River

"I throw them deep into the river and I watch them go... I throw them deep, I throw them deep"

Vau! Üks parimaid laule, mida ma viimasel ajal kuulnud olen... Marie Kvammen - RIVER - saab kuulata näiteks iTunes või siis näiteks Spotifys. Ok, ma ei ole tavaliselt mingi hull reklaami tegija, aga see laul on nii hea. Sõitsin eile metsa ja linnast välja ja lihtsalt üürgasin kaasa laulda. Laul on uus ja lihtsalt täielik tegija! Soovitan. Võib kuulamise ajal nutta või naerda või endast kõik ära anda, ära visata näiteks. Imeline!

Mul on nüüd 3 väga kihvti nädalavahetust seljataga ja see 3-s ehk praegune alles käib. Palju reisimist, sõitmist, Eesti avastamist ja oma silmaga kaemist. Kihvt. Head sõbrad, hea toit, ja lihtsalt hea olek. Läbisegi põimitud unetute ööde ja peavaludega, aga psssht, see käib aegajalt minu puhul asjaga kaasas lihtsalt. Ja lisaks muidugi see, et APRILL on ju minu kuu. 4 päeva pärast saan jälle vanemaks, noh selliseks kahekümnekaheksaseks seekord... Palju uut on ees. Palju muutusi. Ise veel täpselt ei teagi, mis muutused, aga palju. Mõned on juba tehtud ja mõned seisavad alles ees. Täna aga. Täna ma kirjutan. Ja puhkan. Ja jalutan. Ja mõtisklen.

Ilusat vihma, kui päikest ei anta! ;)

Vaikus.

Vaikus.
Vahel on vaikus see ainuke asi, mis aitab. Siis, kui kõik tuled on kustus. Kardinad akende ees ja telefon välja lülitatud. 2 viimast päeva on otsekui udus möödunud. Selline peavalu, mis lihtsalt silme eest mustaks võtab ja jalad alt. Kuigi jalgu all pole mul niikuinii olnud. Kukkusin pühapäeval trepist alla. Lihtsalt niisama kukkusingi. Ei olnud otseselt nagu põhjust, eks. Aga libisesin. Ja järgmisel hetkel olin poole maa peal pikali ja kui poleks õigel ajal pidama saanud, oleks teise poole trepist pea ees lennanud ja ei tea, kus haiglas hetkel redutaksin. Kipsi polnud vaja, aga kõndida on olnud võimatu selle siniseplekilise jalaga.
Tahtsin vanduda. Kõvasti ja karjudes. Et, miks mina. Aga milleks see. Tahtsin nutta. Paar pisarat tulid ka. Et miks kõik see korraga. Peavalu, jalavalu, seljavalu, muu valu, endast nii kahju, haletsus eks. Aga milleks. See kõik on ju tegelikult mööduv. Juba praegu, täna õhtul, sel hetkel, nüüd ja praegu, ongi parem. Peavalu on peaaegu ajalugu, pärast tuhandet tabletti ja unustatud tunde und; valusa jalaga juba lonkan mööda tuba ringi ja tulbid, need imeilusad tujutõstjad, sirguvad vaasis. Jah. Ma olen hoitud. Õnnetusi juhtub ju kõigiga. Pole kedagi süüdistada. Ega midagi taga nutta. Saan olla ainult tänulik enda inimeste eest. Need minu omad. Kes mulle peavarju pakkusid, süüa, rohtu, hoolt, armastust; kes mind isegi kätel kandsid sõna otseses mõttes. Lihtsalt ongi mu perekond. Kõige paremad sõbrad, keda tahta.
Elu ei ole alati lihtne. Enamasti on mingi trikk, mingi nõks. Aga siis ma hingan. Sisse ja välja. Jah. On küll valus. Ja mitte ainult füüsiline valu. Igatpidi. Tahaks haletseda end. Tahaks peitu pugeda. Aga vot, ei poe. Elu on ka hea. Elu on ilus. Kevad on ju. No pekki. Kui kevadet ka ei näe, siis mida me veel näeme, eks?
Naeratan. Just praegu. Sest mul on kõik olemas. Eks mõni riidehilp jääb alati naistel õnnest puudu. Aga mul on elu. Just nüüd ja praegu. Just täna.

