To be blessed is good, but to be a blessing is amazing!
Well, I realized something yesterday. I was blessed with some money and yes, I felt good and everything... BUT then in the evening I had a chance to give away a bag full of clothes and I felt amazing. So where´s the catch? You know, when you bless someone, it can just change your perspective from me-me-me to you-you-you. There are friends around you who are in need, people around you who have 1% of what you have. I mean, cmn, I have a closet full of clothes that I can share with others. Maybe I am not the richest person in the world, but I sure am more blessed then I can imagine...
Thank u God for remainding me this!
19.12.10
4.12.10
My story
So I’ve wanted to write down my story in English for a while now… But something has always stopped me. Not having enough time maybe or just forgetting. But I’m about to do it now. Just for some of you who have asked me since you don’t understand English. And I just want you guys to know me a bit better. And I am not ashamed to tell the world that my God healed me from something that seemed impossible to recover from. Yes.
So here I go with this!
I was always a bit chubby, but so what, many kids were. But something inside of me was different. I was always known by my voice, people appreciated the fact that I sang beautiful and that was all they saw; at least it seemed like that to me. Now when I look back I know it is not the truth. But the thing is that I wanted to be noticed not by my voice.
Girls want to be seen by their dads, by boys around them, by their friends and so on. I wanted to be accepted.
And in the near future I paid a price for that…
I was 16. I decided that in order to be liked by people I needed to do something. I wasn’t being picked at school or anything. There were just some things in my heart already from the past that were hurting. Plus I wanted to have a boyfriend. You know, everybody should have a boyfriend, right?
And I wanted to feel like I’m loved the same way my sister was. She was a very petite girl with many admirers. But the one thing I didn’t realise was this: having many boyfriends doesn’t give you the joy and peace in life, it actually just ruins you.
So there I was, 16, just turning 17 in a couple of months and starting to get this idea of how to lose a couple of kilos. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist. I have wanted things to be in order and I needed to gain a control over something. And that something decided to take over.
At first I wanted to lose 3-4 kilos. That doesn’t harm, does it? That was my thinking. I was 1,67 cm tall and my weight was about 68 kilos… I must say I didn’t like my body. I almost never wore any nice clothes, I was ashamed. I tried to hide behind baggy shirts, loose pants. That was me. People didn’t know the real inside story of mine. They saw my shining smile, my always "I am happy" face.
And so I started. I decided that the best way to lose a bit is to start eating 2 times a day. No snacks, no drinks between. So there it was: breakfast and lunch. It was ok at the beginning since I had my first meal in school and second one at home. Oh the joy of losing the first kilos. I couldn’t believe that the first time ever I started to like myself.
But when it gets a hold of you it also knows how to start rolling like a snowball. And eventually it is like a big snowball.
So it took me 6 months. With 6 months I had lost 24 kilos out of 68. You can do the counting. I had reached a point where there was no turning back. No period anymore, no joy, just bare skin and bones…
I still ate something. It wasn’t that I just lived without any food. I loved food. Don’t get me wrong, I had problems, yes, but I loved eating. It was a hate and love relationship. I tried to deal with this somehow.
My parents were panicking. I had gained a control that harmed my family and friends. I don’t know how to even explain that. I was the “drama-queen” at home. People lived under my emotional terror. I said and did things that I don’t want to remember. My dad tried to talk me out of this so many times. Since our family and relatives have never dealt with eating disorders then how could they even help? I went to the local doctors, school doctors. I lied. I didn’t know I lied but I did. I really with all my heart believed that everything is ok. And I really with all my heart knew that nothing was ok. I was torn between the thoughts in my head and heart. It went on for 2 years. I was 18, graduating my school. And I was nothing but bones and skin. I hated looking into the mirror, I was afraid to go out with people. I was afraid they will force me to eat. I had a few friends left who tried to help but I didn’t listen!
So there I was, 18 years old and 44 kilos.
At least I received some help during these 2 years. I had God. Ok I know, you might ask, but how could it even happen to you? How? You are and were a Christian? Well I tell you this, being a Christian doesn’t mean that bad things don’t happen to you. I am as human as any other person!
God was next to my pain and sadness all through these 2,5 years of anorexia. I know it now. I didn’t then… Somewhere in the middle, when my period stopped, I started to get anxious. I mean in the beginning people noticed me, made compliments, because 10 kilos to lose is ok. In the end people whispered when I passed by. And I can’t blame them. I felt sick to my stomach because I knew I had made a huge mistake. I knew I was going to lose my life like that. I knew I had a chance of not having any babies ever. But what could I do? I was like an animal that had been shot at and now was bleeding to death and didn’t know how to survive.
It was 2006, just the time my exam-period almost started. I went to the toilet and it had happened before but never that much. Blood, a lot of blood.
On a same day my mom took me to a local women doctor and first time someone told me into my face that hey you have a problem. You need help and I cannot help you. So she convinced me to go to Tartu. I was ok with that because it seemed like I might stay there for 2-3 days. But the thing is that nobody told me about 3 weeks.
I was supposed to go on a summer holiday, but one place was open suddenly. I know it was a miracle that I got in so much earlier. So in March 2006 I was in a hospital for 3 weeks instead of 3 days that I thought.
