I am angry. I am angry at devil who is trying (I am not saying that always successfully) to destroy people. I am not going into every aspect of his trying. But I am talking about women now.
I had a conversation with someone dear to me today. And heard some news about a few women whose lives are falling apart. And not because they have no money or their families are in trouble. Nothing like that. But because of their self-image. Because of their ideas of a "perfect body" which is screwing up their minds and hearts. I am so angry right now I cant even express myself. I heard about a father who is telling her daughter that she has a fat ass. That daughter has anorexia. That daugther has bulimia. And that daughter is almost giving up. She doesnt eat anymore. She doesnt see any solutions. She has been to hospitals. And she has no hope. NOW. I ask you, what kind of a father says these things to his daughter? WHAT KIND? I tell you. A father whose mind is consumed with images of "perfect women". A father who thinks that this "little joke" doesnt harm anyone. But I tell you. As a daugther of a good father I could have never ever bared my dad to say anything like this to me. I am so happy that my family supported me through my eating disorders. And I know my family has God. They had hope and they never gave up on me.
But still. We live in a world filled and packed with images of a so called "perfect body". But I tell you what is perfect. GOD IS PERFECT and He has created each and every one of us perfect in Him. Only in Him and through HIM we are someone special. So NO one has the right to tell a 16 year girl that she has a fat ass.
I was in a hospital in 2006 together with a girl whose parents had totally messed up her young beautiful mind. She was only 14 and she had been struggling with her self-image since she was 8 years old. Now. HEY, ARE YOU LISTENING. She was 8 years old! 8. I couldnt believe her story. Her dad was constantly on her back that she needs to loose weight plaplapla.
Ok, I also know that this world, that we have thousands of people who are overweight and are struggling. BUT BULIMIA and ANOREXIA (and over-eating) ARE NOT SOLUTIONS. This stuff is a result of something deeper. God is a solution. I wouldnt be here today if I wouldnt have gone to HIM and HIM only with my problems. I am still fighting every day with ideas and mind-games but He is right beside me.
So, what hope has a girl in this world when she doesnt know God, when her family is on her back, when her so-called friends tell her that she is fat, when magazines tell her that size 34 is beautiful? WHAT HOPE? We are the hope. God has opened my eyes. I mean, seriously. I have never given up on my dream to help women who are struggling. We have a chance to change things. Because we know the truth.
Men, do not think that flat stomach and skinny legs makes a woman sexy! Sexy has to start inside. If your inside is broken, there is NOTHING sexy about that.
My dear readers, please think about this. If you see someone who is struggling with their self-image, please show them God. Show them the way He sees them. Show them there is another way. There is a way to heal. And over-weight has a solution. And its not starving yourself. It is fixable with proper eating and healthy life-style. I know. Ive been there and done all of that. And Im not a shame of that.
And please please please do not encourage young women, young girls to loose weight unless their weight is totally unhealthy! Baby-fat will go away when these young girls turn into women. I wish I had known that when I was 14, 15. I cannot turn back time. I cannot change the past. But I can change the future by helping others to know the truth.
And your heavenly Father NEVER looks down on YOU! He has made YOU perfect! Sometimes instead of a long and hard solution we try the easy solutions. Life with God is not always easy but it is good. And it has an eternal value. And easy solutions wont last. Starving myself almost made me loose my ability to ever have babies. Starving myself almost killed me. On weight 43 I had nothing on me anymore. Skin and bones.
I have tears in my eyes. Seriously. Beautiful women. Beautiful YOUNG ladies. Please. I beg you. Instead of running away from your inner problems, run to God. Run to your friends who you trust and who wont bring you down. Instead of controlling everyone and everything around you, let God be in control. And find help. And learn how to recieve that help.
I mean, I still have bad thoughts. Almost every day. Like yesterday. I know, I was treated with this gorgeous cherry-cheesecake which was delicious. And I got into battle in my head straight away. It just went on and on and on. "Oh now you ate that and you cant have a lot today", "Oh, that was a calorie-bomb", "You are gonna gain now" and so on and so on. But the truth is, I know that non of it is true. God is truth and the truth will set YOU free!
