The story of my family!

The story of my family.
Well, I am Kirsika, I guess you know that, otherwise how the heck did you make it to my webpage? Google-search? Ok, forgiven! :)
Anyway I have had this in my heart for 2 days now, to write down a little story about my family. Who we are and why we are who we are! I will try to start from the beginning, coz it is a pretty cool and wonderful story. So bear with me! Ok? :)
So here I am, 23 years old, soon to be 24 and soon to live in Wales, but before that there has been one crazy path that we have walked as a family: me, my mum, dad, Vaarika and Ester. Ooh not to forget Mr.Morrisson.
My dad and mum met in Järvamaa, they were young. Very young. I dont know anything about love but I know that they were in love! As so I am told. So I was born while dad was 17 and mum was 18 years old. Young, huh? Now tell me about this. In autumn 1987 they got married when I was 3 months old already and so there we were: me, mum and dad. They were kids with a kid. I know that is not how people should start a family, but my family started that way. A little bit nuts I must say to marry so young, with a kid and no place to live. So they moved in with my grandparents (the parents of my dad) in Järvamaa, Oisu. To live in one house with one´s parents is not a good idea. I mean, you just got married, and you need some privacy. Right?
Mum and dad had no idea about parenting whatsoever. They were just 2 young people who wanted to party and have fun. They wanted to be young. So they partied. A lot. Dad was drunk. Mum wasnt really a mum. They fighted. Ok, now you ask me, how can I say all of this out so loud. Just because I can, just because I know there is a way out.
I´ll continue... So my mom and dad and my grandparents. A big mess if I may say. Oh, I forgot something. Yes, my sister Vaarika was born in 1988 September. So now there were me, mum, dad and my sister. A little family as to say. 4 years we lived with my grandparents. Hard times, basically my granny raised me and Vaarika. She was the mum for us in these years and I was ok with that because I loved her dearly. And thanks to her somehow already in my early years I learned to pray.
Ooh did I mention that at one point another family moved in. And occationally there were 4 families. See, my dad had a brother and a sister. And they had big families. So sometimes we were there with so many people that it went nuts. The house had 2 floors but it was still very small for such a big group of people.
In 4 years or so we decided to move. Ok, my parents decided because they wanted to find a way to manage on their own. Dad was still drinking a lot and had some accidents and stuff and mum had some accidents... But we moved to Saaremaa, the biggest island in Estonia. Just because my mum was originally from there. She was born there and had a house to go to. My other grandparents lived near Oisu already and the house was empty. If you think that things got better then think again. Things got worse.
We had no money, no food, no furniture, no nothing. It was hard, very hard for my dad especially, so he moved back to his parents. They broke up with my mum. Well, that wasnt good for a young mother with 2 small kids.
Did I tell you that my parents had been involved with Christianity and church for a while before we moved to Saaremaa. But they were not accepted the way they were and they gave up. I would have done the same. I mean what young person wants to hear how bad they are doing and they HAVE change and so on and so on. But give a young person love and you´ll see results.
So my mom somehow met these Christians in Orissaare. These weird people who cared for her. Very much. And invited her to the church. My mum accepted them as they accepted her. And I have tears in my eyes as I write this. Coz this is what Christianity is all about. Daddy loves you just the way you are. And so we started praying. Me, my mom and Vaarika. We were small, yes, but we believed. We believed with our tiny hearts. We prayed every evening before going to bed for 3 months. We prayed and prayed. For daddy to come back. We didnt give up. We just couldnt.
Dad came back.
But dad had problems. His drinking-buddies-friends didnt want him to come back. So they followed him to Saaremaa. I remember something very vaguely about this. But all went good in the end. And at one point dad gave his heart to God. That was something. That changed our lives. My family was a young Christian family now.
So the church. Yes, they started to go to church. But we still had no money, no food, almost nothing. But God is wonderful and He ALWAYS, I say always, provided for us. In wintertime, in springtime. I remember living in church one winter, just because it was too cold to be at home. I remember pastors taking care of us like no other. I remember the love we recieved. I remember having my first best friend. I remember having the feeling that Daddy loves us. That Mummy loves us. And I remember the bad stuff that was still there but not so strong anymore.
Well, it wasnt perfect. My mum had to work in a cowbarn in order to earn money. And dad as well. Dad did a lot of work for the church aswell, fixed cars and may I say that HE WAS AWESOME in doing that. He loved fixing cars. And he drove people in church, the pastors, the leaders, thats the place he learned to be obidient. I cant remember everything. But I know he liked it. Remember, this is my side of the story, Im sure they would tell it differently! ;)
Some days we had only bread and warm cowmilk to eat and drink, but as children we didnt care. We had the whole world to discover in the area we lived. There were crazy amount of fields to play in, barns to discover, games to make up. Hide-and-seek.
As we started to go to school, God provided. I mean how little my parents earned and how well we were taken care of.
In school me and Vaarika, well, how to say, we werent accepted straight away. At some point we were teased and chased after. But its ok now. It wasnt ok then. But good also happened in school. I still remember the 2 love-letters I recieved from 2 different boys. Its a shame I dont have them now. It was sweet and heartwarming for a 4th grader! ;)
We were almost the only ones who couldnt afford food in school. But so what, my mum made the best bread and strawberry-jam ever. So we had plenty. :) And we did good in school with Vaarika. We were not bad at all. I loved my little Tagavere Elementary School with 4 classes. I loved it. There was even a little room to play in. ;) And for a little girl, all she needs is a Barbie and she is happy!
Something happend when I was in my 1st grade. My mum got pregnant. That was wonderful news for me and V. I mean we were about to get a little sister or brother to play with. I loved the news. That summer I wasnt in Saaremaa. I was in Oisu with my grandparents when my mum called and said she had the baby. It was a girl, a little Linda. The name of my great-grandmother. A beautiful name right? We were so happy.
We went back to Saaremaa, to our home. My dad and mum loved the little Linda. So did I and Vaarika. She was a beautiful little girl. 6 months later she died. I am still not sure what happened. She went to His heavenly DADDY. And oooh how happy she is now with Him. I know it. It was her funerals, that my grandmom got saved. How glorious. Years later in my grandmom´s funeral, my granddad changed. He had 2 options, to drink himself to death or to give his life to Daddy. So he chose the good choise! (He even graduated Bible School and I was so proud of him). So it was like a chane of turnings. How beautiful.
Yes. Our little Linda, one day we will meet in heaven. I love you!
There is so much I could tell you about the life in Saaremaa. It was wonderful and hard, beautiful and ugly. But mostly it was a time of learning and growth. So much happened that I am not ready to talk about but Daddy is good in all times!
So years passed. I was 10 when God called my parents. Big time. He told them He is gonna change their lives 100% and He did. It all started with a drama called Heavens Gates and Hells Flames. I guess many of you have seen it or even been a part of it. My first role was to be a Sunday-school kid who was driving back home from church with her parents and sister. And in a car there was a conversationg about church, food and a kid they had lost in a car-accident. But you see, my parents had lost a kid as well. It changed something inside of them. It brought healing and restauration.
