A question

Is it possible to miss someone to the point your heart is breaking?

So

I made some decisions about this year which Im not gonna write here. Because sometimes we have a way of writing and telling things too early and then when they dont happen we feel that we are a dissapointment. So not this time. I have learned my way with some other stuff in past. But know that some decisions have been made...

Ok, but about yesterday. I went to a youth meeting in Elusõna. And I must say it was awesome. We did worshipsongs with Pille-Riin and Samuel... sweeet. And later Mihkel was preaching, no I like the word sharing more. He was talking how we can find a way from the place we are now to the place we would like to be. I mean when we think now ooh I dont have this and Im too fat and I have no money and I am like this and that... and then we think thay ooh if I´d have more money and no stomach and I´d be with this kind of personality... And then he brought out an interesting fact that in Bible when God created the world he didnt ponder IF things will happen. He just said the word and it happened. Like: Light be. Light was. Man be. Man was... and so on. And so basically sometimes we speak over our lives the words of death. Just saying bad things out about situations that seem bad and we just talk and talk... But then if we´d start saying things like, NO, I do have money. And I am enough (coz Im Bible it says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made) and I am strong in Him and stuff like that then in one point these things would start to come alive. We may not believe it in the beginning (I know this) but saying things out is a way of things happening. Coz we have been made by the image of God. Which means God said and things happened. So we can also speak and things start to happen.

So thats how we can end up from HERE to THERE! :)

I mean

I mean how many tears can a woman contain?????

WOW

Arms Wide Open – Misty Edwards

“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been pondering
“What does love look like?”
“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been asking of You

I once believed that love was romance, just a chance
I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful
I once believed that love was a momentary bliss
But love is more than this
All You ever wanted was my attention
All You ever wanted was love from me
All You ever wanted was my affections, to sit here at Your feet

Then I sat down, a little frustrated and confused
If all of life comes down to love
Then love has to be more than sentiment
More than selfishness and selfish gain

And then I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me
I could not escape those beautiful eyes
And I began to weep and weep
He had arms wide open, a heart exposed
Arms wide open; He was bleeding, bleeding
Love’s definition, love’s definition was looking at me
Looking at Him, hanging on a tree
I began to weep and weep and weep and weep

This is how I know what love is, this is how I know what love is

And as I sat there weeping, crying
Those beautiful eyes, full of desire and love
He said to me, “You shall love Me, You shall love Me
You shall love Me, You shall love Me”

With arms wide open, a heart exposed
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding

If anybody’s looking for love in all the wrong places
If you’ve been searching for love, come to Me, come to Me
Take up your cross, deny yourself
Forget your father’s house and run, run with Me
You were made for abandonment, wholeheartedness
You were made for someone greater, someone bigger, so follow Me
And You’ll come alive when you learn to die

Ok, do not think that I am a rock and have no feelings whatsoever. The breakup has left a huge mark inside of me aswell. And all the laughing and being with friends does not fill that up. I know what does but somehow it is not so easy always. My God and God only can fill me up with Him. I want it and I need it. But I am not doing so good all the time. I have my days when Im only crying.
My Tartu-life has been a blessing but it is hard also. So if you were reading my blog about the time here... I mean its all good and amazing. But it is also a lot of tears and pain.

And I do need a hug when you see me. It is somehow comforting...

my heart aches for You, my God...

The T

Tartu

So I am gonna write a little about my time here... Otherwise you all read about my issues and problems, BUT its not all that :D haha

Anyway I arrived on the 5th, almost 2 weeks ago... (its the 17th today). I have had some awesome times with friends... Dinners, lunches, movie-watching (cinnamon and home-tv), wonderful conversations, cry-times, laugh-times...

Then I´ve been to some childrens-play-readings. Its been an interesting company, 2 girls and ab 10 men... haha :D Its been more then fun. And through these people I have been selling tickets 2 Sundays to their other play!
And I have had 3 work-days so far. If u have nothing to do, come visit me. The address is: VÕRU 5 and the second-hand store is called KOOBAS! :) I have had some boring and cold times there but also some fun moments! :)

UUUH and beibi, I have been working out. I have been to classes already. Tess organized some kind of work-out here some months ago and I have been to 2 now. I feel so much better. + all the walking that I do. I must be fit soon. :D

And stomachpain is slowly but kindly decided to leave me. I can still feel a bit and it´s not a good feeling but it is leaving... so.

Oooh and I even went to a concert with a friend from Saaremaa (she studies in Tartu) and before that she made me a henna for 2 weeks (oh btw its my hand on the picture, nothing else... hahah). Its cool... :)

So this is my Tartu life!

pain

I´ve got some crazy stomach-pain thing going on. I woke up y.day and all was good until 10.am and I just had to go back to bed coz the pain was unbearable. So I let a friend of mine to pray for me and I was able to fall back to sleep until 2ish... and then woke up with a slight pain which was not bad. But going back to sleep last night. :/ I think I finally fell asleep around 2-3 and Im up again, its 8.am... Its been storms in my stomach. Took painkillers already but...
I need a healing. I have had this since anorexia. Just random stomachpain showups... :S 1 in every 2-3 months. Not good at all. Its really painful...

