It is time.

Its time for me to share the best love story I have witnessed this year!
The story of my grandpa and his fiance. Yes, you heard me right. My grandpa has a fiance. And she is such a sweetheart, I met her yesterday for the first time.
But back to the beginning, I don't want to run ahead of my story here (oh impatient me I know)...

So as you all probably know I lived abroad for some time and I missed out quite a bit that was going on at home but this change was impossible not to notice. So somewhere during Christmastime last year I was visiting home. And as usual there were some messy things going on. Since grandpa had to live at our place he didn't make life easy for my parents. I have never really gotten along with him. He was always the crazy moody one who had to be right in everything. He received Christ about 8-9 years ago after grandma died but some things in his heart were very broken and he had no idea how to love. He had never shown love to my mum and not to mention us. So he was a bitter old man who had bad health-problems. I'm not saying I didn't love him, it was just hard. I didn't want to be home when he was there coz of his temper and quick word. But it was my home so I still went there as much as I could... But this Christmas especially was hard. Coz he was feeling rather sick and he didn't want to talk to us that much and stayed in his room most of the time.. Anyway I was glad to go back to Wales after 2 weeks at home...
The next time I was in Estonia was a few months after Christmas and I didn't see my grandpa but something had changed. Mum said it was easier with him as though his hard heart had started to open up to love... I didn't really want to believe it but hey... if she said so then maybe something was really changing.
So when I finally moved back to Estonia in May I almost couldn't believe my eyes. Grandpa was so happy to see me (tears in his eyes etc.) and he had some sort of strange peace about him... So when I asked what had happened it was as if God had turned his heart upside down. I don't even know how to write it all down. Seriously.
And then I heard the most shocking news. Grandpa had had a phone-call from a lady. And that lady turned out to be his first love. They were 15 and 16 and they had been so in love until someone decided to spread rumors about my grandpa and she turned him down. Big time. Grandpa had proposed her twice and she just turned him down. And the bitterness in him was just so ugly and big that when she called him the first time he just screamed at her and told all kinds of bad things that needed to come out. She had cried for a week and then called again. This time grandpa talked. And listened. And then he called her. And she called him. For weeks. So they decided to meet up. In Saaremaa (the biggest island here and also the birth-place for both him and my mum). After a week with her grandpa came back home. And he couldn't stop speaking. He told me that when he put his arms around her for the first time it was as if a fire went on inside him. And he just didnt let go anymore. So he visited her for a few more times. And now a few weeks back grandpa proposed Ellen and in September 15th 2012 they are getting married.

Seriously. Did you just read what I wrote? My grandpa who is 74 years old is getting married to this wonderful island-woman Ellen who will be 73 soon. I visited them yesterday. Uh grandpa is so in love. So in love that whatever other topic we tried to talk on he just didn't listen. He kept on talking about the wedding and  her. This is love.
And another thing I didn't share is that when she first called him she didn't know who she is calling to. Someone had given her a number and told her that she HAS to call that number. So she did. And it was my grandpa.

NOW THAT'S A LOVE-STORY.
Only God can bring two people back together. There are NO coincidences in life. But there is grace and 2nd chances. There is hope and future for everyone. Hold on. Let go of your own and LET GOD. :)
Grandpa´s health has improved tremendously and he is happy. He has God and he has a fiance. He knows he doesn't have tons of time so he is taking everything out of life he can now. And seeing them just gives me so much. Dreams, hope... Father knows our desires and He gives us what we need and dream of.

So there you go. The story of love.
Fin.

very meny love

So I wanted to write a part II to my LV-story but I think it will not happen coz so many things are going on in my life right now that its hard to find time for a long entry. But I will write about some other things probably mixed with Latvia-emotions... :)
First I want to say that this summer has been crazy. I was going through my diary y.day and counted together the times I needed to pack to go to somewhere, I got about 9 times (and I didnt count my 1-day trips and they were many as well). Seriously, I feel like I live on my suitcase and the thing is I LOVE IT. I love going and meeting new people, sharing love and sharing faith and hope with them. Sharing my life and seeing hearts changed. I love singing, worshiping... Somehow I have found new passions. And music will always be one of my biggest dreams and passions but new things are opening up in my heart and it is beautiful. Really.
So today Im leaving to go to Saaremaa. We have 3 events in 4 days and its gonna be busybusy. First Father´s Heart Conference (it will be awsumm), then our mother´s side relatives will gather (first time ever), and on Monday my mum+dad are getting remarried. First time with a pastor and whoah, the story is just too beautiful. I was making a slide-show for them last night reflecting back to the years we have gone through and its just amazing. I am thankful and I am blessed. And we live under His favor and mercy.
So after all this we will come back for a few days to Türi and then off we go again. To the Methodist camp. Our group will lead some sessions and worship. :) It will be so good to do that, coz Ive never led a worhsip in a camp and in a Methodist camp. Seriously? How cool is that, huh?

So these will be my next 2 weeks. What will happen after that, who knows. Well, Father knows but as for me, I have no idea... I have dreams which have decided not to leave me (haha) and I have a future in which Im sure of, but knowing, naah! (: Thats my life, what can one do but trust. I tell you its not always easy. I find myself so often doubting and living in fear and in pain... In a fear of what will happen if, what will I do and how, but I dont want to let my heart be troubled.

So there we go.
Very meny love from me.

...

I just want to share something my new friend told me before I write a part II to my camp-story! So here we go:
"And take this as a compliment please - for your age I feel that you are more like us - teenagers, not because of your attitude or immaturance, but because you are so nice and opened to everybody, that brakes the bordes age usualy puts on people..I think thats the real reason so many people couldn't believe your age.
U didn't put yourself above anybody because of your age, and that was really nice.."

So why am I sharing this here. Because it finally made some sense to me why people continually think Im 17-19 years old. :) Thank you my friend and I hope you dont mind me sharing this publicly!

One Way Part I

So the long lost Eesti-girl is back. I had the best internet-fast ever. 9 days without no connection to the world and it was great. I was 100% devoted to this camp and that was why I went to Latvia. Oh where do I even start. There is so very meny (inside joke) I want to share with you that... oi-oi-oi! :)
Ill start from the very first day. I left on Saturday, the 4th of August (and came back on the 12th). Had to take a bus from Pärnu and I knew there will be someone picking me up from Riga. I love Riga bus-station. There is something cozy about this place. I know many will think now Im strange but the thing is that its ok coz I am strange in my very cherry-way! ;)
Met Andra and from there on my adventures began. She is such a sweetheart and I think it was no coincidence that she picked me up coz we also ended up sharing a room together! :)
Anyway, back to day nr.1. So as I said I had no idea where Im going and what is waiting for me at the camp-place. So when we finally made it there, I had the worst doubts ever. I was like, what the heck am I doing here. I didnt know anyone, I was the only Estonian and I was put to clean the place straight away. Oh me and my attitude. :D
So I remember sitting on my bed the first night and writing in my diary that I wanna go home (seriously?)... The cabins were small, and I found out that I was also suppose to be one of the small-group leaders. Which didnt make me happy at all coz Im not good with kids. At least I thought so. But God has its own ways.
Yes. So the next day was also a preparation day. Tons of cleaning and getting the place ready for kids. But I woke up with a different feeling somehow. I was beginning to feel better. But I was still grumpy inside asking myself what am I doing there...
As I was so selfish I didnt even notice the people the first day. I was like, Im gonna do it but its hard... On Monday when the kids arrived, something changed. It was as if God told me that Im not there for myself, but for the kids. That Im there to give out, to be challenged and molded and to be an encouragement to others. I started to connect with the team and I felt part of them. As an only Estonian they started calling me cherry or the Eesti-girl! :) And of course since it was an English camp there was also a group from the UK! YAY, that was the biggest blessing ever.
So as I started to see things in brighter colors I realized that its so not about me and my big ego. I thought Im gonna go and make a change, but I also started to see a change in me. Its so hard to explain what I was experiencing.
During the week I shared my story with many. I went to girls and told them what I believed God asked me to tell them. And it was so beautiful. SO precious to see these girls opening up like flowers and I know that even though its only a small seed, it will GROW and it will leave a mark in them. I met so wonderful people. People that I can and will call my family. The team for the camp was quite big (I think 40-50 people, dont really know anymore) and what an amazing heart each and every one of them had. So serving and loving, giving and expecting nothing back. I saw people who gave out so much, who didnt sleep coz things needed to be done, who served!
I laughed, shared, worshiped, sang, encouraged, jumped, ran, talked, cried, played games... I was me. I was  just me and that was enough.
And I also want to share what happened to me there personally. So on the third day Rebeka (the BOSS) came and asked if Id like to lead worship for the team only on the next day (we had 8am meetings each morning for the team)... And I was like, I cant do this. I cant play and sing at the same time, Ill just loose it and I dont know and plaplapla but something inside me was telling me to do it, to go for it... So I printed some songs out and decided to practice for a few hours that day. Which I did. The next morning I thought Im ready... But then God decided to intervene and take over. Which He did. And I have to say I havent experienced such freedom in worship for a long long time. I actually led worship with a guitar. And it was AWESOME. So yes. I can do as much as I want, but where the Spirit of the Lord is there is Freedom. ;)