In my own little head I was thinking this: “Hey who needs 3 weeks; I can do it on my own. I just need to eat a little bit more!” But see, the thing is this, I only ate maybe 500 calories a day eventually and a little bit more in my mind was maybe an apple.
So I was scared on a first day. I knew nothing about the treatment. I knew nothing about right eating anymore. Morning arrived, I woke up; breakfast time; huge pile of porridge, 2 sandwiches, an apple, a bagel, hot chocolate. I was almost dying. I was scared like I said. But this was nothing as I learnt later. In 2,5 hours we had to eat a chocolate or something. In 2 hours we had lunch: potatoes, sauce, meat, milk, 2 breads, and something for dessert. In 2 hours we had yogurt. In 2 hours we had dinner: some soup… and so on! 5 times a day we were given food. I was eating like a grown-up man who does sports every day! Can you understand my agony now? I was literally in pain every evening, because my stomach couldn’t bear all this food. It was a lot. Yes, I got used to it on a 3rd week, but until then… Eating disorder is no joke. It is a sickness that wants to destroy your body. It is no way that one can come out of it without paying the price.
We had to talk to psychologists over these 3 weeks, meet doctors and had lots of tests and lots of food. It is a time that I never want back. I got free food as a treatment.
I was afraid. I was afraid that I’m going to gain all the weight back and more. I was afraid that I am going to be fat. All these things needed to be talked through. Oh and we talked there.
I met with many girls that had awful problems; problems that I don’t know if they ever got rid of. (There was a girl in my room whose parents had started teasing her while she was kid (that she was fat and so on), and when she was 14 she had both anorexia and bulimia, not a single normal word came out of her mouth anymore and the way she looked at you, there was no emotions left).
I know I am free now. But sometimes I still pay the price.
After 3 weeks I went home. I knew already then that my hospital time wasn’t for my bad. It was for me to learn how to eat again. And it dealt with problems, deeper problems. You know, eating disorders isn’t the problem, the real issues are deeper. It is just the result of the problem. So I mean it’s the same with cutting, or alcoholism and drug addicts. These things are the result of some other problems. So believe me when I say this, dealing with the real issues might be the hardest things ever…
It took me 1 whole year to gain the needed 15 kilos with the same eating I started at the hospital. And it took me 1,5 years to get my period back.
Yes, there are days when I don’t like the way I look. I stand in front of a mirror and think bad thoughts. There are days when I hate compliments. I don’t know how to receive them. But I eat. I eat like I didn’t in these 2,5 years. I love food like I said in the beginning of this story. And I have never stopped loving. 59 kilos is so much better than 44. I know so you better believe me!
I can still be a control freak. I have noticed that whenever I have some harder times in my heart, in my life, I lose appetite. And then I start losing weight as well. It is hard for me. I am not saying that I am still practising eating disorder habits but I am a woman. Women in this world face all kinds of challenges. Starting with magazines and ending with Facebook. You see, the thing is that this world dictates us how we should look and what we should eat. But God says to me and you: All beautiful you are, my darling; there is NO flaw in you! And He means it. It is not just a saying. Oh cmn, if God didn’t want me to know I’m pretty He would not have put this scripture in the Bible. Right?
I love saying to my girls how lovely they are. How beautiful they are, because they are. I love saying to young woman that they don’t need to look love from wrong places and find help from some bad addictions. Eating disorder is an addiction, sad, isn’t it?I know that this writing isn’t perfect. In many places it is all over the place, but I don’t care. I care that maybe someone is reading this and finds some help, some comfort. You know, there is a way out. I am a good example of that.
And to finish, I mean, I wouldn’t be here without God. So many people go to search help from weird and wrong places. Don’t do that. Ask Him to show you the way out. He will. He is a loving father.
I love u, my friend. Thanks for reading, thanks for not judging me for what I’ve done.
So here I go with this!
I was always a bit chubby, but so what, many kids were. But something inside of me was different. I was always known by my voice, people appreciated the fact that I sang beautiful and that was all they saw; at least it seemed like that to me. Now when I look back I know it is not the truth. But the thing is that I wanted to be noticed not by my voice.
Girls want to be seen by their dads, by boys around them, by their friends and so on. I wanted to be accepted.
And in the near future I paid a price for that…
I was 16. I decided that in order to be liked by people I needed to do something. I wasn’t being picked at school or anything. There were just some things in my heart already from the past that were hurting. Plus I wanted to have a boyfriend. You know, everybody should have a boyfriend, right?
And I wanted to feel like I’m loved the same way my sister was. She was a very petite girl with many admirers. But the one thing I didn’t realise was this: having many boyfriends doesn’t give you the joy and peace in life, it actually just ruins you.
So there I was, 16, just turning 17 in a couple of months and starting to get this idea of how to lose a couple of kilos. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist. I have wanted things to be in order and I needed to gain a control over something. And that something decided to take over.
At first I wanted to lose 3-4 kilos. That doesn’t harm, does it? That was my thinking. I was 1,67 cm tall and my weight was about 68 kilos… I must say I didn’t like my body. I almost never wore any nice clothes, I was ashamed. I tried to hide behind baggy shirts, loose pants. That was me. People didn’t know the real inside story of mine. They saw my shining smile, my always "I am happy" face.
