Kallis vanaisa,

Kallis vanaisa,
Loodan, et sa näed seda kirja seal kusagil! Usun, et istud praegu oma Taevase Isa süles ja naeratad. Läbi pisarate. Sest sul on valus, kuna meil on valus. Ja samas on sul rööm, sest oled lõpuks jõudnud koju! Sinna, kus on hea ja ei ole enam halba!
Ma tunnen oma südames rahu, valu, röömu, kõike läbisegi. Pisarad segunevad naeratusega, sest ma ei teagi täpselt, mida ja kuidas tunda. Sa ei olnud eriti minu jaoks olemas, aga mingil hetkel ma leppisin sellega, sest see olidki sina. Täpselt enda olemusega, sellega, kes sa olid! Ja see oli sinu parim. Ma tean, et sa armastasid mind. Nii, kuidas sa oskasid. Ja tead mis, ma ei olekski teistmoodi tahtnud. Sest sa olid minu vanaisa Heino. Ja praegu oled ka! Alati oled! Ma armastan sind. Ma tean, et me kohtume varsti.
Ja siis me naerame koos ja sööme präänikuid. Usun, et taevas saab ka präänikuid süüa. Sest need olid Sinu lemmikud, mis tuletab mulle meelde, et me just eelmine nädal ostsime Estrile paki präänikuid, sest ta oli neid koos Sinuga söönud! :)
Oh vanaisa, ma tegelikult igatsen sind. Olen igatsenud juba ammu ja nüüd eriti! Ma ei hakka midagi kahetsema, et me rohkem ei suhelnud, aga mingi osa minust nutab, sest ehk oleks midagi saanud paremini teha... Ja ps! Ma olen nii önnelik, et said aasta koos veel olla naisega, kes oli sinu südameigatsus. :)

Vanaisa, puhka rahus! Ole sina ise. Lase Jeesusel end hoida nüüd ja pea meil siis silma peal ja oota meid kenasti ära. Ühel päeval...
Sinu Kirss, laululind! :) (Saadan sulle oma parima naeratuse ja kallistuse!!)

Family

I have been to Tallinn twice this week, which almost never happens! On W-day I went to record 2 new songs (Im so very excited to see what the outcome is, it will take some time) and yesterday we went to lead worship in a small university students gathering and it was so good! It was such a precious time together; the topic was Godly healing versus doctors etc. Something like that, hard to translate! But at one point my dad felt strong in his heart to stand up and share a bit of Father´s love to this group of people and it was so good! Im so proud of him, the love he has now for people just overflows and I know God has so much more for my family. We desire to help people, its in our nature now, we desire to see changes happening. Both physical and mental, heart-changes! So yesterday was good! Im happy we decided to go against my flesh that said, oh Im so tired... ;) Im really happy to see new places opening up, new doors opening up! So many invitations and its not about me, HA, thats thew best part! People want to know their Father in Heaven - thats the BEST part! ;) Thats the most beautiful part... And we as a family have the privilege to do that! I know I wont be with them for a long time anymore, my time to leave will come soon, BUT as for now, this is my family (and always will be!) and I have the chance to travel with them! Or rather lately they with me, haha....
Its Friday today and for that Im happy! 2 days of no work, just minding my own business, well, not really, but you get the point! :) Gotta run now, but hugs and hugs!;)

To pursue...

Its exciting and I'm all bubbly again. :) Well, not really but a little. I'm gonna be in Tallinn today to record 2 new songs. I cant tell much about it now but I'm sure you will hear more soon... Knowing myself I know I cant contain it for a very long time, haha! Its together with Daniel and Liisi again though this time Ill be there alone, but I know I can do it! :)
Its been such an interesting week. Its been so hard at work coz of some things/issues I know I shouldn't discuss here but at the same time I feel peace in my heart. I have been looking myself from a different perspective and I have learned quite a few things. I have been having big problems with my health but again I feel its gonna be alright though visibly I see no results, I see no getting better... But that's what my God does, when its not about me anymore but Him taking over. I think! I'm not the smartest person so I don't know tons of theology but my Daddy in Heaven is enough for me. He assures me and encourages me when I feel like not going out. Even when I feel like not going after my dreams because of fear I know He keeps pushing me and He wants me to pursue music. To pursue something bigger than I think I deserve or can or would be able to...
So as for now all I see is sunshine when I look out from the window. I dont care there's tons of snow and cold. I see spring coming forth and life forming in front of my eyes! I see hope and I see a future. For myself and for you, my dear reader, friend! :) And I also feel like sending one big hug out to you who reads this text right now. Coz then Ill get a hug back as well! ;)

The s-season!

