Just when you have NO idea where to get food for the day (just to say I needed winter-boots so no leftover money for this week) a friend sends you a text-message with a question if you need any food for lunch. YES YES YES. Faithful Father, why do I worry about tomorrow? Or in my case, today! :)
HAVE A BLESSED, FAVORED, OVERWHELMING, good, peaceful week! And fun and adventurous as well... ;)

Oh hello.

I have not been here for a while. Its because sometimes life happens.
I was away for a little more than a week and in Sweden this time. So as most of you know, I work in Jenny Kruse charity shop to support Jenny Kruse mission boat in Estonia. It is meant to be an actual mission boat to sail in the waters and spread the gospel and in last summer it sure did that. Oh and about the trip... I had a chance to go to Sweden with the people I work for and our captain and then one precious lady Anne from the organisation Shalom. The first half of the trip we were in Oskarsham; basically I was the only one who didnt know the people so I had to be alert all the time to new faces ect. Was good though, a bit stressful with all the board-meetings and translating I needed to do (coz without thinking I promised Ill help with that, haha) etc but I also got to be a part of one day with the youth from the local Bible school. Alari shared about the New Covenant and I shared my testimony after that plus lead worship and that was fun, that was where I felt home and knew its my chance to be the channel of His love. :)
After 4 days we traveled to another city and oh boy I cant remember the name, haha, you will survive. I know. ;) Anyway there we met with another bunch of good people and felt so home (thank you Fredrik and Marina, you are SO precious)! So much worship time, so much sharing and caring and pouring of Gods love. Got to know a lot about Salvation Army and feel it was necessary. The trip ended on Tueseday this week when we finally arrived home, to Pärnu. I went straight to work but felt refreshed and ready to continue here... Many ideas in my head and in my heart, so we will see what works!

But if there is one thing I am seeing about myself lately, well, let me share it.
I cannot be forced into doing something. I close up and nobody cant get me out of my shell then. Even if I try to come out I feel like a wall hitting up. Worship. I LOVE worship and I love singing but I am not so spontaneous as people think I am. I sometimes dont like myself for that and hopefully one day when someone asks me to bring out my guitar, I can do with a smile while being all relaxed BUT right now I get stressed. There are times when I dont but usually the first reaction of mine is a stressball emerged. :) Just saying, so dont get offended if I say NO from time to time to music, to worship. I am not saying no to God, at least not trying to but to people I do say no.
Also on our great trip I noticed how I closed up when these situations came around. I felt so bad about it, but first of all I am not that confident (dealing with that) in my guitar playing and feel incomplete so often... Anyway realizing I cant handle pressure so well. And I cant hide my emotions so well, hahah, which makes the first one a bit hard. ;)
But I love challenges because I know they make me who I am... I dont like the mindset that "Kirsika, you should be ready all the time to worship" because I am not a robot, BUT I do understand the desire behind that sentence. The desire to know and love God with all our hearts, to worship Him 24x7 with our lifestyles. Maybe not with a guitar and a song, but with our lives...

Friends. Have a great weekend ahead. I am trying to rest and also work a bit with some projects. Other then that, you know what, Life is good. Life is so good and so precious. Value it and breath it in. ;)
Kirsi

Being bullied myself as a little girl this video made me cry out loud early in the morning.
Hope you are not the one who walks away. Hope you are not the one who starts filming. Or the one who ignores.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EisZTB4ZQxY

Something something

It was absolutely amazing.
The concert was everything I dreamed and hoped about. It had a little ups and downs and I was afraid that Ill mess up but putting it all together with Margus and Kaidi and a good team of helpers... It was so good and Im so happy we decided to pull it together a bit bigger. I do have 3 songs up on my music-page that you can listen to from the live-concert and here´s THE link:
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/sets/j-ulukontsert-2013

Its been some great weeks behind me. Oh its been hard weeks full of work and youth and church but its all been worth it. I wonder almost every week why am I doing the things I am doing BUT then something happens and I see it all together again, I mean I see it how it really is and then I know. I am doing these things because I am suppose to be exactly here at this time. This is my time and my life and I have everything that God has intended for me right now. Maybe I have had to say no to so many concerts etc but RIGHT now I have what I need and its enough.
I could write down the highlights from 2013 but I dont really bother. What matters the most is that everything I do I want to do for God. I complain and gruff and puff and I must admit that quite often, BUT heck, life is worth so much more. I even complain that I dont get everything I want straight away BUT what if straight away is not the best for me. Anyway. 2013 has been hard but good. So very good. And so very interesting. Big changes, big steps of faith, full of pain and hurt, full of joy and love and laughter. Full of friends and family. Full of mistakes and forgiveness. Full of pictures.

Enjoy your life. Appreciate life. Appreciate big things, small things, sad things, happy things.
Have fun. :)
Cry if you need to.
And hug someone you love.
Hug someone you dont love.

How.