So they were asked to be a part of the drama in a different way. A couple from Paide, the heart of Estonia, was called to be the leaders in Estonia in Reality Ministry and they invited my parents to co-lead with them. So they said Yes and that YES was for 12 years. Wow, what a journey it was. What a journey. Many many countries, thousands of people, hundreds getting saved (probably thousands). Doing the same drama that changed their lives, all over Europe, was crazy. And as for me as a young girl it was hard in many ways. See, I had to live again with my grandparents. It wasnt bad but it brought a lot of insecurities. We were fed so good that I gained way too much in such a short time. But that story I have written down in another blog...
My parents were away very much, at least 6 months every year. Crazy huh? 2 first years we lived with granny and grandpa, and then my parents decided to have an apartment of their own. It was the best decision ever. I got my own room for the first time. Sweet. :) oh well, the desires of a woman...
For Vaarika their being away affected in many other ways, but it is her story that Im not gonna write down here. She was very different from me. She had her own insecurities and hard times. We were night and day but we still loved each other.
For us it meant also a lot of travelling. I still remember the first time we had a road-trip to Poland. We packed 10 people in a 9-seated van and off we went. It was such a great time driving through so many countries... Good memories.
But see, my parents had still a lot of pain and hurts and unhealed things inside. And I had started to collect stuff as well. I cant say about Vaarika, let her tell her own story! So when the time passed things sometimes got bad. A lot of arguments at home, a lot of insecurities...
When I was 17, I went into anorexia. And my mom had another baby. Ester. Wow, that was sweet coz we had just taken a dog coz we really believed there will be no babies in this house, never again. But she came. Which was crazy, coz then again it changed everything. My mom couldnt travel so much anymore. I mean she had a little baby. Beautiful Ester (Im still wondering now, 6 years later, how the heck she got brown eyes and perfect hair and she is an angel)... Anyways. Mum had hard times with her. She is very hyper-active and senisitive (Im talking about Ester) and it wasnt easy for anyone.
After gratuation high school and coming out from anorexia (which was a miracle on itself) I decided to go to Bible School in Denmark. And so my 9 months there was a life change, since I had always been the girl who never does anything on her own. You can read my blog from that time... Its all written down. It was hard and good, tears and laughter.
I came back in 2007 summer and was clueless what to do next. My parents were now more focused on Baltic countries and so they were a lot in Latvia and Lithuania with the same drama. Drama that talked about heaven and hell but nothing about Fathers unconditonal love.
So I went to a music school, the dream of my life. THE BIG DREAM that somehow came true. :) And in that summer for the first time ever I fell in love. Me, Kirsika fell in love with a latvian boy. Oh it was a beautiful summer-romance. Lasted a little but was too pretty to ruin it with too much sadness about the break-up.
3 years in Eller.
Did I tell you I am a worshiper. My family has always loved music. My dad played drums already as a little boy. He even had his band. Yes, I tell you, he was a heart-breaker. I guess thats why my mum fell in love with him. And did I TELL you my mum sings beautiful? She has such a powerful voice. I guess I just inherited something that my family owns. :)
Anyway, somehow it was hard. I had been in a Christian bubble alllll my life. Never tried smoking, never had alcohol, never had slept with a boy. Never went to any party, never said a bad word. I was the good little Christian girl. With all the insecurities. And all the inner struggles. Thats why it was so easy for me to have anorexia.
So there I was, among all these musicians. But God gave me wonderful friend from this school and also from church. So in all together. Wow. wonderful 3 year. With many many many tears and hard times but with many beautiful memories. My parents supported me 100% so I never had to go to work (once I tried but after 3 months couldnt do it, coz I had a bad hot tea-burnt on my leg). I tell you, my parents are good parents.
God started to work inside of mum and dad some 2 years ago. Things started to change big time again. Being in Finland with people who talked about Fathers love... It was something new. All these wounds started to go open. And all this pain that was there suddenly started to come out.
They had been for years and years under pressure. I am not going to mention names. Whenever they did something wrong, there were people to point their fingure on them. I am not telling about everyone. But a few that mattered to mum and dad. And they had lived under this pressure and not even realizing that it shouldnt be that way.
So suddenly there were people who told them that Daddy can take away the pain.
Btw my sister moved after high school. To Canada. She found a job and friends, her place. Times were not always good to her, but Daddy is faithful. She is about to get married in October, this year 2011 and I cant be more excited about this as I am now. She deserves everything he can offer her and she is happy. And as long as she is happy I am happy with her.
In 2010, February me, mum and dad, we went to our first A-school in Finland. The things Im gonna tell you now, happened for real. I am not lying. I have never before and never after cried so much as in my first A-school. So much things from inside suddenly came up. So did my parents. And I tell you they are not the same parents now as they were 1,5 years ago. Me and my dad, I just sat in his lap and we cried and cried. I was his little princess again. See, my dad never knew how to be a dad, coz he never had a good dad. His dad was an alcoholic (not anymore when we moved there) and never played with him. Never showed love or anything like that. Never. So my dad didnt know how to love me and Vaarika. So he didnt play with us. He didnt tell us how precious we are. And its ok, coz I have forgiven and I love my dad. And you know, NOW he randomly calls me and says he LOVES ME. Do you get it. God only can do this. NOONE else has the power to change people but God.
And so there we were, all 3 of us, realizing we know nothing yet. After that we did 2 more schools last year. And again so much happened. I could write a book only about the 3 schools.
Meanwhile I got engaged. Last year, 2010, 20. July. To a good man. And 2010, December we decided to cancel the engagement. See, I have realized one thing. I cant do anything without peace anymore. NEVER. And I wont. I want to do what is good in Gods eyes and I cant marry if there is no peace. So if you still question and wonder about that decision, then know that I loved Timo. He is wonderful and amazing man of God. But we were not ready to marry. Not yet. One day. And not to each other...
Last year in autumn, my parents were told that they dont have a job anymore. Some things were done behind their backs and Im still dealing with this. I have an issue BUT I know Daddy knows everything and I know how much He loves my parents. And so after that He has been providing. And will keep providing.
I love my parents more then I can say. They are wonderful. Beautiful. Talented. And the love they have for people is crazy. Sometimes there are so many kids, young ppl at our home to whom my mum just cooks pancakes. They can sleep here. It can be their resting-place. They have opened their house for people and the love is here.
Did I tell you about Maria? She is wonderful. And she is my sister. She lived here with us for 2-3 years, who can remember... but yes, my parents just let her live here.
Are you starting to get it now? The story of my family is a miracle. Just to start with that fact that I am alive... My mum could have so easily cancel the preagnancy but she didnt. And to go on with the fact that they even stayed together. And not to mention the fact that they learned to love each other with the love and eyes of God...
And if you still dont get it, then come and visit. We live in Türi-Alliku 3-18. You are more then welcome to come. More then welcome.
Oooh and I wont be here. Coz I have an open door ahead of me. I will go to Wales, Bala, in 2 weeks. I will live there, I will love there and work there, I will let my Daddy hold me there and I will hold others. I will worship there and I know that this is where I am suppose to be.
So this is the story. The crazy story of my family.
I love you all. And I know how much my Daddy loves you. And if you want to know what Im talking about then ask me, ok? :)
Kirsi