It´s spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you´ve got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! - Mark Twain

I dont know why I bubble so much about spring. I feel that I even have a twinkle in my eye when I say the word "spring". Maybe Im just such a s-girl that it brings life to me, a fresh air, a new hope, something thats beautiful and breath-taking. I have been walking almost every day for some time now and just admiring each scenery. I try to take different roads (though I must say there are not tons of choices here, haha) and I just walk and talk. Sometimes with mum, sometimes with God... :) Spring, huh! Its still cold outside and snow everywhere but its coming. There is never a year without real spring in Estonia, so bring it on! ;)

Karmel

We went to a camp yesterday with our worship team. Rakvere Karmel church youth camp in Salla. It was so good to have my team together again, Margus and Merku came from Finland just because of that and well it was a blast. A good fellowship time after the meeting and some good talks etc. I enjoyed our time together with the young people... :) (PS! Dad tried to pose for the picture, obviously it worked!)...

Oh I know

I know, Im one of those who keep whining about the cold and the winter and plaplapla. But Im also one of those who wakes up early in the morning, opens her curtains and enjoys the absolutely gorgeous view outside. Its stunning right now in the mornings, how the sun shines and makes everything so soft and tender...
And yet Im looking forward for the snow to be gone and for the spring to bring all the beautiful smells and colors and birds and well, spring. :) Its an early Saturday morning right now and Im up. Well, I kind of woke up around 5 am but went back to bed and got up 7.20 coz I was like, heck, its a Saturday morning so I need some sort of small sleep in if not big. Got a small! :D
Its gonna be a wonderful day. I mean, first Ill take my 2 cousins and we will go for a photo-shoot, coz Tuuli needs to practice! And then tonight Ill be leading worship in Salla (I have NO idea where that is) coz Rakvere youth invited me for their youth-camp worship night so Ill get to have my team together again and that makes me so very happy! :) I havent seen some of them for a while now and anyway... :)

I was working all week long and every day after work we went for a long walk with my mum, we have found the perfect path for us and so we take our walking sticks and go... Good talks, sometimes crazy wind (ok almost every time), being healthy! ;)
I have so much to tell but since I dont know where to start I wont tell it all... Ill just continue my walk with my Father even though its not like the easiest walks to be at! Its a lot of trust, a lot of faith and love... Knowing that He holds my future in His hands, and to be honest, its a struggle for me, coz Im a doer, Im someone who wants to run her own life, but at these moments I gotta stop and know that He is God and He is good and He will never ever leave me on my own, coz He is Love and true Love never abandons!
Anyway, wish you all a good weekend. Do something fun, something different, go somewhere youve never been to or eat something crazy! ;) Have some fun!

FH

Ive got 2 links to share with you. Both of the videos are from Võru when we had Father´s Heart Conference there... Some talk and mostly worship, hope you are encouraged by it. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F49E9MJ5cfY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHJuwianFLk

Welcome

I saw the boy Im working with after 3 weeks again (I did some other stuff while he couldnt be in the kindergarten, helping around where I could coz so many people were sick so I was still needed) and I just couldnt help but be so HAPPY to see him! He hugged me uncontrollably all day long and I did have to say a few hard words but overall it was such a surprise the way he held me today... I mean he has hugged me before but it was different today, like he has accepted me and I am finally his person! It felt good! :)

Other than that I wanted to share what went through my heart yesterday. So on Saturday night I discovered I need to lead worship the next morning in Maranata Church in Tartu. Well I did know my parents are gonna preach (or just share their hearts is a better way to put it) and I was like, well, I can just go with them but dont have to do anything and then had a call to lead worship. Oh well, I wasnt very happy that evening BUT my heart said not to worry. I have no team around me right now except my parents so I was like, dad, you play djembe and mum, you sing with me... And so we arrived to Tartu yesterday morning and I was like, "heck I need to play guitar, I need to play guitar, I need to play guitar, I dont know if I can do this in front of everybody, I need help plaplapla..." And suddenly I had some weird peace over me and after worship I sat down and felt such gratitude towards my Father in Heaven. He is ALWAYS with me, never leaving, always encouraging, always helping! I know I gave my best and the rest is always in His hands! :)

So its gonna be a week full of work but also full of sharing and loving and giving and receiving! Its gonna be a week I need to make some decisions and appointments and probably I will be alone from Wednesday so you are very welcome to visit me (maybe for a week, maybe longer...)! I promise my door is pretty much opened to you, my heart as well and I might even bake you something yummy! ;)! So, welcome!

