Rest

You are my Savior.
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/oceans-where-feet-mai-fail

This weekend was a blessing to me. I didnt rest, yet I did rest. I had a chance to visit my parents in Vodja in their new "home" which is a long story anyway that most of you know already... Anyway, it was my mums 45-birthday and we celebrated. With tons of food, friends and family. No rest though, hehe... Helping to cook food for approx. 25-30 people was my main task and then paramparaa - music!
That was my rest. To do music with Margus again. Oh I didnt know I had missed it so very much... He is so good, he never looks any papers, just plays from his memory and then he says he is not good... Like WHAT? Anyway, I just enjoyed it. When I sing while he plays, I can just flow and go wherever I want to go
without worrying too much... So it was my rest after many months. So the Soundcloud link - there I uploaded one of our recordings, I also have an Estonian version but its not up yet. Maybe soon, maybe not at all, I guess we will see...
And yesterday babysitting Ester, well, not really. She doesnt really need babysitting, just someone who is with her. We went for a walk outside, watched cartoons, did her schoolwork together. Was a good Sunday and later on dad and Margus took me back to Pärnu, so here I am. Home. This is my home and I missed my bed and friends and family here... :) Wherever you are, you create a place for yourself, that includes friends, places, your things. So THIS here is my place. And I am happy here. :)
Have a wonderfulll week. Okidoki.
:)

10 weeks

When everything seems so overwhelming.
From time to time I struggle with my emotions so that it pours out to everyone I care about. It is just overflowing, overwhelming, and I have decided not to wear masks. I cant. Its not me. If Id be wearing masks then Id be dying inside. And I couldnt share the love that God has given me for people.
But overwhelming. Yes. I told two of my girls yesterday NOT to hide their tears. Oh them trying to be so strong. To keep it together. NO. Please do not keep it together if there is nothing to hold on to anymore. Because at a place of hurt and pain and tears and crying there is actually a chance for healing. There is actually a place for God to come and be the Dad He wants to be. The love of your life. Of my life.
I think I cried through all the meeting yesterday. I cried after that. And after-after that. And when I went to sleep I had peace. Because it came so strong to me: Let GO and let God!
Dont try to be so strong all the time. Why the heck do we need God if we ourselves try to manage all the time? We dont need God then... Ford goodness sake I havent been a Christian for 20 years just because Im following a trend. I am a Christian because I believe I need God in my life. I need my Father. I need Him to Father me and mother me. I am hurt. I am broken. I cant and wont and dont want to do it on my own.
Maybe you say that I am weak. Oh crap, let me be weak so I could be strong in Him then. And I dont know how it works. I still dont know. I just know that somehow in my weakness He usually finds me and lifts me up, gives me hope and brings me future. Somehow He does it. In His loving way.

My time in Pärnu has been so intense. 10 weeks in Pärnu has gone by so fast. Havent had time to breathe except a few days off where I have just been. And not doing anything is hard for me. It makes me feel like Im nothing and like Im wasting time. Which are the biggest lies one can have. I just read about Sabbath last night and it really touched my heart because God has told us to rest. Cmn, in the first page in Bible GOD RESTED. Then why are we so busy and always doing doing doing in order to earn love and affection and attention... Afraid to take a day off, a day of rest...
A full week of preparing, 2 days of parties in Pärnu and Sindi and yesterday...Well, just cleaning the place which looked like it was trashed. 3 DAYS full work instead of resting... And then I had the breaking point where I just couldnt stop crying. My heart was literally aching for myself, for my youth. I cant share everything here whats going on, but it seems there is not one person on planet earth who is not aching and hurting. Everybody has their pain, their hurts from past, unforgiveness and sometimes I wish God would not let me feel what other people feel but if I wouldnt have that I wouldnt be able to love like I do...

Oh but I have to say that these 10 weeks have been the hardest and yet the best ones. It was my decision to come, and it has been the best decision to stay.

Hugs, K

Word and prayer

I am not good with reading Bible and I admit it. Im not good with certain times of prayer and I admit it.
But lately I discovered something that really helps me read my book of life... I placed it on my kitchen table a week ago and every morning and dinner or whenever Im there I read at least a passage or a scripture and it has started to nourish me. Maybe not yet in a crazy deep level but to the point where Im like, hey, its good. And its food. Food for my heart and soul and flesh and spirit. I found this scripture this morning where it said that if I hope in my Lord and give my ways to Him then He will make all things good... You know what, IF thats not encouraging then I dont know what is. If I trust in HIM then He will work things out for me. I mean if I think about the fact that Bible is a love letter from God to His people where He just wants His kids back... A love letter! That means that he actually means everything He says through Bible. A love letter to me. To You.
And prayer... Yes. Maybe I dont pray at a certain time every single day but I talk to Him. I talk to my healer. To my savior. To my Father. I share my struggles even though sometimes it takes an eternity for me to open my mouth and actually say anything. But every time I do open my mouth I know He hears me. He sees my pain. He sees my joy. My thankfulness and my agony as well.
I dont know everything about God. I know only very little. I wish Id know Him in a way where its so intimate that NOTHING shakes me anymore. No news about abandonment or tragedies or a bad word. That nothing can take me away from the Love of my life. But not there yet. :)
Anyway. Im done now. Said what I had in my heart and head and even in my fingers. And gonna log out now. But take these words with you as you close your computer and go about your everyday duties:
You are HIS BELOVED. His loved One!
K

I want my chicken and I want it now!