Coming back home was the hardest part. I kind of left a piece of my heart there. To Latvia-land. Yes. I cried, girls cried, boys didnt cry (haha) but I had to come back. I have so many things happening in the coming 2 weeks I have stopped counting. :)

I think I will share a few more things another day. Im too tired to think anymore...
Nu labi.
Love, cherry

Just a little glimpse of my last 9 days...

My very precious new friend. :)

So basically I haven't been doing much in the last 2 days. Organizing my next month activities, sunbathing, eating candy and ice cream, cleaning the apartment, looking at some stuff, dreaming, sleeping, walking, visiting relatives... Its been quiet and much needed time actually. After the rally of packing, unpacking, going and coming its nice not to go anywhere for a week. It all starts again in a few days when Im gonna pack for Latvia (which is not 100% sure yet)... But until then just nice relaxing... Like playing my guitar and painting my nails. :D
But what I really wanted to say is that I feel so blessed. I went for a long walk today (which I do a lot lately, maybe just trying to stay fit unconsciously) and was just reflecting back to a few things in my life. Like today f.e. I received the sweetest little package from a friend far away. With the perfect nail-polish. And the funniest thing is that I have just so started to LOVE nail-polishes, I mean I have always loved girly stuff but lately all I do is change color so it was like a gift from Daddy! :) And its deep red - just my color! :) So as I was walking I felt so thankful. So loved and it was as if Father was telling me - "I love you girl. You can be as girly as you want AND I LOVE YOU. You are lovable and beautiful. And I want you to know it so I have surrounded you with people who will show it  to you." HECK, really Dad? I mean He even cares about my nails...
Which reminds me another story my mum told me a few months ago... She really needed a manicure and she didnt have money for that. The next moment someone handed her an envelope with exactly the amount of money she needed and she could use it for that. Isnt it wonderful how HE cares about the smallest details. He loves femininity. He loves all the smuchy-gushy-shushy-stuff that we women love. He loves seeing me in a red dress being beautiful and all. He even likes when I wear a little make-up. Yep. And oh man. Being feminine is the most precious thing ever. I have so started to like dresses and skirts and red lips and pink toe-nails... haha. You can laugh with me and over me but Im telling you there is something about being a little girl all over again. For some its purple hair and colorful clothes. For some its deep red lips. For some heels. And Im telling you now - its OK to like all that stuff... :)
Uh Im really happy. I love that I can discover that side because I have somehow been afraid of it. Like I mean I always wear my "every-day-normal-clothes" and keep the nice stuff for "special occasions". Well, and for what? Why? Some deeper fear that people would notice me then? :)
Yesterday as I was walking (more like running-walking, haha) someone behind me blew the horn for me and at first I was a bit upset and then something inside of me said that heck, its alright. I do have a nice butt and why should I be ashamed. :D haha, these are my exact thoughts. I wanted to be angry and I wanted to show my middle finger (good little Kirsi, haha), but as I kept on walking I realized that of course I dont want men to see me as a sex-object BUT I cant hide. I cant wear buttoned-up shirts and long trousers all the time. I am who I am and I mean, Im never gonna start showing off my body BUT I can be a woman. I can be feminine. And I can actually like attention. It is not bad. Yeah blabla there are different kind of attentions. And prob the horn-blowers weren't with the best motives. But I will take it as a compliment. :D

Ok I need to stop. Do you own conclusions and... have a nice evening. ;) hehe

Yesterday was absolutely amazing. Evelin is married to Benjamin now and I have to say it was one heck of a weather for that wedding. I think it was way over 30 degrees most of the day and all I did was drink-drink-drink. The only comfort was that everybody else sweated with me! :D
But yes. Im so happy I was a part of their day and I could rejoice with them.

So congratulation to BenEvelin. You´re wonderful! :)

It is time to celebrate. and rejoice. because it is never the time NOT to! :)

Going to Tartu today. I think my packing and unpacking never ends. And its ok. Because it makes me happy  to go and it makes me happy to meet new people and old friends. I think the hardest part is staying every night in a different bed but mostly travelling is something I absolutely love.
So have a very blessed and crazy-God-loving-amazing-beautiful-full of surprises-weekend everybody! :) Im going to a wedding! ;)

Absolutely beautiful little tiger-eyes

Double Double

I have to write it down otherwise the raw emotions I have right now will not be the same later.
***
This week.
Was absolutely.
Incredible.
I have been to so many FatherHeart Schools before. I cant count anymore. I have heard about His love. I have experienced it. But to actually hear Him speak to you so clear about so many things. Its as if somehow He knew you have felt so invisible and so alone. And its as if He knew you needed a reminder of how precious and valuable you are. And He didnt pass by. He came straight to YOU!
I wont share the details because so many things were personal. But what I can say that maybe for the first time ever I am going to stop focusing on the wrong things. And Im going to start focusing on Him loving me. Im going to focus on my Father and I know that Ill know soon what is my next step. But heck, it doesnt somehow matter so much anymore. It just doesnt.
I met wonderful people. But a part of me is happy I didnt have any close friends there with me so I could put my focus on the teachings and God my Daddy! I shared my heart with some new people. And Im just so amazed how many beautiful people there are in this world. Everyone I meet is so unique and beautiful in their own way. And whoah, what stories everyone have. Im thankfulthankfulthankful! I think I need to stop now. Im not gonna make this post too long.
Just to say that stop chasing after the wrong things. Let your FATHER love you and He will let you do what your heart desires.

I just realized how much I love the little name of my blog! "...on a journey." Whoah. I think its prophetic. Seriously. I think God knew when I put that name what its gonna mean to me. He knew that this girl is gonna be on a journey all her life and He liked it. He liked it because to be on a journey with Him is the best thing ever. To be loved by Him. To be held by Him. Kissed by Him. To know that He is all that matters. Whoah. To be a little girl again. In His arms. To really trust Him.
Have you tried? I mean have you really trusted Him? Your Father. Because yesterday... when I was lying on a floor and talking to Him I realized that I can. I can tell Him my dreams and hurts and hopes and stuff. Because He cares.
Because He is love.
And Love never fails.
Which means God never fails.
Daddy. My Daddy.
The best place to be. In His arms. So safe and so free.
So I am on a journey. Every day of my life. Im on a journey. And it feels good.

To show your love to someone is not hard at all.
Little simple things.
Like forest-strawberries!

Just a little...

