Heya

Wow what a day its been. Actually what 2 days. I havent enjoyed my days off so much as this weekend ever before I think... The weather has been just amazing. Ive had a few walks, talks, skype-chats, worship, crafting, cleaning, good food... Uh, the number of things, well, the list, it could just go on and on and on. Ill just show you in pictures what Ive been doing. :)

So the first one is taken today (ofc by myself) at my wonderful walk near the waterfall.

2nd one is my Skype-chat from Tapa Father´s Heart conference (just about the worshiptime).

3rd picture has the most amazing cherry-blossoms Ive ever seen...

4th picture is of the weather fore-cast in Bala and 5th picture is taken y-day.

:):):):):)

So I just CANT get this song out of my mind today and Id love to share it with you so maybe it gets stuck as well: "There is power in the name of Jesus, to break every chane, to brake EVERY chane, to break every chane!" :)
You see, every time we speak out things in the name of Jesus, in the name of Father, in the name of Holy Spirit, things will start to change, sooner or later, they have to! Coz My Father is a Mighty One, a Holy One, Redeeming and Mercyful. Never leaving my side, even in hard times. So I believe when I trust Him with my things, things will change.
I guess many of you are asking, why is she coming back.
Well, I wanna close that topic for now. Just because I want to! :) I dont want to overthink and thats what Ive been doing the last few weeks. I wanna enjoy my time, my life, my journey. I wanna relax, close my eyes and just be. And you be as well, be free of every condemnation, every judgment. Just take it easy. Or dont worry be happy like one of my gooooood friend told me yesterday. ;)
There is a time and season for every activity under heaven, so I believe its time for me to come home and see what my country has for me. And for us in general. So there we go, the cat is finally out of the bag and I bet there are at least a few people who are happy for me and with me! ;)
So today I have a day off. Im gonna try to do quite a few things, but most of all Im gonna enjoy. Enjoy just being where I am and who I am. Try it for a change! Turn off your ideas of who you should be and who you should not be and enjoy WHO YOU ARE. Coz you cant be anyone else, they´re taken already (old joke, but still a good one).
(Oh, I gotta share this. So we have a new bunch of people at the school again and one of them started calling me Kissika (at first an accident, later not so), he knows well enough my name is KiRsika, but anyway Ive got a new name now).
Hugs
Kirsi

I know

Its springtime.
I know I have said that tons of times that spring in Bala starts in February but it really is and it really starts. And it means the world to me to see that. To be here. To smell it, to photograph it, to memorize it.
Coz it might be my last spring here.
So Im letting out a huge sigh not when I say my next.
Im coming back to Estonia this year.
I cant say when, coz some things need to remain as a knowledge only for me and a few others, but other then that IM COMING BACK HOME. To my Estonia. To my family. And friends. To Ester, to mum and dad, to relatives... I dont want it to be a big deal. I want it to be a next step in my life and I want you to walk with me and pray for me. I need support and I need love. Nobody in their lives needs discouragement. :)
But so the big news is out. I didnt want it to be some sort of secret that Im gonna live it for the rest of my time here. I want to share this with you. :) Coz Im happy. Im living in a springtime, in a wait, in a season of love, in hope and in future.
Sometimes we are just lingering on in a hope that there will be a BIG sign in the heaven - GO. But you know, after I made the decision I finally recieved peace. Only after. And now I know I am doing the right thing. And Ive got the best thing ever to hold on to. My hope. My God. My Jesus. And my Holy Spirit. Oh how I loved the book "The Shack" - I loved how it described Holy Spirit. I sometimes imagine myself walking next to HS, that she is just so colourful, vibrant, seethrough, that she is helping me and giving me warnings, hope, love, sharing and caring. I wish I could actually see her with my heart, hear her more. Give more space to her in my life (ok, now you ask me, why her, why not him, well, why not????).
You know, Im sometimes sooooooo deaf to what He says to me but when I actually listen to my Father I hear. I hear Him guiding me, reassuring me, telling me to stop when needed and go on when safe... I feel His gentle kisses in the wind, I even know that He is with me. yeah. Its not always easy to know. Like when I dont sleep, its like, why am I wide awake all night long, or when Im in pain, where are you God? But He is right here, with me, He is in that place where Im suffering. And He is loving me so deep. So much.
And what Im trying to say is I knew all along I needed to come back at one point. And it will happen. If not soon then this year. I have already the month in my heart and I cant tell you yet. :) So I guess Ill see you soon my beautiful friend.
Love, Kirsi

Shh!

No words. No great songs. No big thoughts today. Just me and my cup of tea. And a few pictures to sort through.
Ok I have some thoughts. Im happy actually. I am really looking forward to quite a few things. A few are more public then others. Like my dad and M coming here. Oh I asked Ester to draw me a bday card and send it with dad when he comes. They´re gonna leave Bala just 1 day before my big 25, so I can actually celebrate it with them as well. They better take me out or... :D
And Im happy coz I am coz I am coz I am. I have a few reasons. One of them quite a lot of you know but one of them non of you know. :) Oh isnt it intriguing? I love secrets! ;) And one of them even I dont know... Lets just say times are changing.
Now the next thing Id like to have is my health back. Its been days of nose.blowing and days of coughing now so heck I need it back. I believe in miracles, so one for me please! :)
And then about this book I just finished: "Sons of Encouragement" by Francine Rivers. Its a series of 5 books (http://francinerivers.com/books/series/sons-encouragement) and I strongly suggest it. There were 2 that really spoke into my heart. Jonathan and Silas. And I just loved their love and devotion for God. And somehow God is speaking to me through books lately. Dont laugh, I dont mean that I can hear His strong voice echoing somewhere over me, but I hear His voice in my heart. And its beautiful. You know if you just once would try to listen and give it a chance you might hear Him as well. :)
So a book-a-holic as I am I have probably done my own record in a year 30-40 books, heck, I guess I really do have a lot of free time in my hands...
Anyway I better go on with my morning and blow my nose or smth like that.
Hugs.
A little sheep to remind you the Love of Jesus for His beloved ones. He so wants to guide us like a shepherd guides its sheep. So my suggestion is to follow. Follow. And follow.
Love, K

...

So I thought Id like to share 2 pictures with you.

First one is my medicine supply before I got more stuff (like some strong stuff to rub on your chest and under your nose so your eyes will start to water so bad)...

The 2nd picture just blew my mind this morning. Well, not the picture but whats on it. I think someone dropped it behind my door last night and it probably went to the B&B, but its from LV from a deardear friend of mine and I just dont know, this girl, she has put so much effort into making all this stuff... I mean, its not anymore that I see it 3-4 times a year that Im loved but I actually see it every day through my friends, family, nature, I see God´s astonishing love everywhere.

And Im thankful.

Coughing and red-nose cherry.

:)

oh meeen

Hahaa that is just hilarious. I thought my situation is bad enough with a toilet roll to blow my nose with when a friend of mine send me a msg: "I got flu and fever. And I have kitchen roll with me, it's bigger than toilet roll." Oh meeen... :D
Ok maybe its not that funny but a little bit...
I dont know if u´ve noticed but I blog about 1 millionbizillion times more when I have nothing to do. I have no strenght to really anything but rest at the moment. So I blog. Watch movies, read, eat what I find from the freezer and try to be still. Try to get healed as soon as possible.
Its hard. This doing nothing. Im a doer. I really dont know if its even a word of not but thats who I am. I tend to overdo and then I feel worse in the evenings... heck. I wanna be my normal self again, back to work, back to the things that I DO. Maybe there is some sort of lesson in all of this, like maybe its ok to just BE...
Maybe.