"I cant do it" "I dont have time" "I am not enough" "I am afraid to try it because I might fail" and so on and so on... Its like a constant battle in my life lately. I visited a friend yesterday whom Ive known way over 20 years now, she is the girl I could go through fire with because she is just someone who one can trust. My first childhood friend and heck, I know we have a long future ahead as well... But anyway, that was not where I wanted to go to with my story. I shared some of my struggles with her and realized that I use those expressions way too much. I am afraid which means I live if fear which means in many areas in my life there is no freedom.
My favorite songs through some years now has been Faithful Father and Freedom. Both songs share some wisdom by which we could live by if we choose to. In Him we can fully trust who knows our future, the One who brings Freedom and wants us to live in Freedom. Which means NO fear, NO worrying, NO judgement and failure... Because when we do fail and feel like we are not enough then there is freedom, you know! Freedom to choose to be who we are.

BUT we use our little sentences like "I cant do it" and "I will fail if I try". Well, maybe the thing is that you actually CANT do it because on your own you dont even have to do it. I mean, I look at my life right now and I see so much potential and I see so much I could do but use those excuses all the time. Like they belong into my heart and there are days I see the truth behind and then there are days I want to run and not do anything because I CANT. Or I hide behind the typical - I dont have time - sentence. Well, we all have 24x7 right?!! Oh boy, I sometimes come home from work and I am tired as a dog. Ok, probably most dogs are not as tired as I am then but anyway... Lets just say Id rather spend all my evening watching TV (that I dont have) then go to church and spent time with people. BUT I choose people because I love people and I love investing myself into their lives. I might not see myself as good and as worthy as I am in the eyes of my Lord but I still can choose to trust that He knows what He is doing through me. Right?

And sometimes we want things to happen fast. Like you know when you were little and got to use computer for the first time (you get it when ure my age or older) and the computer took 10-15 minutes to start up, haha... And you waited patiently because you didnt know computers will start up within seconds in future. You waited. Patiently. And now, if a computer is too full of crap or something, it doesnt start up that fast and you panic because you want it NOW! REALLY? Get a grip. I mean it. We are so used to get everything RIGHT NOW or else we dont want it at all.
Let me give you an example of my own behavior the other day in the store... Oh boy did I get angry or what. So me and my friend we were standing in line to get some chicken (yum) and suddenly they just totally missed our number and called the number after us. What the heck. I mean I was like, HEY its our turn. We want our chicken NOW because it was our turn. And then the lady behind the counter was like, but I cant just take you in between and I walked away angry and then she called us back, that she will give us our chicken and I was already like, I DONT WANT YOUR CHICKEN. And so we walked away and stood somewhere with my friend and we were hungry and so we went back, got a new number and got our chicken (me=humbled and ashamed of my behavior).
But you know what. IT DOESNT have to be like that. I mean why do we so badly want to snap our fingers and expect God to answer our every single prayer within seconds. Maybe His plan is totally different to ours. Maybe He is like, I want THIS THING for you in a different time. Maybe He knows better! Have you thought about that? Maybe He actually knows better then you do. And maybe years later when you get your prayer answer you see that He knew. He never forgot, He just knew better...

Our lives are full of things we could do, should do, would do. Sometimes its our own excuses and lies in our hearts that stop us. Sometimes its not the time yet. And some things are just not meant for us. Make lists if you need to. Start somewhere. I am so writing this post to myself but also to you, my dear beautiful talented wonderful perfect darling great precious friend! I have so many lies in my heart trying to press me down every single day, hour, minute. I am not gonna give up. Even if I want to. So often. Listen to God and friends who want the best for you.
And wait for you chicken, ok? :)

Little things.

You know what, we all go through some different things. Every. Single. Day. We all fight with thoughts. With emotions. Some hide it better. Some worse (me). We ALL struggle. We all have little addictions.
So Im wondering, why DO we all try so desperately hide behind the masks then. When actually we are all in the same boat. We need each other. We need to know we are loved by one another. We need encouragement daily. From friends. From God. From friends through God.
I have had one heck of a hard week. My last post was about Martin, and I still dont know the full story plus I havent been able to go and see him /I would not be let in anyway so... But I mean my week started off with the worst news possible. Then in the middle of the week I started to struggle with my health (Not to mention the bad dreams I saw all week long) and the weekend off has been bad. Yesterday I had a full day on migraine and today I woke up with nausea. Bad stuff right?
Then why do I try to show everyone how strong I am then? I am not strong. I am heartbroken for some stuff and I am in pain. Nope. NOT strong.
BUT heck no Im gonna be brought down. I have a good family in blood and in Christ. I have Christ. I am loved loved loved loved loved. And you better start to feed that knowledge into your own heart as well. That no matter what we go through, no matter what we DO, we are loved. We can always, every single time, go back to Christ and know that through His blood we are forgiven. That through Him we are not forsaken and abandoned. We are NOT alone.

So, yes, its been a hard week. But I keep on seeing through the little things how He loves me. Little-big things. Like a new tea my friends brought me last night (some might say that it was my friends, not God, but hey, werent we all created by God to love and give...) while I had dreamed of a different kind of tea all day long... ;) Little things.

Why I ask...

