What are you doing New Years Eve?

So here I am. In Tartu. Its the last day of 2011 and Im loving it. It has been a slow slow morning. Woke up after 10 hours of sweet sleep and then did some little shopping. Now Im kind of waiting for the evening to arrive. Im going the the New Years Eve Ball. Jep. THE BALL.
I know I know Im going alone, no date, nada. But who the heck cares? I have my friends, my joy, my love, I have my dress and shoes. The other stuff can wait for a little longer. I dont need a man to keep me happy. :) And for that alone I am happy. Ok too much happy-talk.
So 2011.
What have you done to me?
How, what, where, when, why?
So much has happened this year I cant even count or think clearly anymore. A lot of good things, a bunch of weird things, a little less bad things. :) I am enjoying my Father´s love more then ever before. I know who I am and Im not afraid anymore to be Kirsika. To be me. I am more honest then I was last year. And not only to myself but with others as well.
The biggest change was to start 2011 single again. Now that was hard. Getting used to someone else around all the time and suddenly there is only you. Of c friends etc. But back from being engaged to single. Not easy. But God has brought me to a place of love and peace at the moment. Well kind of. Im not strong. But with Him I am. :)
The second change was moving to Bala. And to start working for a B&B. Now that is far away from Estonia. Sometimes way too far. Oh well. But sometimes we need these kind of changes. Big time.
Third one is getting to know myself more and more. And realizing Im not a loooser. Not at all! ;)
But now.
What has changed in your year 2011? Why? When? Are you happy? If you dont want to answer to me, dont. But think ab it a little. ARE YOU HAPPY with what you´re doing? With where you are? Are you?
:)

IF YOU GOTTA START SOMEWHERE WHY NOT HERE?
IF YOU GOTTA START SOMETIME WHY NOT NOW?
We just finished watching a movie called "Grace Card". I havent cried so hard in the end of a movie ever never before. I strongly suggest you to watch this movie. And not because I liked it but because you need to see this one. It is about grace, forgiveness, love, peace. I have big problems with forgiving sometimes. Im a human-being. Im not a robot who has no emotions, no feelings. But Father is with me and in me. In my 24 years people have hurt me, used me, mistreated me. Just like I have done that to others. And just like you have done to others and others have done to you.
B U T.
There is grace.
There is forgiveness.
Love.
And peace.
So what are you waiting for?
If you gotta start somewhere why not here?
If you gotta start sometime why not now?

There wont...

...be a day without You.
It is not possible that God does not show up in our everyday lives. It is just not possible for Him to not love us. Through our friends, through sunsets, through families, through good food, through little things around us. Cmn, just open your eyes and tell me you dont see God in little things. Tell me and Im not gonna believe you. ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtLs8N6rlFU&feature=plcp&context=C3c96100UDOEgsToPDskLwbGuGf24miw3ZHSAsJG0n

So Ive been home for a week now. 1 more week to go and back I go. Its been one amazing week. Started off not so good, Ester being a bit trixy, but as the time went on it just got better and better. Ive been seeing relatives, good friends, beautiful island Saaremaa etc. Ive been able to spend time with Ester. With mum and dad. Yesterday I walked around in Viljandi with my 2 best friends from school time. It was just awesome and it felt so unreal. It was like a question in the air - is it really real??? Are we really together again. I hadnt seen one of them for 4 years and one for 2 years. Wow. And there we were, chatting like time meant nothing. And it is so true, time does mean nothing in these things. Of c we have all moved on with our lives, but then again, we still care and we still love each other.
So 1 more week eh. Im going to Tartu tomorrow for 3-4 days. Not sure yet, but Im so gonna enjoy my time there as well.
Ok, if there wont be more posts this year then next year for sure sure.
Love you.
Kirsi

...

http://www.youtube.com/kirsika21 - Ive got 3 new songs uploaded there! :) We had some fun with Margus on the 24th of December. So go check them out for yourself, have a little laugh at one of them and just enjoy! I am so very sorry about the quality, it might not be the best, but who cares!
Love, Kirsi...