Performing in front of your loved ones, the ones who know you and you know them, is always the hardest. No, I am not afraid, but yes, I am afraid. The Christmas-concert is only a few days ahead and right now there will be only one rehearsal before Sunday. ONE! Oh boy. There are reasons for that which cannot be shared publicly, hehe... But I am also excited. Because I know it will be one heck of a concert. Surprises included. ;)
Im just starting to repeat myself, but its been really crazy for me... So much to do always and when I count the times Ive been sick, oh oh, just way too much of that. So no more. Now its cheers for being healthy and eating good food and enjoying the crazyness as well because you know what, one CAN actually do that. Enjoy the crazy times. Because in the midst of all the stuff that needs to be done, there is ALWAYS fun and precious moments. Playing card games or watching a stupid movie that doesnt give you much but still time spent with friends while doing that, seeing a child laugh in the store, a friend who has survived a bad accident comes back home-church-to friends... Precious. And so valuable. Or really, seeing an eleven-year-old girl enter a church one day and actually staying and now being a part of it. Brings tears to my eyes. Tears of thankfulness and joy. I am so happy and relieved that God brings us these moments of REST because thats HOW He can show us He is real, He is right here, with US! Right now. In every single moment. Every. Single. Moment.
So how do I do it? Work full time, youth, church, worship, music, concerts, being sick, time with friends, time with God, reading, time with myself??!!. Well. I take one step at a time. I look forward to tomorrow BUT I Live right now, I live today. One step at a time. Because believe me, skip a step and you will fall. Though even then there is Someone who brings me up. From the fall.
Be courageous this week. Be bold to tell someone they are important to you. Be bold to encourage. To love. To give a hug that might save someones day. Be courageous.
:)

Let go. Let go. Fight?

So which one is it? Fight or let go?

The question for me has always been about this. There have been times I have known 100% that I had to let go. And another times I knew I had to fight for something. For my freedom. For my family. For friends.
And yet again in many areas of my life I question the very same thing. To fight or to let go. And truth be told - I have no idea. Some days its as if I know. Its as if I know that Im suppose to go on without letting go. And some other days, moments, I feel the urge, the great need to let go.
And what about the saying - let go and let God? Why then are we suppose to hold on to some stuff and let go other? Haa, I know I sound like a desperate woman, but I am not. I know who I am. Its just that there are days I wonder... And question.
Just like everybody else.
I am not frantic.
I am not desperate.
I am just someone who thinks way too much. And yet again, I was created to think. To reason and to question. And I was created to love, to live, to laugh, to hold on and to let go.
For years one of my favorite passages in Bible has been about timing. There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven... A time. A certain time. I tend to forget that. I tend to press on with my own knowledge which is 0 compared to God´s.
I am probably not making sense today. And thats 100% ok. I guess I cant always make sense (read-almost never)...
I was asked yesterday if I KNOW my own value. I couldnt say yes. I couldnt say no. So I said the simple thing that I almost always say. I said I know that I am loved. Oh boy. But do I know that I am also worthy of being loved. Worthy of being fought for. Of being pursued. I have stopped believing that long time ago. So I keep saying to people that I am loved. I just pray that God would show us all our true value. So that we could learn to trust Him in every question we face. Even if we need to let go of something or hold on to another thing.

But how am I doing. Really. How am I doing today, or yesterday or tomorrow. I guess I am good. I have my moments where I wanna scream and hit someone. And then I normally shut down. Instead of being angry I shut down. And there are moments I am so happy I could kiss someone or give a Kirsika-hug (which I do anyway)... But mostly I am being me. Without masks. If Im sad everybody knows that and if Im happy everybody knows that. Cant hide a freaking thing when it comes to me. Sometimes I wish I could. I have had some great moments with music lately and for that I am so very very very excited and thankful and happy.
Because if I could choose just 1 thing. 1 thing to do. Then it would be music. Singing, guitar. Worship. Then I would give my 100% and everything else I would put a little behind. Then I wouldnt fight so hard to do about 99 other things because if I dont then what would people think. Jup. I said it.
And I want to do all these other 99 things. But maybe I shouldnt.

Like all of them 99 different things I just shared about. ;)

Advent

Patience is NOT my strongest side. I have no idea how many blog-posts are about waiting, patience, expecting the right time, waiting on God etc. No idea. But probably 50% or something... I am not surprised though. Everything in this world just goes faster and faster and people tend to get things quicker and if not, then they give up and move to next thing. Like there is NO time to wait on anything because you gotta have it now and if not now then there is always something new and "better" ahead. Right?

Oh how Im struggling with this mindset. Because I want my things now. Its as if Im waiting for my life to start even though it has already started 26 years ago. God gave me life and he chose my parents for that. For 26 years I have lived a full life. Struggles, joys, tears, laughter, snow, rain, friends. I have had it all and I STILL HAVE IT ALL. Its not good to always always look forward for a better day. Coz then one definitely never enjoys a moment. The moment one has right now. 

I am looking out my window and I see a light pink-orange color in the sky. Its still early and I live on a 5th floor so the views I get each morning are sometimes breathtaking, sometimes not so... BUT mostly I know that heck, if I cant even enjoy the view, the moment that I have been given right now, HOW can I be sure that whats ahead, is the start of my "wanted" life? 

