Day 182: A new day indeed

Its 6:04 am and in an hour Im going to work and serve 14 people their breakfast! It is a whole new day and everything I do today I want to do with a good heart. Its been so very freaking hard to have a pure heart the last 2 weeks.
I want to tell a bit whats been going on. I tried to write a blog yesterday like 5-6 times and erased my text every time just because I couldnt go on. It was hard. So here I am today, trying again, hoping to succeed. I am in a better place this morning. So here I go...
Paul-Rosie had a holiday. Rui-Chi had a holiday. And Nathalie left to Holland. Vicki had to leave for a couple of days. So there I was, the only volunteer in the house with Robert. And finally with Vicki as well (+ 1 lady who came to help, but for me, not so much of a help, coz she is someone I can not really relate to if you know what I mean). Anyway. It was ok for a while until we all got tired. And if a team is breakable then its hard to work together. We did our best, we managed. And Im so thankful we have our chapel-times, without that I dont know how we could have done it all. (Something good and strange happened actually with that, I had a chance to lead worship 2 times this week and it was wonderful). And now finally everyone (well, except N) are starting to flow back here, for which Im more then grateful.
But see, my heart. Its been in a hard and heavy place. Until yesterday morning I noticed something while serving people. For the first time I could choose to be over the bad and crappy things (Im not here to judge so Im am not telling you the details of the things that have happened) and serve people with a smile. Apologize when things went wrong and move on. I did say a couple of cuss words to myself occationally and went outside like 3-4 times to breathe, but I didnt give up. I countinued serving. A year ago, maybe even 6 months ago I wouldnt have been able to do that. To be in this point where Im like "Kirsi, you know it sucks, its bad and you want to run, but stay! Stay and choose to serve. What you give and do is serving these people of this B&B and how you act is showing them how you love!" So there I was. Continuing. Not running! And for the first time even I saw myself aside. And I liked what I saw! :)
Wow, I can write this blog and I havent erased it yet. And not gonna probably.
So. God has brought me to a place of learning patience. Of learning gratitude. Of learning to love without conditions. Of learning to work with people with whom it is hard to work. Of learning and growing in Him. And I am not in a good place at all still. But I want to trust and see Him. I am honest with you, I haven opened my Bible since I came to Bala 6 months ago. And not because I dont want to but I still cant. I dont know where the roots are. And why I cant. But I know there will be a day and I cant put the Bible aside anymore. I know also that this day wont be far. And the thing is, I am also doubting so many things, but He is somehow IN control. See, I love God. No matter how shitty I FEEL or think or am. He has always been a part of my life and always will. I could date boys who are not Christian but I cant. I love God too much and I cant
change that. Thats who I am.
And Im still praying for Daddy to bring friends here to me. I am already believing its all coming. And what will happen I dont know. Maybe Ill meet some local people, maybe He will send someone for far. I still find it easier to talk to foreigners here then local people. So Daddy, I thank You for You are in control! :)
So now you know How Kirsi has been doing.
Just 1 more week and we have a school here. For which I am happy. A little change to our rutine.
Just 2 more weeks and Im going to Germany.
And 3 more weeks and Canada, here I come! :)

And please. If you pray, I dont know... wow I have never asked that. But please pray for me. Pray that I would know what to do after March, to stay here or to go. Pray for my family (Esters whole hand is in plaster. And my mum has a throat infection and they are all flying to C in 12 days). Pray that I would find a friend or friends. And pray that my CD with Susi in 2 weeks would work out, that we would flow together and the CD will be amazing! :)

Have I ever told you that I actually have wonderful friends all over the world. And that includes you, my dear friends. I have been a bit grumpy lately, wondering if I am forgotten. But bad thoughts, they have swam away coz I dont want to linger in these thoughts. I have amazing people in Estonia, in Latvia, in Finland, in Holland, in America, in Canada... Everywhere. And I love you. I love you so very much and wish you could all visit me here, to see the beauty of Bala. I had this sweet call to Estonia to a friend (back from music-school times) yesterday. And I realized how much I am loved. Its just that people have a lot to do. And not these days, but all the time. And its not that we forget each other, we just move on with our lives sometimes. We continue our everyday lives without noticing that someone went abroad or stayed. But then, we remember. And we do something small. Like send a card. Just to remind them that we love them. So after the call he texted me how much he misses me. And I smiled like an hour after that. I couldnt put that off. I was happy. Little thing. Such a little act. Such a small word. He misses me. And it changed my whole being. Into a better person. Cant even explain that. So thats why I know, that whenever I post a card, send a text, a letter or a sms, it makes someone happy. Do other what you want people to do to you! :) Makes life a whole lot easier!
I am writing and cant stop anymore. Hihi. I think I have to though. Shower calling. I can hear it. ;) Alright. Be well. Trust God. May His favor be with you today and tomorrow and the days to come! I mean it. These are not just words. His favor is the best thing ever! I know! :) Trust me in this one!
Yours,
Kirsi ;)