Vaarika.
Sina oled imeline.
Ei. Sul ei ole täna sünnipäev ega pulma-aastapäev. Sul ei ole täna tähtpäeva.
Ma lihtsalt tahan Sulle õelda, et oled imeline. Et oled armastav. Hooliv. Suure südamega eriline noor naine. Iga inimene, kes Sinuga kohtub, on õnnelik. Iga inimene, kes Sinuga tuttavaks saab, saab olema õnnistatud.
Kui Sa palvetad, siis on taevas lahti. Ja Jumal kallab. Suurest kausist. Kallab armu, õnnistusi, armastust, elu, vastuseid, lahendusi...
Vaarika. Sa oled keegi, keda ma iga päev igatsen. Siis, ka kui ma Sulle seda ei ütle. Või ei vasta su sõnumitele. Ma armastan Sind. Kogu südamest. IGA PÄEV. Ma tahan, et läheksid järgi just enda unistustele ja soovidele. Tegutse. Ole julge. Võta vastu see, mis on Sulle mõeldud!
Sina oled imeline!

Kodu. Need lõhnad.

Kodu. Need lõhnad. Ema ahjukartul. Isa dressipluus. Kevade värskus. Ema sall. Need värvid ja maitsed. Kodus on alati hea. Kodus on ka alati veidi teistmoodi. Viimase paari aasta jooksul on mu vanemad 2 korda kolinud ja see on kolmas kodu, kuhu enda kotid poetan ja pea padjale panen. Aga see on ok. Tõrva ongi kodu nüüd.
Pisike postkontor, kus täna käisin, mitte nii hea lõhnaga pood, kust hakkliha ostsin (jejee) ja pimedad tänavad, kust eile õhtul end jalutamas leidsin. Hommikukohv ja isa tehtud omlett. Imemaitsev. Üllatus ukse taga, mida ei ole ära teeninud. Õe kallistus ja musi, sest see on armastus. Uni, mis on nii magus ja kiisumiisu Siimu, kes sinu voodisse ära eksib ja jalgade juurde kerra keerab. Estri kiri hommikul laua peal, mis ütleb, et sa Kindlasti kell 1 kodus oleksid, sest siis tuleb tema ju koolist. Tsau, ema ja isa, näeme teiega pühapäeval, seni hoian Estrit südame lähedal ja nii nagu oskan, aitan tal õppida ja käin jalutamas.
Kodu. Need lõhnad.
Kevad ongi lähedal. Kollased tublid. Raffaello karp laual. Õrn päike, mis endast vaikselt märku annab, õeldes, siit ma tulen, säran ja teen külmale ära. Mingit sorti ootus, vaikne, aga tugev, lausa tungiv... Igatsus. Unistus ja meeletu vajadus läheduse järgi. Teadmine, et Taeva Isa kannab ja hoiab minu pisikesest käest tugevalt kinni. Päike veereb. Uni tuleb.
Sõnad. Teod. Kui Sõna saab Teoks.
Tolm klaveril, mis valguse käes endast märku annab. Aga see on ok. See tolm ei häiri, sest see kodu ei olegi kodu, mis on läikivpuhas. See on kodu, kus on elatud ja armastatud. Riieldud ja vaieldud. Karjutud ja kallistatud. Nutetud ja andeks palutud. Armu palutud. Õnnistust palutud. Käest kinni hoitud ja lahti lastud. Otsuseid tehtud ja õrnalt õhatud - ma armastan sind, just sind.
Midagi minus on teisiti, kui aasta tagasi. Naine minus on kogu aeg olemas olnud. Aga see kevad. Seekord kodus olles. Seekord on teisiti. Ja igakord on ju. Sest meie 2015 ei ole sama. mis 2014. Isegi meie makaronid ei ole samamoodi keedetud nagu eelmisel aastal. Mingi maitse on teine. Eks. Ma tunnen puudust. Mäletan. Mälestan. Aga teisiti kui varem. Õpin hingamist. Ja hingata andmist. Seda vabadust, millest aastaid laulnud olen. Õpin isegi uuesti sõprust. Asju, mis on unustatud. Kord maha maetud.
Istun klaveri taha. Mängin mõned helid. Tõusen püsti, vaatan ahju üle. Istun uuesti klaveri taha. Pisarad voolavad, sest Isa armastus lihtsalt täidab ja hoiab mind. Nii suur on igatsus olla armastatud ja tahetud. Seal klaveri taga. Mõte, et kui ainult oskaks paremini. Essu vaatab silma, küsib, kuidas ma nii hästi oskan. Mina nutan. Mõtlen, mis ta valetab. Aga ei valeta. Lapsed näevad ju teisiti. Eks. Ja see ongi armastus. Arm. Ära teenimata ja lihtsalt. See arm.
Kodu. Need lõhnad.
...