Appreciating the little things is so hard. Once you start though... Oh wow. I mean I look back at yesterday and yes, there were moments in it I wish I COULD erase, some words spoken by me I wish I could take back, acts done I wish I wish I wish. BUT it was such a good day. SO good. And my hope is that when I look back a year from now, I see the good. The beautiful. Not the impatience, the constant waiting of better, bigger...

I had a little concert yesterday with my friend Kaidi. And there was someone from the local church sharing a word because it was the 1st advent and she was suppose to lit the candle etc. Anyway, she said that we live in this fast world where people expect everything NOW. And even with Christmas, we start Christmas now, we are so bad with waiting, but advent-time is the time where we can reflect, we can wait for our God, our precious Savior... I still remember the first time I came home for Christmas from Wales and my little girl Ester ran to me with an advent-chocolate-calendar and said that its for me. And then she was like, Im sorry, I ate a few chocolates cos I couldnt wait, resist, hahahaha, I laughed my head off. Cute as she can be. But anyway, eating the chocolates coz one cant wait... Oh and btw, the concert was so good. Enjoyed sharing about God the Father publicly and had a good time at the kindergarten principal home later on... :)

Have a good advent-time. SPEND IT WITH YOUR FAMILY, friends. Appreciate, love, live and laugh!!!!!!!!!

Rest

You are my Savior.
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/oceans-where-feet-mai-fail

This weekend was a blessing to me. I didnt rest, yet I did rest. I had a chance to visit my parents in Vodja in their new "home" which is a long story anyway that most of you know already... Anyway, it was my mums 45-birthday and we celebrated. With tons of food, friends and family. No rest though, hehe... Helping to cook food for approx. 25-30 people was my main task and then paramparaa - music!
That was my rest. To do music with Margus again. Oh I didnt know I had missed it so very much... He is so good, he never looks any papers, just plays from his memory and then he says he is not good... Like WHAT? Anyway, I just enjoyed it. When I sing while he plays, I can just flow and go wherever I want to go
without worrying too much... So it was my rest after many months. So the Soundcloud link - there I uploaded one of our recordings, I also have an Estonian version but its not up yet. Maybe soon, maybe not at all, I guess we will see...
And yesterday babysitting Ester, well, not really. She doesnt really need babysitting, just someone who is with her. We went for a walk outside, watched cartoons, did her schoolwork together. Was a good Sunday and later on dad and Margus took me back to Pärnu, so here I am. Home. This is my home and I missed my bed and friends and family here... :) Wherever you are, you create a place for yourself, that includes friends, places, your things. So THIS here is my place. And I am happy here. :)
Have a wonderfulll week. Okidoki.
:)

10 weeks

When everything seems so overwhelming.
From time to time I struggle with my emotions so that it pours out to everyone I care about. It is just overflowing, overwhelming, and I have decided not to wear masks. I cant. Its not me. If Id be wearing masks then Id be dying inside. And I couldnt share the love that God has given me for people.
But overwhelming. Yes. I told two of my girls yesterday NOT to hide their tears. Oh them trying to be so strong. To keep it together. NO. Please do not keep it together if there is nothing to hold on to anymore. Because at a place of hurt and pain and tears and crying there is actually a chance for healing. There is actually a place for God to come and be the Dad He wants to be. The love of your life. Of my life.
I think I cried through all the meeting yesterday. I cried after that. And after-after that. And when I went to sleep I had peace. Because it came so strong to me: Let GO and let God!
Dont try to be so strong all the time. Why the heck do we need God if we ourselves try to manage all the time? We dont need God then... Ford goodness sake I havent been a Christian for 20 years just because Im following a trend. I am a Christian because I believe I need God in my life. I need my Father. I need Him to Father me and mother me. I am hurt. I am broken. I cant and wont and dont want to do it on my own.
Maybe you say that I am weak. Oh crap, let me be weak so I could be strong in Him then. And I dont know how it works. I still dont know. I just know that somehow in my weakness He usually finds me and lifts me up, gives me hope and brings me future. Somehow He does it. In His loving way.

My time in Pärnu has been so intense. 10 weeks in Pärnu has gone by so fast. Havent had time to breathe except a few days off where I have just been. And not doing anything is hard for me. It makes me feel like Im nothing and like Im wasting time. Which are the biggest lies one can have. I just read about Sabbath last night and it really touched my heart because God has told us to rest. Cmn, in the first page in Bible GOD RESTED. Then why are we so busy and always doing doing doing in order to earn love and affection and attention... Afraid to take a day off, a day of rest...
A full week of preparing, 2 days of parties in Pärnu and Sindi and yesterday...Well, just cleaning the place which looked like it was trashed. 3 DAYS full work instead of resting... And then I had the breaking point where I just couldnt stop crying. My heart was literally aching for myself, for my youth. I cant share everything here whats going on, but it seems there is not one person on planet earth who is not aching and hurting. Everybody has their pain, their hurts from past, unforgiveness and sometimes I wish God would not let me feel what other people feel but if I wouldnt have that I wouldnt be able to love like I do...

Oh but I have to say that these 10 weeks have been the hardest and yet the best ones. It was my decision to come, and it has been the best decision to stay.