I could go on forever right now. Because my heart hurts to hear these stories. My heart aches so bad. I know, we live in a world where so much is messed up. And maybe you say, there are much more horrible things. YES there are, I agree with you. But everything starts from somewhere, right? And nothing happens just out of a blue. I know that I havent been through this for nothing. I have a chance to change someone´s life. And it is beautiful. So this is your task now. Think about your heart. Think about what is important. And scream it out. Live your life to the fullest. And enjoy life. Enjoy a piece of cherry-cheesecake. Or whatever cake. But dont take life for granted. Coz He gave it to you. And He LOVES YOU. No matter how messed up you are He takes you back.
So. Stop. Think. Help. Come out of this box! This world is in a box and it has stupid rules. Rules of how we should look like and how not. But you live according to God´s love and you will see changes.
Please, write to me, if something is not understandable. I am really sorry if it touched your weak point, but I wrote about how I feel. I wrote my heart out here.
Love, Kirsi
Showing posts with label anoreksia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anoreksia. Show all posts
17.9.11
21.2.11
Daddy
I have walked a memory-path today. Gone through some old notes, notebooks, pictures... And Ive realized one thing through that. I have an awesome Daddy. He has lead me through so much stuff. I have shared some of it with you. Anorexia was the biggest and loudest scream I had to go through and He just held me while being there. And loved me so big. SO BIG. And all I can do is be thankful... I love my Daddy so much. My heavenly PAPA who has done so much for me. He has been gentle in my process not forcing anything but just holding and keeping me in His lap. Not letting go. Not at all... I have had rocks and mountains and ups and downs. And He has just been there. I have started to hear His voice more clearly now then I have tried to be tuned to Him. And Ive realized I dont have to do much to be loved. Actually nothing at all. Coz you know, HE IS LOVE so He cannot not love me. Did u read what I just said? He dont know how to not love us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is amazing in His unconditional love. May it fill you as it has started to fill me.
I am leaving in 3 weeks. My life is going through a great change now. Im going for 6 months, as for now. And Im going through a process now in my heart so I know it will be a challenging and yet wonderful time there. Im going to a family. A family that I have already learned to love. And I believe it is gonna be MY resting place. Where I can give and recieve.
In the last 1,5 months there have been crazy storms in my heart. Ups and downs. Big time. A lot of crying and a lot of laughing. Dancing and laying. Being and doing. AND I have realized that my voice is just a bit of me. It is not at all my whole point of excistence though I have thought it is. I CAN JUST BE AND REST IN HIM, coz I am a child, and a princess. Oh yes.
I am leaving in 3 weeks. My life is going through a great change now. Im going for 6 months, as for now. And Im going through a process now in my heart so I know it will be a challenging and yet wonderful time there. Im going to a family. A family that I have already learned to love. And I believe it is gonna be MY resting place. Where I can give and recieve.
In the last 1,5 months there have been crazy storms in my heart. Ups and downs. Big time. A lot of crying and a lot of laughing. Dancing and laying. Being and doing. AND I have realized that my voice is just a bit of me. It is not at all my whole point of excistence though I have thought it is. I CAN JUST BE AND REST IN HIM, coz I am a child, and a princess. Oh yes.
AND I have danced like never before. And I have done things I never thought possible. So I am just surprised beyond... :D haha. Anyway.
And again. Im not gonna end this blogging. Never, because I can preach my heart out here.
And again. Im not gonna end this blogging. Never, because I can preach my heart out here.
AND tell you again and again HOW precious and wonderful you are.
AND How much HE LOVES YOU. Dont you get it? Then let me say it again.
YOU ARE LOVED BY YOUR DADDY. And He so much wants you to accept this knowledge. :)
HUGS, K
4.12.10
My story
So I’ve wanted to write down my story in English for a while now… But something has always stopped me. Not having enough time maybe or just forgetting. But I’m about to do it now. Just for some of you who have asked me since you don’t understand English. And I just want you guys to know me a bit better. And I am not ashamed to tell the world that my God healed me from something that seemed impossible to recover from. Yes.