...you to pray for my friend Martin!
On a Sunday night after a full day of good things, church, Steffanies etc I turn on my computer and first thing I see is a message on fb saying that Martin Traksmann is in a critical condition in Viljandi hospital. LIKE WHAT? WHY? WHEN? What the heck happened... So he was in a motorbike accident while driving back to Pärnu. I dont know the whole-full story but it was not his bad. And even if it would have been, what difference would it make in a bigger plan. Anyway Martin is a good friend of mine. I met him first a few years back and then again this summer when he just walked in to Youth Reality one Friday night. And he has been in our church quite a lot after that. We have been hanging out and I really like the dude´s heart and passion for God. He is sincere and he is a friend! SO I really really urge you to pray for him. He has several broken bones and some internal injuries, he is in the artificial coma; no spine damage and no signs of brain damage, so THANK God for that... BUT he better come out of it!!!!! Pray, thank God for him, pray as he is healed already. Dont think twice if you have time or not. JUST pray!!!!!

3 weeks

Haaa its starting to look like I write a post after another week has passed but oh no, I promise, when things cool off (which they probably wont anyway, haha) I might write more. Maybe. Maybe not... :)
So yes. 3 weeks in Pärnu and it just feels surreal. I cant believe another week has gone by without me noticing it. I gotta go to work today and 2 days off for example were like nothing. Im not sure I even did everything I wanted to do...
Ill share a bit about my last week. The only evening I had off was Monday evening. On Tuesday night I went out with Jenny Kruse people and some friends of mine to a Jenny Kruse boat-ride. That was FUN and cold but mostly fun. :) And then there were rehearsals and meetings with friends and youth reality and church and Sindi. But I am not the kind of person to sit at home alone anyway so it was all good. Its just time here passes by way too quick. Its already the last week of September and Im just like- what, wait, when, how come? :) I have had some good evenings with friends, sharing about dreams and visions, and I WANT TO DO SOME more music. And not on my own, while sitting home alone coz yes, I can do that, but it doesnt take me anywhere... haha. Maybe it does in a way, when its my alone time with God but thats different. :) Ok, maybe not so different, coz with friends, its also God in the midst of us! :)
Anyway, as you can see, my dear one, I cant get over and under and around the music part of me. Its so deep and its in me. And when Im with people, I can see, that it is coming out. Maybe in a different way than I would have expected, BUT in a good way. :)

Oh boy. And this week Im experimenting with something Ive done before as well. Im gonna have a sweets-fast-break, you can call it whatever. No candies, chocolate, cookies etc. I have had so much lately that its playing mind-games-tricks on me and I gotta have a week off. Somehow. I know I can do it. :) I know!!!

So enjoy your new week with God. With friends. With family. Please tell someone right now how precious they are to you and what they mean to you. Tell someone you love them. Or hug someone. Its so important. Probably more important then anything else.

Love, Kirsi

Crying like a baby early in the morning BUT this 3minute movie is very powerful and a must-see!
http://gawker.com/this-three-minute-commercial-puts-full-length-hollywood-1309506149

Yay for 2 weeks.

2 weeks ago I got the keys to my home. 2 weeks ago my first work-week started. 2 weeks ago I moved to Pärnu and today, finally after 2 weeks, I took a walk in the early morning to the sea-side. Oh Kirsi, why now? Why not every day for the last 2 weeks. It was just pure joy and enjoyment. What a view. What a way to see God´s glory. What an opportunity for me to just have my morning-times there since Im up anyway... A little bit windy, a little bit salty, crispy morning. Such fresh air...
And you know what, yesterday was a new day but so is today. It was a wonderful day. But so is today.
We had a guest in our church and he shared a story about something that I will probably never ever forget. About an elephant who is standing in one place because he doesnt know he can break free and run. Because when the big elephant was a baby-elephant he was grounded with the same stick to the ground and then he couldnt get off, he kept trying but just couldnt. So he gave up AND stopped trying. And when he grew up he had the same mind-set "Im stuck here coz I cant get off".
I am no elephant stuck in one place. And thats why I moved to Pärnu. I knew my place is here. FOR who knows how long Im here for but right now I dont want to go anywhere else. I am here and I am doing my thing. I am doing my thing with God. And with people who see potential in me (haha, hopefully!)... So if you still ask what the heck is Kirsika doing in Pärnu. WELL, MY THING. ;) I dont quite know yet what my thing really is, but little steps. Little steps. Little. And maybe a big step in the middle. But somewhere along the way I am doing my thing...

When...

...your heart literally breaks coz you have no idea how to move on with your dreams.
Well. Mine is still here and well and alive but a little bit broken right now. I am here. In Pärnu. For 2 weeks already and its been such a great 2 weeks. And Im starting to settle in. With my life here. Different stuff going on every day. Workwise its good, Im getting used to my colleges and work-system.
But there is this one thing. And thats called music. And I am really struggling to get back on track. To see the bigger picture. To find the joy in music. In worship. In guitarplaying. In writing songs. In finding my own time to do all that. And Im in a need right now. Such a deep need. I have no desire to wake up one day being 70 and realizing I never shared my vision with anyone or that I never did enough to make them come true. That would be just horrible. A nightmare even. I want to step out and soon. I want to believe in my music. In what I am doing. And I want to find that passion again in my doings.
I believe God has a calling for all of us. I believe He has made us with bigger pictures. And the way He sees all of us is pretty much perfect and so beautiful. And He knows my dreams. He really knows them. Coz He has put them there. And right now I want to trust Him. I need to. I cant loose my focus. Non of us should... Found this saying somewhere that if its still in our minds its worth taking the risk. Yes. Thats what I want right now.
BUT as I said to my pastor last night. I am proud of myself. With a heartache I still made the choice to move to Pärnu. I still came and Im here to stay unless I hear otherwise. And only from God. Not everything you should know about me but if there is one thing, then its this: I am proud of myself and God is also proud of me! :)
Love, Kirsi

Pärnu.