Loved...

I am loved. Not only because I know Im loved but because I really am loved (maybe not in the way you would think...)! Wow! What happened today just blew my mind and yesterday as well... This year´s International Women´s Day will always be deep in my heart!
I am so happy I got to take my mum out for a concert and we laughed til we hurt and also enjoyed the beautiful voices Estonian men have!

And oh boy, what I received today has given me a smile that is just not leaving my face! I got home from work (which bytheway was awesome as well, coz I was with another group of kids who were so lovely with me, each in their own unique way) and then thought to myself that I don't need fancy flowers and gifts to make me happy (which I meant with all my heart) and... Anyway then there was a sudden phone call that Ill have a delivery soon and when the door bell rang, OH wow, 7 tall red roses and Raffaello... I was shocked and still am btw! SO SO SO SO thankful (I know I use that word a lot, but what can I do... I am thankful!)!!!!! :)

Ladies

Today is the day people celebrate women! I just want to say "Thank You" to God because He formed us, He made us beautiful and wonderful and we are His! We were made to be the women in this world from the very beginning. We were meant to be captivating and precious. So lets not reverse it. Lets help those who dont know it yet and lets be the kind word to someone who might need it today! I know my place, I know Im my Father´s Daughter which makes me valuable. But there are many who dont know this! Lets not forget to share a smile or a hug to women in our lives...
I knew it would be absolutely the best thing to take my mum out so I organized us 2 tickets and took her to a concert last night. I do not have tons of money but what I have I want to give. And it was so good. It was such a great laugh-therapy last night and also something for the soul...
Lets to that. Lets remember people we care about! Because they are worth more than gold! We all are!

Have a beautiful Ladies Day! ;)

Love

Sometimes I dont know if people understand my love-language. It sure feels like Im from another planet coz every time I make a small gift to someone or write a handwritten letter they are surprised. Well, I LOVE gifts. I love making gifts from my heart. There have been times I haven't given any birthday-gifts just because I haven't found the perfect one straight away. I rather give nothing then something that's not from my heart... I love notes, I love flowers (yep, I have realized I really do love flowers and there was a time once I didn't think much of them but there was a reason behind it), I love to receive a letter in a real envelope or a parcel from a friend... But still more than that I LOVE to give!
So I just want to encourage you to read each other love-languages. Read each-other well and learn to accept them. Everyone is so different. I know it might take some time to do that but its better than pushing something else on someone rather then learning what theirs really is!
And once you know your own its always easier with others as well, just saying! And its not like I only have this gift-thing and you dont have to give me any time anymore coz thats not my love-language. Well it is, but in a totally different level! ;)

