Natuke Komist. Natuke Norrast. Natuke Jah-ytlemisest.

Kuna ma olen Norras ja jatsin enda arvuti Eestisse poolkogemata, siis ei ole blogisse tulnud mitte yhtegi postitust (vabandan juba ette t2pit2htede p2rast, kuna ma ei oska Thomase arvutil neid lihtsalt yles leida kuskilt, seega tuleb selles postituses palju numbreid jms huvitavat)!
Alustaks siis sellega, et nii hea on Norras tagasi olla inimese juures, keda armastan ja kes mind armastab. Kodune, hea, huvitav ja vaga vaga tookas aeg on olnud. 2 nadalat siin, 1 nadal veel ja siis Eesti koju paariks nadalaks. Mul ongi selline randav eluviis hetkel (ok, mis hetkel, juba yle aasta), seega on kohver alati ootevalmis ja poolpakitud. Pool elu on veel Eestis ja pool elu on nyyd siin, Norras, Kristiansandis. Ja olgem ausad, eks juba on randava eluviisiga harjunud, siis sellest on væga raske lahti saada. See kuidagi haagib ennast Sinu kylge, tahad sa voi ei taha. Ja minu pisik on ikka vaga pikalt minu kyljes juba olnud. Kuigi ma lopuks tunnen, et see randav eluviis votab oma osa, sellise suure tyki, ja monikord on pariselt ka kysimus, et kus see kodu siis on... Lugesin eile yhte vaga huvitavat artiklit inimestest, kes kogu aeg reisivad ja sellest, mis on see 1 halb asi selle koige juures. Oota veidi, ma otsin lingi... Ohh appi ma ei oska isegi kopi peisti teha selle arvutiga. Igal juhul loo point oli selles, et need kes on pikemalt æra kainud, leiavad tagasi tulles, et seal on koik enda eludega edasi lainud ja esimesed 2-3 nadalat on ponev tore ja hea kodus olla, aga siis hakkab midagi kripeldama ja tahad tagasi sinna, kus sina edasi arened, kus oskad samastuda inimestega ja kus sina loed, oled oluline... Ja see on pohjus, miks paljud uuesti edasi reisivad, otsides kogu aeg seda midagi. Ja tosi ta on kahjuks voi kelle jaoks onneks.
Aga mina. Mina tahtsin ju tegelkult hoopis Venemaast ja Komist raakida. Sellest enda reisist. Ytlen kohe ara, et jatsin ikka tyki sinna maha kyll. Suure tyki enda sydamest ja loodan yhel paeval sinna tagasi reisida ja voibolla avaneb see uks ysna varsti. Wink wink.
Ma ei taha teha seda pikka reisikirjeldust, et mis kell me kus ja mida tegime aga moned olulised asjad tahaksin kyll ara mainida... Naiteks selle, et meil on 5 koosolekut, kus ma laulsin, jagasin enda tunnistust ja olin noh, mina ise. Yhel suuremal noorteteenistusel sain pikemalt raakida identiteedist ja mina-pildist. Wow, ma sain ise ka nii julgustatud ja ylestostetud, et oioioi. See oli natuke nagu peaees vette hyppamine, sest isa mainis mulle alles eelmise paeva ohtul, et ma voiksin seal jagada. Ja ma kohe enda sees, et ei ei ei ei ei ei. mis mina. kuidas mina. Mis mottes mina. Ja siis utlesin JA. ja ja ja. Ja nii hea oli. Ja ma sain laulda. Lausa viiel korral sain. Ja sain vene mammade lahkust tunda. ja armastust ja hoolitsust. Oblikasuppi soin. Yhel paeval loksusin IMETOREDATEL Komi teedel 5 Tundi, mis polnud enam teed, pigem augud ja parandatud kohad. Sain kokku enda vanatadiga, kes kaskis mul ruttu mehele minna ja. Ja silmad kinni panna. Ja kui silmad kinni panin, riputati mulle kaela suur vene rist, mis aitab ruttu mehele minna. Jee. Hahaha. Ja muidugi lapsi saada. Ruttu. Ja siis sain tunda wifi-mitteeksisteerimist. Ja muidugi tutvusin imetoredate inimestega. Noorte ja vanadega. Meeste ja naistega. Ja kohtusin. sygavale sydamesse jaid 3 pisikest tydrukut, kes olid enda ema alkoholi tottu kaotanud. Ja elasid kuskil Komi pisikeses kylas vanaemaga, eks vaga ei jaksanud. Aga pidi jaksama.
Komi reis oli onnistus. Aeg isaga oli onnistus. Ja naha maad, kus minu panama syndis, oli onnistus. Ja ma lahen tagasi. Igatpidi lahen tagasi.

Ma tean, et tihti on kartus uute olukordade ees see, mis meid takistab minemast. Tegemast. Oma suud avamast. Ja kui me siis lopuks julgeme, siis on Jumal nii suur meie labi ja me ise ainult imestame, et wow. Et Isa, sa liikusid minu kaudu. Raakisid minu kaudu. Julgustasid katkist sydant minu kaudu.
Mul on olnud pikk periood, kus olen pigem ei oelnud, kui ja. Ning see on ka ok. on vaja oppida ei ytlema yhiskonnas, mis ootab, et me oleksime koike valmis tegema. AGA on aegu, kus JA raagib uue loo, oma loo. Be brave and courageous. Jump in. Speak the truth and the truth will set you free.