So here I go with this!
I was always a bit chubby, but so what, many kids were. But something inside of me was different. I was always known by my voice, people appreciated the fact that I sang beautiful and that was all they saw; at least it seemed like that to me. Now when I look back I know it is not the truth. But the thing is that I wanted to be noticed not by my voice.
Girls want to be seen by their dads, by boys around them, by their friends and so on. I wanted to be accepted.
And in the near future I paid a price for that…
I was 16. I decided that in order to be liked by people I needed to do something. I wasn’t being picked at school or anything. There were just some things in my heart already from the past that were hurting. Plus I wanted to have a boyfriend. You know, everybody should have a boyfriend, right?
And I wanted to feel like I’m loved the same way my sister was. She was a very petite girl with many admirers. But the one thing I didn’t realise was this: having many boyfriends doesn’t give you the joy and peace in life, it actually just ruins you.
So there I was, 16, just turning 17 in a couple of months and starting to get this idea of how to lose a couple of kilos. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist. I have wanted things to be in order and I needed to gain a control over something. And that something decided to take over.
At first I wanted to lose 3-4 kilos. That doesn’t harm, does it? That was my thinking. I was 1,67 cm tall and my weight was about 68 kilos… I must say I didn’t like my body. I almost never wore any nice clothes, I was ashamed. I tried to hide behind baggy shirts, loose pants. That was me. People didn’t know the real inside story of mine. They saw my shining smile, my always "I am happy" face.
And so I started. I decided that the best way to lose a bit is to start eating 2 times a day. No snacks, no drinks between. So there it was: breakfast and lunch. It was ok at the beginning since I had my first meal in school and second one at home. Oh the joy of losing the first kilos. I couldn’t believe that the first time ever I started to like myself.
But when it gets a hold of you it also knows how to start rolling like a snowball. And eventually it is like a big snowball.
So it took me 6 months. With 6 months I had lost 24 kilos out of 68. You can do the counting. I had reached a point where there was no turning back. No period anymore, no joy, just bare skin and bones…
I still ate something. It wasn’t that I just lived without any food. I loved food. Don’t get me wrong, I had problems, yes, but I loved eating. It was a hate and love relationship. I tried to deal with this somehow.
My parents were panicking. I had gained a control that harmed my family and friends. I don’t know how to even explain that. I was the “drama-queen” at home. People lived under my emotional terror. I said and did things that I don’t want to remember. My dad tried to talk me out of this so many times. Since our family and relatives have never dealt with eating disorders then how could they even help? I went to the local doctors, school doctors. I lied. I didn’t know I lied but I did. I really with all my heart believed that everything is ok. And I really with all my heart knew that nothing was ok. I was torn between the thoughts in my head and heart. It went on for 2 years. I was 18, graduating my school. And I was nothing but bones and skin. I hated looking into the mirror, I was afraid to go out with people. I was afraid they will force me to eat. I had a few friends left who tried to help but I didn’t listen!
So there I was, 18 years old and 44 kilos.
At least I received some help during these 2 years. I had God. Ok I know, you might ask, but how could it even happen to you? How? You are and were a Christian? Well I tell you this, being a Christian doesn’t mean that bad things don’t happen to you. I am as human as any other person!
God was next to my pain and sadness all through these 2,5 years of anorexia. I know it now. I didn’t then… Somewhere in the middle, when my period stopped, I started to get anxious. I mean in the beginning people noticed me, made compliments, because 10 kilos to lose is ok. In the end people whispered when I passed by. And I can’t blame them. I felt sick to my stomach because I knew I had made a huge mistake. I knew I was going to lose my life like that. I knew I had a chance of not having any babies ever. But what could I do? I was like an animal that had been shot at and now was bleeding to death and didn’t know how to survive.
It was 2006, just the time my exam-period almost started. I went to the toilet and it had happened before but never that much. Blood, a lot of blood.
On a same day my mom took me to a local women doctor and first time someone told me into my face that hey you have a problem. You need help and I cannot help you. So she convinced me to go to Tartu. I was ok with that because it seemed like I might stay there for 2-3 days. But the thing is that nobody told me about 3 weeks.
