Something something

It was absolutely amazing.
The concert was everything I dreamed and hoped about. It had a little ups and downs and I was afraid that Ill mess up but putting it all together with Margus and Kaidi and a good team of helpers... It was so good and Im so happy we decided to pull it together a bit bigger. I do have 3 songs up on my music-page that you can listen to from the live-concert and here´s THE link:
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/sets/j-ulukontsert-2013

Its been some great weeks behind me. Oh its been hard weeks full of work and youth and church but its all been worth it. I wonder almost every week why am I doing the things I am doing BUT then something happens and I see it all together again, I mean I see it how it really is and then I know. I am doing these things because I am suppose to be exactly here at this time. This is my time and my life and I have everything that God has intended for me right now. Maybe I have had to say no to so many concerts etc but RIGHT now I have what I need and its enough.
I could write down the highlights from 2013 but I dont really bother. What matters the most is that everything I do I want to do for God. I complain and gruff and puff and I must admit that quite often, BUT heck, life is worth so much more. I even complain that I dont get everything I want straight away BUT what if straight away is not the best for me. Anyway. 2013 has been hard but good. So very good. And so very interesting. Big changes, big steps of faith, full of pain and hurt, full of joy and love and laughter. Full of friends and family. Full of mistakes and forgiveness. Full of pictures.

Enjoy your life. Appreciate life. Appreciate big things, small things, sad things, happy things.
Have fun. :)
Cry if you need to.
And hug someone you love.
Hug someone you dont love.

How.

Performing in front of your loved ones, the ones who know you and you know them, is always the hardest. No, I am not afraid, but yes, I am afraid. The Christmas-concert is only a few days ahead and right now there will be only one rehearsal before Sunday. ONE! Oh boy. There are reasons for that which cannot be shared publicly, hehe... But I am also excited. Because I know it will be one heck of a concert. Surprises included. ;)
Im just starting to repeat myself, but its been really crazy for me... So much to do always and when I count the times Ive been sick, oh oh, just way too much of that. So no more. Now its cheers for being healthy and eating good food and enjoying the crazyness as well because you know what, one CAN actually do that. Enjoy the crazy times. Because in the midst of all the stuff that needs to be done, there is ALWAYS fun and precious moments. Playing card games or watching a stupid movie that doesnt give you much but still time spent with friends while doing that, seeing a child laugh in the store, a friend who has survived a bad accident comes back home-church-to friends... Precious. And so valuable. Or really, seeing an eleven-year-old girl enter a church one day and actually staying and now being a part of it. Brings tears to my eyes. Tears of thankfulness and joy. I am so happy and relieved that God brings us these moments of REST because thats HOW He can show us He is real, He is right here, with US! Right now. In every single moment. Every. Single. Moment.
So how do I do it? Work full time, youth, church, worship, music, concerts, being sick, time with friends, time with God, reading, time with myself??!!. Well. I take one step at a time. I look forward to tomorrow BUT I Live right now, I live today. One step at a time. Because believe me, skip a step and you will fall. Though even then there is Someone who brings me up. From the fall.
Be courageous this week. Be bold to tell someone they are important to you. Be bold to encourage. To love. To give a hug that might save someones day. Be courageous.
:)

Let go. Let go. Fight?

So which one is it? Fight or let go?

The question for me has always been about this. There have been times I have known 100% that I had to let go. And another times I knew I had to fight for something. For my freedom. For my family. For friends.
And yet again in many areas of my life I question the very same thing. To fight or to let go. And truth be told - I have no idea. Some days its as if I know. Its as if I know that Im suppose to go on without letting go. And some other days, moments, I feel the urge, the great need to let go.
And what about the saying - let go and let God? Why then are we suppose to hold on to some stuff and let go other? Haa, I know I sound like a desperate woman, but I am not. I know who I am. Its just that there are days I wonder... And question.
Just like everybody else.
I am not frantic.
I am not desperate.
I am just someone who thinks way too much. And yet again, I was created to think. To reason and to question. And I was created to love, to live, to laugh, to hold on and to let go.
For years one of my favorite passages in Bible has been about timing. There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven... A time. A certain time. I tend to forget that. I tend to press on with my own knowledge which is 0 compared to God´s.
I am probably not making sense today. And thats 100% ok. I guess I cant always make sense (read-almost never)...
I was asked yesterday if I KNOW my own value. I couldnt say yes. I couldnt say no. So I said the simple thing that I almost always say. I said I know that I am loved. Oh boy. But do I know that I am also worthy of being loved. Worthy of being fought for. Of being pursued. I have stopped believing that long time ago. So I keep saying to people that I am loved. I just pray that God would show us all our true value. So that we could learn to trust Him in every question we face. Even if we need to let go of something or hold on to another thing.

But how am I doing. Really. How am I doing today, or yesterday or tomorrow. I guess I am good. I have my moments where I wanna scream and hit someone. And then I normally shut down. Instead of being angry I shut down. And there are moments I am so happy I could kiss someone or give a Kirsika-hug (which I do anyway)... But mostly I am being me. Without masks. If Im sad everybody knows that and if Im happy everybody knows that. Cant hide a freaking thing when it comes to me. Sometimes I wish I could. I have had some great moments with music lately and for that I am so very very very excited and thankful and happy.
Because if I could choose just 1 thing. 1 thing to do. Then it would be music. Singing, guitar. Worship. Then I would give my 100% and everything else I would put a little behind. Then I wouldnt fight so hard to do about 99 other things because if I dont then what would people think. Jup. I said it.
And I want to do all these other 99 things. But maybe I shouldnt.

Like all of them 99 different things I just shared about. ;)

Advent

Patience is NOT my strongest side. I have no idea how many blog-posts are about waiting, patience, expecting the right time, waiting on God etc. No idea. But probably 50% or something... I am not surprised though. Everything in this world just goes faster and faster and people tend to get things quicker and if not, then they give up and move to next thing. Like there is NO time to wait on anything because you gotta have it now and if not now then there is always something new and "better" ahead. Right?

Oh how Im struggling with this mindset. Because I want my things now. Its as if Im waiting for my life to start even though it has already started 26 years ago. God gave me life and he chose my parents for that. For 26 years I have lived a full life. Struggles, joys, tears, laughter, snow, rain, friends. I have had it all and I STILL HAVE IT ALL. Its not good to always always look forward for a better day. Coz then one definitely never enjoys a moment. The moment one has right now. 

I am looking out my window and I see a light pink-orange color in the sky. Its still early and I live on a 5th floor so the views I get each morning are sometimes breathtaking, sometimes not so... BUT mostly I know that heck, if I cant even enjoy the view, the moment that I have been given right now, HOW can I be sure that whats ahead, is the start of my "wanted" life? 

Appreciating the little things is so hard. Once you start though... Oh wow. I mean I look back at yesterday and yes, there were moments in it I wish I COULD erase, some words spoken by me I wish I could take back, acts done I wish I wish I wish. BUT it was such a good day. SO good. And my hope is that when I look back a year from now, I see the good. The beautiful. Not the impatience, the constant waiting of better, bigger...

I had a little concert yesterday with my friend Kaidi. And there was someone from the local church sharing a word because it was the 1st advent and she was suppose to lit the candle etc. Anyway, she said that we live in this fast world where people expect everything NOW. And even with Christmas, we start Christmas now, we are so bad with waiting, but advent-time is the time where we can reflect, we can wait for our God, our precious Savior... I still remember the first time I came home for Christmas from Wales and my little girl Ester ran to me with an advent-chocolate-calendar and said that its for me. And then she was like, Im sorry, I ate a few chocolates cos I couldnt wait, resist, hahahaha, I laughed my head off. Cute as she can be. But anyway, eating the chocolates coz one cant wait... Oh and btw, the concert was so good. Enjoyed sharing about God the Father publicly and had a good time at the kindergarten principal home later on... :)

Have a good advent-time. SPEND IT WITH YOUR FAMILY, friends. Appreciate, love, live and laugh!!!!!!!!!

