Beautiful

So I guess you all know I love God. And how much I rely on Him... Well at least I try to on most times, not successful always, but anyway. This blog is not about that.
Its about me. Its about how He gave me a song about ME! Well, most of my songs are about trying to find something, about God, about love... But this song is about me and I wrote it in Wales 1,5 years ago in one of my hardest times when I tried to get over the broken engagement etc etc. So I haven't shared it with anyone yet but I want to write down the lyrics. And I want to record it (maybe not today but soon and ooh, Im gonna sing it in Pärnu this weekend when I share my testimony to girls)... So here we go:

I AM YOURS

Coz I am Beautiful, I am Beautiful, Im Yours
The way Im Fearfully and Wonderfully made
Daddy, I am Yours and I am Yours
Daddy I am Yours

Coz Im Fearfully and Wonderfully made
Coz Im the Crown of the Creation, the Creation
Coz Im Beautifully and Wonderfully made
Daddy I am Yours, I am Yours
I am YOURS

iPhone

So I was thinking that since I dont have my camera anymore Id still love to have pictures from Estonian Independence Day, so I took my iPhone and went out for a walk and captured some pretty good stuff. I just wanted to share with you what a wonderful beautiful day I had full of sunshine, cake (one of the best cheese-cakes Ive ever made, though after eating a small tiny peace I went out for a walk for an hour just to feel better again, hahhaa), cat-time, friends, family... Just a good good day! :)

Whitney Houston - I Look To You

I
I have been listening to this song about 15 times this morning and I find it just absolutely AMAZING!

Beautiful teeth!

On Monday I borrowed my dad´s car and drove to visit my cousin Tuuli who lives in a place I grew up as a kid. All the corners there are kind of known to me and it was just my way of getting away from here... My time to laugh and have fun in the snow. And the pictures she took are just beautiful. While we were looking them through on a big screen I felt like Im watchin someone else. Like it is not me laughing and having fun and being beautiful.
And I got back home, started editing some of them and realized I cant put that girl on the pictures together with me. It was as if it was some other girl. But it is me. With my big smile and good teeth (as everyone started to point out, well, I just have to mention that during this month I have spend way too much money on my dentist due to the root-channel-recovery-process, so I keep my teeth in good condition)... Anyway I guess we all need some sort of kick in our a... once in a while to realize we are beautiful. I mean I can talk about it and just keep talking but for some reason I still find it hard to put 2+2 together... JUST START believing! Believing the truth instead of the lies that keep naggin at the back of your head from time to time. Believe you were made to be beautiful, you were made to be wonderful and marvelous! And that Your (mine) Heavenly Father sees you in that way already! :) Gotta run to work now (thats another story I need to write down soon, but not now!), so be blessed and safe! K

Last Saturday we had a chance to lead worship with Margus in Tartu Salem Church. We had a wonderful fellowship time together with a few friends of mine (and they rock I must say)... Margus recorded the music we did and here is a link where you can download and enjoy worship both in English and Estonian:
http://www.speedyshare.com/p2NAc/tartu.mp3

I am enough!

His love is enough. I do not know much but what I know is enough to get me through today. His love is enough.
I have had some pretty bad thoughts lately. I have been down more often then I remember... And to be honest its sometimes easier to stay down then to get up and start going again. There have been some bright moments like FREEDOM-event and last Saturday we had a  prayer-worship day in Tartu and yet I feel as though Im missing some important link.
Maybe, just maybe I found that today while I was walking to work. Maybe.
As I started my 10-minute walk I suddenly felt like praying. Praying for my today, for the kids I work with, for my lovelife (which I dont have, haha), for the people I have in my life... Missing link? Really. And my day has been a lot better than the days before. Just a simple prayer of thanks. Just the knowledge that His love really is enough. Somehow it changed my Monday. Not to mention a simple yet an awesome text-msg from a friend! Huh how many times have I said that you don't know the value of your words to someone. The value of a hug or a smile. Just a simple THANK YOU to someone can really change the atmosphere! So simple. And somehow so hard or is it? :)
If Im really honest with myself I know that tomorrow I might wake up and have a really hard morning again. But do I really want to just get by each day or do I want to actually enjoy my days no matter what they bring and no matter how hard they are... Working with kids is NOT, I say, NOT easy! Each kid is so different and each kid has something they bring with them to kindergarten. Maybe unsolved problems at home, maybe a bad word from a dad or maybe a broken heart... And so many are in a BIG need for some love. And who am I to deny it to them? Who am I to say that I wont give you a hug if you need one! Somehow it seems like grownups so easily forget what it was like to be a 6-year old or a 5-year old... Oh men, I was yearning for a kiss from my dad, for him to tell me Im a Princess. Yet where are those dads who do that now?