Ok

I might have my own opinion and stuff, but I cant agree with some things. See, I dont think in order for a woman to look pretty she needs to expose herself. Well, let me explain this.
We see these "half-naked" photos everywhere. 13, 14 year old girls showing their pictures where they have almost nothing on except for a tiny tiny shirt that exposes her boobs and a tiny skirt that shows all her legs. I mean, WOW. How in a world have we end up here? Showing all of us to men? Why? Do we need to feel loved? Do we need it so desperately that we are willing to show the most secret part of us that is our body? Ok, see, I dont wanna go extreme. I mean, summer, fine, be on a beach with your tiny bit of swimmingclothes. But even then I dont think we should wear the tiniest things we can find from stores... Cmn, strings on a beach? A big no-no in my opinion.
I am just a bit disturbed right now. I dont want to see my friends (even the "not so young ones" hanging pictures on FB with their shirts wide open...). Dont do this. Why in the world do you want to even mess with this kinda thing? I have talked to guys about it and it is not healthy for them. Why do I need to tempt them???
And are we in a need of compliments so much that we need to somehow go to the extreme? AND do not tell me, that you put this picture up coz you "just liked it"...
Whuh, I let my frustration out. Im fine again.
thanks.

I found...

...my weirdness! Yes. I have my own unique thing that nobody else does.
So some years ago my mom discovered something from my face. Actually from one of the cheeks... There was one very very long white hair just doing nothing. And she pulled it out. And said that my granny had one at the very same spot as I did. So this is my weird thing. It grows back every time again and again. Call me a freak now, I dont mind. But since my granny is dead, it is my very own thing now. :) My freaky thing.
Which I btw just pulled out (like 3minutes ago)!
I bet its back in a week... HAHAHAHAHA

new job

So today I have my first day. It is called a JOB! :D Well, I got a little job at this second hand store that a friend of mine just opened 2 months ago, a place named KOOBAS! So I´ll be there 3 days a week... Wish me luck! :)

Another...

...amazing book!

Minu Tartu

Minu Gruusia, Minu Norra, Minu Inglismaa, Minu Horvaatia, Minu Ameerika, Minu Eesti (no need on mul läbi sellest seeriast). Seega... Mina mõtlesin, et ma võiks vabalt kirjutada raamatu Minu Tartu. Olin siin 3 aastat. Nüüd olen jälle tagasi... MINU TARTU. Kõlab hästi? :)

Do you ever...

So basically. Do you ever feel alone when you are together with a bunch of people? Ok, let me explain this. What I meant was that, you know, you are doing something with someone; for example walking outside with 3 very good friends but there is a hole in your heart? Like you are with them but actually alone?
Well, I have felt that for 2 weeks now. I am back in Tartu. I am with friends and yet... I am alone. I love my friends more then... well more then a lot of things. But Im like an outsider. Yet I am not and they all assure me this. And I know it is not true blabla. But somewhere in my heart there is a hole that is aching. And aching pretty bad... So I am with friends but yet I am alone.
And I know it has a lot to do with my lifechanges. I miss him. Yes. But it is not about that.
Not only. So please.
I am assuring you that I am not crazy or anything, I am just a bit lost. And I tend to find out God´s will for me.
Love

SO

Now all of you who didnt answer last time when I had the question who visits my blog, NOW you have the chance of answering me. I really would like to know coz I mean I write here a lot of stuff that is about my life and... maybe it will help me to understand something.
SO if u read my blog and did or didnt leave me a mark last time, then be your kind. :)

hugs love Kirsi

CRAP

CRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP.
And one more time: CRAPCRAP! :(

Sex God

Chapter 1: God Wears Lipstick

1945, from German concentration camp (Colonel Gonin):

It was shortly after the British Red Cross arrived, though it may have no connection, that a very large quantity of lipstick arrived. This was not at all what we wanted, we were screaming for hundreds and thousands of other things and I don´t know who asked for lipstick. I wish so much that I could discover who did it, it was the action of genius, sheer unadultered brilliance. I believe nothing did more for these internees than the lipstick. Women lay in bed with no sheets and no nightie but with scarlet red lips, you saw them wandering about with nothing but a blanket over their shoulders, but with scarlet red lips. I saw a woman dead on the postmortem table and clutched in her hand was a piece of lipstick. At last someone had done something to make them individuals again, they were someone, no loger merely the number tattooed on the arm. At last they could take an interest in their appearance. That lipstick started to give them back their humanity.

