so...

...here is the thing.

Im tired. Im tired of some stuff in my life. Im tired of having no fire. Tired of telling not the whole truth about my heart-condition. And tired of people not caring about people. Tired of being at home. Tired of running between places to be in a contact with the people I love.

I am tired of singing songs that have no meaning to me. I do love worship. Thats not what Im saying here. Once Katja told me that she doesnt want to sing if God isnt telling her stuff into her heart. I know what she says. Ive been there AND I am there. I am made to worship. Its just sometimes I am singing songs and actually doesnt mean it... Have you heard JASON UPTON song that starts : ... tired of telling You You have me, when I know You really dont... If my silence is more truthful...

Well, thats how I feel. Im tired.

And I feel a huge sadness in my heart. Somehow I feel I have been left alone. I have family. Yes. I have friends. Yes. I have a fiancé. Yes. BUT all of them are going on with their lives. And Im sitting here. with no changes. NO fire in me to go on.

Yes, I do wait Fathers Heart Conference in Rakvere. And I know it wont be just another conference. It will be a place of healing.

And I miss my friends constantly. Living in Tartu was easier. At least I had them when I needed them and even when I didnt need them for any certain reason, I still had them close. Now I have to drive 1,5 hours to see any friends at all. It makes me sad and lonely.

Oh and one more thing. I think way too much. Thoughts of sadness, lonelyness and something that I cant say here.



I need a change.



Oh. And 2 weeks at home with Ester and Morri. Not helping a bit.