Hugs, K

Word and prayer

I am not good with reading Bible and I admit it. Im not good with certain times of prayer and I admit it.
But lately I discovered something that really helps me read my book of life... I placed it on my kitchen table a week ago and every morning and dinner or whenever Im there I read at least a passage or a scripture and it has started to nourish me. Maybe not yet in a crazy deep level but to the point where Im like, hey, its good. And its food. Food for my heart and soul and flesh and spirit. I found this scripture this morning where it said that if I hope in my Lord and give my ways to Him then He will make all things good... You know what, IF thats not encouraging then I dont know what is. If I trust in HIM then He will work things out for me. I mean if I think about the fact that Bible is a love letter from God to His people where He just wants His kids back... A love letter! That means that he actually means everything He says through Bible. A love letter to me. To You.
And prayer... Yes. Maybe I dont pray at a certain time every single day but I talk to Him. I talk to my healer. To my savior. To my Father. I share my struggles even though sometimes it takes an eternity for me to open my mouth and actually say anything. But every time I do open my mouth I know He hears me. He sees my pain. He sees my joy. My thankfulness and my agony as well.
I dont know everything about God. I know only very little. I wish Id know Him in a way where its so intimate that NOTHING shakes me anymore. No news about abandonment or tragedies or a bad word. That nothing can take me away from the Love of my life. But not there yet. :)
Anyway. Im done now. Said what I had in my heart and head and even in my fingers. And gonna log out now. But take these words with you as you close your computer and go about your everyday duties:
You are HIS BELOVED. His loved One!
K

I want my chicken and I want it now!

"I cant do it" "I dont have time" "I am not enough" "I am afraid to try it because I might fail" and so on and so on... Its like a constant battle in my life lately. I visited a friend yesterday whom Ive known way over 20 years now, she is the girl I could go through fire with because she is just someone who one can trust. My first childhood friend and heck, I know we have a long future ahead as well... But anyway, that was not where I wanted to go to with my story. I shared some of my struggles with her and realized that I use those expressions way too much. I am afraid which means I live if fear which means in many areas in my life there is no freedom.
My favorite songs through some years now has been Faithful Father and Freedom. Both songs share some wisdom by which we could live by if we choose to. In Him we can fully trust who knows our future, the One who brings Freedom and wants us to live in Freedom. Which means NO fear, NO worrying, NO judgement and failure... Because when we do fail and feel like we are not enough then there is freedom, you know! Freedom to choose to be who we are.

BUT we use our little sentences like "I cant do it" and "I will fail if I try". Well, maybe the thing is that you actually CANT do it because on your own you dont even have to do it. I mean, I look at my life right now and I see so much potential and I see so much I could do but use those excuses all the time. Like they belong into my heart and there are days I see the truth behind and then there are days I want to run and not do anything because I CANT. Or I hide behind the typical - I dont have time - sentence. Well, we all have 24x7 right?!! Oh boy, I sometimes come home from work and I am tired as a dog. Ok, probably most dogs are not as tired as I am then but anyway... Lets just say Id rather spend all my evening watching TV (that I dont have) then go to church and spent time with people. BUT I choose people because I love people and I love investing myself into their lives. I might not see myself as good and as worthy as I am in the eyes of my Lord but I still can choose to trust that He knows what He is doing through me. Right?

And sometimes we want things to happen fast. Like you know when you were little and got to use computer for the first time (you get it when ure my age or older) and the computer took 10-15 minutes to start up, haha... And you waited patiently because you didnt know computers will start up within seconds in future. You waited. Patiently. And now, if a computer is too full of crap or something, it doesnt start up that fast and you panic because you want it NOW! REALLY? Get a grip. I mean it. We are so used to get everything RIGHT NOW or else we dont want it at all.
Let me give you an example of my own behavior the other day in the store... Oh boy did I get angry or what. So me and my friend we were standing in line to get some chicken (yum) and suddenly they just totally missed our number and called the number after us. What the heck. I mean I was like, HEY its our turn. We want our chicken NOW because it was our turn. And then the lady behind the counter was like, but I cant just take you in between and I walked away angry and then she called us back, that she will give us our chicken and I was already like, I DONT WANT YOUR CHICKEN. And so we walked away and stood somewhere with my friend and we were hungry and so we went back, got a new number and got our chicken (me=humbled and ashamed of my behavior).
But you know what. IT DOESNT have to be like that. I mean why do we so badly want to snap our fingers and expect God to answer our every single prayer within seconds. Maybe His plan is totally different to ours. Maybe He is like, I want THIS THING for you in a different time. Maybe He knows better! Have you thought about that? Maybe He actually knows better then you do. And maybe years later when you get your prayer answer you see that He knew. He never forgot, He just knew better...

Our lives are full of things we could do, should do, would do. Sometimes its our own excuses and lies in our hearts that stop us. Sometimes its not the time yet. And some things are just not meant for us. Make lists if you need to. Start somewhere. I am so writing this post to myself but also to you, my dear beautiful talented wonderful perfect darling great precious friend! I have so many lies in my heart trying to press me down every single day, hour, minute. I am not gonna give up. Even if I want to. So often. Listen to God and friends who want the best for you.
And wait for you chicken, ok? :)

Little things.