Pärnu

Last Friday I went to Pärnu for 3 days which in the end turned out to be 4 days but Ill get into that.
So, I arrived to Pärnu, had the most warm welcome by Karin (she and Sven are the pastors of the church I went to) and was taken to their home, so I could rest a bit and leave my stuff there. After that we drove to the church which is the most non-typical church ever. I have been there once before which was some years ago now, so it was not new to me, but if youre not to going to church anyway then it can be a bit interesting. For me in an absolutely positive way! ;)
As I was introduced to some of the youth and felt like home straight away, I got a guitar, practiced a bit and the night could start! First I led a bit of worship (which I still find so very hard to do without a team behind me) and shared my testimony. I was so so happy to see how people listened and ate my words and honestly when I try to think back of what I shared, I have no idea. All I know is that I opened up my heart and it just flowed out of me! And that was just wonderful. After the youth-night we drove back to Karin-Sven´s place and a bit later Kenneth (youth pastor and just a cool person) joined us! We had a great talk together and shared our stories, ate yummy stuff and went to bed.
The next day started late, coz we didnt have anything planned for the morning, so around 12 I was taken to church again to share about worship (ughhh I absolutely dislike the word seminar, so it was not a seminar, it was more like a fellowship time together)! :) Im so thankful how everyone had something to say, how all the kids, youth said stuff from their heart and Im still processing of all I heard. Some of the ideas and thoughts were just brilliant. How everybody sees worship in a different level and how worship can mean so many things... Thankfulthankfulthankful!
By the time we went to Sindi to play some sports, I was already a bit tired but no big deal. Had a big yummy doughnut which made me feel sick afterwards, hahaha, and the day could continue. So they have kids coming together every Saturday to play sports and I even participated a bit. If you can say that. I mean IM AFRAID of balls. I remember my last sportsclass in high school and how I was like, heck, NEVER again! Something to deal with, one day Ill tell you the full story of my fear of sports...
And then around 8pm we were back at church and the girls-group time started. Oh boy, I was tired then. I felt like I have nothing to give anymore and it seemed like I can just drop through the ground, but God came, intervened and helped me. I know it coz I had no strength left... But I do have a GOOD Father who loves me and all the girls there and He knew what they needed to hear! Im happy!
But the next morning I woke up was crazy. I had shivers going through all my body, I was aching everywhere and could not feel my head anymore, I had the strongest migraine headache Ive ever had + fever after many many years of no fever. So there I was, I knew I had one more day to go, but I couldnt even move myself, so Im so thankful to Karin. She is like my mum, she just let me be, made me eat and rest... I mean, I just couldnt travel so I was taken back home yesterday (Im thankful for that also, coz I actually had a very good talk with Kenneth) so I have been sleeping today and just drinking tons of water...
But you know what. After 2 days of giving so much out its so obvious how things try to bring you down. I mean I have a BIG God and a good God, so even in this situation I know why I was in Pärnu and why I had to do what I did, so no sickness, no heaviness can tell me it was not worth it! I have been struggling with food for the last 3 days now and men, it sucks, all these thoughts in my head but at the same time, I AM worth so much more than that! I am His Princess!
So I know it was a long blog-post but I just really wanted to share what Ive been up to and what is going on in my heart. There is so much more to come, I know it! There is so much ahead of me and my trip to Pärnu was just a small glimpse of what is yet to come! :)
Kirsi

Beautiful

So I guess you all know I love God. And how much I rely on Him... Well at least I try to on most times, not successful always, but anyway. This blog is not about that.
Its about me. Its about how He gave me a song about ME! Well, most of my songs are about trying to find something, about God, about love... But this song is about me and I wrote it in Wales 1,5 years ago in one of my hardest times when I tried to get over the broken engagement etc etc. So I haven't shared it with anyone yet but I want to write down the lyrics. And I want to record it (maybe not today but soon and ooh, Im gonna sing it in Pärnu this weekend when I share my testimony to girls)... So here we go:

I AM YOURS

Coz I am Beautiful, I am Beautiful, Im Yours
The way Im Fearfully and Wonderfully made
Daddy, I am Yours and I am Yours
Daddy I am Yours

Coz Im Fearfully and Wonderfully made
Coz Im the Crown of the Creation, the Creation
Coz Im Beautifully and Wonderfully made
Daddy I am Yours, I am Yours
I am YOURS

iPhone

So I was thinking that since I dont have my camera anymore Id still love to have pictures from Estonian Independence Day, so I took my iPhone and went out for a walk and captured some pretty good stuff. I just wanted to share with you what a wonderful beautiful day I had full of sunshine, cake (one of the best cheese-cakes Ive ever made, though after eating a small tiny peace I went out for a walk for an hour just to feel better again, hahhaa), cat-time, friends, family... Just a good good day! :)

Whitney Houston - I Look To You

I
I have been listening to this song about 15 times this morning and I find it just absolutely AMAZING!

Beautiful teeth!

On Monday I borrowed my dad´s car and drove to visit my cousin Tuuli who lives in a place I grew up as a kid. All the corners there are kind of known to me and it was just my way of getting away from here... My time to laugh and have fun in the snow. And the pictures she took are just beautiful. While we were looking them through on a big screen I felt like Im watchin someone else. Like it is not me laughing and having fun and being beautiful.
And I got back home, started editing some of them and realized I cant put that girl on the pictures together with me. It was as if it was some other girl. But it is me. With my big smile and good teeth (as everyone started to point out, well, I just have to mention that during this month I have spend way too much money on my dentist due to the root-channel-recovery-process, so I keep my teeth in good condition)... Anyway I guess we all need some sort of kick in our a... once in a while to realize we are beautiful. I mean I can talk about it and just keep talking but for some reason I still find it hard to put 2+2 together... JUST START believing! Believing the truth instead of the lies that keep naggin at the back of your head from time to time. Believe you were made to be beautiful, you were made to be wonderful and marvelous! And that Your (mine) Heavenly Father sees you in that way already! :) Gotta run to work now (thats another story I need to write down soon, but not now!), so be blessed and safe! K

Last Saturday we had a chance to lead worship with Margus in Tartu Salem Church. We had a wonderful fellowship time together with a few friends of mine (and they rock I must say)... Margus recorded the music we did and here is a link where you can download and enjoy worship both in English and Estonian:
http://www.speedyshare.com/p2NAc/tartu.mp3

I am enough!