Selle suve jooksul on mul ees vahemalt 5 teadlikku Ja-d. Yritused, kuhu olen enda JA oelnud, et kas laulda voi raakida. Olga Taeva Isa see, kes minu kaudu koneleb, julgustab, jagab, raagib. Olgu Taeva Isa see, kes Sinu kaudu teisi julgustab ja armastab.
Kirss

Ja reis alaku.

Paari tunni pärast istume autosse, mis viib meid bussijaama. Buss viib meid Peterburgi. Ja sealt edasi on lend Komisse, Sõktõvkarisse. Ma arvan, kahtlustan, usun, et mind on reisiputukas hammustanud. Sest eile näiteks vaevlesin ma kõhuhädade käes, oo jaa. Ja süda oli paha. Ja täna ärkasin kurguvalu ja südame pekslemisega. Ja ehk on midagi veel, mis ei meenu hetkel. Ja siis ma loodan, et see putukas mulle rohkem liiga ei tee. Et see putukas on nüüd läinud.
Näiteks. Mu elu esimene viisa tekitas mulle ka veidi äreva tunde. Et ikkagi Venemaale, noh. Sinna kaugele. Kaugele. Kaugele. Kanada mul millegi pärast sellist tunnet ei ole tekitanud. Ja nüüd siis. Aga koos isaga on turvaline. Ta on tark mees, tubli mees ja hea mees. Ja ma olen nii palju reisinud küll, et teada, mis on reisiputukas. ;)
Eile suure pakkimise tuhinas avastasin, et ma ikka päris täpselt siiamaani ei oska pakkida. Võtan liiga palju asju kaasa või liiga vähe ja kunagi pole liiga piisavalt. Hahaa, kes teab seda tunnet? Igal juhul ma siis seekord võtan pigem liiga palju ja saan siis ära anda, kui keegi tahab ja vajab nt midagi. Kõik kommid anname kindlasti ära! :D
Olgu, ma peaksin pesema minema, juuksed kammima ja riided selga panema, mis ei kortsu. Ja noh, mis on mugavad. Ma olen selline mugav inimene, mis puudutab reisimist. Milleks see fancy, kui on vaja 7 tundi bussi peal istuda ja end hästi tunda. eks.
Olge siis vahvad, tublid ja tugevad. Ma olen ka. Ja näeme juba nädala pärast. Kui ma juhuslikult vahepeal internetti, seda vahvat wifit ei leia.
K.

Miks Komi.

Ma ei ole nii ammu siia blogisse kirjutanud ja viimane postitus oli puhtas-mustas inglise keeles. Ma ei ole üleüldse väga ammu enda mõtteid kirja pannud ja see on nii imelik tunne seda jälle teha. Ja ma pean mainima, et imelik slash meeldiv. Ja tuli ikka ära üks inglise keelne sõna ka. Aga ehk parandan end ajaga, kuigi ei luba midagi.
Miks Komi.
Jah, miks tõesti Komi. Mis värk selle Komimaaga siis on. Tahtsin lihtsalt veidi tutvustada selle postituse teemat. Ülehomme, ehk siis kolmapäevasel hommikul, sõidan koos enda isa Valdoga Komi poole teele. Terve päeva sõidame. Ja pool ööd ka. Ja siis hiljaöösel/varahommikul olemegi kohal. Minu jaoks on sinnaminek esmakordne ja ma olen megapõnevil. Kas megapõnevil on ikka üks sõna? Ah, kes teab... ;)
Komi on koht, kust on pärit minu vanaema. Isa ema. Koduvanaema. Lidia Andrejeva (sry, kui veidi valesti kirjutan ta nime). Hiljem Lidia Maamägi. Maailma kõige parem inimene. Või siis vähemalt üks neist. Ägedaim kindlasti. Millise suuvärgiga. Ja millise usuga. Millise armastusega. Mul tikub praegu ka pisar silma, kui talle mõtlen. Naine, kes kasvatas mind praktiliselt naiseks. Naine, kes kirjutas mulle Taanisse kirju, kui seal elasin. Kirjad, mida siiani endaga kannan ja aegajalt loen, et tugevust ja julgust saada. Ta oli nii julge. Nii elav. Särav. Ja nii tavaline. Ja mitte tavalises mõttes. Ja ta armastas kõiki oma inimesi nii palju, et andis kõik ära, peaasi, et teistel hea oleks.
Et siis ja. Minu juured on siis Komimaalt. Kohtun esimest korda enda elus vanaema õega. Tal oli neid muide 7-8 ja üksainus on veel elus. Tädi Faina.
Kui ma tahaksin tarka panna, siis kirjutaksin praegu tuhat fakti Komi kohta, aga ma ei oska ju. Ma ei tea tegelikult absoluutselt mitte midagi selle maa kohta. Ei seda, palju seal inimesi elab, ega seda, millised lapsed seal kasvavad. Aga ma tean, et minu isa on seal päris mitu mitu korda käinud. Ja tema armastus on pannud ka mind armastama ja igatsema. Ja nüüd ma siis lähen. Uskumatu. Isal tuli umbes kuu aega tagasi igatsus sinna taas minna ja järsku olid rahad olemas ja lähemegi. Täna tulid viisad ära ning mina olen õnnelik. Ja kui ma veidi targemaks saan siis kirjutan kindlasti mõned faktid ka. Sellised päris faktid.
Ja muidugi veel see asi, et ma loodan seal ikka laulda ka. Me läheme kahte kirikusse kindlasti, rohkem ma hetkel ei tea. Need 4 päeva reaalset kohaloleku aega tunduvad nii lühikesed, aga usun, et palju põnevat on ees ja mu lemmikütlus, parim on veel ees, kehtib selle reisi puhul kindlasti. Kui minu teha oleks, läheksin pikemaks ajaks, aga hetkel on nii ja võibolla jääb see minu elu ainukeseks võimaluseks minna tagasi oma juurte juurde ja ma igal juhul olen PÕNEVIL! :) Komi, siit ma tulen!!!