You know what, we all go through some different things. Every. Single. Day. We all fight with thoughts. With emotions. Some hide it better. Some worse (me). We ALL struggle. We all have little addictions.
So Im wondering, why DO we all try so desperately hide behind the masks then. When actually we are all in the same boat. We need each other. We need to know we are loved by one another. We need encouragement daily. From friends. From God. From friends through God.
I have had one heck of a hard week. My last post was about Martin, and I still dont know the full story plus I havent been able to go and see him /I would not be let in anyway so... But I mean my week started off with the worst news possible. Then in the middle of the week I started to struggle with my health (Not to mention the bad dreams I saw all week long) and the weekend off has been bad. Yesterday I had a full day on migraine and today I woke up with nausea. Bad stuff right?
Then why do I try to show everyone how strong I am then? I am not strong. I am heartbroken for some stuff and I am in pain. Nope. NOT strong.
BUT heck no Im gonna be brought down. I have a good family in blood and in Christ. I have Christ. I am loved loved loved loved loved. And you better start to feed that knowledge into your own heart as well. That no matter what we go through, no matter what we DO, we are loved. We can always, every single time, go back to Christ and know that through His blood we are forgiven. That through Him we are not forsaken and abandoned. We are NOT alone.

So, yes, its been a hard week. But I keep on seeing through the little things how He loves me. Little-big things. Like a new tea my friends brought me last night (some might say that it was my friends, not God, but hey, werent we all created by God to love and give...) while I had dreamed of a different kind of tea all day long... ;) Little things.

Why I ask...

...you to pray for my friend Martin!
On a Sunday night after a full day of good things, church, Steffanies etc I turn on my computer and first thing I see is a message on fb saying that Martin Traksmann is in a critical condition in Viljandi hospital. LIKE WHAT? WHY? WHEN? What the heck happened... So he was in a motorbike accident while driving back to Pärnu. I dont know the whole-full story but it was not his bad. And even if it would have been, what difference would it make in a bigger plan. Anyway Martin is a good friend of mine. I met him first a few years back and then again this summer when he just walked in to Youth Reality one Friday night. And he has been in our church quite a lot after that. We have been hanging out and I really like the dude´s heart and passion for God. He is sincere and he is a friend! SO I really really urge you to pray for him. He has several broken bones and some internal injuries, he is in the artificial coma; no spine damage and no signs of brain damage, so THANK God for that... BUT he better come out of it!!!!! Pray, thank God for him, pray as he is healed already. Dont think twice if you have time or not. JUST pray!!!!!

3 weeks

Haaa its starting to look like I write a post after another week has passed but oh no, I promise, when things cool off (which they probably wont anyway, haha) I might write more. Maybe. Maybe not... :)
So yes. 3 weeks in Pärnu and it just feels surreal. I cant believe another week has gone by without me noticing it. I gotta go to work today and 2 days off for example were like nothing. Im not sure I even did everything I wanted to do...
Ill share a bit about my last week. The only evening I had off was Monday evening. On Tuesday night I went out with Jenny Kruse people and some friends of mine to a Jenny Kruse boat-ride. That was FUN and cold but mostly fun. :) And then there were rehearsals and meetings with friends and youth reality and church and Sindi. But I am not the kind of person to sit at home alone anyway so it was all good. Its just time here passes by way too quick. Its already the last week of September and Im just like- what, wait, when, how come? :) I have had some good evenings with friends, sharing about dreams and visions, and I WANT TO DO SOME more music. And not on my own, while sitting home alone coz yes, I can do that, but it doesnt take me anywhere... haha. Maybe it does in a way, when its my alone time with God but thats different. :) Ok, maybe not so different, coz with friends, its also God in the midst of us! :)
Anyway, as you can see, my dear one, I cant get over and under and around the music part of me. Its so deep and its in me. And when Im with people, I can see, that it is coming out. Maybe in a different way than I would have expected, BUT in a good way. :)

Oh boy. And this week Im experimenting with something Ive done before as well. Im gonna have a sweets-fast-break, you can call it whatever. No candies, chocolate, cookies etc. I have had so much lately that its playing mind-games-tricks on me and I gotta have a week off. Somehow. I know I can do it. :) I know!!!

So enjoy your new week with God. With friends. With family. Please tell someone right now how precious they are to you and what they mean to you. Tell someone you love them. Or hug someone. Its so important. Probably more important then anything else.

Love, Kirsi

Crying like a baby early in the morning BUT this 3minute movie is very powerful and a must-see!
http://gawker.com/this-three-minute-commercial-puts-full-length-hollywood-1309506149

Yay for 2 weeks.