Yesterday

Nono, Im not gonna sing that song.
But something beautiful happened y-day that I want to remember.
Ive been home alone for 5 days now and Im kinda loosing my mind. But then I took a walk outside (ok I actually took 5 walks, but...) and I was walking near forest and suddenly saw 5 dears running away from me. It was beeeeautiful and I shouted in joy. It filled my heart with happiness! :)
Anyway, sometimes its the little things that matter, not big at all. The little things that happen to make us happy. The little things we can do to make others happy. :)

SENDING MY love to you today! :)
K

My favourite II

Its 8.12.am and Ive been up an hour. Took my dog outside and now Im here with a big cup of green tea and loving it. Btw I realized there is one very strange thing about my dog that I actually like. Everytime after eating his food he comes to the door and burps really loud as if to let me know he liked the food, then blinks his eyes and leaves. :)

Anyway here I am thinking about the things I like. Im just gonna go now...
I LIKE...
*putting pictures in frames,
*singing while Vivia is playing piano,
*having my room clean all the time,
*collecting stuff (yes stuff),
*putting on make-up coz it makes me feel pretty,
*walking in springtime coz then you can collect all kinda flowers and put them in your room later on,
*writing my blog coz I know that people are reading it all over the world and it shows who I really am, with all my emotions and feelings...
*my parents, they are wonderful,
*talking to my girls, just hanging, crying if needed in their arms, watching movies,
*Ugly Betty,
*when ppl take pictures of me coz I want to learn to love myself,
*my cherry-red lip-gloss/protector (if anyone knows where to get new one, tell me too),
*green tea,
*tulips, especially yellow tulips,
*dark chocolate and peppermint ice-cream,
*to be me,
*to travel (let me count: Finland, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Germany, Italy, United Kingdom, Faeroe Island, Aland, Holland = 13),
*to discover new things in me, like the fact that I can do silly dancing actually,
*bags, as a 14-15 year old I was a bag-freak, had tons of bags and belts...

I like that I like and love! :)

My favourite

I feel like writing down some of my favourite stuff.
Just in case so I would remember in 10 years!!!! :)

***

My favourite...

Colour - purple & turquioise

Love - God

Book - SEX GOD

Animal - Mr.Morrisson (despite the fact that he snores and is annoying) ;)

Moment this year - while I was in Bala, I realized I want to go back there

Movie - "Lars and the Real girl"

Quote - "Women are mysteries to be enjoyed, not problems to be solved!"

Hug - my heavenly Daddy´s hug

Sister - Vaarika and Ester ;)

Event - the one to come, Vaarika+Chris MacDonald

Shoes - my new ones

Clothing - jeans and some long shirt + sweater

Time - the winter has past and the springTIME has come!

Place - in my Father´s arms

House - Fathers House Bala

Parents - my parents
Food - healthy

Activity - rip-cut-glue, all kinda craftwork (making cards etc)

Music - something I could dance to. Yes, I dance now. :D on my own!

Worship - soaking in His presence

Dream - I cant tell. shh. its a secret!

Im a surprised and shocked at the same time.
So as a Christian I do love people and I will forgive when mistakes have been made. But I have a question in my heart and I dont know what to do with that.
People around me are getting pregnant and having babies. Which is good and wonderful and children are a blessing... etc. BUT if these women are Christians and not married???..!!
I know I am not gonna point my finger to anyone here, I dont feel like doing that.
But what about marriage first and then babies and all that other stuff??? I really dont know how to deal with these thoughts anymore so Im letting them out here. Yes, I do understand that these things happen, but I know so many Christians who just live together with their boyfriends, have sex and get kids.
But somehow in my heart there is and will be the knowledge that Im gonna wait with all of that until I get married. Until I wear THE dress and until I know that I know that I know that now it is blessed in Gods eyes and I can have sex and babies. I think this is the order how it should be. And yes, maybe I will make mistakes. And maybe and maybe and maybe but I believe we should and CAN wait.
You can critizise me for saying that out loud but I am raised that way and I believe this should be the right order. AND Im sorry if I offended someone. And I do love all these wonderful women who have babies and are not married but I want to believe that there are women in this world who are willing to wait for the right timing.

K

Uus päev

Täna on sombune õues. Ja kell on alles 8:21... Olen juba kaks tundi üleval olnud. Ma tõusen viimasel ajal hiiglama vara ülesse ja hakkan tegutsema. Mmh, mis täna teha. On alles teisipäev ja mul on veel 1,5 nädalat üksi kodus olla. Tule mulle külla ok? :)

:)

Everything you do affects people around you.
I recieved a letter from someone that I dont know. He had read one of my posts about my Heavenly Father, my Daddy and said that it was so good what I wrote. That he is a dad himself and has never thought about God as a Daddy... It affected him. And for that reason only I could continue writing my blog. :) I know that many many, more then 20-30 people come here daily and even though I dont know most of these ppl, it afffects them. In some way or another. Why else would you come here and read this what Im writing right now? ;)
So whatever you do and if that doing is good, know that it may change someone´s life. Seriously.