...update.
So I was in Saaremaa for the weekend and it was absolutely the best 4 days. God did so much and I felt such freedom during my time there. New joy, new word for my life and new friends (+old friends ofc)... Im not going into details but it was just great! :)
Actually this summer feels as though all Ive been doing is packing and unpacking. Going and coming. And its a blessing actually. I have been more then blessed. I know my Daddy is so BIG and so caring. He has provided and I haven't lacked anything. I have all I need and more! Thats my Dad!
So tomorrow Im leaving again. Going to Finland, B-school. Cant wait to see my friends and cant wait to meet God! :) So precious. Someone just decided to pay for me (no names given so all I can do is be thankful) and I can go. I guess its my time now. Thankful, so very thankful.
Then after that I think Im gonna make a short trip to Latvia and then after that Saaremaa again. We´re gonna have a Father´s Heart Conference and then my mum+dad are celebrating their 25 years of marriage and then some other stuff. Its gonna be the busiest 4 days of this summer probably. After that Im gonna go to another camp, lead worship. Uh full summer. So very full and so very good! :)
So there´s my little update! :)

Home

When you know someone for 20 years its as if you have known them forever. Friendship with Liisi has been like that. I grew up with that girl and now 20 years later since we first met its as if I have known her all my life... She is incredably beautiful and talented and to really know her heart you have to spend time with her.
But Im thankful. That I still have her in my life and that everytime I visit this precious home, its like my home too... :) So very thankful for that friendship!!!!

Saaremaa

Morning. Im about to leave the house in half´n´hour but Im just writing a little note saying that I love Saaremaa. I love the family Im staying with and the beautiful island... I grew up here and I love the fact that everytime I come back its like coming home...Im not afraid to be me here. Im giving all of myself and Im receiving even more. Its as if I can be Kirsika here and Im accepted. And the family Im with, they are so full of Father´s love and it just shines out and I feel as though Im getting infected. Its so beautiful and refreshing.
I have been able to receive and give and Ive been able to just be.
Rest and also walk and talk and enjoy...
My Saareemaa! :)

...just a spoonful of sugar

Being sick sucks. I dont like that I have to carry a toilet-paper roll around with me all the time and I dont like the fact that I dont have any medicine at home. So Im kind of trying to figure out different ways to treat myself... Like putting honey inside my nose and rubbing aloe gel all around my face, haha... And of course I dont like to sit around the house waiting when it leaves my body. So I went out yesterday night for a fresh air boom and I got a little more cold. Gotta love it. At least I got some gorgeous pictures. Like the song goes "Just a spoonful of sugar makes a medicine down in the most delightful way"...
;)

Strawberries

It is time. To make strawberry jam and take sun and swim in the sea or lake... It is that time of the year. And I know that it is also "the time" to reflect back on the things and wait for the new things. But also to live in the present and enjoy the season.
So it is time...

Sometimes we have to do things the hard way.
Coz thats when we will learn new things.
And thats how we will develop new skills. ;)

I wonder

What if Im being prepared for something so big my mind cant grasp it? What if God is doing something so wonderful behind the scenes that it takes a little bit longer for me to reach there and see it...
What if...

What if Im just being very impatient with God? And what if He really wants me to wait a while longer?

I think that my life has been one crazy adventure. Going. Coming. Packing. Unpacking. Sleeping in hundreds of different beds. Seriously in the last week only I have been sleeping in 4 different beds. Not to mention the places and people I have met... Its as if something is going on in my life.
I have been influenced by so many and I have been able to share my story with so many in the last week. Its been so encouraging to see that my story has such a big welcome among the people. Among young women. Girls who need this story to see the light.
I love God. I love how He works...
Sometimes I just wish, ok, again my impatience comes in here... I wish that I could just SEE and DO things straight away. Without the waiting period. Hhaa. Its as if this sentence : "I want patience and I WANT IT NOW" really has a meaning... ;)

I wonder how much my heavenly Father loves me. I wonder how much LOVE He has for you because I mean if He is love then heck, He must have a lot!
If there is something I wish then it is this: I wish that I can wait until it comes whatever Father has for me. That I wouldn't make any stupid decisions because of my "I WANT IT NOW".  (Just an example: I want a baby-I reallyreally do, but I would not just make a baby with someone because I WANT IT, I am willing to wait until it is time for a baby - now you know my secret coz really, I want a baby!).
...
So but back to reality. Here I am, covered with spots of white all over my hands and legs and Im tired. I had a long work-day, painting tons of wood. Im still in Finland and not sure yet when its time to go home. Im am doing alright, I am actually doing pretty good. So... As we say it: "All is Well"

Moi

No mitä kuulu?
Ive been in Finland since Wednesday last week and had the most unexpected but most welcomed internet-fast for 5 days. The first day of the camp, more precisely the first hour of the camp I was like, WHY did I come. Haha, no internet, no phone-connection, no friends, no shower-possibility-only sauna, toilet outside, no proper food, no room for me really and then things slowly started to change. I felt as though in my heart I needed to make a decision. Either to be positive and accept things or behave like a teenager who is never happy with anything. So I made a decision. And suddenly everything seemed ok.
The camp was awesome. I met so many wonderful people. I was encouraged by so many and I had the most precious one-on-one time with a few of them. The worship on the last evening took my breath away and I stayed in the presence of God for 4 hours at least, we just couldnt leave the room coz it was so tangible. Father definitely turned up during these 5 days of the camp. I dont even want to go into details but it was pretty awesome. I felt as though a few dreams in my heart were set on fire again. :)
And the kids. Uh. I tell you. There is something going on in my heart when it comes to little ones. I was just so surprised how well I tolerated the little boys and girls. More than tolerated. I adored them. One small boy especially wanted to cuddle me and kiss me and called me Kirsikka all the time and at one moment looked at me and said: "Sul on Kirsikka-väri tukka" (it kind of means that I even have cherry-colored hair)... And another small one, I can still smell him when I close my eyes. The fragrance of a 2-year-old. Oh curly hair and these eyes and smiles... (On a picture Im with him).

Anyway going back to business. I am in Finland for a week or so more and then back to Estonia I think. Gonna do a little work here and there and I dont really know my next plans yet but Im not worried too much. Not yet. ;)

After

After a death like this you realize how important people, friends, family, your close ones, really are. You realize how much you actually love them and want them near. The thing is my heart aches. I never had a chance to tell him how important he was. How much our friendship meant to me. And how happy I was to know him. I know that writing it all down helps but it doesn't bring him back. What helps is knowing he is safe with my Father in Heaven.

I didn't have a chance to even tell you about my day with Ester coz everything else happened and it was more important at the moment. But I wanna share about that as well.
So on Monday I took my little sis to Tartu coz I really wanted a day out with her. So we went by bus and when we arrived we went to a cafe and then to the cinema. Madagaskar III it was with some weird 3D glasses, uh. I dont get that but anyway Ester loved it even though in the middle of the movie she suddenly realized how much she needs to pee. I didnt let her. :D
Later I took her to eat ice cream in a cafe and on our way back she fell a sleep on my lap. Was a great day with her. She was such an angel all day long. Doesnt happen very often. ;)

Now Im on my way to Finland. Mum+Dad+Ester and a few others. Some sort of camp I promised to help at and then later a little work somewhere with dad. We will see what happens after that. Im off now.

My friend. R.I.P.

The best way to remember a friend who has passed away is to think back to the good memories. The fun shared, the joy in their eyes, the smiles, the jokes...
When I think of Phil I remember how he visited me in Estonia (well, actually it was his second mission trip to EST but still) and my city, how the guys took him to sauna and convinced him that he has to make a move on me so he did and I told him off gently. Makes me smile :) How he brought me a scarf from India and I still wear it, it is my favorite of all the others ever... And I will wear it always thinking of him.
How he sent me to the train-station and waved at me until the train was far far away. And when I think of Phil I remember how I first met him in a small gathering many years ago where a pig was roasted and a friendly face came to introduce himself. And how a friendship came out of it that didn't die due to real letters we sent back and forth...