Rest

You are my Savior.
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/oceans-where-feet-mai-fail

This weekend was a blessing to me. I didnt rest, yet I did rest. I had a chance to visit my parents in Vodja in their new "home" which is a long story anyway that most of you know already... Anyway, it was my mums 45-birthday and we celebrated. With tons of food, friends and family. No rest though, hehe... Helping to cook food for approx. 25-30 people was my main task and then paramparaa - music!
That was my rest. To do music with Margus again. Oh I didnt know I had missed it so very much... He is so good, he never looks any papers, just plays from his memory and then he says he is not good... Like WHAT? Anyway, I just enjoyed it. When I sing while he plays, I can just flow and go wherever I want to go
without worrying too much... So it was my rest after many months. So the Soundcloud link - there I uploaded one of our recordings, I also have an Estonian version but its not up yet. Maybe soon, maybe not at all, I guess we will see...
And yesterday babysitting Ester, well, not really. She doesnt really need babysitting, just someone who is with her. We went for a walk outside, watched cartoons, did her schoolwork together. Was a good Sunday and later on dad and Margus took me back to Pärnu, so here I am. Home. This is my home and I missed my bed and friends and family here... :) Wherever you are, you create a place for yourself, that includes friends, places, your things. So THIS here is my place. And I am happy here. :)
Have a wonderfulll week. Okidoki.
:)

10 weeks

When everything seems so overwhelming.
From time to time I struggle with my emotions so that it pours out to everyone I care about. It is just overflowing, overwhelming, and I have decided not to wear masks. I cant. Its not me. If Id be wearing masks then Id be dying inside. And I couldnt share the love that God has given me for people.
But overwhelming. Yes. I told two of my girls yesterday NOT to hide their tears. Oh them trying to be so strong. To keep it together. NO. Please do not keep it together if there is nothing to hold on to anymore. Because at a place of hurt and pain and tears and crying there is actually a chance for healing. There is actually a place for God to come and be the Dad He wants to be. The love of your life. Of my life.
I think I cried through all the meeting yesterday. I cried after that. And after-after that. And when I went to sleep I had peace. Because it came so strong to me: Let GO and let God!
Dont try to be so strong all the time. Why the heck do we need God if we ourselves try to manage all the time? We dont need God then... Ford goodness sake I havent been a Christian for 20 years just because Im following a trend. I am a Christian because I believe I need God in my life. I need my Father. I need Him to Father me and mother me. I am hurt. I am broken. I cant and wont and dont want to do it on my own.
Maybe you say that I am weak. Oh crap, let me be weak so I could be strong in Him then. And I dont know how it works. I still dont know. I just know that somehow in my weakness He usually finds me and lifts me up, gives me hope and brings me future. Somehow He does it. In His loving way.

My time in Pärnu has been so intense. 10 weeks in Pärnu has gone by so fast. Havent had time to breathe except a few days off where I have just been. And not doing anything is hard for me. It makes me feel like Im nothing and like Im wasting time. Which are the biggest lies one can have. I just read about Sabbath last night and it really touched my heart because God has told us to rest. Cmn, in the first page in Bible GOD RESTED. Then why are we so busy and always doing doing doing in order to earn love and affection and attention... Afraid to take a day off, a day of rest...
A full week of preparing, 2 days of parties in Pärnu and Sindi and yesterday...Well, just cleaning the place which looked like it was trashed. 3 DAYS full work instead of resting... And then I had the breaking point where I just couldnt stop crying. My heart was literally aching for myself, for my youth. I cant share everything here whats going on, but it seems there is not one person on planet earth who is not aching and hurting. Everybody has their pain, their hurts from past, unforgiveness and sometimes I wish God would not let me feel what other people feel but if I wouldnt have that I wouldnt be able to love like I do...

Oh but I have to say that these 10 weeks have been the hardest and yet the best ones. It was my decision to come, and it has been the best decision to stay.

Hugs, K

Word and prayer

I am not good with reading Bible and I admit it. Im not good with certain times of prayer and I admit it.
But lately I discovered something that really helps me read my book of life... I placed it on my kitchen table a week ago and every morning and dinner or whenever Im there I read at least a passage or a scripture and it has started to nourish me. Maybe not yet in a crazy deep level but to the point where Im like, hey, its good. And its food. Food for my heart and soul and flesh and spirit. I found this scripture this morning where it said that if I hope in my Lord and give my ways to Him then He will make all things good... You know what, IF thats not encouraging then I dont know what is. If I trust in HIM then He will work things out for me. I mean if I think about the fact that Bible is a love letter from God to His people where He just wants His kids back... A love letter! That means that he actually means everything He says through Bible. A love letter to me. To You.
And prayer... Yes. Maybe I dont pray at a certain time every single day but I talk to Him. I talk to my healer. To my savior. To my Father. I share my struggles even though sometimes it takes an eternity for me to open my mouth and actually say anything. But every time I do open my mouth I know He hears me. He sees my pain. He sees my joy. My thankfulness and my agony as well.
I dont know everything about God. I know only very little. I wish Id know Him in a way where its so intimate that NOTHING shakes me anymore. No news about abandonment or tragedies or a bad word. That nothing can take me away from the Love of my life. But not there yet. :)
Anyway. Im done now. Said what I had in my heart and head and even in my fingers. And gonna log out now. But take these words with you as you close your computer and go about your everyday duties:
You are HIS BELOVED. His loved One!
K

I want my chicken and I want it now!

"I cant do it" "I dont have time" "I am not enough" "I am afraid to try it because I might fail" and so on and so on... Its like a constant battle in my life lately. I visited a friend yesterday whom Ive known way over 20 years now, she is the girl I could go through fire with because she is just someone who one can trust. My first childhood friend and heck, I know we have a long future ahead as well... But anyway, that was not where I wanted to go to with my story. I shared some of my struggles with her and realized that I use those expressions way too much. I am afraid which means I live if fear which means in many areas in my life there is no freedom.
My favorite songs through some years now has been Faithful Father and Freedom. Both songs share some wisdom by which we could live by if we choose to. In Him we can fully trust who knows our future, the One who brings Freedom and wants us to live in Freedom. Which means NO fear, NO worrying, NO judgement and failure... Because when we do fail and feel like we are not enough then there is freedom, you know! Freedom to choose to be who we are.

BUT we use our little sentences like "I cant do it" and "I will fail if I try". Well, maybe the thing is that you actually CANT do it because on your own you dont even have to do it. I mean, I look at my life right now and I see so much potential and I see so much I could do but use those excuses all the time. Like they belong into my heart and there are days I see the truth behind and then there are days I want to run and not do anything because I CANT. Or I hide behind the typical - I dont have time - sentence. Well, we all have 24x7 right?!! Oh boy, I sometimes come home from work and I am tired as a dog. Ok, probably most dogs are not as tired as I am then but anyway... Lets just say Id rather spend all my evening watching TV (that I dont have) then go to church and spent time with people. BUT I choose people because I love people and I love investing myself into their lives. I might not see myself as good and as worthy as I am in the eyes of my Lord but I still can choose to trust that He knows what He is doing through me. Right?

And sometimes we want things to happen fast. Like you know when you were little and got to use computer for the first time (you get it when ure my age or older) and the computer took 10-15 minutes to start up, haha... And you waited patiently because you didnt know computers will start up within seconds in future. You waited. Patiently. And now, if a computer is too full of crap or something, it doesnt start up that fast and you panic because you want it NOW! REALLY? Get a grip. I mean it. We are so used to get everything RIGHT NOW or else we dont want it at all.
Let me give you an example of my own behavior the other day in the store... Oh boy did I get angry or what. So me and my friend we were standing in line to get some chicken (yum) and suddenly they just totally missed our number and called the number after us. What the heck. I mean I was like, HEY its our turn. We want our chicken NOW because it was our turn. And then the lady behind the counter was like, but I cant just take you in between and I walked away angry and then she called us back, that she will give us our chicken and I was already like, I DONT WANT YOUR CHICKEN. And so we walked away and stood somewhere with my friend and we were hungry and so we went back, got a new number and got our chicken (me=humbled and ashamed of my behavior).
But you know what. IT DOESNT have to be like that. I mean why do we so badly want to snap our fingers and expect God to answer our every single prayer within seconds. Maybe His plan is totally different to ours. Maybe He is like, I want THIS THING for you in a different time. Maybe He knows better! Have you thought about that? Maybe He actually knows better then you do. And maybe years later when you get your prayer answer you see that He knew. He never forgot, He just knew better...

Our lives are full of things we could do, should do, would do. Sometimes its our own excuses and lies in our hearts that stop us. Sometimes its not the time yet. And some things are just not meant for us. Make lists if you need to. Start somewhere. I am so writing this post to myself but also to you, my dear beautiful talented wonderful perfect darling great precious friend! I have so many lies in my heart trying to press me down every single day, hour, minute. I am not gonna give up. Even if I want to. So often. Listen to God and friends who want the best for you.
And wait for you chicken, ok? :)

Little things.

You know what, we all go through some different things. Every. Single. Day. We all fight with thoughts. With emotions. Some hide it better. Some worse (me). We ALL struggle. We all have little addictions.
So Im wondering, why DO we all try so desperately hide behind the masks then. When actually we are all in the same boat. We need each other. We need to know we are loved by one another. We need encouragement daily. From friends. From God. From friends through God.
I have had one heck of a hard week. My last post was about Martin, and I still dont know the full story plus I havent been able to go and see him /I would not be let in anyway so... But I mean my week started off with the worst news possible. Then in the middle of the week I started to struggle with my health (Not to mention the bad dreams I saw all week long) and the weekend off has been bad. Yesterday I had a full day on migraine and today I woke up with nausea. Bad stuff right?
Then why do I try to show everyone how strong I am then? I am not strong. I am heartbroken for some stuff and I am in pain. Nope. NOT strong.
BUT heck no Im gonna be brought down. I have a good family in blood and in Christ. I have Christ. I am loved loved loved loved loved. And you better start to feed that knowledge into your own heart as well. That no matter what we go through, no matter what we DO, we are loved. We can always, every single time, go back to Christ and know that through His blood we are forgiven. That through Him we are not forsaken and abandoned. We are NOT alone.