I was supposed to go on a summer holiday, but one place was open suddenly. I know it was a miracle that I got in so much earlier. So in March 2006 I was in a hospital for 3 weeks instead of 3 days that I thought.
In my own little head I was thinking this: “Hey who needs 3 weeks; I can do it on my own. I just need to eat a little bit more!” But see, the thing is this, I only ate maybe 500 calories a day eventually and a little bit more in my mind was maybe an apple.
So I was scared on a first day. I knew nothing about the treatment. I knew nothing about right eating anymore. Morning arrived, I woke up; breakfast time; huge pile of porridge, 2 sandwiches, an apple, a bagel, hot chocolate. I was almost dying. I was scared like I said. But this was nothing as I learnt later. In 2,5 hours we had to eat a chocolate or something. In 2 hours we had lunch: potatoes, sauce, meat, milk, 2 breads, and something for dessert. In 2 hours we had yogurt. In 2 hours we had dinner: some soup… and so on! 5 times a day we were given food. I was eating like a grown-up man who does sports every day! Can you understand my agony now? I was literally in pain every evening, because my stomach couldn’t bear all this food. It was a lot. Yes, I got used to it on a 3rd week, but until then… Eating disorder is no joke. It is a sickness that wants to destroy your body. It is no way that one can come out of it without paying the price.
We had to talk to psychologists over these 3 weeks, meet doctors and had lots of tests and lots of food. It is a time that I never want back. I got free food as a treatment.
I was afraid. I was afraid that I’m going to gain all the weight back and more. I was afraid that I am going to be fat. All these things needed to be talked through. Oh and we talked there.
I met with many girls that had awful problems; problems that I don’t know if they ever got rid of. (There was a girl in my room whose parents had started teasing her while she was kid (that she was fat and so on), and when she was 14 she had both anorexia and bulimia, not a single normal word came out of her mouth anymore and the way she looked at you, there was no emotions left).
I know I am free now. But sometimes I still pay the price.
After 3 weeks I went home. I knew already then that my hospital time wasn’t for my bad. It was for me to learn how to eat again. And it dealt with problems, deeper problems. You know, eating disorders isn’t the problem, the real issues are deeper. It is just the result of the problem. So I mean it’s the same with cutting, or alcoholism and drug addicts. These things are the result of some other problems. So believe me when I say this, dealing with the real issues might be the hardest things ever…
It took me 1 whole year to gain the needed 15 kilos with the same eating I started at the hospital. And it took me 1,5 years to get my period back.
Yes, there are days when I don’t like the way I look. I stand in front of a mirror and think bad thoughts. There are days when I hate compliments. I don’t know how to receive them. But I eat. I eat like I didn’t in these 2,5 years. I love food like I said in the beginning of this story. And I have never stopped loving. 59 kilos is so much better than 44. I know so you better believe me!
I can still be a control freak. I have noticed that whenever I have some harder times in my heart, in my life, I lose appetite. And then I start losing weight as well. It is hard for me. I am not saying that I am still practising eating disorder habits but I am a woman. Women in this world face all kinds of challenges. Starting with magazines and ending with Facebook. You see, the thing is that this world dictates us how we should look and what we should eat. But God says to me and you: All beautiful you are, my darling; there is NO flaw in you! And He means it. It is not just a saying. Oh cmn, if God didn’t want me to know I’m pretty He would not have put this scripture in the Bible. Right?
I love saying to my girls how lovely they are. How beautiful they are, because they are. I love saying to young woman that they don’t need to look love from wrong places and find help from some bad addictions. Eating disorder is an addiction, sad, isn’t it?I know that this writing isn’t perfect. In many places it is all over the place, but I don’t care. I care that maybe someone is reading this and finds some help, some comfort. You know, there is a way out. I am a good example of that.
And to finish, I mean, I wouldn’t be here without God. So many people go to search help from weird and wrong places. Don’t do that. Ask Him to show you the way out. He will. He is a loving father.
I love u, my friend. Thanks for reading, thanks for not judging me for what I’ve done.