Elangi nüüd päriselt Pärnus. Juba nädal aega peaaegu. Kõik on praegu veel nii uus ja mulle ei ole kohale jõudnud, et ma olengi siin. Et ma ei pea enam iga nädalavahetus edasi-tagasi Türi-Pärnu-Türi marsruuti sõitma ja et peale kirikut ei pea keegi mind mu pastorite juurde ööseks sõidutama ja et... Ühesõnaga, et ma elan siin.
Aga miks? Miks ikkagi Pärnu ja mida ma teen siin?
Mõtlesin, et annan väikese algusloo ka, muidu on mõtetu lihtsalt õelda, et nüüd olengi siin ja kõik on hästi ja kuidas ma töökoha sain ja kus elan...
Teadsin Karinit-Sveni ikka päris pikka aega, aga uuesti kohtusime paar aastat tagasi Isa Süda konverentsil Türil. Ja Karinil tekkis mingi aeg idee, et võiks Kirss Pärnusse enda kogudusse kutsuda. Ja see idee kasvas ja siis pool aastat tagasi Märtsi alguses lõpuks teostus. Käisin siis enda lugu (toitumishäired, sõltuvus, vabanemine jms) siin rääkimas. Muidugi sai ühest tüdrukuteõhtust terve nädalavahetus full on tegevusi. Reedel juhtisin ülistust ja rääkisin enda tunnistuse Youth Reality-s, laupäeval oli väike ülistusseminar või siis pigem ülimõnus jutuajamine suure grupi inimestega, kes kõik armastavad Jumalat ja igatsevad ülistuse kohta rohkem teada saada; õhtul käisime veel Sindi spordipäeval (iganädalased üritused, mis on mõeldud 1-9.ndatele klassidele ja mida korraldab YR), ja hiljem oli siis tüdrukute osadusaeg. Olin ikka megaväsinud selleks ajaks juba ja kui pühapäeval peale kõike üles ärkasin, olin haige. Ikka nii haige, et krambid, palavik ja migreenihoog. Ja koju tagasi jõudsin esmaspäeval, kui mind autoga viidi, sest ise eriti end liigutada ei suutnud... :)
Anyway, olin kodus ja mõtlesin, et mis juhtus. Siinkohal ütlen, et mul ei olnud ju Eestis enda kogudust. Kohta, kus ma oleksin end tundnud kodus, kohta, kus ma oleksin saanud jagada ja anda. Kohta, kus oleksid minu inimesed. Kui ma Walesist 1,5 aastat tagasi Eestisse tulin, siis kolisin kohe tagasi Türile ja jäin sinna nn üksi. Ja minu üks suurimaid igatsusi oli leida endale koht, kus ma saaksin olla mina ise.
Ja järsku tuli selline vajadus tagasi Pärnusse kuidagi jõuda. Paar nädalat hiljem avastasin end taas SIIN. Pärnus. Ma ei teagi, kuidas see juhtus, aga ma teadsin, et olen kodus. Isegi, kui see imelik tundub siiamaani, et keegi võib sellise asja pärast linna vahetada ja elukoha leida, siis minul hakkas see mõte peas ringi jooksma. Olin alles Türi-Alliku lasteaias ka tööl ja teadsin, et enne Septembrit ei koli ma kohe kindlasti. Nii ma siis sõitsin 6 kuud edasi-tagasi. Aidates igal pool, kus võimalik. Muidugi seal on palju asju, millest ma ei saa ja ei taha siin suures plaanis rääkida. Ja ei see, et kõik on meeletult kerge ja lihtne. Nope. Tihti on tulnud peatäis pisaraid nutta ja siis edasi tegutseda, aga kui südames miski põleb, siis selle vastu ei saa.

