How weird. How weird it is that sometimes. Actually most of the times when I go shopping for clothes I still look for bigger sizes. And I still cant believe when jeans fit me. Or when I can find a nice dress and fit in it. Weird how my heart still bears this sign "fat". It is not all over the place anymore but pieces of that are still there. Its been 5-6 years when I weighed 10 kilos more than now. And I dont get it. How come I still believe Im back there. How come I cant take me as I am now and see myself as a beautiful woman. A lovely being who is so so so loved!!!! And how come I somehow believe I need to loose some weight???
Well. I know one thing. I am not big. I am not fat. And I am not ugly. But a part of me believes that. You know its like, you know the truth but still believe the lies when they come up. And sometimes here in UK, its not easy. I mean. I dont have my own people here. I do have a family but I mean ppl who were with me in times I was struggling with eating disorders. And ppl who saw me changing. Who were there for me. And who helped me out.
Mmmh. These are just some random thoughts. And why in the world I even started thinking about that? Well, I was reading this magazine about women who had lost weight and I studdenly saw myself. I got these weird ideas that I too should loose weight. That I too should be a size smaller etc. Do you see how it starts?? Something has been written there already long time ago and in order to get it out you need to see them as they are, LIES! Big fat ugly lies. And even if I´d be a bit chubby? And even if I´d be a bit bigger? I mean would my value as a woman would be nothing then?? No, I´d still be an amazing and lovely woman. I´d still be loved by God and my family and friends!
And I am not saying doing sports is not ok! Doing sports is wonderful! Just dont do it for the wrong motives. And if you are a bit bigger so what? You can always start changing that by thinking right! Coz then all the rest will happen anyway. You see that maybe it was comfort eating, maybe this anorexia was just a cover up. Or maybe you threw up that food coz actually you are just hurting so much you hate yourself...
So hear me when I say that YOU´RE beautiful and everything to Him! Your value is enormous!!!!!!! Bigger then anything in this world!! And here me when I say that Daddy has the best for you. Uuh He has got the best for me! I know it. Even when lies come up I try to look into my Dad instead. And DUH its hard. It is not easy.
Anyway. Kirsi is a bit (well thats not rightly said), a lot tired lately. I am having a day off tomorrow. Wish a few people would be here with me then. Just with me!
Love
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