No numbers

Im not gonna put any numbers anymore on top of the posts coz I think I have lost my count. Anyway I know that yesterday was my anniversary for 1 year of Bala and in a way it was one of the hardest day here so far coz of the cold I have. I havent been sick for 3 years at least, not with a cold. And its like you cant breathe and you have to carry toilet-roll with you everywhere you go, haha. Not funny! :) Im just glad I have a family here who cares for me so much they are ok bringing me more medicine 9.30 pm... I really needed the stuff coz Im better today already. I hope so at least. I think I had a tiny bit of fever as well but who knows since I dont own anything to measure it with. But its ok, sometimes not knowing is better... :)
But back to the video I made yesterday. I just wanted to share a little story how I came to that, why I did it and what is going on. So, as you might remember last year in the beginning of July I was kind of in a place I didnt know what to do anymore, yes, I was singing, but it was getting harder to always find someone to play with. And I have a friend in Est who just told me fair and blunt I need to study an instrument. And I was like, heck, me? I cant do it and who are you to tell me I can? But it got me to a point I couldnt get his ideas out of my heart and I started. In July 2011 I started with my own studies and I tell you it hasnt been easy. With no teacher around. Im thankful for thousands of tutorials online, but still there has been noone to check how I am (except in Christmastime for one day I had a teacher) doing and if Im doing smth wrong etc. Anyway the first 3 months I practised so much I did a little damage to my wrist and didnt play for a month after that and then started again. It was mostly repeating all over again the chords and the changes etc.
So yesterday to actually make the video, well, it def was jumping over some rocks for me. To dare to really record smth and put it online? I mean its been so easy with Margus, he plays I sing. Thats how its always been. So Im just learning how to do the 2 together. :) And that song was by far the hardest one to translate, SO MANY WORDS... hehe... :)
Alright. So there you go. But Im sure at one point I know Im gonna have a teacher and someone to guide me where to go and what to do. Maybe when I move back to Estonia in future! ;)
Hugggs
Kirsi

I DID IT!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxLlbn-yMLc

Had to translate a song and thought Id just record it. This is my first vid up here where I actually play the guitar... Had to jump over some rocks to do that!
Sry about the broken voice and hope its not too bad (have a cold at the moment and shouldnt really sing but cant help it). :)
Original song - "I LOVE YOUR PRESENCE" By Bethel Music, mine is just a cover.
Hugs, Kirsi 16.03.2012

ONE YEAR

Its been exactly 1 year in Bala today. On the 16th of March 2011 I was ready to make this step and live in Bala for a certain amount of time. And today, a year later, Im still here. :)
So how should one celebrate if one has a bad cold?
Well, let me tell you. With Mr.Medicine and Kalev and Johnny and Mr.Darcy (Im not sure I have the strenght for the last Mr but we will see)... :)
http://virsika.blogspot.com/2011/03/safely-in-wales.html - My first entry in Bala. Day #1.

So there we go, A YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(And I figured out why I messed up with dates and stuff... The reason is I started reading the days on the wrong day - 17.03 which should have been my 2nd day here!)

1. Kirsi is drinking this horrible tea (kind of like Goldrex) that tastes so fake and is suppose to make you feel better.
2. Kirsi finished drinking this horrible tea. YAY.
3. Kirsi is pleased coz the next time she needs to drink it is in 4 hours.

:D

Be still, my Love

I felt y-day that its not actually as warm outside for me to only wear a jumper but hey, it was sunny. So early in the morning today, around 4am I opened my eyes and felt my throat is just burning so bad. I did fall back to sleep but 2,5 hours later its still there. This crazy pain.
And then I thought about the fact Im suppose to lead worship 8 days in a row now for 2 schools here starting today...
And my heart just sank.
And suddenly I hear this quiet voice in me: "Do not let YOUR heart be troubled".
So I wont. I know now even if I cant lead worship, I mean, whatever happenes, He is with me.
Always.

361

Haha, now I actually think that I have messed up something somewhere with the dates, because on the 16.of March it should be a year but its only 2 days from today and the number up there is 361?? Eeh Ive always been pretty bad with numbers. :D Oh well. You will survive. If I am alive then you will def survive...
So almost almost a year ago I came here and stayed. I came for 6 months and soon it´ll be 12... How crazy is that?
I dont have a lot to say today expect this: APPRECIATE YOUR home, your family, your friends. These are the things that stay. Money will always come and go and so does everything else. But there are a certain people, certain places that will always welcome you. So your job is to appreciate them. I mean it. :)

Mh, actually. I do have some greatt news. MY PAPA IS COMING TO BALA next month for 10 days and Margus with him. Hurrayyyy! Im pretty happyclappy about this. We´re gonna rock´n´roll. Ok, they´re probably gonna rest, Ill do the rocking and rolling. :D So yeah...
:)

Watford Part II

So Part II is written after the trip. Today. Like right now. :)
I wrote about Friday and Saturday already so Im not going there... But Sunday. Wow. Sunday was beautiful. Again. We took the morning very slow and easy. Nathalie got up a bit later then I did and then we had breakfast, did our make up, nails, hair, dressed properly and went out for the day. Had our own little date in a small town called St. Albans. What a beautiful place. We had to take a train there but it was so close it was like a blink of an eye. Walked around, went to a cafe, saw a market (felt like old days, so nice) and took pictures. At one point we both got tired and returned to N´s home. I went for a tiny nap and around 5pm we headed to church. Soul Survivor Church. Oh what a great time, worship, word, a little fellowship and then back to home. Dinner and bed. I loved it. It was such a refreshment to do that. So many young people around me and such the presence of Father...
On Monday N went to work, we said our goodbyes which was a bit hard coz actually I dont know when Ill see her again. So around 12.30 pm I left the house and started walking towards trainstation wwith my heavy bags, tell you, that wasnt easy. My shoulder is still a bit weird. :D I made it (surprise, me, good at finding places???) and found my platform and my journey started again. This time with no missed trains etc. I did have tons of waiting everywhere so 6-7 hours after my first train I stepped into our flat and realized how tired I am. 2 trains, 1 bus.
Oh I gotta tell you ab 1 funny experience I had y.day. So after the 2nd train I had an hour in Ruabon til my next bus. And Im like desperate for a lu (if u dunno what it is then its the place where everyone needs to go once in a while... :D). There I am with no chances of going into one and so I take my 3 bags and start walking. I step into the first pub that comes my way and everyone´s eyes are on me. And suddenly I realize Im the only woman in the house with bunch of men. Hahaha, so I take it very coolly, step to the counter and be all like, can I have a peppermint tea and the guys just panic. HHAHHAA, I mean obviously not a lot of ladies go there and have a peppermint tea. Finally he finds one and Im like, I need a lu. UH thank God there was one. I come back and everybody starts talking to me. And I find out Im in the best pub in Wales, they had just gotten some sort of award coz they make the best beer (ale?)... Anyway there I am all talking and stuff and I realize Id have never been able to do that a couple of months ago. And Im all happy coz actually its not that bad. I did enjoy myself, with a tea and a smile on my face. Ofc I was asked tons of questions what the heck am I doing in Bala etc, but talking to a bunch of strangers has never been my strong side. (oh dont worry they were all a lil bit elderly men, so no young fellas to be afraid of). :) Anyway my lil encounter with a real local pub went well.
So overall this trip was def the best one Ive had in years. On my own. I believe God, Father was with me and guiding me. I think He set angels to watch over me. And I learned one word - TRUST!
Trust Me, daughter. Trust Me, SON! :)
And may the new adventures come soon. Oh I know they will. You might not know, but I know! :D