Augusti alguses hakkasin siis elukohta ja töökohta otsima. Käisin kortereid vaatamas ja kaalusin erinevate inimeste juures elamist. Käisin ühes kohvikus proovipäeval ja teises vestlusel. Saatsin oma CV-d igale poole ja muudkui otsisin ja järjest nõutumaks muutusin. Ühel hetkel sain aru, et minu südames on nii suur vajadus enda kodu järgi kohe ja praegu, et ma olen nii paljud variandid kinni pannud...
30.08 oli minu viimane tööpäev Türi-Alliku lasteaias, 31.08 oli minu esimene tööpäev Pärnus ja 01.09 sain endale elukoha...
Nii, kui tegin otsuse, et kolin kõigepealt siia ja siis saan rahulikult edasi otsuseid teha, juhtus kõik nii kiiresti, et nüüd nädal hiljem ei ole ma veel korralikult hingatagi saanud... Kolisin siis Mai keskuse juurde. Kogudusse on 2 sammu astuda, meri on paarisaja meetri kaugusel ja kõik olulised poed samuti. Olen niiiiii õnnistatud ja tänulik selle koha eest, et ei oska midagi õelda. Korteri omanik töötab Soomes ja käib aegajalt Eestis, mul on selline armas tuba ja TEAN, et ühel päeval tuleb mulle täitsa minu oma kodu ka. Seni on kodu siin. :) Ja töökoht... Huh, sain esialgu kolmeks kuuks Jenny Kruse misjonipoodi tööle. Pm-lt toovad nad kaupa Rootsist ja tead mis, tule ise läbi sealt. Siis näed täpselt, mida ma teen. Olen kassas, jooksen ringi, korrastan riiuleid, sorteerin kaupa jne jne. 5 päeva nädalas, selline püsiv asi hetkel.
Nii, et miks kolis Kirss Pärnu?
Sest ma teadsin, et ma pean ise otsustama. Ma olen alati olnud inimene, kelle jaoks õigel ajal on õiged uksed lahti läinud. Ma olen alati teadnud täpselt, kuhu Jumal mind on juhtinud. AGA Jumal töötab erinevalt. Vahel ei juhtu kõik asjad KOHE ja praegu. Vahel peame me ise otsuse tegema ja siis Ta toob läbimurde. Ja praegu ma lihtsalt otsustasin, et siia ma tulen nomatterwhat. :)

Vaatan siin oma viienda korruse aknast välja ja tean, et Ta on ustav. Tean, et Ta hoolib ja tean, et ma olen hoitud ja kaitstud. Ja armastatud. Isegi, kui ma ei tunne ja ei koge seda iga sekund. Just täna sain kaks väga rasket ja mitte-nii-toredat e-maili ja mõtlesin, et mida nüüd. Ja siis järsku mõtlesin, et elus ongi erinevad asjad, vahel läheb ülesmäge, vahel allamäge ja et ma peaksin hoopis naeratama, sest naeratus on alati ülesmäge. ;)
Ja tead mis, tule külla mulle! Ma otsin praegu põhjust kooki küpsetada (OI, selle peale tuli mu aknast pannkoogilõhna, oi, peaks ise vist naabritele külla minema...)! ;)
Ja ma vajan praegu väga palveid. Sest see on meeletult suur otsus minu elus olnud ja mingis mõttes olen ma kohas, kus ma ei tea, mis edasi saab, aga samas, kas on inimest, kes teab täpselt, mis homme juhtub!!!
Kirsu

(Ps! Sry, kui ma ei ole korralikult sinu kirjale või telefonikõnele vastanud; nagu ma mainisin, ma ei ole veel hingatagi saanud, rääkimata siis muust!) ;)

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So Im finally here. In Pärnu. Actually living here. And working. After a long period of wanting to move here its done!!!! IM HERE!

But the story why and where and when is a bit longer ofc. Those who have been following my life and also my blog know that its been a progress and process for me. Pärnu came into my life about 6 months ago now, in the beginning of March if I remember right. There was this absolutely great pastor´s wife, Karin, who saw me leading worship some years ago in FH conference and she had also heard a bit of my story with eating disorder etc. So she decided she wants to invite me to Pärnu to their church. So I could share my story to the girls. Oh we tried to set it up for months and months and finally it succeeded. Oh boy, was that a weekend. So if there is one thing I learned from my first weekend was that nothing is done half-way (with Sven-Karin-Kenneth). My girl-talk was just 1 part of my visit. On Friday night (youth meeting) I led worship and shared a bit of my testimony, on Saturday morning I shared about worship to the worship-team, after that they took me to Sindi to a sports-day and in the evening I had the girls-group. And ofc I managed to wake up almost dead the next morning, sick with fever and cramps and migraine headache so I was taken home by car the next day coz I just couldnt do anything (couldnt even stay for the Sunday-meeting)...

(One thing you must understand: I had absolutely no contact with Pärnu before that. I had been here occasionally, just a summer-city for me. So even thinking about moving to Pärnu was out of the question.)

So I go back home and suddenly I find myself thinking about the church, the youth, the pastors and Im drawn back there. After moving home from Wales 1,5 years ago I had a hard time finding a church, a place I could call Home. A place where I could serve and be myself. So suddenly seeing all that in Pärnu was freaking weird and scary. It takes me a few weeks to finally visit Pärnu again and see all the people that I missed. And as time goes by, I find myself travelling back and forth every weekend, sometimes weekly as well. As soon as I had no work in kindergarten, I was in Pärnu again. Helping with Sindi Sports, with worship, just spending time with people I care about. Realizing that when Im in Türi, I miss all of that. 

A decision had to be made. A big one. After July was over with all the Americans visiting the church, the missions in Sindi etc etc, I was in a place where I knew I want to move to Pärnu. I knew it so deep in me that nothing could tell me its a wrong decision. Sometimes in my life when things get serious I run... But this time the knowledge of not running away when it gets hard, overwhelmed me stronger than fear.