And so I started. I decided that the best way to lose a bit is to start eating 2 times a day. No snacks, no drinks between. So there it was: breakfast and lunch. It was ok at the beginning since I had my first meal in school and second one at home. Oh the joy of losing the first kilos. I couldn’t believe that the first time ever I started to like myself.
But when it gets a hold of you it also knows how to start rolling like a snowball. And eventually it is like a big snowball.
So it took me 6 months. With 6 months I had lost 24 kilos out of 68. You can do the counting. I had reached a point where there was no turning back. No period anymore, no joy, just bare skin and bones…
I still ate something. It wasn’t that I just lived without any food. I loved food. Don’t get me wrong, I had problems, yes, but I loved eating. It was a hate and love relationship. I tried to deal with this somehow.
My parents were panicking. I had gained a control that harmed my family and friends. I don’t know how to even explain that. I was the “drama-queen” at home. People lived under my emotional terror. I said and did things that I don’t want to remember. My dad tried to talk me out of this so many times. Since our family and relatives have never dealt with eating disorders then how could they even help? I went to the local doctors, school doctors. I lied. I didn’t know I lied but I did. I really with all my heart believed that everything is ok. And I really with all my heart knew that nothing was ok. I was torn between the thoughts in my head and heart. It went on for 2 years. I was 18, graduating my school. And I was nothing but bones and skin. I hated looking into the mirror, I was afraid to go out with people. I was afraid they will force me to eat. I had a few friends left who tried to help but I didn’t listen!
So there I was, 18 years old and 44 kilos.
At least I received some help during these 2 years. I had God. Ok I know, you might ask, but how could it even happen to you? How? You are and were a Christian? Well I tell you this, being a Christian doesn’t mean that bad things don’t happen to you. I am as human as any other person!
God was next to my pain and sadness all through these 2,5 years of anorexia. I know it now. I didn’t then… Somewhere in the middle, when my period stopped, I started to get anxious. I mean in the beginning people noticed me, made compliments, because 10 kilos to lose is ok. In the end people whispered when I passed by. And I can’t blame them. I felt sick to my stomach because I knew I had made a huge mistake. I knew I was going to lose my life like that. I knew I had a chance of not having any babies ever. But what could I do? I was like an animal that had been shot at and now was bleeding to death and didn’t know how to survive.
It was 2006, just the time my exam-period almost started. I went to the toilet and it had happened before but never that much. Blood, a lot of blood.
On a same day my mom took me to a local women doctor and first time someone told me into my face that hey you have a problem. You need help and I cannot help you. So she convinced me to go to Tartu. I was ok with that because it seemed like I might stay there for 2-3 days. But the thing is that nobody told me about 3 weeks.
I was supposed to go on a summer holiday, but one place was open suddenly. I know it was a miracle that I got in so much earlier. So in March 2006 I was in a hospital for 3 weeks instead of 3 days that I thought.
In my own little head I was thinking this: “Hey who needs 3 weeks; I can do it on my own. I just need to eat a little bit more!” But see, the thing is this, I only ate maybe 500 calories a day eventually and a little bit more in my mind was maybe an apple.
So I was scared on a first day. I knew nothing about the treatment. I knew nothing about right eating anymore. Morning arrived, I woke up; breakfast time; huge pile of porridge, 2 sandwiches, an apple, a bagel, hot chocolate. I was almost dying. I was scared like I said. But this was nothing as I learnt later. In 2,5 hours we had to eat a chocolate or something. In 2 hours we had lunch: potatoes, sauce, meat, milk, 2 breads, and something for dessert. In 2 hours we had yogurt. In 2 hours we had dinner: some soup… and so on! 5 times a day we were given food. I was eating like a grown-up man who does sports every day! Can you understand my agony now? I was literally in pain every evening, because my stomach couldn’t bear all this food. It was a lot. Yes, I got used to it on a 3rd week, but until then… Eating disorder is no joke. It is a sickness that wants to destroy your body. It is no way that one can come out of it without paying the price.
We had to talk to psychologists over these 3 weeks, meet doctors and had lots of tests and lots of food. It is a time that I never want back. I got free food as a treatment.
I was afraid. I was afraid that I’m going to gain all the weight back and more. I was afraid that I am going to be fat. All these things needed to be talked through. Oh and we talked there.
I met with many girls that had awful problems; problems that I don’t know if they ever got rid of. (There was a girl in my room whose parents had started teasing her while she was kid (that she was fat and so on), and when she was 14 she had both anorexia and bulimia, not a single normal word came out of her mouth anymore and the way she looked at you, there was no emotions left).
I know I am free now. But sometimes I still pay the price.
After 3 weeks I went home. I knew already then that my hospital time wasn’t for my bad. It was for me to learn how to eat again. And it dealt with problems, deeper problems. You know, eating disorders isn’t the problem, the real issues are deeper. It is just the result of the problem. So I mean it’s the same with cutting, or alcoholism and drug addicts. These things are the result of some other problems. So believe me when I say this, dealing with the real issues might be the hardest things ever…
It took me 1 whole year to gain the needed 15 kilos with the same eating I started at the hospital. And it took me 1,5 years to get my period back.