2 weeks ago I got the keys to my home. 2 weeks ago my first work-week started. 2 weeks ago I moved to Pärnu and today, finally after 2 weeks, I took a walk in the early morning to the sea-side. Oh Kirsi, why now? Why not every day for the last 2 weeks. It was just pure joy and enjoyment. What a view. What a way to see God´s glory. What an opportunity for me to just have my morning-times there since Im up anyway... A little bit windy, a little bit salty, crispy morning. Such fresh air...
And you know what, yesterday was a new day but so is today. It was a wonderful day. But so is today.
We had a guest in our church and he shared a story about something that I will probably never ever forget. About an elephant who is standing in one place because he doesnt know he can break free and run. Because when the big elephant was a baby-elephant he was grounded with the same stick to the ground and then he couldnt get off, he kept trying but just couldnt. So he gave up AND stopped trying. And when he grew up he had the same mind-set "Im stuck here coz I cant get off".
I am no elephant stuck in one place. And thats why I moved to Pärnu. I knew my place is here. FOR who knows how long Im here for but right now I dont want to go anywhere else. I am here and I am doing my thing. I am doing my thing with God. And with people who see potential in me (haha, hopefully!)... So if you still ask what the heck is Kirsika doing in Pärnu. WELL, MY THING. ;) I dont quite know yet what my thing really is, but little steps. Little steps. Little. And maybe a big step in the middle. But somewhere along the way I am doing my thing...

When...

...your heart literally breaks coz you have no idea how to move on with your dreams.
Well. Mine is still here and well and alive but a little bit broken right now. I am here. In Pärnu. For 2 weeks already and its been such a great 2 weeks. And Im starting to settle in. With my life here. Different stuff going on every day. Workwise its good, Im getting used to my colleges and work-system.
But there is this one thing. And thats called music. And I am really struggling to get back on track. To see the bigger picture. To find the joy in music. In worship. In guitarplaying. In writing songs. In finding my own time to do all that. And Im in a need right now. Such a deep need. I have no desire to wake up one day being 70 and realizing I never shared my vision with anyone or that I never did enough to make them come true. That would be just horrible. A nightmare even. I want to step out and soon. I want to believe in my music. In what I am doing. And I want to find that passion again in my doings.
I believe God has a calling for all of us. I believe He has made us with bigger pictures. And the way He sees all of us is pretty much perfect and so beautiful. And He knows my dreams. He really knows them. Coz He has put them there. And right now I want to trust Him. I need to. I cant loose my focus. Non of us should... Found this saying somewhere that if its still in our minds its worth taking the risk. Yes. Thats what I want right now.
BUT as I said to my pastor last night. I am proud of myself. With a heartache I still made the choice to move to Pärnu. I still came and Im here to stay unless I hear otherwise. And only from God. Not everything you should know about me but if there is one thing, then its this: I am proud of myself and God is also proud of me! :)
Love, Kirsi

Pärnu.

Elangi nüüd päriselt Pärnus. Juba nädal aega peaaegu. Kõik on praegu veel nii uus ja mulle ei ole kohale jõudnud, et ma olengi siin. Et ma ei pea enam iga nädalavahetus edasi-tagasi Türi-Pärnu-Türi marsruuti sõitma ja et peale kirikut ei pea keegi mind mu pastorite juurde ööseks sõidutama ja et... Ühesõnaga, et ma elan siin.
Aga miks? Miks ikkagi Pärnu ja mida ma teen siin?
Mõtlesin, et annan väikese algusloo ka, muidu on mõtetu lihtsalt õelda, et nüüd olengi siin ja kõik on hästi ja kuidas ma töökoha sain ja kus elan...
Teadsin Karinit-Sveni ikka päris pikka aega, aga uuesti kohtusime paar aastat tagasi Isa Süda konverentsil Türil. Ja Karinil tekkis mingi aeg idee, et võiks Kirss Pärnusse enda kogudusse kutsuda. Ja see idee kasvas ja siis pool aastat tagasi Märtsi alguses lõpuks teostus. Käisin siis enda lugu (toitumishäired, sõltuvus, vabanemine jms) siin rääkimas. Muidugi sai ühest tüdrukuteõhtust terve nädalavahetus full on tegevusi. Reedel juhtisin ülistust ja rääkisin enda tunnistuse Youth Reality-s, laupäeval oli väike ülistusseminar või siis pigem ülimõnus jutuajamine suure grupi inimestega, kes kõik armastavad Jumalat ja igatsevad ülistuse kohta rohkem teada saada; õhtul käisime veel Sindi spordipäeval (iganädalased üritused, mis on mõeldud 1-9.ndatele klassidele ja mida korraldab YR), ja hiljem oli siis tüdrukute osadusaeg. Olin ikka megaväsinud selleks ajaks juba ja kui pühapäeval peale kõike üles ärkasin, olin haige. Ikka nii haige, et krambid, palavik ja migreenihoog. Ja koju tagasi jõudsin esmaspäeval, kui mind autoga viidi, sest ise eriti end liigutada ei suutnud... :)
Anyway, olin kodus ja mõtlesin, et mis juhtus. Siinkohal ütlen, et mul ei olnud ju Eestis enda kogudust. Kohta, kus ma oleksin end tundnud kodus, kohta, kus ma oleksin saanud jagada ja anda. Kohta, kus oleksid minu inimesed. Kui ma Walesist 1,5 aastat tagasi Eestisse tulin, siis kolisin kohe tagasi Türile ja jäin sinna nn üksi. Ja minu üks suurimaid igatsusi oli leida endale koht, kus ma saaksin olla mina ise.
Ja järsku tuli selline vajadus tagasi Pärnusse kuidagi jõuda. Paar nädalat hiljem avastasin end taas SIIN. Pärnus. Ma ei teagi, kuidas see juhtus, aga ma teadsin, et olen kodus. Isegi, kui see imelik tundub siiamaani, et keegi võib sellise asja pärast linna vahetada ja elukoha leida, siis minul hakkas see mõte peas ringi jooksma. Olin alles Türi-Alliku lasteaias ka tööl ja teadsin, et enne Septembrit ei koli ma kohe kindlasti. Nii ma siis sõitsin 6 kuud edasi-tagasi. Aidates igal pool, kus võimalik. Muidugi seal on palju asju, millest ma ei saa ja ei taha siin suures plaanis rääkida. Ja ei see, et kõik on meeletult kerge ja lihtne. Nope. Tihti on tulnud peatäis pisaraid nutta ja siis edasi tegutseda, aga kui südames miski põleb, siis selle vastu ei saa.

