So why do I so easily let my heart be troubled by circumstances instead of looking to my Father?
I have been so tired lately, I barely keep my eyes open at work and when I get home I just sleep and sleep and then Im up for a few more hours to go back to bed again... I have been grumpy with people and a bit meanymeany and I feel as though I could do with a break from everything. I am not sad or anything, I am just tired.
And here comes the trixy part. I dont want my circumstances to bring me down or to bring people around me down because of me. I want to trust Him in everything and yet I fail.
Which doesnt mean I am a failure.
Because God is love. And grace and a new beginning.
So here I am saying that I need Him.
I need Him in my good days and also in my bad days. I dont want to be up and down. I want to be constant in Him.
And the thing is I am 100% human. I can be tired and I can feel like ... but that doesnt give me the right to snap at people. It just doesnt. The sad thing is that I always thought I HAVE the right to do that just because they are good friends or family. NO. I have been given a lot of thought to that lately and it is no excuse. I should treat them with respect and with love. Like Father has treated me, Like HE has accepted me fully into His family and heck, He never snaps at me.
So my friend, this is SO not a sad post. Or a "why-did-she-write-this-kind-of-thing-here?" post. This is just me writing down something I have been dealing with. And I tell you it is not the easiest thing in the whole wide world for me to step back and see myself from aside. I tend not to do that when it comes to ME. I try to justify my behavior. But something in my heart is changing and has already changed. Its not about ME. Its never been about me me me me, my needs, ME ME ME! Yes, I am loved and I am His beloved daughter, BUT the love He has given me, I want to give out in return. Even if it takes me a hundred more years to do that I will give my best shot at that. So bare with me, my precious friend, Im on a journey which will last a life-time.
Its already the 4th of April. And I woke up to snow. IN BALA. SNOW?? Did I say I woke up to SNOOOWWW?? Like what? I mean almost non of it has sticked to the ground or anything, but the mountains around the lake are covered with it. So white and beautiful. It is a "bit" wet and Im not very excited about walking in tomorrow morning but at least its fresh air I keep saying to myself...
Oh right. Back into my little book-world. :)
Kirsi
3.4.12
Oh!
If you live your life in constant fear of what could happen you´ll miss out on what should happen according to His plan!
Heck, how on earth did it take me that long to finally get the point? Im pretty sure I will drift back there a few more times, but I got it. I finally understood the meaning behind these words. I have been quoting them without really getting to the insight and here I am finally with an understanding in my heart.
I have been so afraid, so down, so many times because I have had some BIG fears about myself, about my future, about some people. And I have almost missed out on the opportunities of what God has had for me. And Not only what He has but what HE knows whats best for me. I never want to go back there again. You know the passage in Bible where it says: For freedom He has set us free. Well take it or leave it. I have looked over it in so many times and ways Ive lost my count. And just because fear has gotten on my way, it has paralyzed me and stopped me thinking. Fear of failure, fear of hurt and pain, fear that Ill be dissapointed and an dissapointment. Fear of future, fear of success.
Im pretty sure u know what Im talking about.
But hey Ive got another one: PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT ALL FEAR. And do you know what, His love is perfect. So if I just let myself for once see things through His perfect love, through His eyes I might see something beautiful.
I have a future.
I have a purpose.
I am His beloved.
And He is mine.
No fear can take me or stop me. If it does I know now where to run. Not away, but back to Him. Back where I should go. TO HIM!
Yeah, I will fail again. And I will cry. And I´ll be hurt again. And Ill face hardships but I want to look and rely upon His promises.
So shake that fear. Shake it so hard it will go away. Kick its butt. Let it run screaming from you. No daughter or son of God should live in fear. He has set our feet on a firm rock. And He has SET US FREE.
Go go now and be free of fear.
Oh cmn, get out of here already and do something useful with your day! :D
And ps! THANK YOU V, for always being there for me! I love you so much...
Hugs, Kirsi
:)
Heck, how on earth did it take me that long to finally get the point? Im pretty sure I will drift back there a few more times, but I got it. I finally understood the meaning behind these words. I have been quoting them without really getting to the insight and here I am finally with an understanding in my heart.
I have been so afraid, so down, so many times because I have had some BIG fears about myself, about my future, about some people. And I have almost missed out on the opportunities of what God has had for me. And Not only what He has but what HE knows whats best for me. I never want to go back there again. You know the passage in Bible where it says: For freedom He has set us free. Well take it or leave it. I have looked over it in so many times and ways Ive lost my count. And just because fear has gotten on my way, it has paralyzed me and stopped me thinking. Fear of failure, fear of hurt and pain, fear that Ill be dissapointed and an dissapointment. Fear of future, fear of success.
Im pretty sure u know what Im talking about.
But hey Ive got another one: PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT ALL FEAR. And do you know what, His love is perfect. So if I just let myself for once see things through His perfect love, through His eyes I might see something beautiful.
I have a future.
I have a purpose.
I am His beloved.
And He is mine.
No fear can take me or stop me. If it does I know now where to run. Not away, but back to Him. Back where I should go. TO HIM!
Yeah, I will fail again. And I will cry. And I´ll be hurt again. And Ill face hardships but I want to look and rely upon His promises.
So shake that fear. Shake it so hard it will go away. Kick its butt. Let it run screaming from you. No daughter or son of God should live in fear. He has set our feet on a firm rock. And He has SET US FREE.
Go go now and be free of fear.
Oh cmn, get out of here already and do something useful with your day! :D
And ps! THANK YOU V, for always being there for me! I love you so much...
Hugs, Kirsi
:)
2.4.12
Like an action-movie.
My dreams are like action-movies lately. A lot of running and some other sorts of action. Some bad some good. And I dont like it. I dont like dreams, never have and maybe never will. So my prayer is for them to stop. Jup. I got away from one today by a saving alarm...
Just looked at the weather forecast and it says SNOWING for the next 2 days???? LIKE WHAT? Eeeemn, are you kidding me? :D In April, in Wales??? We already had summer here for 2 weeks, what is happening?
So now. Its like 6.09 am and I need to start walking to work soon, and Im still sleeping. Im somewhere in the dream-land of snooze. Maybe. :D
And if I didnt tell you yet, then know this: YOU ARE LOVED. You are so very very very very loved! :)
And so am I!!!
HUGS
Just looked at the weather forecast and it says SNOWING for the next 2 days???? LIKE WHAT? Eeeemn, are you kidding me? :D In April, in Wales??? We already had summer here for 2 weeks, what is happening?
So now. Its like 6.09 am and I need to start walking to work soon, and Im still sleeping. Im somewhere in the dream-land of snooze. Maybe. :D
And if I didnt tell you yet, then know this: YOU ARE LOVED. You are so very very very very loved! :)
And so am I!!!
HUGS
1.4.12
31.3.12
Because Im someone who absolutely cannot live without music and I tend to listen to whatever new I find from youtube I found out y.day I have a bit of a problem. I am influenced. I have started to listen to a lot of wordly music again (which in general is not a bad thing) and its not like 1 song a day but many many songs... And katshing, it has totally done something to my heart. So Im not saying Im like against that, its just, it can do more harm then you realize. More harm then I realized. I have suddenly this realization in my heart from God after I heard a small nudge: "Be seperate!". Its like you think you can run and run and never get tired but heck you will. At one point you´re so tired and need to rest. I thought I can just listen to whatever I want. But if its giving me an uneasy feeling then why should I ruin my heart day after day?
So why am I telling this?
Well, sometimes we can get so mingled, so mixed up with wordly ways that we dont really see the line between us and the world anymore. OF C we live in this world, but even the Bible says we are not of this world. And dont you dare to understand me wrong here. I think music is good. It has been created by someone who LOVES music. Every musician included. But you know its like with TV, you find yourself so caught up and then 10 hours has passed and you have just soaked in nothing. Soaked in the bad news, in soap-operas, in reality-shows and I mean, do you feel good after that? How good? Tell me. Let me know if Im saying something wrong here...
So I want to challenge myself. Not you. Not today. Its me. I am the one who has been so caught up in wordly ways that I wake up in the morning the first thing I hear in my head is : "...Lalalla, spell on me, spell on me..." or something more or less like that.
And now. A way back into love (well, thats a song as well, but its a good one, kind of). :) I am finding my way back into some new stuff and its great. Its scary but worth it. Drinking my tea again and thinking how great it is to wake up early when everyone else is still asleep and just take my time being. Doing not a lot but just being. :)
Played a bit of guitar yesterday and heck, I need to practise more. And more. And more. If I ever want to get somewhere I need to do it. I need to put more time into it, not just 30 minutes of my day. OK now that I said it out loud here I cant take it back here. So you remind me, deal? ;)
See you soon, my beautiful, my precious friend.
So why am I telling this?
Well, sometimes we can get so mingled, so mixed up with wordly ways that we dont really see the line between us and the world anymore. OF C we live in this world, but even the Bible says we are not of this world. And dont you dare to understand me wrong here. I think music is good. It has been created by someone who LOVES music. Every musician included. But you know its like with TV, you find yourself so caught up and then 10 hours has passed and you have just soaked in nothing. Soaked in the bad news, in soap-operas, in reality-shows and I mean, do you feel good after that? How good? Tell me. Let me know if Im saying something wrong here...
So I want to challenge myself. Not you. Not today. Its me. I am the one who has been so caught up in wordly ways that I wake up in the morning the first thing I hear in my head is : "...Lalalla, spell on me, spell on me..." or something more or less like that.
And now. A way back into love (well, thats a song as well, but its a good one, kind of). :) I am finding my way back into some new stuff and its great. Its scary but worth it. Drinking my tea again and thinking how great it is to wake up early when everyone else is still asleep and just take my time being. Doing not a lot but just being. :)
Played a bit of guitar yesterday and heck, I need to practise more. And more. And more. If I ever want to get somewhere I need to do it. I need to put more time into it, not just 30 minutes of my day. OK now that I said it out loud here I cant take it back here. So you remind me, deal? ;)
See you soon, my beautiful, my precious friend.
30.3.12
Shhh!
Secrets secrets. I have never been good at them. I mean, I do keep secrets that people tell me, but surprises that I tend to make always slip out somehow. Runs in the family. ;) I guess Im pretty popular now with my coming-to-Estonia news and I must say IM SO happy. Im so excited for what is ahead of me and I know Father is excited with me! :) I bought my ticket to Estonia yesterday and I believe I made the right decision. Cant tell when and what and how but let me just say Im coming.
So how are you? Whats up?
Im up to many things now. First of all: today in a month´s time Ill be 25 years old. Now thats something. :) I couldnt believe 10 years ago that Im actually gonna be 25. Heck. It seems somehow so grown-up etc. But here I am, near the new age and its pretty chkool. My friend asked for a birthday-present-list. Well, Im not gonna give one. Like I said to my (good) friend the other day that Im not really a material-girl. I love gifts, yes, but more then that I love something from one´s heart. Sometimes a self-made present, a card, a heart-shaped rock (jup, got that the other day, pretty special) is better than a big fancy something that is just bought coz one has to. Nope. Thats not me. ;) SO there you go, no big lists this year. Just send me chocolate and Ill smile for the rest of the week.
Then we celebrated R´s b-day the other day. Now that was a goood good evening. I made a very typical estonian cookie-cake which was almost as good as in Estonia. Well, 25% of it found its way on the floor, but hey, it was a big cake. :D
Mh, the weather is still precious. Not as warm as before but still good.
And in an horror she looked at the list in her notebook and realized that in a year´s time she has read 42 books. 42 BOOKS, HAS SHE LOST IT? :D Omg, I have read 42 books in English, I think I really must love reading or I have just gone completely mad. So basically if you wanna know some sort of book-recommedation just ask me, ok? ;)
I also wanted to post the lyrics of one the most amazing songs ever written (in my eyes):
LOVE CAME DOWN
(By: Brian and Jenn Johnson, Jeremy Riddle, Ian Mcintosh)
If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear You voice
I´ll hold on to what is true though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith I WILL believe
I remind myself of all that You´ve done
And the life I have because of Your Son
Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours I am forever Yours
Mountain high or valley low
I sing out remind my soul
I am Yours I am forever Yours
When my heart is filled with hope and every promise comes my way
When I feel Your hands of grace rest upon me
Staying desperate for You God, staying humbled at Your feet
I will lift these hands and praise I will believe
So how are you? Whats up?
Im up to many things now. First of all: today in a month´s time Ill be 25 years old. Now thats something. :) I couldnt believe 10 years ago that Im actually gonna be 25. Heck. It seems somehow so grown-up etc. But here I am, near the new age and its pretty chkool. My friend asked for a birthday-present-list. Well, Im not gonna give one. Like I said to my (good) friend the other day that Im not really a material-girl. I love gifts, yes, but more then that I love something from one´s heart. Sometimes a self-made present, a card, a heart-shaped rock (jup, got that the other day, pretty special) is better than a big fancy something that is just bought coz one has to. Nope. Thats not me. ;) SO there you go, no big lists this year. Just send me chocolate and Ill smile for the rest of the week.