Yes, there are days when I don’t like the way I look. I stand in front of a mirror and think bad thoughts. There are days when I hate compliments. I don’t know how to receive them. But I eat. I eat like I didn’t in these 2,5 years. I love food like I said in the beginning of this story. And I have never stopped loving. 59 kilos is so much better than 44. I know so you better believe me!
I can still be a control freak. I have noticed that whenever I have some harder times in my heart, in my life, I lose appetite. And then I start losing weight as well. It is hard for me. I am not saying that I am still practising eating disorder habits but I am a woman. Women in this world face all kinds of challenges. Starting with magazines and ending with Facebook. You see, the thing is that this world dictates us how we should look and what we should eat. But God says to me and you: All beautiful you are, my darling; there is NO flaw in you! And He means it. It is not just a saying. Oh cmn, if God didn’t want me to know I’m pretty He would not have put this scripture in the Bible. Right?
I love saying to my girls how lovely they are. How beautiful they are, because they are. I love saying to young woman that they don’t need to look love from wrong places and find help from some bad addictions. Eating disorder is an addiction, sad, isn’t it?I know that this writing isn’t perfect. In many places it is all over the place, but I don’t care. I care that maybe someone is reading this and finds some help, some comfort. You know, there is a way out. I am a good example of that.
And to finish, I mean, I wouldn’t be here without God. So many people go to search help from weird and wrong places. Don’t do that. Ask Him to show you the way out. He will. He is a loving father.
I love u, my friend. Thanks for reading, thanks for not judging me for what I’ve done.
29.11.10
22.11.10
Wedding
...invitations.
Yes, Im already making them. I just feel like Im gonna get a job starting January (ok, nothing is sure, I havent even applied anywhere, I just would like to have a job...) and I probably wont be having so much free time then anymore. So Im making a lot of stuff now already. Including wedding invitations. Im making them myself and thats why it takes tons of time. I have made 20 by now and still 25 or so to go. + non of the cards have anything inside yet coz some of the details arent fixed. So no info inside. just empty cards which bytheway are dropdeadgorgeous. I must say Im totally loving them. And I know Bible says that dont applaud to yourself, let someone else do it... but this time I somehow just like my own work. :)
Oh and we´re gonna have a FATHERS HEART CONFERENCE in 3 days in Rakvere. SO be there or you´re not my friend anymore. Ok, JK! :D
Love you :)
Yes, Im already making them. I just feel like Im gonna get a job starting January (ok, nothing is sure, I havent even applied anywhere, I just would like to have a job...) and I probably wont be having so much free time then anymore. So Im making a lot of stuff now already. Including wedding invitations. Im making them myself and thats why it takes tons of time. I have made 20 by now and still 25 or so to go. + non of the cards have anything inside yet coz some of the details arent fixed. So no info inside. just empty cards which bytheway are dropdeadgorgeous. I must say Im totally loving them. And I know Bible says that dont applaud to yourself, let someone else do it... but this time I somehow just like my own work. :)
Oh and we´re gonna have a FATHERS HEART CONFERENCE in 3 days in Rakvere. SO be there or you´re not my friend anymore. Ok, JK! :D
Love you :)
18.11.10
Constant stomachpain
Crap. I can even say the s word but dont want to. Oh. Why is it always before something I am about to do or some event, or a trip or...
Stomachpain.
For 3 days now.
Went to bed around 11 yesterday with the idea of sleeping. Ok, stomach was hurting a bit, tried to ignore it. Then around 2 o clock the pain was unbearable, took a painkiller. And then woke up dad and ended up in an ambulance. FUN. They did tests for 2 hours and then sent me home, coz nothing was found. Was suppose to go back today, but seriously I have had enough of these doctors in Paide. I might go to Tartu, to get some tests done there. Why is it hurting, I mean its not normal. Right? :/
Stomachpain.
For 3 days now.
Went to bed around 11 yesterday with the idea of sleeping. Ok, stomach was hurting a bit, tried to ignore it. Then around 2 o clock the pain was unbearable, took a painkiller. And then woke up dad and ended up in an ambulance. FUN. They did tests for 2 hours and then sent me home, coz nothing was found. Was suppose to go back today, but seriously I have had enough of these doctors in Paide. I might go to Tartu, to get some tests done there. Why is it hurting, I mean its not normal. Right? :/
15.11.10
I must be going nuts
Im loosing myself here. Seriously. I need a job. I need to do something that makes me happy. I know there is no way Im going to find a job at a time like this, but starting January Im hoping for something new in my life. Im so wanting to go to Tartu already to my friends and Timo. And Im going crazy because of that.
Im going to buy some stuff tomorrow so I could at least make some handycraft and be happy with this. I have 3 free days this week left and I need to do something with these days coz today I am just... Oeh no words needed.
And of course The Wedding. I mean I hope I wont be this panicking bride who wants everything to be P.erfect. Yes. I hope it works out without me going crazy even though it feels like I am already. Watchin pics every day online... And having thousands of ideas but not really knowing what will work, what not. I seriously wish I could go to Tallinn or Tartu with some friends and go through all the wedding shops and find a dress that would fit perfectly so at least this one HUGE thing would be done.