So, yes, its been a hard week. But I keep on seeing through the little things how He loves me. Little-big things. Like a new tea my friends brought me last night (some might say that it was my friends, not God, but hey, werent we all created by God to love and give...) while I had dreamed of a different kind of tea all day long... ;) Little things.

Why I ask...

...you to pray for my friend Martin!
On a Sunday night after a full day of good things, church, Steffanies etc I turn on my computer and first thing I see is a message on fb saying that Martin Traksmann is in a critical condition in Viljandi hospital. LIKE WHAT? WHY? WHEN? What the heck happened... So he was in a motorbike accident while driving back to Pärnu. I dont know the whole-full story but it was not his bad. And even if it would have been, what difference would it make in a bigger plan. Anyway Martin is a good friend of mine. I met him first a few years back and then again this summer when he just walked in to Youth Reality one Friday night. And he has been in our church quite a lot after that. We have been hanging out and I really like the dude´s heart and passion for God. He is sincere and he is a friend! SO I really really urge you to pray for him. He has several broken bones and some internal injuries, he is in the artificial coma; no spine damage and no signs of brain damage, so THANK God for that... BUT he better come out of it!!!!! Pray, thank God for him, pray as he is healed already. Dont think twice if you have time or not. JUST pray!!!!!

3 weeks

Haaa its starting to look like I write a post after another week has passed but oh no, I promise, when things cool off (which they probably wont anyway, haha) I might write more. Maybe. Maybe not... :)
So yes. 3 weeks in Pärnu and it just feels surreal. I cant believe another week has gone by without me noticing it. I gotta go to work today and 2 days off for example were like nothing. Im not sure I even did everything I wanted to do...
Ill share a bit about my last week. The only evening I had off was Monday evening. On Tuesday night I went out with Jenny Kruse people and some friends of mine to a Jenny Kruse boat-ride. That was FUN and cold but mostly fun. :) And then there were rehearsals and meetings with friends and youth reality and church and Sindi. But I am not the kind of person to sit at home alone anyway so it was all good. Its just time here passes by way too quick. Its already the last week of September and Im just like- what, wait, when, how come? :) I have had some good evenings with friends, sharing about dreams and visions, and I WANT TO DO SOME more music. And not on my own, while sitting home alone coz yes, I can do that, but it doesnt take me anywhere... haha. Maybe it does in a way, when its my alone time with God but thats different. :) Ok, maybe not so different, coz with friends, its also God in the midst of us! :)
Anyway, as you can see, my dear one, I cant get over and under and around the music part of me. Its so deep and its in me. And when Im with people, I can see, that it is coming out. Maybe in a different way than I would have expected, BUT in a good way. :)

Oh boy. And this week Im experimenting with something Ive done before as well. Im gonna have a sweets-fast-break, you can call it whatever. No candies, chocolate, cookies etc. I have had so much lately that its playing mind-games-tricks on me and I gotta have a week off. Somehow. I know I can do it. :) I know!!!

So enjoy your new week with God. With friends. With family. Please tell someone right now how precious they are to you and what they mean to you. Tell someone you love them. Or hug someone. Its so important. Probably more important then anything else.

Love, Kirsi

Crying like a baby early in the morning BUT this 3minute movie is very powerful and a must-see!
http://gawker.com/this-three-minute-commercial-puts-full-length-hollywood-1309506149

Yay for 2 weeks.

2 weeks ago I got the keys to my home. 2 weeks ago my first work-week started. 2 weeks ago I moved to Pärnu and today, finally after 2 weeks, I took a walk in the early morning to the sea-side. Oh Kirsi, why now? Why not every day for the last 2 weeks. It was just pure joy and enjoyment. What a view. What a way to see God´s glory. What an opportunity for me to just have my morning-times there since Im up anyway... A little bit windy, a little bit salty, crispy morning. Such fresh air...
And you know what, yesterday was a new day but so is today. It was a wonderful day. But so is today.
We had a guest in our church and he shared a story about something that I will probably never ever forget. About an elephant who is standing in one place because he doesnt know he can break free and run. Because when the big elephant was a baby-elephant he was grounded with the same stick to the ground and then he couldnt get off, he kept trying but just couldnt. So he gave up AND stopped trying. And when he grew up he had the same mind-set "Im stuck here coz I cant get off".
I am no elephant stuck in one place. And thats why I moved to Pärnu. I knew my place is here. FOR who knows how long Im here for but right now I dont want to go anywhere else. I am here and I am doing my thing. I am doing my thing with God. And with people who see potential in me (haha, hopefully!)... So if you still ask what the heck is Kirsika doing in Pärnu. WELL, MY THING. ;) I dont quite know yet what my thing really is, but little steps. Little steps. Little. And maybe a big step in the middle. But somewhere along the way I am doing my thing...

When...

...your heart literally breaks coz you have no idea how to move on with your dreams.
Well. Mine is still here and well and alive but a little bit broken right now. I am here. In Pärnu. For 2 weeks already and its been such a great 2 weeks. And Im starting to settle in. With my life here. Different stuff going on every day. Workwise its good, Im getting used to my colleges and work-system.
But there is this one thing. And thats called music. And I am really struggling to get back on track. To see the bigger picture. To find the joy in music. In worship. In guitarplaying. In writing songs. In finding my own time to do all that. And Im in a need right now. Such a deep need. I have no desire to wake up one day being 70 and realizing I never shared my vision with anyone or that I never did enough to make them come true. That would be just horrible. A nightmare even. I want to step out and soon. I want to believe in my music. In what I am doing. And I want to find that passion again in my doings.
I believe God has a calling for all of us. I believe He has made us with bigger pictures. And the way He sees all of us is pretty much perfect and so beautiful. And He knows my dreams. He really knows them. Coz He has put them there. And right now I want to trust Him. I need to. I cant loose my focus. Non of us should... Found this saying somewhere that if its still in our minds its worth taking the risk. Yes. Thats what I want right now.
BUT as I said to my pastor last night. I am proud of myself. With a heartache I still made the choice to move to Pärnu. I still came and Im here to stay unless I hear otherwise. And only from God. Not everything you should know about me but if there is one thing, then its this: I am proud of myself and God is also proud of me! :)
Love, Kirsi

Pärnu.

Elangi nüüd päriselt Pärnus. Juba nädal aega peaaegu. Kõik on praegu veel nii uus ja mulle ei ole kohale jõudnud, et ma olengi siin. Et ma ei pea enam iga nädalavahetus edasi-tagasi Türi-Pärnu-Türi marsruuti sõitma ja et peale kirikut ei pea keegi mind mu pastorite juurde ööseks sõidutama ja et... Ühesõnaga, et ma elan siin.
Aga miks? Miks ikkagi Pärnu ja mida ma teen siin?
Mõtlesin, et annan väikese algusloo ka, muidu on mõtetu lihtsalt õelda, et nüüd olengi siin ja kõik on hästi ja kuidas ma töökoha sain ja kus elan...
Teadsin Karinit-Sveni ikka päris pikka aega, aga uuesti kohtusime paar aastat tagasi Isa Süda konverentsil Türil. Ja Karinil tekkis mingi aeg idee, et võiks Kirss Pärnusse enda kogudusse kutsuda. Ja see idee kasvas ja siis pool aastat tagasi Märtsi alguses lõpuks teostus. Käisin siis enda lugu (toitumishäired, sõltuvus, vabanemine jms) siin rääkimas. Muidugi sai ühest tüdrukuteõhtust terve nädalavahetus full on tegevusi. Reedel juhtisin ülistust ja rääkisin enda tunnistuse Youth Reality-s, laupäeval oli väike ülistusseminar või siis pigem ülimõnus jutuajamine suure grupi inimestega, kes kõik armastavad Jumalat ja igatsevad ülistuse kohta rohkem teada saada; õhtul käisime veel Sindi spordipäeval (iganädalased üritused, mis on mõeldud 1-9.ndatele klassidele ja mida korraldab YR), ja hiljem oli siis tüdrukute osadusaeg. Olin ikka megaväsinud selleks ajaks juba ja kui pühapäeval peale kõike üles ärkasin, olin haige. Ikka nii haige, et krambid, palavik ja migreenihoog. Ja koju tagasi jõudsin esmaspäeval, kui mind autoga viidi, sest ise eriti end liigutada ei suutnud... :)
Anyway, olin kodus ja mõtlesin, et mis juhtus. Siinkohal ütlen, et mul ei olnud ju Eestis enda kogudust. Kohta, kus ma oleksin end tundnud kodus, kohta, kus ma oleksin saanud jagada ja anda. Kohta, kus oleksid minu inimesed. Kui ma Walesist 1,5 aastat tagasi Eestisse tulin, siis kolisin kohe tagasi Türile ja jäin sinna nn üksi. Ja minu üks suurimaid igatsusi oli leida endale koht, kus ma saaksin olla mina ise.
Ja järsku tuli selline vajadus tagasi Pärnusse kuidagi jõuda. Paar nädalat hiljem avastasin end taas SIIN. Pärnus. Ma ei teagi, kuidas see juhtus, aga ma teadsin, et olen kodus. Isegi, kui see imelik tundub siiamaani, et keegi võib sellise asja pärast linna vahetada ja elukoha leida, siis minul hakkas see mõte peas ringi jooksma. Olin alles Türi-Alliku lasteaias ka tööl ja teadsin, et enne Septembrit ei koli ma kohe kindlasti. Nii ma siis sõitsin 6 kuud edasi-tagasi. Aidates igal pool, kus võimalik. Muidugi seal on palju asju, millest ma ei saa ja ei taha siin suures plaanis rääkida. Ja ei see, et kõik on meeletult kerge ja lihtne. Nope. Tihti on tulnud peatäis pisaraid nutta ja siis edasi tegutseda, aga kui südames miski põleb, siis selle vastu ei saa.