Then we celebrated R´s b-day the other day. Now that was a goood good evening. I made a very typical estonian cookie-cake which was almost as good as in Estonia. Well, 25% of it found its way on the floor, but hey, it was a big cake. :D
Mh, the weather is still precious. Not as warm as before but still good.
And in an horror she looked at the list in her notebook and realized that in a year´s time she has read 42 books. 42 BOOKS, HAS SHE LOST IT? :D Omg, I have read 42 books in English, I think I really must love reading or I have just gone completely mad. So basically if you wanna know some sort of book-recommedation just ask me, ok? ;)
I also wanted to post the lyrics of one the most amazing songs ever written (in my eyes):
LOVE CAME DOWN
(By: Brian and Jenn Johnson, Jeremy Riddle, Ian Mcintosh)
If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear You voice
I´ll hold on to what is true though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith I WILL believe
I remind myself of all that You´ve done
And the life I have because of Your Son
Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours I am forever Yours
Mountain high or valley low
I sing out remind my soul
I am Yours I am forever Yours
When my heart is filled with hope and every promise comes my way
When I feel Your hands of grace rest upon me
Staying desperate for You God, staying humbled at Your feet
I will lift these hands and praise I will believe
29.3.12
28.3.12
Ah ma siin niisama issiga. Tegelikult mulle tuli lihtsalt Saaremaa reis jälle meelde. Oli ikka üks eriline reis küll. Üle pika aja jagasin oma tunnistust seal. Oli veidi ülepeakaela ja igast asjast natuke (peaksin maha istuma ja ah tegelikult... mis, see olen ju mina), aga usun, et see tunnistus oli hea! Ja meil igal ühel on oma lugu. Oma asjad, millest me läbi oleme läinud ja võitjana välja tulnud. Meil on kõigil oma minevik ja valusad kohad. Valusad hetked. Ma usun, et mõnel on need hetked nii valusad, et ei saa hingata, ei saa mõelda, ei saa edasi minna. Tead, mis? Isa tahab selle terveks teha, et sa saaksid edasi liikuda. Ma tean. Ma leian end tihti kohas jälle ja jälle, kus ma tahaks karjuda. Kus ma tahaks valu pärast kerra tõmbuda ja mitte üles tõusta enam. Ja järgmisel hetkel on Isa käed mind vaikselt vaikselt lohutamas, et Kirss, MA OLEN SINUGA JA MA EI JÄTA SIND. Ma olin su kõrval, kui sul oli valus ja ma olen siin praegu.Võta vastu Ta armastus. Ma ei mängi siin mingit Jeesus-armastab-sind-kõik-probleemid-lahenevad-mängu. Probleemid on alati. Ja asjad juhtuvad. Halvad asjad. Kedagi kasutatakse ära, kedagi lüüakse, pekstakse, kellelegi õeldakse nii halvasti, armistatakse terveks eluks. "Sa ei ole piisavalt hea". "Sa ei saa sellega hakkama". "Sa ei kõlba kuskile". Tuttavad laused, eks? JA MUL ON SULLE UUDIS. Jumalaga ei ole alati kõik kerge.
Mul ei ole kerge.
Seda ei ole kuskil õeldud, et kerge oleks.
AGA meil on võimalus need asjad Isale anda.
Ma olen terve elu oma südames kandnud lauseid ja sõnu ja pahna, mis on mind halvanud. Hirmu, mis on mind takistanud edasi minemast.
Ja arvatavasti tegelen ma sellega (või tegelikult, lasen Isal tegeleda) veel pikka aega. See on protsess. Minu teekond. Minu võimalus usaldada. Ja ma tahan seda teha.
Ärkasin täna jälle peale halba unenägu. Väga halb oli. Ja seekord olin mina tagakiusaja rollis. Nägin end kohas, kus ma tegin kellelegi väga haiget ja mõtlesin, et MUL oli õigus. Et mina olengi hea ja mul on õigus kellelegi, kes on mulle haiget teinud, vastata samaga. EI OLE ÕIGUS. Meil ei ole kedagi õigus hukka mõista. Me ei tea nende lugusidki ja juba hakkame näpuga näitama.
Appi, ma ei pidanud ju sellest rääkima... :) Nii, kus ma tegelikult olin siis?
Saaremaa.
Jaa, Saaremaa.
Vahel me ei tea, mida üks väike kink võib teha. R+V ei aimanud ka, kuidas see reis minu elu võib muuta ja nad lihtsalt andsid mulle raha ja ütlesid: mine. Ja nüüd on mul otsus tehtud, et tulen tagasi koju. Oma Eestisse. Oma kohukeste ja musta leiva juurde. Oma pere ja sõprade juurde. Ühe ootusega. Ja teadmisega, et ma olen oodatud.
:)
HEA!
26.3.12
Now then.
Hello there.
So I must say again. And again and probably a 100x more in this blog how amazing people I have in my life. I have many friends but there are a few of them who actually dare to speak truth into my life and for that Im am grateful. For that I am thankful. And yeah, it is hard to always trust and listen and actually take it in what they have to say to you but heck its worth it. Its worth to listen and recieve rather then be stubborn and negative.
Today was not the easiest day. Migraine and a moodymood. But thats not gonna define who I am. I am Kirsika, a Daughter of God, I am a Princess and I am Loved by my Beloved. I am Fearfully and Wonderfully made, knitted together in my mother´s womb.
And Ive got some pretty good news.
SO ARE YOU!
Well, maybe you´re a man, so please dont be offended and all, just change the SHE part with HE and there you go. ;)
So I must say again. And again and probably a 100x more in this blog how amazing people I have in my life. I have many friends but there are a few of them who actually dare to speak truth into my life and for that Im am grateful. For that I am thankful. And yeah, it is hard to always trust and listen and actually take it in what they have to say to you but heck its worth it. Its worth to listen and recieve rather then be stubborn and negative.
Today was not the easiest day. Migraine and a moodymood. But thats not gonna define who I am. I am Kirsika, a Daughter of God, I am a Princess and I am Loved by my Beloved. I am Fearfully and Wonderfully made, knitted together in my mother´s womb.
And Ive got some pretty good news.
SO ARE YOU!
Well, maybe you´re a man, so please dont be offended and all, just change the SHE part with HE and there you go. ;)
24.3.12
Heya
Wow what a day its been. Actually what 2 days. I havent enjoyed my days off so much as this weekend ever before I think... The weather has been just amazing. Ive had a few walks, talks, skype-chats, worship, crafting, cleaning, good food... Uh, the number of things, well, the list, it could just go on and on and on. Ill just show you in pictures what Ive been doing. :) So the first one is taken today (ofc by myself) at my wonderful walk near the waterfall.
2nd one is my Skype-chat from Tapa Father´s Heart conference (just about the worshiptime).
3rd picture has the most amazing cherry-blossoms Ive ever seen...
4th picture is of the weather fore-cast in Bala and 5th picture is taken y-day.
:):):):):)
23.3.12
So I just CANT get this song out of my mind today and Id love to share it with you so maybe it gets stuck as well: "There is power in the name of Jesus, to break every chane, to brake EVERY chane, to break every chane!" :)
You see, every time we speak out things in the name of Jesus, in the name of Father, in the name of Holy Spirit, things will start to change, sooner or later, they have to! Coz My Father is a Mighty One, a Holy One, Redeeming and Mercyful. Never leaving my side, even in hard times. So I believe when I trust Him with my things, things will change.
I guess many of you are asking, why is she coming back.
Well, I wanna close that topic for now. Just because I want to! :) I dont want to overthink and thats what Ive been doing the last few weeks. I wanna enjoy my time, my life, my journey. I wanna relax, close my eyes and just be. And you be as well, be free of every condemnation, every judgment. Just take it easy. Or dont worry be happy like one of my gooooood friend told me yesterday. ;)
There is a time and season for every activity under heaven, so I believe its time for me to come home and see what my country has for me. And for us in general. So there we go, the cat is finally out of the bag and I bet there are at least a few people who are happy for me and with me! ;)
So today I have a day off. Im gonna try to do quite a few things, but most of all Im gonna enjoy. Enjoy just being where I am and who I am. Try it for a change! Turn off your ideas of who you should be and who you should not be and enjoy WHO YOU ARE. Coz you cant be anyone else, they´re taken already (old joke, but still a good one).
(Oh, I gotta share this. So we have a new bunch of people at the school again and one of them started calling me Kissika (at first an accident, later not so), he knows well enough my name is KiRsika, but anyway Ive got a new name now).
Hugs
Kirsi
You see, every time we speak out things in the name of Jesus, in the name of Father, in the name of Holy Spirit, things will start to change, sooner or later, they have to! Coz My Father is a Mighty One, a Holy One, Redeeming and Mercyful. Never leaving my side, even in hard times. So I believe when I trust Him with my things, things will change.
I guess many of you are asking, why is she coming back.
Well, I wanna close that topic for now. Just because I want to! :) I dont want to overthink and thats what Ive been doing the last few weeks. I wanna enjoy my time, my life, my journey. I wanna relax, close my eyes and just be. And you be as well, be free of every condemnation, every judgment. Just take it easy. Or dont worry be happy like one of my gooooood friend told me yesterday. ;)
There is a time and season for every activity under heaven, so I believe its time for me to come home and see what my country has for me. And for us in general. So there we go, the cat is finally out of the bag and I bet there are at least a few people who are happy for me and with me! ;)
So today I have a day off. Im gonna try to do quite a few things, but most of all Im gonna enjoy. Enjoy just being where I am and who I am. Try it for a change! Turn off your ideas of who you should be and who you should not be and enjoy WHO YOU ARE. Coz you cant be anyone else, they´re taken already (old joke, but still a good one).
(Oh, I gotta share this. So we have a new bunch of people at the school again and one of them started calling me Kissika (at first an accident, later not so), he knows well enough my name is KiRsika, but anyway Ive got a new name now).
Hugs
Kirsi
22.3.12
I know
Its springtime.
I know I have said that tons of times that spring in Bala starts in February but it really is and it really starts. And it means the world to me to see that. To be here. To smell it, to photograph it, to memorize it.
Coz it might be my last spring here.
So Im letting out a huge sigh not when I say my next.
Im coming back to Estonia this year.
I cant say when, coz some things need to remain as a knowledge only for me and a few others, but other then that IM COMING BACK HOME. To my Estonia. To my family. And friends. To Ester, to mum and dad, to relatives... I dont want it to be a big deal. I want it to be a next step in my life and I want you to walk with me and pray for me. I need support and I need love. Nobody in their lives needs discouragement. :)
But so the big news is out. I didnt want it to be some sort of secret that Im gonna live it for the rest of my time here. I want to share this with you. :) Coz Im happy. Im living in a springtime, in a wait, in a season of love, in hope and in future.
Sometimes we are just lingering on in a hope that there will be a BIG sign in the heaven - GO. But you know, after I made the decision I finally recieved peace. Only after. And now I know I am doing the right thing. And Ive got the best thing ever to hold on to. My hope. My God. My Jesus. And my Holy Spirit. Oh how I loved the book "The Shack" - I loved how it described Holy Spirit. I sometimes imagine myself walking next to HS, that she is just so colourful, vibrant, seethrough, that she is helping me and giving me warnings, hope, love, sharing and caring. I wish I could actually see her with my heart, hear her more. Give more space to her in my life (ok, now you ask me, why her, why not him, well, why not????).
You know, Im sometimes sooooooo deaf to what He says to me but when I actually listen to my Father I hear. I hear Him guiding me, reassuring me, telling me to stop when needed and go on when safe... I feel His gentle kisses in the wind, I even know that He is with me. yeah. Its not always easy to know. Like when I dont sleep, its like, why am I wide awake all night long, or when Im in pain, where are you God? But He is right here, with me, He is in that place where Im suffering. And He is loving me so deep. So much.
And what Im trying to say is I knew all along I needed to come back at one point. And it will happen. If not soon then this year. I have already the month in my heart and I cant tell you yet. :) So I guess Ill see you soon my beautiful friend.
Love, Kirsi
I know I have said that tons of times that spring in Bala starts in February but it really is and it really starts. And it means the world to me to see that. To be here. To smell it, to photograph it, to memorize it.
Coz it might be my last spring here.
So Im letting out a huge sigh not when I say my next.
Im coming back to Estonia this year.