Keep doing art, keep singing, keep drawing, keep dancing, keep blogging, keep being a monther, keep being a father, keep being a sister and a brother. Keep smiling and hugging. Keep parenting children that are not your own. Keep running, keep doing sports. Keep doing the things that you do coz they have a meaning. Daddy has given them a meaning. And if you hate what you´re doing I think its a time to change the activities! :)

my heart aches.
I see all my friends getting married and engaged this year. and my heart aches. it still aches after 2 months.
Daddy wont you please take me in Your arms and never let me go. ok?

"Ma ei tea kedagi, kes teaks kedagi, kellele ei meeldiks vähemalt korra päevas multikaid vaadata."
See oli parim reklaam, mis ma näinud olen. :)

sometimes

Sometimes I just want to delete all the negative posts that I have written here but then a thought came to me today... I mean all this negativity is also a part of my life. I mean there are days when everything just seems sad, bad, depressive... and it is also a part of me. I cant delete that part of my life. I can definitely change the mood and decide to go on without these feelings but I cant delete that moments-feeling. So here I am, not deleting.

Today. Uuuh beibi, I just took a shower after 2,5 days. Wow. Goooood to be home but kinda lonely here. I need to rest a bit. Make some good food and just be.

byebye

...

Everybody wants to be wanted. Lets just accept it the way it is.

A question

Should I keep on blogging? Has it been helpful to someone? I know ppl who are reading this... And I said in my last post that Im gonna blog nomatterwhat, BUT I want to write if ppl really are receiving something... :) So SHOULD I KEEP ON BLOGGING about my life and adventures and struggles....? :)

Daddy

I have walked a memory-path today. Gone through some old notes, notebooks, pictures... And Ive realized one thing through that. I have an awesome Daddy. He has lead me through so much stuff. I have shared some of it with you. Anorexia was the biggest and loudest scream I had to go through and He just held me while being there. And loved me so big. SO BIG. And all I can do is be thankful... I love my Daddy so much. My heavenly PAPA who has done so much for me. He has been gentle in my process not forcing anything but just holding and keeping me in His lap. Not letting go. Not at all... I have had rocks and mountains and ups and downs. And He has just been there. I have started to hear His voice more clearly now then I have tried to be tuned to Him. And Ive realized I dont have to do much to be loved. Actually nothing at all. Coz you know, HE IS LOVE so He cannot not love me. Did u read what I just said? He dont know how to not love us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is amazing in His unconditional love. May it fill you as it has started to fill me.

I am leaving in 3 weeks. My life is going through a great change now. Im going for 6 months, as for now. And Im going through a process now in my heart so I know it will be a challenging and yet wonderful time there. Im going to a family. A family that I have already learned to love. And I believe it is gonna be MY resting place. Where I can give and recieve.

In the last 1,5 months there have been crazy storms in my heart. Ups and downs. Big time. A lot of crying and a lot of laughing. Dancing and laying. Being and doing. AND I have realized that my voice is just a bit of me. It is not at all my whole point of excistence though I have thought it is. I CAN JUST BE AND REST IN HIM, coz I am a child, and a princess. Oh yes.

AND I have danced like never before. And I have done things I never thought possible. So I am just surprised beyond... :D haha. Anyway.

And again. Im not gonna end this blogging. Never, because I can preach my heart out here.

AND tell you again and again HOW precious and wonderful you are.

AND How much HE LOVES YOU. Dont you get it? Then let me say it again.

YOU ARE LOVED BY YOUR DADDY. And He so much wants you to accept this knowledge. :)

HUGS, K

Conclusion.

This was probably the most crazy and best trip I´ve ever had on my own. I have had a great amount of trips with my parents or friends but on my own just a few. And I believe this was just a start. Start for my coming years. It felt amazing to do in on my own (well, together with Daddy of course but you know what I mean). And Im seriously amazed what happened during these 10 days. I was accepted, loved, taken care of, LOVED and did I say I was loved?

From the day 1 I felt it was a family. A family who wanted me to be there and a family who loved me unconditionally. I know that non but God can love like that BUT they were pretty close. And I made a decision. I decided to go back there for 6 months. From April til October. This is one heck of a crazy idea BUT I believe that my Dad will take care of me and He is gonna lead me in every step as long as I let HIM.

So now Im on a ship back to Estonia. Yesterday we took a plane to Helsinki with 2 finnish people and I spent the night at Katja and Jani´s place. Haha, oh well, they have 2 crazy cats who tried to own my suitcase and left a huge amount of fur on top of it but what can one do? :) And now in 2,5 hours Im back. Back to my own country where my mum waits for me with potatosalad and some other good stuff. I JUST LOVE HER. You know there was one thing I DISLIKED with a big D in Wales. And it was most of the food (except sweets). It was eather microwaved or not seasoned at all. I added salt 4 times in every meal I had... SO MUM I LOVE YOUUUU :D

And they promised me that when I go back its the time when all sheep have babies... wow SO Im gonna go back to hundreds of baby-sheep wondering around... How sweet is that??? :)

And we had some amazing teaching there. Wow, the team is so wonderful and FULL of Daddy´s love for people. They just love ppl out of their stuff. Of course with the strenght of Papa, but yeah. :) And I cant wait to go back to spring, you know SNOWDROPS were everywhere already and +10 and... just amazzzzing. :) And the way they dance there, CANT WAIT. It is good exercise coz nobody cares how silly you might look. Ppl just dance their fears and failures away. We had many dance-parties... :D Even Vicky and Robert shaked their bodies like no other... :D

Anyway Im gonna end now. And I just say one: DADDY LOVES YOU AND HE HAS THE BEST FOR YOU. And I love you and if u wanna know more about The Heart of Father, ask me! ;)

Hugs, K

WOW

Its my 6th day in Wales (Im not counting W-day when I arrived and went straight to bed) so basically Ive got 3 days left and Im gonna enjoy it coz the next time I come will be in a month, on the 2nd of April or smth... :) Hihi this year Im gonna celebrate my 24th birthday in here then. Oh well, its still gonna be amazing. :)
I love everyone here, they are wonderful and Im so looking forward coming back even though now Im looking forward coming home. Somehow I need this 1 month before coming for sure coz then I can still be with my loved ones and say proper goodbyes and maybe have a big party or smth (for goodbye and early birthday maybe?) ;)

Its been good times here. And Ive been crying a bit. From all the stuff thats stirring up inside. Its crazy I had no idea I still have some fears about so weird things. Not gonna tell them here. BUT we all have a luggage with us that we dont want to let go. And Daddy only can take it from us and replace it with HIS love and mercy and PEACE! So Im on a journey just like everyone else. Just like you and your family and friends... AND this journey is far better then a journey where there is no love from Daddy... ;) Even though a lot of tears can be shed, also a lot of healing will come so...