:)

Stupid HOME ALONE I. Seriously, makes me want to have snow. Real bad.

But at the moment it just doesnt matter. Im home to my mum, dad, grandpa, Ester, and my lovely friends. Had 2 friends visiting me already, wonderful girls. Uh. :) Great day (if I forget the fact that I got sick when I got home, I mean just stomach-flu or smth, not great, but who cares?)...

So there you go. My first day at home.

278

Its 4.12 am and Kirsi is going home today! :)

im
gonna
hug
you
all
for
the
next
2
weeks
!!!

Little rain.

Oh how cozy I feel at the moment sitting on my bed listening to the crazy rain outside. Its just pouring and pouring. I think bringing my pink rubber.boots was the best decision I have EVER made. Seriously. Bala is the master of rain. It is so constant here that I dont even notice it anymore. I used to dislike rain so so so much coz it stopped me from doing stuff. It sure doesnt stop me anymore.
And the other cozy thing. My Mr. Darcy is loving me today. Well, not my finger-tips (oh men, thats the hardest part for me. I used to love love love having long nails, polished red or smth, and not its only short and the finger-tips, uggh, hard and calloused), but hey, thats not the main thing right. The thing is that I just played an hour or so. Tried to sing along but it was more just enjoying playing this time... Dont know whats with that. Sometimes its horrible, sometimes wonderful. But Im at the very beginning. Sure Im getting there one day when I can just sit and play without stopping etc. But Im already in a progress and not stopping now.
Ok just random thoughts.
Now Ive only got tomorrow til Estonia.
Ok someone shoult hit me or something. I cant stop talking about the E-word. :D

:)

Its so close Im going crazy. Trying to pack everything into this tiny suitcase is gonna be a huge challenge. I mean 2 weeks with handluggage? Thank God Ive got winterclothes in Estonia, and dont have to drang anything along from here. :) Makes me happypuppy.
So there we go. Only 2 full days to go and Im home to mum and dad. Now how great is that? And yesterday´s call made me want home even more. Called Essu to ask what she wants from me and after she said it has to be a surprise I asked her to ask mum and that what they want. Both of them said ME. They said not to bring anything and can I just go home already. Oh my little heart jumped of joy! :)
Its Tueueeseday. Yeah. You heard it right. Tueueeseday. I hear autumn outside. I hear spring outside. But no sign of winter. Please, pretty please Estonia, can you show your Kirsi some mercy and bless her with snow? Thank you! :) Labi, going to work now... Who knows what this day has for me. Maybe something great. Maybe not. Im still gonna trust God.

275

Today is the 19th of December. On the 22nd of December is my day to go home. Estonia. Oh the sweet taste of my mum´s food is already in my mouth. I can taste the potato-salad, the sweet bakeries, meat-balls, home-made bread, chicken, ham... Whatever my mum makes, its always delicious and special. Its always made with love and care and it tastes heavenly. :) Ok I made myself hungry now. No surprise there, haha!
So... I wish I could be able to write about anything else, I cant. Its on my mind and in my heart, so there you go.
Kirsi

Little kids never think twice when they see water or mud. They jump. And they jump BIG time. I want to be a kid again. Never thinking twice when it comes to having fun. Oh it sure was a sweet sweet feeling yesterday jumping around in these mud puddles. It was the best day in a long long time and I enjoyed every second of my walk with my friend. Anyway. I am sure learning to love myself and let myself be me. Not copying anyone else. Not trying to be anyone else. Just me, Kirsi. And I am beautiful and lovable. And I am all that my Father has made me to be. Walking hand in His hand. Oh and in case you didnt know, He has BIG and strong hands. :) Safe.