Phil you will be remembered with a good word and know that you are loved by your friends and family always.
RIP.

Real

Real relationships.
Real food.
Real love.
Real God.
Real faith.

We live in a world of fakes. We see fake relationships, fake food, fake love, fake God, fake faith everywhere. People are hurting people. And people are hurting themselves. People are believing wrong gods and eating fake food, food thats been poisoned by thousands of chemicals. And people think they have faith but all they have is false beliefs and gods. And that makes me sad.
Because Im one of them.
I have been involved with each of these. Making things into gods. Or having relationships that have no friendship for a base. Or eating food thats been bad for my body. And thinking I believe when I really dont.

I dont want that. I dont want any of that.
I want to have relationship where my friends really care for me and I know I can trust them.
I want to eat food thats not been through thousands of factories before it reaches my table.
I want to know what means to really love and be loved.
I want to believe in a God who is real. Who is who He is. God.
I want to have faith when everything else falls apart around me.
And if you look into your heart you know you want the same.
Coz your heart knows the truth.
Even if your mind doesnt.

Girls

Had an interesting evening with Ester. She posed for me like a little princess and I was forced to pose after her orders. It was fun but a little demanding (from her side - haha). Jup, Im training a little photographer here and its good coz she can learn new things, right??! ;)

Oh and thats suppose to be a new color in my hair but heck, nothing new happened. I guess not everyday is suppose to be a change-day! 

Labi, have a great Jaanipäev everybody and enjoy the new day coz its a day The Lord has made! ;)

Focus

Pull yourself together and move on. Self-pity is a dangerous place to linger at. It can make you sick, it can make you feel horrible and down. I had a long refreshing walk last night and after that felt tons better. Im still stuck and confused but I am not gonna let self-pity ruin anything.
I sent in my first CV ever yesterday. I have to say it took me a long long time to do it and when I finally e-mailed it, oh, it felt good. I know I might not get the job, but right now what matters is that Im not just waiting, but actually taking some actions. It might not be the answer and the right job but at least it forced me to finish my CV. :) Sometimes we need a push just like that. To think back at our lives and see the good in it, the bad, see the hand of our Father over our actions and doors that have been opened...
To see things in a new perspective. And see that life is not so bad as it seems sometimes. A bigger picture. Where we wont center around ourselves but put our focus and trust on God. Uh so often Im like, plaplapla, crying, and being miserable just because Im all about me me me me, forgetting about Love, forgetting about God, about His unconditional love for me and how much He wants to be involved in my life. And that my focus should be on Him and then the rest would be given to me.

Anyway. Be blessed on this beautiful Friday and never forget where your help comes from.

...

I had the weirdest day ever yesterday. Woke up, had to take mum to the dentist and then came back home and had a deep nap, was so tired suddenly. Then went to the countryside with my parents to help them but instead felt so bad that I just laid in my little sister´s tent and couldn't get up. We came home around 6 pm and then I went to bed and felt sick. Sick to my stomach and so again, fell a sleep. Woke up a couple of times but couldnt drag myself out from the bed and finally around 11pm went to sleep-sleep. Saw tons of strange dreams and had not so good night, basically was in bed 12 hours straight...

Anyway, I feel tons better today but still this weird feeling lingers over me, dont know what to do with that, hopefully it will pass and I have nothing to worry about.

Have no plans for today yet but probably gonna try to get a job and then go take some sun if my head allows me (oh forgot about the headache, on top of all the other stuff). 

A little bit different post then usually but hey, we all have our good days and bad days.

Kirsi

suvi

Maarja

Tahan Maarja auks ühe blogi siia kirjutada.
Olen viimasel ajal palju mõelnud selle peale, mida me peame tegema, mida me ei pea tegema, kuidas me peame kuhugi jõudma ja miks... Et kelle pärast me teeme seda, mida me teeme ja kuhu me üldse välja tahame jõuda ja kas me tahame?
Ok oli nüüd veidi segane eks. Vot nii segane on ka minu mõttemaailm viimasel ajal.
Sest kui midagi on mulle selgeks saanud, siis on see see:
Me peame asju enda pärast tegema. Maarja lõpetas just 9nda klassi. Ja ta tegi seda kas teadlikult või mitteteadlikult ENDA jaoks. Sellepärast, et temal on seda vaja. Mitte tema vanematel või sõpradel või sugulastel.
Ma tahan uskuda, et asjad, mida ma teen, ma teen enda jaoks.

Ja teine pool minust tahab uskuda, et me teeme asju ka teiste jaoks, teiste pärast. Ma ei käi tüdrukutele anoreksiast rääkimas ainult enda pärast, vaid eelkõige nende pärast. Et nemad leiaksid abi ja lohutust ja teadmist, et on võimalik ka teistmoodi.

Ma olen nii uhke, et Maarja kooli ära lõpetas, sest mingis mõttes on iga lõpp uus etapp meie elus. Ma tulin Walesist ära ja ma olen valmis ootama, sest ma ei taha kuhugile kiirustada ainult teiste pärast. Ma tahan jõuda punkti, kus ma tean, et see, mida ma järgmisena tegema hakkan, on õige. Ja on hea minu jaoks.
Elu ei ole ainult lilled ja uus kleit. Kuid see on oluline, et me tähistaksime, kui kellelgi läheb hästi. Ja Maarja sai hästi hakkama. Väga hästi ja selle eest olen ma tänulik! :) Ma olen õnnelik, kui mu sugulastel läheb hästi. Ja ma olen õnnelik koos nendega.

Ma tahan järgmise sammu teha nii, et ma tean, et ma tean, et ma tean, et see on õige. Ja ma ei kavatse selle pärast midagi teha, et seda OODATAKSE minust. Võibolla ma olen isekas, võibolla olen uhke. Ühte ma tean, ma teen seda enda pärast. :)

Well done, Maarja! :) Im proud of you!

Randid

Ma arvasin, et ma olen ainult natuke imelik, aga tuleb välja, et ma olen päris palju imelik. Kõndisin täna mööda Türi-Allikut ringi, et leida kohta, kus tekk maha visata ja natuke päikest võtta ja tulin sama targalt koju tagasi, sest igal pool olid mingi mehed ees ja noh ma siis ei hakanud. Igaks juhuks. Selle asemel läksin jooksma, ja lõpetasin kuskil lauda juures tantsimisega, sest nii hea muusika oli ipodi peal... Vot.
Selline hommik mul siis. A ja lähen vist varsti tagasi, tekk käes kohta otsima, sest mul on vaja need randid välja päevitada, mis mul lühikestest pükstest nüüd ametlikult on. Jess. ;)
Ütleme siis nii, et kui tahta, siis suudan küll end kätte võtta ja asjalik ka päeva jooksul olla, sest kodus olles võib mugavaks muutuda, kui tööd pole ja ainuke kohustus on Morri eest hoolt kanda ja kodu puhas hoida. Seega pean oma prioriteedid vist uuesti paika panema ja läbi mõtlema, et suvi niisama otsa ei saaks... (:
Ja hommikul sain oma pisikeselt nunnult umbes tuhat musi ja see tegi kõik palju paremaks. Homme saan teda päriselt ka juba kallistada!

