Sparkle

Just a little glimpse into my past. Thats exactly what I needed today. To remind myself of who I am and what Im capable of; Which is quite a bit - truth be told. I have grown so much. I was NEVER the ugly duck as the saying goes. I was not. Even if I believed I was, I wasnt! (So werent you btw). But lies do eat into our souls when we grow up and enventually we start to believe them and act on them and we forget who we are. We forget our names. I did.
So yes. I accidentally just stumbled upon that picture yesterday and it was taken quite a while back, 2006, June. What a gorgeous young woman on it. Beautiful smile, warm heart and eyes that say, I want to live and I want to love. I want to see the world and I never wanna get hurt again. Not by people, not by their words, not by their actions. A young woman who is so ready to jump into something so big and adventurous its over her head.
And even though there has been so many tears, so many ups and downs, broken hearts and heart aches that comes through that, SHE is still the same woman. With much more experience in life, yet so vulnerable and open-minded to new things. And she has dreams, big dreams. Beautiful dreams. Which she cant do on her own. But she is ready. She thinks she is. She hopes she is.
So today. As Im looking at that picture. 2006, June. A girl who has just been out from anorexia for 2-3 months. Me. Its me. All beautiful you are my darling, there is no flaw in you. No flaw. There is stuff thats not good, stuff that needs mending, but all impatience, all imprudence, all imperfections make her who she is.
I, you, he, she, needs to be reminded that from time to time, moment to moment. The value. All sons and daughters of God, shine bright. Shine.

I said on my first post this year that this blog might not have that Kirsi-spark. BUT IT DOES. How can it not. :) Alright. Im gonna shut up now. Maybe. Ok. Not really. but have a wonderful weekend and enjoy yourself for a change, ok! :)

WHOAH!

Whoah! Thats a long time. Last time I wrote here was 2014, March and its 2015, January, right about NOW! Its not that I ever wanted to close my blog. Its not that I havent wanted to write.
But I just havent. I have been through some heavy rains and winds and hurts (and also fun and laughter and joy) this last year and sometimes writing takes a toll. It is like opening a wound for everybody to see.
But Im here. Right now. This moment. Its 23:31pm, 3rd of January, 2015, as Im writing again. I guess my blog will never be the same again. It will never have that Kirsika.spark, but it will always be me. The girl, who actually has so much to say, so much on her mind and heart. Maybe a little fearful of what others think, maybe a little insecure but with a crazy big heart and even crazier laughter... Yep, I still sometimes laugh like a little horsey! I bet u would agree with me!
So. I still live in Pärnu. Ok, lets take that "still" away because I actually want to live here. I work in Jenny Kruse charity store as for the moment, and go to Life Centre /my church, I try to do as much singing/music on my free time as possible - this is my place of rest - that MY THING. Always been and always will be... Writing lyrics, songs, words, thoughts mostly on my phone these days so basically I do still write. Its not like I JUST stopped! ;)
Okey, I will keep this one short. Just because I want to.
Live, breathe, drink good coffee and laugh a lot, really - laugh!!!!

March winds...

And the March winds are blowing real strong... I must say Im scared of how time goes by so fast. Its been a year since I found myself a church, a place I call HOME. This month has definitely been a month of decisions. Ok actually this year in general. And only good has come out of it. I guess the sentence I would use for this year is : the best is yet to come. And truth be told THE BEST IS YET TO COME. I want to wake up/call alive all my biggest dreams this year. I want to start working on my biggest dreams. Go for something, go for something new. I need your help. I need people around me to encourage me. No one can do things alone. We all need someone to tell us that we CAN DO IT. That we have what it takes. And the thing is, we all do have what it takes. We all.

I am finally doing some things for myself. I went to a theater last week, oh and I went to 2 (+1 on the previous week) concerts and I just enjoyed all 3 of them. It fed my soul. I am 26 for goodness sake, soon 27. I love youth. I love church. I like my job. But I need something that is just for ME from time to time. We all do I guess... And seeing Pride and Prejudice on a stage was just way over my mind. Such a precious evening...