Augusti alguses hakkasin siis elukohta ja töökohta otsima. Käisin kortereid vaatamas ja kaalusin erinevate inimeste juures elamist. Käisin ühes kohvikus proovipäeval ja teises vestlusel. Saatsin oma CV-d igale poole ja muudkui otsisin ja järjest nõutumaks muutusin. Ühel hetkel sain aru, et minu südames on nii suur vajadus enda kodu järgi kohe ja praegu, et ma olen nii paljud variandid kinni pannud...
30.08 oli minu viimane tööpäev Türi-Alliku lasteaias, 31.08 oli minu esimene tööpäev Pärnus ja 01.09 sain endale elukoha...
Nii, kui tegin otsuse, et kolin kõigepealt siia ja siis saan rahulikult edasi otsuseid teha, juhtus kõik nii kiiresti, et nüüd nädal hiljem ei ole ma veel korralikult hingatagi saanud... Kolisin siis Mai keskuse juurde. Kogudusse on 2 sammu astuda, meri on paarisaja meetri kaugusel ja kõik olulised poed samuti. Olen niiiiii õnnistatud ja tänulik selle koha eest, et ei oska midagi õelda. Korteri omanik töötab Soomes ja käib aegajalt Eestis, mul on selline armas tuba ja TEAN, et ühel päeval tuleb mulle täitsa minu oma kodu ka. Seni on kodu siin. :) Ja töökoht... Huh, sain esialgu kolmeks kuuks Jenny Kruse misjonipoodi tööle. Pm-lt toovad nad kaupa Rootsist ja tead mis, tule ise läbi sealt. Siis näed täpselt, mida ma teen. Olen kassas, jooksen ringi, korrastan riiuleid, sorteerin kaupa jne jne. 5 päeva nädalas, selline püsiv asi hetkel.
Nii, et miks kolis Kirss Pärnu?
Sest ma teadsin, et ma pean ise otsustama. Ma olen alati olnud inimene, kelle jaoks õigel ajal on õiged uksed lahti läinud. Ma olen alati teadnud täpselt, kuhu Jumal mind on juhtinud. AGA Jumal töötab erinevalt. Vahel ei juhtu kõik asjad KOHE ja praegu. Vahel peame me ise otsuse tegema ja siis Ta toob läbimurde. Ja praegu ma lihtsalt otsustasin, et siia ma tulen nomatterwhat. :)

Vaatan siin oma viienda korruse aknast välja ja tean, et Ta on ustav. Tean, et Ta hoolib ja tean, et ma olen hoitud ja kaitstud. Ja armastatud. Isegi, kui ma ei tunne ja ei koge seda iga sekund. Just täna sain kaks väga rasket ja mitte-nii-toredat e-maili ja mõtlesin, et mida nüüd. Ja siis järsku mõtlesin, et elus ongi erinevad asjad, vahel läheb ülesmäge, vahel allamäge ja et ma peaksin hoopis naeratama, sest naeratus on alati ülesmäge. ;)
Ja tead mis, tule külla mulle! Ma otsin praegu põhjust kooki küpsetada (OI, selle peale tuli mu aknast pannkoogilõhna, oi, peaks ise vist naabritele külla minema...)! ;)
Ja ma vajan praegu väga palveid. Sest see on meeletult suur otsus minu elus olnud ja mingis mõttes olen ma kohas, kus ma ei tea, mis edasi saab, aga samas, kas on inimest, kes teab täpselt, mis homme juhtub!!!
Kirsu

(Ps! Sry, kui ma ei ole korralikult sinu kirjale või telefonikõnele vastanud; nagu ma mainisin, ma ei ole veel hingatagi saanud, rääkimata siis muust!) ;)

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So Im finally here. In Pärnu. Actually living here. And working. After a long period of wanting to move here its done!!!! IM HERE!

But the story why and where and when is a bit longer ofc. Those who have been following my life and also my blog know that its been a progress and process for me. Pärnu came into my life about 6 months ago now, in the beginning of March if I remember right. There was this absolutely great pastor´s wife, Karin, who saw me leading worship some years ago in FH conference and she had also heard a bit of my story with eating disorder etc. So she decided she wants to invite me to Pärnu to their church. So I could share my story to the girls. Oh we tried to set it up for months and months and finally it succeeded. Oh boy, was that a weekend. So if there is one thing I learned from my first weekend was that nothing is done half-way (with Sven-Karin-Kenneth). My girl-talk was just 1 part of my visit. On Friday night (youth meeting) I led worship and shared a bit of my testimony, on Saturday morning I shared about worship to the worship-team, after that they took me to Sindi to a sports-day and in the evening I had the girls-group. And ofc I managed to wake up almost dead the next morning, sick with fever and cramps and migraine headache so I was taken home by car the next day coz I just couldnt do anything (couldnt even stay for the Sunday-meeting)...

(One thing you must understand: I had absolutely no contact with Pärnu before that. I had been here occasionally, just a summer-city for me. So even thinking about moving to Pärnu was out of the question.)

So I go back home and suddenly I find myself thinking about the church, the youth, the pastors and Im drawn back there. After moving home from Wales 1,5 years ago I had a hard time finding a church, a place I could call Home. A place where I could serve and be myself. So suddenly seeing all that in Pärnu was freaking weird and scary. It takes me a few weeks to finally visit Pärnu again and see all the people that I missed. And as time goes by, I find myself travelling back and forth every weekend, sometimes weekly as well. As soon as I had no work in kindergarten, I was in Pärnu again. Helping with Sindi Sports, with worship, just spending time with people I care about. Realizing that when Im in Türi, I miss all of that. 

A decision had to be made. A big one. After July was over with all the Americans visiting the church, the missions in Sindi etc etc, I was in a place where I knew I want to move to Pärnu. I knew it so deep in me that nothing could tell me its a wrong decision. Sometimes in my life when things get serious I run... But this time the knowledge of not running away when it gets hard, overwhelmed me stronger than fear.

So in the beginning of August I started to look for a place to live and a job. Went to see different apartments and was thinking of even moving into someone´s house, but non of it felt right. Just non of it made sense to me... Went to a few job interviews and test days and just couldnt find the right thing. I also realized that in my head I dreamed of a home where I can already put everything in a place and call it MY place. But with the salaries I was offered in different places I could have not afford my own place. So I looked through every option again and saw a light. With a help of a few good friends ocf.
Lets see; on Friday (30.08) I had my last day in Türi-Alliku kindergarten, on Saturday (31.08) had my first day in my new job and on Sunday (01.09) I got myself an apartment. And all that happened when I finally made the decision that I have to get myself here and then everything else comes... I havent even got the time to breathe in and out this last week. Everything happened so fast (and furious, haha).
I live near my church, near the sea and near all the biggest shops. Oh so good. SO very good and I actually feel its the best place for me right now. A good-sized room in a 3-room apartment (the lady works in Finland and occasionally comes home for the weekend) and a good view. I love how I came for the church and now church is just 2 steps from me... ;)
And the job. I was offered a job in Jenny Kruse mission-shop downtown (https://www.facebook.com/JennyKruseHeategevuspood). Its basically supporting Jenny Kruse ship and the stuff to the shop is brought in from Sweden. Kinda like a second-hand-charity shop. And its perfect for now coz I get to use a lot of my own creativity there and its a safe 5-day 8-hour job for me. It came to me and I accepted. What a better way to start my life here.
Yes, now and then I shed a tear, or more like a river of tears coz even now I have no idea what Im doing or where Im going, but something is happening and at least I havent stopped. ;)

Come and visit me. I will give you a huge hug and bake you a cake (maybe). Come and see yourself how I am doing because no blog-post will show you how I am really doing and what emotions I have right now. :) I am a little bit sorry with all the letters I havent replied to and some unanswered calls. I really havent had the time and well, why excuses. Its just been busy!
So yes, Kirsi is in Pärnu and today I rest! ;)

You love who you love... who you love.

Deeper

I can choose to be happy?
For some reason its hard for me to agree with that statement. I mean yes, in some ways I can choose happiness over sadness. But what if its a deep sadness? What if its something that is just so deep that being happy is out of the question? And its not that there is no happiness and good moments and laughter and joy but what if there is this sadness that doesnt leave with a finger-snap. Its not like one can snap her fingers and the sadness is gone.
And anyway I believe that I cant choose happiness, I believe that God can bring us a deep satisfaction in Him and He can lead us to happiness. But its not something I can choose. Coz when I choose it myself, it comes for 5 minutes and then someone says something and my own chosen happiness is gone immediately. Like a cupcake.