So. Jup. Im getting more excited for the beginning of March since there will be a weekend in Pärnu where I can share my life with many girls... I am already preparing some stuff for them, presents etc. I remember when I was 15 years old and needed someone to tell me Im pretty just the way I am. And there was no one. So I want to be that someone now. For them!
Alright. :)

Mida tunneb süda - Kirsika (akustiline versioon)

I have been working for the last 2 days. I do not have a normal job where I always know what Im doing. Well, mostly I never ever never know what Im doing. Im going there in the morning and basically improvising all day long. Well, and then again, what is a normal job?
These 2 days have been heavy and hard but its also coz I was not working for the last 2 weeks due to his sickness and mine. So its just strange to be back at work probably and some other things I cant talk about here...

You know what? I have to stop listening to people around me who think they know it all but then come to me and say I HAVE to know my next 10.year plan and if I dont, well, that sucks! When have I ever known what is about to come? I mean had a Skype-call to my crazy Latvian yesterday and what she said made me think... That there are so many people who go through years and years or university or some other big school and then they graduate and God tells them to go into missions for example???!!! That is such a God-thing! Im not saying that its not important to know whats in your heart. It is absolutely very important. What Im saying is that we just NEED to trust God to really come and break through. I cant just keep planning my own life like its only MY life. My life is His! I belong to Him. And if He wants me to go somewhere other than my own original idea I want to be ready for that!
I know what lies in my heart. I know what I want to do. And I know that God knows my desires and also your desires. I couldnt fall a sleep last night. Just kept thinking and thinking and thinking. About why I dont have my own husband, my own place, my own my own my own??? And you know, it was just so much about me, my needs, what I want that I did not have place for God there. It was as if MY life was so important that I forgot to ask God what He has for me. I mean, really, HIS PLANS are way bigger for me than my own plans!
And heck, Im so proud of my parents. Im so happy I have been able to stand together with them on a stage iin front of many many people and share Father´s love. It may seem sometimes that why the heck I have to live here with them still, but you know, its been a blessing. My parents are wonderful and so full of love. I pray to God that as many people as possible would experience what we have as a family!!!
Love, Kirsi

If worship´s like perfume, I´ll pour mine out on You!

Yesterday morning started as any other. But then I got angry to something and felt like falling apart. I snapped at my mum, I was bitter and spat out some words I never should have. And then apologized, kissed her on the cheek and packed myself in a car. Little car full of 5 people going to Tallinn, to Freedom-event! Then I broke down the second time when I saw other bands on stage. I snapped at my team-member and then I was like, I NEED TO CALM DOWN. I need to shut up for a moment. And a good thing is, when one is down, another one steps up. My mum started praying and peace came. A little peace, but it was enough.
We had our rehearsal. Then the waiting-time started. Around 2pm people started gathering and they just kept coming and coming and coming... Until there was NO space to breathe and move, more then 300 people in a small church. First groups were up and it was just wonderful to see how Estonian people worship God. It was beautiful and precious. It started at 3pm and we got up on stage around 7pm... Whu, long waiting, BUT so worth it. My God is so gracious. So (Im actually shaking my head now, coz I have no words how Big He is).
I have been struggling with many things lately. My eating, my thoughts, my future, my past. And I know Im not worthy to stand in front of people, in front of Him. Im not some BIG woman of God who can bring people into a place of worship.
But the good news is HE CAN! And He is doing that. Again and again and again... He is leading me. He is guiding me and all Im doing, is trying my best to follow. So much happened last night, but what is always number 1 and most important, is that I see, HE USES me in all my imperfection! In all my struggles and anxiety and pain and hurt and anger. He loves me. He loves being with me on stage. He is God. And He is love. It was so beautiful to get that knowledge deep in my heart while I stood in front of 300 people and maybe more. (+ppl who followed online through Pildiraadio!).