Mmmmmh and ofc I am so very much looking forward to go to Creek. It will be awesome. It will be one of the highlights this year. And it seems that once again I am the youngest one... Guess there will be a lot of taking care of me and looking after me, oh and do I mind? Not at all. :D

I still have my upanddownmoments and I guess people are used to this already. I had a conversation with a friend last night and asked if I am wining too much... Sometimes I think I am. But then again. I am not a robot. I have feelings. I have emotions. I have all that every woman has. YouknowwhatImean and maybe you dontknowwhatImean. But heck I am not a robot and never will be. I will still wine occasionally and I will still be me every day. And if someone tries to change me (except God) then I assure you that it is not working. ;)

Hello February, goodbye February.

Seriously. Where did January go? And now February as well? Almost done with. 2014 is just going by so fast... Ok, Im maybe just seeing it that way right now; anyway, its been pretty awesome start to this year. In January I had my trip to Sweden and I saw Gods hand upon it so strong and firm. And now Im back to Pärnu, to socalled real life and you know what, its not so bad at all. ;) Who said that real life, that right now, has to be hard, bad... Yes, I have my emotional up-and-down-moments and I am an emotional being. Sometimes Im on a roller-coaster and I feel so bad about it especially when my loved ones have to be around me at that time BUT I am me and I am awesome (as one of the coolest people from Norway whom I have met only once, would put it).
When I think about 2 things that have happened in February I get so excited and also a bit nervous at the same time. Im just not understanding why God loves me so much. Why do I have HIS favor. I probably should not share about the first one so publicly but its something to do with HIM assuring me I am at the most right place in a right time. And strongly assuring, not just my own thoughts or something. And second thing happened last night when I got an email saying that someone Ive only met ONCE just paid for my whole trip to Athens, Creek in April (Ill tell more about it at one point maybe just not now). THIS is Amazing! I am amazed by His love for me. Oh and dont get me wrong, its not that oh, I got this gift etc, that now God is Good. Oh now. He is always, forever good! But He loves me through so many different details that sometimes its easy to miss them, right. I mean I look out my window each morning and know Im loved. But seeing that trip paid, this is just over my mind. This is not some little money. But this is His money. And when he puts someone in your heart, do not hesitate to support them.
There is some good stuff going on in my church and I believe that God is telling us all here that new times are coming. He is healing some hearts and He is restoring some past pains. I believe that. I really do. I need Him in every area. On my own I am greedy. I am mean. I am selfish. Well. Through Him I am loved. I am restored. I am beautiful. I am something more then just the number on my scale. You know.
May February end good for you. May you be COVERED by His blood daily (oh not literally but may His cross take away your sins, your pain, your hurts)... May you know you are loved loved loved! May I know that every single breath I take.

Just when you have NO idea where to get food for the day (just to say I needed winter-boots so no leftover money for this week) a friend sends you a text-message with a question if you need any food for lunch. YES YES YES. Faithful Father, why do I worry about tomorrow? Or in my case, today! :)
HAVE A BLESSED, FAVORED, OVERWHELMING, good, peaceful week! And fun and adventurous as well... ;)

Oh hello.

I have not been here for a while. Its because sometimes life happens.
I was away for a little more than a week and in Sweden this time. So as most of you know, I work in Jenny Kruse charity shop to support Jenny Kruse mission boat in Estonia. It is meant to be an actual mission boat to sail in the waters and spread the gospel and in last summer it sure did that. Oh and about the trip... I had a chance to go to Sweden with the people I work for and our captain and then one precious lady Anne from the organisation Shalom. The first half of the trip we were in Oskarsham; basically I was the only one who didnt know the people so I had to be alert all the time to new faces ect. Was good though, a bit stressful with all the board-meetings and translating I needed to do (coz without thinking I promised Ill help with that, haha) etc but I also got to be a part of one day with the youth from the local Bible school. Alari shared about the New Covenant and I shared my testimony after that plus lead worship and that was fun, that was where I felt home and knew its my chance to be the channel of His love. :)
After 4 days we traveled to another city and oh boy I cant remember the name, haha, you will survive. I know. ;) Anyway there we met with another bunch of good people and felt so home (thank you Fredrik and Marina, you are SO precious)! So much worship time, so much sharing and caring and pouring of Gods love. Got to know a lot about Salvation Army and feel it was necessary. The trip ended on Tueseday this week when we finally arrived home, to Pärnu. I went straight to work but felt refreshed and ready to continue here... Many ideas in my head and in my heart, so we will see what works!