River

"I throw them deep into the river and I watch them go... I throw them deep, I throw them deep"

Vau! Üks parimaid laule, mida ma viimasel ajal kuulnud olen... Marie Kvammen - RIVER - saab kuulata näiteks iTunes või siis näiteks Spotifys. Ok, ma ei ole tavaliselt mingi hull reklaami tegija, aga see laul on nii hea. Sõitsin eile metsa ja linnast välja ja lihtsalt üürgasin kaasa laulda. Laul on uus ja lihtsalt täielik tegija! Soovitan. Võib kuulamise ajal nutta või naerda või endast kõik ära anda, ära visata näiteks. Imeline!

Mul on nüüd 3 väga kihvti nädalavahetust seljataga ja see 3-s ehk praegune alles käib. Palju reisimist, sõitmist, Eesti avastamist ja oma silmaga kaemist. Kihvt. Head sõbrad, hea toit, ja lihtsalt hea olek. Läbisegi põimitud unetute ööde ja peavaludega, aga psssht, see käib aegajalt minu puhul asjaga kaasas lihtsalt. Ja lisaks muidugi see, et APRILL on ju minu kuu. 4 päeva pärast saan jälle vanemaks, noh selliseks kahekümnekaheksaseks seekord... Palju uut on ees. Palju muutusi. Ise veel täpselt ei teagi, mis muutused, aga palju. Mõned on juba tehtud ja mõned seisavad alles ees. Täna aga. Täna ma kirjutan. Ja puhkan. Ja jalutan. Ja mõtisklen.

Ilusat vihma, kui päikest ei anta! ;)

Vaikus.

Vaikus.
Vahel on vaikus see ainuke asi, mis aitab. Siis, kui kõik tuled on kustus. Kardinad akende ees ja telefon välja lülitatud. 2 viimast päeva on otsekui udus möödunud. Selline peavalu, mis lihtsalt silme eest mustaks võtab ja jalad alt. Kuigi jalgu all pole mul niikuinii olnud. Kukkusin pühapäeval trepist alla. Lihtsalt niisama kukkusingi. Ei olnud otseselt nagu põhjust, eks. Aga libisesin. Ja järgmisel hetkel olin poole maa peal pikali ja kui poleks õigel ajal pidama saanud, oleks teise poole trepist pea ees lennanud ja ei tea, kus haiglas hetkel redutaksin. Kipsi polnud vaja, aga kõndida on olnud võimatu selle siniseplekilise jalaga.
Tahtsin vanduda. Kõvasti ja karjudes. Et, miks mina. Aga milleks see. Tahtsin nutta. Paar pisarat tulid ka. Et miks kõik see korraga. Peavalu, jalavalu, seljavalu, muu valu, endast nii kahju, haletsus eks. Aga milleks. See kõik on ju tegelikult mööduv. Juba praegu, täna õhtul, sel hetkel, nüüd ja praegu, ongi parem. Peavalu on peaaegu ajalugu, pärast tuhandet tabletti ja unustatud tunde und; valusa jalaga juba lonkan mööda tuba ringi ja tulbid, need imeilusad tujutõstjad, sirguvad vaasis. Jah. Ma olen hoitud. Õnnetusi juhtub ju kõigiga. Pole kedagi süüdistada. Ega midagi taga nutta. Saan olla ainult tänulik enda inimeste eest. Need minu omad. Kes mulle peavarju pakkusid, süüa, rohtu, hoolt, armastust; kes mind isegi kätel kandsid sõna otseses mõttes. Lihtsalt ongi mu perekond. Kõige paremad sõbrad, keda tahta.
Elu ei ole alati lihtne. Enamasti on mingi trikk, mingi nõks. Aga siis ma hingan. Sisse ja välja. Jah. On küll valus. Ja mitte ainult füüsiline valu. Igatpidi. Tahaks haletseda end. Tahaks peitu pugeda. Aga vot, ei poe. Elu on ka hea. Elu on ilus. Kevad on ju. No pekki. Kui kevadet ka ei näe, siis mida me veel näeme, eks?
Naeratan. Just praegu. Sest mul on kõik olemas. Eks mõni riidehilp jääb alati naistel õnnest puudu. Aga mul on elu. Just nüüd ja praegu. Just täna.