Its a new day. I woke up with a sore body, but with a happy heart. A thankful heart. A heart that said to God that He knows best. And He knows it all.
Be blessed. Really. I mean it. Be blessed in your life. In your choices, heart, love, in your journey with Him! Be blessed!

Money?

The video I posted last night touched everything in me. It touched something deeper. Some part that I didn't know exists. I thought I know so much of life already. That I have lived and loved. Laughed and hurt. Man, I know nothing. That boy is gonna die. He is living his life to the fullest NOW. The word. The end.
He does what he loves NOW. He has no time to wait until one day... He has no one day. He has this day and this HIS fullest.
We wait. We usually wait for a better tomorrow. For a better someone. For a better weather. For sun to come out. For money to come in. For people around us to change. For something something.
We dont even realize we are NOT living to the fullest. When do I start to enjoy the moment. When will I realize Ester will never be 7 again, its her last few months of that and then she is 8 and I never even enjoyed her 7... She asked me the other day when our parents where away that WHY do we always fight when everybody´s home and get along when they are gone... It hurt. I smiled and said I dont know. But I do know. Its as if I expect everybody else to DEAL with her while Im like, heck, Im not her mum plapla. She is LOVELY. She is so precious. And enjoyable.
Or that trip. To somewhere. Pick a country. Oh, But I dont have money. Heck, who does??? If even people who have millions of dollars cant enjoy it... Then when do we realize its not about money. IT DOES not make us happy, NEVER did and never will. Its about deciding right now, right here, that we can do it differently. Even if it requires hitch-hiking to somewhere or EARNING your money. Please please lets make our dreams come true.
I might never have the right moment. But I have RIGHT NOW. I have this moment. I feel like an empty tomato right now. But it DOES not have to stay like that. I wanna live my dreams.
Just watch that video. I know its 10 minutes, but its WORTH it!

My Last Days

Happiness is not a limited resource!

Ps. I just noticed my blog or maybe youtube or smth suddenly changed the main video. So if you look at the link, it shows an arrow. Press on the arrow and there´s a video about Christopher!!!!! (I watched the Noel video just 4 minutes ago and its absolutely amazing as well!!)

How much worse can it get? Really. I have a few days left until Vabadus-event and I feel as though my body is just getting worse. I cant even breathe properly. Today has been just one big blur for me. Felt quite alright last night already and today... Well, what can I say.
Please carry me in your prayers. I dont do that often. I mean ask people to pray for me. But right now I just dont know. What I do know, is that my God is bigger than any sickness and any attack. So I ask for prayer and just love from you, my friend, right now! :)
Hugs, Kirsi

Those who read my blog, please please do not write to me on FB this week coz Im not there. Im kind of taking a break (not to confuse with fasting), a long-needed break. From all the people, from all the likes (and the need to get likes), from all the "look, what I had for breakfast-pictures" etc. I have no idea how long that break is for me but right now until Saturday for sure. We´ll see. Sometimes I grow so weary and tired of all the people that I actually dont know, their doings, everyday life. Like Im living in their life without even knowing them. Tired tired tired. Anyway, this is not me FASTING of smth.
Wanna keep in touch? Well, I have my phone. I have my e-mail address. Contact me. Skype me. Even better - visit me! Be a friend that FB somehow takes away from us! :)

I have been sick for a week now. Huh, not good. Last night was up around 5am because of a sudden coughing attack or smth like that. It just does not feel great to be at home and do nothing. I am a bit better today already so we´ll see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully sunshine and more health... ;)

