My story

So I’ve wanted to write down my story in English for a while now… But something has always stopped me. Not having enough time maybe or just forgetting. But I’m about to do it now. Just for some of you who have asked me since you don’t understand English. And I just want you guys to know me a bit better. And I am not ashamed to tell the world that my God healed me from something that seemed impossible to recover from. Yes.
So here I go with this!
I was always a bit chubby, but so what, many kids were. But something inside of me was different. I was always known by my voice, people appreciated the fact that I sang beautiful and that was all they saw; at least it seemed like that to me. Now when I look back I know it is not the truth. But the thing is that I wanted to be noticed not by my voice.
Girls want to be seen by their dads, by boys around them, by their friends and so on. I wanted to be accepted.
And in the near future I paid a price for that…
I was 16. I decided that in order to be liked by people I needed to do something. I wasn’t being picked at school or anything. There were just some things in my heart already from the past that were hurting. Plus I wanted to have a boyfriend. You know, everybody should have a boyfriend, right?
And I wanted to feel like I’m loved the same way my sister was. She was a very petite girl with many admirers. But the one thing I didn’t realise was this: having many boyfriends doesn’t give you the joy and peace in life, it actually just ruins you.
So there I was, 16, just turning 17 in a couple of months and starting to get this idea of how to lose a couple of kilos. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist. I have wanted things to be in order and I needed to gain a control over something. And that something decided to take over.
At first I wanted to lose 3-4 kilos. That doesn’t harm, does it? That was my thinking. I was 1,67 cm tall and my weight was about 68 kilos… I must say I didn’t like my body. I almost never wore any nice clothes, I was ashamed. I tried to hide behind baggy shirts, loose pants. That was me. People didn’t know the real inside story of mine. They saw my shining smile, my always "I am happy" face.
And so I started. I decided that the best way to lose a bit is to start eating 2 times a day. No snacks, no drinks between. So there it was: breakfast and lunch. It was ok at the beginning since I had my first meal in school and second one at home. Oh the joy of losing the first kilos. I couldn’t believe that the first time ever I started to like myself.
But when it gets a hold of you it also knows how to start rolling like a snowball. And eventually it is like a big snowball.
So it took me 6 months. With 6 months I had lost 24 kilos out of 68. You can do the counting. I had reached a point where there was no turning back. No period anymore, no joy, just bare skin and bones…
I still ate something. It wasn’t that I just lived without any food. I loved food. Don’t get me wrong, I had problems, yes, but I loved eating. It was a hate and love relationship. I tried to deal with this somehow.
My parents were panicking. I had gained a control that harmed my family and friends. I don’t know how to even explain that. I was the “drama-queen” at home. People lived under my emotional terror. I said and did things that I don’t want to remember. My dad tried to talk me out of this so many times. Since our family and relatives have never dealt with eating disorders then how could they even help? I went to the local doctors, school doctors. I lied. I didn’t know I lied but I did. I really with all my heart believed that everything is ok. And I really with all my heart knew that nothing was ok. I was torn between the thoughts in my head and heart. It went on for 2 years. I was 18, graduating my school. And I was nothing but bones and skin. I hated looking into the mirror, I was afraid to go out with people. I was afraid they will force me to eat. I had a few friends left who tried to help but I didn’t listen!
So there I was, 18 years old and 44 kilos.
At least I received some help during these 2 years. I had God. Ok I know, you might ask, but how could it even happen to you? How? You are and were a Christian? Well I tell you this, being a Christian doesn’t mean that bad things don’t happen to you. I am as human as any other person!
God was next to my pain and sadness all through these 2,5 years of anorexia. I know it now. I didn’t then… Somewhere in the middle, when my period stopped, I started to get anxious. I mean in the beginning people noticed me, made compliments, because 10 kilos to lose is ok. In the end people whispered when I passed by. And I can’t blame them. I felt sick to my stomach because I knew I had made a huge mistake. I knew I was going to lose my life like that. I knew I had a chance of not having any babies ever. But what could I do? I was like an animal that had been shot at and now was bleeding to death and didn’t know how to survive.
It was 2006, just the time my exam-period almost started. I went to the toilet and it had happened before but never that much. Blood, a lot of blood.