Ja sa tule külla mulle, kui sul pole midagi teha, sest siis saame kahekesi mitte midagi teha. :D

Järg paar tundi hiljem:
Leidsin koha. Ja veel millise koha. Selja all olid mõnusad mullahunnikud ja meetri kõrgusel tiirlesid putukateparved, kes kõik mu kehast tahtsid osa saada, aga pidasin 1,5 tundi vastu. Ok, vbl natuke vähem, aga rante jäi vähemaks. See oligi mu eesmärk. Sain hakkama. Ja seda kohta ei tea keegi, ehk siis mind ei nähtud. Hihiihiii. :P

Vahel pead sa end pikali viskama ja maailma tagurpidi nägema. Üles taevasse vaatama ja uskuma. Usaldama, et kõik saab korda. Uskuma, et Taevane Issi on sinuga. Et Ta vaatab ülevalt ja naeratab, sest Ta armastab sind. Ja et Talle meeldid sa sellisena nagu sa oled. Täpselt sinu endana, koos kõigi oma vigadega. Ja heade külgedega ka... Uskuma, et isegi, kui on raske, siis Temal on vastused.
Just sinu jaoks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_RGlvje-MU&feature=plcp

This is a song written by Phil W. called "Because of Your love". He is a very talented musician and that song is so beautiful so I made a cover of it today. Not perfect, far from perfect but I like it. Its me and my guitar and what else do you need? ;) Hope you like it.
Kirsi

Tartu

I have no idea what Im doing on the pictures but it kind of looks like Im having a good time. My girls Raki+Merku were in Tartu yesterday with me and we did a "little" bit of walking and finally were so tired... Oh well. :P
Going back home today but I have to say I had a great time with friends and...
Did I say I shared my testimony about anorexia and how I came out of it with 70-80 girls yesterday and it was wonderful. I had a chance to talk to a few of them after the testimony and... Oh wow. My heart was overwhelmed with the fact that it touched most of them. I didn't see a girl without tears in that room. And of course the surprise factor when I said Im 25 years old... I had to explain I look like 17 and its fine. :D
Later in the evening 2 girls I didn't know came to me were like, why always the prettiest girls share these stories of hurt and pain... I think it was meant as a compliment. :)
So so! Finito.

...

Tartu.
Olen lõpuks Tartus. :)

Seed

Journey.
So this is my journey.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
If things are a bit weird, hard, just look ahead and see that you´re not alone. Im still breathing. In and out. And that matters at the moment.

I have been visiting a few friends this week. Been with people I love. People who love. With people who actually care about my life. And it has felt good. We all deserve these people in our life. No matter what we have done, how screwed up we are or how much crap has happened. We all deserve to be loved. I pray to God that you have at least someone you can count on to. If not I pray Father will give you that person.
I have been bitter.
And I have been saying things I regret later. I did that yesterday. And the day before. And I know I will do it again.
And yet there is a new day when I wake up and ask forgiveness from my Father. Because I don't want to be bitter and I don't want to carry the seed of anger in me. Coz it will plant something bigger. And I want to live with an open heart. I want to be someone who is not angry at the world. I want to love. I want people to see love and life in me.

So I go back to the beginning.
The beginning of many things.
Because without remembering all the good Father has given me I am bitter. The beginning is everything you feel thankful for. The starts of your life. Maybe it was something small.
For me it has been hundreds of smalls.
And that's when I know my Father has never abandoned me. Never.

Find your little things. Your little seeds of hope. Little kisses.
And be thankful.

K

Recognize

Recognize the people who really love you. People who want to be in your life. Who encourage you and who will not leave when things get hard.
Because in hard times these are the people who will not judge or complain. They wont bring you down and they will not run you off. Because in confusion and pain they will stay and love you.
Recognize them and never let them go!

Grandpa II

I don't know whats going on and why God is doing this but for the second (ok I think I am lying, it has happened many times, but the 2 times I know for sure sure) time in my life He has put me in a situation where I have to share my time and space with someone I don't-didn't like. I am honest. There was a time in my life I absolutely disliked my grandpa. I had a very hard time bonding with him and I just didn't want to spend any of my time or words with him. And here I am, living in one apartment and sharing meals and we actually talk. Seriously?
I didn't know how to respond when I heard that my family is going to Finland and Im stuck with him for 2 weeks or more, well...
And when they left it suddenly felt good. Not a burden at all.
And the way he has encouraged me in the last 2 days... Little things.
Like that fact that he gave me a look of approval when I came out of my room with a dress the other day. Or that he told me something wonderful about love. That God always has someone for us if we just trust Him. Or the way he cooked for me today and then asked my opinion how I want it.
Or how he said a prayer before he ate. I almost choked because I have never really shared a meal with him and it spoke into my heart the way he was so thankful to Father that he has food on a table and a room to sleep in. So basically I am seeing something here I never expected to see.
I am seeing love. Love shared and received.
And I am thankful.

B L U E

into the unknown
i can go
for He knows all
and He is good

Butterfly

When her kindergarten teachers asked her who she wants to be when she grows up she answered: "A butterfly".

A 6 year old knows something I have never grasped. She knows that success has nothing to do with big degrees or being someone "important". She just wants to be a butterfly when she grows up. A beautiful butterfly. And she will be. Because she knows her worth.

I believe she will be SO much more. She will be Ester, a beautiful woman. A good woman. Someone who will change the world.

A butterfly.

Grandpa

Well. Lets put it like this. Sometimes the things he says just crack me up so bad.
Today we had another discussion about my walking. I have been walking a lot with my mum and I feel as though its giving me quite a lot of energy and boost. I am not doing this to loose weight but to stay as I am without gaining weight. And I wanna have nice legs. :D
So grandpa said that what the heck, I already have nice legs and that they are not crooked or anything so why should I do anything about them. That was a compliment. And then he said that fat girls are pretty, that if you weigh 100 kilos you're pretty but if you weigh 101 you're not anymore???!!! :D And then he said I have no fat anywhere and guys like bigger girls. Like what the heck?
Oh grandpa. He made my day. Love him!

I know its a picture from February, BUT I just got it and I think its pretty much brilliant! :)

I know its gonna be a good day.

Because I will see Tartu for a few hours after months and months of being away from it. :) 

And then we will have a worship-evening in Võru which Im really looking forward to. Haven't done that for a while and worship always gets me excited. Coming back home tomorrow since we are also attending 2 services and dad is sharing there. So yes yes. Something different after 3 weeks of being at one place. 

I think at one point Im gonna pack my bags and just go. I have no idea where but I need to get away for a while... Yes. I am not the type who can stay at one place for a long period of time. Until I dont have a place of my own I can call home, Im gonna continue going. To places I havent seen yet and to people I havent met.

Hope all of you are having a great weekend. ;)

Sometimes we gotta let go of our own will in order to get what God has for us.
And sometimes we gotta hold on in order to get what God has for us.
Im letting go.
And Im holding on.

...

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts too much

Its a part of a song called "Steady my heart" by Kari Jobe and it just struck me hard. Sometimes you listen to some songs and they just move you to the core. This song moved something in me and I realized I'm going through a lot right now.
But the thing is I cant give up. I have to trust my God and I need Him to steady my heart so in hard times I know who my Rock is. There is a sentence somewhere in the end of the song that says: "I'm not gonna worry I know that you got me right inside the palm of Your hand". Wow. Well, if He knows me in and out then He also knows what my heart is going through right now. And He must know how to steady it.
I love that I have my Father to trust when there is no one else (Ps! Dont get me wrong here, I have people in my life but right now I know I have to turn to Him). So yes.
But the song that I was talking about, go and listen to it, maybe you will understand me a bit better: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJi_7f1cpbk

K

Ive been at home for 2 weeks now and I love the beautiful sunshine and the closeness of summer. Enjoying the walks and talks with my Father. And seeing friends I haven't seen a long time has been good as well. We had a little gathering at our place on Saturday and that was also very good and cozy! I still have no clue as for the future but I know Im not in a hurry. Im trying to take it easy and rest. Rest and just do the things I love... And in the middle of all this get some tan on my face! :)
Sometimes its so hard to reflect on the things that have happened but when you do you realize God has a plan. He has is all figured out for me and all Ive got to do is trust HIM. And in a same time I know I cant just sit and wait forever. BUT as for now. Thats all good! :)

I am not alone.

I will praise YOU in the storm.
I will praise YOU in the peace.
I will praise YOU!

Minu imearmas emme.

HEAD EMMEDEPÄEVA! :) Armastan sind väga. Isa soosingut sinu üle ja ülikülluslikke õnnistusi!!!!