So in the beginning of August I started to look for a place to live and a job. Went to see different apartments and was thinking of even moving into someone´s house, but non of it felt right. Just non of it made sense to me... Went to a few job interviews and test days and just couldnt find the right thing. I also realized that in my head I dreamed of a home where I can already put everything in a place and call it MY place. But with the salaries I was offered in different places I could have not afford my own place. So I looked through every option again and saw a light. With a help of a few good friends ocf.
Lets see; on Friday (30.08) I had my last day in Türi-Alliku kindergarten, on Saturday (31.08) had my first day in my new job and on Sunday (01.09) I got myself an apartment. And all that happened when I finally made the decision that I have to get myself here and then everything else comes... I havent even got the time to breathe in and out this last week. Everything happened so fast (and furious, haha).
I live near my church, near the sea and near all the biggest shops. Oh so good. SO very good and I actually feel its the best place for me right now. A good-sized room in a 3-room apartment (the lady works in Finland and occasionally comes home for the weekend) and a good view. I love how I came for the church and now church is just 2 steps from me... ;)
And the job. I was offered a job in Jenny Kruse mission-shop downtown (https://www.facebook.com/JennyKruseHeategevuspood). Its basically supporting Jenny Kruse ship and the stuff to the shop is brought in from Sweden. Kinda like a second-hand-charity shop. And its perfect for now coz I get to use a lot of my own creativity there and its a safe 5-day 8-hour job for me. It came to me and I accepted. What a better way to start my life here.
Yes, now and then I shed a tear, or more like a river of tears coz even now I have no idea what Im doing or where Im going, but something is happening and at least I havent stopped. ;)

Come and visit me. I will give you a huge hug and bake you a cake (maybe). Come and see yourself how I am doing because no blog-post will show you how I am really doing and what emotions I have right now. :) I am a little bit sorry with all the letters I havent replied to and some unanswered calls. I really havent had the time and well, why excuses. Its just been busy!
So yes, Kirsi is in Pärnu and today I rest! ;)

You love who you love... who you love.

Deeper

I can choose to be happy?
For some reason its hard for me to agree with that statement. I mean yes, in some ways I can choose happiness over sadness. But what if its a deep sadness? What if its something that is just so deep that being happy is out of the question? And its not that there is no happiness and good moments and laughter and joy but what if there is this sadness that doesnt leave with a finger-snap. Its not like one can snap her fingers and the sadness is gone.
And anyway I believe that I cant choose happiness, I believe that God can bring us a deep satisfaction in Him and He can lead us to happiness. But its not something I can choose. Coz when I choose it myself, it comes for 5 minutes and then someone says something and my own chosen happiness is gone immediately. Like a cupcake.

So. Maybe the statements like, "its gonna be a good day coz I choose it to be" or "I will choose to be happy" are not so true at all. They will bring us a momentary happiness, but what about the deep joy? What about the God-given joy. So maybe I can choose to believe in my Fathers love and knowledge that He will bring me through and through. And bring me back my happiness and joy.
Coz the inner joy and peace. That is what I grave for. Not for the momentary things. Not for the 5-minute chosen happy-face. Nope.

And I am sorry if I have said something that you find absolutely the other way around. Maybe you can choose to be happy and for that I am thankful. But for me it works differently. And my God is a mysterious God, Im pretty sure I will make it through and get my deep joy that Im longing and yearning for. Knowledge that I am loved and loved and loved. Knowledge that I am enough in Him. Knowledge that I am not too much. Deeper peace. Deeper joy.

Struggle

When Im struggling or going through something really heartbreaking I notice myself going in a mode where I cant communicate with anyone. I shut myself down and stop talking to my friends and family. I am not doing it on purpose but for some reason I do it. Letters and calls are unanswered and Im unhappy, not to even mention my friends who are confused.
Its a mode where Im trying to protect myself. Maybe some of you have experienced that. And its also a mode where I cant even think of anything else. And then I start to overthink and overanalyze and overeverything.
And I have been thinking of asking forgiveness for all the things Im not doing right now to keep all my friends pleased and happy but I cant.

I am not down in a way where I cant function.
Because Im still going to work.
I am looking for work and a place in Pärnu.
I am eating and kind of sleeping.
And I want to trust God in everything. In bad times, in good times. So many psalms say that even when everything is falling down we should still Praise Him.
But how, oh how? :) I mean how do I lift my soul up to Him when I push everyone away including God. Coz see, thats my point. While pushing everyone away Im also pushing my Father away. My way of self-protection. And what an awful way.

I have a Bible sitting next to me on a table right now. I have been reading a few psalms lately. David was a man who went through shit and still he knew where his strength comes from. Where his joy comes from. And peace. I am no David but Im also my Father´s beloved and I believe there is a bigger picture behind all our struggles. Behind my heartbreaks and hurts and jup, I freaking mess up myself all the time. But I am His Beloved. And so are You! His beloved one. The one whom He loves and want to hold and comfort (and heck Im also preaching to myself here so dont feel awkward)... I want to give so much, but I need to be filled first. Oh and no, I dont want to go anywhere in a past coz there I was "happy and joyful", haha, no, I want a new joy and new peace! No past will determine my future. My Father determines my future.

So nope, it was no peptalk. Its just something Im going through now. Finding myself again under some piles of dirt and mud. Jup.

Words pouring...

Why do we hurt each other when we should love and forgive and forget! I mean esp with the closest ones to us! With the ones who actually care!
I mean, do you know what Im saying here? Because thats how we all do it to some measure, to some degree. We say bad things to our loved ones, we do things we regret. And we hurt them. We dont even "mean" it. Thats how I apologize usually. "Im sorry, I didnt even mean it." After an outburst or something I apologize (and we should) but why is it like that? Why?
Because these are the people that are safe. These are the people we can be real with. The people that love us unconditionally.
I just wish that Id say less and act more. The way it should be. Act more love, say less shit.