Ive done a huge ton of baking again. Bread and I just finished muffins. Chocolate ones and vanilla ones... YUM.
Alrighty Im gonna end. BUT know that you are loved. VERY LOVED by your DADDY, by your papa. AND you are a princess. Or a prince! Know it. ok? :)
Hugs, K

Day III

So yesterday...

Woke up around 6.30 or smth and was in the kitchen eating breakfast ab 8. Then started preparing for the guests to have their breakfast. I was serving and Rosie was doing the breakfast. Which is great, I dont mind, I love it that way. :)

Then baked a loaf of bread, baked a cake, baked another cake... :D
Took an 35 minutes walk back from city (went with a car with Rosie but walked back) and LOVED IT. It was beautiful, +10 C, no rain, sun shining, a bit windy. :) Lovely weather I must say! So came back around 4 pm and then had some free time until dinner which was lovely, chiken and vegetables and Snickers ice cream... YUM. And it was the first time I didnt have to add salt...

(Its 6.31 am now). So today we´re gonna do breakfast for about 13 people, crazy amount I have to say. Im not sure how this is going to work out but I can do it. I am enjoying serving others. I also love baking.

And I am planning on coming back in April for 6 months, I think I will. I think it is good for my soul, a little work and then rest in a family, good discussions over the table and praying. And the atmosphere is wonderful. I hope my friends in Est wont forget me coz I really do miss you all and Im especially thinking of you today, tomorrow, coz its FRIEND´S DAY. I wish I could send you all something but I cant since I have no cash and most places requaire paying with cash. BUT I love you and miss you,

Yours, Kirsi :)

All the baking

So 3 breads and 2 cakes in 3 days is nooot bad. :)

...

...and they continue.
Im used to wake up early, so I went out from room to the corridor and then turned the light on. Then tried to get back and the door was locked, HAHA, seriously? And I ran around the house trying to find the code, but nowhere and then went back, and pushed soooo hard that my roomie woke up again and then here I am now, sitting in a toilet and thinking that 3 is a law right? So no more? :D

Day II

This is my 2nd day in Bala. Wow. I had no idea Im already gonna help, but its been wonderful. Ive loved it even though Ive been tired. Coz I couldt fall a sleep after the morning alarm that went on coz of me. :D haha. Big Haha. So anyway, I was in the kitchen at 7.30 with Rosie (Rosie and Paul are the 2nd owners of Bala or smth like that, Im not so sure) and we started preparing breakfast for people who arrived around 8.am, so I had a good time there. After that we cleaned some of the rooms, changed the sheats and...

ok, Im gonna interrupt. I found my 2nd weirdness (I wrote ab my 1st one some time ago). I love to sit on the floor, on the ground, on the carpet, rather then use chairs.
Im gonna continue...
...and baked a bread, and so on... basic cleaning jobs. :) And I didnt mess anything up which is great since I had already done some mess around the building, haha. :) Im a good girl, RIGHT? :D
So its around 5.38, we are gonna have dinner soon and then have a movie-night, YAY!
And I discovered that I absolutely dislike the food here. HOW in the world am I gonna survive 6 months if I decide to come? :D haha, But then again I love the bakings. Yummmmy...
They put no salt in food that should be salty and no seasonings whatsoever. So I have to get used to it or just have a bottle of salt with me everywhere I go...

Im planning on going to city tomorrow, and visit some shops for suveniers maybe to my family and good friends. and then back to here. I think Im gonna move on Sunday to another apartment which is ok I guess. :)
ooh and Ive learned a whole lot of new words here... these weird Wales people. :D
HUGS, and ps! I love u and miss u, ok? :)
Kirsi.

and another ps! if u wanna send me smth for the friends day then just ask my address, haha.. :D

A messer

Yesterday while trying to find an electric outlet to plug my computer´s charger in to I accidentally managed to do something so half of the power went away or smth like that.
Today while sleeping I managed to pull the strings next to my bed so that the alarm went on for the handycapped. wow. I am a messer :D I hope they still love me...

A lil update

This is me y-day morning before going. :)

Just a lil update.

So yesterday morning we started driving around 10... My uncle took me and dad to the ship. We took the longest ship which was like 3,5 hours and then around 5 we were in Helsinki. A realllly good and sweet friend of my family picked us up, took us to his home and there we ate kebab with french-fries. YUMYUM. Around 8ish they took me to the airport and left me there. And so I went on a plane which was kinda tiny, I could even choose my own seat where-ever I wanted to sit and the flight was about 3,5 hours or smth. Funfun. Vicky and Robert picked me up from the airport and there were 2 other women with me on a backseat. So in Estonian time we arrived around 2.30 AM but around local time around 12.30 am. AND straight to bed it was. And in a morning I woke up around 10 in estonian time, so 8 local time. And had breakfast late and then slept for 2 more hour and now came from a small chapel with the family. We are about 8 people here now but coming more tomorrow and on a weekend coz next week there is a Father´s Heart Teaching Week. But I guess Im gonna have some duties here as well. Just to blend in. :D hihi. Today is more of a freee day with no obligations. Just getting myself comfortable...

Its warm outside, well, no sun, but warm. AND NO SNOW. Hallelujah. I needed that. Got way too tired of snow. :)

Hugs and I will write soon...

Morning

Its 7.15 am and Im getting ready to wake up. Ok Im up, but you know... girls, women. :D And Im tired, but alright. Im going to Finland today. Okok, this is not the goal. But from Finland I will fly to Bala, Wales! YAY! :D So wish me a good trip there and I will let you know tomorrow how it went. Hugs and love,
K

:)

Thats how I packed for my going tomorrow... Wales, I come to you with chocolate and etno-socks. U better love me back! ;)

Tomorrow. Wales. Father´s House Bala! :)

Coz

sometimes we get angry. We are not angry at people but we get angry at devil. We get angry at the spirit of alcoholism, the spirit of eating disorders, the spirit of drugs, the spirit of this fatherless world. I got angry yesterday. God used me strongly and I can say I was surprised at this angre and... the word He gave was not an easy word to say out to the church in Võru. But He gave me an authority to do it. So I did. And I said. And it was good, coz God is good! And again I worshiped my heart out on these 3 meetings there.