I cant say when, coz some things need to remain as a knowledge only for me and a few others, but other then that IM COMING BACK HOME. To my Estonia. To my family. And friends. To Ester, to mum and dad, to relatives... I dont want it to be a big deal. I want it to be a next step in my life and I want you to walk with me and pray for me. I need support and I need love. Nobody in their lives needs discouragement. :)
But so the big news is out. I didnt want it to be some sort of secret that Im gonna live it for the rest of my time here. I want to share this with you. :) Coz Im happy. Im living in a springtime, in a wait, in a season of love, in hope and in future.
Sometimes we are just lingering on in a hope that there will be a BIG sign in the heaven - GO. But you know, after I made the decision I finally recieved peace. Only after. And now I know I am doing the right thing. And Ive got the best thing ever to hold on to. My hope. My God. My Jesus. And my Holy Spirit. Oh how I loved the book "The Shack" - I loved how it described Holy Spirit. I sometimes imagine myself walking next to HS, that she is just so colourful, vibrant, seethrough, that she is helping me and giving me warnings, hope, love, sharing and caring. I wish I could actually see her with my heart, hear her more. Give more space to her in my life (ok, now you ask me, why her, why not him, well, why not????).
You know, Im sometimes sooooooo deaf to what He says to me but when I actually listen to my Father I hear. I hear Him guiding me, reassuring me, telling me to stop when needed and go on when safe... I feel His gentle kisses in the wind, I even know that He is with me. yeah. Its not always easy to know. Like when I dont sleep, its like, why am I wide awake all night long, or when Im in pain, where are you God? But He is right here, with me, He is in that place where Im suffering. And He is loving me so deep. So much.
And what Im trying to say is I knew all along I needed to come back at one point. And it will happen. If not soon then this year. I have already the month in my heart and I cant tell you yet. :) So I guess Ill see you soon my beautiful friend.
Love, Kirsi
20.3.12
Shh!
No words. No great songs. No big thoughts today. Just me and my cup of tea. And a few pictures to sort through.Ok I have some thoughts. Im happy actually. I am really looking forward to quite a few things. A few are more public then others. Like my dad and M coming here. Oh I asked Ester to draw me a bday card and send it with dad when he comes. They´re gonna leave Bala just 1 day before my big 25, so I can actually celebrate it with them as well. They better take me out or... :D
And Im happy coz I am coz I am coz I am. I have a few reasons. One of them quite a lot of you know but one of them non of you know. :) Oh isnt it intriguing? I love secrets! ;) And one of them even I dont know... Lets just say times are changing.
Now the next thing Id like to have is my health back. Its been days of nose.blowing and days of coughing now so heck I need it back. I believe in miracles, so one for me please! :)
And then about this book I just finished: "Sons of Encouragement" by Francine Rivers. Its a series of 5 books (http://francinerivers.com/books/series/sons-encouragement) and I strongly suggest it. There were 2 that really spoke into my heart. Jonathan and Silas. And I just loved their love and devotion for God. And somehow God is speaking to me through books lately. Dont laugh, I dont mean that I can hear His strong voice echoing somewhere over me, but I hear His voice in my heart. And its beautiful. You know if you just once would try to listen and give it a chance you might hear Him as well. :)
So a book-a-holic as I am I have probably done my own record in a year 30-40 books, heck, I guess I really do have a lot of free time in my hands...
Anyway I better go on with my morning and blow my nose or smth like that.
Hugs.
A little sheep to remind you the Love of Jesus for His beloved ones. He so wants to guide us like a shepherd guides its sheep. So my suggestion is to follow. Follow. And follow.
Love, K
18.3.12
...
So I thought Id like to share 2 pictures with you.First one is my medicine supply before I got more stuff (like some strong stuff to rub on your chest and under your nose so your eyes will start to water so bad)...
The 2nd picture just blew my mind this morning. Well, not the picture but whats on it. I think someone dropped it behind my door last night and it probably went to the B&B, but its from LV from a deardear friend of mine and I just dont know, this girl, she has put so much effort into making all this stuff... I mean, its not anymore that I see it 3-4 times a year that Im loved but I actually see it every day through my friends, family, nature, I see God´s astonishing love everywhere.
And Im thankful.
Coughing and red-nose cherry.
:)
17.3.12
oh meeen
Hahaa that is just hilarious. I thought my situation is bad enough with a toilet roll to blow my nose with when a friend of mine send me a msg: "I got flu and fever. And I have kitchen roll with me, it's bigger than toilet roll." Oh meeen... :D
Ok maybe its not that funny but a little bit...
I dont know if u´ve noticed but I blog about 1 millionbizillion times more when I have nothing to do. I have no strenght to really anything but rest at the moment. So I blog. Watch movies, read, eat what I find from the freezer and try to be still. Try to get healed as soon as possible.
Its hard. This doing nothing. Im a doer. I really dont know if its even a word of not but thats who I am. I tend to overdo and then I feel worse in the evenings... heck. I wanna be my normal self again, back to work, back to the things that I DO. Maybe there is some sort of lesson in all of this, like maybe its ok to just BE...
Maybe.
Ok maybe its not that funny but a little bit...
I dont know if u´ve noticed but I blog about 1 millionbizillion times more when I have nothing to do. I have no strenght to really anything but rest at the moment. So I blog. Watch movies, read, eat what I find from the freezer and try to be still. Try to get healed as soon as possible.
Its hard. This doing nothing. Im a doer. I really dont know if its even a word of not but thats who I am. I tend to overdo and then I feel worse in the evenings... heck. I wanna be my normal self again, back to work, back to the things that I DO. Maybe there is some sort of lesson in all of this, like maybe its ok to just BE...
Maybe.
No numbers
Im not gonna put any numbers anymore on top of the posts coz I think I have lost my count. Anyway I know that yesterday was my anniversary for 1 year of Bala and in a way it was one of the hardest day here so far coz of the cold I have. I havent been sick for 3 years at least, not with a cold. And its like you cant breathe and you have to carry toilet-roll with you everywhere you go, haha. Not funny! :) Im just glad I have a family here who cares for me so much they are ok bringing me more medicine 9.30 pm... I really needed the stuff coz Im better today already. I hope so at least. I think I had a tiny bit of fever as well but who knows since I dont own anything to measure it with. But its ok, sometimes not knowing is better... :)
But back to the video I made yesterday. I just wanted to share a little story how I came to that, why I did it and what is going on. So, as you might remember last year in the beginning of July I was kind of in a place I didnt know what to do anymore, yes, I was singing, but it was getting harder to always find someone to play with. And I have a friend in Est who just told me fair and blunt I need to study an instrument. And I was like, heck, me? I cant do it and who are you to tell me I can? But it got me to a point I couldnt get his ideas out of my heart and I started. In July 2011 I started with my own studies and I tell you it hasnt been easy. With no teacher around. Im thankful for thousands of tutorials online, but still there has been noone to check how I am (except in Christmastime for one day I had a teacher) doing and if Im doing smth wrong etc. Anyway the first 3 months I practised so much I did a little damage to my wrist and didnt play for a month after that and then started again. It was mostly repeating all over again the chords and the changes etc.
So yesterday to actually make the video, well, it def was jumping over some rocks for me. To dare to really record smth and put it online? I mean its been so easy with Margus, he plays I sing. Thats how its always been. So Im just learning how to do the 2 together. :) And that song was by far the hardest one to translate, SO MANY WORDS... hehe... :)
Alright. So there you go. But Im sure at one point I know Im gonna have a teacher and someone to guide me where to go and what to do. Maybe when I move back to Estonia in future! ;)
Hugggs
Kirsi
But back to the video I made yesterday. I just wanted to share a little story how I came to that, why I did it and what is going on. So, as you might remember last year in the beginning of July I was kind of in a place I didnt know what to do anymore, yes, I was singing, but it was getting harder to always find someone to play with. And I have a friend in Est who just told me fair and blunt I need to study an instrument. And I was like, heck, me? I cant do it and who are you to tell me I can? But it got me to a point I couldnt get his ideas out of my heart and I started. In July 2011 I started with my own studies and I tell you it hasnt been easy. With no teacher around. Im thankful for thousands of tutorials online, but still there has been noone to check how I am (except in Christmastime for one day I had a teacher) doing and if Im doing smth wrong etc. Anyway the first 3 months I practised so much I did a little damage to my wrist and didnt play for a month after that and then started again. It was mostly repeating all over again the chords and the changes etc.
So yesterday to actually make the video, well, it def was jumping over some rocks for me. To dare to really record smth and put it online? I mean its been so easy with Margus, he plays I sing. Thats how its always been. So Im just learning how to do the 2 together. :) And that song was by far the hardest one to translate, SO MANY WORDS... hehe... :)
Alright. So there you go. But Im sure at one point I know Im gonna have a teacher and someone to guide me where to go and what to do. Maybe when I move back to Estonia in future! ;)
Hugggs
Kirsi
16.3.12
I DID IT!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxLlbn-yMLc
Had to translate a song and thought Id just record it. This is my first vid up here where I actually play the guitar... Had to jump over some rocks to do that!
Sry about the broken voice and hope its not too bad (have a cold at the moment and shouldnt really sing but cant help it). :)
Original song - "I LOVE YOUR PRESENCE" By Bethel Music, mine is just a cover.
Hugs, Kirsi 16.03.2012
Had to translate a song and thought Id just record it. This is my first vid up here where I actually play the guitar... Had to jump over some rocks to do that!
Sry about the broken voice and hope its not too bad (have a cold at the moment and shouldnt really sing but cant help it). :)
Original song - "I LOVE YOUR PRESENCE" By Bethel Music, mine is just a cover.
Hugs, Kirsi 16.03.2012
ONE YEAR
Its been exactly 1 year in Bala today. On the 16th of March 2011 I was ready to make this step and live in Bala for a certain amount of time. And today, a year later, Im still here. :)
So how should one celebrate if one has a bad cold?
Well, let me tell you. With Mr.Medicine and Kalev and Johnny and Mr.Darcy (Im not sure I have the strenght for the last Mr but we will see)... :)
http://virsika.blogspot.com/2011/03/safely-in-wales.html - My first entry in Bala. Day #1.
So how should one celebrate if one has a bad cold?
Well, let me tell you. With Mr.Medicine and Kalev and Johnny and Mr.Darcy (Im not sure I have the strenght for the last Mr but we will see)... :)
http://virsika.blogspot.com/2011/03/safely-in-wales.html - My first entry in Bala. Day #1.
So there we go, A YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(And I figured out why I messed up with dates and stuff... The reason is I started reading the days on the wrong day - 17.03 which should have been my 2nd day here!)
15.3.12
Be still, my Love
I felt y-day that its not actually as warm outside for me to only wear a jumper but hey, it was sunny. So early in the morning today, around 4am I opened my eyes and felt my throat is just burning so bad. I did fall back to sleep but 2,5 hours later its still there. This crazy pain.
And then I thought about the fact Im suppose to lead worship 8 days in a row now for 2 schools here starting today...
And my heart just sank.
And suddenly I hear this quiet voice in me: "Do not let YOUR heart be troubled".
So I wont. I know now even if I cant lead worship, I mean, whatever happenes, He is with me.
Always.
And then I thought about the fact Im suppose to lead worship 8 days in a row now for 2 schools here starting today...
And my heart just sank.
And suddenly I hear this quiet voice in me: "Do not let YOUR heart be troubled".
So I wont. I know now even if I cant lead worship, I mean, whatever happenes, He is with me.
Always.
14.3.12
361
Haha, now I actually think that I have messed up something somewhere with the dates, because on the 16.of March it should be a year but its only 2 days from today and the number up there is 361?? Eeh Ive always been pretty bad with numbers. :D Oh well. You will survive. If I am alive then you will def survive...
So almost almost a year ago I came here and stayed. I came for 6 months and soon it´ll be 12... How crazy is that?
I dont have a lot to say today expect this: APPRECIATE YOUR home, your family, your friends. These are the things that stay. Money will always come and go and so does everything else. But there are a certain people, certain places that will always welcome you. So your job is to appreciate them. I mean it. :)
Mh, actually. I do have some greatt news. MY PAPA IS COMING TO BALA next month for 10 days and Margus with him. Hurrayyyy! Im pretty happyclappy about this. We´re gonna rock´n´roll. Ok, they´re probably gonna rest, Ill do the rocking and rolling. :D So yeah...
:)
So almost almost a year ago I came here and stayed. I came for 6 months and soon it´ll be 12... How crazy is that?
I dont have a lot to say today expect this: APPRECIATE YOUR home, your family, your friends. These are the things that stay. Money will always come and go and so does everything else. But there are a certain people, certain places that will always welcome you. So your job is to appreciate them. I mean it. :)
Mh, actually. I do have some greatt news. MY PAPA IS COMING TO BALA next month for 10 days and Margus with him. Hurrayyyy! Im pretty happyclappy about this. We´re gonna rock´n´roll. Ok, they´re probably gonna rest, Ill do the rocking and rolling. :D So yeah...