Vaarika.
Sina oled imeline.
Ei. Sul ei ole täna sünnipäev ega pulma-aastapäev. Sul ei ole täna tähtpäeva.
Ma lihtsalt tahan Sulle õelda, et oled imeline. Et oled armastav. Hooliv. Suure südamega eriline noor naine. Iga inimene, kes Sinuga kohtub, on õnnelik. Iga inimene, kes Sinuga tuttavaks saab, saab olema õnnistatud.
Kui Sa palvetad, siis on taevas lahti. Ja Jumal kallab. Suurest kausist. Kallab armu, õnnistusi, armastust, elu, vastuseid, lahendusi...
Vaarika. Sa oled keegi, keda ma iga päev igatsen. Siis, ka kui ma Sulle seda ei ütle. Või ei vasta su sõnumitele. Ma armastan Sind. Kogu südamest. IGA PÄEV. Ma tahan, et läheksid järgi just enda unistustele ja soovidele. Tegutse. Ole julge. Võta vastu see, mis on Sulle mõeldud!
Sina oled imeline!

Kodu. Need lõhnad.

Kodu. Need lõhnad. Ema ahjukartul. Isa dressipluus. Kevade värskus. Ema sall. Need värvid ja maitsed. Kodus on alati hea. Kodus on ka alati veidi teistmoodi. Viimase paari aasta jooksul on mu vanemad 2 korda kolinud ja see on kolmas kodu, kuhu enda kotid poetan ja pea padjale panen. Aga see on ok. Tõrva ongi kodu nüüd.
Pisike postkontor, kus täna käisin, mitte nii hea lõhnaga pood, kust hakkliha ostsin (jejee) ja pimedad tänavad, kust eile õhtul end jalutamas leidsin. Hommikukohv ja isa tehtud omlett. Imemaitsev. Üllatus ukse taga, mida ei ole ära teeninud. Õe kallistus ja musi, sest see on armastus. Uni, mis on nii magus ja kiisumiisu Siimu, kes sinu voodisse ära eksib ja jalgade juurde kerra keerab. Estri kiri hommikul laua peal, mis ütleb, et sa Kindlasti kell 1 kodus oleksid, sest siis tuleb tema ju koolist. Tsau, ema ja isa, näeme teiega pühapäeval, seni hoian Estrit südame lähedal ja nii nagu oskan, aitan tal õppida ja käin jalutamas.
Kodu. Need lõhnad.
Kevad ongi lähedal. Kollased tublid. Raffaello karp laual. Õrn päike, mis endast vaikselt märku annab, õeldes, siit ma tulen, säran ja teen külmale ära. Mingit sorti ootus, vaikne, aga tugev, lausa tungiv... Igatsus. Unistus ja meeletu vajadus läheduse järgi. Teadmine, et Taeva Isa kannab ja hoiab minu pisikesest käest tugevalt kinni. Päike veereb. Uni tuleb.
Sõnad. Teod. Kui Sõna saab Teoks.
Tolm klaveril, mis valguse käes endast märku annab. Aga see on ok. See tolm ei häiri, sest see kodu ei olegi kodu, mis on läikivpuhas. See on kodu, kus on elatud ja armastatud. Riieldud ja vaieldud. Karjutud ja kallistatud. Nutetud ja andeks palutud. Armu palutud. Õnnistust palutud. Käest kinni hoitud ja lahti lastud. Otsuseid tehtud ja õrnalt õhatud - ma armastan sind, just sind.
Midagi minus on teisiti, kui aasta tagasi. Naine minus on kogu aeg olemas olnud. Aga see kevad. Seekord kodus olles. Seekord on teisiti. Ja igakord on ju. Sest meie 2015 ei ole sama. mis 2014. Isegi meie makaronid ei ole samamoodi keedetud nagu eelmisel aastal. Mingi maitse on teine. Eks. Ma tunnen puudust. Mäletan. Mälestan. Aga teisiti kui varem. Õpin hingamist. Ja hingata andmist. Seda vabadust, millest aastaid laulnud olen. Õpin isegi uuesti sõprust. Asju, mis on unustatud. Kord maha maetud.
Istun klaveri taha. Mängin mõned helid. Tõusen püsti, vaatan ahju üle. Istun uuesti klaveri taha. Pisarad voolavad, sest Isa armastus lihtsalt täidab ja hoiab mind. Nii suur on igatsus olla armastatud ja tahetud. Seal klaveri taga. Mõte, et kui ainult oskaks paremini. Essu vaatab silma, küsib, kuidas ma nii hästi oskan. Mina nutan. Mõtlen, mis ta valetab. Aga ei valeta. Lapsed näevad ju teisiti. Eks. Ja see ongi armastus. Arm. Ära teenimata ja lihtsalt. See arm.
Kodu. Need lõhnad.
...