Random act of kindness.

Random act of kindness.
Over the past weeks, months Ive learnt so so much about grace. So much about kindness. And love. And mercy. But mostly Ive learnt about God as The One who never leaves me. Never. He has shown me through people how very much He loves me. How very much He is fond of me.
A cup of coffee from a friend. A huge smile from a kid who walks into our store and doesnt even know me yet trusts me. A hug from mum who loves her daughter more then life. A little note of encouragement. A random act of kindness, but is it really so random? No. I dont believe that. I believe my Father actually plans all these "random" things, we just gotta open our eyes a little more.

Trust me. You are not the only one who needs love.
But also trust me on this - sometimes we gotta take our eyes off of ourselves and start seeing others. Start sharing these random acts of kindness around to those in need and not only. To our friends, to our families...

Sometimes its so hard. So hard you wanna crawl under the blanket and never come out. So hard to even believe that everythings gonna be fine. And esp on those days Ive seen Gods mercy come through so beautifully. Random. Act. Of. Kindness. Yet not so random!

cherry tree

About 1 million days left til spring...
Or not. I am thankful (not every day though I must admit) that we have 4 seasons. Trying to enjoy bits and pieces of winter this year and its a hard process. But just thinking about spring makes me long so bad... Long for something new, something pure and new, fresh, alive... I have always and forever considered myself as a spring-girl (woman, haha) but this time Im kind of counting days (sorry Sven, I know HOW much u love winter)...
Im a little bit of sick again, neck-shoulder pains and staying home to get better for tomorrow (working on Saturday this weekend) and oh boy the longing just growns stronger... I mean WHO doesnt like yellow tulips, little greens on trees, water splashing, birds singing... I love spring. I even dont mind the crazy waters everywhere as long as the dry periond follows!!! So excuse me winter-lovers, but this girl here is waiting for spring. Yes yes yes! :)

Sparkle

Just a little glimpse into my past. Thats exactly what I needed today. To remind myself of who I am and what Im capable of; Which is quite a bit - truth be told. I have grown so much. I was NEVER the ugly duck as the saying goes. I was not. Even if I believed I was, I wasnt! (So werent you btw). But lies do eat into our souls when we grow up and enventually we start to believe them and act on them and we forget who we are. We forget our names. I did.
So yes. I accidentally just stumbled upon that picture yesterday and it was taken quite a while back, 2006, June. What a gorgeous young woman on it. Beautiful smile, warm heart and eyes that say, I want to live and I want to love. I want to see the world and I never wanna get hurt again. Not by people, not by their words, not by their actions. A young woman who is so ready to jump into something so big and adventurous its over her head.
And even though there has been so many tears, so many ups and downs, broken hearts and heart aches that comes through that, SHE is still the same woman. With much more experience in life, yet so vulnerable and open-minded to new things. And she has dreams, big dreams. Beautiful dreams. Which she cant do on her own. But she is ready. She thinks she is. She hopes she is.
So today. As Im looking at that picture. 2006, June. A girl who has just been out from anorexia for 2-3 months. Me. Its me. All beautiful you are my darling, there is no flaw in you. No flaw. There is stuff thats not good, stuff that needs mending, but all impatience, all imprudence, all imperfections make her who she is.
I, you, he, she, needs to be reminded that from time to time, moment to moment. The value. All sons and daughters of God, shine bright. Shine.

I said on my first post this year that this blog might not have that Kirsi-spark. BUT IT DOES. How can it not. :) Alright. Im gonna shut up now. Maybe. Ok. Not really. but have a wonderful weekend and enjoy yourself for a change, ok! :)

WHOAH!