:)
13.3.12
Watford Part II
So Part II is written after the trip. Today. Like right now. :)
I wrote about Friday and Saturday already so Im not going there... But Sunday. Wow. Sunday was beautiful. Again. We took the morning very slow and easy. Nathalie got up a bit later then I did and then we had breakfast, did our make up, nails, hair, dressed properly and went out for the day. Had our own little date in a small town called St. Albans. What a beautiful place. We had to take a train there but it was so close it was like a blink of an eye. Walked around, went to a cafe, saw a market (felt like old days, so nice) and took pictures. At one point we both got tired and returned to N´s home. I went for a tiny nap and around 5pm we headed to church. Soul Survivor Church. Oh what a great time, worship, word, a little fellowship and then back to home. Dinner and bed. I loved it. It was such a refreshment to do that. So many young people around me and such the presence of Father...
On Monday N went to work, we said our goodbyes which was a bit hard coz actually I dont know when Ill see her again. So around 12.30 pm I left the house and started walking towards trainstation wwith my heavy bags, tell you, that wasnt easy. My shoulder is still a bit weird. :D I made it (surprise, me, good at finding places???) and found my platform and my journey started again. This time with no missed trains etc. I did have tons of waiting everywhere so 6-7 hours after my first train I stepped into our flat and realized how tired I am. 2 trains, 1 bus.
Oh I gotta tell you ab 1 funny experience I had y.day. So after the 2nd train I had an hour in Ruabon til my next bus. And Im like desperate for a lu (if u dunno what it is then its the place where everyone needs to go once in a while... :D). There I am with no chances of going into one and so I take my 3 bags and start walking. I step into the first pub that comes my way and everyone´s eyes are on me. And suddenly I realize Im the only woman in the house with bunch of men. Hahaha, so I take it very coolly, step to the counter and be all like, can I have a peppermint tea and the guys just panic. HHAHHAA, I mean obviously not a lot of ladies go there and have a peppermint tea. Finally he finds one and Im like, I need a lu. UH thank God there was one. I come back and everybody starts talking to me. And I find out Im in the best pub in Wales, they had just gotten some sort of award coz they make the best beer (ale?)... Anyway there I am all talking and stuff and I realize Id have never been able to do that a couple of months ago. And Im all happy coz actually its not that bad. I did enjoy myself, with a tea and a smile on my face. Ofc I was asked tons of questions what the heck am I doing in Bala etc, but talking to a bunch of strangers has never been my strong side. (oh dont worry they were all a lil bit elderly men, so no young fellas to be afraid of). :) Anyway my lil encounter with a real local pub went well.
So overall this trip was def the best one Ive had in years. On my own. I believe God, Father was with me and guiding me. I think He set angels to watch over me. And I learned one word - TRUST!
Trust Me, daughter. Trust Me, SON! :)
And may the new adventures come soon. Oh I know they will. You might not know, but I know! :D
I wrote about Friday and Saturday already so Im not going there... But Sunday. Wow. Sunday was beautiful. Again. We took the morning very slow and easy. Nathalie got up a bit later then I did and then we had breakfast, did our make up, nails, hair, dressed properly and went out for the day. Had our own little date in a small town called St. Albans. What a beautiful place. We had to take a train there but it was so close it was like a blink of an eye. Walked around, went to a cafe, saw a market (felt like old days, so nice) and took pictures. At one point we both got tired and returned to N´s home. I went for a tiny nap and around 5pm we headed to church. Soul Survivor Church. Oh what a great time, worship, word, a little fellowship and then back to home. Dinner and bed. I loved it. It was such a refreshment to do that. So many young people around me and such the presence of Father...
On Monday N went to work, we said our goodbyes which was a bit hard coz actually I dont know when Ill see her again. So around 12.30 pm I left the house and started walking towards trainstation wwith my heavy bags, tell you, that wasnt easy. My shoulder is still a bit weird. :D I made it (surprise, me, good at finding places???) and found my platform and my journey started again. This time with no missed trains etc. I did have tons of waiting everywhere so 6-7 hours after my first train I stepped into our flat and realized how tired I am. 2 trains, 1 bus.
Oh I gotta tell you ab 1 funny experience I had y.day. So after the 2nd train I had an hour in Ruabon til my next bus. And Im like desperate for a lu (if u dunno what it is then its the place where everyone needs to go once in a while... :D). There I am with no chances of going into one and so I take my 3 bags and start walking. I step into the first pub that comes my way and everyone´s eyes are on me. And suddenly I realize Im the only woman in the house with bunch of men. Hahaha, so I take it very coolly, step to the counter and be all like, can I have a peppermint tea and the guys just panic. HHAHHAA, I mean obviously not a lot of ladies go there and have a peppermint tea. Finally he finds one and Im like, I need a lu. UH thank God there was one. I come back and everybody starts talking to me. And I find out Im in the best pub in Wales, they had just gotten some sort of award coz they make the best beer (ale?)... Anyway there I am all talking and stuff and I realize Id have never been able to do that a couple of months ago. And Im all happy coz actually its not that bad. I did enjoy myself, with a tea and a smile on my face. Ofc I was asked tons of questions what the heck am I doing in Bala etc, but talking to a bunch of strangers has never been my strong side. (oh dont worry they were all a lil bit elderly men, so no young fellas to be afraid of). :) Anyway my lil encounter with a real local pub went well.
So overall this trip was def the best one Ive had in years. On my own. I believe God, Father was with me and guiding me. I think He set angels to watch over me. And I learned one word - TRUST!
Trust Me, daughter. Trust Me, SON! :)
And may the new adventures come soon. Oh I know they will. You might not know, but I know! :D
Watford - Part I
So Ill go back in time and Ill post now what I wrote in Watford. This is part I of the trip that I had! :)
10.03.2012
Wow, Im here, in Watford. I made it. With Daddy.
So yesterday I had the most amazing thing happened to me. Which at first seemed like a crappy start turned out to be a blessing. So Vicki was suppose to pick me up from the flat around 1.30pm and she did which was good and there we are in a car, driving to Ruabon to get me to my first train and suddenly I get this horrible feeling that Ive messed up really bad. I look at my times and jep, there it was, I was suppose to go an hour earlier coz the train was 1.45pm not 2.45 pm. And I just panic. Not like visibly but inside I shrink to the size of a peanut. And I tell V. So there we are at the trainstaion and I have to say that Vicki is the best person to make a mistake with coz she is so calm and reasonable. She calmed me down and looked for some other options. So she decides to drive me to another trainstation (who does that nowadays, just for you?) and while we are driving I know we have only this 50 minutes to get there coz otherwise Ill miss my chance. Suddenly I get this strong voice inside of me asking me a question: "DO YOU TRUST ME?" and I just smile coz I know my Father is with me. Ok, here I have to say that I dont get very often these voices inside of me so strong so I know it must have been GOD.
Vicki pulls to the carpark just at the time train is suppose to leave, I jump out having NO idea where I am and what Im doing (Oh I never mentioned its my first time travelling alone in the Uk, huh) and I run. I run inside and there is this angel pointing a way for me. He lets me through the doors where you are suppose to show your tickets and says RUN. And I do. And I jump on a first train without having no idea if its the right one or not. And I sit there, hands trembling but heart in peace coz somehow I know Im on my way.
So nobody asks me about tickets (which is kind of strange, they should) and I dont know if my other tickets work there and we get to my next station somewhere. I step out and Im like WOW, where the heck am I? Turns out Im in the right place but have no idea whats next. I manage to find out I have 30 minutes til my next train which is just perfect coz then I can look for the platform. Oh wow, all is well I tell myself. And on a train I realize I dont even know if my traintickets which were suppose to be for another train work here and THEY DID. Just perfect.
So finally in Watford I take a taxi to Nathalie´s and she greets me at the door with the biggest and warmest smile ever. Oh how I love that girl. It was all so worth it. I love it here and I love this home. Its a real home. They are so blessed and so full of love towards their people. Mmmm.
And God is good. He was there on my every step just guiding me and showing me the way. And the good that came out of it? Me learning to trust all over again. The question is DO you trust ME? He wants me to give my fears and my failures from the past to Him. Oh wow, this has always been my biggest fear, to miss a bus or a train or to be somewhere having no idea where you really are. And there I was, messed up real bad and yet held in in His arms.
11.03.2012
Yesterday was just awesome. To spend a day with Nathalie is like a fresh wind on a nice summer day when you´re way too hot and need a breeze. We woke up late, she took Simon to the trainstation and then our day started. We talked, ate, walked. She took me to her spa and I had the best massage ever. Later hot chocolate and some little shopping. And then we came back here, cooked, watched a movie... Very easy, very simple. YET so meaningful. Friendships are suppose to be easy, not hard, not dragged. I believe we are called to love everyone but we cannot be friends with everyone. I actually believe that. You can argue with me, you can throw me with stones, but I think I cannot be friends with all types of people.
We are all so different and yet we have these certain people in our lives that we just click with. Its so easy to be with them, even if the talk is not always there, its still good. Like I said, being with them is like a breeze. A nice wind.
And there are people you can try and try and try and you love them, a lot, but you´re not close. And its ok. Coz you dont have to push it. Its something I have started to believe about marriages. I have seen 2 of my closest ones getting married in a weeks time. My sister and Nathalie and I can say that ok, they dont have it all together, but there is somethings so great about their lives, they have put God nr 1 in their lives and though Father its amazing. Marriage is amazing. Seeing Nathalie and Simon together its so beautiful. One is a bit quiet, the other talkative. And thats the beauty of it. She is so in love. He is so in love. I do believe when God is behind a relationship its beautiful. Its not striving, pushing, throwing, screaming, yelling, its not hurting constantly. Its about listening, sharing, accepting, loving. Its about Him. Its about Her. Its not about me me me.
And there is something so important getting things right with God before you step into a relationship. Getting the healing process started. 2 broken people create a broken relationship. And then it becomes a hard work. Yes, work. I have been broken all my life. I have lived with big lies and I have believed so many things about myself that are not true. The last 2 years have been incredable. Hard, yet amazing. I have cried more then ever. And I have smiled more then ever. And I have learned to love myself. My body, my shape, my heart, my smile. I am far from perfect, FAR. I have days I wake up and Im like, who the heck is this? But not so much anymore. I am learning to get to know myself. Through Father´s eyes. See there is a difference. You can try to love yourself from your own strenght or through God. He sees me beautiful. He sees me pure. And worthy. He sees me perfect. He sees me as a Princess. And He sees the same about my friend, my sister, my mother. He sees me without fault. I am His beloved bride. Yes, you may not understand what Im saying here. But look into your heart.
How many times do you look in a mirror and dont like what you see? Not only outside but also inside. You see yourself getting angry, bitter. You see scars from broken heart. You see hate and you see sadness. You see a bony body, a big body. You see a smile that is not beautiful or eyes that are tired. You see small boobs, big boobs. Or you see too little hair. You see all the faults. But try FOR a change to see the things you like. Start with small. Start with your best sides. And one day you´ll be able to say, hey, Im not that bad at all. I had to start with a mustard seed. I had to find something to like. And you know it has not been easy. I still find hard to be in public beaches where you see other bodies. That def look better then yours, am I right?
Anyway. I have gone far from the topic which was friendship. But you know me. I tend to do that. A lot. :) So there you go...
10.03.2012
Wow, Im here, in Watford. I made it. With Daddy.
So yesterday I had the most amazing thing happened to me. Which at first seemed like a crappy start turned out to be a blessing. So Vicki was suppose to pick me up from the flat around 1.30pm and she did which was good and there we are in a car, driving to Ruabon to get me to my first train and suddenly I get this horrible feeling that Ive messed up really bad. I look at my times and jep, there it was, I was suppose to go an hour earlier coz the train was 1.45pm not 2.45 pm. And I just panic. Not like visibly but inside I shrink to the size of a peanut. And I tell V. So there we are at the trainstaion and I have to say that Vicki is the best person to make a mistake with coz she is so calm and reasonable. She calmed me down and looked for some other options. So she decides to drive me to another trainstation (who does that nowadays, just for you?) and while we are driving I know we have only this 50 minutes to get there coz otherwise Ill miss my chance. Suddenly I get this strong voice inside of me asking me a question: "DO YOU TRUST ME?" and I just smile coz I know my Father is with me. Ok, here I have to say that I dont get very often these voices inside of me so strong so I know it must have been GOD.
Vicki pulls to the carpark just at the time train is suppose to leave, I jump out having NO idea where I am and what Im doing (Oh I never mentioned its my first time travelling alone in the Uk, huh) and I run. I run inside and there is this angel pointing a way for me. He lets me through the doors where you are suppose to show your tickets and says RUN. And I do. And I jump on a first train without having no idea if its the right one or not. And I sit there, hands trembling but heart in peace coz somehow I know Im on my way.