Random act of kindness.

Random act of kindness.
Over the past weeks, months Ive learnt so so much about grace. So much about kindness. And love. And mercy. But mostly Ive learnt about God as The One who never leaves me. Never. He has shown me through people how very much He loves me. How very much He is fond of me.
A cup of coffee from a friend. A huge smile from a kid who walks into our store and doesnt even know me yet trusts me. A hug from mum who loves her daughter more then life. A little note of encouragement. A random act of kindness, but is it really so random? No. I dont believe that. I believe my Father actually plans all these "random" things, we just gotta open our eyes a little more.

Trust me. You are not the only one who needs love.
But also trust me on this - sometimes we gotta take our eyes off of ourselves and start seeing others. Start sharing these random acts of kindness around to those in need and not only. To our friends, to our families...

Sometimes its so hard. So hard you wanna crawl under the blanket and never come out. So hard to even believe that everythings gonna be fine. And esp on those days Ive seen Gods mercy come through so beautifully. Random. Act. Of. Kindness. Yet not so random!

cherry tree

About 1 million days left til spring...
Or not. I am thankful (not every day though I must admit) that we have 4 seasons. Trying to enjoy bits and pieces of winter this year and its a hard process. But just thinking about spring makes me long so bad... Long for something new, something pure and new, fresh, alive... I have always and forever considered myself as a spring-girl (woman, haha) but this time Im kind of counting days (sorry Sven, I know HOW much u love winter)...
Im a little bit of sick again, neck-shoulder pains and staying home to get better for tomorrow (working on Saturday this weekend) and oh boy the longing just growns stronger... I mean WHO doesnt like yellow tulips, little greens on trees, water splashing, birds singing... I love spring. I even dont mind the crazy waters everywhere as long as the dry periond follows!!! So excuse me winter-lovers, but this girl here is waiting for spring. Yes yes yes! :)

Sparkle

Just a little glimpse into my past. Thats exactly what I needed today. To remind myself of who I am and what Im capable of; Which is quite a bit - truth be told. I have grown so much. I was NEVER the ugly duck as the saying goes. I was not. Even if I believed I was, I wasnt! (So werent you btw). But lies do eat into our souls when we grow up and enventually we start to believe them and act on them and we forget who we are. We forget our names. I did.
So yes. I accidentally just stumbled upon that picture yesterday and it was taken quite a while back, 2006, June. What a gorgeous young woman on it. Beautiful smile, warm heart and eyes that say, I want to live and I want to love. I want to see the world and I never wanna get hurt again. Not by people, not by their words, not by their actions. A young woman who is so ready to jump into something so big and adventurous its over her head.
And even though there has been so many tears, so many ups and downs, broken hearts and heart aches that comes through that, SHE is still the same woman. With much more experience in life, yet so vulnerable and open-minded to new things. And she has dreams, big dreams. Beautiful dreams. Which she cant do on her own. But she is ready. She thinks she is. She hopes she is.
So today. As Im looking at that picture. 2006, June. A girl who has just been out from anorexia for 2-3 months. Me. Its me. All beautiful you are my darling, there is no flaw in you. No flaw. There is stuff thats not good, stuff that needs mending, but all impatience, all imprudence, all imperfections make her who she is.
I, you, he, she, needs to be reminded that from time to time, moment to moment. The value. All sons and daughters of God, shine bright. Shine.

I said on my first post this year that this blog might not have that Kirsi-spark. BUT IT DOES. How can it not. :) Alright. Im gonna shut up now. Maybe. Ok. Not really. but have a wonderful weekend and enjoy yourself for a change, ok! :)

WHOAH!

Whoah! Thats a long time. Last time I wrote here was 2014, March and its 2015, January, right about NOW! Its not that I ever wanted to close my blog. Its not that I havent wanted to write.
But I just havent. I have been through some heavy rains and winds and hurts (and also fun and laughter and joy) this last year and sometimes writing takes a toll. It is like opening a wound for everybody to see.
But Im here. Right now. This moment. Its 23:31pm, 3rd of January, 2015, as Im writing again. I guess my blog will never be the same again. It will never have that Kirsika.spark, but it will always be me. The girl, who actually has so much to say, so much on her mind and heart. Maybe a little fearful of what others think, maybe a little insecure but with a crazy big heart and even crazier laughter... Yep, I still sometimes laugh like a little horsey! I bet u would agree with me!
So. I still live in Pärnu. Ok, lets take that "still" away because I actually want to live here. I work in Jenny Kruse charity store as for the moment, and go to Life Centre /my church, I try to do as much singing/music on my free time as possible - this is my place of rest - that MY THING. Always been and always will be... Writing lyrics, songs, words, thoughts mostly on my phone these days so basically I do still write. Its not like I JUST stopped! ;)
Okey, I will keep this one short. Just because I want to.
Live, breathe, drink good coffee and laugh a lot, really - laugh!!!!