Its been a bit troubling time for me right now. Way too much packing. I actually think it will never stop. Im near a breaking point probably or something like that... I am doing good, its just so many places, so many new faces and no feeling of home. Coz I sleep in a different bed each night and talk to a different person each day. But yes. There will be a day this year where I will move all my stuff into this One Apartment of mine and I know Im home. They say that home is where your heart is. My heart is with my family. With my friends. So I guess as for now it is as good as it can be.
Gonna be in Pärnu for a few days and on Thursday going to Saaremaa. My last wedding this summer. Save the last dance for me. Oh but I have danced and sang as much as possible. I have enjoyed life and friends and celebrated love. And I have been loved and cherished and loved and hugged. So I cant complain really. Because over all life is good. And Life is with God. In Him and with Him I can do it. Otherwise its all just one empty hole.

Mmm... And how about waiting? Waiting for the right thing. Waiting to give your heart for the right one. My God has said that heart is the wellspring of life and that we should guard our heart above all else... What if sometimes its so freaking hard coz all we want is to be loved. And to get that we decide wrong. Im just saying that we all make mistakes. My mistakes are no bigger and no smaller than yours. And my God is a good God. I just pray that He would guide me and my steps and also yours. That in His hands I can walk my everyday life otherwise there is just no point... We people grave love the most. Thats why we have people around us. We need each other. We need friendships and we need are not meant to be alone. Huh, and sometimes its just so freaking hard. Esp with this wedding-craziness Ive been dealing. I love seeing the look on the grooms face when the bride enters and heck, one day it will be my groom having that look. I pray for that day and for the right timing...

I think I havent written for so long that I just cant stop writing now... I have missed this OH I HAVE SMTH TO SAY feeling. And today I have. So much. I kind of went through some huge emotional wave yesterday and heck, Im this one moment up next moment down in the pit person and I dont like it one bit. I felt so unstable and so unsure. I let my emotions roll over me like a wave and I was just wrapped in a blanket of sorrow and sadness for a few hours. Until grace washed over me. And I knew that I am loved yet again. Because the thing is I am ALWAYS loved, I just dont "feel" it or see it... Uh. Its easier to let emotions control us than knowledge. But its not so easy to get out of there. To stand up and let Father whisper words of love. My mistakes are my mistakes yes, but love wins aigh? ;)

So Im gonna stop here. Coz I have other things to do as well today. But just let this day be a good day. So as I said, act more love, say less shit!

The season of changes.

2 weddings done. 2 to go. Im so excited for this Saturday coz the band that has come together for Kertu&Rasmus is just awesome! So many surprises and changes with the people but the 5 of us now, well, its just awesome! Im really happy and I felt on Monday as though a whole burden was taken off from my shoulders and so much peace came back that was stolen! And so I was in Tartu for 2 days and will go again tomorrow. Came home for 1,5 days just to relax and help out at my parents new place. In case you dont know yet, they got a job. And with that also a new place to live at so basically there will be plenty of changes in the coming 2 months. Plenty! Im gonna move into something good, not knowing exactly what Im suppose to do but it will be good! :) And thats enough for me right now. I might not know a whole lot of things but what I know is that I am doing my best in everything I do. Sometimes it could be more but its my best and its enough. 

And my Daddy does the rest.

;)

Sigh, sigh, sigh.

A few paragraphs from a medical magazine that describe the battle to act:

We hear it almost every day: sigh, sigh, sigh.
I just cant get myself motivated to... (lose weight, test my blood sugar, etc.). And we hear an equal number of sighs from diabetes educators who cant get their patients motivated to do the right things for their diabetes and health. 
We have news for you. Motivation is not going to strike you like lighting. And motivation is not something that someone else - nurse, doctor, family member - can bestow or force on you. The whole idea of motivation is a trap. Forget motivation. JUST DO IT. Exercise, lose weight, test your blood sugar, or whatever. Do it without motivation and then guess what. After you start doing the thing, that's when the motivation comes and makes it easy for you to keep on doing it.
Motivation is like love and happiness. Its a by-product. When you're actively engaged in doing something, it sneaks up and zaps you when you least expect it.
As Harvard psychologist Jerome Bruner says, "You're more likely to act yourself into feeling than feel yourself into action." So act! Whatever it is you know you should do, do it.

Thats like the best word Ive heard about motivation. Its a trap. WOW. You cant wait for motivation to get you going. I like that. Because I almost never feel motivated to do something, I mean I have my desires and hopes and stuff, but my body sometimes is so freaking NOT motivated.
Running for example. I have started to run just because I know I should and I want to. But I dont have this huge crazy motivation. Its just something I know its good for me. So I do it. And slowly but surely it has started to grow on me... So it does come. And then one just has to keep on going... And going. And not giving up.