So nobody asks me about tickets (which is kind of strange, they should) and I dont know if my other tickets work there and we get to my next station somewhere. I step out and Im like WOW, where the heck am I? Turns out Im in the right place but have no idea whats next. I manage to find out I have 30 minutes til my next train which is just perfect coz then I can look for the platform. Oh wow, all is well I tell myself. And on a train I realize I dont even know if my traintickets which were suppose to be for another train work here and THEY DID. Just perfect.
So finally in Watford I take a taxi to Nathalie´s and she greets me at the door with the biggest and warmest smile ever. Oh how I love that girl. It was all so worth it. I love it here and I love this home. Its a real home. They are so blessed and so full of love towards their people. Mmmm.
And God is good. He was there on my every step just guiding me and showing me the way. And the good that came out of it? Me learning to trust all over again. The question is DO you trust ME? He wants me to give my fears and my failures from the past to Him. Oh wow, this has always been my biggest fear, to miss a bus or a train or to be somewhere having no idea where you really are. And there I was, messed up real bad and yet held in in His arms.
11.03.2012
Yesterday was just awesome. To spend a day with Nathalie is like a fresh wind on a nice summer day when you´re way too hot and need a breeze. We woke up late, she took Simon to the trainstation and then our day started. We talked, ate, walked. She took me to her spa and I had the best massage ever. Later hot chocolate and some little shopping. And then we came back here, cooked, watched a movie... Very easy, very simple. YET so meaningful. Friendships are suppose to be easy, not hard, not dragged. I believe we are called to love everyone but we cannot be friends with everyone. I actually believe that. You can argue with me, you can throw me with stones, but I think I cannot be friends with all types of people.
We are all so different and yet we have these certain people in our lives that we just click with. Its so easy to be with them, even if the talk is not always there, its still good. Like I said, being with them is like a breeze. A nice wind.
And there are people you can try and try and try and you love them, a lot, but you´re not close. And its ok. Coz you dont have to push it. Its something I have started to believe about marriages. I have seen 2 of my closest ones getting married in a weeks time. My sister and Nathalie and I can say that ok, they dont have it all together, but there is somethings so great about their lives, they have put God nr 1 in their lives and though Father its amazing. Marriage is amazing. Seeing Nathalie and Simon together its so beautiful. One is a bit quiet, the other talkative. And thats the beauty of it. She is so in love. He is so in love. I do believe when God is behind a relationship its beautiful. Its not striving, pushing, throwing, screaming, yelling, its not hurting constantly. Its about listening, sharing, accepting, loving. Its about Him. Its about Her. Its not about me me me.
And there is something so important getting things right with God before you step into a relationship. Getting the healing process started. 2 broken people create a broken relationship. And then it becomes a hard work. Yes, work. I have been broken all my life. I have lived with big lies and I have believed so many things about myself that are not true. The last 2 years have been incredable. Hard, yet amazing. I have cried more then ever. And I have smiled more then ever. And I have learned to love myself. My body, my shape, my heart, my smile. I am far from perfect, FAR. I have days I wake up and Im like, who the heck is this? But not so much anymore. I am learning to get to know myself. Through Father´s eyes. See there is a difference. You can try to love yourself from your own strenght or through God. He sees me beautiful. He sees me pure. And worthy. He sees me perfect. He sees me as a Princess. And He sees the same about my friend, my sister, my mother. He sees me without fault. I am His beloved bride. Yes, you may not understand what Im saying here. But look into your heart.
How many times do you look in a mirror and dont like what you see? Not only outside but also inside. You see yourself getting angry, bitter. You see scars from broken heart. You see hate and you see sadness. You see a bony body, a big body. You see a smile that is not beautiful or eyes that are tired. You see small boobs, big boobs. Or you see too little hair. You see all the faults. But try FOR a change to see the things you like. Start with small. Start with your best sides. And one day you´ll be able to say, hey, Im not that bad at all. I had to start with a mustard seed. I had to find something to like. And you know it has not been easy. I still find hard to be in public beaches where you see other bodies. That def look better then yours, am I right?
Anyway. I have gone far from the topic which was friendship. But you know me. I tend to do that. A lot. :) So there you go...
9.3.12
356
So basically its gonna be an exciting day. See, its my first time ever Im travelling alone with no support or no car. I mean, here, in the UK. I will manage, Im quite sure in that, but its still pretty ummn exciting. :D I have a lil bit of help in the beginning, Vicki is taking me to Ruabon trainstation and from there I have 2 trains to Watford. It reminds me a little bit of airports, so Im not too much worried... And Ill have my phone with me, so what can go wrong? :)
Anyway I think Im going back to bed now, since I have been waking up way too early for more then a week now and its starting to get on me... Oeh. Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of syndrom that when one thing goes another comes (healthwise)...
See you.
Anyway I think Im going back to bed now, since I have been waking up way too early for more then a week now and its starting to get on me... Oeh. Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of syndrom that when one thing goes another comes (healthwise)...
See you.
8.3.12
TOMORROW
Im so excited. Tomorrow Im gonna have my journey to see Nathalie, my beautiful and precious Nathalie... wow. Its gonna be 4-5hours with 2 trains to go to Watford (near London) but oh its so worth it.
EXCITED JUMPING UP AND DOWN KIRSI.
:)
EXCITED JUMPING UP AND DOWN KIRSI.
:)
6.3.12
353
Its sometimes so interesting how you know some people for years and suddenly you see something different in them. Its like hey, youve been here all the time and Ive never actually known you and if you allow me Id like to change that.Thats how I feel with some people. And its a very very good thing. You feel as you´ve gained something, I dare say that you have gained a new friend. In a deeper lever you expected...
And then with times and places. You´re here. You´re doing your thing and suddenly you want to move on. Its been growing in you for a while but then you actually see it. Its there, waiting for you. The change, the new beginning. You dont know where, but you know its time. Its time to make some plans.
Its exciting, its scary, but you want it. With every part of you, you just want it so bad that you cant stop thinking about it. And somewhere deep, there is peace. A peace that says "go for it, for I am with you coz if you never try you never know". If you never step out of that boat you will always be in that boat. Do you see what I mean? And there will always be doors that are closed for a long time and suddenly they´re open. For you to step in. And if they´re not open you can just wait a bit longer or try another door.
So Im just saying that its time. It smells different here. The spring-time. Time to make some decisions and time for actions. Time to love and not a time to hate. ;) Time to smile and dance. And a time to love, ps! this rule is for all the times. :) There is never a time one should not love. Coz the greatest of these is Love (yes three remain, faith hope love).
K
5.3.12
4.3.12
...
You know. I am sitting here and I got this crazy overwhelming feeling that I am so loved and oh that feels good. One call after another, msg-s from amazing people, knowing Im waited somewhere over the oceans, over the mountains, the seas, knowing that love conquers all. It really does.
Love your neighbour as yourself.
And you know, I do love myself. More then I loved myself a year ago. More then a few months ago. Without loving yourself you cant really love others. I am learning. I am starting to realize more with each day how precious I am to my Father, to my King and that makes me special. I am His and He is mine. So you know, next time you wanna say something bad to someone, know they´re His as well. His beloved ones. And next time try to see them as your sisters-brothers. As people like you and me. I am just thinkin that this would make it all so much easier...
Just saying. :) We are surrounded with each other. Friends, family. People who love us no matter what. And all we gotta do is give love back. Its a 2-way route. Not just one way, give me give ME, give me. It shouldnt be like that. Never. There is a quote that says that a hug is like a bumerang, it comes back to you. Same is with a relationship. If you invest in it, you will gain so much.
You know, I have been there. Selfish. With an attitude that said: You have to do the work. Not me. Naah. If you want people to call to you, people to write letters to you, TAKE THE 1st Step. Be the one that shows interest. WHY on earth do we think that hey, he or she hasnt written, I guess they dont care. Heck, why dont you write first? Why are we such mules in this so often. I am so often in my self-pity, nobody writes to me, nobody cares. I dont need that attitude. I should have an attitude of caring and loving my neighbours.
I just got a text from a friend that invited me out tomorrow, to the beach and a cafe and that she wants to pay for everything. Now that is just one way of showing your love. IT doesnt have to be big. Write a note that says I love you. Leave them some candy somewhere. Or tell them something good that is encouraging not discouraging. Oh its not so hard. Dont look at this text now and be all like, HAS she gone mad or smth.
We live in a world of BUSYBUSYBUSY. Everyone is busy and nobody has time. Make the time, take the time. Steal the time, if needed. What is more important then relationships? NOTHING. Without love we have nothing. So go one, be a builder. Be someone who initiates things, not waits for something to happen without even moving a finger. :)
And there I am, preaching again. Nope. Im just sharing my heart with you.
I just put this quote on Fb: If you live your life in fear of what COULD happen, you miss out on what SHOULD happen! So stop being afraid. Dont be afraid of WHAT IF´s. What can they do to you? Just bring you deep into fear that nobody cares, nobody. Oh but people do care. Some just dont know how coz no one hasnt shown their love for them. Start loving like Jesus loves.
Remember: little things.
Little.
It doesnt have to be a big expencive gift.
It can be you listening to someone´s broken heart.
And it can change their life.
It changed my life that there was someone ready to listen.
Someone who cared.
And I know Im not perfect and I dont want to be. I am far from perfect. But I am closer to Him who is coz I know I am loved.
Cheers.
(:
Love your neighbour as yourself.
And you know, I do love myself. More then I loved myself a year ago. More then a few months ago. Without loving yourself you cant really love others. I am learning. I am starting to realize more with each day how precious I am to my Father, to my King and that makes me special. I am His and He is mine. So you know, next time you wanna say something bad to someone, know they´re His as well. His beloved ones. And next time try to see them as your sisters-brothers. As people like you and me. I am just thinkin that this would make it all so much easier...
Just saying. :) We are surrounded with each other. Friends, family. People who love us no matter what. And all we gotta do is give love back. Its a 2-way route. Not just one way, give me give ME, give me. It shouldnt be like that. Never. There is a quote that says that a hug is like a bumerang, it comes back to you. Same is with a relationship. If you invest in it, you will gain so much.
You know, I have been there. Selfish. With an attitude that said: You have to do the work. Not me. Naah. If you want people to call to you, people to write letters to you, TAKE THE 1st Step. Be the one that shows interest. WHY on earth do we think that hey, he or she hasnt written, I guess they dont care. Heck, why dont you write first? Why are we such mules in this so often. I am so often in my self-pity, nobody writes to me, nobody cares. I dont need that attitude. I should have an attitude of caring and loving my neighbours.
I just got a text from a friend that invited me out tomorrow, to the beach and a cafe and that she wants to pay for everything. Now that is just one way of showing your love. IT doesnt have to be big. Write a note that says I love you. Leave them some candy somewhere. Or tell them something good that is encouraging not discouraging. Oh its not so hard. Dont look at this text now and be all like, HAS she gone mad or smth.
We live in a world of BUSYBUSYBUSY. Everyone is busy and nobody has time. Make the time, take the time. Steal the time, if needed. What is more important then relationships? NOTHING. Without love we have nothing. So go one, be a builder. Be someone who initiates things, not waits for something to happen without even moving a finger. :)
And there I am, preaching again. Nope. Im just sharing my heart with you.
I just put this quote on Fb: If you live your life in fear of what COULD happen, you miss out on what SHOULD happen! So stop being afraid. Dont be afraid of WHAT IF´s. What can they do to you? Just bring you deep into fear that nobody cares, nobody. Oh but people do care. Some just dont know how coz no one hasnt shown their love for them. Start loving like Jesus loves.
Remember: little things.
Little.
It doesnt have to be a big expencive gift.
It can be you listening to someone´s broken heart.
And it can change their life.
It changed my life that there was someone ready to listen.
Someone who cared.
And I know Im not perfect and I dont want to be. I am far from perfect. But I am closer to Him who is coz I know I am loved.
Cheers.