Niinii. Olen Eestis. Türi-Allikul. Pühapäevast saadik. Tean, et ei oska siia midagi eriti tarka kirjutada peale selle, et Jumal on ikka hea ja Ta on ikka minuga. Olenemata kõigest, mis on olnud ja mis on. Ja ma väga armastan oma Taevast Isa. Ja seda, et TAL on hea plaan minu jaoks, isegi, kui ma seda veel ei tea. Ja kodus on ka päris hea. :) Emme söögid ja Estri musid.

KODU!

well

I feel like I haven't done this for ages... I just wanted to post a picture from my Monday. And no words needed except that sometimes I wish I would have children around me all the time. The crazy ideas they have, the laughter, the positive worldview... I want to be childlike.

"Are you the queen? Well, I am training to be a knight but I am really a sailor!"

:)

Issi ja Margus on nädala aja pärast siin, Balas. Ainult 1 nädal veel ja saan oma issi kaissu! :) Olen emme-issikas, aga mis teha. Ega vanus ei muuda seda, et ma nende tütar olen ja olgugi, et vanim. ;)
Nii, et kui tahad nendega midagi saata mulle, noh nt sünnipäevaks (väljapressimine, ma tean küll), siis ole vaba seda tegema. ;) Kurb on muidugi see, et nad peavad 29.aprill tagasi tulema ja 30.on minu päev, aga ehk saan nad kuidagi välja sööma meelitada, et nii, kirsi auks! :D
Päike paistab aknast nii mõnusalt ja kell on ka selline varajane, 8.00 hommikul... Lähen 20 minuti pärast tööle, teistele süüa tegema. Olen siin aasta ja 1 kuu olnud, ja vahel ikka mõtlen, et nii huvitav, tegelikult see on selline teenimistöö ju, teiste heaks, AGA see ei ole halb. Me ei peakski iseennast teenima, vaid teisi. Ja selleläbi olen ma nii palju röömu kogenud tegelikult, rohkem kui halba. Tühjad taldrikud, mis tagasi tulevad, on enamasti parim allikas õnneks. ;) Kõlab suht tobedalt, aga nii on... Mõtle, sa küpsetad midagi ja kõik ütlevad, et see kook on nii HEA, teeb ju õnnelikuks? Ma ei pea saama tuhandeid kroone selleks, et hea oleks, piisab naeratusest ja küsimusest, kes selle küpsetas? :)
Igal juhul, panin selga oma triibulise kleidi ja ehk see meelitab suve siia tagasi nüüd. Oleks aeg. Kaks nädalat suve ja siis tuleb talv tagasi, ei nii ei saa... See on ainult piinamine nii ju. Mõnes mõttes on see üles-alla ilm ikka halb, kunagi ei tea, mida selga panna või jalga. Eile käisin tennistega ja järgmine hetk hakkas sadama, 5 minutit hiljem oli kuiv ja siis 5 minutit hiljem sadas jälle. Ja nii on siin KOGU aeg.
Ok, ma lõpetan. Mu Eesti keel ei ole ikka piisavalt hea enam, pean rohkem harjutama. Ma ei saa oma mõtete selgitamisega eriti hästi hakkama... :D haha.
Hea. :)

11.04.2012 --> like you didnt know that huh? ;)

If a bird never worries about its food why do we people constantly trouble our mind and heart with worry, fear, future? Why cant we just sit back and let Father deal with these things? :)
I hope your today and your tomorrow will be given to Daddy! And know in your heart that youre loved more than anything else, more than anyone else. He loves YOU in His own unique way! Just like He loves me in my way. Kirsi-way! :) He loves the way I laugh, the way I make stupid jokes and the way my hair looks rather interesting in the mornings. Oh but HE DOES! :)

And if ure asking what the heck has this bird in its mouth, well, FOOD! And yes, I finally got a picture of my yellow-peak blackbird. Have been trying so hard and yesterday it came to me. I see a lesson here I have yet to learn - dont try so hard, let things happen naturally! ;)
Had a great day y-day. Went out with my people, had a BIG ice cream and a nice walk in small place I went exactly a year ago for my b-day. Later slept with my mouth open on our way back to Bala and slept more when I got to my bed. :D
Alright, gotta get ready for work now! Hugs, K.

Her

Yummy. I just felt like I did something my granny used to do. Oh wait, I actually did something my granny used to do... Okok, that was not funny. :)
But I did wake up and made myself a very homey (is that a word or does it actually sound like Homer??) breakfast. A piece of toast soaked in milk+egg+sugar+cinnamon which of course ended up in a frying pan. Oh so good with maple syrup (which is so not like my granny who always put double portion of sugar instead)...
And top it all up with a great big hole for missing my grandma. She was something special. Both of my grannys were but one of them left a mark in me and I am who I am today partly (maybe even mostly) because of her. She was the one who showed me how to pray when things got rough. And how to work. Really work, not lazy around. How to dig holes and clean strawberries. How to act so others wouldnt get hurt. And how to love. She showed me what love meant. For her it was sleeping in one big bed with 5 kids while she was somewhere in the corner not having enough space to breathe. Love also was giving money to buy ice cream when there was no money. Or smiling her most beautiful smile when I was hurting and telling me everythings gonna be alright. Or putting a tea leaf on a scratch I got when running around and climbing trees (not a very girly thing to do, but heck). Sometimes it was strawberries soaked in a milk and sugar or a big pile of food on my plate so I wouldnt go skinny (like that was ever possible with her food)... But most of the times it was just her with her presence. She had something about her that made her the best granny in the whole wide world.
And my world shook quite a lot when she left to meet Jesus some years ago. But I smiled through tears coz I knew she was in a better place. A place where she finally could rest and a place where she could pray for us and not fear. A place where the word FEAR dont even excist. Oh how I long to meet her one day. And climb into her arms and not let go. She is my role model and one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. There is non like her.
My beautiful beautiful granny.
I miss you.
A lot.

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found
Was blind, but now, I see

Kohupiimapurukook

Vahel kui mul igav on, või kui mul päriselt aega on, siis lähen ma poodi, ei vaata raha peale, ostan materjalid, tulen koju ja hakkan küpsetama. Eile tegin ma plaaditäie kohupiimapurukooki. Millest paar tükki on söödud ja jagatud, aga enamus vajab veel maitsmist. ;) Ma olen aastaid küpsetamist nautinud, see on midagi, kus ma end koduselt tunnen.
Aga eile ma panin midagi uut tähele. Mulle meeldib teha asju natuke teisiti. Mul on retsept ees, aga ma pean alati mingi "kirsi" twisti juurde panema, sest muidu ei ole see minu. Ja nii sai eile kohupiimakook endale ananassitükid maitseks. Nii hea. :)
Ja pitsapitsapitsa. Seda teen ma ka omamoodi, aga vot ma ei ütle, kuidas. Muidu tahad veel järgi teha. :D
Vabad päevad on head. Eile peale kogu seda küpsetustralli läksin ma pikali, panin ülistusmuusika mängima vaikselt ja lihtsalt olin nii 2 tundi. Muidugi mul kõht ka ikka valutab, oleks hea, kui see nüüd ära läheks... Aga see aeg oli hea. Lihtsalt mina ja muusika ja Isa. Ma usun, et mingil imelikul, mingil erilisel viisil Ta lohutas mind eile läbi vaikuses olemise. Ma ei kuulnud mingeid suuri lauseid, mingeid sõnu, aga ma teadsin, et Ta on minuga, Ta on minuga tormis ja vaikuses ka. See on see, mida igaüks meist vajaks teada...
Täna on ka veel vaba. Ärkasin hommikul üles ja esimene asi, mis nägin, olid Johnny suured silmad. Nii huvitav on see, et see on kuidagi lohutav. Ärgata oma kaisukaru kaisus. Ja teada, et sa oled armastatud. :D Ma ei ole segane! hehe...
Ja kuna meil on jälle piima majas, siiiiis sain oma teed teha. Appi, ma ei oska enam. Pean Eestisse tulles vist esimese asjana poes käima, et musta teed ja piima. Muidu ei saa hommikuti ärgatud! :)
Ma ei ole veel õelnud, millal ma tulen, eks? Ma mõtlen, et kogemata ei ole ka vist õelnud kellelegi... Uh. See on ainuke saladus, mida ma olen päriselt üritanud ka 10 küünega endale hoida... hehe. Kõik muu on kõigile alati enne mind ka teada... :D
See on selline vaba-hommiku-läbi-segi-blogi, nii et ära pahanda, kui ma hüppan ühelt teemalt teisele. Mis siis veel... Issi ja Margus on varsti siin!!!!!!!!! 1,5 nädalat veel jäänud ja saan oma issit jälle kallistada. NII HEA! Ja siis 23 päeva pärast olen ma veerand-saja-aasta-vanune.
Ok. Lõpetan ühe ilusa ja maitsva pildi üleslaadimisega. Tsautsau. :)

