Struggle

When Im struggling or going through something really heartbreaking I notice myself going in a mode where I cant communicate with anyone. I shut myself down and stop talking to my friends and family. I am not doing it on purpose but for some reason I do it. Letters and calls are unanswered and Im unhappy, not to even mention my friends who are confused.
Its a mode where Im trying to protect myself. Maybe some of you have experienced that. And its also a mode where I cant even think of anything else. And then I start to overthink and overanalyze and overeverything.
And I have been thinking of asking forgiveness for all the things Im not doing right now to keep all my friends pleased and happy but I cant.

I am not down in a way where I cant function.
Because Im still going to work.
I am looking for work and a place in Pärnu.
I am eating and kind of sleeping.
And I want to trust God in everything. In bad times, in good times. So many psalms say that even when everything is falling down we should still Praise Him.
But how, oh how? :) I mean how do I lift my soul up to Him when I push everyone away including God. Coz see, thats my point. While pushing everyone away Im also pushing my Father away. My way of self-protection. And what an awful way.

I have a Bible sitting next to me on a table right now. I have been reading a few psalms lately. David was a man who went through shit and still he knew where his strength comes from. Where his joy comes from. And peace. I am no David but Im also my Father´s beloved and I believe there is a bigger picture behind all our struggles. Behind my heartbreaks and hurts and jup, I freaking mess up myself all the time. But I am His Beloved. And so are You! His beloved one. The one whom He loves and want to hold and comfort (and heck Im also preaching to myself here so dont feel awkward)... I want to give so much, but I need to be filled first. Oh and no, I dont want to go anywhere in a past coz there I was "happy and joyful", haha, no, I want a new joy and new peace! No past will determine my future. My Father determines my future.

So nope, it was no peptalk. Its just something Im going through now. Finding myself again under some piles of dirt and mud. Jup.