So. Maybe the statements like, "its gonna be a good day coz I choose it to be" or "I will choose to be happy" are not so true at all. They will bring us a momentary happiness, but what about the deep joy? What about the God-given joy. So maybe I can choose to believe in my Fathers love and knowledge that He will bring me through and through. And bring me back my happiness and joy.
Coz the inner joy and peace. That is what I grave for. Not for the momentary things. Not for the 5-minute chosen happy-face. Nope.

And I am sorry if I have said something that you find absolutely the other way around. Maybe you can choose to be happy and for that I am thankful. But for me it works differently. And my God is a mysterious God, Im pretty sure I will make it through and get my deep joy that Im longing and yearning for. Knowledge that I am loved and loved and loved. Knowledge that I am enough in Him. Knowledge that I am not too much. Deeper peace. Deeper joy.

Struggle

When Im struggling or going through something really heartbreaking I notice myself going in a mode where I cant communicate with anyone. I shut myself down and stop talking to my friends and family. I am not doing it on purpose but for some reason I do it. Letters and calls are unanswered and Im unhappy, not to even mention my friends who are confused.
Its a mode where Im trying to protect myself. Maybe some of you have experienced that. And its also a mode where I cant even think of anything else. And then I start to overthink and overanalyze and overeverything.
And I have been thinking of asking forgiveness for all the things Im not doing right now to keep all my friends pleased and happy but I cant.

I am not down in a way where I cant function.
Because Im still going to work.
I am looking for work and a place in Pärnu.
I am eating and kind of sleeping.
And I want to trust God in everything. In bad times, in good times. So many psalms say that even when everything is falling down we should still Praise Him.
But how, oh how? :) I mean how do I lift my soul up to Him when I push everyone away including God. Coz see, thats my point. While pushing everyone away Im also pushing my Father away. My way of self-protection. And what an awful way.

I have a Bible sitting next to me on a table right now. I have been reading a few psalms lately. David was a man who went through shit and still he knew where his strength comes from. Where his joy comes from. And peace. I am no David but Im also my Father´s beloved and I believe there is a bigger picture behind all our struggles. Behind my heartbreaks and hurts and jup, I freaking mess up myself all the time. But I am His Beloved. And so are You! His beloved one. The one whom He loves and want to hold and comfort (and heck Im also preaching to myself here so dont feel awkward)... I want to give so much, but I need to be filled first. Oh and no, I dont want to go anywhere in a past coz there I was "happy and joyful", haha, no, I want a new joy and new peace! No past will determine my future. My Father determines my future.

So nope, it was no peptalk. Its just something Im going through now. Finding myself again under some piles of dirt and mud. Jup.

Words pouring...

Why do we hurt each other when we should love and forgive and forget! I mean esp with the closest ones to us! With the ones who actually care!
I mean, do you know what Im saying here? Because thats how we all do it to some measure, to some degree. We say bad things to our loved ones, we do things we regret. And we hurt them. We dont even "mean" it. Thats how I apologize usually. "Im sorry, I didnt even mean it." After an outburst or something I apologize (and we should) but why is it like that? Why?
Because these are the people that are safe. These are the people we can be real with. The people that love us unconditionally.
I just wish that Id say less and act more. The way it should be. Act more love, say less shit.

Its been a bit troubling time for me right now. Way too much packing. I actually think it will never stop. Im near a breaking point probably or something like that... I am doing good, its just so many places, so many new faces and no feeling of home. Coz I sleep in a different bed each night and talk to a different person each day. But yes. There will be a day this year where I will move all my stuff into this One Apartment of mine and I know Im home. They say that home is where your heart is. My heart is with my family. With my friends. So I guess as for now it is as good as it can be.
Gonna be in Pärnu for a few days and on Thursday going to Saaremaa. My last wedding this summer. Save the last dance for me. Oh but I have danced and sang as much as possible. I have enjoyed life and friends and celebrated love. And I have been loved and cherished and loved and hugged. So I cant complain really. Because over all life is good. And Life is with God. In Him and with Him I can do it. Otherwise its all just one empty hole.

Mmm... And how about waiting? Waiting for the right thing. Waiting to give your heart for the right one. My God has said that heart is the wellspring of life and that we should guard our heart above all else... What if sometimes its so freaking hard coz all we want is to be loved. And to get that we decide wrong. Im just saying that we all make mistakes. My mistakes are no bigger and no smaller than yours. And my God is a good God. I just pray that He would guide me and my steps and also yours. That in His hands I can walk my everyday life otherwise there is just no point... We people grave love the most. Thats why we have people around us. We need each other. We need friendships and we need are not meant to be alone. Huh, and sometimes its just so freaking hard. Esp with this wedding-craziness Ive been dealing. I love seeing the look on the grooms face when the bride enters and heck, one day it will be my groom having that look. I pray for that day and for the right timing...

I think I havent written for so long that I just cant stop writing now... I have missed this OH I HAVE SMTH TO SAY feeling. And today I have. So much. I kind of went through some huge emotional wave yesterday and heck, Im this one moment up next moment down in the pit person and I dont like it one bit. I felt so unstable and so unsure. I let my emotions roll over me like a wave and I was just wrapped in a blanket of sorrow and sadness for a few hours. Until grace washed over me. And I knew that I am loved yet again. Because the thing is I am ALWAYS loved, I just dont "feel" it or see it... Uh. Its easier to let emotions control us than knowledge. But its not so easy to get out of there. To stand up and let Father whisper words of love. My mistakes are my mistakes yes, but love wins aigh? ;)

So Im gonna stop here. Coz I have other things to do as well today. But just let this day be a good day. So as I said, act more love, say less shit!

The season of changes.

2 weddings done. 2 to go. Im so excited for this Saturday coz the band that has come together for Kertu&Rasmus is just awesome! So many surprises and changes with the people but the 5 of us now, well, its just awesome! Im really happy and I felt on Monday as though a whole burden was taken off from my shoulders and so much peace came back that was stolen! And so I was in Tartu for 2 days and will go again tomorrow. Came home for 1,5 days just to relax and help out at my parents new place. In case you dont know yet, they got a job. And with that also a new place to live at so basically there will be plenty of changes in the coming 2 months. Plenty! Im gonna move into something good, not knowing exactly what Im suppose to do but it will be good! :) And thats enough for me right now. I might not know a whole lot of things but what I know is that I am doing my best in everything I do. Sometimes it could be more but its my best and its enough. 

And my Daddy does the rest.

;)

Sigh, sigh, sigh.

A few paragraphs from a medical magazine that describe the battle to act:

We hear it almost every day: sigh, sigh, sigh.
I just cant get myself motivated to... (lose weight, test my blood sugar, etc.). And we hear an equal number of sighs from diabetes educators who cant get their patients motivated to do the right things for their diabetes and health. 
We have news for you. Motivation is not going to strike you like lighting. And motivation is not something that someone else - nurse, doctor, family member - can bestow or force on you. The whole idea of motivation is a trap. Forget motivation. JUST DO IT. Exercise, lose weight, test your blood sugar, or whatever. Do it without motivation and then guess what. After you start doing the thing, that's when the motivation comes and makes it easy for you to keep on doing it.
Motivation is like love and happiness. Its a by-product. When you're actively engaged in doing something, it sneaks up and zaps you when you least expect it.
As Harvard psychologist Jerome Bruner says, "You're more likely to act yourself into feeling than feel yourself into action." So act! Whatever it is you know you should do, do it.

Thats like the best word Ive heard about motivation. Its a trap. WOW. You cant wait for motivation to get you going. I like that. Because I almost never feel motivated to do something, I mean I have my desires and hopes and stuff, but my body sometimes is so freaking NOT motivated.
Running for example. I have started to run just because I know I should and I want to. But I dont have this huge crazy motivation. Its just something I know its good for me. So I do it. And slowly but surely it has started to grow on me... So it does come. And then one just has to keep on going... And going. And not giving up.

R e l a x

After my last post. Well, lets just say its been crazy! A wedding in Holland (roadtrip through Latvia and Germany), twice in Pärnu, and Jaanipäev in Saaremaa. And that all happened within 2 weeks. Now this week has been a bit slow-down-Kirsika-week. Well, kind of. My mind is going crazy with 3 weddings I need to attend to in July. A lot of songs to prepare etc etc. But I can do it. Right? Kirsika, you can do it! ;) Breathe-in-breathe-out.
I wish I could tell you the best news in a long time. But I cant. Not quite yet. Its to do with my parents. But all in due time. Im just so excited for their future and I gotta say so should you be! ;) I am also excited for Maria-Ben who started their journey together. And Im super excited for Vaarika-Christopher who are getting their lives settled so well in Canada. Through hardships but with God! So now its me. Me, myself and I! I really need guidance and peace about my future coz otherwise Ill be homeless in 2 months. Haha, well, I know, I wont be but kind of... ;) No need to go deeper into that. Coz my Daddy loves His little girl so much! He loves her like crazy! My kind of crazy!
Oh boy. What to say what to do. I kind of would want to apologize for my lack of communication lately. But heck. I am me and we all make mistakes. And Im learning. And processing. And going through major changes in my life. In my heart. In my head. Figuring out so many steps.