Augusti alguses hakkasin siis elukohta ja töökohta otsima. Käisin kortereid vaatamas ja kaalusin erinevate inimeste juures elamist. Käisin ühes kohvikus proovipäeval ja teises vestlusel. Saatsin oma CV-d igale poole ja muudkui otsisin ja järjest nõutumaks muutusin. Ühel hetkel sain aru, et minu südames on nii suur vajadus enda kodu järgi kohe ja praegu, et ma olen nii paljud variandid kinni pannud...
30.08 oli minu viimane tööpäev Türi-Alliku lasteaias, 31.08 oli minu esimene tööpäev Pärnus ja 01.09 sain endale elukoha...
Nii, kui tegin otsuse, et kolin kõigepealt siia ja siis saan rahulikult edasi otsuseid teha, juhtus kõik nii kiiresti, et nüüd nädal hiljem ei ole ma veel korralikult hingatagi saanud... Kolisin siis Mai keskuse juurde. Kogudusse on 2 sammu astuda, meri on paarisaja meetri kaugusel ja kõik olulised poed samuti. Olen niiiiii õnnistatud ja tänulik selle koha eest, et ei oska midagi õelda. Korteri omanik töötab Soomes ja käib aegajalt Eestis, mul on selline armas tuba ja TEAN, et ühel päeval tuleb mulle täitsa minu oma kodu ka. Seni on kodu siin. :) Ja töökoht... Huh, sain esialgu kolmeks kuuks Jenny Kruse misjonipoodi tööle. Pm-lt toovad nad kaupa Rootsist ja tead mis, tule ise läbi sealt. Siis näed täpselt, mida ma teen. Olen kassas, jooksen ringi, korrastan riiuleid, sorteerin kaupa jne jne. 5 päeva nädalas, selline püsiv asi hetkel.
Nii, et miks kolis Kirss Pärnu?
Sest ma teadsin, et ma pean ise otsustama. Ma olen alati olnud inimene, kelle jaoks õigel ajal on õiged uksed lahti läinud. Ma olen alati teadnud täpselt, kuhu Jumal mind on juhtinud. AGA Jumal töötab erinevalt. Vahel ei juhtu kõik asjad KOHE ja praegu. Vahel peame me ise otsuse tegema ja siis Ta toob läbimurde. Ja praegu ma lihtsalt otsustasin, et siia ma tulen nomatterwhat. :)

Vaatan siin oma viienda korruse aknast välja ja tean, et Ta on ustav. Tean, et Ta hoolib ja tean, et ma olen hoitud ja kaitstud. Ja armastatud. Isegi, kui ma ei tunne ja ei koge seda iga sekund. Just täna sain kaks väga rasket ja mitte-nii-toredat e-maili ja mõtlesin, et mida nüüd. Ja siis järsku mõtlesin, et elus ongi erinevad asjad, vahel läheb ülesmäge, vahel allamäge ja et ma peaksin hoopis naeratama, sest naeratus on alati ülesmäge. ;)
Ja tead mis, tule külla mulle! Ma otsin praegu põhjust kooki küpsetada (OI, selle peale tuli mu aknast pannkoogilõhna, oi, peaks ise vist naabritele külla minema...)! ;)
Ja ma vajan praegu väga palveid. Sest see on meeletult suur otsus minu elus olnud ja mingis mõttes olen ma kohas, kus ma ei tea, mis edasi saab, aga samas, kas on inimest, kes teab täpselt, mis homme juhtub!!!
Kirsu

(Ps! Sry, kui ma ei ole korralikult sinu kirjale või telefonikõnele vastanud; nagu ma mainisin, ma ei ole veel hingatagi saanud, rääkimata siis muust!) ;)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So Im finally here. In Pärnu. Actually living here. And working. After a long period of wanting to move here its done!!!! IM HERE!