Whoah! Thats a long time. Last time I wrote here was 2014, March and its 2015, January, right about NOW! Its not that I ever wanted to close my blog. Its not that I havent wanted to write.
But I just havent. I have been through some heavy rains and winds and hurts (and also fun and laughter and joy) this last year and sometimes writing takes a toll. It is like opening a wound for everybody to see.
But Im here. Right now. This moment. Its 23:31pm, 3rd of January, 2015, as Im writing again. I guess my blog will never be the same again. It will never have that Kirsika.spark, but it will always be me. The girl, who actually has so much to say, so much on her mind and heart. Maybe a little fearful of what others think, maybe a little insecure but with a crazy big heart and even crazier laughter... Yep, I still sometimes laugh like a little horsey! I bet u would agree with me!
So. I still live in Pärnu. Ok, lets take that "still" away because I actually want to live here. I work in Jenny Kruse charity store as for the moment, and go to Life Centre /my church, I try to do as much singing/music on my free time as possible - this is my place of rest - that MY THING. Always been and always will be... Writing lyrics, songs, words, thoughts mostly on my phone these days so basically I do still write. Its not like I JUST stopped! ;)
Okey, I will keep this one short. Just because I want to.
Live, breathe, drink good coffee and laugh a lot, really - laugh!!!!

March winds...

And the March winds are blowing real strong... I must say Im scared of how time goes by so fast. Its been a year since I found myself a church, a place I call HOME. This month has definitely been a month of decisions. Ok actually this year in general. And only good has come out of it. I guess the sentence I would use for this year is : the best is yet to come. And truth be told THE BEST IS YET TO COME. I want to wake up/call alive all my biggest dreams this year. I want to start working on my biggest dreams. Go for something, go for something new. I need your help. I need people around me to encourage me. No one can do things alone. We all need someone to tell us that we CAN DO IT. That we have what it takes. And the thing is, we all do have what it takes. We all.

I am finally doing some things for myself. I went to a theater last week, oh and I went to 2 (+1 on the previous week) concerts and I just enjoyed all 3 of them. It fed my soul. I am 26 for goodness sake, soon 27. I love youth. I love church. I like my job. But I need something that is just for ME from time to time. We all do I guess... And seeing Pride and Prejudice on a stage was just way over my mind. Such a precious evening...

Mmmmmh and ofc I am so very much looking forward to go to Creek. It will be awesome. It will be one of the highlights this year. And it seems that once again I am the youngest one... Guess there will be a lot of taking care of me and looking after me, oh and do I mind? Not at all. :D

I still have my upanddownmoments and I guess people are used to this already. I had a conversation with a friend last night and asked if I am wining too much... Sometimes I think I am. But then again. I am not a robot. I have feelings. I have emotions. I have all that every woman has. YouknowwhatImean and maybe you dontknowwhatImean. But heck I am not a robot and never will be. I will still wine occasionally and I will still be me every day. And if someone tries to change me (except God) then I assure you that it is not working. ;)

Hello February, goodbye February.

Seriously. Where did January go? And now February as well? Almost done with. 2014 is just going by so fast... Ok, Im maybe just seeing it that way right now; anyway, its been pretty awesome start to this year. In January I had my trip to Sweden and I saw Gods hand upon it so strong and firm. And now Im back to Pärnu, to socalled real life and you know what, its not so bad at all. ;) Who said that real life, that right now, has to be hard, bad... Yes, I have my emotional up-and-down-moments and I am an emotional being. Sometimes Im on a roller-coaster and I feel so bad about it especially when my loved ones have to be around me at that time BUT I am me and I am awesome (as one of the coolest people from Norway whom I have met only once, would put it).
When I think about 2 things that have happened in February I get so excited and also a bit nervous at the same time. Im just not understanding why God loves me so much. Why do I have HIS favor. I probably should not share about the first one so publicly but its something to do with HIM assuring me I am at the most right place in a right time. And strongly assuring, not just my own thoughts or something. And second thing happened last night when I got an email saying that someone Ive only met ONCE just paid for my whole trip to Athens, Creek in April (Ill tell more about it at one point maybe just not now). THIS is Amazing! I am amazed by His love for me. Oh and dont get me wrong, its not that oh, I got this gift etc, that now God is Good. Oh now. He is always, forever good! But He loves me through so many different details that sometimes its easy to miss them, right. I mean I look out my window each morning and know Im loved. But seeing that trip paid, this is just over my mind. This is not some little money. But this is His money. And when he puts someone in your heart, do not hesitate to support them.
There is some good stuff going on in my church and I believe that God is telling us all here that new times are coming. He is healing some hearts and He is restoring some past pains. I believe that. I really do. I need Him in every area. On my own I am greedy. I am mean. I am selfish. Well. Through Him I am loved. I am restored. I am beautiful. I am something more then just the number on my scale. You know.
May February end good for you. May you be COVERED by His blood daily (oh not literally but may His cross take away your sins, your pain, your hurts)... May you know you are loved loved loved! May I know that every single breath I take.