(:
3.3.12
350
350 days in Bala. Not all of them Ive been here of course, I do love to travel and I believe no one can ever remove that bug out from me. Hm Ive been on a plane so many times and I still dont like it. That non-stop sitting and somehow I manage to sit next to some pretty big people usually and that makes it impossible to get out especially when u´re stuck somewhere next to a window. Oh I still remember my mum´s story how when she came here someone started throwing up and she had to hold herself back pretty bad coz that someone sat next to her, haha... Ok, its prob wasnt funny for that person but hey, its past now. :D
Spring has brought all kinds of new feelings into my heart. I was walking around y-day on my own (note. there was no one around) with the biggest smile ever, just listened to some amazing music and teaching and smiled and laughed out loud. Now that is just me. But it was great. The weather here has been gorgeous compared to what it usually is so I just tried to enjoy it all. Take it in and not let go... You know nobody has ever promised that walk with God has to be easy, without no pain, without no worries. Yes, so often we have been taught that in our churches that come to God and EVERYTHING will be solved. But can you imagine people who have SO much to carry around with them, all of their past. And you know, God doesnt give us more than we can handle. I mean he doesnt just come and be like BAMM, Im gonna heal you know and then you deal with the past coz yeah it hurts like hell. No He can take one part of you and heal it and then another part and heal it. Sometimes its too much for us if we would have to deal with everything at the same time. I mean seriously, Im only 24 (soon 25, yes) and I have such a past. Imagine people who are 50, 60, 70. Its not that God doesnt want to and sometimes He does heal everything at once but remember, NOT more than we can handle or carry. Now how in the world I ended up here? HOW? :D Always preaching, haha...
I just remember how in Saaremaa I shared my short testimony (which I should have written down, haha). I am not very good at talking. I can write, yes, all good. But standing in front of 60-70 young people and telling them that they´re beautiful. Hm, who am I that they would listen? But the thing is that Father has given me a testimony, a story of my own. I have something to share. I have a STORY. And a voice (and not talking about my singing here). Once someone told me that after I stop singing I should not run away from the stage coz GOD has a word to say through me and I should start opening my mouth. And heck if thats the thing then I want to obey even if it takes so much from me. But I def should make some notes next time so I wouldnt be all over the place, oh yeah, I was I dont even know where.... ALL I could think of while standing there, was that ALL these people are so incredable I wish they would grasp it and take it in and believe it and actually let GOD tell them that... Not my words, but Fathers.
You know HE is your Lord your God and He so wants to welcome you home. WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN.
Ok I´ll stop now. Yes I´ll stop. You know me a bit prob already, when I start there is no end.
Love you.
Byebye, off to work now.
:)
Spring has brought all kinds of new feelings into my heart. I was walking around y-day on my own (note. there was no one around) with the biggest smile ever, just listened to some amazing music and teaching and smiled and laughed out loud. Now that is just me. But it was great. The weather here has been gorgeous compared to what it usually is so I just tried to enjoy it all. Take it in and not let go... You know nobody has ever promised that walk with God has to be easy, without no pain, without no worries. Yes, so often we have been taught that in our churches that come to God and EVERYTHING will be solved. But can you imagine people who have SO much to carry around with them, all of their past. And you know, God doesnt give us more than we can handle. I mean he doesnt just come and be like BAMM, Im gonna heal you know and then you deal with the past coz yeah it hurts like hell. No He can take one part of you and heal it and then another part and heal it. Sometimes its too much for us if we would have to deal with everything at the same time. I mean seriously, Im only 24 (soon 25, yes) and I have such a past. Imagine people who are 50, 60, 70. Its not that God doesnt want to and sometimes He does heal everything at once but remember, NOT more than we can handle or carry. Now how in the world I ended up here? HOW? :D Always preaching, haha...
I just remember how in Saaremaa I shared my short testimony (which I should have written down, haha). I am not very good at talking. I can write, yes, all good. But standing in front of 60-70 young people and telling them that they´re beautiful. Hm, who am I that they would listen? But the thing is that Father has given me a testimony, a story of my own. I have something to share. I have a STORY. And a voice (and not talking about my singing here). Once someone told me that after I stop singing I should not run away from the stage coz GOD has a word to say through me and I should start opening my mouth. And heck if thats the thing then I want to obey even if it takes so much from me. But I def should make some notes next time so I wouldnt be all over the place, oh yeah, I was I dont even know where.... ALL I could think of while standing there, was that ALL these people are so incredable I wish they would grasp it and take it in and believe it and actually let GOD tell them that... Not my words, but Fathers.
You know HE is your Lord your God and He so wants to welcome you home. WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN.
Ok I´ll stop now. Yes I´ll stop. You know me a bit prob already, when I start there is no end.
Love you.
Byebye, off to work now.
:)
2.3.12
349
Ok as you see, the number up there gets closer and closer to me being here a year. I have to do something crazy. Actually I already am doing something crazy in a week from today. Im travelling far to see my beautiful Nathalie for 3 days. Its gonna be so great to see her again in her new married life. I believe marriage makes people beautiful. They shine. If its the right one they shine like christmastrees. And no, I know there will be problems, but things will be solved and talked through as one, as a team. So N, Im coming!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
So happy. Well, the traintickets in the UK are so blimin´ expencive but heck, Im going to Watford. It will be so great, amazing, wonderful, fun.
So today. The Day Off II. Yesterday was great. :) Smiled a lot, walked a lot, organized my music sheets, played guitar, felt sick, read a book, ate a wonderful sandwich, talked to a friend a lot, thought about God, made a picture (jup, as Im good at ripping, glueing (ok, how do you spell that word????), writing), took tons of pictures of little sheep and beautiful things outside, bought some sweet stuff from the charity shop and in general was in a good mood. I think its about deciding. It really is, you could let the mood down by sicknesses or bad temper or circumstances, but hei, you can always decide, I wont let this stuff get me. :)
Im gonna go now. Maybe have a shower and try on some dresses coz soon its summer here. It really is! It was + 13 or something like that yesterday, so summer is not far... :D
Oh and pictures pictures pictures are one post down. :)
So happy. Well, the traintickets in the UK are so blimin´ expencive but heck, Im going to Watford. It will be so great, amazing, wonderful, fun.
So today. The Day Off II. Yesterday was great. :) Smiled a lot, walked a lot, organized my music sheets, played guitar, felt sick, read a book, ate a wonderful sandwich, talked to a friend a lot, thought about God, made a picture (jup, as Im good at ripping, glueing (ok, how do you spell that word????), writing), took tons of pictures of little sheep and beautiful things outside, bought some sweet stuff from the charity shop and in general was in a good mood. I think its about deciding. It really is, you could let the mood down by sicknesses or bad temper or circumstances, but hei, you can always decide, I wont let this stuff get me. :)
Im gonna go now. Maybe have a shower and try on some dresses coz soon its summer here. It really is! It was + 13 or something like that yesterday, so summer is not far... :D
Oh and pictures pictures pictures are one post down. :)
1.3.12
♥
I know its a little thing.But you know, Father cares about little things as well.
So, when mum was here, we were all over the place, trying so hard to find me a good new colourful coat and it just didnt happen.
Today I walked into our charity-shop and there it was. A new spring-coat. COLOURFUL. :) Just for me, my size, my prize. Perfect.
♥
Im in love
I really am in love with God. With His work around me. How He gently comes and pushes through the deepest parts of my heart. He just longs for me and He wants to heal me. He shows me these incredable pictures outside every day. I walk, I see a bird. Or a flower. And suddenly I know Im loved. How weird. Such little things.
Its funny how my health keeps getting worse and worse (not funny, ok), and in a same time Father keeps coming closer and closer. I know there is a reason in all of this. There is something going on, something bigger, something I dont understand and grasp yet, but He is in my heart. Nope, nothing and no one can remove Him from there. I absolutely love Him. I love that He loves me. Yes. :)
Its funny how my health keeps getting worse and worse (not funny, ok), and in a same time Father keeps coming closer and closer. I know there is a reason in all of this. There is something going on, something bigger, something I dont understand and grasp yet, but He is in my heart. Nope, nothing and no one can remove Him from there. I absolutely love Him. I love that He loves me. Yes. :)
29.2.12
29.Veebruar
Nii. Et ma Eesti keelt ära ei unustaks, teeme vahepeal midagi teistsugust.
Blogi tuleb minu oma emakeeles. :)
Täna on mönus kuupäev, ainuke, kus naised võivad mehele abieluettepaneku teha. Tähendab, mul ei ole absoluutselt plaanis kellegagi abielluma hakata, ja kui aus olla, siis ei ole niipidi üldse hea. See on ikkagi meeste küsimus ja naiste vastus. Aga päris kihvt traditsioon, võibolla mõnele sobib niipidi ja siis täna on erakordne võimalus...
Ps! Ma olen ikka veel hullult Saaremaa lainel. Räägin Saaremaast, mõtlen Saaremaast, kirjutan ka. Ma ei tea, võiks nüüd midagi teist juhtuda, ma kujutan ette, et mu siinne pere on nii väsinud juba must. :D Võibolla ei ole ka, aga ma küll oleks.
Mmh, olen veidi mõelnud. (NAGU ma seda tavaliselt ei teeks, eksole?). Tuleviku peale, mu unistuste peale. Et kuhu edasi, mis edasi, mida edasi. Õppima, kooli? Tööle? Vabatahtlikuks? Välismaa? Eesti... Nii, et kui sa oled mu eest palvetanud ja Jumalalt midagi kuulnud, võid mulle ka teada anda. ;)
Mul on tegelikult väga suured igatsused hakanud südames üles tõusma ja ma usun. Ma usun ja loodan ja tean, et see kõik on mu Isa kätes. Ma tean, et Ta teab täpselt, mis minu jaoks HEA on, sest kõik, mida ma tahame, ei too meile kasu. Ja ma usun ka seda, et vahel peab lihtsalt paadist välja hüppama ja astuma. See teebki selle vbl veidi keeruliseks, et ma ei tea, kumba teha. Kas oodata või astuda... :) Vahel on selline seis.
Ma sain eile maailma kõige ilusama kirja. Eestist, sõbralt. Mul jättis süda ka löögi vahele. Nii head ja armsad sõnad. Ja igatsus ja armastus, mis sealt õhkus. Me kõik vajame selliseid sõpru, kes aegajalt meid jälle üles tõstaksid ja julgustaksid. Tundub, et Jumal on minu kõrvale pannud just sellised inimesed, kes mind kogu südamest armastavad. MA ei ole üksi.
Ja tead, sa ei ole ka üksi! Kui arvad, et oled, kirjuta mulle. Ma tean rohtu selle vastu! ;)
Ja siin mõllab Kevad. Pisikesed lambatalled hakkavad aasadele tekkima, kõik kohad on avanevaid lilli täis ja rohi lõhnab jälle värskelt. Linnud laulavad nii, et vahel peab kõrvad kinni panema ja kui hästi tahad, näed sellised jäneseid igal pool, kes teisi jäneseid taga ajavad. (hahaaa). Oi, see on ilus aastaaeg. Nii ilus. Varsti saan oma kleidid kapist välja võtta ja siis tagasi kappi panna, sest siin pole kuskile nendega minna. :D
Olgu. Eesti keelne postitus hakkab kohe lõppema, sest mulle tundub, et mul voolab seda teksti inglise keeles palju paremini. :)
Kallistan.
Ja igatsen.
:) Kirsi
Blogi tuleb minu oma emakeeles. :)
Täna on mönus kuupäev, ainuke, kus naised võivad mehele abieluettepaneku teha. Tähendab, mul ei ole absoluutselt plaanis kellegagi abielluma hakata, ja kui aus olla, siis ei ole niipidi üldse hea. See on ikkagi meeste küsimus ja naiste vastus. Aga päris kihvt traditsioon, võibolla mõnele sobib niipidi ja siis täna on erakordne võimalus...
Ps! Ma olen ikka veel hullult Saaremaa lainel. Räägin Saaremaast, mõtlen Saaremaast, kirjutan ka. Ma ei tea, võiks nüüd midagi teist juhtuda, ma kujutan ette, et mu siinne pere on nii väsinud juba must. :D Võibolla ei ole ka, aga ma küll oleks.
Mmh, olen veidi mõelnud. (NAGU ma seda tavaliselt ei teeks, eksole?). Tuleviku peale, mu unistuste peale. Et kuhu edasi, mis edasi, mida edasi. Õppima, kooli? Tööle? Vabatahtlikuks? Välismaa? Eesti... Nii, et kui sa oled mu eest palvetanud ja Jumalalt midagi kuulnud, võid mulle ka teada anda. ;)
Mul on tegelikult väga suured igatsused hakanud südames üles tõusma ja ma usun. Ma usun ja loodan ja tean, et see kõik on mu Isa kätes. Ma tean, et Ta teab täpselt, mis minu jaoks HEA on, sest kõik, mida ma tahame, ei too meile kasu. Ja ma usun ka seda, et vahel peab lihtsalt paadist välja hüppama ja astuma. See teebki selle vbl veidi keeruliseks, et ma ei tea, kumba teha. Kas oodata või astuda... :) Vahel on selline seis.
Ma sain eile maailma kõige ilusama kirja. Eestist, sõbralt. Mul jättis süda ka löögi vahele. Nii head ja armsad sõnad. Ja igatsus ja armastus, mis sealt õhkus. Me kõik vajame selliseid sõpru, kes aegajalt meid jälle üles tõstaksid ja julgustaksid. Tundub, et Jumal on minu kõrvale pannud just sellised inimesed, kes mind kogu südamest armastavad. MA ei ole üksi.