:)

I understand my posts have been a wee bit of negative lately. Its just coz I havent had the easiest time in the whole wide world. Pain in my head, stomach, sleepless nights... Wll, doesnt make one´s life very easy huh? :)
But here I am saying. I know things never happen just because. Some stuff I dont know why it happens. Some stuff is so painful you wanna bury your whole body from the world. Some stuff God will bring it for the good. And some stuff is amazing. And I think one day when I stand in front of my Lord I will have a chance to ask Him why did You let this come or why did You pick me, Kirsika, to do this? And maybe then Ill know or maybe He will look me in the eye and say: "I am your God, I am who I am and I am love". Maybe... :) As for now I know everything is in His hands and my life is but a journey with HIM and its enough for me. Even in my hard times, sucky days I find my rest in HIM. In Him alone. I cant find my rest in people even if I try really hard. I can find love in people and I can find God in people, but my trust should be in God. And my hope should be in Him. I want to build my life on Him, not on people and circumstances and things. Only on Him.
So its Easter today. Im so happy I have 2 days off. Ofc Id rather go somewhere then be here but cant at the moment so Ill jus try to take the best out of these days. I am so loved. Did you know that? Did you know Kirsi is loved by her Father? And she knows it. She wants to walk in this confidence and love and never let go.
So go and find your rest. Find a place where you can look at Him and be in peace. Find Him. Jesus died for you. We are celebrating His unconditional love this weekend and its the most beautiful thing. There is no other love like His. No other. :)

Me- its all about ME!

So why do I so easily let my heart be troubled by circumstances instead of looking to my Father?
I have been so tired lately, I barely keep my eyes open at work and when I get home I just sleep and sleep and then Im up for a few more hours to go back to bed again... I have been grumpy with people and a bit meanymeany and I feel as though I could do with a break from everything. I am not sad or anything, I am just tired.
And here comes the trixy part. I dont want my circumstances to bring me down or to bring people around me down because of me. I want to trust Him in everything and yet I fail.
Which doesnt mean I am a failure.
Because God is love. And grace and a new beginning.
So here I am saying that I need Him.
I need Him in my good days and also in my bad days. I dont want to be up and down. I want to be constant in Him.
And the thing is I am 100% human. I can be tired and I can feel like ... but that doesnt give me the right to snap at people. It just doesnt. The sad thing is that I always thought I HAVE the right to do that just because they are good friends or family. NO. I have been given a lot of thought to that lately and it is no excuse. I should treat them with respect and with love. Like Father has treated me, Like HE has accepted me fully into His family and heck, He never snaps at me.
So my friend, this is SO not a sad post. Or a "why-did-she-write-this-kind-of-thing-here?" post. This is just me writing down something I have been dealing with. And I tell you it is not the easiest thing in the whole wide world for me to step back and see myself from aside. I tend not to do that when it comes to ME. I try to justify my behavior. But something in my heart is changing and has already changed. Its not about ME. Its never been about me me me me, my needs, ME ME ME! Yes, I am loved and I am His beloved daughter, BUT the love He has given me, I want to give out in return. Even if it takes me a hundred more years to do that I will give my best shot at that. So bare with me, my precious friend, Im on a journey which will last a life-time.

Its already the 4th of April. And I woke up to snow. IN BALA. SNOW?? Did I say I woke up to SNOOOWWW?? Like what? I mean almost non of it has sticked to the ground or anything, but the mountains around the lake are covered with it. So white and beautiful. It is a "bit" wet and Im not very excited about walking in tomorrow morning but at least its fresh air I keep saying to myself...
Oh right. Back into my little book-world. :)
Kirsi

Oh!

If you live your life in constant fear of what could happen you´ll miss out on what should happen according to His plan!
Heck, how on earth did it take me that long to finally get the point? Im pretty sure I will drift back there a few more times, but I got it. I finally understood the meaning behind these words. I have been quoting them without really getting to the insight and here I am finally with an understanding in my heart.
I have been so afraid, so down, so many times because I have had some BIG fears about myself, about my future, about some people. And I have almost missed out on the opportunities of what God has had for me. And Not only what He has but what HE knows whats best for me. I never want to go back there again. You know the passage in Bible where it says: For freedom He has set us free. Well take it or leave it. I have looked over it in so many times and ways Ive lost my count. And just because fear has gotten on my way, it has paralyzed me and stopped me thinking. Fear of failure, fear of hurt and pain, fear that Ill be dissapointed and an dissapointment. Fear of future, fear of success.
Im pretty sure u know what Im talking about.
But hey Ive got another one: PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT ALL FEAR. And do you know what, His love is perfect. So if I just let myself for once see things through His perfect love, through His eyes I might see something beautiful.
I have a future.
I have a purpose.
I am His beloved.
And He is mine.
No fear can take me or stop me. If it does I know now where to run. Not away, but back to Him. Back where I should go. TO HIM!
Yeah, I will fail again. And I will cry. And I´ll be hurt again. And Ill face hardships but I want to look and rely upon His promises.
So shake that fear. Shake it so hard it will go away. Kick its butt. Let it run screaming from you. No daughter or son of God should live in fear. He has set our feet on a firm rock. And He has SET US FREE.
Go go now and be free of fear.
Oh cmn, get out of here already and do something useful with your day! :D
And ps! THANK YOU V, for always being there for me! I love you so much...
Hugs, Kirsi
:)

Like an action-movie.

My dreams are like action-movies lately. A lot of running and some other sorts of action. Some bad some good. And I dont like it. I dont like dreams, never have and maybe never will. So my prayer is for them to stop. Jup. I got away from one today by a saving alarm...
Just looked at the weather forecast and it says SNOWING for the next 2 days???? LIKE WHAT? Eeeemn, are you kidding me? :D In April, in Wales??? We already had summer here for 2 weeks, what is happening?
So now. Its like 6.09 am and I need to start walking to work soon, and Im still sleeping. Im somewhere in the dream-land of snooze. Maybe. :D
And if I didnt tell you yet, then know this: YOU ARE LOVED. You are so very very very very loved! :)
And so am I!!!
HUGS

APRIL

Because Im someone who absolutely cannot live without music and I tend to listen to whatever new I find from youtube I found out y.day I have a bit of a problem. I am influenced. I have started to listen to a lot of wordly music again (which in general is not a bad thing) and its not like 1 song a day but many many songs... And katshing, it has totally done something to my heart. So Im not saying Im like against that, its just, it can do more harm then you realize. More harm then I realized. I have suddenly this realization in my heart from God after I heard a small nudge: "Be seperate!". Its like you think you can run and run and never get tired but heck you will. At one point you´re so tired and need to rest. I thought I can just listen to whatever I want. But if its giving me an uneasy feeling then why should I ruin my heart day after day?
So why am I telling this?
Well, sometimes we can get so mingled, so mixed up with wordly ways that we dont really see the line between us and the world anymore. OF C we live in this world, but even the Bible says we are not of this world. And dont you dare to understand me wrong here. I think music is good. It has been created by someone who LOVES music. Every musician included. But you know its like with TV, you find yourself so caught up and then 10 hours has passed and you have just soaked in nothing. Soaked in the bad news, in soap-operas, in reality-shows and I mean, do you feel good after that? How good? Tell me. Let me know if Im saying something wrong here...
So I want to challenge myself. Not you. Not today. Its me. I am the one who has been so caught up in wordly ways that I wake up in the morning the first thing I hear in my head is : "...Lalalla, spell on me, spell on me..." or something more or less like that.