Just when you have NO idea where to get food for the day (just to say I needed winter-boots so no leftover money for this week) a friend sends you a text-message with a question if you need any food for lunch. YES YES YES. Faithful Father, why do I worry about tomorrow? Or in my case, today! :)
HAVE A BLESSED, FAVORED, OVERWHELMING, good, peaceful week! And fun and adventurous as well... ;)

Oh hello.

I have not been here for a while. Its because sometimes life happens.
I was away for a little more than a week and in Sweden this time. So as most of you know, I work in Jenny Kruse charity shop to support Jenny Kruse mission boat in Estonia. It is meant to be an actual mission boat to sail in the waters and spread the gospel and in last summer it sure did that. Oh and about the trip... I had a chance to go to Sweden with the people I work for and our captain and then one precious lady Anne from the organisation Shalom. The first half of the trip we were in Oskarsham; basically I was the only one who didnt know the people so I had to be alert all the time to new faces ect. Was good though, a bit stressful with all the board-meetings and translating I needed to do (coz without thinking I promised Ill help with that, haha) etc but I also got to be a part of one day with the youth from the local Bible school. Alari shared about the New Covenant and I shared my testimony after that plus lead worship and that was fun, that was where I felt home and knew its my chance to be the channel of His love. :)
After 4 days we traveled to another city and oh boy I cant remember the name, haha, you will survive. I know. ;) Anyway there we met with another bunch of good people and felt so home (thank you Fredrik and Marina, you are SO precious)! So much worship time, so much sharing and caring and pouring of Gods love. Got to know a lot about Salvation Army and feel it was necessary. The trip ended on Tueseday this week when we finally arrived home, to Pärnu. I went straight to work but felt refreshed and ready to continue here... Many ideas in my head and in my heart, so we will see what works!

But if there is one thing I am seeing about myself lately, well, let me share it.
I cannot be forced into doing something. I close up and nobody cant get me out of my shell then. Even if I try to come out I feel like a wall hitting up. Worship. I LOVE worship and I love singing but I am not so spontaneous as people think I am. I sometimes dont like myself for that and hopefully one day when someone asks me to bring out my guitar, I can do with a smile while being all relaxed BUT right now I get stressed. There are times when I dont but usually the first reaction of mine is a stressball emerged. :) Just saying, so dont get offended if I say NO from time to time to music, to worship. I am not saying no to God, at least not trying to but to people I do say no.
Also on our great trip I noticed how I closed up when these situations came around. I felt so bad about it, but first of all I am not that confident (dealing with that) in my guitar playing and feel incomplete so often... Anyway realizing I cant handle pressure so well. And I cant hide my emotions so well, hahah, which makes the first one a bit hard. ;)
But I love challenges because I know they make me who I am... I dont like the mindset that "Kirsika, you should be ready all the time to worship" because I am not a robot, BUT I do understand the desire behind that sentence. The desire to know and love God with all our hearts, to worship Him 24x7 with our lifestyles. Maybe not with a guitar and a song, but with our lives...

Friends. Have a great weekend ahead. I am trying to rest and also work a bit with some projects. Other then that, you know what, Life is good. Life is so good and so precious. Value it and breath it in. ;)
Kirsi

Being bullied myself as a little girl this video made me cry out loud early in the morning.
Hope you are not the one who walks away. Hope you are not the one who starts filming. Or the one who ignores.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EisZTB4ZQxY

Something something

It was absolutely amazing.
The concert was everything I dreamed and hoped about. It had a little ups and downs and I was afraid that Ill mess up but putting it all together with Margus and Kaidi and a good team of helpers... It was so good and Im so happy we decided to pull it together a bit bigger. I do have 3 songs up on my music-page that you can listen to from the live-concert and here´s THE link:
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/sets/j-ulukontsert-2013