Im leaving in 2 days. On Wednesday my plane goes to Bala, WALES. I am excited and a bit scared. A lot scared. I have no idea whats waiting for me. Im there for 10 days and Im just looking to see what Father has for me.
Its good to be home. I have had problems with sleeping for 2 weeks now and Im hoping to get a goodnight sleep tonight.
Sending hugs to all.
And sending my love to all. :)

and ps! Im about to make a delicious carrot cake with some chocolate frosting (I mean after loosing 5 kilos in 2 months I deserve it)... so if u wanna visit me today or tomorrow, give me a call... ;) hihi

Kirsi

Tartu

So this is my last day at work. And kinda the last day in Tartu. I will be back in the end of February for some days and then I have no idea what is going to happen. Will the things in my heart come alive and true and really are going to happen or is something totally different going to be, only God knows it. I really dont know.

If I have learned something then it is to know how to make fire in a fireplace. And I have done it about 10 times now which means Im not that bad. I succeeded.
And if I have learned something then it is to know that sitting is not for me. I am not going to do this kind of job anymore. There is too much sitting and too little doing. I love second hands, BUT GOING to them not being in them for 7 hours in a row waiting the time to move faster and faster.
And if I have learned something then it is to know how much my friends love me and how much I love them. I am going to miss them. I really think that having friends is the only way we humans can survive. They are needed in good times and in bad. And I have not had the best weeks behind me. I have cried more then laughed. It is not a bad thing but somehow my heart has been so much better with knowing I have friends around who share their shoulders and hugs with me.
If I have learned... ok stop.

I love Tartu. I love these people. And I pray that one day God opens another door for me to enter so I can stay here for longer. This 1 months was good. I loved almost every minute of it. I was together with the best women and men of God. I shared, prayed, laughed, cried, ate, walked and talked with them. They are a part of me.

And so this is a new chapter. May God write this one as with all the others from this 23 years of mine. May He lead me and guide me. Coz I am just a daugther. Let me rephrase it: I am A daugther. :) And He is my Father. So He knows so much better then me whats best for ME! :)

Tartu. Bye for me.
I´ll be back.
I promise :)

I need a hug. For forever!

I miss him.
A lot!

Dear England,

How are you doing? Im good, thanks for asking.

So Im writing this letter in order to tell you that it is my 2 last days in Tartu. I am going to leave on Saturday so I have a lot ahead of me. England I am coming to you in a week. I think Im going to fall in love with you and I hope you are going to feel the same for me! ;)

Hugs,

Kirsika

This is what worship is for me. :)

Meie päev

Meil oli tore. :)

Shhh!

It is a secret. Don´t tell anyone, ok? Deal?

I have had this secret for 4 years now. Are you ready?

I wanna go to a ball. I want to dance and wear a long beautiful dress. I want to wear high heals and a good strong make up. I want my hair to look amazing and I want to shine. I want everybody to look at me and think, WOW, she is gorgeous. I want people to look at me and think, man she can dance so good! And I want to be the princess on that special evening. I want my man to look at me and think, wow, I have the most precious girl in the whole universe and tonight she is just AMAZING.

So thats my secret.

And one day I know it is going to happen. I know it deep in my heart and no one can take that from me. No one!

Laager

WOW.
Jumal on hea Isa ja Ta nii tahab, et me ootaksime...
Ma ootasin. Väga igatsesin, et laager tuleks. Ok, pean tunnistama, et olin väga väsinud kõigest, mis mu ümber oli toimunud ...

AAH, I dont know how to write in Estonian anymore. Crap. Im getting bad...
Anyway, I was in the winter camp this weekend and it was awesome with a big A! :) Everything that I waited happened. I waited for my Heavenly Dad to show me His love. Through people, through His word, through worship. And He just was there. From the moment we arrived til the moment we left. We had a wonderful worshiptime last night, God just gave me a word to share through singing... And I must say I love these kids, these youth. They are all so unique and wonderful. In their own weird ways! :D hehe.

And so, Ive got 1 more week in Tartu. 4 days at work. 5 days to spend time with my loved women and men of God. And Im gonna move tomorrow to Vivia and Andrea, just to be with them for 3-4 days. So yes, this is my 1 week that I have left! :)

And Ive got one more thing to say: GOD IS NEVER LATE! :)

s.p.r.i.n.g

i
just
want
spring
thats
why
the
blossoms

...

I think I should eat more, my clothes are starting to get baggy on me.
Oh Tartu dear Tartu, you have these weird effects on me. :)

THE thing

I wake up. Take a shower. Eat.
And then it starts.
The inner talk.
What to wear. what to wear. what to wear. and what about make up. I should put make up on otherwise Im ugly. Yes. Im gonna put make up on. Mascara. Yes. And lot of face-powder. Yes, that will cover all the face-faults. All the tiny spots. The red dots. I am gonna put it on a lot. Just in case. And then the red lipstick. Definitely red. Because then all can see that Im pretty. Otherwise Im not pretty. Right? Yes. So with this make-up I feel pretty. Oh and hair. I should put them up. No, I will just leave them down. They are too straight. I want curly hair. I want them to be curly. Why aren´t they curly? Why she has curly hair. And I mean I want my eyelashes to be bigger. Why do they have to be so tiny? It is not nice. I dont like them. And my stomach looks so ugly in this shirt. I have to change the shirt, otherwise I look fat. And those pants. OMG. I think I am tired. I have had the same pants on for 3 weeks now. God. I need new ones. These are getting a bit big on me. Seriously. How come I feel so ugly? Ok, this shirt is better. It is loose so my belly is fine under it. And what to put on top of it? This sweater? No. Too dark. Ahh, this is fine. Finally. And I still think Im not good enough. How come? It took me an hour or two to do this and Im still not good enough?

The inner cry of me. Me as a woman. I.
I am tired of wanting to be someone else.
I want to be me.
Without make up the same worthy as with make up.

2 more weeks

I have 2 more weeks in Tartu. Today in 2 weeks I will be going back home, to Türi. And then on the 9th of February my plane goes to Manchester, England. And I will be back on the 18th of Feb. But I wont come back to Tartu after that... Yes, I have decided that.
Somehow I have a feeling Im going to move forward. I am not going to say anything about that yet... But if you wanna do something with me you have the chance NOW. :)

The answer

: Yes

A question

Is it possible to miss someone to the point your heart is breaking?

So

I made some decisions about this year which Im not gonna write here. Because sometimes we have a way of writing and telling things too early and then when they dont happen we feel that we are a dissapointment. So not this time. I have learned my way with some other stuff in past. But know that some decisions have been made...