But if there is one thing I am seeing about myself lately, well, let me share it.
I cannot be forced into doing something. I close up and nobody cant get me out of my shell then. Even if I try to come out I feel like a wall hitting up. Worship. I LOVE worship and I love singing but I am not so spontaneous as people think I am. I sometimes dont like myself for that and hopefully one day when someone asks me to bring out my guitar, I can do with a smile while being all relaxed BUT right now I get stressed. There are times when I dont but usually the first reaction of mine is a stressball emerged. :) Just saying, so dont get offended if I say NO from time to time to music, to worship. I am not saying no to God, at least not trying to but to people I do say no.
Also on our great trip I noticed how I closed up when these situations came around. I felt so bad about it, but first of all I am not that confident (dealing with that) in my guitar playing and feel incomplete so often... Anyway realizing I cant handle pressure so well. And I cant hide my emotions so well, hahah, which makes the first one a bit hard. ;)
But I love challenges because I know they make me who I am... I dont like the mindset that "Kirsika, you should be ready all the time to worship" because I am not a robot, BUT I do understand the desire behind that sentence. The desire to know and love God with all our hearts, to worship Him 24x7 with our lifestyles. Maybe not with a guitar and a song, but with our lives...

Friends. Have a great weekend ahead. I am trying to rest and also work a bit with some projects. Other then that, you know what, Life is good. Life is so good and so precious. Value it and breath it in. ;)
Kirsi

Being bullied myself as a little girl this video made me cry out loud early in the morning.
Hope you are not the one who walks away. Hope you are not the one who starts filming. Or the one who ignores.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EisZTB4ZQxY

Something something

It was absolutely amazing.
The concert was everything I dreamed and hoped about. It had a little ups and downs and I was afraid that Ill mess up but putting it all together with Margus and Kaidi and a good team of helpers... It was so good and Im so happy we decided to pull it together a bit bigger. I do have 3 songs up on my music-page that you can listen to from the live-concert and here´s THE link:
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/sets/j-ulukontsert-2013

Its been some great weeks behind me. Oh its been hard weeks full of work and youth and church but its all been worth it. I wonder almost every week why am I doing the things I am doing BUT then something happens and I see it all together again, I mean I see it how it really is and then I know. I am doing these things because I am suppose to be exactly here at this time. This is my time and my life and I have everything that God has intended for me right now. Maybe I have had to say no to so many concerts etc but RIGHT now I have what I need and its enough.
I could write down the highlights from 2013 but I dont really bother. What matters the most is that everything I do I want to do for God. I complain and gruff and puff and I must admit that quite often, BUT heck, life is worth so much more. I even complain that I dont get everything I want straight away BUT what if straight away is not the best for me. Anyway. 2013 has been hard but good. So very good. And so very interesting. Big changes, big steps of faith, full of pain and hurt, full of joy and love and laughter. Full of friends and family. Full of mistakes and forgiveness. Full of pictures.

Enjoy your life. Appreciate life. Appreciate big things, small things, sad things, happy things.
Have fun. :)
Cry if you need to.
And hug someone you love.
Hug someone you dont love.

How.

Performing in front of your loved ones, the ones who know you and you know them, is always the hardest. No, I am not afraid, but yes, I am afraid. The Christmas-concert is only a few days ahead and right now there will be only one rehearsal before Sunday. ONE! Oh boy. There are reasons for that which cannot be shared publicly, hehe... But I am also excited. Because I know it will be one heck of a concert. Surprises included. ;)
Im just starting to repeat myself, but its been really crazy for me... So much to do always and when I count the times Ive been sick, oh oh, just way too much of that. So no more. Now its cheers for being healthy and eating good food and enjoying the crazyness as well because you know what, one CAN actually do that. Enjoy the crazy times. Because in the midst of all the stuff that needs to be done, there is ALWAYS fun and precious moments. Playing card games or watching a stupid movie that doesnt give you much but still time spent with friends while doing that, seeing a child laugh in the store, a friend who has survived a bad accident comes back home-church-to friends... Precious. And so valuable. Or really, seeing an eleven-year-old girl enter a church one day and actually staying and now being a part of it. Brings tears to my eyes. Tears of thankfulness and joy. I am so happy and relieved that God brings us these moments of REST because thats HOW He can show us He is real, He is right here, with US! Right now. In every single moment. Every. Single. Moment.
So how do I do it? Work full time, youth, church, worship, music, concerts, being sick, time with friends, time with God, reading, time with myself??!!. Well. I take one step at a time. I look forward to tomorrow BUT I Live right now, I live today. One step at a time. Because believe me, skip a step and you will fall. Though even then there is Someone who brings me up. From the fall.
Be courageous this week. Be bold to tell someone they are important to you. Be bold to encourage. To love. To give a hug that might save someones day. Be courageous.
:)