When a human being is mistreated, objectified, or neglected, when they are treated less than human, these actions are actions against God. Because how you treat the creation reflects how you feel about the Creator.

Dear friends...

...and also people that I dont know so good.
I am done with questions for now. Yes, I know I said in the last blog that is erased by now, that ask if you want to ask something, but Im done now. I have gotten about 15 letters in 2 days and I cant and dont want to talk about it anymore. If you love then please love me unconditionally. Just be there for me and know that I am in peace...
Thank you for understanding and If you want to know something, feel free to ask Timo also.

Kirsi

B

To be blessed is good, but to be a blessing is amazing!
Well, I realized something yesterday. I was blessed with some money and yes, I felt good and everything... BUT then in the evening I had a chance to give away a bag full of clothes and I felt amazing. So where´s the catch? You know, when you bless someone, it can just change your perspective from me-me-me to you-you-you. There are friends around you who are in need, people around you who have 1% of what you have. I mean, cmn, I have a closet full of clothes that I can share with others. Maybe I am not the richest person in the world, but I sure am more blessed then I can imagine...
Thank u God for remainding me this!

My story

So I’ve wanted to write down my story in English for a while now… But something has always stopped me. Not having enough time maybe or just forgetting. But I’m about to do it now. Just for some of you who have asked me since you don’t understand English. And I just want you guys to know me a bit better. And I am not ashamed to tell the world that my God healed me from something that seemed impossible to recover from. Yes.
So here I go with this!
I was always a bit chubby, but so what, many kids were. But something inside of me was different. I was always known by my voice, people appreciated the fact that I sang beautiful and that was all they saw; at least it seemed like that to me. Now when I look back I know it is not the truth. But the thing is that I wanted to be noticed not by my voice.
Girls want to be seen by their dads, by boys around them, by their friends and so on. I wanted to be accepted.
And in the near future I paid a price for that…
I was 16. I decided that in order to be liked by people I needed to do something. I wasn’t being picked at school or anything. There were just some things in my heart already from the past that were hurting. Plus I wanted to have a boyfriend. You know, everybody should have a boyfriend, right?
And I wanted to feel like I’m loved the same way my sister was. She was a very petite girl with many admirers. But the one thing I didn’t realise was this: having many boyfriends doesn’t give you the joy and peace in life, it actually just ruins you.
So there I was, 16, just turning 17 in a couple of months and starting to get this idea of how to lose a couple of kilos. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist. I have wanted things to be in order and I needed to gain a control over something. And that something decided to take over.
At first I wanted to lose 3-4 kilos. That doesn’t harm, does it? That was my thinking. I was 1,67 cm tall and my weight was about 68 kilos… I must say I didn’t like my body. I almost never wore any nice clothes, I was ashamed. I tried to hide behind baggy shirts, loose pants. That was me. People didn’t know the real inside story of mine. They saw my shining smile, my always "I am happy" face.
And so I started. I decided that the best way to lose a bit is to start eating 2 times a day. No snacks, no drinks between. So there it was: breakfast and lunch. It was ok at the beginning since I had my first meal in school and second one at home. Oh the joy of losing the first kilos. I couldn’t believe that the first time ever I started to like myself.
But when it gets a hold of you it also knows how to start rolling like a snowball. And eventually it is like a big snowball.
So it took me 6 months. With 6 months I had lost 24 kilos out of 68. You can do the counting. I had reached a point where there was no turning back. No period anymore, no joy, just bare skin and bones…
I still ate something. It wasn’t that I just lived without any food. I loved food. Don’t get me wrong, I had problems, yes, but I loved eating. It was a hate and love relationship. I tried to deal with this somehow.
My parents were panicking. I had gained a control that harmed my family and friends. I don’t know how to even explain that. I was the “drama-queen” at home. People lived under my emotional terror. I said and did things that I don’t want to remember. My dad tried to talk me out of this so many times. Since our family and relatives have never dealt with eating disorders then how could they even help? I went to the local doctors, school doctors. I lied. I didn’t know I lied but I did. I really with all my heart believed that everything is ok. And I really with all my heart knew that nothing was ok. I was torn between the thoughts in my head and heart. It went on for 2 years. I was 18, graduating my school. And I was nothing but bones and skin. I hated looking into the mirror, I was afraid to go out with people. I was afraid they will force me to eat. I had a few friends left who tried to help but I didn’t listen!
So there I was, 18 years old and 44 kilos.
At least I received some help during these 2 years. I had God. Ok I know, you might ask, but how could it even happen to you? How? You are and were a Christian? Well I tell you this, being a Christian doesn’t mean that bad things don’t happen to you. I am as human as any other person!