Jup. Thats me at the moment. A big mess that wants to get out. I love home and everything but seriously, it feels like cage at some point.
Im going to buy some stuff tomorrow so I could at least make some handycraft and be happy with this. I have 3 free days this week left and I need to do something with these days coz today I am just... Oeh no words needed.
And of course The Wedding. I mean I hope I wont be this panicking bride who wants everything to be P.erfect. Yes. I hope it works out without me going crazy even though it feels like I am already. Watchin pics every day online... And having thousands of ideas but not really knowing what will work, what not. I seriously wish I could go to Tallinn or Tartu with some friends and go through all the wedding shops and find a dress that would fit perfectly so at least this one HUGE thing would be done.
Jup. Thats me at the moment. A big mess that wants to get out. I love home and everything but seriously, it feels like cage at some point.
12.11.10
How...
...God blesses!
Its a bit strange to plan a wedding at a same time with your sister, but good also. You can share thoughts and ideas and... I love Vaarika. I LOVE that both of us are gonna get married in the coming year. Wow, its gonna be KIRSIKA PAPPE and VAARIKA MACDONALD then. :D How weird? :)
Went to Finland last week on Friday and came back this Wednesday. It was a great time (of course every trip has its bad moments and so did mine) and I had a lot of things happening to me.
Since I was babysitting Ester just before the trip for 2 weeks I got a little money from my parents. Ab 100 Euros. So I did buy a new winterjacket and some little stuff for me and Timo. And so the 100 Euros was gone by the end of the trip. But not really. Here is the thing. I still have that 100 Euros now. U ask me how? I will tell you.
Since I was babysitting Ester just before the trip for 2 weeks I got a little money from my parents. Ab 100 Euros. So I did buy a new winterjacket and some little stuff for me and Timo. And so the 100 Euros was gone by the end of the trip. But not really. Here is the thing. I still have that 100 Euros now. U ask me how? I will tell you.
2 people, both of them, decided to bless me with 50 Euros... And so in the end it feels like no money was spent but somehow I have new clothes in my closet... How? God provides.
I put this 100 E into my wedding envelope. I love my wedd envelope. It has about 250 Euros already and all of it has been a blessing from friends... I love how God provides.
God blesses also in other ways. Through encouraging words ("You have a beautiful voice, you have a blessed voice, a strong voice")... through beautiful and long hugs (people crying on your sholder because they feel the love of God through you)... Through gifts (recieved some good gifts during the trip) and through His word and worship.
I am a blessed woman. Im getting married. I have a home now. Even though I still dont have a job Im blessed. Blessed to be where I am. I do believe that coz when the storms come I have something to hang on to!
My wedding planning is sometimes driving me crazy. I love it and I dont love it sometimes. I love the detail stuff, finding things, I hate the money side... I guess every bride and groom have gone through the same hate/love relationship.
Its a bit strange to plan a wedding at a same time with your sister, but good also. You can share thoughts and ideas and... I love Vaarika. I LOVE that both of us are gonna get married in the coming year. Wow, its gonna be KIRSIKA PAPPE and VAARIKA MACDONALD then. :D How weird? :) Alright.
8.11.10
SO
If u read my blog, please leave a note here coz I really so much want to know who in the world are coming here... since I have this add here where I can see all these countries and places from where ppl visit my blog, I mean you are so many... who are you? :D haha
3.11.10
2.11.10
Ester :)
Küsisin siis Essult, et kust sa nii pruunid silmad said? Ja tema vastu : Jumal andis! Ja siis joonistas edasi...
Ester armastusest: Seda et ma armastat emmet ja tema süda on punane ja et meie perekonna süda oleks punane! :)
Essu nali nr.2. Armastan ju meie perekonda. ISEGI Timot armastan! :D
Ester armastusest: Seda et ma armastat emmet ja tema süda on punane ja et meie perekonna süda oleks punane! :)
Essu nali nr.2. Armastan ju meie perekonda. ISEGI Timot armastan! :D
31.10.10
Ester
Essu hakkas täna kell 7:50 rääkima, et tema tahab multikaid vaatama tulla. Ja tuleme siis elutuppa ja ma panen arvuti tööle... ja kell on 7:00... SHOOT! Tegelikult nii ju ongi, sest oli kellakeramine. Oeh, kuidas ma ei mäletanud. Ja multikaid ka ei tule mingi enne kahte tundi. Päris tore!
Homme on FB! Eks ma annan sis ülevaate, kui mitu kirja jms jura mul seal on selle 7 päevaga, kui ma ei ole käinud. A ja ma panen endale piirangud peale. Mingi 30 minutit iga päev, no more! :D
Igal juhul kell on nüüd 7:01 hommikul... vägev
http://weddings.theknot.com/pwp/pwp2/view/MemberPage.aspx?coupleId=5205228278115127&MsdVisit=1 = see minu ja Timi pulmakodukas muide! ;)
Homme on FB! Eks ma annan sis ülevaate, kui mitu kirja jms jura mul seal on selle 7 päevaga, kui ma ei ole käinud. A ja ma panen endale piirangud peale. Mingi 30 minutit iga päev, no more! :D
Igal juhul kell on nüüd 7:01 hommikul... vägev
http://weddings.theknot.com/pwp/pwp2/view/MemberPage.aspx?coupleId=5205228278115127&MsdVisit=1 = see minu ja Timi pulmakodukas muide! ;)
29.10.10
Ma vist...