But the story why and where and when is a bit longer ofc. Those who have been following my life and also my blog know that its been a progress and process for me. Pärnu came into my life about 6 months ago now, in the beginning of March if I remember right. There was this absolutely great pastor´s wife, Karin, who saw me leading worship some years ago in FH conference and she had also heard a bit of my story with eating disorder etc. So she decided she wants to invite me to Pärnu to their church. So I could share my story to the girls. Oh we tried to set it up for months and months and finally it succeeded. Oh boy, was that a weekend. So if there is one thing I learned from my first weekend was that nothing is done half-way (with Sven-Karin-Kenneth). My girl-talk was just 1 part of my visit. On Friday night (youth meeting) I led worship and shared a bit of my testimony, on Saturday morning I shared about worship to the worship-team, after that they took me to Sindi to a sports-day and in the evening I had the girls-group. And ofc I managed to wake up almost dead the next morning, sick with fever and cramps and migraine headache so I was taken home by car the next day coz I just couldnt do anything (couldnt even stay for the Sunday-meeting)...

(One thing you must understand: I had absolutely no contact with Pärnu before that. I had been here occasionally, just a summer-city for me. So even thinking about moving to Pärnu was out of the question.)

So I go back home and suddenly I find myself thinking about the church, the youth, the pastors and Im drawn back there. After moving home from Wales 1,5 years ago I had a hard time finding a church, a place I could call Home. A place where I could serve and be myself. So suddenly seeing all that in Pärnu was freaking weird and scary. It takes me a few weeks to finally visit Pärnu again and see all the people that I missed. And as time goes by, I find myself travelling back and forth every weekend, sometimes weekly as well. As soon as I had no work in kindergarten, I was in Pärnu again. Helping with Sindi Sports, with worship, just spending time with people I care about. Realizing that when Im in Türi, I miss all of that. 

A decision had to be made. A big one. After July was over with all the Americans visiting the church, the missions in Sindi etc etc, I was in a place where I knew I want to move to Pärnu. I knew it so deep in me that nothing could tell me its a wrong decision. Sometimes in my life when things get serious I run... But this time the knowledge of not running away when it gets hard, overwhelmed me stronger than fear.

So in the beginning of August I started to look for a place to live and a job. Went to see different apartments and was thinking of even moving into someone´s house, but non of it felt right. Just non of it made sense to me... Went to a few job interviews and test days and just couldnt find the right thing. I also realized that in my head I dreamed of a home where I can already put everything in a place and call it MY place. But with the salaries I was offered in different places I could have not afford my own place. So I looked through every option again and saw a light. With a help of a few good friends ocf.
Lets see; on Friday (30.08) I had my last day in Türi-Alliku kindergarten, on Saturday (31.08) had my first day in my new job and on Sunday (01.09) I got myself an apartment. And all that happened when I finally made the decision that I have to get myself here and then everything else comes... I havent even got the time to breathe in and out this last week. Everything happened so fast (and furious, haha).
I live near my church, near the sea and near all the biggest shops. Oh so good. SO very good and I actually feel its the best place for me right now. A good-sized room in a 3-room apartment (the lady works in Finland and occasionally comes home for the weekend) and a good view. I love how I came for the church and now church is just 2 steps from me... ;)
And the job. I was offered a job in Jenny Kruse mission-shop downtown (https://www.facebook.com/JennyKruseHeategevuspood). Its basically supporting Jenny Kruse ship and the stuff to the shop is brought in from Sweden. Kinda like a second-hand-charity shop. And its perfect for now coz I get to use a lot of my own creativity there and its a safe 5-day 8-hour job for me. It came to me and I accepted. What a better way to start my life here.
Yes, now and then I shed a tear, or more like a river of tears coz even now I have no idea what Im doing or where Im going, but something is happening and at least I havent stopped. ;)

Come and visit me. I will give you a huge hug and bake you a cake (maybe). Come and see yourself how I am doing because no blog-post will show you how I am really doing and what emotions I have right now. :) I am a little bit sorry with all the letters I havent replied to and some unanswered calls. I really havent had the time and well, why excuses. Its just been busy!
So yes, Kirsi is in Pärnu and today I rest! ;)

You love who you love... who you love.

Deeper

I can choose to be happy?
For some reason its hard for me to agree with that statement. I mean yes, in some ways I can choose happiness over sadness. But what if its a deep sadness? What if its something that is just so deep that being happy is out of the question? And its not that there is no happiness and good moments and laughter and joy but what if there is this sadness that doesnt leave with a finger-snap. Its not like one can snap her fingers and the sadness is gone.
And anyway I believe that I cant choose happiness, I believe that God can bring us a deep satisfaction in Him and He can lead us to happiness. But its not something I can choose. Coz when I choose it myself, it comes for 5 minutes and then someone says something and my own chosen happiness is gone immediately. Like a cupcake.

So. Maybe the statements like, "its gonna be a good day coz I choose it to be" or "I will choose to be happy" are not so true at all. They will bring us a momentary happiness, but what about the deep joy? What about the God-given joy. So maybe I can choose to believe in my Fathers love and knowledge that He will bring me through and through. And bring me back my happiness and joy.
Coz the inner joy and peace. That is what I grave for. Not for the momentary things. Not for the 5-minute chosen happy-face. Nope.

And I am sorry if I have said something that you find absolutely the other way around. Maybe you can choose to be happy and for that I am thankful. But for me it works differently. And my God is a mysterious God, Im pretty sure I will make it through and get my deep joy that Im longing and yearning for. Knowledge that I am loved and loved and loved. Knowledge that I am enough in Him. Knowledge that I am not too much. Deeper peace. Deeper joy.