Let go. Let go. Fight?

So which one is it? Fight or let go?

The question for me has always been about this. There have been times I have known 100% that I had to let go. And another times I knew I had to fight for something. For my freedom. For my family. For friends.
And yet again in many areas of my life I question the very same thing. To fight or to let go. And truth be told - I have no idea. Some days its as if I know. Its as if I know that Im suppose to go on without letting go. And some other days, moments, I feel the urge, the great need to let go.
And what about the saying - let go and let God? Why then are we suppose to hold on to some stuff and let go other? Haa, I know I sound like a desperate woman, but I am not. I know who I am. Its just that there are days I wonder... And question.
Just like everybody else.
I am not frantic.
I am not desperate.
I am just someone who thinks way too much. And yet again, I was created to think. To reason and to question. And I was created to love, to live, to laugh, to hold on and to let go.
For years one of my favorite passages in Bible has been about timing. There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven... A time. A certain time. I tend to forget that. I tend to press on with my own knowledge which is 0 compared to God´s.
I am probably not making sense today. And thats 100% ok. I guess I cant always make sense (read-almost never)...
I was asked yesterday if I KNOW my own value. I couldnt say yes. I couldnt say no. So I said the simple thing that I almost always say. I said I know that I am loved. Oh boy. But do I know that I am also worthy of being loved. Worthy of being fought for. Of being pursued. I have stopped believing that long time ago. So I keep saying to people that I am loved. I just pray that God would show us all our true value. So that we could learn to trust Him in every question we face. Even if we need to let go of something or hold on to another thing.

But how am I doing. Really. How am I doing today, or yesterday or tomorrow. I guess I am good. I have my moments where I wanna scream and hit someone. And then I normally shut down. Instead of being angry I shut down. And there are moments I am so happy I could kiss someone or give a Kirsika-hug (which I do anyway)... But mostly I am being me. Without masks. If Im sad everybody knows that and if Im happy everybody knows that. Cant hide a freaking thing when it comes to me. Sometimes I wish I could. I have had some great moments with music lately and for that I am so very very very excited and thankful and happy.
Because if I could choose just 1 thing. 1 thing to do. Then it would be music. Singing, guitar. Worship. Then I would give my 100% and everything else I would put a little behind. Then I wouldnt fight so hard to do about 99 other things because if I dont then what would people think. Jup. I said it.
And I want to do all these other 99 things. But maybe I shouldnt.

Like all of them 99 different things I just shared about. ;)

Advent

Patience is NOT my strongest side. I have no idea how many blog-posts are about waiting, patience, expecting the right time, waiting on God etc. No idea. But probably 50% or something... I am not surprised though. Everything in this world just goes faster and faster and people tend to get things quicker and if not, then they give up and move to next thing. Like there is NO time to wait on anything because you gotta have it now and if not now then there is always something new and "better" ahead. Right?

Oh how Im struggling with this mindset. Because I want my things now. Its as if Im waiting for my life to start even though it has already started 26 years ago. God gave me life and he chose my parents for that. For 26 years I have lived a full life. Struggles, joys, tears, laughter, snow, rain, friends. I have had it all and I STILL HAVE IT ALL. Its not good to always always look forward for a better day. Coz then one definitely never enjoys a moment. The moment one has right now. 