Ok, but about yesterday. I went to a youth meeting in Elusõna. And I must say it was awesome. We did worshipsongs with Pille-Riin and Samuel... sweeet. And later Mihkel was preaching, no I like the word sharing more. He was talking how we can find a way from the place we are now to the place we would like to be. I mean when we think now ooh I dont have this and Im too fat and I have no money and I am like this and that... and then we think thay ooh if I´d have more money and no stomach and I´d be with this kind of personality... And then he brought out an interesting fact that in Bible when God created the world he didnt ponder IF things will happen. He just said the word and it happened. Like: Light be. Light was. Man be. Man was... and so on. And so basically sometimes we speak over our lives the words of death. Just saying bad things out about situations that seem bad and we just talk and talk... But then if we´d start saying things like, NO, I do have money. And I am enough (coz Im Bible it says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made) and I am strong in Him and stuff like that then in one point these things would start to come alive. We may not believe it in the beginning (I know this) but saying things out is a way of things happening. Coz we have been made by the image of God. Which means God said and things happened. So we can also speak and things start to happen.

So thats how we can end up from HERE to THERE! :)

I mean

I mean how many tears can a woman contain?????

WOW

Arms Wide Open – Misty Edwards

“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been pondering
“What does love look like?”
“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been asking of You

I once believed that love was romance, just a chance
I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful
I once believed that love was a momentary bliss
But love is more than this
All You ever wanted was my attention
All You ever wanted was love from me
All You ever wanted was my affections, to sit here at Your feet

Then I sat down, a little frustrated and confused
If all of life comes down to love
Then love has to be more than sentiment
More than selfishness and selfish gain

And then I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me
I could not escape those beautiful eyes
And I began to weep and weep
He had arms wide open, a heart exposed
Arms wide open; He was bleeding, bleeding
Love’s definition, love’s definition was looking at me
Looking at Him, hanging on a tree
I began to weep and weep and weep and weep

This is how I know what love is, this is how I know what love is

And as I sat there weeping, crying
Those beautiful eyes, full of desire and love
He said to me, “You shall love Me, You shall love Me
You shall love Me, You shall love Me”

With arms wide open, a heart exposed
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding

If anybody’s looking for love in all the wrong places
If you’ve been searching for love, come to Me, come to Me
Take up your cross, deny yourself
Forget your father’s house and run, run with Me
You were made for abandonment, wholeheartedness
You were made for someone greater, someone bigger, so follow Me
And You’ll come alive when you learn to die

Ok, do not think that I am a rock and have no feelings whatsoever. The breakup has left a huge mark inside of me aswell. And all the laughing and being with friends does not fill that up. I know what does but somehow it is not so easy always. My God and God only can fill me up with Him. I want it and I need it. But I am not doing so good all the time. I have my days when Im only crying.
My Tartu-life has been a blessing but it is hard also. So if you were reading my blog about the time here... I mean its all good and amazing. But it is also a lot of tears and pain.

And I do need a hug when you see me. It is somehow comforting...

my heart aches for You, my God...

The T

Tartu

So I am gonna write a little about my time here... Otherwise you all read about my issues and problems, BUT its not all that :D haha

Anyway I arrived on the 5th, almost 2 weeks ago... (its the 17th today). I have had some awesome times with friends... Dinners, lunches, movie-watching (cinnamon and home-tv), wonderful conversations, cry-times, laugh-times...

Then I´ve been to some childrens-play-readings. Its been an interesting company, 2 girls and ab 10 men... haha :D Its been more then fun. And through these people I have been selling tickets 2 Sundays to their other play!
And I have had 3 work-days so far. If u have nothing to do, come visit me. The address is: VÕRU 5 and the second-hand store is called KOOBAS! :) I have had some boring and cold times there but also some fun moments! :)

UUUH and beibi, I have been working out. I have been to classes already. Tess organized some kind of work-out here some months ago and I have been to 2 now. I feel so much better. + all the walking that I do. I must be fit soon. :D

And stomachpain is slowly but kindly decided to leave me. I can still feel a bit and it´s not a good feeling but it is leaving... so.

Oooh and I even went to a concert with a friend from Saaremaa (she studies in Tartu) and before that she made me a henna for 2 weeks (oh btw its my hand on the picture, nothing else... hahah). Its cool... :)

So this is my Tartu life!

pain

I´ve got some crazy stomach-pain thing going on. I woke up y.day and all was good until 10.am and I just had to go back to bed coz the pain was unbearable. So I let a friend of mine to pray for me and I was able to fall back to sleep until 2ish... and then woke up with a slight pain which was not bad. But going back to sleep last night. :/ I think I finally fell asleep around 2-3 and Im up again, its 8.am... Its been storms in my stomach. Took painkillers already but...
I need a healing. I have had this since anorexia. Just random stomachpain showups... :S 1 in every 2-3 months. Not good at all. Its really painful...

Ok

I might have my own opinion and stuff, but I cant agree with some things. See, I dont think in order for a woman to look pretty she needs to expose herself. Well, let me explain this.
We see these "half-naked" photos everywhere. 13, 14 year old girls showing their pictures where they have almost nothing on except for a tiny tiny shirt that exposes her boobs and a tiny skirt that shows all her legs. I mean, WOW. How in a world have we end up here? Showing all of us to men? Why? Do we need to feel loved? Do we need it so desperately that we are willing to show the most secret part of us that is our body? Ok, see, I dont wanna go extreme. I mean, summer, fine, be on a beach with your tiny bit of swimmingclothes. But even then I dont think we should wear the tiniest things we can find from stores... Cmn, strings on a beach? A big no-no in my opinion.
I am just a bit disturbed right now. I dont want to see my friends (even the "not so young ones" hanging pictures on FB with their shirts wide open...). Dont do this. Why in the world do you want to even mess with this kinda thing? I have talked to guys about it and it is not healthy for them. Why do I need to tempt them???
And are we in a need of compliments so much that we need to somehow go to the extreme? AND do not tell me, that you put this picture up coz you "just liked it"...
Whuh, I let my frustration out. Im fine again.
thanks.

I found...