Watford - Part I

So Ill go back in time and Ill post now what I wrote in Watford. This is part I of the trip that I had! :)
10.03.2012
Wow, Im here, in Watford. I made it. With Daddy.
So yesterday I had the most amazing thing happened to me. Which at first seemed like a crappy start turned out to be a blessing. So Vicki was suppose to pick me up from the flat around 1.30pm and she did which was good and there we are in a car, driving to Ruabon to get me to my first train and suddenly I get this horrible feeling that Ive messed up really bad. I look at my times and jep, there it was, I was suppose to go an hour earlier coz the train was 1.45pm not 2.45 pm. And I just panic. Not like visibly but inside I shrink to the size of a peanut. And I tell V. So there we are at the trainstaion and I have to say that Vicki is the best person to make a mistake with coz she is so calm and reasonable. She calmed me down and looked for some other options. So she decides to drive me to another trainstation (who does that nowadays, just for you?) and while we are driving I know we have only this 50 minutes to get there coz otherwise Ill miss my chance. Suddenly I get this strong voice inside of me asking me a question: "DO YOU TRUST ME?" and I just smile coz I know my Father is with me. Ok, here I have to say that I dont get very often these voices inside of me so strong so I know it must have been GOD.
Vicki pulls to the carpark just at the time train is suppose to leave, I jump out having NO idea where I am and what Im doing (Oh I never mentioned its my first time travelling alone in the Uk, huh) and I run. I run inside and there is this angel pointing a way for me. He lets me through the doors where you are suppose to show your tickets and says RUN. And I do. And I jump on a first train without having no idea if its the right one or not. And I sit there, hands trembling but heart in peace coz somehow I know Im on my way.
So nobody asks me about tickets (which is kind of strange, they should) and I dont know if my other tickets work there and we get to my next station somewhere. I step out and Im like WOW, where the heck am I? Turns out Im in the right place but have no idea whats next. I manage to find out I have 30 minutes til my next train which is just perfect coz then I can look for the platform. Oh wow, all is well I tell myself. And on a train I realize I dont even know if my traintickets which were suppose to be for another train work here and THEY DID. Just perfect.
So finally in Watford I take a taxi to Nathalie´s and she greets me at the door with the biggest and warmest smile ever. Oh how I love that girl. It was all so worth it. I love it here and I love this home. Its a real home. They are so blessed and so full of love towards their people. Mmmm.
And God is good. He was there on my every step just guiding me and showing me the way. And the good that came out of it? Me learning to trust all over again. The question is DO you trust ME? He wants me to give my fears and my failures from the past to Him. Oh wow, this has always been my biggest fear, to miss a bus or a train or to be somewhere having no idea where you really are. And there I was, messed up real bad and yet held in in His arms.
11.03.2012
Yesterday was just awesome. To spend a day with Nathalie is like a fresh wind on a nice summer day when you´re way too hot and need a breeze. We woke up late, she took Simon to the trainstation and then our day started. We talked, ate, walked. She took me to her spa and I had the best massage ever. Later hot chocolate and some little shopping. And then we came back here, cooked, watched a movie... Very easy, very simple. YET so meaningful. Friendships are suppose to be easy, not hard, not dragged. I believe we are called to love everyone but we cannot be friends with everyone. I actually believe that. You can argue with me, you can throw me with stones, but I think I cannot be friends with all types of people.
We are all so different and yet we have these certain people in our lives that we just click with. Its so easy to be with them, even if the talk is not always there, its still good. Like I said, being with them is like a breeze. A nice wind.
And there are people you can try and try and try and you love them, a lot, but you´re not close. And its ok. Coz you dont have to push it. Its something I have started to believe about marriages. I have seen 2 of my closest ones getting married in a weeks time. My sister and Nathalie and I can say that ok, they dont have it all together, but there is somethings so great about their lives, they have put God nr 1 in their lives and though Father its amazing. Marriage is amazing. Seeing Nathalie and Simon together its so beautiful. One is a bit quiet, the other talkative. And thats the beauty of it. She is so in love. He is so in love. I do believe when God is behind a relationship its beautiful. Its not striving, pushing, throwing, screaming, yelling, its not hurting constantly. Its about listening, sharing, accepting, loving. Its about Him. Its about Her. Its not about me me me.
And there is something so important getting things right with God before you step into a relationship. Getting the healing process started. 2 broken people create a broken relationship. And then it becomes a hard work. Yes, work. I have been broken all my life. I have lived with big lies and I have believed so many things about myself that are not true. The last 2 years have been incredable. Hard, yet amazing. I have cried more then ever. And I have smiled more then ever. And I have learned to love myself. My body, my shape, my heart, my smile. I am far from perfect, FAR. I have days I wake up and Im like, who the heck is this? But not so much anymore. I am learning to get to know myself. Through Father´s eyes. See there is a difference. You can try to love yourself from your own strenght or through God. He sees me beautiful. He sees me pure. And worthy. He sees me perfect. He sees me as a Princess. And He sees the same about my friend, my sister, my mother. He sees me without fault. I am His beloved bride. Yes, you may not understand what Im saying here. But look into your heart.
How many times do you look in a mirror and dont like what you see? Not only outside but also inside. You see yourself getting angry, bitter. You see scars from broken heart. You see hate and you see sadness. You see a bony body, a big body. You see a smile that is not beautiful or eyes that are tired. You see small boobs, big boobs. Or you see too little hair. You see all the faults. But try FOR a change to see the things you like. Start with small. Start with your best sides. And one day you´ll be able to say, hey, Im not that bad at all. I had to start with a mustard seed. I had to find something to like. And you know it has not been easy. I still find hard to be in public beaches where you see other bodies. That def look better then yours, am I right?
Anyway. I have gone far from the topic which was friendship. But you know me. I tend to do that. A lot. :) So there you go...

356

So basically its gonna be an exciting day. See, its my first time ever Im travelling alone with no support or no car. I mean, here, in the UK. I will manage, Im quite sure in that, but its still pretty ummn exciting. :D I have a lil bit of help in the beginning, Vicki is taking me to Ruabon trainstation and from there I have 2 trains to Watford. It reminds me a little bit of airports, so Im not too much worried... And Ill have my phone with me, so what can go wrong? :)
Anyway I think Im going back to bed now, since I have been waking up way too early for more then a week now and its starting to get on me... Oeh. Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of syndrom that when one thing goes another comes (healthwise)...
See you.

I have...

...an amazingly talented and sweet and wonderful and beautiful friend. V, I love you.

TOMORROW

Im so excited. Tomorrow Im gonna have my journey to see Nathalie, my beautiful and precious Nathalie... wow. Its gonna be 4-5hours with 2 trains to go to Watford (near London) but oh its so worth it.
EXCITED JUMPING UP AND DOWN KIRSI.
:)

353

Its sometimes so interesting how you know some people for years and suddenly you see something different in them. Its like hey, youve been here all the time and Ive never actually known you and if you allow me Id like to change that.
Thats how I feel with some people. And its a very very good thing. You feel as you´ve gained something, I dare say that you have gained a new friend. In a deeper lever you expected...
And then with times and places. You´re here. You´re doing your thing and suddenly you want to move on. Its been growing in you for a while but then you actually see it. Its there, waiting for you. The change, the new beginning. You dont know where, but you know its time. Its time to make some plans.
Its exciting, its scary, but you want it. With every part of you, you just want it so bad that you cant stop thinking about it. And somewhere deep, there is peace. A peace that says "go for it, for I am with you coz if you never try you never know". If you never step out of that boat you will always be in that boat. Do you see what I mean? And there will always be doors that are closed for a long time and suddenly they´re open. For you to step in. And if they´re not open you can just wait a bit longer or try another door.
So Im just saying that its time. It smells different here. The spring-time. Time to make some decisions and time for actions. Time to love and not a time to hate. ;) Time to smile and dance. And a time to love, ps! this rule is for all the times. :) There is never a time one should not love. Coz the greatest of these is Love (yes three remain, faith hope love).
K

Sisters.