R e l a x

After my last post. Well, lets just say its been crazy! A wedding in Holland (roadtrip through Latvia and Germany), twice in Pärnu, and Jaanipäev in Saaremaa. And that all happened within 2 weeks. Now this week has been a bit slow-down-Kirsika-week. Well, kind of. My mind is going crazy with 3 weddings I need to attend to in July. A lot of songs to prepare etc etc. But I can do it. Right? Kirsika, you can do it! ;) Breathe-in-breathe-out.
I wish I could tell you the best news in a long time. But I cant. Not quite yet. Its to do with my parents. But all in due time. Im just so excited for their future and I gotta say so should you be! ;) I am also excited for Maria-Ben who started their journey together. And Im super excited for Vaarika-Christopher who are getting their lives settled so well in Canada. Through hardships but with God! So now its me. Me, myself and I! I really need guidance and peace about my future coz otherwise Ill be homeless in 2 months. Haha, well, I know, I wont be but kind of... ;) No need to go deeper into that. Coz my Daddy loves His little girl so much! He loves her like crazy! My kind of crazy!
Oh boy. What to say what to do. I kind of would want to apologize for my lack of communication lately. But heck. I am me and we all make mistakes. And Im learning. And processing. And going through major changes in my life. In my heart. In my head. Figuring out so many steps.

But you know what. Life is good as someone likes to say to me a lot! ;) Life is not all butterflies and ice cream but pretty much. I gotta learn to let go and breathe. I have started to relax more. Meet friends. Enjoy the weather. I ran ab 3-4 km yesterday. I am doing things. I am living and loving.
And well. Ill be alone for 4 days starting tomorrow. Finally some time alone just to be. Cant remember that kind of time.
So my friend. Little or big. Male or female. Relax a little. I need to learn the same. So lets do it together alright? ;)

Its Tuesday and I still cant spell it right.

I always write Tueseday instead of Tuesday and now when I look at the word Im like even the correct version seems wrong. I dont even know why Im talking about that when I should be talking about something else...
I had a really good week in Pärnu. Just to say I went for a day and I ended up staying for 6 days. Haha, how flexible am I? I think I can say VERY! I mean I had my beach-stuff in my bag. No money, no clothes, no make up, no nothing. Except a few bits and pieces. And I stayed for 6 days? All I can say is that I have wonderful friends who like to take care of me! :) My family (its like this song that goes something like "Its a big big house with lots and lots of room, a big big table with lots and lots of food...)! Thats how I feel at Veedlas! And of course nothing tops coming back home and knowing my own mum has prepared food for me and I know I have a closet full of clothes! ;) And I definitely got some crazy tan!

I will pack my stuff today again. To go to Holland. I am so excited to travel by plain again. I love traveling in case you havent understood that already! Im gonna see my very precious Maria getting married to the love of her life and Im gonna see Holland for the first time. Amsterdam, better be ready! I mean its me who we are talking about! ;) Im so gonna have my red nails and red lips this time and Im gonna feel good about myself! Real good!

Oh I also want to share a bit of what Im doing in Pärnu. Its not like I go there to just sit around! Which I also do but not only! ;) So I go to a church there. I have a church now! WOW. A PRAYER ANSWER! A big answer. But not only. I am accepted there not because of what I do but because of who I am. And I am Kirsika so thats kind of a good thing right. ;) On Fridays there are youth meetings called Youth Reality. So I have been there quite a lot of times now in the last 3,5 months and also helped a bit. Sometimes with worship, sometimes Ive shared something... And on Saturdays Ive been to Sindi a few times now. To Sindi Sport 1-9, its a wonderful event for kids from Sindi who come together to play sports and also to communicate a bit. More sports less talk though! I have joined a few games but mostly Im there to just be with my presence, to walk around and to just communicate and be myself! Haha... Not that I could be anything else anyway! ;) And then ofc the Sundays where the church comes together as a family. To hear the word and to worship and to be in fellowship and among family! :) So thats my time in Pärnu! Plus tons of other stuff I do there, take sun f.e and enjoy the water! Yeah, I kind of write random things now but my head is swimming today with all the things I should do but instead Im here writing a blog! ;)

Alright! Hugs from me and be courageous this week! Try new things, go for a run f.e. if you never dared to coz you thought you cant! Well, you can! ;)

Its June already. Now where did May go? I have been really bad with writing lately and even now I struggle to find words. Not that I dont want to. Oh boy I do want to let you know about my life and doings but somehow this time its more personal. More inner. Probably more than ever... And you know what, maybe its a good thing. Maybe I am finding my place. In general.
I have spent most of my free time in Pärnu. I am not gonna go into details, but oh, how I love it there. The feeling of home I have is huge! Being surrounded with youth, with life. And water. Oh that blue deep blue water. And church. I finally have a church I want to belong to. A prayer answer. A desire that I have had for many years finally seems to find an answer. A beautiful answer. I am just walking in favor right now and the thing is that yes, there are days I dont even see any beauty and freedom but my heart tells me that I am in the right place doing the right thing. I already have a joke with a friend about how much I use the phrase: "I feel it in my heart!" but heck, I do. I do feel it in my heart! :) Its a beautiful thing you know.
Summer is gonna be interesting. I have a few things ahead of me. 3 weddings to attend to and some other events. So excited for Maria and Benjamin for their wedding in 1,5 weeks! Holland, here I come! ;) Or rather, here we come with the whole family plapla, but its gonna be good! A little roadtrip!
I am actually suppose to write my work-report right now but ofc I found an excuse to write a blogpost instead. Haha, and all that cleaning I have to do in my room, right?! ;) So much about that huh.
Anyway know that you are loved. I will never tire of saying that. YOU ARE LOVED! So very freaking much! And Ill try to write again soon... ;)