I am looking out my window and I see a light pink-orange color in the sky. Its still early and I live on a 5th floor so the views I get each morning are sometimes breathtaking, sometimes not so... BUT mostly I know that heck, if I cant even enjoy the view, the moment that I have been given right now, HOW can I be sure that whats ahead, is the start of my "wanted" life? 

Appreciating the little things is so hard. Once you start though... Oh wow. I mean I look back at yesterday and yes, there were moments in it I wish I COULD erase, some words spoken by me I wish I could take back, acts done I wish I wish I wish. BUT it was such a good day. SO good. And my hope is that when I look back a year from now, I see the good. The beautiful. Not the impatience, the constant waiting of better, bigger...

I had a little concert yesterday with my friend Kaidi. And there was someone from the local church sharing a word because it was the 1st advent and she was suppose to lit the candle etc. Anyway, she said that we live in this fast world where people expect everything NOW. And even with Christmas, we start Christmas now, we are so bad with waiting, but advent-time is the time where we can reflect, we can wait for our God, our precious Savior... I still remember the first time I came home for Christmas from Wales and my little girl Ester ran to me with an advent-chocolate-calendar and said that its for me. And then she was like, Im sorry, I ate a few chocolates cos I couldnt wait, resist, hahahaha, I laughed my head off. Cute as she can be. But anyway, eating the chocolates coz one cant wait... Oh and btw, the concert was so good. Enjoyed sharing about God the Father publicly and had a good time at the kindergarten principal home later on... :)

Have a good advent-time. SPEND IT WITH YOUR FAMILY, friends. Appreciate, love, live and laugh!!!!!!!!!

Rest

You are my Savior.
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/oceans-where-feet-mai-fail

This weekend was a blessing to me. I didnt rest, yet I did rest. I had a chance to visit my parents in Vodja in their new "home" which is a long story anyway that most of you know already... Anyway, it was my mums 45-birthday and we celebrated. With tons of food, friends and family. No rest though, hehe... Helping to cook food for approx. 25-30 people was my main task and then paramparaa - music!
That was my rest. To do music with Margus again. Oh I didnt know I had missed it so very much... He is so good, he never looks any papers, just plays from his memory and then he says he is not good... Like WHAT? Anyway, I just enjoyed it. When I sing while he plays, I can just flow and go wherever I want to go
without worrying too much... So it was my rest after many months. So the Soundcloud link - there I uploaded one of our recordings, I also have an Estonian version but its not up yet. Maybe soon, maybe not at all, I guess we will see...
And yesterday babysitting Ester, well, not really. She doesnt really need babysitting, just someone who is with her. We went for a walk outside, watched cartoons, did her schoolwork together. Was a good Sunday and later on dad and Margus took me back to Pärnu, so here I am. Home. This is my home and I missed my bed and friends and family here... :) Wherever you are, you create a place for yourself, that includes friends, places, your things. So THIS here is my place. And I am happy here. :)
Have a wonderfulll week. Okidoki.
:)

10 weeks

When everything seems so overwhelming.
From time to time I struggle with my emotions so that it pours out to everyone I care about. It is just overflowing, overwhelming, and I have decided not to wear masks. I cant. Its not me. If Id be wearing masks then Id be dying inside. And I couldnt share the love that God has given me for people.
But overwhelming. Yes. I told two of my girls yesterday NOT to hide their tears. Oh them trying to be so strong. To keep it together. NO. Please do not keep it together if there is nothing to hold on to anymore. Because at a place of hurt and pain and tears and crying there is actually a chance for healing. There is actually a place for God to come and be the Dad He wants to be. The love of your life. Of my life.
I think I cried through all the meeting yesterday. I cried after that. And after-after that. And when I went to sleep I had peace. Because it came so strong to me: Let GO and let God!
Dont try to be so strong all the time. Why the heck do we need God if we ourselves try to manage all the time? We dont need God then... Ford goodness sake I havent been a Christian for 20 years just because Im following a trend. I am a Christian because I believe I need God in my life. I need my Father. I need Him to Father me and mother me. I am hurt. I am broken. I cant and wont and dont want to do it on my own.
Maybe you say that I am weak. Oh crap, let me be weak so I could be strong in Him then. And I dont know how it works. I still dont know. I just know that somehow in my weakness He usually finds me and lifts me up, gives me hope and brings me future. Somehow He does it. In His loving way.