ISSI

Kui 23.November oli emme päev ja nii iga aasta, siis 18.Detsember on minu jaoks issi päev.
Täna on sinu sünnipäev.
Söö siis palju kooki, aga mitte liiga palju, et lõhki ei läheks.
Las emme hoolitseb sinu eest ja musitab ja kallistab.
Las Essu olla Essu. Väike pätu. Ärge temaga pahandage.
Armastan SIND NII PALJU!
Palju õnne sünnaks, issi! :)

273

Because.
Sometimes.
You.
Just.
Have.
To.
Let.
It.
Go.

I can...

...taste home!

Ester: "Kirsu, vaata, kui sa koju tuled, siis sa tood mulle ka midagi. Eksju?"

Kirsu: "Ooot, oot, kumba sa siis nüüd rohkem tahad, kas Kirsikat või asju?"

Pikk mõttepaus.

Ester: "No olgu, sind tahan ikka rohkem."

Jälle mõttepaus.

Ester: "Aga sa tood mulle ka ikka midagi, eks?!"

:)

Shh!

I think I have thought quite a lot now.
And I have decided. Again.
I cant let one little comment to influence me so much.
If people want to talk they will find reasons anyway. I cant let it ruin my heart and my life.
So this blog is gonna be open to everyone again. Please dont judge me for my quick decisions. It was just very painful to recieve this little sentence that tried to bring me down. But hey, if people want to talk they will talk. And let them talk.
I am who I am. I am gonna continue being honest and open about my life.
And this blog has brought comfort to so many people. And I dont have it to hide from the world. So there we go. An open blog it is again.
:) K

http://www.youtube.com/user/kirsika21
My very own very cool youtube channel. Im planning on postin new videos soon, in Estonia! STAY TUNED! :)

Yesterday.

268

Minu tänane:
Ärkasin peavaluga. Võtsin rohtu. Kadus.
Koristasin wc ilusasti puhtaks ja ei löönud pead ära. Jess.
Tõstsin oma toa ümber. Vahepeal puhkasin. Keset põrandat. Olin päris huvitav vaatepilt.
Käisin jõulukinke ostmas.
Pakkisin jõulukinke.
Mässasin uue pildi-programmiga. Meeldib.
Mängisin Mr.Darcy-ga. Ma vist meeldin talle.
Kirjutasin laulu. Mr.Darcy on õnnelik, kui ma temaga koos laule kirjutan.
Laul on minu meelest parim, mis ma siiani kirjutanud olen.
Lihtsalt mainisin.
Söin toidujääke.
Käisin kinos. Balas. Päris hea eks?
Tin-Tin on väga kena poiss. Selline seiklusrikas ja huvitav. Võtaks meheks küll.

Istun oma toas põrandal ja mõtlen, et küll oleks tore, kui...
Aga ma jätan need 3 punkti nüüd sinna ja lähen tegelen oma asjadega edasi.

Tere

So it´s Thursday huh. 2 weeks and Im in Estonia. My baby told mum the other day that Jeei Kirsi will be home soon and we can share a room then. Oh she is a sweetheart and now without her front teeth, haha, so adorable. Just saying. :)
I was thinking of listing a few things I really would love for Christmas. No Im not cheesy, I just love making presents and I know in everyone´s heart it is important to recieve good gifts. And who doesnt ask never recieves either. So here we go:
*teddy bear (Ive never owned one)
*watch (I broke my watch)
*a hat (jup. winters. my love)
*many hugs (oh you folks better hug me down when I come)
*kisses from Ester
*a new perfume (sometimes they get empty you know, the bottles)
*many many Christmas cards. (I LOVE cards)
*booksbooksbooks and music (there can be never enough of those)
*socks (hihi I eat socks if you didnt know)

So there we go. My little Christmas list.
(:
Its Thursday. I like Thursdays coz then comes Friday and that means 2 days off! This Sunday we have our team-Christmas-meal-party. So someone suggested me to be a baby-Jesus just coz Im the youngest. Oh I got a good laugh out of that one. Now seriously, can you imagine me doing that? NAAH. :D
Ok, getting ready to go to work. Our school-week is going great. Lots of good times, shared meals, worship, word.
And as one good movie "3 idiots" says it: ALL IS WELL!