March winds...

And the March winds are blowing real strong... I must say Im scared of how time goes by so fast. Its been a year since I found myself a church, a place I call HOME. This month has definitely been a month of decisions. Ok actually this year in general. And only good has come out of it. I guess the sentence I would use for this year is : the best is yet to come. And truth be told THE BEST IS YET TO COME. I want to wake up/call alive all my biggest dreams this year. I want to start working on my biggest dreams. Go for something, go for something new. I need your help. I need people around me to encourage me. No one can do things alone. We all need someone to tell us that we CAN DO IT. That we have what it takes. And the thing is, we all do have what it takes. We all.

I am finally doing some things for myself. I went to a theater last week, oh and I went to 2 (+1 on the previous week) concerts and I just enjoyed all 3 of them. It fed my soul. I am 26 for goodness sake, soon 27. I love youth. I love church. I like my job. But I need something that is just for ME from time to time. We all do I guess... And seeing Pride and Prejudice on a stage was just way over my mind. Such a precious evening...

Mmmmmh and ofc I am so very much looking forward to go to Creek. It will be awesome. It will be one of the highlights this year. And it seems that once again I am the youngest one... Guess there will be a lot of taking care of me and looking after me, oh and do I mind? Not at all. :D

I still have my upanddownmoments and I guess people are used to this already. I had a conversation with a friend last night and asked if I am wining too much... Sometimes I think I am. But then again. I am not a robot. I have feelings. I have emotions. I have all that every woman has. YouknowwhatImean and maybe you dontknowwhatImean. But heck I am not a robot and never will be. I will still wine occasionally and I will still be me every day. And if someone tries to change me (except God) then I assure you that it is not working. ;)

Hello February, goodbye February.

Seriously. Where did January go? And now February as well? Almost done with. 2014 is just going by so fast... Ok, Im maybe just seeing it that way right now; anyway, its been pretty awesome start to this year. In January I had my trip to Sweden and I saw Gods hand upon it so strong and firm. And now Im back to Pärnu, to socalled real life and you know what, its not so bad at all. ;) Who said that real life, that right now, has to be hard, bad... Yes, I have my emotional up-and-down-moments and I am an emotional being. Sometimes Im on a roller-coaster and I feel so bad about it especially when my loved ones have to be around me at that time BUT I am me and I am awesome (as one of the coolest people from Norway whom I have met only once, would put it).
When I think about 2 things that have happened in February I get so excited and also a bit nervous at the same time. Im just not understanding why God loves me so much. Why do I have HIS favor. I probably should not share about the first one so publicly but its something to do with HIM assuring me I am at the most right place in a right time. And strongly assuring, not just my own thoughts or something. And second thing happened last night when I got an email saying that someone Ive only met ONCE just paid for my whole trip to Athens, Creek in April (Ill tell more about it at one point maybe just not now). THIS is Amazing! I am amazed by His love for me. Oh and dont get me wrong, its not that oh, I got this gift etc, that now God is Good. Oh now. He is always, forever good! But He loves me through so many different details that sometimes its easy to miss them, right. I mean I look out my window each morning and know Im loved. But seeing that trip paid, this is just over my mind. This is not some little money. But this is His money. And when he puts someone in your heart, do not hesitate to support them.
There is some good stuff going on in my church and I believe that God is telling us all here that new times are coming. He is healing some hearts and He is restoring some past pains. I believe that. I really do. I need Him in every area. On my own I am greedy. I am mean. I am selfish. Well. Through Him I am loved. I am restored. I am beautiful. I am something more then just the number on my scale. You know.
May February end good for you. May you be COVERED by His blood daily (oh not literally but may His cross take away your sins, your pain, your hurts)... May you know you are loved loved loved! May I know that every single breath I take.

Just when you have NO idea where to get food for the day (just to say I needed winter-boots so no leftover money for this week) a friend sends you a text-message with a question if you need any food for lunch. YES YES YES. Faithful Father, why do I worry about tomorrow? Or in my case, today! :)
HAVE A BLESSED, FAVORED, OVERWHELMING, good, peaceful week! And fun and adventurous as well... ;)

Oh hello.

I have not been here for a while. Its because sometimes life happens.
I was away for a little more than a week and in Sweden this time. So as most of you know, I work in Jenny Kruse charity shop to support Jenny Kruse mission boat in Estonia. It is meant to be an actual mission boat to sail in the waters and spread the gospel and in last summer it sure did that. Oh and about the trip... I had a chance to go to Sweden with the people I work for and our captain and then one precious lady Anne from the organisation Shalom. The first half of the trip we were in Oskarsham; basically I was the only one who didnt know the people so I had to be alert all the time to new faces ect. Was good though, a bit stressful with all the board-meetings and translating I needed to do (coz without thinking I promised Ill help with that, haha) etc but I also got to be a part of one day with the youth from the local Bible school. Alari shared about the New Covenant and I shared my testimony after that plus lead worship and that was fun, that was where I felt home and knew its my chance to be the channel of His love. :)
After 4 days we traveled to another city and oh boy I cant remember the name, haha, you will survive. I know. ;) Anyway there we met with another bunch of good people and felt so home (thank you Fredrik and Marina, you are SO precious)! So much worship time, so much sharing and caring and pouring of Gods love. Got to know a lot about Salvation Army and feel it was necessary. The trip ended on Tueseday this week when we finally arrived home, to Pärnu. I went straight to work but felt refreshed and ready to continue here... Many ideas in my head and in my heart, so we will see what works!