Freedom.

...

You know. I am sitting here and I got this crazy overwhelming feeling that I am so loved and oh that feels good. One call after another, msg-s from amazing people, knowing Im waited somewhere over the oceans, over the mountains, the seas, knowing that love conquers all. It really does.
Love your neighbour as yourself.
And you know, I do love myself. More then I loved myself a year ago. More then a few months ago. Without loving yourself you cant really love others. I am learning. I am starting to realize more with each day how precious I am to my Father, to my King and that makes me special. I am His and He is mine. So you know, next time you wanna say something bad to someone, know they´re His as well. His beloved ones. And next time try to see them as your sisters-brothers. As people like you and me. I am just thinkin that this would make it all so much easier...
Just saying. :) We are surrounded with each other. Friends, family. People who love us no matter what. And all we gotta do is give love back. Its a 2-way route. Not just one way, give me give ME, give me. It shouldnt be like that. Never. There is a quote that says that a hug is like a bumerang, it comes back to you. Same is with a relationship. If you invest in it, you will gain so much.
You know, I have been there. Selfish. With an attitude that said: You have to do the work. Not me. Naah. If you want people to call to you, people to write letters to you, TAKE THE 1st Step. Be the one that shows interest. WHY on earth do we think that hey, he or she hasnt written, I guess they dont care. Heck, why dont you write first? Why are we such mules in this so often. I am so often in my self-pity, nobody writes to me, nobody cares. I dont need that attitude. I should have an attitude of caring and loving my neighbours.
I just got a text from a friend that invited me out tomorrow, to the beach and a cafe and that she wants to pay for everything. Now that is just one way of showing your love. IT doesnt have to be big. Write a note that says I love you. Leave them some candy somewhere. Or tell them something good that is encouraging not discouraging. Oh its not so hard. Dont look at this text now and be all like, HAS she gone mad or smth.
We live in a world of BUSYBUSYBUSY. Everyone is busy and nobody has time. Make the time, take the time. Steal the time, if needed. What is more important then relationships? NOTHING. Without love we have nothing. So go one, be a builder. Be someone who initiates things, not waits for something to happen without even moving a finger. :)
And there I am, preaching again. Nope. Im just sharing my heart with you.
I just put this quote on Fb: If you live your life in fear of what COULD happen, you miss out on what SHOULD happen! So stop being afraid. Dont be afraid of WHAT IF´s. What can they do to you? Just bring you deep into fear that nobody cares, nobody. Oh but people do care. Some just dont know how coz no one hasnt shown their love for them. Start loving like Jesus loves.
Remember: little things.
Little.
It doesnt have to be a big expencive gift.
It can be you listening to someone´s broken heart.
And it can change their life.
It changed my life that there was someone ready to listen.
Someone who cared.
And I know Im not perfect and I dont want to be. I am far from perfect. But I am closer to Him who is coz I know I am loved.
Cheers.
(:

Sest mõnikord vajad sa lihtsalt ühte tükki oma lemmikkoogist ja suurt kruusitäit oma lemmikteed ja terve maailm naeratab jälle. :) Proovitud.

350

350 days in Bala. Not all of them Ive been here of course, I do love to travel and I believe no one can ever remove that bug out from me. Hm Ive been on a plane so many times and I still dont like it. That non-stop sitting and somehow I manage to sit next to some pretty big people usually and that makes it impossible to get out especially when u´re stuck somewhere next to a window. Oh I still remember my mum´s story how when she came here someone started throwing up and she had to hold herself back pretty bad coz that someone sat next to her, haha... Ok, its prob wasnt funny for that person but hey, its past now. :D
Spring has brought all kinds of new feelings into my heart. I was walking around y-day on my own (note. there was no one around) with the biggest smile ever, just listened to some amazing music and teaching and smiled and laughed out loud. Now that is just me. But it was great. The weather here has been gorgeous compared to what it usually is so I just tried to enjoy it all. Take it in and not let go... You know nobody has ever promised that walk with God has to be easy, without no pain, without no worries. Yes, so often we have been taught that in our churches that come to God and EVERYTHING will be solved. But can you imagine people who have SO much to carry around with them, all of their past. And you know, God doesnt give us more than we can handle. I mean he doesnt just come and be like BAMM, Im gonna heal you know and then you deal with the past coz yeah it hurts like hell. No He can take one part of you and heal it and then another part and heal it. Sometimes its too much for us if we would have to deal with everything at the same time. I mean seriously, Im only 24 (soon 25, yes) and I have such a past. Imagine people who are 50, 60, 70. Its not that God doesnt want to and sometimes He does heal everything at once but remember, NOT more than we can handle or carry. Now how in the world I ended up here? HOW? :D Always preaching, haha...
I just remember how in Saaremaa I shared my short testimony (which I should have written down, haha). I am not very good at talking. I can write, yes, all good. But standing in front of 60-70 young people and telling them that they´re beautiful. Hm, who am I that they would listen? But the thing is that Father has given me a testimony, a story of my own. I have something to share. I have a STORY. And a voice (and not talking about my singing here). Once someone told me that after I stop singing I should not run away from the stage coz GOD has a word to say through me and I should start opening my mouth. And heck if thats the thing then I want to obey even if it takes so much from me. But I def should make some notes next time so I wouldnt be all over the place, oh yeah, I was I dont even know where.... ALL I could think of while standing there, was that ALL these people are so incredable I wish they would grasp it and take it in and believe it and actually let GOD tell them that... Not my words, but Fathers.
You know HE is your Lord your God and He so wants to welcome you home. WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN.
Ok I´ll stop now. Yes I´ll stop. You know me a bit prob already, when I start there is no end.
Love you.
Byebye, off to work now.
:)

349

Ok as you see, the number up there gets closer and closer to me being here a year. I have to do something crazy. Actually I already am doing something crazy in a week from today. Im travelling far to see my beautiful Nathalie for 3 days. Its gonna be so great to see her again in her new married life. I believe marriage makes people beautiful. They shine. If its the right one they shine like christmastrees. And no, I know there will be problems, but things will be solved and talked through as one, as a team. So N, Im coming!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
So happy. Well, the traintickets in the UK are so blimin´ expencive but heck, Im going to Watford. It will be so great, amazing, wonderful, fun.
So today. The Day Off II. Yesterday was great. :) Smiled a lot, walked a lot, organized my music sheets, played guitar, felt sick, read a book, ate a wonderful sandwich, talked to a friend a lot, thought about God, made a picture (jup, as Im good at ripping, glueing (ok, how do you spell that word????), writing), took tons of pictures of little sheep and beautiful things outside, bought some sweet stuff from the charity shop and in general was in a good mood. I think its about deciding. It really is, you could let the mood down by sicknesses or bad temper or circumstances, but hei, you can always decide, I wont let this stuff get me. :)
Im gonna go now. Maybe have a shower and try on some dresses coz soon its summer here. It really is! It was + 13 or something like that yesterday, so summer is not far... :D
Oh and pictures pictures pictures are one post down. :)

Thats why I love Bala.