Its been some great weeks behind me. Oh its been hard weeks full of work and youth and church but its all been worth it. I wonder almost every week why am I doing the things I am doing BUT then something happens and I see it all together again, I mean I see it how it really is and then I know. I am doing these things because I am suppose to be exactly here at this time. This is my time and my life and I have everything that God has intended for me right now. Maybe I have had to say no to so many concerts etc but RIGHT now I have what I need and its enough.
I could write down the highlights from 2013 but I dont really bother. What matters the most is that everything I do I want to do for God. I complain and gruff and puff and I must admit that quite often, BUT heck, life is worth so much more. I even complain that I dont get everything I want straight away BUT what if straight away is not the best for me. Anyway. 2013 has been hard but good. So very good. And so very interesting. Big changes, big steps of faith, full of pain and hurt, full of joy and love and laughter. Full of friends and family. Full of mistakes and forgiveness. Full of pictures.

Enjoy your life. Appreciate life. Appreciate big things, small things, sad things, happy things.
Have fun. :)
Cry if you need to.
And hug someone you love.
Hug someone you dont love.

How.

Performing in front of your loved ones, the ones who know you and you know them, is always the hardest. No, I am not afraid, but yes, I am afraid. The Christmas-concert is only a few days ahead and right now there will be only one rehearsal before Sunday. ONE! Oh boy. There are reasons for that which cannot be shared publicly, hehe... But I am also excited. Because I know it will be one heck of a concert. Surprises included. ;)
Im just starting to repeat myself, but its been really crazy for me... So much to do always and when I count the times Ive been sick, oh oh, just way too much of that. So no more. Now its cheers for being healthy and eating good food and enjoying the crazyness as well because you know what, one CAN actually do that. Enjoy the crazy times. Because in the midst of all the stuff that needs to be done, there is ALWAYS fun and precious moments. Playing card games or watching a stupid movie that doesnt give you much but still time spent with friends while doing that, seeing a child laugh in the store, a friend who has survived a bad accident comes back home-church-to friends... Precious. And so valuable. Or really, seeing an eleven-year-old girl enter a church one day and actually staying and now being a part of it. Brings tears to my eyes. Tears of thankfulness and joy. I am so happy and relieved that God brings us these moments of REST because thats HOW He can show us He is real, He is right here, with US! Right now. In every single moment. Every. Single. Moment.
So how do I do it? Work full time, youth, church, worship, music, concerts, being sick, time with friends, time with God, reading, time with myself??!!. Well. I take one step at a time. I look forward to tomorrow BUT I Live right now, I live today. One step at a time. Because believe me, skip a step and you will fall. Though even then there is Someone who brings me up. From the fall.
Be courageous this week. Be bold to tell someone they are important to you. Be bold to encourage. To love. To give a hug that might save someones day. Be courageous.
:)

Let go. Let go. Fight?

So which one is it? Fight or let go?

The question for me has always been about this. There have been times I have known 100% that I had to let go. And another times I knew I had to fight for something. For my freedom. For my family. For friends.
And yet again in many areas of my life I question the very same thing. To fight or to let go. And truth be told - I have no idea. Some days its as if I know. Its as if I know that Im suppose to go on without letting go. And some other days, moments, I feel the urge, the great need to let go.
And what about the saying - let go and let God? Why then are we suppose to hold on to some stuff and let go other? Haa, I know I sound like a desperate woman, but I am not. I know who I am. Its just that there are days I wonder... And question.
Just like everybody else.
I am not frantic.
I am not desperate.
I am just someone who thinks way too much. And yet again, I was created to think. To reason and to question. And I was created to love, to live, to laugh, to hold on and to let go.
For years one of my favorite passages in Bible has been about timing. There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven... A time. A certain time. I tend to forget that. I tend to press on with my own knowledge which is 0 compared to God´s.
I am probably not making sense today. And thats 100% ok. I guess I cant always make sense (read-almost never)...
I was asked yesterday if I KNOW my own value. I couldnt say yes. I couldnt say no. So I said the simple thing that I almost always say. I said I know that I am loved. Oh boy. But do I know that I am also worthy of being loved. Worthy of being fought for. Of being pursued. I have stopped believing that long time ago. So I keep saying to people that I am loved. I just pray that God would show us all our true value. So that we could learn to trust Him in every question we face. Even if we need to let go of something or hold on to another thing.