So here I go with this!
I was always a bit chubby, but so what, many kids were. But something inside of me was different. I was always known by my voice, people appreciated the fact that I sang beautiful and that was all they saw; at least it seemed like that to me. Now when I look back I know it is not the truth. But the thing is that I wanted to be noticed not by my voice.
Girls want to be seen by their dads, by boys around them, by their friends and so on. I wanted to be accepted.
And in the near future I paid a price for that…
I was 16. I decided that in order to be liked by people I needed to do something. I wasn’t being picked at school or anything. There were just some things in my heart already from the past that were hurting. Plus I wanted to have a boyfriend. You know, everybody should have a boyfriend, right?
And I wanted to feel like I’m loved the same way my sister was. She was a very petite girl with many admirers. But the one thing I didn’t realise was this: having many boyfriends doesn’t give you the joy and peace in life, it actually just ruins you.
So there I was, 16, just turning 17 in a couple of months and starting to get this idea of how to lose a couple of kilos. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist. I have wanted things to be in order and I needed to gain a control over something. And that something decided to take over.
At first I wanted to lose 3-4 kilos. That doesn’t harm, does it? That was my thinking. I was 1,67 cm tall and my weight was about 68 kilos… I must say I didn’t like my body. I almost never wore any nice clothes, I was ashamed. I tried to hide behind baggy shirts, loose pants. That was me. People didn’t know the real inside story of mine. They saw my shining smile, my always "I am happy" face.
And so I started. I decided that the best way to lose a bit is to start eating 2 times a day. No snacks, no drinks between. So there it was: breakfast and lunch. It was ok at the beginning since I had my first meal in school and second one at home. Oh the joy of losing the first kilos. I couldn’t believe that the first time ever I started to like myself.
But when it gets a hold of you it also knows how to start rolling like a snowball. And eventually it is like a big snowball.
So it took me 6 months. With 6 months I had lost 24 kilos out of 68. You can do the counting. I had reached a point where there was no turning back. No period anymore, no joy, just bare skin and bones…
I still ate something. It wasn’t that I just lived without any food. I loved food. Don’t get me wrong, I had problems, yes, but I loved eating. It was a hate and love relationship. I tried to deal with this somehow.
My parents were panicking. I had gained a control that harmed my family and friends. I don’t know how to even explain that. I was the “drama-queen” at home. People lived under my emotional terror. I said and did things that I don’t want to remember. My dad tried to talk me out of this so many times. Since our family and relatives have never dealt with eating disorders then how could they even help? I went to the local doctors, school doctors. I lied. I didn’t know I lied but I did. I really with all my heart believed that everything is ok. And I really with all my heart knew that nothing was ok. I was torn between the thoughts in my head and heart. It went on for 2 years. I was 18, graduating my school. And I was nothing but bones and skin. I hated looking into the mirror, I was afraid to go out with people. I was afraid they will force me to eat. I had a few friends left who tried to help but I didn’t listen!
So there I was, 18 years old and 44 kilos.
At least I received some help during these 2 years. I had God. Ok I know, you might ask, but how could it even happen to you? How? You are and were a Christian? Well I tell you this, being a Christian doesn’t mean that bad things don’t happen to you. I am as human as any other person!
God was next to my pain and sadness all through these 2,5 years of anorexia. I know it now. I didn’t then… Somewhere in the middle, when my period stopped, I started to get anxious. I mean in the beginning people noticed me, made compliments, because 10 kilos to lose is ok. In the end people whispered when I passed by. And I can’t blame them. I felt sick to my stomach because I knew I had made a huge mistake. I knew I was going to lose my life like that. I knew I had a chance of not having any babies ever. But what could I do? I was like an animal that had been shot at and now was bleeding to death and didn’t know how to survive.
It was 2006, just the time my exam-period almost started. I went to the toilet and it had happened before but never that much. Blood, a lot of blood.
On a same day my mom took me to a local women doctor and first time someone told me into my face that hey you have a problem. You need help and I cannot help you. So she convinced me to go to Tartu. I was ok with that because it seemed like I might stay there for 2-3 days. But the thing is that nobody told me about 3 weeks.
