Sleepless in...

...Türi-Alliku. I haven't been able to sleep for the last 3-4 nights. Just so many thoughts: ideas, worries, dreams, hopes, hurts, pain, its like my whole head is going crazy with thoughts.
I just wanna get it down before my mind blows up and I scream at somebody... :) Anyway most of these have something to do with music, worship, singing, God, me. Like usually, but this time deeper than ever. Because for the first time really a part of me has been up for SO many people to see. I have been very honest about my life but sometimes I forget that there´s a deeper part of me that I NEVER-ever open up even to myself.
After the song "Mida tunneb süda?" was released, it went over my mind. In 3 days there have been over 1300 plays (http://soundcloud.com/cruxmedia/kirsika-mida-tunneb) and prob quite a few illegal downloads (haha) plus so many people have sent me letters, encouraging words, words to continue, to go deeper; many have questions why haven't I recorded my own music, whats stopping me. Well let me tell you this, I HAVE exactly the same thoughts, questions. Its not that I dont want to, its rather that the time has been wrong.
I have always been involved with music, as long as I remember. I wrote these crazy weird (sometimes stupid) beautiful sad songs when I was a kid. Usually in my head, so I didnt write them down or anything, and I wrote poems, my grandma always encouraged me to do that. Man, Im thankful. But I didnt go to children´s music school, couldnt afford it. Its ok. But as time passed by I realized I have no musical education and it sucked big time. I needed to sing, needed to get it out of myself, but... So I sang in the church, in worship, gospel-music etc. Listened to tons of Celine Dion (oh that voice still gives me goosebombs --> (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzaTyxMduH4) and other then that, mostly Christian music. So see, I had no idea what I can do with my voice.
Until some years ago I went to music school. A totally different world opened up. I sang gospel, but also jazz, pop, rock, bossanova, electric-acoustic, with a band, without a band; crazy amount of different stuff compared to what I was used to. And it changed something inside of me. It made me think what I really want to do. I realized I am a worshiper and worship is something deep, deeper than any other music I could ever do. But it also showed me that people can worship so differently. And my voice, well, its God´s gift anyway, right?

But right now, well, last night I said a prayer to God because my confusion is just big. This new song, its a different world and yet its worship. See, its also a way to worship God. Its a new way and its something I wanted to do. So I beg you NOT to judge me for choosing something so different this time. Yes, its not acoustic music, yes, its not deep worship. BUT its the language everyone understands. Its music. Music unites us no matter what style, no matter what song. It unites people. And this song is so deep. I wish you could go into it the way I want to... I still don't comprehend the fullness of it but I do understand GOD in it.

I know its gonna be a long blog post but please stay with me.
Pride. Fame. Yes, I'm a person. And YES, I love attention. I love when I'm noticed, when I'm seen. And don't judge me for that. I'm just like everyone else in that area. And for that I pray to God not to go prideful, not to get lost in the world of fame. EVER. I pray to God that I can stay in Him and with Him. Because it is always because of HIM I sing even when I don't feel like it... He gave me my voice and you know, we have all made with the need for love. We all need to feel loved and appreciated. And God can do that to the fullest.

I have so much more to say but maybe next time... Maybe there will be a day Ill understand my own thoughts, haha... :)