But if there is one thing I am seeing about myself lately, well, let me share it.
I cannot be forced into doing something. I close up and nobody cant get me out of my shell then. Even if I try to come out I feel like a wall hitting up. Worship. I LOVE worship and I love singing but I am not so spontaneous as people think I am. I sometimes dont like myself for that and hopefully one day when someone asks me to bring out my guitar, I can do with a smile while being all relaxed BUT right now I get stressed. There are times when I dont but usually the first reaction of mine is a stressball emerged. :) Just saying, so dont get offended if I say NO from time to time to music, to worship. I am not saying no to God, at least not trying to but to people I do say no.
Also on our great trip I noticed how I closed up when these situations came around. I felt so bad about it, but first of all I am not that confident (dealing with that) in my guitar playing and feel incomplete so often... Anyway realizing I cant handle pressure so well. And I cant hide my emotions so well, hahah, which makes the first one a bit hard. ;)
But I love challenges because I know they make me who I am... I dont like the mindset that "Kirsika, you should be ready all the time to worship" because I am not a robot, BUT I do understand the desire behind that sentence. The desire to know and love God with all our hearts, to worship Him 24x7 with our lifestyles. Maybe not with a guitar and a song, but with our lives...

Friends. Have a great weekend ahead. I am trying to rest and also work a bit with some projects. Other then that, you know what, Life is good. Life is so good and so precious. Value it and breath it in. ;)
Kirsi

Being bullied myself as a little girl this video made me cry out loud early in the morning.
Hope you are not the one who walks away. Hope you are not the one who starts filming. Or the one who ignores.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EisZTB4ZQxY

Something something

It was absolutely amazing.
The concert was everything I dreamed and hoped about. It had a little ups and downs and I was afraid that Ill mess up but putting it all together with Margus and Kaidi and a good team of helpers... It was so good and Im so happy we decided to pull it together a bit bigger. I do have 3 songs up on my music-page that you can listen to from the live-concert and here´s THE link:
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/sets/j-ulukontsert-2013

Its been some great weeks behind me. Oh its been hard weeks full of work and youth and church but its all been worth it. I wonder almost every week why am I doing the things I am doing BUT then something happens and I see it all together again, I mean I see it how it really is and then I know. I am doing these things because I am suppose to be exactly here at this time. This is my time and my life and I have everything that God has intended for me right now. Maybe I have had to say no to so many concerts etc but RIGHT now I have what I need and its enough.
I could write down the highlights from 2013 but I dont really bother. What matters the most is that everything I do I want to do for God. I complain and gruff and puff and I must admit that quite often, BUT heck, life is worth so much more. I even complain that I dont get everything I want straight away BUT what if straight away is not the best for me. Anyway. 2013 has been hard but good. So very good. And so very interesting. Big changes, big steps of faith, full of pain and hurt, full of joy and love and laughter. Full of friends and family. Full of mistakes and forgiveness. Full of pictures.

Enjoy your life. Appreciate life. Appreciate big things, small things, sad things, happy things.
Have fun. :)
Cry if you need to.
And hug someone you love.
Hug someone you dont love.

How.

Performing in front of your loved ones, the ones who know you and you know them, is always the hardest. No, I am not afraid, but yes, I am afraid. The Christmas-concert is only a few days ahead and right now there will be only one rehearsal before Sunday. ONE! Oh boy. There are reasons for that which cannot be shared publicly, hehe... But I am also excited. Because I know it will be one heck of a concert. Surprises included. ;)
Im just starting to repeat myself, but its been really crazy for me... So much to do always and when I count the times Ive been sick, oh oh, just way too much of that. So no more. Now its cheers for being healthy and eating good food and enjoying the crazyness as well because you know what, one CAN actually do that. Enjoy the crazy times. Because in the midst of all the stuff that needs to be done, there is ALWAYS fun and precious moments. Playing card games or watching a stupid movie that doesnt give you much but still time spent with friends while doing that, seeing a child laugh in the store, a friend who has survived a bad accident comes back home-church-to friends... Precious. And so valuable. Or really, seeing an eleven-year-old girl enter a church one day and actually staying and now being a part of it. Brings tears to my eyes. Tears of thankfulness and joy. I am so happy and relieved that God brings us these moments of REST because thats HOW He can show us He is real, He is right here, with US! Right now. In every single moment. Every. Single. Moment.
So how do I do it? Work full time, youth, church, worship, music, concerts, being sick, time with friends, time with God, reading, time with myself??!!. Well. I take one step at a time. I look forward to tomorrow BUT I Live right now, I live today. One step at a time. Because believe me, skip a step and you will fall. Though even then there is Someone who brings me up. From the fall.
Be courageous this week. Be bold to tell someone they are important to you. Be bold to encourage. To love. To give a hug that might save someones day. Be courageous.
:)

Let go. Let go. Fight?