My mum

No, she doesn't have a birthday. And no, it is not a Mother´s day. It is just another Sunday.
I just wanted to say out here how awesome she is. I probably say it to her too little anyway so since I know she is a big fan of mine, haha, and reads my blog every day, then, here we go:
"MUM, YOURE WONDERFUL. While you are sick, you take care of others. You have been curing dad for 2 weeks now, not to mention Ester and me. All the time and effort you put to make us feel better. You´re just great. I think everyone who know you know how big heart you have. And only people who live here, hear you cry and your broken heart from time to time... Its because you carry people there. You carry their burdens and joys. You carry all your children and extended family. I love you veryvery meny!!!"
I wish time would stop sometimes and I could just be a little girl all over again. But Im not. Im a grown-up woman with a heart of a child. And I love my parents so much. So here it is for my MUM!

Kirsika Maamägi

Tean, et see on kaugel sellest "perfect" videost, mida ma oma peas võibolla ootasin. Vigu täis keeleliselt, palju parasiitsõnu. Aga see olen mina. Kirsika. Sellega, mis mu südames on. Ja see video ongi rohkem reklaamina mõeldud. Ja ps! Mul oli anoreksia veidi kauem ikka, kui 1,5 aastat. See läks lihtsalt veidi sassi suure närviga! :)

There are days when I really miss Bala. I miss the peace. I miss the mountains. I miss the lake and the roads I used to walk. I know Ill go back there one day. To visit, to remember, to smell, to see. I love how every day I went for walks and found something new to see. And how it was not cold there.
And yet. Living back in memories does nobody good. It just does not change the present. Instead it might want to draw people back into the past and let them dwell there. So often I find myself dwelling in my past. Mistakes I made, or the good stuff that happened. And I stop enjoying the moment. Or I go way ahead into the future, worrying and thinking over.

I think that has happened to me at the moment.
I live in Türi-Alliku. I live together with my parents and Ester and Siimu. And especially on days I dont have to go to work I find myself going back in time. Thinking what was then and how good it was. Not realizing that its RIGHT now that matters. This moment here. My moments. The joy that life can give me if Id allow it to... The beauty of RIGHT NOW. And I forget to breathe. I forget what breathing really means. Coz Im so busy finding faults with everyday life. So busy not seeing. Not hearing. Not listening.
Sometimes Im so mad at dad coz he likes to be awake late into the night time. And he listens music then and walks around and makes some sounds that wont let me sleep. And yet Im jealous of him how he finds his time with God then. Its his quiet time when everybody else is sleeping and he can just be. Breathe.

We all need that time. to breathe. to see. to listen. to know what stirs your heart and to find the moments NOW that... that help you stay close to God. To Him that loves you. Loves me passionately and fiercely.

Speak. Love. Live.

Speak.
Speak the words of life.
The door is open. To speak the words of life over beautiful precious women. I have been invited to speak my testimony and story in Pärnu on the first weekend of March. Im both excited and scared. Im honored to do that yet Im so afraid its crazy. But then Im reminded that its not my words of life. Its Gods words of Life and Restoration. Its His work. Not mine. Im a spokesperson for Him. And that is comforting.
Speak.
I had another kind of experience on the 27th of January, Sunday. Had to go to Tallinn to do a short videoclip for Freedom-event. Seriously. I dont remember myself being that scared for a long time. It was not a question-answer kind of thing. It was more like "Kirsika speaking with a camera-thing" and that was hard. I was told not to use any parasite-words and man I do that a lot. So Im not sure I dare to even watch it when it finally comes out at one point, haha... Anyway. Speak. The words of life.