I was supposed to go on a summer holiday, but one place was open suddenly. I know it was a miracle that I got in so much earlier. So in March 2006 I was in a hospital for 3 weeks instead of 3 days that I thought.
In my own little head I was thinking this: “Hey who needs 3 weeks; I can do it on my own. I just need to eat a little bit more!” But see, the thing is this, I only ate maybe 500 calories a day eventually and a little bit more in my mind was maybe an apple.
So I was scared on a first day. I knew nothing about the treatment. I knew nothing about right eating anymore. Morning arrived, I woke up; breakfast time; huge pile of porridge, 2 sandwiches, an apple, a bagel, hot chocolate. I was almost dying. I was scared like I said. But this was nothing as I learnt later. In 2,5 hours we had to eat a chocolate or something. In 2 hours we had lunch: potatoes, sauce, meat, milk, 2 breads, and something for dessert. In 2 hours we had yogurt. In 2 hours we had dinner: some soup… and so on! 5 times a day we were given food. I was eating like a grown-up man who does sports every day! Can you understand my agony now? I was literally in pain every evening, because my stomach couldn’t bear all this food. It was a lot. Yes, I got used to it on a 3rd week, but until then… Eating disorder is no joke. It is a sickness that wants to destroy your body. It is no way that one can come out of it without paying the price.
We had to talk to psychologists over these 3 weeks, meet doctors and had lots of tests and lots of food. It is a time that I never want back. I got free food as a treatment.
I was afraid. I was afraid that I’m going to gain all the weight back and more. I was afraid that I am going to be fat. All these things needed to be talked through. Oh and we talked there.
I met with many girls that had awful problems; problems that I don’t know if they ever got rid of. (There was a girl in my room whose parents had started teasing her while she was kid (that she was fat and so on), and when she was 14 she had both anorexia and bulimia, not a single normal word came out of her mouth anymore and the way she looked at you, there was no emotions left).
I know I am free now. But sometimes I still pay the price.
After 3 weeks I went home. I knew already then that my hospital time wasn’t for my bad. It was for me to learn how to eat again. And it dealt with problems, deeper problems. You know, eating disorders isn’t the problem, the real issues are deeper. It is just the result of the problem. So I mean it’s the same with cutting, or alcoholism and drug addicts. These things are the result of some other problems. So believe me when I say this, dealing with the real issues might be the hardest things ever…
It took me 1 whole year to gain the needed 15 kilos with the same eating I started at the hospital. And it took me 1,5 years to get my period back.
Yes, there are days when I don’t like the way I look. I stand in front of a mirror and think bad thoughts. There are days when I hate compliments. I don’t know how to receive them. But I eat. I eat like I didn’t in these 2,5 years. I love food like I said in the beginning of this story. And I have never stopped loving. 59 kilos is so much better than 44. I know so you better believe me!
I can still be a control freak. I have noticed that whenever I have some harder times in my heart, in my life, I lose appetite. And then I start losing weight as well. It is hard for me. I am not saying that I am still practising eating disorder habits but I am a woman. Women in this world face all kinds of challenges. Starting with magazines and ending with Facebook. You see, the thing is that this world dictates us how we should look and what we should eat. But God says to me and you: All beautiful you are, my darling; there is NO flaw in you! And He means it. It is not just a saying. Oh cmn, if God didn’t want me to know I’m pretty He would not have put this scripture in the Bible. Right?
I love saying to my girls how lovely they are. How beautiful they are, because they are. I love saying to young woman that they don’t need to look love from wrong places and find help from some bad addictions. Eating disorder is an addiction, sad, isn’t it?I know that this writing isn’t perfect. In many places it is all over the place, but I don’t care. I care that maybe someone is reading this and finds some help, some comfort. You know, there is a way out. I am a good example of that.
And to finish, I mean, I wouldn’t be here without God. So many people go to search help from weird and wrong places. Don’t do that. Ask Him to show you the way out. He will. He is a loving father.
I love u, my friend. Thanks for reading, thanks for not judging me for what I’ve done.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)