264

Some things are undescribable.
As I was sitting on a session last night I was holding Miss Finn in my arms. I took her with me already while I was leading worship but something happened when I looked into that little bear´s eyes. I just felt loved.
Ok you are probably like, who is Miss Finn? She is a little teddy-bear brought here from Finland. Not to me, but to V+R and now she lives in our chapel. And y-day she was helping me. Hey, Im not weird or anything, sometimes Daddy tries to tell us things through things. If you get my point.
So as she was sitting with me, in my arms, I felt loved. With big L. So if you remember my last post ab having a hard hard day, well, Miss Finn made it tons better. With her soft eyes just staring at me telling me: " I LOVE YOU!"

Why

...is it that sometimes its so hard to talk about whats going on inside of you? Its like something happens and you just cant put a finger on it. You dont even know it yourself. You cant write about it, talk about it, think about it and it keeps driving you crazy.
I put a smile on my face (maybe) and keep on going. BUT its nagging me. This something that I cant talk about.
And its just one of these days where everything seems so wrong and cold and stupid.
I guess Im still a human-being. :) At least one good thing about this...

Its so cold here. Outside and inside.

:)

I called my mum. She didnt pick up. Then I called my dad. He picked up and handed the phone to mum who just had a worship-rehearsal. She really is a wonder-woman. I love her so very much from the bottom of my heart to the top of my heart. She has no voice and she is ill. And yet she is leading worship in FH Conference in Võru. She is incredable. So I just asked her permission to pray for her and she was like YES YES YES. So I did. I just asked Father God to protect her and the team and everyone attending. And I got this huge desire to be there with them. To support them, to comfort, to help, to carry them if needed. Etc. I cant. But I can in my heart. So there we go. Im there with them in my heart. I can pray for them, over them. And thats my part at the moment. And its the greatest part. :) And its a beautiful part. Coz then Dad can do great things. Without me worrying, but instead praying. And He is over this conference anyway. In every area!
So if you can, GO THERE today or tomorrow. To Võru. To the conference. Its wonderful.
:)

260

The day is 260. Ok not really. Its Friday.
Im sitting in front of my bed. Its normal already. If you know me, then you know I like to sit in all kind of strange places. Never really where everyone else is sitting. If I can choose I usually choose places in the corners or on a table etc.
Well. I was feeling rather lousy yesterday. Was sleeping half of the day and then waited another half to end already so I could go back to bed.
But morning came and brought some sort of better feelings.
Im not in a perfect condition but so much better. Im thinking of going to have a long walk somewhere. Its 1 C outside so I might wrap myself up in warm and cozy clothes and go and have some fresh air. I cant stand doing nothing so we will see. (Well, knowing Bala weather it might just start pouring in 1 second and that changes my plans).
So. Here I am. Its the 2nd of December. In 20 days Im home to my mama and papa and sis Ester. I cant wait. Its gonna be such a good time. I know. I have prayed about it and I have some sort of belief that something wonderful is gonna happen in my time home. I have no idea what but something...

I just wanna finish with this chorus from one of my favourite songs:
"Grace I call Your name
Oh wont Your smile fall over me
Im cracked and dry on hands and knees
Oh sweet Grace rain down on me, I need Your Grace!"

May Fathers g r a c e be with you all through today. May His blessings, favor and love dwell in you and from you!
Love, K

Huvitav

Ükskõik kui vana ma ka ei oleks, nii, kui haigeks hakkan jääma, on mu esimene mõte: "Oleks emme siin, tema teab mida teha!!!"
Emme, lenda nüüd siia ja tule ravi mind natuke aega ok? Tean küll, et sa ise ka haige, aga siis olemegi kahekesi koos... ;)