Ja tead, sa ei ole ka üksi! Kui arvad, et oled, kirjuta mulle. Ma tean rohtu selle vastu! ;)
Ja siin mõllab Kevad. Pisikesed lambatalled hakkavad aasadele tekkima, kõik kohad on avanevaid lilli täis ja rohi lõhnab jälle värskelt. Linnud laulavad nii, et vahel peab kõrvad kinni panema ja kui hästi tahad, näed sellised jäneseid igal pool, kes teisi jäneseid taga ajavad. (hahaaa). Oi, see on ilus aastaaeg. Nii ilus. Varsti saan oma kleidid kapist välja võtta ja siis tagasi kappi panna, sest siin pole kuskile nendega minna. :D
Olgu. Eesti keelne postitus hakkab kohe lõppema, sest mulle tundub, et mul voolab seda teksti inglise keeles palju paremini. :)
Kallistan.
Ja igatsen.
:) Kirsi
27.2.12
How faithful.
I was so sad yesterday. It was hard to come back after this amazing weekend. And it was a bit of a crazy adventure. I travelled by car, bus, ship, taxi and plane. I was just drop-dead-tired and for the first after a trip like this I just fell to my bed and slept 2,5 hours. By the time I woke up it was dinner time and one of our volunteers was cooking for everybody last night. So I was taken to the B&B and something so beautiful took place.
We had communion for the first time here. I just cried and cried and felt so thankful. SO loved. I felt like the family I have is so big. Its all over the world. Its not just 1 family here and then a 2nd family somewhere else, but its THE family. Only ONE! Not many. And its a blessing. A beautiful blessing.
So He is faithful. Yes. I was tired and yet He came and showed me something I wouldnt have wanted to miss for the world...
:)
I was so sad yesterday. It was hard to come back after this amazing weekend. And it was a bit of a crazy adventure. I travelled by car, bus, ship, taxi and plane. I was just drop-dead-tired and for the first after a trip like this I just fell to my bed and slept 2,5 hours. By the time I woke up it was dinner time and one of our volunteers was cooking for everybody last night. So I was taken to the B&B and something so beautiful took place.
We had communion for the first time here. I just cried and cried and felt so thankful. SO loved. I felt like the family I have is so big. Its all over the world. Its not just 1 family here and then a 2nd family somewhere else, but its THE family. Only ONE! Not many. And its a blessing. A beautiful blessing.
So He is faithful. Yes. I was tired and yet He came and showed me something I wouldnt have wanted to miss for the world...
:)
26.2.12
Saaremaa
And Im going again.
Sometimes I feel like my life is spent by packing and unpacking my suitcases... And to be honest, well, Im starting to think that its not a bad thing at all.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THE CAMP IN SAAREMAA.
It was the best thing that happened to me in the longest time.
A big blessing.
I was so blessed, so loved during these 3 days. Father, He already lives inside of me so I dont need to look for Him from FAR-away-land. He is already with me in the deepest places and He is knows what His kids need. Sometimes its the youth of this land, the people who are willing to serve Him and love Him and carry HIS LOVE around. And I was loved, oh so loved. And to share my story with them was an honor.
I was able to be a part of an amazing worship-team last night and able to be a part of these people´s lives. I was involved in something bigger then an eye can see! My heart is filled up and its the hardest thing to leave.
Its the right thing, but the hardest.
I know He´s got a plan for me. Bigger then I think. A plan full of hope and good things. A future just for ME!
So in an hour Ill be leaving this island to go back to Wales. I have no why God has sometimes put the things in our lives the way He has, but heck, He has to know. He is God, The Dad! (:
Ok. Ill be back. I know I will be back.
Love.
Kirsi
(ps! You can sometimes comment my posts as well so I know Im not left alone here with my thoughts...)
Sometimes I feel like my life is spent by packing and unpacking my suitcases... And to be honest, well, Im starting to think that its not a bad thing at all.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THE CAMP IN SAAREMAA.
It was the best thing that happened to me in the longest time.
A big blessing.
I was so blessed, so loved during these 3 days. Father, He already lives inside of me so I dont need to look for Him from FAR-away-land. He is already with me in the deepest places and He is knows what His kids need. Sometimes its the youth of this land, the people who are willing to serve Him and love Him and carry HIS LOVE around. And I was loved, oh so loved. And to share my story with them was an honor.
I was able to be a part of an amazing worship-team last night and able to be a part of these people´s lives. I was involved in something bigger then an eye can see! My heart is filled up and its the hardest thing to leave.
Its the right thing, but the hardest.
I know He´s got a plan for me. Bigger then I think. A plan full of hope and good things. A future just for ME!
So in an hour Ill be leaving this island to go back to Wales. I have no why God has sometimes put the things in our lives the way He has, but heck, He has to know. He is God, The Dad! (:
Ok. Ill be back. I know I will be back.
Love.
Kirsi
(ps! You can sometimes comment my posts as well so I know Im not left alone here with my thoughts...)
24.2.12
So as you might know or not know, IM IN ESTONIA FOR 3 DAYS!!!!
Why am I here?
How did I come?
When my mum was in UK, Wales for 2 weeks, she shared about her and dad coming to Saaremaa to a youthcamp in the end of February. That they are gonna share there and talk about God´s love and their own life and its gonna be an amazing camp etc. The next moment I remember was how R+V took me to another room and asked if I wanna go with my parents. I just started crying coz I couldnt even dream about Estonia for another few months and yet here I am. They paid for my tickets and just let me go for 3 days. Started my journey yesterday at 5am from Wales and made it to Saaremaa about 12 hours later... (:
So a few days ago I started thinking that 24.02 is Estonian Independance Day and IM GONNA BE THERE. How great is that? Its like 3 in one - get to see my family, get to see my friends, get to be in an incredable camp and Independance Day (ok, that was more like 4). WONDERFUL.
I am already enjoying myself. Tommorrow night Im gonna share a little testimony and on Sunday morning back to Wales...
SURPRISE!!!!!! ;)
Why am I here?
How did I come?
When my mum was in UK, Wales for 2 weeks, she shared about her and dad coming to Saaremaa to a youthcamp in the end of February. That they are gonna share there and talk about God´s love and their own life and its gonna be an amazing camp etc. The next moment I remember was how R+V took me to another room and asked if I wanna go with my parents. I just started crying coz I couldnt even dream about Estonia for another few months and yet here I am. They paid for my tickets and just let me go for 3 days. Started my journey yesterday at 5am from Wales and made it to Saaremaa about 12 hours later... (:
So a few days ago I started thinking that 24.02 is Estonian Independance Day and IM GONNA BE THERE. How great is that? Its like 3 in one - get to see my family, get to see my friends, get to be in an incredable camp and Independance Day (ok, that was more like 4). WONDERFUL.
I am already enjoying myself. Tommorrow night Im gonna share a little testimony and on Sunday morning back to Wales...
SURPRISE!!!!!! ;)
22.2.12
HER
"The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched. They must be felt with the heart." Seeing your sister getting married to the man of her dreams is one of them. Its been 4 months since I witnessed this beautiful day. And I wish I could play the repeat button over and over again back to October...
The surprise
Love surprises?
I love them.
Big surprises. Small surprises.
All of them.
Except the bad ones.
I love them.
Big surprises. Small surprises.
All of them.
Except the bad ones.
21.2.12
My head...
...is full of thousands of little and big thoughts. Some of them are so good, some of them are horrible, some bad, some happy, some sad. I bet you have the same problem. Am I right?
We all think. Mostly only all day long. Ironic eh? It seems Im alone in this and whenever I talk to someone I realize we are all in the same boat. Some less, some more.
So what are my sad thoughts? My sad thoughts are my health, my friends who are having hard times, my family struggling, my future. And happy thoughts? My happy thoughts are my friends, my family, my future.
Strange huh how the same things can cause us distress and joy in a same time. And the thing is that actually non of these things is in my hands. NON. And yet every day, constantly, I try to fix things. I try to worry about things. And I shouldnt. My Father knows me better then anyone else. Better then my mum and dad. Better then my best friends. Better then Johnny or Mr. Darcy (joke).
But hey, Im just an ordinary me. And yet so unique. With my own thoughts and actually, the more I learn to trust HIM the more I get to be me.
So. Here I am. Its storming outside. Im really cozy sitting on a warm room and thinking. About my life. About who I am and what is gonna happen.
And then I stop. Coz I realize I need to live in the moment. Sometimes its really important to just live in the moment. Just right now. to cherish what Ive got. And Ive got A LOT.
More then most people have.
And yet there is a little bit in my that is dreaming so big. So big that it seems impossible that these things will ever come true. But like my friend said that its good, coz then I cant try to make it come true myself, but let God do it. I mean otherwise I might do it from my own strength. Ok maybe you didnt get it. See, if we dream way too big, then God has a chance to step in and make our dreams come true. If our dreams are tiny we can just easily make them happen ourselves. ;)
And yes. I am afraid. I am afraid, WHAT IF... What if non of it will happen. What if I end up being single. What if I end up not singing, not making anything with what God has given me... What if, what if, what if. You know, what if´s should be crossed through with RED colour coz they just SUCK.
Live your dream and wear your passion.
Live your dream. I dont believe it only means that we only have to live and do the BIG things, but also means we need to dream big in order to have any answers. :)
Im going to sleep now. May Father watch over me and you. And may He read the dreams we have in our heart and heck, I know HE KNOWS ME!
;)
We all think. Mostly only all day long. Ironic eh? It seems Im alone in this and whenever I talk to someone I realize we are all in the same boat. Some less, some more.
So what are my sad thoughts? My sad thoughts are my health, my friends who are having hard times, my family struggling, my future. And happy thoughts? My happy thoughts are my friends, my family, my future.
Strange huh how the same things can cause us distress and joy in a same time. And the thing is that actually non of these things is in my hands. NON. And yet every day, constantly, I try to fix things. I try to worry about things. And I shouldnt. My Father knows me better then anyone else. Better then my mum and dad. Better then my best friends. Better then Johnny or Mr. Darcy (joke).
But hey, Im just an ordinary me. And yet so unique. With my own thoughts and actually, the more I learn to trust HIM the more I get to be me.
So. Here I am. Its storming outside. Im really cozy sitting on a warm room and thinking. About my life. About who I am and what is gonna happen.
And then I stop. Coz I realize I need to live in the moment. Sometimes its really important to just live in the moment. Just right now. to cherish what Ive got. And Ive got A LOT.
More then most people have.
And yet there is a little bit in my that is dreaming so big. So big that it seems impossible that these things will ever come true. But like my friend said that its good, coz then I cant try to make it come true myself, but let God do it. I mean otherwise I might do it from my own strength. Ok maybe you didnt get it. See, if we dream way too big, then God has a chance to step in and make our dreams come true. If our dreams are tiny we can just easily make them happen ourselves. ;)
And yes. I am afraid. I am afraid, WHAT IF... What if non of it will happen. What if I end up being single. What if I end up not singing, not making anything with what God has given me... What if, what if, what if. You know, what if´s should be crossed through with RED colour coz they just SUCK.
Live your dream and wear your passion.
Live your dream. I dont believe it only means that we only have to live and do the BIG things, but also means we need to dream big in order to have any answers. :)
Im going to sleep now. May Father watch over me and you. And may He read the dreams we have in our heart and heck, I know HE KNOWS ME!
;)
19.2.12
18.2.12
Day 336
As it is it is. We had a great day out yesterday despite my horrible headache (which reminds me to go to the doctor again, whuuu, I mean its not going so great, rather worse then ever before). We went to see the Conwy Castle and later me and my mum did some shopping (which was pretty successful)... :) And so today is her last day here, she´ll be coming over soon and tomorrow Ill send her away. 2 weeks went by so fast, wow. But she is ready to go to dad and Ester now. Hahaha, dad actually said yesterday that he understood mum misses her by the amount of msg-s he has started to recieve on his phone, hehe. ;)17.2.12
"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable." ~ Dr. Joyce Brothers
Its so true. I have been manipulative. I actually believed that I have NEVER manipulated with people. But I have. Oh I so have and I probably will fail many times in future. Every day. But heck. I want to love and to be loved. And I want to step into a relationship one day with hope. With love. Without manipulation. And I want Father to help me this time. Never again I want to "try" to make anything work.
Manipulation is not the key. It never was and never will be.
Just so you know.
Its so true. I have been manipulative. I actually believed that I have NEVER manipulated with people. But I have. Oh I so have and I probably will fail many times in future. Every day. But heck. I want to love and to be loved. And I want to step into a relationship one day with hope. With love. Without manipulation. And I want Father to help me this time. Never again I want to "try" to make anything work.