But you know what. Life is good as someone likes to say to me a lot! ;) Life is not all butterflies and ice cream but pretty much. I gotta learn to let go and breathe. I have started to relax more. Meet friends. Enjoy the weather. I ran ab 3-4 km yesterday. I am doing things. I am living and loving.
And well. Ill be alone for 4 days starting tomorrow. Finally some time alone just to be. Cant remember that kind of time.
So my friend. Little or big. Male or female. Relax a little. I need to learn the same. So lets do it together alright? ;)

Its Tuesday and I still cant spell it right.

I always write Tueseday instead of Tuesday and now when I look at the word Im like even the correct version seems wrong. I dont even know why Im talking about that when I should be talking about something else...
I had a really good week in Pärnu. Just to say I went for a day and I ended up staying for 6 days. Haha, how flexible am I? I think I can say VERY! I mean I had my beach-stuff in my bag. No money, no clothes, no make up, no nothing. Except a few bits and pieces. And I stayed for 6 days? All I can say is that I have wonderful friends who like to take care of me! :) My family (its like this song that goes something like "Its a big big house with lots and lots of room, a big big table with lots and lots of food...)! Thats how I feel at Veedlas! And of course nothing tops coming back home and knowing my own mum has prepared food for me and I know I have a closet full of clothes! ;) And I definitely got some crazy tan!

I will pack my stuff today again. To go to Holland. I am so excited to travel by plain again. I love traveling in case you havent understood that already! Im gonna see my very precious Maria getting married to the love of her life and Im gonna see Holland for the first time. Amsterdam, better be ready! I mean its me who we are talking about! ;) Im so gonna have my red nails and red lips this time and Im gonna feel good about myself! Real good!

Oh I also want to share a bit of what Im doing in Pärnu. Its not like I go there to just sit around! Which I also do but not only! ;) So I go to a church there. I have a church now! WOW. A PRAYER ANSWER! A big answer. But not only. I am accepted there not because of what I do but because of who I am. And I am Kirsika so thats kind of a good thing right. ;) On Fridays there are youth meetings called Youth Reality. So I have been there quite a lot of times now in the last 3,5 months and also helped a bit. Sometimes with worship, sometimes Ive shared something... And on Saturdays Ive been to Sindi a few times now. To Sindi Sport 1-9, its a wonderful event for kids from Sindi who come together to play sports and also to communicate a bit. More sports less talk though! I have joined a few games but mostly Im there to just be with my presence, to walk around and to just communicate and be myself! Haha... Not that I could be anything else anyway! ;) And then ofc the Sundays where the church comes together as a family. To hear the word and to worship and to be in fellowship and among family! :) So thats my time in Pärnu! Plus tons of other stuff I do there, take sun f.e and enjoy the water! Yeah, I kind of write random things now but my head is swimming today with all the things I should do but instead Im here writing a blog! ;)

Alright! Hugs from me and be courageous this week! Try new things, go for a run f.e. if you never dared to coz you thought you cant! Well, you can! ;)

Its June already. Now where did May go? I have been really bad with writing lately and even now I struggle to find words. Not that I dont want to. Oh boy I do want to let you know about my life and doings but somehow this time its more personal. More inner. Probably more than ever... And you know what, maybe its a good thing. Maybe I am finding my place. In general.
I have spent most of my free time in Pärnu. I am not gonna go into details, but oh, how I love it there. The feeling of home I have is huge! Being surrounded with youth, with life. And water. Oh that blue deep blue water. And church. I finally have a church I want to belong to. A prayer answer. A desire that I have had for many years finally seems to find an answer. A beautiful answer. I am just walking in favor right now and the thing is that yes, there are days I dont even see any beauty and freedom but my heart tells me that I am in the right place doing the right thing. I already have a joke with a friend about how much I use the phrase: "I feel it in my heart!" but heck, I do. I do feel it in my heart! :) Its a beautiful thing you know.
Summer is gonna be interesting. I have a few things ahead of me. 3 weddings to attend to and some other events. So excited for Maria and Benjamin for their wedding in 1,5 weeks! Holland, here I come! ;) Or rather, here we come with the whole family plapla, but its gonna be good! A little roadtrip!
I am actually suppose to write my work-report right now but ofc I found an excuse to write a blogpost instead. Haha, and all that cleaning I have to do in my room, right?! ;) So much about that huh.
Anyway know that you are loved. I will never tire of saying that. YOU ARE LOVED! So very freaking much! And Ill try to write again soon... ;)

The more...

No blog post for a long time huh! Well, its been crazy busy. I have been away so much from home that its crazy. I really think I should already pack all my stuff into many bags so each time I go, I have a bag to take with me already... Its mostly been Pärnu trips and that should be no surprise anymore. I am really finding my heart and place there and it feels good to have a home! Every time I can go there only for a day or even less its so hard to come back. But today I know we will stay there for 3 days and thats something! Father´s Heart conference is about to start this evening and I am excited! It will be good, it will be so very good! I will lead worship (well, God will lead worship through me really, but its kind of interesting, this one, coz I mean, I am singing to Him and He is leading through me, I sometimes wonder how does that work, hahah)... :) And I will meet many good friends I havent seen for quite some time now! Only Father knows everything thats about to happen and I can just rest in the peace that He is with us!
The more I seek You
The more I find You
The more I find You
The more I love You

Smile beibi, smile!

"Sometimes I´ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
I had an amazing weekend with this wonderful lady! Went to Finland on Friday to surprise my friend Tiina on her birthday - "30"! It was such a great day with her and her most important women! I enjoyed every single moment (High Tea, Les Miserables /I finally saw the movie I had been wanting to see since it came out/, dinner). And Im so happy I got over my fear to go on my own. I did it. Haha, well, what fear. More like not wanting to travel alone! ;) Tiina is just so precious and beautiful and smiley its crazy! I love her hugs and her. SO very much.
Great weekend indeed! ;) Oh and Sunday. Well, wow! I was so tired and we were going to a church in Helsinki with my dad to serve. Worship, testimony etc. AND God did it again. He spoke and I had to do nothing but let Him! Jup. So very good. And later as we traveled back I was like, that was the best trip to Finland ever! So blessed and blessed! haha...

This love.

I havent written for a while. Have been a bit busy I guess... Work, walk, live, laugh, read, clean, eat, pray. Basically everyday things but the most important things. Really if you think about it. I think laughing is sometimes even more important than eating. Or reading more important then working! ;) Just saying.

Anyway its been quite a few good days. With its ups and downs. But I have seen some progress with Hardi and I believe this little guy deserves people to take him as he is. With no expectations. With no past-mistakes. He is just a little boy with a big body. He also belongs to my Father. So really, why cant people see that? I mean. Why do we so often look at the past mistakes and take people for what they have done. Instead of looking at them with today´s eyes. With new eyes. He made me a bright-beautiful bracelet the other day and I just looked at him and was in awe. He has a huge heart. This little boy!

Today will be great. A friend is visiting and then Im off to Pärnu with him! To see some precious people again and then Im back tomorrow early morning. Its gonna be wonderful! :)

Oh and its actually so good to be 26. For some reason Im loving this age. So perfect, so round, so me! ;)

Anything could happen.

26. I am so 26 and I actually feel like a woman. Like a 26-year old woman. Maybe its just to do with the fact that I was told so many beautiful things and it got into my heart... This feeling of being a woman. Haha... Well. Ill just share about my last days coz they have been incredible. I have felt overwhelmed by love and care. And here I am sitting thinking that I must be crazy to travel so much but heck. I love my friends.

So on Saturday I traveled to Tartu. I had a day out with Barbala, we sat in 3 different places and walked some distances to get rid of the cakes and pizza and tea and coffee and to enjoy beautiful Tartu. It was so much fun with her, it always is. And later I went out with my girls V and L and it was so good as well. We had cake again and actually. Its just comfortable with them. Thats why I love it there. :)

And on Tuesday on my real day... Haha, it was actually the first night after many nights of sitting up where I slept and then 7am my door swung wide open and my parents and Ester came in singing. It was so precious but heck I was tired. Flowers, kisses, hugs... ;) Then I drove to my kindergarten and brought them cookies I had baked the night before. Then drove back and the celebrations could start. Had lunch with my parents and one good friend and then drove to Tallinn... We were suppose to go to the zoo but heck. The minute we stepped out from the car I was about to be blown away by cold wind and it was just a nono. Instead we managed to kill some small animal on our way to Tallinn and oh adventures-adventures (I think we would have been banned to enter the zoo anyway, haha). Im not gonna really go into details over Tallinn, some things can just stay into my heart. :) But it sure was good. 

Around 9pm we arrived to Pärnu to celebrate with the Veedla´s! Its always party with them! ;) I love their family and that cherry-cake. YUM! And yesterday I came back by bus and realized that I had celebrated my birthday in 5-6 different places and people... Crazy! Its the most I have had. Its the most blessed I have felt. Each year has been special. I am special. All the comments, texts, love, messages, letters, calls, words... I really cried my eyes out yesterday while reading everything over. So many memories and good stuff! I love my friends. I am loved!