My time in Pärnu has been so intense. 10 weeks in Pärnu has gone by so fast. Havent had time to breathe except a few days off where I have just been. And not doing anything is hard for me. It makes me feel like Im nothing and like Im wasting time. Which are the biggest lies one can have. I just read about Sabbath last night and it really touched my heart because God has told us to rest. Cmn, in the first page in Bible GOD RESTED. Then why are we so busy and always doing doing doing in order to earn love and affection and attention... Afraid to take a day off, a day of rest...
A full week of preparing, 2 days of parties in Pärnu and Sindi and yesterday...Well, just cleaning the place which looked like it was trashed. 3 DAYS full work instead of resting... And then I had the breaking point where I just couldnt stop crying. My heart was literally aching for myself, for my youth. I cant share everything here whats going on, but it seems there is not one person on planet earth who is not aching and hurting. Everybody has their pain, their hurts from past, unforgiveness and sometimes I wish God would not let me feel what other people feel but if I wouldnt have that I wouldnt be able to love like I do...

Oh but I have to say that these 10 weeks have been the hardest and yet the best ones. It was my decision to come, and it has been the best decision to stay.

Hugs, K

Word and prayer

I am not good with reading Bible and I admit it. Im not good with certain times of prayer and I admit it.
But lately I discovered something that really helps me read my book of life... I placed it on my kitchen table a week ago and every morning and dinner or whenever Im there I read at least a passage or a scripture and it has started to nourish me. Maybe not yet in a crazy deep level but to the point where Im like, hey, its good. And its food. Food for my heart and soul and flesh and spirit. I found this scripture this morning where it said that if I hope in my Lord and give my ways to Him then He will make all things good... You know what, IF thats not encouraging then I dont know what is. If I trust in HIM then He will work things out for me. I mean if I think about the fact that Bible is a love letter from God to His people where He just wants His kids back... A love letter! That means that he actually means everything He says through Bible. A love letter to me. To You.
And prayer... Yes. Maybe I dont pray at a certain time every single day but I talk to Him. I talk to my healer. To my savior. To my Father. I share my struggles even though sometimes it takes an eternity for me to open my mouth and actually say anything. But every time I do open my mouth I know He hears me. He sees my pain. He sees my joy. My thankfulness and my agony as well.
I dont know everything about God. I know only very little. I wish Id know Him in a way where its so intimate that NOTHING shakes me anymore. No news about abandonment or tragedies or a bad word. That nothing can take me away from the Love of my life. But not there yet. :)
Anyway. Im done now. Said what I had in my heart and head and even in my fingers. And gonna log out now. But take these words with you as you close your computer and go about your everyday duties:
You are HIS BELOVED. His loved One!
K

I want my chicken and I want it now!

"I cant do it" "I dont have time" "I am not enough" "I am afraid to try it because I might fail" and so on and so on... Its like a constant battle in my life lately. I visited a friend yesterday whom Ive known way over 20 years now, she is the girl I could go through fire with because she is just someone who one can trust. My first childhood friend and heck, I know we have a long future ahead as well... But anyway, that was not where I wanted to go to with my story. I shared some of my struggles with her and realized that I use those expressions way too much. I am afraid which means I live if fear which means in many areas in my life there is no freedom.
My favorite songs through some years now has been Faithful Father and Freedom. Both songs share some wisdom by which we could live by if we choose to. In Him we can fully trust who knows our future, the One who brings Freedom and wants us to live in Freedom. Which means NO fear, NO worrying, NO judgement and failure... Because when we do fail and feel like we are not enough then there is freedom, you know! Freedom to choose to be who we are.

BUT we use our little sentences like "I cant do it" and "I will fail if I try". Well, maybe the thing is that you actually CANT do it because on your own you dont even have to do it. I mean, I look at my life right now and I see so much potential and I see so much I could do but use those excuses all the time. Like they belong into my heart and there are days I see the truth behind and then there are days I want to run and not do anything because I CANT. Or I hide behind the typical - I dont have time - sentence. Well, we all have 24x7 right?!! Oh boy, I sometimes come home from work and I am tired as a dog. Ok, probably most dogs are not as tired as I am then but anyway... Lets just say Id rather spend all my evening watching TV (that I dont have) then go to church and spent time with people. BUT I choose people because I love people and I love investing myself into their lives. I might not see myself as good and as worthy as I am in the eyes of my Lord but I still can choose to trust that He knows what He is doing through me. Right?