God was next to my pain and sadness all through these 2,5 years of anorexia. I know it now. I didn’t then… Somewhere in the middle, when my period stopped, I started to get anxious. I mean in the beginning people noticed me, made compliments, because 10 kilos to lose is ok. In the end people whispered when I passed by. And I can’t blame them. I felt sick to my stomach because I knew I had made a huge mistake. I knew I was going to lose my life like that. I knew I had a chance of not having any babies ever. But what could I do? I was like an animal that had been shot at and now was bleeding to death and didn’t know how to survive.
It was 2006, just the time my exam-period almost started. I went to the toilet and it had happened before but never that much. Blood, a lot of blood.
On a same day my mom took me to a local women doctor and first time someone told me into my face that hey you have a problem. You need help and I cannot help you. So she convinced me to go to Tartu. I was ok with that because it seemed like I might stay there for 2-3 days. But the thing is that nobody told me about 3 weeks.
I was supposed to go on a summer holiday, but one place was open suddenly. I know it was a miracle that I got in so much earlier. So in March 2006 I was in a hospital for 3 weeks instead of 3 days that I thought.
In my own little head I was thinking this: “Hey who needs 3 weeks; I can do it on my own. I just need to eat a little bit more!” But see, the thing is this, I only ate maybe 500 calories a day eventually and a little bit more in my mind was maybe an apple.
So I was scared on a first day. I knew nothing about the treatment. I knew nothing about right eating anymore. Morning arrived, I woke up; breakfast time; huge pile of porridge, 2 sandwiches, an apple, a bagel, hot chocolate. I was almost dying. I was scared like I said. But this was nothing as I learnt later. In 2,5 hours we had to eat a chocolate or something. In 2 hours we had lunch: potatoes, sauce, meat, milk, 2 breads, and something for dessert. In 2 hours we had yogurt. In 2 hours we had dinner: some soup… and so on! 5 times a day we were given food. I was eating like a grown-up man who does sports every day! Can you understand my agony now? I was literally in pain every evening, because my stomach couldn’t bear all this food. It was a lot. Yes, I got used to it on a 3rd week, but until then… Eating disorder is no joke. It is a sickness that wants to destroy your body. It is no way that one can come out of it without paying the price.
We had to talk to psychologists over these 3 weeks, meet doctors and had lots of tests and lots of food. It is a time that I never want back. I got free food as a treatment.
I was afraid. I was afraid that I’m going to gain all the weight back and more. I was afraid that I am going to be fat. All these things needed to be talked through. Oh and we talked there.
I met with many girls that had awful problems; problems that I don’t know if they ever got rid of. (There was a girl in my room whose parents had started teasing her while she was kid (that she was fat and so on), and when she was 14 she had both anorexia and bulimia, not a single normal word came out of her mouth anymore and the way she looked at you, there was no emotions left).
I know I am free now. But sometimes I still pay the price.
After 3 weeks I went home. I knew already then that my hospital time wasn’t for my bad. It was for me to learn how to eat again. And it dealt with problems, deeper problems. You know, eating disorders isn’t the problem, the real issues are deeper. It is just the result of the problem. So I mean it’s the same with cutting, or alcoholism and drug addicts. These things are the result of some other problems. So believe me when I say this, dealing with the real issues might be the hardest things ever…
It took me 1 whole year to gain the needed 15 kilos with the same eating I started at the hospital. And it took me 1,5 years to get my period back.
Yes, there are days when I don’t like the way I look. I stand in front of a mirror and think bad thoughts. There are days when I hate compliments. I don’t know how to receive them. But I eat. I eat like I didn’t in these 2,5 years. I love food like I said in the beginning of this story. And I have never stopped loving. 59 kilos is so much better than 44. I know so you better believe me!
I can still be a control freak. I have noticed that whenever I have some harder times in my heart, in my life, I lose appetite. And then I start losing weight as well. It is hard for me. I am not saying that I am still practising eating disorder habits but I am a woman. Women in this world face all kinds of challenges. Starting with magazines and ending with Facebook. You see, the thing is that this world dictates us how we should look and what we should eat. But God says to me and you: All beautiful you are, my darling; there is NO flaw in you! And He means it. It is not just a saying. Oh cmn, if God didn’t want me to know I’m pretty He would not have put this scripture in the Bible. Right?
I love saying to my girls how lovely they are. How beautiful they are, because they are. I love saying to young woman that they don’t need to look love from wrong places and find help from some bad addictions. Eating disorder is an addiction, sad, isn’t it?I know that this writing isn’t perfect. In many places it is all over the place, but I don’t care. I care that maybe someone is reading this and finds some help, some comfort. You know, there is a way out. I am a good example of that.
And to finish, I mean, I wouldn’t be here without God. So many people go to search help from weird and wrong places. Don’t do that. Ask Him to show you the way out. He will. He is a loving father.
I love u, my friend. Thanks for reading, thanks for not judging me for what I’ve done.