♥

I know its a little thing.
But you know, Father cares about little things as well.
So, when mum was here, we were all over the place, trying so hard to find me a good new colourful coat and it just didnt happen.
Today I walked into our charity-shop and there it was. A new spring-coat. COLOURFUL. :) Just for me, my size, my prize. Perfect.
♥

Im in love

I really am in love with God. With His work around me. How He gently comes and pushes through the deepest parts of my heart. He just longs for me and He wants to heal me. He shows me these incredable pictures outside every day. I walk, I see a bird. Or a flower. And suddenly I know Im loved. How weird. Such little things.
Its funny how my health keeps getting worse and worse (not funny, ok), and in a same time Father keeps coming closer and closer. I know there is a reason in all of this. There is something going on, something bigger, something I dont understand and grasp yet, but He is in my heart. Nope, nothing and no one can remove Him from there. I absolutely love Him. I love that He loves me. Yes. :)

29.Veebruar

Nii. Et ma Eesti keelt ära ei unustaks, teeme vahepeal midagi teistsugust.
Blogi tuleb minu oma emakeeles. :)
Täna on mönus kuupäev, ainuke, kus naised võivad mehele abieluettepaneku teha. Tähendab, mul ei ole absoluutselt plaanis kellegagi abielluma hakata, ja kui aus olla, siis ei ole niipidi üldse hea. See on ikkagi meeste küsimus ja naiste vastus. Aga päris kihvt traditsioon, võibolla mõnele sobib niipidi ja siis täna on erakordne võimalus...
Ps! Ma olen ikka veel hullult Saaremaa lainel. Räägin Saaremaast, mõtlen Saaremaast, kirjutan ka. Ma ei tea, võiks nüüd midagi teist juhtuda, ma kujutan ette, et mu siinne pere on nii väsinud juba must. :D Võibolla ei ole ka, aga ma küll oleks.
Mmh, olen veidi mõelnud. (NAGU ma seda tavaliselt ei teeks, eksole?). Tuleviku peale, mu unistuste peale. Et kuhu edasi, mis edasi, mida edasi. Õppima, kooli? Tööle? Vabatahtlikuks? Välismaa? Eesti... Nii, et kui sa oled mu eest palvetanud ja Jumalalt midagi kuulnud, võid mulle ka teada anda. ;)
Mul on tegelikult väga suured igatsused hakanud südames üles tõusma ja ma usun. Ma usun ja loodan ja tean, et see kõik on mu Isa kätes. Ma tean, et Ta teab täpselt, mis minu jaoks HEA on, sest kõik, mida ma tahame, ei too meile kasu. Ja ma usun ka seda, et vahel peab lihtsalt paadist välja hüppama ja astuma. See teebki selle vbl veidi keeruliseks, et ma ei tea, kumba teha. Kas oodata või astuda... :) Vahel on selline seis.
Ma sain eile maailma kõige ilusama kirja. Eestist, sõbralt. Mul jättis süda ka löögi vahele. Nii head ja armsad sõnad. Ja igatsus ja armastus, mis sealt õhkus. Me kõik vajame selliseid sõpru, kes aegajalt meid jälle üles tõstaksid ja julgustaksid. Tundub, et Jumal on minu kõrvale pannud just sellised inimesed, kes mind kogu südamest armastavad. MA ei ole üksi.
Ja tead, sa ei ole ka üksi! Kui arvad, et oled, kirjuta mulle. Ma tean rohtu selle vastu! ;)
Ja siin mõllab Kevad. Pisikesed lambatalled hakkavad aasadele tekkima, kõik kohad on avanevaid lilli täis ja rohi lõhnab jälle värskelt. Linnud laulavad nii, et vahel peab kõrvad kinni panema ja kui hästi tahad, näed sellised jäneseid igal pool, kes teisi jäneseid taga ajavad. (hahaaa). Oi, see on ilus aastaaeg. Nii ilus. Varsti saan oma kleidid kapist välja võtta ja siis tagasi kappi panna, sest siin pole kuskile nendega minna. :D
Olgu. Eesti keelne postitus hakkab kohe lõppema, sest mulle tundub, et mul voolab seda teksti inglise keeles palju paremini. :)
Kallistan.
Ja igatsen.
:) Kirsi

345

"Its a little bit funny, this feeling inside, Im not one of those who can easily hide..."

How faithful.
I was so sad yesterday. It was hard to come back after this amazing weekend. And it was a bit of a crazy adventure. I travelled by car, bus, ship, taxi and plane. I was just drop-dead-tired and for the first after a trip like this I just fell to my bed and slept 2,5 hours. By the time I woke up it was dinner time and one of our volunteers was cooking for everybody last night. So I was taken to the B&B and something so beautiful took place.
We had communion for the first time here. I just cried and cried and felt so thankful. SO loved. I felt like the family I have is so big. Its all over the world. Its not just 1 family here and then a 2nd family somewhere else, but its THE family. Only ONE! Not many. And its a blessing. A beautiful blessing.
So He is faithful. Yes. I was tired and yet He came and showed me something I wouldnt have wanted to miss for the world...
:)

Saaremaa

And Im going again.
Sometimes I feel like my life is spent by packing and unpacking my suitcases... And to be honest, well, Im starting to think that its not a bad thing at all.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THE CAMP IN SAAREMAA.
It was the best thing that happened to me in the longest time.
A big blessing.
I was so blessed, so loved during these 3 days. Father, He already lives inside of me so I dont need to look for Him from FAR-away-land. He is already with me in the deepest places and He is knows what His kids need. Sometimes its the youth of this land, the people who are willing to serve Him and love Him and carry HIS LOVE around. And I was loved, oh so loved. And to share my story with them was an honor.
I was able to be a part of an amazing worship-team last night and able to be a part of these people´s lives. I was involved in something bigger then an eye can see! My heart is filled up and its the hardest thing to leave.
Its the right thing, but the hardest.
I know He´s got a plan for me. Bigger then I think. A plan full of hope and good things. A future just for ME!
So in an hour Ill be leaving this island to go back to Wales. I have no why God has sometimes put the things in our lives the way He has, but heck, He has to know. He is God, The Dad! (:
Ok. Ill be back. I know I will be back.
Love.
Kirsi

(ps! You can sometimes comment my posts as well so I know Im not left alone here with my thoughts...)

So as you might know or not know, IM IN ESTONIA FOR 3 DAYS!!!!
Why am I here?
How did I come?
When my mum was in UK, Wales for 2 weeks, she shared about her and dad coming to Saaremaa to a youthcamp in the end of February. That they are gonna share there and talk about God´s love and their own life and its gonna be an amazing camp etc. The next moment I remember was how R+V took me to another room and asked if I wanna go with my parents. I just started crying coz I couldnt even dream about Estonia for another few months and yet here I am. They paid for my tickets and just let me go for 3 days. Started my journey yesterday at 5am from Wales and made it to Saaremaa about 12 hours later... (:
So a few days ago I started thinking that 24.02 is Estonian Independance Day and IM GONNA BE THERE. How great is that? Its like 3 in one - get to see my family, get to see my friends, get to be in an incredable camp and Independance Day (ok, that was more like 4). WONDERFUL.
I am already enjoying myself. Tommorrow night Im gonna share a little testimony and on Sunday morning back to Wales...
SURPRISE!!!!!! ;)

HER

"The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched. They must be felt with the heart." Seeing your sister getting married to the man of her dreams is one of them. Its been 4 months since I witnessed this beautiful day. And I wish I could play the repeat button over and over again back to October...

The surprise

Love surprises?
I love them.
Big surprises. Small surprises.
All of them.
Except the bad ones.

My head...