So which one is it? Fight or let go?

The question for me has always been about this. There have been times I have known 100% that I had to let go. And another times I knew I had to fight for something. For my freedom. For my family. For friends.
And yet again in many areas of my life I question the very same thing. To fight or to let go. And truth be told - I have no idea. Some days its as if I know. Its as if I know that Im suppose to go on without letting go. And some other days, moments, I feel the urge, the great need to let go.
And what about the saying - let go and let God? Why then are we suppose to hold on to some stuff and let go other? Haa, I know I sound like a desperate woman, but I am not. I know who I am. Its just that there are days I wonder... And question.
Just like everybody else.
I am not frantic.
I am not desperate.
I am just someone who thinks way too much. And yet again, I was created to think. To reason and to question. And I was created to love, to live, to laugh, to hold on and to let go.
For years one of my favorite passages in Bible has been about timing. There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven... A time. A certain time. I tend to forget that. I tend to press on with my own knowledge which is 0 compared to God´s.
I am probably not making sense today. And thats 100% ok. I guess I cant always make sense (read-almost never)...
I was asked yesterday if I KNOW my own value. I couldnt say yes. I couldnt say no. So I said the simple thing that I almost always say. I said I know that I am loved. Oh boy. But do I know that I am also worthy of being loved. Worthy of being fought for. Of being pursued. I have stopped believing that long time ago. So I keep saying to people that I am loved. I just pray that God would show us all our true value. So that we could learn to trust Him in every question we face. Even if we need to let go of something or hold on to another thing.

But how am I doing. Really. How am I doing today, or yesterday or tomorrow. I guess I am good. I have my moments where I wanna scream and hit someone. And then I normally shut down. Instead of being angry I shut down. And there are moments I am so happy I could kiss someone or give a Kirsika-hug (which I do anyway)... But mostly I am being me. Without masks. If Im sad everybody knows that and if Im happy everybody knows that. Cant hide a freaking thing when it comes to me. Sometimes I wish I could. I have had some great moments with music lately and for that I am so very very very excited and thankful and happy.
Because if I could choose just 1 thing. 1 thing to do. Then it would be music. Singing, guitar. Worship. Then I would give my 100% and everything else I would put a little behind. Then I wouldnt fight so hard to do about 99 other things because if I dont then what would people think. Jup. I said it.
And I want to do all these other 99 things. But maybe I shouldnt.

Like all of them 99 different things I just shared about. ;)

Advent

Patience is NOT my strongest side. I have no idea how many blog-posts are about waiting, patience, expecting the right time, waiting on God etc. No idea. But probably 50% or something... I am not surprised though. Everything in this world just goes faster and faster and people tend to get things quicker and if not, then they give up and move to next thing. Like there is NO time to wait on anything because you gotta have it now and if not now then there is always something new and "better" ahead. Right?

Oh how Im struggling with this mindset. Because I want my things now. Its as if Im waiting for my life to start even though it has already started 26 years ago. God gave me life and he chose my parents for that. For 26 years I have lived a full life. Struggles, joys, tears, laughter, snow, rain, friends. I have had it all and I STILL HAVE IT ALL. Its not good to always always look forward for a better day. Coz then one definitely never enjoys a moment. The moment one has right now. 

I am looking out my window and I see a light pink-orange color in the sky. Its still early and I live on a 5th floor so the views I get each morning are sometimes breathtaking, sometimes not so... BUT mostly I know that heck, if I cant even enjoy the view, the moment that I have been given right now, HOW can I be sure that whats ahead, is the start of my "wanted" life? 

Appreciating the little things is so hard. Once you start though... Oh wow. I mean I look back at yesterday and yes, there were moments in it I wish I COULD erase, some words spoken by me I wish I could take back, acts done I wish I wish I wish. BUT it was such a good day. SO good. And my hope is that when I look back a year from now, I see the good. The beautiful. Not the impatience, the constant waiting of better, bigger...

I had a little concert yesterday with my friend Kaidi. And there was someone from the local church sharing a word because it was the 1st advent and she was suppose to lit the candle etc. Anyway, she said that we live in this fast world where people expect everything NOW. And even with Christmas, we start Christmas now, we are so bad with waiting, but advent-time is the time where we can reflect, we can wait for our God, our precious Savior... I still remember the first time I came home for Christmas from Wales and my little girl Ester ran to me with an advent-chocolate-calendar and said that its for me. And then she was like, Im sorry, I ate a few chocolates cos I couldnt wait, resist, hahahaha, I laughed my head off. Cute as she can be. But anyway, eating the chocolates coz one cant wait... Oh and btw, the concert was so good. Enjoyed sharing about God the Father publicly and had a good time at the kindergarten principal home later on... :)

Have a good advent-time. SPEND IT WITH YOUR FAMILY, friends. Appreciate, love, live and laugh!!!!!!!!!