And now. A way back into love (well, thats a song as well, but its a good one, kind of). :) I am finding my way back into some new stuff and its great. Its scary but worth it. Drinking my tea again and thinking how great it is to wake up early when everyone else is still asleep and just take my time being. Doing not a lot but just being. :)
Played a bit of guitar yesterday and heck, I need to practise more. And more. And more. If I ever want to get somewhere I need to do it. I need to put more time into it, not just 30 minutes of my day. OK now that I said it out loud here I cant take it back here. So you remind me, deal? ;)

See you soon, my beautiful, my precious friend.

Shhh!

Secrets secrets. I have never been good at them. I mean, I do keep secrets that people tell me, but surprises that I tend to make always slip out somehow. Runs in the family. ;) I guess Im pretty popular now with my coming-to-Estonia news and I must say IM SO happy. Im so excited for what is ahead of me and I know Father is excited with me! :) I bought my ticket to Estonia yesterday and I believe I made the right decision. Cant tell when and what and how but let me just say Im coming.
So how are you? Whats up?
Im up to many things now. First of all: today in a month´s time Ill be 25 years old. Now thats something. :) I couldnt believe 10 years ago that Im actually gonna be 25. Heck. It seems somehow so grown-up etc. But here I am, near the new age and its pretty chkool. My friend asked for a birthday-present-list. Well, Im not gonna give one. Like I said to my (good) friend the other day that Im not really a material-girl. I love gifts, yes, but more then that I love something from one´s heart. Sometimes a self-made present, a card, a heart-shaped rock (jup, got that the other day, pretty special) is better than a big fancy something that is just bought coz one has to. Nope. Thats not me. ;) SO there you go, no big lists this year. Just send me chocolate and Ill smile for the rest of the week.
Then we celebrated R´s b-day the other day. Now that was a goood good evening. I made a very typical estonian cookie-cake which was almost as good as in Estonia. Well, 25% of it found its way on the floor, but hey, it was a big cake. :D
Mh, the weather is still precious. Not as warm as before but still good.

And in an horror she looked at the list in her notebook and realized that in a year´s time she has read 42 books. 42 BOOKS, HAS SHE LOST IT? :D Omg, I have read 42 books in English, I think I really must love reading or I have just gone completely mad. So basically if you wanna know some sort of book-recommedation just ask me, ok? ;)

I also wanted to post the lyrics of one the most amazing songs ever written (in my eyes):

LOVE CAME DOWN
(By: Brian and Jenn Johnson, Jeremy Riddle, Ian Mcintosh)

If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear You voice
I´ll hold on to what is true though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith I WILL believe

I remind myself of all that You´ve done
And the life I have because of Your Son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours I am forever Yours
Mountain high or valley low
I sing out remind my soul
I am Yours I am forever Yours

When my heart is filled with hope and every promise comes my way
When I feel Your hands of grace rest upon me
Staying desperate for You God, staying humbled at Your feet
I will lift these hands and praise I will believe

Varjud

Ah ma siin niisama issiga. Tegelikult mulle tuli lihtsalt Saaremaa reis jälle meelde. Oli ikka üks eriline reis küll. Üle pika aja jagasin oma tunnistust seal. Oli veidi ülepeakaela ja igast asjast natuke (peaksin maha istuma ja ah tegelikult... mis, see olen ju mina), aga usun, et see tunnistus oli hea! Ja meil igal ühel on oma lugu. Oma asjad, millest me läbi oleme läinud ja võitjana välja tulnud. Meil on kõigil oma minevik ja valusad kohad. Valusad hetked. Ma usun, et mõnel on need hetked nii valusad, et ei saa hingata, ei saa mõelda, ei saa edasi minna. Tead, mis? Isa tahab selle terveks teha, et sa saaksid edasi liikuda. Ma tean. Ma leian end tihti kohas jälle ja jälle, kus ma tahaks karjuda. Kus ma tahaks valu pärast kerra tõmbuda ja mitte üles tõusta enam. Ja järgmisel hetkel on Isa käed mind vaikselt vaikselt lohutamas, et Kirss, MA OLEN SINUGA JA MA EI JÄTA SIND. Ma olin su kõrval, kui sul oli valus ja ma olen siin praegu.
Võta vastu Ta armastus. Ma ei mängi siin mingit Jeesus-armastab-sind-kõik-probleemid-lahenevad-mängu. Probleemid on alati. Ja asjad juhtuvad. Halvad asjad. Kedagi kasutatakse ära, kedagi lüüakse, pekstakse, kellelegi õeldakse nii halvasti, armistatakse terveks eluks. "Sa ei ole piisavalt hea". "Sa ei saa sellega hakkama". "Sa ei kõlba kuskile". Tuttavad laused, eks? JA MUL ON SULLE UUDIS. Jumalaga ei ole alati kõik kerge.
Mul ei ole kerge.
Seda ei ole kuskil õeldud, et kerge oleks.
AGA meil on võimalus need asjad Isale anda.
Ma olen terve elu oma südames kandnud lauseid ja sõnu ja pahna, mis on mind halvanud. Hirmu, mis on mind takistanud edasi minemast.
Ja arvatavasti tegelen ma sellega (või tegelikult, lasen Isal tegeleda) veel pikka aega. See on protsess. Minu teekond. Minu võimalus usaldada. Ja ma tahan seda teha.
Ärkasin täna jälle peale halba unenägu. Väga halb oli. Ja seekord olin mina tagakiusaja rollis. Nägin end kohas, kus ma tegin kellelegi väga haiget ja mõtlesin, et MUL oli õigus. Et mina olengi hea ja mul on õigus kellelegi, kes on mulle haiget teinud, vastata samaga. EI OLE ÕIGUS. Meil ei ole kedagi õigus hukka mõista. Me ei tea nende lugusidki ja juba hakkame näpuga näitama.
Appi, ma ei pidanud ju sellest rääkima... :) Nii, kus ma tegelikult olin siis?
Saaremaa.
Jaa, Saaremaa.
Vahel me ei tea, mida üks väike kink võib teha. R+V ei aimanud ka, kuidas see reis minu elu võib muuta ja nad lihtsalt andsid mulle raha ja ütlesid: mine. Ja nüüd on mul otsus tehtud, et tulen tagasi koju. Oma Eestisse. Oma kohukeste ja musta leiva juurde. Oma pere ja sõprade juurde. Ühe ootusega. Ja teadmisega, et ma olen oodatud.
:)
HEA!

Now then.

Hello there.
So I must say again. And again and probably a 100x more in this blog how amazing people I have in my life. I have many friends but there are a few of them who actually dare to speak truth into my life and for that Im am grateful. For that I am thankful. And yeah, it is hard to always trust and listen and actually take it in what they have to say to you but heck its worth it. Its worth to listen and recieve rather then be stubborn and negative.
Today was not the easiest day. Migraine and a moodymood. But thats not gonna define who I am. I am Kirsika, a Daughter of God, I am a Princess and I am Loved by my Beloved. I am Fearfully and Wonderfully made, knitted together in my mother´s womb.
And Ive got some pretty good news.
SO ARE YOU!
Well, maybe you´re a man, so please dont be offended and all, just change the SHE part with HE and there you go. ;)