...is full of thousands of little and big thoughts. Some of them are so good, some of them are horrible, some bad, some happy, some sad. I bet you have the same problem. Am I right?
We all think. Mostly only all day long. Ironic eh? It seems Im alone in this and whenever I talk to someone I realize we are all in the same boat. Some less, some more.
So what are my sad thoughts? My sad thoughts are my health, my friends who are having hard times, my family struggling, my future. And happy thoughts? My happy thoughts are my friends, my family, my future.
Strange huh how the same things can cause us distress and joy in a same time. And the thing is that actually non of these things is in my hands. NON. And yet every day, constantly, I try to fix things. I try to worry about things. And I shouldnt. My Father knows me better then anyone else. Better then my mum and dad. Better then my best friends. Better then Johnny or Mr. Darcy (joke).
But hey, Im just an ordinary me. And yet so unique. With my own thoughts and actually, the more I learn to trust HIM the more I get to be me.
So. Here I am. Its storming outside. Im really cozy sitting on a warm room and thinking. About my life. About who I am and what is gonna happen.
And then I stop. Coz I realize I need to live in the moment. Sometimes its really important to just live in the moment. Just right now. to cherish what Ive got. And Ive got A LOT.
More then most people have.
And yet there is a little bit in my that is dreaming so big. So big that it seems impossible that these things will ever come true. But like my friend said that its good, coz then I cant try to make it come true myself, but let God do it. I mean otherwise I might do it from my own strength. Ok maybe you didnt get it. See, if we dream way too big, then God has a chance to step in and make our dreams come true. If our dreams are tiny we can just easily make them happen ourselves. ;)
And yes. I am afraid. I am afraid, WHAT IF... What if non of it will happen. What if I end up being single. What if I end up not singing, not making anything with what God has given me... What if, what if, what if. You know, what if´s should be crossed through with RED colour coz they just SUCK.
Live your dream and wear your passion.
Live your dream. I dont believe it only means that we only have to live and do the BIG things, but also means we need to dream big in order to have any answers. :)
Im going to sleep now. May Father watch over me and you. And may He read the dreams we have in our heart and heck, I know HE KNOWS ME!
;)

See you soon! (:

Day 336

As it is it is. We had a great day out yesterday despite my horrible headache (which reminds me to go to the doctor again, whuuu, I mean its not going so great, rather worse then ever before). We went to see the Conwy Castle and later me and my mum did some shopping (which was pretty successful)... :) And so today is her last day here, she´ll be coming over soon and tomorrow Ill send her away. 2 weeks went by so fast, wow. But she is ready to go to dad and Ester now. Hahaha, dad actually said yesterday that he understood mum misses her by the amount of msg-s he has started to recieve on his phone, hehe. ;)

"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable." ~ Dr. Joyce Brothers
Its so true. I have been manipulative. I actually believed that I have NEVER manipulated with people. But I have. Oh I so have and I probably will fail many times in future. Every day. But heck. I want to love and to be loved. And I want to step into a relationship one day with hope. With love. Without manipulation. And I want Father to help me this time. Never again I want to "try" to make anything work.
Manipulation is not the key. It never was and never will be.
Just so you know.

3 idiots

Movie suggestion:
"3 idiots"
I have seen it 3 times now and I just LOVE IT. Order it online and just enjoy it. I know its a Bollywood type of movie, but its just wonderful. Its about friendship, unconditional love, hope, dreams, real life. I really didnt know what to think about it when Rui-Chi brought back with her and said its a 3-hour movie, but I still agreed to watch it with others. There is some sort of Father-heart message in it and it just captivated me with its plot. It does have a few hard scenes in it, but real life is never all butterflies and flowers.
So enjoy! (+I almost never suggest any movies, but this one is heck of a worth it).

About some other stuff. Well, my mum is here for 3 more days and we get to have a day out tomorrow, whohoooop. :) Castle, beach, shopping. Sounds fun eh? :) Well, its gonna be a good day out I hope and then on Sunday she goes back to Estonia and like she said she will get 2 springs this year, 1 in here and one back at home whenever that happens... ;)
The road has been a bit up and down for me, but with Father and you know, with Him I am safe and I am on my way...
K

Sometimes a friend walking in a room and saying that the moment she/he saw you, you were shining and so very beautiful, makes up for a bad week.
Or a friend saying that even if you dont play games online, you´re still very awesome and rather pretty.
Or God telling that YOU have a future and He will open doors for you that were never opened and its gonna happen THIS year, not next, but this.
And then God starts yesterday. He opened a door for me that would have never been possible to go through.
Recieve.
Give.
Love.
Make compliments.
Be yourself.
Believe.
Hope.
Pray.
Seek.
And not because I tell you.
But because thats how you will know yourself.
And others.

Sitting on my bed and staring at Mr.Johnny. I think he just winked at me. Oh young love.

Heitsau

Istun köögilaua taga ja teiselpool mind istub emme.
Emme tükeldab kartuleid.
Käisime just poes.
Ja teeme nüüd kartulisalatit.
Sest kartulid keetsin mina juba hommikul ja nüüd on nad jahtunud.
Jess.
Kartulisalat.
:)

You did it for me
You did it for love
It´s Your victory
Jesus, You´re enough

...

In spring-time I am always different. Its a rule that no-one will ever never change. :)

325

Isitreallyday325?
:) Its very early in the morning, like 6.21am and Im just starting my day. Slowly, you know how a snail crosses a street; well, my morning usually is similar. Everything is done in slow-mode, thats why I have to wake up at least 1,5hoours before leaving the house. Thats me. Take it or leave it. SO, another day with Father? Eh!
Wow, there was something Ive been wanting to write here for ages and everytime I start its like gone from my memory. Maybe its not a time for that yet.
I just share what Robert shared in school y-day. Because its SO vital that you know this. There is this scripture in Bible: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Eph 6:12) and suddenly it all came so clear to me when R shared.
You know there are rules written in your heart since you were very tiny tiny tiny girl or boy. So we are NOT fighting against people of this world, we think we are and in a same time we are loosing the bigger war. Because we should actually be fighting against these rules, these lies in our heart. We should let Father take away these lies and replace them with truth. Coz satan fires little lies against us ALL the time and he uses these "what if´s" and "you´re not good enough" and we believe it all coz its actually a rule in our heart. You know when you became a Christian, the OLD you died. LIKE died! Literally. But it wants to come back all the time coz what we dont realize is that we have all these things WRITTEN all over already and if they´re not replace we keep on fighting the battle and loosing the war. Ok, and when I said we should be fighting, the actual truth is that WE cant replace them. Only Father God can. He can take away these things if we LET him come and deal with stuff.
And sometimes it hurts so much that we wanna hide and not deal with them. We dont want to "go there" coz its past. But heck, PAST follows us like no other.
If I wouldnt let God deal with the eating disorder I had Id still be believeing lies like: "You´re too FAT", "Stop eating, you´re only putting on more weight" etc etc etc. And the thing is they do try to come back, but I let Father fight for me, to heal me and help me not to believe these things.
And no one but God can heal you from inner hurts, from you past troubles. Coz yes, God USES people, but it is STILL HE who workes through them. See my point?
This world belongs to devil, BUT we belong to GOD. So why not let HIM come and rule in our lives? He wants the best for us, He really does. And you know what it means that the Kingdom of God is here... It means it is in OUR HEARTS. Father, Holy Spirit, Jesus- they are IN us and not outside somewhere. We dont have to look them from outside but from inside. They are close...
Oh all these little revelations lately are so important I could keep on going. Sry I just wanted to share that. Do you know that you the way you are, are AMAZING! Did you know that? No? Well, you are. And Father loves you. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you and He loves you.
K :)

Mum

So as you know mum came yesterday.
And it feels so good to have her here.
Kind of safe.
And it feels wonderful to go to work today knowing she is there and she is waiting for me.
And to know that Ester is ok with that. :) She told mum just before her departure that its ok that you go, coz you will be back to me, but Kirsi needs you as well.
So there we go. :)

Me, shy???