...hakkan vanaks jääma. Olen terve reedese päeva telekat vaadates veetnud. Stupid huh? Ärkasin kell 7.16, kui Essu minu kaissu tahtis pugeda ja siis pidime juba üles tõusma, et ta kella kaheksaks lasteaeda saada. Selline hommik ja päev siis. Minu reede.
Minu reedeõhtu aga tuleb huvitavam natuke. Toon kohe varsti Essu koju ja siis teen talle süüa ja siis hakkame joonistama, multikaid vaatama ja siis tuleb pesu aeg ja panengi ta tuttu. Ja nii suht iga päev.
Ühesõnaga terve nädal on veel ees ja siis lõpeb mu 2 nädalat lapsehoidja tööd. :)
Minu reedeõhtu aga tuleb huvitavam natuke. Toon kohe varsti Essu koju ja siis teen talle süüa ja siis hakkame joonistama, multikaid vaatama ja siis tuleb pesu aeg ja panengi ta tuttu. Ja nii suht iga päev.
Ühesõnaga terve nädal on veel ees ja siis lõpeb mu 2 nädalat lapsehoidja tööd. :)
28.10.10
4 days
Now it has been 4 days. I decieved today for 1sec. I just clicked on FB page to see how many letters and notifications... 5 letters and ab 20 notifications. I am getting unpatient :D On monday I get to read all this stuff then. Not fair. Hahaha.
27.10.10
3 days
Ive been 3 days without FB... Going crazy, seriously! :D I mean its like I want to know whats going on there. And Ive pressed a few times accidentally on FB page and then it clicked that Im fasting... haha... So I still havent been there really! So I mean in the beginning of next week I probably will have like 50 new notifications or more. Addicted. I know. :)
25.10.10
23.10.10
so...
...here is the thing.
Im tired. Im tired of some stuff in my life. Im tired of having no fire. Tired of telling not the whole truth about my heart-condition. And tired of people not caring about people. Tired of being at home. Tired of running between places to be in a contact with the people I love.
I am tired of singing songs that have no meaning to me. I do love worship. Thats not what Im saying here. Once Katja told me that she doesnt want to sing if God isnt telling her stuff into her heart. I know what she says. Ive been there AND I am there. I am made to worship. Its just sometimes I am singing songs and actually doesnt mean it... Have you heard JASON UPTON song that starts : ... tired of telling You You have me, when I know You really dont... If my silence is more truthful...
Well, thats how I feel. Im tired.
And I feel a huge sadness in my heart. Somehow I feel I have been left alone. I have family. Yes. I have friends. Yes. I have a fiancé. Yes. BUT all of them are going on with their lives. And Im sitting here. with no changes. NO fire in me to go on.
Yes, I do wait Fathers Heart Conference in Rakvere. And I know it wont be just another conference. It will be a place of healing.
And I miss my friends constantly. Living in Tartu was easier. At least I had them when I needed them and even when I didnt need them for any certain reason, I still had them close. Now I have to drive 1,5 hours to see any friends at all. It makes me sad and lonely.
Oh and one more thing. I think way too much. Thoughts of sadness, lonelyness and something that I cant say here.
I need a change.
Oh. And 2 weeks at home with Ester and Morri. Not helping a bit.
Im tired. Im tired of some stuff in my life. Im tired of having no fire. Tired of telling not the whole truth about my heart-condition. And tired of people not caring about people. Tired of being at home. Tired of running between places to be in a contact with the people I love.
I am tired of singing songs that have no meaning to me. I do love worship. Thats not what Im saying here. Once Katja told me that she doesnt want to sing if God isnt telling her stuff into her heart. I know what she says. Ive been there AND I am there. I am made to worship. Its just sometimes I am singing songs and actually doesnt mean it... Have you heard JASON UPTON song that starts : ... tired of telling You You have me, when I know You really dont... If my silence is more truthful...
Well, thats how I feel. Im tired.
And I feel a huge sadness in my heart. Somehow I feel I have been left alone. I have family. Yes. I have friends. Yes. I have a fiancé. Yes. BUT all of them are going on with their lives. And Im sitting here. with no changes. NO fire in me to go on.
Yes, I do wait Fathers Heart Conference in Rakvere. And I know it wont be just another conference. It will be a place of healing.
And I miss my friends constantly. Living in Tartu was easier. At least I had them when I needed them and even when I didnt need them for any certain reason, I still had them close. Now I have to drive 1,5 hours to see any friends at all. It makes me sad and lonely.
Oh and one more thing. I think way too much. Thoughts of sadness, lonelyness and something that I cant say here.
I need a change.
Oh. And 2 weeks at home with Ester and Morri. Not helping a bit.