But how am I doing. Really. How am I doing today, or yesterday or tomorrow. I guess I am good. I have my moments where I wanna scream and hit someone. And then I normally shut down. Instead of being angry I shut down. And there are moments I am so happy I could kiss someone or give a Kirsika-hug (which I do anyway)... But mostly I am being me. Without masks. If Im sad everybody knows that and if Im happy everybody knows that. Cant hide a freaking thing when it comes to me. Sometimes I wish I could. I have had some great moments with music lately and for that I am so very very very excited and thankful and happy.
Because if I could choose just 1 thing. 1 thing to do. Then it would be music. Singing, guitar. Worship. Then I would give my 100% and everything else I would put a little behind. Then I wouldnt fight so hard to do about 99 other things because if I dont then what would people think. Jup. I said it.
And I want to do all these other 99 things. But maybe I shouldnt.

Like all of them 99 different things I just shared about. ;)

Advent

Patience is NOT my strongest side. I have no idea how many blog-posts are about waiting, patience, expecting the right time, waiting on God etc. No idea. But probably 50% or something... I am not surprised though. Everything in this world just goes faster and faster and people tend to get things quicker and if not, then they give up and move to next thing. Like there is NO time to wait on anything because you gotta have it now and if not now then there is always something new and "better" ahead. Right?

Oh how Im struggling with this mindset. Because I want my things now. Its as if Im waiting for my life to start even though it has already started 26 years ago. God gave me life and he chose my parents for that. For 26 years I have lived a full life. Struggles, joys, tears, laughter, snow, rain, friends. I have had it all and I STILL HAVE IT ALL. Its not good to always always look forward for a better day. Coz then one definitely never enjoys a moment. The moment one has right now. 

I am looking out my window and I see a light pink-orange color in the sky. Its still early and I live on a 5th floor so the views I get each morning are sometimes breathtaking, sometimes not so... BUT mostly I know that heck, if I cant even enjoy the view, the moment that I have been given right now, HOW can I be sure that whats ahead, is the start of my "wanted" life? 

Appreciating the little things is so hard. Once you start though... Oh wow. I mean I look back at yesterday and yes, there were moments in it I wish I COULD erase, some words spoken by me I wish I could take back, acts done I wish I wish I wish. BUT it was such a good day. SO good. And my hope is that when I look back a year from now, I see the good. The beautiful. Not the impatience, the constant waiting of better, bigger...

I had a little concert yesterday with my friend Kaidi. And there was someone from the local church sharing a word because it was the 1st advent and she was suppose to lit the candle etc. Anyway, she said that we live in this fast world where people expect everything NOW. And even with Christmas, we start Christmas now, we are so bad with waiting, but advent-time is the time where we can reflect, we can wait for our God, our precious Savior... I still remember the first time I came home for Christmas from Wales and my little girl Ester ran to me with an advent-chocolate-calendar and said that its for me. And then she was like, Im sorry, I ate a few chocolates cos I couldnt wait, resist, hahahaha, I laughed my head off. Cute as she can be. But anyway, eating the chocolates coz one cant wait... Oh and btw, the concert was so good. Enjoyed sharing about God the Father publicly and had a good time at the kindergarten principal home later on... :)

Have a good advent-time. SPEND IT WITH YOUR FAMILY, friends. Appreciate, love, live and laugh!!!!!!!!!

Rest

You are my Savior.
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/oceans-where-feet-mai-fail

This weekend was a blessing to me. I didnt rest, yet I did rest. I had a chance to visit my parents in Vodja in their new "home" which is a long story anyway that most of you know already... Anyway, it was my mums 45-birthday and we celebrated. With tons of food, friends and family. No rest though, hehe... Helping to cook food for approx. 25-30 people was my main task and then paramparaa - music!
That was my rest. To do music with Margus again. Oh I didnt know I had missed it so very much... He is so good, he never looks any papers, just plays from his memory and then he says he is not good... Like WHAT? Anyway, I just enjoyed it. When I sing while he plays, I can just flow and go wherever I want to go
without worrying too much... So it was my rest after many months. So the Soundcloud link - there I uploaded one of our recordings, I also have an Estonian version but its not up yet. Maybe soon, maybe not at all, I guess we will see...
And yesterday babysitting Ester, well, not really. She doesnt really need babysitting, just someone who is with her. We went for a walk outside, watched cartoons, did her schoolwork together. Was a good Sunday and later on dad and Margus took me back to Pärnu, so here I am. Home. This is my home and I missed my bed and friends and family here... :) Wherever you are, you create a place for yourself, that includes friends, places, your things. So THIS here is my place. And I am happy here. :)
Have a wonderfulll week. Okidoki.
:)