And sometimes we want things to happen fast. Like you know when you were little and got to use computer for the first time (you get it when ure my age or older) and the computer took 10-15 minutes to start up, haha... And you waited patiently because you didnt know computers will start up within seconds in future. You waited. Patiently. And now, if a computer is too full of crap or something, it doesnt start up that fast and you panic because you want it NOW! REALLY? Get a grip. I mean it. We are so used to get everything RIGHT NOW or else we dont want it at all.
Let me give you an example of my own behavior the other day in the store... Oh boy did I get angry or what. So me and my friend we were standing in line to get some chicken (yum) and suddenly they just totally missed our number and called the number after us. What the heck. I mean I was like, HEY its our turn. We want our chicken NOW because it was our turn. And then the lady behind the counter was like, but I cant just take you in between and I walked away angry and then she called us back, that she will give us our chicken and I was already like, I DONT WANT YOUR CHICKEN. And so we walked away and stood somewhere with my friend and we were hungry and so we went back, got a new number and got our chicken (me=humbled and ashamed of my behavior).
But you know what. IT DOESNT have to be like that. I mean why do we so badly want to snap our fingers and expect God to answer our every single prayer within seconds. Maybe His plan is totally different to ours. Maybe He is like, I want THIS THING for you in a different time. Maybe He knows better! Have you thought about that? Maybe He actually knows better then you do. And maybe years later when you get your prayer answer you see that He knew. He never forgot, He just knew better...

Our lives are full of things we could do, should do, would do. Sometimes its our own excuses and lies in our hearts that stop us. Sometimes its not the time yet. And some things are just not meant for us. Make lists if you need to. Start somewhere. I am so writing this post to myself but also to you, my dear beautiful talented wonderful perfect darling great precious friend! I have so many lies in my heart trying to press me down every single day, hour, minute. I am not gonna give up. Even if I want to. So often. Listen to God and friends who want the best for you.
And wait for you chicken, ok? :)

Little things.

You know what, we all go through some different things. Every. Single. Day. We all fight with thoughts. With emotions. Some hide it better. Some worse (me). We ALL struggle. We all have little addictions.
So Im wondering, why DO we all try so desperately hide behind the masks then. When actually we are all in the same boat. We need each other. We need to know we are loved by one another. We need encouragement daily. From friends. From God. From friends through God.
I have had one heck of a hard week. My last post was about Martin, and I still dont know the full story plus I havent been able to go and see him /I would not be let in anyway so... But I mean my week started off with the worst news possible. Then in the middle of the week I started to struggle with my health (Not to mention the bad dreams I saw all week long) and the weekend off has been bad. Yesterday I had a full day on migraine and today I woke up with nausea. Bad stuff right?
Then why do I try to show everyone how strong I am then? I am not strong. I am heartbroken for some stuff and I am in pain. Nope. NOT strong.
BUT heck no Im gonna be brought down. I have a good family in blood and in Christ. I have Christ. I am loved loved loved loved loved. And you better start to feed that knowledge into your own heart as well. That no matter what we go through, no matter what we DO, we are loved. We can always, every single time, go back to Christ and know that through His blood we are forgiven. That through Him we are not forsaken and abandoned. We are NOT alone.

So, yes, its been a hard week. But I keep on seeing through the little things how He loves me. Little-big things. Like a new tea my friends brought me last night (some might say that it was my friends, not God, but hey, werent we all created by God to love and give...) while I had dreamed of a different kind of tea all day long... ;) Little things.

Why I ask...