Manipulation is not the key. It never was and never will be.
Just so you know.
16.2.12
3 idiots
Movie suggestion:
"3 idiots"
I have seen it 3 times now and I just LOVE IT. Order it online and just enjoy it. I know its a Bollywood type of movie, but its just wonderful. Its about friendship, unconditional love, hope, dreams, real life. I really didnt know what to think about it when Rui-Chi brought back with her and said its a 3-hour movie, but I still agreed to watch it with others. There is some sort of Father-heart message in it and it just captivated me with its plot. It does have a few hard scenes in it, but real life is never all butterflies and flowers.
So enjoy! (+I almost never suggest any movies, but this one is heck of a worth it).
About some other stuff. Well, my mum is here for 3 more days and we get to have a day out tomorrow, whohoooop. :) Castle, beach, shopping. Sounds fun eh? :) Well, its gonna be a good day out I hope and then on Sunday she goes back to Estonia and like she said she will get 2 springs this year, 1 in here and one back at home whenever that happens... ;)
The road has been a bit up and down for me, but with Father and you know, with Him I am safe and I am on my way...
K
"3 idiots"
I have seen it 3 times now and I just LOVE IT. Order it online and just enjoy it. I know its a Bollywood type of movie, but its just wonderful. Its about friendship, unconditional love, hope, dreams, real life. I really didnt know what to think about it when Rui-Chi brought back with her and said its a 3-hour movie, but I still agreed to watch it with others. There is some sort of Father-heart message in it and it just captivated me with its plot. It does have a few hard scenes in it, but real life is never all butterflies and flowers.
So enjoy! (+I almost never suggest any movies, but this one is heck of a worth it).
About some other stuff. Well, my mum is here for 3 more days and we get to have a day out tomorrow, whohoooop. :) Castle, beach, shopping. Sounds fun eh? :) Well, its gonna be a good day out I hope and then on Sunday she goes back to Estonia and like she said she will get 2 springs this year, 1 in here and one back at home whenever that happens... ;)
The road has been a bit up and down for me, but with Father and you know, with Him I am safe and I am on my way...
K
15.2.12
Sometimes a friend walking in a room and saying that the moment she/he saw you, you were shining and so very beautiful, makes up for a bad week.
Or a friend saying that even if you dont play games online, you´re still very awesome and rather pretty.
Or God telling that YOU have a future and He will open doors for you that were never opened and its gonna happen THIS year, not next, but this.
And then God starts yesterday. He opened a door for me that would have never been possible to go through.
Recieve.
Give.
Love.
Make compliments.
Be yourself.
Believe.
Hope.
Pray.
Seek.
And not because I tell you.
But because thats how you will know yourself.
And others.
Or a friend saying that even if you dont play games online, you´re still very awesome and rather pretty.
Or God telling that YOU have a future and He will open doors for you that were never opened and its gonna happen THIS year, not next, but this.
And then God starts yesterday. He opened a door for me that would have never been possible to go through.
Recieve.
Give.
Love.
Make compliments.
Be yourself.
Believe.
Hope.
Pray.
Seek.
And not because I tell you.
But because thats how you will know yourself.
And others.
11.2.12
Heitsau
Istun köögilaua taga ja teiselpool mind istub emme.
Emme tükeldab kartuleid.
Käisime just poes.
Ja teeme nüüd kartulisalatit.
Sest kartulid keetsin mina juba hommikul ja nüüd on nad jahtunud.
Jess.
Kartulisalat.
:)
Emme tükeldab kartuleid.
Käisime just poes.
Ja teeme nüüd kartulisalatit.
Sest kartulid keetsin mina juba hommikul ja nüüd on nad jahtunud.
Jess.
Kartulisalat.
:)
10.2.12
9.2.12
7.2.12
325
Isitreallyday325?
:) Its very early in the morning, like 6.21am and Im just starting my day. Slowly, you know how a snail crosses a street; well, my morning usually is similar. Everything is done in slow-mode, thats why I have to wake up at least 1,5hoours before leaving the house. Thats me. Take it or leave it. SO, another day with Father? Eh!
Wow, there was something Ive been wanting to write here for ages and everytime I start its like gone from my memory. Maybe its not a time for that yet.
I just share what Robert shared in school y-day. Because its SO vital that you know this. There is this scripture in Bible: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Eph 6:12) and suddenly it all came so clear to me when R shared.
You know there are rules written in your heart since you were very tiny tiny tiny girl or boy. So we are NOT fighting against people of this world, we think we are and in a same time we are loosing the bigger war. Because we should actually be fighting against these rules, these lies in our heart. We should let Father take away these lies and replace them with truth. Coz satan fires little lies against us ALL the time and he uses these "what if´s" and "you´re not good enough" and we believe it all coz its actually a rule in our heart. You know when you became a Christian, the OLD you died. LIKE died! Literally. But it wants to come back all the time coz what we dont realize is that we have all these things WRITTEN all over already and if they´re not replace we keep on fighting the battle and loosing the war. Ok, and when I said we should be fighting, the actual truth is that WE cant replace them. Only Father God can. He can take away these things if we LET him come and deal with stuff.
And sometimes it hurts so much that we wanna hide and not deal with them. We dont want to "go there" coz its past. But heck, PAST follows us like no other.
If I wouldnt let God deal with the eating disorder I had Id still be believeing lies like: "You´re too FAT", "Stop eating, you´re only putting on more weight" etc etc etc. And the thing is they do try to come back, but I let Father fight for me, to heal me and help me not to believe these things.
And no one but God can heal you from inner hurts, from you past troubles. Coz yes, God USES people, but it is STILL HE who workes through them. See my point?
This world belongs to devil, BUT we belong to GOD. So why not let HIM come and rule in our lives? He wants the best for us, He really does. And you know what it means that the Kingdom of God is here... It means it is in OUR HEARTS. Father, Holy Spirit, Jesus- they are IN us and not outside somewhere. We dont have to look them from outside but from inside. They are close...
Oh all these little revelations lately are so important I could keep on going. Sry I just wanted to share that. Do you know that you the way you are, are AMAZING! Did you know that? No? Well, you are. And Father loves you. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you and He loves you.
K :)
:) Its very early in the morning, like 6.21am and Im just starting my day. Slowly, you know how a snail crosses a street; well, my morning usually is similar. Everything is done in slow-mode, thats why I have to wake up at least 1,5hoours before leaving the house. Thats me. Take it or leave it. SO, another day with Father? Eh!
Wow, there was something Ive been wanting to write here for ages and everytime I start its like gone from my memory. Maybe its not a time for that yet.
I just share what Robert shared in school y-day. Because its SO vital that you know this. There is this scripture in Bible: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Eph 6:12) and suddenly it all came so clear to me when R shared.
You know there are rules written in your heart since you were very tiny tiny tiny girl or boy. So we are NOT fighting against people of this world, we think we are and in a same time we are loosing the bigger war. Because we should actually be fighting against these rules, these lies in our heart. We should let Father take away these lies and replace them with truth. Coz satan fires little lies against us ALL the time and he uses these "what if´s" and "you´re not good enough" and we believe it all coz its actually a rule in our heart. You know when you became a Christian, the OLD you died. LIKE died! Literally. But it wants to come back all the time coz what we dont realize is that we have all these things WRITTEN all over already and if they´re not replace we keep on fighting the battle and loosing the war. Ok, and when I said we should be fighting, the actual truth is that WE cant replace them. Only Father God can. He can take away these things if we LET him come and deal with stuff.
And sometimes it hurts so much that we wanna hide and not deal with them. We dont want to "go there" coz its past. But heck, PAST follows us like no other.
If I wouldnt let God deal with the eating disorder I had Id still be believeing lies like: "You´re too FAT", "Stop eating, you´re only putting on more weight" etc etc etc. And the thing is they do try to come back, but I let Father fight for me, to heal me and help me not to believe these things.
And no one but God can heal you from inner hurts, from you past troubles. Coz yes, God USES people, but it is STILL HE who workes through them. See my point?
This world belongs to devil, BUT we belong to GOD. So why not let HIM come and rule in our lives? He wants the best for us, He really does. And you know what it means that the Kingdom of God is here... It means it is in OUR HEARTS. Father, Holy Spirit, Jesus- they are IN us and not outside somewhere. We dont have to look them from outside but from inside. They are close...
Oh all these little revelations lately are so important I could keep on going. Sry I just wanted to share that. Do you know that you the way you are, are AMAZING! Did you know that? No? Well, you are. And Father loves you. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you and He loves you.
K :)
6.2.12
Mum
So as you know mum came yesterday.
And it feels so good to have her here.
Kind of safe.
And it feels wonderful to go to work today knowing she is there and she is waiting for me.
And to know that Ester is ok with that. :) She told mum just before her departure that its ok that you go, coz you will be back to me, but Kirsi needs you as well.
So there we go. :)
And it feels so good to have her here.
Kind of safe.
And it feels wonderful to go to work today knowing she is there and she is waiting for me.
And to know that Ester is ok with that. :) She told mum just before her departure that its ok that you go, coz you will be back to me, but Kirsi needs you as well.
So there we go. :)
4.2.12
Me, shy???
"Its all ab communication. Ive complained that I dunno a lot of ppl in Bala, well, girl, JUST start talking to people coz they DO talk back! :D Had a really good random chat with a local today and was encouraged. ;) +all you gotta do is say your name means CHERRY and ure from Estonia and all of a sudden they´re interested..."
I just realized something. I think Im afraid of people. Dont laugh. Im being serious. Yep, me. Im afraid of new people. Not the ones that I know already. Im talking about people I dont know. Like talking to strangers for example. Its starting to change, but VERY slowly. I have had quite a few chats over the last weeks with random people, but it takes a whole piece out from me to do that. Its like crazy, how can I do that, go and just talk to them. And yet they are interested in me. ME, Kirsi. They are interested about my country, about what Im doing here, what I wanna do next. And Im afrad that I have nothing to offer. Afraid that I dont have anything cool to say about myself, that Im boring. Like seriously? I have a fear.
And yet. I have so much to offer. I am loved by my heavenly Father. And I am not boring. I know Im not. Heck. Im so interesting, haha... :D I can sing, paint, draw (maybe), bake, cook, clean, smile, write, sometimes I can be very funny (jup, I hope so at least...). So Im gonna try and test this "new" revelation. Like talking to strangers. :D
I just realized something. I think Im afraid of people. Dont laugh. Im being serious. Yep, me. Im afraid of new people. Not the ones that I know already. Im talking about people I dont know. Like talking to strangers for example. Its starting to change, but VERY slowly. I have had quite a few chats over the last weeks with random people, but it takes a whole piece out from me to do that. Its like crazy, how can I do that, go and just talk to them. And yet they are interested in me. ME, Kirsi. They are interested about my country, about what Im doing here, what I wanna do next. And Im afrad that I have nothing to offer. Afraid that I dont have anything cool to say about myself, that Im boring. Like seriously? I have a fear.
And yet. I have so much to offer. I am loved by my heavenly Father. And I am not boring. I know Im not. Heck. Im so interesting, haha... :D I can sing, paint, draw (maybe), bake, cook, clean, smile, write, sometimes I can be very funny (jup, I hope so at least...). So Im gonna try and test this "new" revelation. Like talking to strangers. :D
Sitting by the big window where I can see our amazing lake with a splash of pink sky today, with a cup of black tea+milk in my hands, I feel good. This morning has been slow but so peaceful, so quiet. Im about to start working in 5 minutes so Im trying to savor that moment, to memorize it the way it is. Beautiful, slow, peaceful, lovely.
Mum comes tomorrow. Another beautiful moment to look forward to. I feel blessed.
Even when things get hard, rough sometimes, I am blessed. Beyond words. With friends, family, scenery, God, music, food, work, warm bed...
Mum comes tomorrow. Another beautiful moment to look forward to. I feel blessed.
Even when things get hard, rough sometimes, I am blessed. Beyond words. With friends, family, scenery, God, music, food, work, warm bed...
3.2.12
2.2.12
320
Tonight Im staying in our B&B. It feels kind of strange to stay here for the night but we really have no other choice... ;) The carpets at our new flat were waxed today and we cant walk on them for 2 days or something so we, girls, are staying here. I dont mind. I have a beautiful room with a big big bed and my own bathroom which reminds me I get to have a bath tonight, OH am I smiling now or not? You bet I am... :) :) Big grin!
Mum is coming in 3 days and as it turned out my aunt as well, so its like 2 in 1!
Hugshugshugshugs
Mum is coming in 3 days and as it turned out my aunt as well, so its like 2 in 1!
Hugshugshugshugs
1.2.12
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