10 weeks

When everything seems so overwhelming.
From time to time I struggle with my emotions so that it pours out to everyone I care about. It is just overflowing, overwhelming, and I have decided not to wear masks. I cant. Its not me. If Id be wearing masks then Id be dying inside. And I couldnt share the love that God has given me for people.
But overwhelming. Yes. I told two of my girls yesterday NOT to hide their tears. Oh them trying to be so strong. To keep it together. NO. Please do not keep it together if there is nothing to hold on to anymore. Because at a place of hurt and pain and tears and crying there is actually a chance for healing. There is actually a place for God to come and be the Dad He wants to be. The love of your life. Of my life.
I think I cried through all the meeting yesterday. I cried after that. And after-after that. And when I went to sleep I had peace. Because it came so strong to me: Let GO and let God!
Dont try to be so strong all the time. Why the heck do we need God if we ourselves try to manage all the time? We dont need God then... Ford goodness sake I havent been a Christian for 20 years just because Im following a trend. I am a Christian because I believe I need God in my life. I need my Father. I need Him to Father me and mother me. I am hurt. I am broken. I cant and wont and dont want to do it on my own.
Maybe you say that I am weak. Oh crap, let me be weak so I could be strong in Him then. And I dont know how it works. I still dont know. I just know that somehow in my weakness He usually finds me and lifts me up, gives me hope and brings me future. Somehow He does it. In His loving way.

My time in Pärnu has been so intense. 10 weeks in Pärnu has gone by so fast. Havent had time to breathe except a few days off where I have just been. And not doing anything is hard for me. It makes me feel like Im nothing and like Im wasting time. Which are the biggest lies one can have. I just read about Sabbath last night and it really touched my heart because God has told us to rest. Cmn, in the first page in Bible GOD RESTED. Then why are we so busy and always doing doing doing in order to earn love and affection and attention... Afraid to take a day off, a day of rest...
A full week of preparing, 2 days of parties in Pärnu and Sindi and yesterday...Well, just cleaning the place which looked like it was trashed. 3 DAYS full work instead of resting... And then I had the breaking point where I just couldnt stop crying. My heart was literally aching for myself, for my youth. I cant share everything here whats going on, but it seems there is not one person on planet earth who is not aching and hurting. Everybody has their pain, their hurts from past, unforgiveness and sometimes I wish God would not let me feel what other people feel but if I wouldnt have that I wouldnt be able to love like I do...

Oh but I have to say that these 10 weeks have been the hardest and yet the best ones. It was my decision to come, and it has been the best decision to stay.

Hugs, K

Word and prayer

I am not good with reading Bible and I admit it. Im not good with certain times of prayer and I admit it.
But lately I discovered something that really helps me read my book of life... I placed it on my kitchen table a week ago and every morning and dinner or whenever Im there I read at least a passage or a scripture and it has started to nourish me. Maybe not yet in a crazy deep level but to the point where Im like, hey, its good. And its food. Food for my heart and soul and flesh and spirit. I found this scripture this morning where it said that if I hope in my Lord and give my ways to Him then He will make all things good... You know what, IF thats not encouraging then I dont know what is. If I trust in HIM then He will work things out for me. I mean if I think about the fact that Bible is a love letter from God to His people where He just wants His kids back... A love letter! That means that he actually means everything He says through Bible. A love letter to me. To You.
And prayer... Yes. Maybe I dont pray at a certain time every single day but I talk to Him. I talk to my healer. To my savior. To my Father. I share my struggles even though sometimes it takes an eternity for me to open my mouth and actually say anything. But every time I do open my mouth I know He hears me. He sees my pain. He sees my joy. My thankfulness and my agony as well.
I dont know everything about God. I know only very little. I wish Id know Him in a way where its so intimate that NOTHING shakes me anymore. No news about abandonment or tragedies or a bad word. That nothing can take me away from the Love of my life. But not there yet. :)
Anyway. Im done now. Said what I had in my heart and head and even in my fingers. And gonna log out now. But take these words with you as you close your computer and go about your everyday duties:
You are HIS BELOVED. His loved One!
K