From time to time I struggle with my emotions so that it pours out to everyone I care about. It is just overflowing, overwhelming, and I have decided not to wear masks. I cant. Its not me. If Id be wearing masks then Id be dying inside. And I couldnt share the love that God has given me for people.
But overwhelming. Yes. I told two of my girls yesterday NOT to hide their tears. Oh them trying to be so strong. To keep it together. NO. Please do not keep it together if there is nothing to hold on to anymore. Because at a place of hurt and pain and tears and crying there is actually a chance for healing. There is actually a place for God to come and be the Dad He wants to be. The love of your life. Of my life.
I think I cried through all the meeting yesterday. I cried after that. And after-after that. And when I went to sleep I had peace. Because it came so strong to me: Let GO and let God!
Dont try to be so strong all the time. Why the heck do we need God if we ourselves try to manage all the time? We dont need God then... Ford goodness sake I havent been a Christian for 20 years just because Im following a trend. I am a Christian because I believe I need God in my life. I need my Father. I need Him to Father me and mother me. I am hurt. I am broken. I cant and wont and dont want to do it on my own.
Maybe you say that I am weak. Oh crap, let me be weak so I could be strong in Him then. And I dont know how it works. I still dont know. I just know that somehow in my weakness He usually finds me and lifts me up, gives me hope and brings me future. Somehow He does it. In His loving way.
My time in Pärnu has been so intense. 10 weeks in Pärnu has gone by so fast. Havent had time to breathe except a few days off where I have just been. And not doing anything is hard for me. It makes me feel like Im nothing and like Im wasting time. Which are the biggest lies one can have. I just read about Sabbath last night and it really touched my heart because God has told us to rest. Cmn, in the first page in Bible GOD RESTED. Then why are we so busy and always doing doing doing in order to earn love and affection and attention... Afraid to take a day off, a day of rest...A full week of preparing, 2 days of parties in Pärnu and Sindi and yesterday...Well, just cleaning the place which looked like it was trashed. 3 DAYS full work instead of resting... And then I had the breaking point where I just couldnt stop crying. My heart was literally aching for myself, for my youth. I cant share everything here whats going on, but it seems there is not one person on planet earth who is not aching and hurting. Everybody has their pain, their hurts from past, unforgiveness and sometimes I wish God would not let me feel what other people feel but if I wouldnt have that I wouldnt be able to love like I do...
Oh but I have to say that these 10 weeks have been the hardest and yet the best ones. It was my decision to come, and it has been the best decision to stay.
Hugs, K
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