20.10.10
Vihm
Sajab. Nii mugav on toas olla. Tean, et pean õhtul õue minema, sest 5-6 ajal läheb mul buss tartusse. Armastan Tartut, sest Tartus elavad mu kallid sõbrad. Ja hetkel ka mu Tim. :)
Aga enam ei armasta kottide pakkimist. Armastan hetke, kus juba kohal olen, aga mitte hetke, kus peab alles minema hakkama, bussidega jamama ja kõige selle eest ka maksma. Tartus käimine ei ole odav. 180 EEK edasi-tagasi + tartu linnaliinide piletiraha + toit! Ehk siis ikka läheb. Olen paar päeva seal ja tean, et 500 eek on läinud. Ja seda on veel miinimum-öeldes.
Jään esmaspäevast 2ks nädalaks Estriga koju. Ema-isa lähevad Soome sssõpradele külla ja kogudustesse teenima.
Olen kuidagi sellises ootavas seisus viimasel ajal. Ootan konverentsi. Ootan Vaarika tagasi tulekut. Ootasin emme terveks saamist. Ootan pulmi. Ootan veel midagi... Kogu aeg ootan ja ootan. Mis siis ikka...
13.10.10
Vali Vabadus
4 years ago. My graduation. The time I was set free.So I did it. I gave lectures about eating disorders. 5 times telling my story isnt easy. I didnt cry or anything, it was just a bit weird. Seriously, how do you tell girls that you didnt had your period for 2-3 years and your weight was just 44 kilos when you were 18 years old. Not nice things or not comfortable things.
SO I sat there on my first lesson on Monday and I had all kinds of thoughts in my head. WHAT should I tell them, where should I start. I know, Im gonna be more clever next time, Im gonna make some internet stuff to show them and some powerpoint stuff and some keywords to myself because in so many times I lost where I was going. But all of them listened. Not one of them looked bored. Because it was MY STORY. My story of freedom. How He set me free.
Some of them had questions. Some of them didnt say anything. BUT I said something to all of them. I didnt tell them how they HAVE to live their lives. I just told them how beautiful they looked and how this world is messing that up. How everything around us tells us what we have to look like and what measures we have to have. BUT we have a choice to make. We can choose to go into this addiction (eating disorder is like any other addiction) or we can choose to stay the way we were made and maybe do a little sport instead.
I love my God, my Daddy, who set me free 4 years ago so I could be me today. I love that I am engaged now. I love it. I love that I have a wedding to attend to next year on the 4th of June. How great is that? Hah? :)
I love that I can eat and pray and love (even though I disliked the movie)! :)
10.10.10
Mixer and blender
Since so many things have been going on I decided to write a blog about it.
My mom.
I love my mom dearly. She is one of the most amazing person in my life since she gave me life when nobody else wanted me. She carried me for 9 months and she gave birth to me. I love her. And now something is causing her to stay in bed for days. Its been 5 days now since she collapsed. Wow. It is crazy. Its the first day today when she is able to go to the toilet with the help of my dad. And she ate my macaroni and cheece. Which made me happy. I have been home now helping my dad to take care of home, Ester, mom and Mr. Morrisson. It is not an easy job. And first time in my life I realize that the job my mom has been having here at home as a MOM... well I put it sofly: IT IS CRAZY. I am tired after 5 days. And imagine my mom, 5 years! 5 YEARS...
I pray that my PAPA will heal her. Every inner part of her life...
Eating disorder.
I am going to Põltsamaa tomorrow. I was asked to give 5 lectures about eating disorders in a local school. I am thankful for this opportunity and in a same time I am scared. I have never talked to teenager girls about this stuff. I have prayed to God for Him to give me opportunities but this is the first time Im really doing something to influence the youth today. AND I am thankful just a bit scared.
I realized yesterday that Im not gonna tell them what to do and what not to do. I am called to tell my story, my testimony. This was my life and now Im passing it on. I am excited.
Timo.
I miss Timo. He is working nowadays. He has a job in this cafe in Tartu called CAFE TRUFFE. And I must say Im a bit jelaous. I know plaplapla, jelaousy is not good in any ways, but I mean he is handsom and these kind of cafes... shalala kabumm... He has gotten 2 mobile numbers already from pretty girls... Who wouldnt be jelaous? Anyway I am. Ok, just a bit... Because I know he loves me me me. ;) ;)
We are getting married next year on the 4th of June. The date is official now. :) And am I happy or am I happy?
I am a planning freak. Yes. I am watching pics and thinking of what to have and what not to have, every single day. I am already looking forward for the 2 days Im not home next week... :D But I love it, I mean I can dream and I know my daddy in heaven will fulfill these dreams. :)
What next?
I have no idea because I just dont. I know that right now Im staying home helping my parents as much as possible. I love them and Im gonna be around as much as they need me. They dont have a job now and so dont I.
I know Im gonna get married next year but as for so far... God knows. :)
Bye
My mom.