"Its all ab communication. Ive complained that I dunno a lot of ppl in Bala, well, girl, JUST start talking to people coz they DO talk back! :D Had a really good random chat with a local today and was encouraged. ;) +all you gotta do is say your name means CHERRY and ure from Estonia and all of a sudden they´re interested..."

I just realized something. I think Im afraid of people. Dont laugh. Im being serious. Yep, me. Im afraid of new people. Not the ones that I know already. Im talking about people I dont know. Like talking to strangers for example. Its starting to change, but VERY slowly. I have had quite a few chats over the last weeks with random people, but it takes a whole piece out from me to do that. Its like crazy, how can I do that, go and just talk to them. And yet they are interested in me. ME, Kirsi. They are interested about my country, about what Im doing here, what I wanna do next. And Im afrad that I have nothing to offer. Afraid that I dont have anything cool to say about myself, that Im boring. Like seriously? I have a fear.

And yet. I have so much to offer. I am loved by my heavenly Father. And I am not boring. I know Im not. Heck. Im so interesting, haha... :D I can sing, paint, draw (maybe), bake, cook, clean, smile, write, sometimes I can be very funny (jup, I hope so at least...). So Im gonna try and test this "new" revelation. Like talking to strangers. :D

Sitting by the big window where I can see our amazing lake with a splash of pink sky today, with a cup of black tea+milk in my hands, I feel good. This morning has been slow but so peaceful, so quiet. Im about to start working in 5 minutes so Im trying to savor that moment, to memorize it the way it is. Beautiful, slow, peaceful, lovely.
Mum comes tomorrow. Another beautiful moment to look forward to. I feel blessed.
Even when things get hard, rough sometimes, I am blessed. Beyond words. With friends, family, scenery, God, music, food, work, warm bed...

7am

320

Tonight Im staying in our B&B. It feels kind of strange to stay here for the night but we really have no other choice... ;) The carpets at our new flat were waxed today and we cant walk on them for 2 days or something so we, girls, are staying here. I dont mind. I have a beautiful room with a big big bed and my own bathroom which reminds me I get to have a bath tonight, OH am I smiling now or not? You bet I am... :) :) Big grin!
Mum is coming in 3 days and as it turned out my aunt as well, so its like 2 in 1!
Hugshugshugshugs

Hey YOU!

...

Who hasnt read my story yet, PLEASE DO:
http://virsika.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-story.html
And the story of my family:
http://virsika.blogspot.com/2011/03/story-of-my-family_03.html
Hugs.
Be blessed today.
Under His wings and Favor.

After taking a stand that these headaches dont belong to me they seem to be going worse and worse. So Im takin a new stand. IM NOT GONNA believe the lies and I know that healing belongs to me.

Day 317 (I think)

A week more and my mum is here. I got her a good room here, with a bath and a big bed and a view to the lake, so she could just relax and enjoy her time and space. ;) Nice.
I got my first 8 hours of sleep in this flat. Its been a long time and I needed it so bad. Happy!
I have been working the last few days. Y-day was especially hard. Well, I had to cook breakfast for 14 people and 10 of them were a group so they were there in a same time. :D And because they were late basically it was 14 in a same time. But I did it. And all the plates came back empty. So pleasing to see your cooking is getting better and better. And I know its only bacon, 4 different kind of eggs, mushroom, beans, pancakes etc. But its still cooking. I mean I have never minded cooking for my own family at home, but this is different. They are all people I dont know and I cant just mess up and say, hey Im sorry. :D This is work. But Im getting better and more patient with myself.
So what else. Sometimes my head is so empty I cant squeese nothing out. I better stop otherwise I will make no sense.
Hey write to me, let me know how are you, what you´re up to... Id like to know, Id like to hear from you... Ok? Deal! ;)
Huggs, K

Ehmodcbhjxnhj

Well.
Im ddddooowwwwn. Im tired. I cant sleep in this new flat. I go to bed and I just turn and toss and toss and turn and it takes me at least an hour to get sleep and then I wake up at least 1-2 times during the night and then Im up-up like at 6 or 7am. Now seriously? Can a room next to the main-street really affect me so much? I guess so. And at the weekends the sounds from outside are just unbearable. So I keep stuffing my ears with earplugs. And ok. Im also a bit in a complaining-mood or something like that.
Oh and we people, we are just so freaking weird that Im bothered by it. Like I cut my hair 2 days ago and the amount of attention I recieved was just over the moon. And now, 2 days later, Im craving for more, more, more, more. Like a parasite. Always wanting more. Now whats with that? Oh man, its like an endless cycle we live in. I want to step out from that train and for once be satisfied with the world. With me. With my hair. With my body. With or without compliments and attention. Im just totally all over the place. Forgive me. Not. :)
Oh and by the talks yesterday my future is decided as well. I will move to a mansion in a big forest, have a very hairy husband and kids who are hairy as well and my husband will sing all the sweet squirrels to me and the house is gonna be inside a big cage so the squirrels couldnt escape. Pu-rr-fect. Now, joke or not, its a serious business. The husband-thingy. Im a single woman, 24-soon-to-be-25. HAHA. Ok now you can laugh out loud. Its permitted. Youve got my promission.
Anyway. Im tired. oh I already told that one right?
I did some painting today. Tested my skills. Let me say it like this. ITS SO COOL. The pics are not so good, but I havent hold a brush in my hands for ages. So I tested som colours and patterns. Maybe Ill do some serious business another day. Bits and pieces of diff things. Ive got all the time in the world. ;)
Mum is coming in a week. Now thats sweet.

Who´s that girl?

So you know. This feeling of a change coming. But not realizing that the change comes sooner then you think. Walking past this place about 4-5 times in the last 2 days not daring to walk in. Going back home. Sitting down with your tea. Leaving your tea behind, going out again. Arriving to the place and finally asking when can I come. After her answer that she is available the same evening, freaking out but still going for it. Leaving home 6.50 pm terrified but certain that nothing´s gonna hold you back anymore. So I did it. And I feel wonderful. I feel like a new woman. A woman who is actually turning 25 not 15. It feels amazing. And honestly I didnt tell anyone about this decision and I dont know; there are probably some out there who hate my decision. And its ok. COZ I LOVE IT!!!!!! :)

And I did something else. When I was 17 I had my navel pierced. Yes. It might sound strange that me, Kirsi had a piercing like that. But I somehow had to do it. It gave me a new identity that only I knew about. Of c in a summer-time others saw it as well but I felt that it made me more beautiful (which is not a truth). It was a time of me struggling with eating-disorder. Me trying to find out who I really am. So a week ago or so I just stood in front of a mirror and I took it off and havent put it back. And never gonna. Things are changing in me. I feel it somehow ended something for me. And again - it feels like a huge burden was taken away from me. A burden to melt in with all the "thin" "pretty" girls. I am no beib. I am me, Kirsi. With my faults and stuff. And I am learning to love my body, learning to love me the way I am.

e d e v

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

This scripture has encouraged me big time. Hope it does the same to you!
Love.

A little glympse.