And today. That blew my mind. I went to work and suddenly all the staff was there with flowers and then they started singing and well, huh. I really dont know what to say!

Everybody wants to be loved. I never realized how much actually. And when you finally feel the love in such an overwhelming way it knocks you down. And on your knees. Coz the LOVE my Father offers is often through people. And this week its been through people. Through His people! :)

Dove

I will write about my birthday soon coz it is worth sharing. But now I found a little something online that caught my eye. I believe many of you have seen the new video by Dove where it shows how women see themselves and how others see them. So this article actually shares some truth into it. Which in my heart clicks. So Ill share it with you and you can do your own conclusions... :)
http://www.wonderfullymadeblog.org/2013/05/real-beautyreally-response-to-dove.html

Ps! My friend just gave me another one... Which just brings truth into the lies:
http://jazzylittledrops.tumblr.com/post/48118645174/why-doves-real-beauty-sketches-video-makes-me

Juhani - YOU ROCK! :) Thank you!!!! :)

twenty-six

Its my last hours to be 25 years old. I have enjoyed being 25 but I am so excited for the 26! Somehow twenty-six is special. Something is going to happen that I cant put words to. I am not saying I know what it is. But thats whats makes it special. I just have this excitement in me.
Its not been an easy year. I had to come back from Bala straight after my birthday. I actually never shared about the deep reasons why I left so suddenly. And I will not now either... It is not necessary anymore but there was stuff going on in my life and in Bala as well. So my 25 started with a bang. Kind of leaving comfort and money and work and coming back into unknown. Yet Father provided with a job and I have been working in a kindergarten even though uh, me and kids. Well we get along a lot better by now but its been a crazy-curvy-bendy road for me! :)
So many tears in my last year. So much laughter. Old people, new people. Love, hurt, pain, healing. Its as if everything collapsed yet God remained. He always does!
What I do know is that the dreams inside of me are growing. Yes, some of them are coming true but the BIG ones are still to come! I just gotta keep moving. I had an amazing time with friends this weekend and there was something one of my girls told me. About flashlights. That when its dark outside and you take out a flashlight, then it actually only shows you kind of one step ahead. And that's exactly how its been with me. I have been shown 1 step at a time. Never 2-3. Never a 10-year plan but rather a God-given-driven plan... And honestly, she said something else. That if she´d know her 10 years she would worry herself crazy over what and how and heck... :)

I do know twenty-six will be special. I am already so looking forward to tomorrow. I love surprises and there will be a few probably. I have to wait just a little more. Oh just hope Ill get my needed sleep (IF you do pray for me occasionally Id love you to pray for the breahing.plah Ive been dealing with, its going worse. I thought its better and then this crazy attack last night... anyway!)!

Sending my huge Kirsi-hug to you! ;)

Im gonna leave in 15 minutes. I am restless lately. I keep packing my stuff for the weekends just to go... Maybe I need to reflect on my inner stuff thats going on but as for now... Tartu it is! :) Gonna celebrate. Its my birthday soon and also one of my good friends birthday. So 2in1 it is! I just pray for a bit better weather coz right now I dont even want to put my nose out there!
Have a bjuutiful weekend my friends and enjoy some life!

Free

I get these random days off. And then Im like what should I do. This morning I practiced my guitar and recorded my new favorite song... :) Enjoy:
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/free-cover-kirsika

Well done!

I was in Pärnu the last weekend and oh I loved it. The most beautiful city in my view right now. Maybe its because Im kind of finding my place there. Only Father knows (and ofc my heart is ready for Him to let me know as well, haha)...
So, 1 more week. Until my birthday ofc! Im not making any big plans. I have had the most amazing birthdays in my last years and I know this year its gonna be amazing as well no matter what! I just know I wanna see a few precious friends so Im gonna go to Tartu for sure and everything else is just in the making.

I went to a concert last night. Allbymyself (oh dont worry, I was not in a selfpity)... One of the teachers came to me and handed me 2 tickets since she couldnt go. Oh boy, I didnt realize I can enjoy jazz that much again. After years of not enjoying really. It was SO good. This one guy played 2 saxophones at the same time in one song and I was just like, HECK, really??? Anyway never seen and heard anything like this... Was so thankful I got myself together, dressed up and went. On my own! ;)
Anyway. Its mostly work on weekdays and away on the weekends for me right now for the last 2 months and probably gonna continue that way coz thats how I feel the most comfortable with! Oh and this week Im just SO thankful for my DAD! He is awesome. Mum went away and he is doing so good with Ester and food and laundry. Well done, daddy! ;)

Bring it on!

10 days and Im gonna be 26 years old. How can that be? I mean I didnt even notice how this year is just flying by. I still remember my last years experience how I was taken to a beautiful castle, ooh and that beautiful ancient dress and photo shoot. It was just such an amazing experience. And Im like, heck, its gonna be a new birthday already.
We have this saying in Estonia that when a person turns 22 then its his/hers last chance but when he/she turns 26 years old then its a new chance, opportunity. Maybe it means that this year will be my year or smth? Haha, well, not really. Coz when one walks with God the Father then every year is a new chance. Every day is a new start, a fresh start. For me it is... I am so happy I get to share my life with my Father coz on my own I would be doing something else. I would be looking to fulfill the empty places in my life and heart and Im not sure Id know who I am...
This last year has been crazy. I mean, I moved back from Wales to my parents as a 25 year old woman and I didnt know anything. Like what turn my life would take. I spent the summer travelling from one place to another and then got a job in Türi-Alliku kindergarten. How weird is that. I promised myself Ill never work with kids and here I am working with kids. Really? Sounds to me like a God-thing coz on my own I would not make it there... And not to mention all the change thats been happening music-wise... Yes, I still dont have my own CD, but I have been able to work together with some amazing musicians. Both in worship and also contemporary Christian music... So Im blessed beyond words and imagination. I just dont know whats next yet but when I look back God always has the NEXT for me in His time and plan! ;)
And what about the change thats been happening inside me? I mean thats the biggest change of all. I know He is healing my heart slowly yet firmly. He is a good Dad, my real Dad! I dont even know all the stuff that He is working with but in a loving way I am guided for sure...
So bring it on. Bring it on: all the adventures, all the NEW, all the friendships that need more healing, all the love that I can give and receive, all the chocolate I "need" and bring it on LIFE!

Oh I realized I didnt actually share the link here publicly, I did on FB but... So, here you go, my friend:
--->
https://soundcloud.com/liisi-vali/kirsika-step-out

Chameleon

I have a friend. And there was something he told me yesterday that really made me think and happy and think again. So Ive been thinking how come Im involved in so many different styles of music and one part of me has been worried. Coz I see myself uploading a video where I sing a slow worship song with a guitar. And the next moment a real pop-dance song comes out.
And then he said it.
That Im like a chameleon. And I was like, heck, yes! I really am. I don't want to be put in a box.
I know that there will be so many people who will judge me. And if they wouldn't it would be weird actually. Coz not everybody can like what I do. And not everybody will.

This next song that comes out is produced with the same team as the last one "Mida tunneb süda". Our new song is called STEP OUT and I cant wait to share it with the world tonight. But I know there will be a lot of people who are like, WHAT is this? Coz it is so not typical Kirsika-style-slow-worship song. Which is ok. Because Im trying out new things now. Im at a place where I know I can try and learn and record and see where it leads me.
Please do not put me in a box. Please do not label me with something.
Yes, its a dance pop-song. And yes, my heart says that my own music will be something totally different one day. ;) But Im so not gonna excuse myself for enjoying something different for a change...

Step out, my friends. From the frames you put on others and on yourselves! ;)

That talk that makes me wonder...

As I was coming back from Tartu yesterday I managed to sit straight behind a bunch of 4 teenager boys (probably 16-20 years old). It was the only available seat and so there I was. Forced to hear their talk. Thats how buses usually are. Oh how I dont like it. In the beginning I listened to my ipod and heard nothing but at one point my ears started to hurt and I had to take the headphones out. And then it dawned on me. Their talk was so empty I actually wanted to stand up and walk out but where?
As we reached Paide it went worse and worse til one of them mentioned a girl he knew. And the first question his friend ask was this: "Well, what are her measurements? Her size?" And I sat there with my eyes wide open and heart turning into pieces.
Is that all young men think of? One of them says its his friend and the other one wants to know her measurements? Really? Is that all we are to young men nowadays? Just a piece of meat?
I was so sad. I was heart-broken for all the young women out there who have no idea whats going on.

And yet Im not blaming those guys. Coz thats the society we live in. Young girls wear such short skirts and low-cut shirts you can see everything. Young guys see everything. Its as if no one is there to teach the value of one´s body anymore. We put ourselves out there. We show our bodies as trophies. We give ourselves as trophies.
And then there´s the "sex sells" all over the world.

WE are not just a piece of meat. And yet we act like we are. We (Im not saying all of us, Im not saying thats how it is with everybody) sell ourselves to everyone.
And then I am surprised to hear a talk like that from a bunch of teenager boys?