I love my mom dearly. She is one of the most amazing person in my life since she gave me life when nobody else wanted me. She carried me for 9 months and she gave birth to me. I love her. And now something is causing her to stay in bed for days. Its been 5 days now since she collapsed. Wow. It is crazy. Its the first day today when she is able to go to the toilet with the help of my dad. And she ate my macaroni and cheece. Which made me happy. I have been home now helping my dad to take care of home, Ester, mom and Mr. Morrisson. It is not an easy job. And first time in my life I realize that the job my mom has been having here at home as a MOM... well I put it sofly: IT IS CRAZY. I am tired after 5 days. And imagine my mom, 5 years! 5 YEARS...
I pray that my PAPA will heal her. Every inner part of her life...
Eating disorder.
I am going to Põltsamaa tomorrow. I was asked to give 5 lectures about eating disorders in a local school. I am thankful for this opportunity and in a same time I am scared. I have never talked to teenager girls about this stuff. I have prayed to God for Him to give me opportunities but this is the first time Im really doing something to influence the youth today. AND I am thankful just a bit scared.
I realized yesterday that Im not gonna tell them what to do and what not to do. I am called to tell my story, my testimony. This was my life and now Im passing it on. I am excited.
Timo.
I miss Timo. He is working nowadays. He has a job in this cafe in Tartu called CAFE TRUFFE. And I must say Im a bit jelaous. I know plaplapla, jelaousy is not good in any ways, but I mean he is handsom and these kind of cafes... shalala kabumm... He has gotten 2 mobile numbers already from pretty girls... Who wouldnt be jelaous? Anyway I am. Ok, just a bit... Because I know he loves me me me. ;) ;)
We are getting married next year on the 4th of June. The date is official now. :) And am I happy or am I happy?
I am a planning freak. Yes. I am watching pics and thinking of what to have and what not to have, every single day. I am already looking forward for the 2 days Im not home next week... :D But I love it, I mean I can dream and I know my daddy in heaven will fulfill these dreams. :)
What next?
I have no idea because I just dont. I know that right now Im staying home helping my parents as much as possible. I love them and Im gonna be around as much as they need me. They dont have a job now and so dont I.
I know Im gonna get married next year but as for so far... God knows. :)
Bye
6.10.10
Huvitav
Ma olen viimasel ajal Jumalale mõelnud. Ja küsinud mõttes, et kuidas Ta saaks minu lugu kasutada. Kasutada nii, et ka teised sellest kasu saaksid...
Ja Jumal vastas. Sain üleeile kõne Põltsamaa noortejuhilt, kes küsis kas ma tahaksin sinna kooli minna loengut andma teemal TOITUMISHÄIRED. Ja ma ei hakanud edasi küsima, lihtsalt ütlesin JAH. Sest kui ma ise olen Jumalalt võimalust palunud ja tema on mulle võimaluse andnud, siis... Ok, pean tunnistama, et natuke kardan, sest ei ole kunagi ju mittekristlaste ees sellest rääkinud. Ja pean Isalt tarkust paluma... Et kuidas ja millest peaks rääkima. Kas kõigest või osaliselt... Aga ma ütlen, ole teinekord oma soovidega ettevaatlik, need lähevad täide! ;)
Olen Mustvees praegu. Naudin sügist. SIIN ON SÜGIS NII ILUS. Ma ei saa õuest silmi ära... Lihtsalt nii ilusad värvid ja sügavsinine Peipsi on õue peal... Huh, armastan siin olemist. Selline tunne nagu aeg on seisma jäänud ja midagi hullu ei pea tegema. Ja see tunne on hea.
Emmel-issil ka rahu ja rööm südames. Neil on Isa pere, kes neid toetab palves ja südmes ja sõpruses. Ja neil on mingi imelik tuur praegu, hullult mööbeldavad kodus. :D Eemmn, ehk selleks, et aega parajaks teha? :D
Olgu. Ilusat sügist, mu kallid musid ja nupsud :D
Ja Jumal vastas. Sain üleeile kõne Põltsamaa noortejuhilt, kes küsis kas ma tahaksin sinna kooli minna loengut andma teemal TOITUMISHÄIRED. Ja ma ei hakanud edasi küsima, lihtsalt ütlesin JAH. Sest kui ma ise olen Jumalalt võimalust palunud ja tema on mulle võimaluse andnud, siis... Ok, pean tunnistama, et natuke kardan, sest ei ole kunagi ju mittekristlaste ees sellest rääkinud. Ja pean Isalt tarkust paluma... Et kuidas ja millest peaks rääkima. Kas kõigest või osaliselt... Aga ma ütlen, ole teinekord oma soovidega ettevaatlik, need lähevad täide! ;)
Olen Mustvees praegu. Naudin sügist. SIIN ON SÜGIS NII ILUS. Ma ei saa õuest silmi ära... Lihtsalt nii ilusad värvid ja sügavsinine Peipsi on õue peal... Huh, armastan siin olemist. Selline tunne nagu aeg on seisma jäänud ja midagi hullu ei pea tegema. Ja see tunne on hea.
Emmel-issil ka rahu ja rööm südames. Neil on Isa pere, kes neid toetab palves ja südmes ja sõpruses. Ja neil on mingi imelik tuur praegu, hullult mööbeldavad kodus. :D Eemmn, ehk selleks, et aega parajaks teha? :D
Olgu. Ilusat sügist, mu kallid musid ja nupsud :D
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