school with 2 best marks (4, 5)
- getting healed from eating disorder (yep, during my time of graduation, HALLELUUJAH!)
- getting my driving licenses with no problems
- going to CIMC Denmark for 9 months
2007 summer
- after Masters having no idea what to do and realizing that I want to sing (no realizing that it has been my dream for 10 years), so what happens?
- getting in to one of Estonia best music school´s, ELLER; studying pop-jazz singing
- moving to Tartu and getting a good place to live
2008 summer
- Year of being in that music school already; God gave me the best teacher (no honestly, Ursel Oja is one of Estonian best ones)
- getting close to Latvia, Talsi. I love the people there, I love this small town and I love Latvian!!!! (And God u know the best what u have in mind for me with Latvia!!)
- just recorded my 2 first songs ever. With Margus, the most talented musician I know! THANK U JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think that there is so much more that God has done in my life every day. EVERY day in my life has been in His hands and I haven’t seen it. I just do my everyday doings and what happens, God is there with me!!! He lifts me up, He is my friend when I have no one else, He is my friend when I have everyone else. Realizing that I need God more and more every day.

God

...help me to learn to trust you again. Every day. To put all my hope in you so that one day I know that everything has been given to you. Help me to make these babysteps coz u see that I cant do it all once... Help me O Lord my God!

Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Why do I worry about tomorrow

when You are the one who holds my future in Your hands...

Faithful Father I surrender all to You,

All my Love and my Devotion all to You...

Frustration

Sooo A little bit of frustration. Anyway yesterday we were driving to Tartu. I wish I would have been able to drive but dad had a trailer behind the car and together they’re making one BIG CAR or smth like that; because if I would have been behind a wheel I would have stopped at least 3 times during this drive to Tartu. I will explain right away.
In the Bible it says somewhere (sorry I couldn’t find this scripture) something about men who wee on the wall (pee on the wall, urine). And I have been thinking about it earlier also but it somehow got lost on my mind, thank God for that.
But yesterday while driving first we saw 2 guys standing near to one house and just peeing all over the place. I felt sick and I didn’t know where to hide my eyes. So the sentence my dad said after that made me think. He said that men all over have fell on level of dogs; I’m not talking about ALL men please don’t get offended. After that I remembered last year living in an apartment on the 3rd floor. So many times I just looked out of window and what did I see? Different old drunk guys peeing just 3 floors lower. One used tree, another one just did it in a random place and so on…
So we were still driving and there it was, another man standing on the sidewalk and just laying his pee all over. Crap I got so pissed; I was like ready to stop our car and just kick this guy. Ok, maybe it is just me but I doubt. I have talked about it with some of my friends and they can’t stand it either. It’s like HEY, I DON’T WANNA SEE YOUR THING when I drive around. I want to drive and get where I want to go without feeling uncomfortable. Ok, maybe you think now, HEY GIRL, there is so much more going on the world and you are thinking about that…
But really, this thing is on my mind now; God you see my frustration about it so maybe you can help someone with this text to realize that all big things start with small things.
I remember that a couple of months ago I read our newspaper Postimees and what did I see? An article about some stupid young men (sry again) who took a buddle, peed in it and gave it to drink to one old drunk guy (they said to him that it is bear, well, I guess they put half bear half pee in it). I WAS ANGRY, I was like ashamed of living in Estonia; I felt like crying and I felt embarrassed. I had never read anything like that in my life…
I am glad I have my own blog so I can write whatever comes to my mind; but anyway this is my today’s prayer: don’t low yourselves to a level of dogs. Peeing is a private thing, not an activity where you put your leg up and pee wherever and whenever; it might not hurt you but it is not suitable in Gods eyes, in people’s eyes that are not like you.
Honor God in everything you do!!!
Even if you’re not Christian; honor people then… Don’t think that your activities aren’t influencing other people, WHATEVER you do is important, and however you do it also!!!!!!!
I could write so much more but right now I feel like I got so much out so its enough I guess!