...you to pray for my friend Martin!
On a Sunday night after a full day of good things, church, Steffanies etc I turn on my computer and first thing I see is a message on fb saying that Martin Traksmann is in a critical condition in Viljandi hospital. LIKE WHAT? WHY? WHEN? What the heck happened... So he was in a motorbike accident while driving back to Pärnu. I dont know the whole-full story but it was not his bad. And even if it would have been, what difference would it make in a bigger plan. Anyway Martin is a good friend of mine. I met him first a few years back and then again this summer when he just walked in to Youth Reality one Friday night. And he has been in our church quite a lot after that. We have been hanging out and I really like the dude´s heart and passion for God. He is sincere and he is a friend! SO I really really urge you to pray for him. He has several broken bones and some internal injuries, he is in the artificial coma; no spine damage and no signs of brain damage, so THANK God for that... BUT he better come out of it!!!!! Pray, thank God for him, pray as he is healed already. Dont think twice if you have time or not. JUST pray!!!!!

3 weeks

Haaa its starting to look like I write a post after another week has passed but oh no, I promise, when things cool off (which they probably wont anyway, haha) I might write more. Maybe. Maybe not... :)
So yes. 3 weeks in Pärnu and it just feels surreal. I cant believe another week has gone by without me noticing it. I gotta go to work today and 2 days off for example were like nothing. Im not sure I even did everything I wanted to do...
Ill share a bit about my last week. The only evening I had off was Monday evening. On Tuesday night I went out with Jenny Kruse people and some friends of mine to a Jenny Kruse boat-ride. That was FUN and cold but mostly fun. :) And then there were rehearsals and meetings with friends and youth reality and church and Sindi. But I am not the kind of person to sit at home alone anyway so it was all good. Its just time here passes by way too quick. Its already the last week of September and Im just like- what, wait, when, how come? :) I have had some good evenings with friends, sharing about dreams and visions, and I WANT TO DO SOME more music. And not on my own, while sitting home alone coz yes, I can do that, but it doesnt take me anywhere... haha. Maybe it does in a way, when its my alone time with God but thats different. :) Ok, maybe not so different, coz with friends, its also God in the midst of us! :)
Anyway, as you can see, my dear one, I cant get over and under and around the music part of me. Its so deep and its in me. And when Im with people, I can see, that it is coming out. Maybe in a different way than I would have expected, BUT in a good way. :)

Oh boy. And this week Im experimenting with something Ive done before as well. Im gonna have a sweets-fast-break, you can call it whatever. No candies, chocolate, cookies etc. I have had so much lately that its playing mind-games-tricks on me and I gotta have a week off. Somehow. I know I can do it. :) I know!!!

So enjoy your new week with God. With friends. With family. Please tell someone right now how precious they are to you and what they mean to you. Tell someone you love them. Or hug someone. Its so important. Probably more important then anything else.

Love, Kirsi

Crying like a baby early in the morning BUT this 3minute movie is very powerful and a must-see!
http://gawker.com/this-three-minute-commercial-puts-full-length-hollywood-1309506149

Yay for 2 weeks.

2 weeks ago I got the keys to my home. 2 weeks ago my first work-week started. 2 weeks ago I moved to Pärnu and today, finally after 2 weeks, I took a walk in the early morning to the sea-side. Oh Kirsi, why now? Why not every day for the last 2 weeks. It was just pure joy and enjoyment. What a view. What a way to see God´s glory. What an opportunity for me to just have my morning-times there since Im up anyway... A little bit windy, a little bit salty, crispy morning. Such fresh air...
And you know what, yesterday was a new day but so is today. It was a wonderful day. But so is today.
We had a guest in our church and he shared a story about something that I will probably never ever forget. About an elephant who is standing in one place because he doesnt know he can break free and run. Because when the big elephant was a baby-elephant he was grounded with the same stick to the ground and then he couldnt get off, he kept trying but just couldnt. So he gave up AND stopped trying. And when he grew up he had the same mind-set "Im stuck here coz I cant get off".
I am no elephant stuck in one place. And thats why I moved to Pärnu. I knew my place is here. FOR who knows how long Im here for but right now I dont want to go anywhere else. I am here and I am doing my thing. I am doing my thing with God. And with people who see potential in me (haha, hopefully!)... So if you still ask what the heck is Kirsika doing in Pärnu. WELL, MY THING. ;) I dont quite know yet what my thing really is, but little steps. Little steps. Little. And maybe a big step in the middle. But somewhere along the way I am doing my thing...