His love is enough. I do not know much but what I know is enough to get me through today. His love is enough.
I have had some pretty bad thoughts lately. I have been down more often then I remember... And to be honest its sometimes easier to stay down then to get up and start going again. There have been some bright moments like FREEDOM-event and last Saturday we had a  prayer-worship day in Tartu and yet I feel as though Im missing some important link.
Maybe, just maybe I found that today while I was walking to work. Maybe.
As I started my 10-minute walk I suddenly felt like praying. Praying for my today, for the kids I work with, for my lovelife (which I dont have, haha), for the people I have in my life... Missing link? Really. And my day has been a lot better than the days before. Just a simple prayer of thanks. Just the knowledge that His love really is enough. Somehow it changed my Monday. Not to mention a simple yet an awesome text-msg from a friend! Huh how many times have I said that you don't know the value of your words to someone. The value of a hug or a smile. Just a simple THANK YOU to someone can really change the atmosphere! So simple. And somehow so hard or is it? :)
If Im really honest with myself I know that tomorrow I might wake up and have a really hard morning again. But do I really want to just get by each day or do I want to actually enjoy my days no matter what they bring and no matter how hard they are... Working with kids is NOT, I say, NOT easy! Each kid is so different and each kid has something they bring with them to kindergarten. Maybe unsolved problems at home, maybe a bad word from a dad or maybe a broken heart... And so many are in a BIG need for some love. And who am I to deny it to them? Who am I to say that I wont give you a hug if you need one! Somehow it seems like grownups so easily forget what it was like to be a 6-year old or a 5-year old... Oh men, I was yearning for a kiss from my dad, for him to tell me Im a Princess. Yet where are those dads who do that now?

So. Jup. Im getting more excited for the beginning of March since there will be a weekend in Pärnu where I can share my life with many girls... I am already preparing some stuff for them, presents etc. I remember when I was 15 years old and needed someone to tell me Im pretty just the way I am. And there was no one. So I want to be that someone now. For them!
Alright. :)

Mida tunneb süda - Kirsika (akustiline versioon)

I have been working for the last 2 days. I do not have a normal job where I always know what Im doing. Well, mostly I never ever never know what Im doing. Im going there in the morning and basically improvising all day long. Well, and then again, what is a normal job?
These 2 days have been heavy and hard but its also coz I was not working for the last 2 weeks due to his sickness and mine. So its just strange to be back at work probably and some other things I cant talk about here...

You know what? I have to stop listening to people around me who think they know it all but then come to me and say I HAVE to know my next 10.year plan and if I dont, well, that sucks! When have I ever known what is about to come? I mean had a Skype-call to my crazy Latvian yesterday and what she said made me think... That there are so many people who go through years and years or university or some other big school and then they graduate and God tells them to go into missions for example???!!! That is such a God-thing! Im not saying that its not important to know whats in your heart. It is absolutely very important. What Im saying is that we just NEED to trust God to really come and break through. I cant just keep planning my own life like its only MY life. My life is His! I belong to Him. And if He wants me to go somewhere other than my own original idea I want to be ready for that!
I know what lies in my heart. I know what I want to do. And I know that God knows my desires and also your desires. I couldnt fall a sleep last night. Just kept thinking and thinking and thinking. About why I dont have my own husband, my own place, my own my own my own??? And you know, it was just so much about me, my needs, what I want that I did not have place for God there. It was as if MY life was so important that I forgot to ask God what He has for me. I mean, really, HIS PLANS are way bigger for me than my own plans!
And heck, Im so proud of my parents. Im so happy I have been able to stand together with them on a stage iin front of many many people and share Father´s love. It may seem sometimes that why the heck I have to live here with them still, but you know, its been a blessing. My parents are wonderful and so full of love. I pray to God that as many people as possible would experience what we have as a family!!!
Love, Kirsi