Time for a little truth.
So.
As you all know I came to Bala for 6 months and slowly it has turned out to be 10 months by now.
I have no idea where I am heading and what is my next step in this crazy life.
And I am sorry that I havent come back yet. I wish things would be a bit different.
I just dont know where should I go.
Or what should I do.
So I am here.
I still love it here and probably I will always consider Bala and the people here as my home and family.
But I know the time will come when Im gonna move on.
And Im being about 100% honest here when I say I dont know how long Im staying to work in a B&B.
And 100% honest when I say that I dont know if Im coming back to Estonia this year.
So there we go.
I am also just a girl in a big wide world. With pretty big dreams. And hopes. And I love being 24 years old. Just saying. Its not that Im totally doing nothing important in my life.
Im just seeking and hoping that I will never let go of my Dad´s hand.
...

Päev 305

I have these random thoughts goin on today (like thats an exception, haha).
Im sitting in a local pub.
There is this weird guy making horrible sounds in the back room. I dare not look.
I-a is sitting across the table rolling her eyes on him. I agree.
Anyway. The tea is cold already. I need lunch soon.
We still dont have internet.
Thats why Im here.
Cool.
Random.
I like random. I bet you too.
I cant wait my mum to come here. It will be so exciting. I pray to God the weather improves and we could have some long nice walks with her, maybe go to beach etc. Maybe a castle or two?
And some other thoughts are trying to push through. Not so nice ones.
Like Im a loser. So here I go. I publicly want to announce Im thinking bad thoughts. But hey, did you know that its not my own thoughts. Someone is trying to push me down lately. And with not so great thoughts about me. That nobody wants me, nor likes me. Again NOT true. I know its not because the people who actually are my friends love me. So I also want to believe that when I meet HIM one day... Ok Im not going there not going going.
Random.
Is sometimes.
Good.
Coz I dont know why but it makes me see the truth and abandon the lies. If not for forever then at least for the day. And here I am, living in a day, not in tomorrow. Trying, going on.
Ok giving up, this sound from that weird guy is jusy horrible. Pcking my stuff and going to go and have a decent lunch somewhere. :D
Love.
Me.

Ill end with this little thought from my friend which I think is absolutely beautiful:
"Life's too short..So take a moment. Look around you and cherish what you have! You probably have more than you think. Don’t complain too much..if you don’t have something…some people don’t have anything! If there’s someone you care about, let them know that. Write letters(real ones) to your friends, tell them how much they mean to you. Spend time with your family, yeah we all say at one point in ...our lives: “I hate my parents..or siblings..they’re so annoying.” But take a moment and think, what if they’re not there tomorrow. Would you be able to live..to breathe without them?! If there’s someone who supported you when you were struggling, say thank you to them. Maybe you felt alone at some point and there was someone who lifted your spirit. So say thank you!! Cause the truth is..so much can happen in a single day..in a moment. Spread some love and truly cherish the life around you! I love you!♥"

tetetea

Tea-time.
I have a little break at the moment. Its a Beautiful Monday outside and I have to work. No problem, coz I get to enjoy the sunshine inside. Its unnormally cold in Bala, Im not used to this but hey, winter winter winter.
So since we moved to a new flat Im not sure when we will have Internet there, so Im not gonna make any big posts meanwhile. I know you are already missing me, am I right? :)
But one great great news is that my precious mum is gonna come to Bala. Not telling you the dates or anything, but I booked her flights. So happy and pleased, mum is gonna have a little rest here and I get to spoil her. How good is that?
:)

299

Somehow I cant get these ideas off from my mind, so I better write them down. Maybe they are for you. If not then just forget what I wrote. :) I know you´ll still love me.
So, Ive been wondering and come up with a few things.
You know, the dreams you dream? Yes you know them, Im sure by the time you read the word "dream" you already got an idea or a thought or some picture of something. Like for me this word brings a lot of stuff in my mind to do with worship, with music, singing, playing etc.
But what is it with dreaming? Are they God-given? Why do we dream? Is it for some reason? YES IT IS. I believe once we start to know who we are, and what we are made for. Well, I am my FATHERS daugher and made for a relationship with Him. So what I think is that the dreams are from our Father. Because He has put music in me. Big time. And at one point I stopped dreaming coz I was so afraid. Not that Im not now. I still am. But because I believe the dreams are from God then I also know He is gonna find a way to lead me to it. I believe He is preparing me right now. But its not only the result that matters but also the preparation. Coz can you imagine living in constant fear of future? Instead of enjoying the present you just cant wait to see the years in front.
So I think 2 things are important. One - to believe your dreams, to keep dreaming, to keep hoping, to believeing that Father knows the perfect plan. Two - to also enjoy the present, to see this time as an important time.
And in a way, heck, I am already doing what I love. I get to worship, sing, I get to play a bit of a guitar. Seriously? 6 months ago I would have laughed at everyone who would have said that Kirsi, you´ll be playing a guitar soon. Like Sarah in the Bible when God told her she will be carrying a baby. I wouldnt have believed it. And here I am, playing quite a good amount and may I say that what I hear is not bad at all. (:
So there you go - dare to dream. And dare to act if the door opens, dont think that your Father is a small Father. He will be there, pushing you Gently and with love.
Just like He usually does. With L O V E.

K

298

This lady here went bowling yesterday...

But other then that --> moving moving moving.
We´re moving to a new flat this week.
The big news.
The end.

Tere

Mina siin.

294

Here I am and here you are. And I am writing and you´re reading. Makes sense huh?
Ok, I am back. Back to Bala. It was a crazy 2 weeks for me in Estonia. I rested and chillaxed and ate some good food, tons of bread for example. :)
A little summary of what I did:
On a 24th of December had a Christmas-party with all the relatives that were around
Practised guitar on a same day with Margus for 5-6 hours, maybe more
Went to Saaremaa for 3 days, saw some friends, relatives, drove a car after 1,5 years of break and it felt just amazing
Went to Tartu and saw my best girls, enjoyed every second and moment with them
Saw Sherlock Holmes and Jane Eyre
Fooled around until I cry-laughed
Went back home for 2 days, spent some time with mum, dad & Ester
Had a little worship-prayer-fellowship
Came back to Bala

Ok, this was just a short review of my good time at home. Of course there can be always things that try to ruin your mood and your heart, but the important thing is to see the positive and the good stuff is always there, just open your eyes. :)
And now Im back to Bala. I thought I have slept enough but Im still sleeping so much. I just woke up, 10 hours of sleep??? Me? Sleeping 10 hours??? After a holiday???!!! :D

Let the New Year bring peace into my heart and yours.
May you decisions be made with God, with your Father.
See His love in little things.
You dont have to look for big miracles to realize He is with you. Look at the sky f.e. Its changing colour all the time. Just another kiss.
Recieve His kisses and gifts.
Dont waste your time for being angry and jelaous. There will ALWAYS be people who have more and who are more talented. But you have your own gifts and anyway, who is the one who measures? We are. We measure each other by our talents and how wrong is that?
Let God measure you and tell you how worthy you are.
Let God tell you how beautiful...
...or handsome you are.
Not the world.
Coz the world measures with words like sexy and hot.
Which is not bad, but it has been made bad.
So there you go.
Enjoy 2012.
Lets celebrate and breath it in with its new opportonities and doors.
:) K

My little monsters.

Do you have these friends in your life that are always there for you no matter how far they are. No matter how little you actually meet. No matter how different you are.
I have a few. And I am so happy I dont have many many.
Because they are my heart & soul-friends. They are angels in my life. And they are always in my heart. So deep. They are rooted there.
I had the best 4 days ever. It was just so wonderful to be with these angels (haha, more like little monsters, but hey) and to actually see that no time, no distance, nothing can seperate our friendship.
I love them.
Thank you for spending your time with me.
For sharing your life with me.
And bed.
;)