On a same day my mom took me to a local women doctor and first time someone told me into my face that hey you have a problem. You need help and I cannot help you. So she convinced me to go to Tartu. I was ok with that because it seemed like I might stay there for 2-3 days. But the thing is that nobody told me about 3 weeks.
I was supposed to go on a summer holiday, but one place was open suddenly. I know it was a miracle that I got in so much earlier. So in March 2006 I was in a hospital for 3 weeks instead of 3 days that I thought.
In my own little head I was thinking this: “Hey who needs 3 weeks; I can do it on my own. I just need to eat a little bit more!” But see, the thing is this, I only ate maybe 500 calories a day eventually and a little bit more in my mind was maybe an apple.
So I was scared on a first day. I knew nothing about the treatment. I knew nothing about right eating anymore. Morning arrived, I woke up; breakfast time; huge pile of porridge, 2 sandwiches, an apple, a bagel, hot chocolate. I was almost dying. I was scared like I said. But this was nothing as I learnt later. In 2,5 hours we had to eat a chocolate or something. In 2 hours we had lunch: potatoes, sauce, meat, milk, 2 breads, and something for dessert. In 2 hours we had yogurt. In 2 hours we had dinner: some soup… and so on! 5 times a day we were given food. I was eating like a grown-up man who does sports every day! Can you understand my agony now? I was literally in pain every evening, because my stomach couldn’t bear all this food. It was a lot. Yes, I got used to it on a 3rd week, but until then… Eating disorder is no joke. It is a sickness that wants to destroy your body. It is no way that one can come out of it without paying the price.
We had to talk to psychologists over these 3 weeks, meet doctors and had lots of tests and lots of food. It is a time that I never want back. I got free food as a treatment.
I was afraid. I was afraid that I’m going to gain all the weight back and more. I was afraid that I am going to be fat. All these things needed to be talked through. Oh and we talked there.
I met with many girls that had awful problems; problems that I don’t know if they ever got rid of. (There was a girl in my room whose parents had started teasing her while she was kid (that she was fat and so on), and when she was 14 she had both anorexia and bulimia, not a single normal word came out of her mouth anymore and the way she looked at you, there was no emotions left).
I know I am free now. But sometimes I still pay the price.
After 3 weeks I went home. I knew already then that my hospital time wasn’t for my bad. It was for me to learn how to eat again. And it dealt with problems, deeper problems. You know, eating disorders isn’t the problem, the real issues are deeper. It is just the result of the problem. So I mean it’s the same with cutting, or alcoholism and drug addicts. These things are the result of some other problems. So believe me when I say this, dealing with the real issues might be the hardest things ever…
It took me 1 whole year to gain the needed 15 kilos with the same eating I started at the hospital. And it took me 1,5 years to get my period back.
Yes, there are days when I don’t like the way I look. I stand in front of a mirror and think bad thoughts. There are days when I hate compliments. I don’t know how to receive them. But I eat. I eat like I didn’t in these 2,5 years. I love food like I said in the beginning of this story. And I have never stopped loving. 59 kilos is so much better than 44. I know so you better believe me!
I can still be a control freak. I have noticed that whenever I have some harder times in my heart, in my life, I lose appetite. And then I start losing weight as well. It is hard for me. I am not saying that I am still practising eating disorder habits but I am a woman. Women in this world face all kinds of challenges. Starting with magazines and ending with Facebook. You see, the thing is that this world dictates us how we should look and what we should eat. But God says to me and you: All beautiful you are, my darling; there is NO flaw in you! And He means it. It is not just a saying. Oh cmn, if God didn’t want me to know I’m pretty He would not have put this scripture in the Bible. Right?
I love saying to my girls how lovely they are. How beautiful they are, because they are. I love saying to young woman that they don’t need to look love from wrong places and find help from some bad addictions. Eating disorder is an addiction, sad, isn’t it?I know that this writing isn’t perfect. In many places it is all over the place, but I don’t care. I care that maybe someone is reading this and finds some help, some comfort. You know, there is a way out. I am a good example of that.
And to finish, I mean, I wouldn’t be here without God. So many people go to search help from weird and wrong places. Don’t do that. Ask Him to show you the way out. He will. He is a loving father.
I love u, my friend. Thanks for reading, thanks for not judging me for what I’ve done.