And speak love. Tell people you love them. Tell them God is love. Show them. Act love out. And not out of yourself but out of God in you. Hard to explain easier to show. ;)
Love is not so hard as it seems to be. Love is just a simple hug. Love is Ester telling me I should get married. Love is a cup of coffee. Love is a smile. Love is God. And God is love. :)

hommik. peegel. meie.

me teeme seda enesele aru andmata.
me ärkame hommikul, läheme peegli ette ja näeme ennast. ja siis kõnnime vannituppa, ja vaatame jälle peeglisse.
ja siis mõtleme, et võiks ju natuke kaalust alla võtta. et kõht võiks lamedam olla.
ja jalad võiksid väiksemad olla. saledamad.
ja me ei pane isegi tähele, et me nii mõtleme. ehk siis, kui me maha istume ja natuke aru peame selle üle, mis meie peas päeva jooksul läbi käib.
mina teen seda.
võibolla sa ei tee. ja mul on selle üle hea meel.
aga millegi pärast on meil kõigil enda keha kohta mõtteid, mis ei ole head.
ja me võibolla arvame, et meil on kõik korras, sest me ju meeldime iseendale.
ja järgmist jäätisekaussi näost sisse ajades mõtleme, et see on ju kõigest lohutus millelegi, mis on haiget teinud.
ja siis see järgmine komm. ah, see on kõigest 1 komm ju. ma vajan seda kommi, sest mul on millegi pärast paha tuju. sest keegi ütles mulle midagi halba. või ei õelnud midagi head.
enesele aru andmata teeme me end päeva jooksul sadu kordi maha. ja me isegi ei märka seda. sest see on loomulik. normaalne.ja siis kui me uusi riideid ostame, on meil paha tuju, sest midagi ei lähe selga. ja me ei leia seda, mida me tegelikult tahaksime.

ja me ei ole endaga rahul. ja me teeme endale haiget. me varastame iseendilt rõõmu. ja laseme teistel seda varastada. ja teised isegi ei tea seda. me arvame, et "temal" on ju raudselt kõik korras. et "temal" on ilus keha ja tore poiss. et "tema" ei mõtle nii, nagu meie.

kuigi tegelikult ei saa me mitte kunagi olla täiuslikud. isegi, kui meil on maailma arvates täuslik keha, ei ole me ikkagi... me oleme kõik erilised, omamoodi. me oleme imelikud. me oleme unikaalsed. me oleme tehtud miljoniteks ja biljoniteks erilisteks. sest nii on hea. ja nii oli Tema plaan. Ainukese Täiusliku plaan.
ma nii igatsen, et ma peaksin seda iga kord meeles, kui ma peeglisse vaatan.
või kui ma jäätist söön.
või kui ma näen kedagi, kellel on "ideaalne" keha.
sest minul on ju ka.
minu keha. ja minu jalad. ja minu kõht.

Different

Ive got my ticket for the long way ´round...

Fun. I had so much fun last night. While in Canada my sister and Chris showed me a movie called Pitch Perfect and I got hooked. With one song. And it was a crazy cool song. Something I felt challenged to try. And for some reason I really wanted to do it. Coz it was different and yet brilliant.
And since I still have a yet-lag (duuh, Ive been home since Tuesday and I still aint over the time-difference plus I had to be at work already on W-day and that was not cool) I needed to do something fun for a change. So I was like, I WANT to learn how to play cups. And it took me "only" the whole evening but I did it and Im proud of myself. I really am. I cant say I nailed it but it is not bad. Not bad at all.
Challenges can be scary sometimes but worth it. It is so not a typical Kirsi-song but why not? Why cant I do something different! ;)

It is good to be back at home but I miss V. I really really miss her. She is something special. My beautiful sister and one of my best girls! And my time there was precious! And now Im back here and I just wanna make every second count...
:)

Something she said today.
We were driving home with Vaarika and suddenly started talking about my departure on Tuesday. And then V said that its so natural that Im here, that Im like a part of her everyday life now and she is used with me. And I just wanted to hug her so hard and not let go... She is my home. She is a part of me even if we are so different its crazy. She calls me weird and I think she is actually the weird one...
But just to hear these words. My heart is so happy for her. She is blessed to have Chris and a beautiful home. I know my Father takes care of her and I need not to worry. Its been a joy to be here, to be a part of their life for 3 weeks (well, still got a few days to go but why not to say it out loud now!!). :)