I was 19 years old when I first heard stories from guys in a Bible school how hard it is for them to NOT look coz they really are visual. And at first I was so mad. I was like, seriously? Why should I change my dressing blablabla and then there was like a call on my heart. Something that whispered that a part of man´s attitude really is in my hands... The way I dress, the way I behave, do I flirt, do I put myself out there... And something changed in me. I started to see the world from their perspective...

I just pray God to open our eyes. The eyes of the heart. That we would know whats in there and change something if its needed... So that the next time I hear talk like Id have the courage to maybe say something (in a loving way) that makes them wonder... makes them think.
Jup.

Deep and beautiful and raw...

I am going to Tartu again this weekend. Its getting rather crazy with my weekends away BUT I love it. Its so much fun to just go and sleep in different places, meet new and old faces etc. This time gonna lead worship in Risttee church, really lookin forward to it... But anyway, as I was practicing today I decided to record a few songs and here is one of them... Fall Afresh - it just speaks so strongly into my heart. There is something deep and beautiful and raw in this song. Something that touches deep and goes through. :) A link to my cover, my version is here:
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/fall-afresh-cover-kirsika
Be blessed! :)

Tüdruk!

Seal on üks tore tüdruk. See tüdruk elab nüüd kaugel. Kuskil kängurumaal, kui mul õigesti meeles on. Ja see teine tüdruk siin mägedeta-maal igatseb seda Kängurumaa tüdrukut. Vot nii!

Tema kätes...

Hei sõberid.
Tean, et ei ole enam ammu oma blogi täiendanud. Kohe üldse mitte... Mul ei ole olnud inspiratsiooni eriti. Mu südames on nii palju muutusi olnud ja ma ei oska hetkel kõike kirja panna, lihtsalt ei oska. Ja see on ok. :) Vahel ei peagi kõigele seletust olema.
Midagi minu südames on teistmoodi. Teadmine ehk, et mu elu on TÕESTI Jumala kätes! Et Tema on võimeline näitama mulle asju mu seest, mille olemasolust mul aimugi ei olnud. Et Ta näitab suunda ja siis pean mina lihtsalt liikuma selles suunas... Ja isegi, kui mul alati õigus ei ole (ehk siis enamasti õigus ei ole), siis on Ta võimeline parandama suhteid, hetki, minevikku, valu, haavu ja kõike, kus isegi mina mööda olen pannud. Et Ta on võimeline tooma tagasi armastuse, mis on kustunud. Ja et Ta on tõesti on murtud südamete parandaja.
Ma nii tihti näen vigu teistes. Et teised on süüdi asjades, milles on tegelikult ka minul suur roll olnud. Ja ps! vahel me ei tee seda teadlikult. Me päriselt ka ei näe enda nina ette. Me oleme nii kinni enda mõttemallides ja olukordades, et me ei näe. Nii pimedad. Ja nii kuskil augus. Ja siis järsku käib nagu mingi plaks, sõna otseses mõttes (ja tihti valus plaks) ja siis on et, wow, kas päriselt? Kas päriselt on minul ka suur roll selles kõiges olnud??? Ma olen nii tänulik, et mul on kannatlik Taevane Isa. Et Tema on mind armastanud aegade algusest saadik. Olen tänulik, et mul on kannatlikud sõbrad. Sest mina olen NII ebatäiuslik, et ise ka ei usu. Nii ebakindel ja nii otsustusvõimetu. Ja teen haiget. Oma mitteoskamatusega ja katkise südamega (me keegi ei saa kunagi olema täiuslikud, aga Temas oleme me üsna ok!)...
Ja üks asi veel. Ma võtsin siit alt selle smile värgi ära, sest tegelt tegin seda ma selleks, et lihtsalt like koguda. Tunnistan ausalt. Mõtlesin, et kui keegi siin mu blogi loeb, siis saab ju alati ka kommenteerida ja lihtsalt julgustada ka muud moodi. Kõik ei pea feissbuukiiks muutuma. :)

Ja nautige kevadet. Seda päriselt. Nii, et lähed õue jalutama ja nuusutad. Ja hingad ja kuulad. Ja räägid. Oma taevase isaga... ;) Päriselt!

Kallis vanaisa,

Kallis vanaisa,
Loodan, et sa näed seda kirja seal kusagil! Usun, et istud praegu oma Taevase Isa süles ja naeratad. Läbi pisarate. Sest sul on valus, kuna meil on valus. Ja samas on sul rööm, sest oled lõpuks jõudnud koju! Sinna, kus on hea ja ei ole enam halba!
Ma tunnen oma südames rahu, valu, röömu, kõike läbisegi. Pisarad segunevad naeratusega, sest ma ei teagi täpselt, mida ja kuidas tunda. Sa ei olnud eriti minu jaoks olemas, aga mingil hetkel ma leppisin sellega, sest see olidki sina. Täpselt enda olemusega, sellega, kes sa olid! Ja see oli sinu parim. Ma tean, et sa armastasid mind. Nii, kuidas sa oskasid. Ja tead mis, ma ei olekski teistmoodi tahtnud. Sest sa olid minu vanaisa Heino. Ja praegu oled ka! Alati oled! Ma armastan sind. Ma tean, et me kohtume varsti.
Ja siis me naerame koos ja sööme präänikuid. Usun, et taevas saab ka präänikuid süüa. Sest need olid Sinu lemmikud, mis tuletab mulle meelde, et me just eelmine nädal ostsime Estrile paki präänikuid, sest ta oli neid koos Sinuga söönud! :)
Oh vanaisa, ma tegelikult igatsen sind. Olen igatsenud juba ammu ja nüüd eriti! Ma ei hakka midagi kahetsema, et me rohkem ei suhelnud, aga mingi osa minust nutab, sest ehk oleks midagi saanud paremini teha... Ja ps! Ma olen nii önnelik, et said aasta koos veel olla naisega, kes oli sinu südameigatsus. :)

Vanaisa, puhka rahus! Ole sina ise. Lase Jeesusel end hoida nüüd ja pea meil siis silma peal ja oota meid kenasti ära. Ühel päeval...
Sinu Kirss, laululind! :) (Saadan sulle oma parima naeratuse ja kallistuse!!)

Family

I have been to Tallinn twice this week, which almost never happens! On W-day I went to record 2 new songs (Im so very excited to see what the outcome is, it will take some time) and yesterday we went to lead worship in a small university students gathering and it was so good! It was such a precious time together; the topic was Godly healing versus doctors etc. Something like that, hard to translate! But at one point my dad felt strong in his heart to stand up and share a bit of Father´s love to this group of people and it was so good! Im so proud of him, the love he has now for people just overflows and I know God has so much more for my family. We desire to help people, its in our nature now, we desire to see changes happening. Both physical and mental, heart-changes! So yesterday was good! Im happy we decided to go against my flesh that said, oh Im so tired... ;) Im really happy to see new places opening up, new doors opening up! So many invitations and its not about me, HA, thats thew best part! People want to know their Father in Heaven - thats the BEST part! ;) Thats the most beautiful part... And we as a family have the privilege to do that! I know I wont be with them for a long time anymore, my time to leave will come soon, BUT as for now, this is my family (and always will be!) and I have the chance to travel with them! Or rather lately they with me, haha....
Its Friday today and for that Im happy! 2 days of no work, just minding my own business, well, not really, but you get the point! :) Gotta run now, but hugs and hugs!;)

To pursue...

Its exciting and I'm all bubbly again. :) Well, not really but a little. I'm gonna be in Tallinn today to record 2 new songs. I cant tell much about it now but I'm sure you will hear more soon... Knowing myself I know I cant contain it for a very long time, haha! Its together with Daniel and Liisi again though this time Ill be there alone, but I know I can do it! :)
Its been such an interesting week. Its been so hard at work coz of some things/issues I know I shouldn't discuss here but at the same time I feel peace in my heart. I have been looking myself from a different perspective and I have learned quite a few things. I have been having big problems with my health but again I feel its gonna be alright though visibly I see no results, I see no getting better... But that's what my God does, when its not about me anymore but Him taking over. I think! I'm not the smartest person so I don't know tons of theology but my Daddy in Heaven is enough for me. He assures me and encourages me when I feel like not going out. Even when I feel like not going after my dreams because of fear I know He keeps pushing me and He wants me to pursue music. To pursue something bigger than I think I deserve or can or would be able to...
So as for now all I see is sunshine when I look out from the window. I dont care there's tons of snow and cold. I see spring coming forth and life forming in front of my eyes! I see hope and I see a future. For myself and for you, my dear reader, friend! :) And I also feel like sending one big hug out to you who reads this text right now. Coz then Ill get a hug back as well! ;)

The s-season!

It´s spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you´ve got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! - Mark Twain

I dont know why I bubble so much about spring. I feel that I even have a twinkle in my eye when I say the word "spring". Maybe Im just such a s-girl that it brings life to me, a fresh air, a new hope, something thats beautiful and breath-taking. I have been walking almost every day for some time now and just admiring each scenery. I try to take different roads (though I must say there are not tons of choices here, haha) and I just walk and talk. Sometimes with mum, sometimes with God... :) Spring, huh! Its still cold outside and snow everywhere but its coming. There is never a year without real spring in Estonia, so bring it on! ;)