...my weirdness! Yes. I have my own unique thing that nobody else does.
So some years ago my mom discovered something from my face. Actually from one of the cheeks... There was one very very long white hair just doing nothing. And she pulled it out. And said that my granny had one at the very same spot as I did. So this is my weird thing. It grows back every time again and again. Call me a freak now, I dont mind. But since my granny is dead, it is my very own thing now. :) My freaky thing.
Which I btw just pulled out (like 3minutes ago)!
I bet its back in a week... HAHAHAHAHA

new job

So today I have my first day. It is called a JOB! :D Well, I got a little job at this second hand store that a friend of mine just opened 2 months ago, a place named KOOBAS! So I´ll be there 3 days a week... Wish me luck! :)

Another...

...amazing book!

Minu Tartu

Minu Gruusia, Minu Norra, Minu Inglismaa, Minu Horvaatia, Minu Ameerika, Minu Eesti (no need on mul läbi sellest seeriast). Seega... Mina mõtlesin, et ma võiks vabalt kirjutada raamatu Minu Tartu. Olin siin 3 aastat. Nüüd olen jälle tagasi... MINU TARTU. Kõlab hästi? :)

Do you ever...

So basically. Do you ever feel alone when you are together with a bunch of people? Ok, let me explain this. What I meant was that, you know, you are doing something with someone; for example walking outside with 3 very good friends but there is a hole in your heart? Like you are with them but actually alone?
Well, I have felt that for 2 weeks now. I am back in Tartu. I am with friends and yet... I am alone. I love my friends more then... well more then a lot of things. But Im like an outsider. Yet I am not and they all assure me this. And I know it is not true blabla. But somewhere in my heart there is a hole that is aching. And aching pretty bad... So I am with friends but yet I am alone.
And I know it has a lot to do with my lifechanges. I miss him. Yes. But it is not about that.
Not only. So please.
I am assuring you that I am not crazy or anything, I am just a bit lost. And I tend to find out God´s will for me.
Love

SO

Now all of you who didnt answer last time when I had the question who visits my blog, NOW you have the chance of answering me. I really would like to know coz I mean I write here a lot of stuff that is about my life and... maybe it will help me to understand something.
SO if u read my blog and did or didnt leave me a mark last time, then be your kind. :)

hugs love Kirsi

CRAP

CRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP.
And one more time: CRAPCRAP! :(

Sex God

Chapter 1: God Wears Lipstick

1945, from German concentration camp (Colonel Gonin):

It was shortly after the British Red Cross arrived, though it may have no connection, that a very large quantity of lipstick arrived. This was not at all what we wanted, we were screaming for hundreds and thousands of other things and I don´t know who asked for lipstick. I wish so much that I could discover who did it, it was the action of genius, sheer unadultered brilliance. I believe nothing did more for these internees than the lipstick. Women lay in bed with no sheets and no nightie but with scarlet red lips, you saw them wandering about with nothing but a blanket over their shoulders, but with scarlet red lips. I saw a woman dead on the postmortem table and clutched in her hand was a piece of lipstick. At last someone had done something to make them individuals again, they were someone, no loger merely the number tattooed on the arm. At last they could take an interest in their appearance. That lipstick started to give them back their humanity.

When a human being is mistreated, objectified, or neglected, when they are treated less than human, these actions are actions against God. Because how you treat the creation reflects how you feel about the Creator.

Dear friends...

...and also people that I dont know so good.
I am done with questions for now. Yes, I know I said in the last blog that is erased by now, that ask if you want to ask something, but Im done now. I have gotten about 15 letters in 2 days and I cant and dont want to talk about it anymore. If you love then please love me unconditionally. Just be there for me and know that I am in peace...
Thank you for understanding and If you want to know something, feel free to ask Timo also.

Kirsi

B

To be blessed is good, but to be a blessing is amazing!
Well, I realized something yesterday. I was blessed with some money and yes, I felt good and everything... BUT then in the evening I had a chance to give away a bag full of clothes and I felt amazing. So where´s the catch? You know, when you bless someone, it can just change your perspective from me-me-me to you-you-you. There are friends around you who are in need, people around you who have 1% of what you have. I mean, cmn, I have a closet full of clothes that I can share with others. Maybe I am not the richest person in the world, but I sure am more blessed then I can imagine...
Thank u God for remainding me this!

My story

So I’ve wanted to write down my story in English for a while now… But something has always stopped me. Not having enough time maybe or just forgetting. But I’m about to do it now. Just for some of you who have asked me since you don’t understand English. And I just want you guys to know me a bit better. And I am not ashamed to tell the world that my God healed me from something that seemed impossible to recover from. Yes.
So here I go with this!
I was always a bit chubby, but so what, many kids were. But something inside of me was different. I was always known by my voice, people appreciated the fact that I sang beautiful and that was all they saw; at least it seemed like that to me. Now when I look back I know it is not the truth. But the thing is that I wanted to be noticed not by my voice.
Girls want to be seen by their dads, by boys around them, by their friends and so on. I wanted to be accepted.
And in the near future I paid a price for that…
I was 16. I decided that in order to be liked by people I needed to do something. I wasn’t being picked at school or anything. There were just some things in my heart already from the past that were hurting. Plus I wanted to have a boyfriend. You know, everybody should have a boyfriend, right?
And I wanted to feel like I’m loved the same way my sister was. She was a very petite girl with many admirers. But the one thing I didn’t realise was this: having many boyfriends doesn’t give you the joy and peace in life, it actually just ruins you.
So there I was, 16, just turning 17 in a couple of months and starting to get this idea of how to lose a couple of kilos. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist. I have wanted things to be in order and I needed to gain a control over something. And that something decided to take over.
At first I wanted to lose 3-4 kilos. That doesn’t harm, does it? That was my thinking. I was 1,67 cm tall and my weight was about 68 kilos… I must say I didn’t like my body. I almost never wore any nice clothes, I was ashamed. I tried to hide behind baggy shirts, loose pants. That was me. People didn’t know the real inside story of mine. They saw my shining smile, my always "I am happy" face.
And so I started. I decided that the best way to lose a bit is to start eating 2 times a day. No snacks, no drinks between. So there it was: breakfast and lunch. It was ok at the beginning since I had my first meal in school and second one at home. Oh the joy of losing the first kilos. I couldn’t believe that the first time ever I started to like myself.
But when it gets a hold of you it also knows how to start rolling like a snowball. And eventually it is like a big snowball.
So it took me 6 months. With 6 months I had lost 24 kilos out of 68. You can do the counting. I had reached a point where there was no turning back. No period anymore, no joy, just bare skin and bones…
I still ate something. It wasn’t that I just lived without any food. I loved food. Don’t get me wrong, I had problems, yes, but I loved eating. It was a hate and love relationship. I tried to deal with this somehow.
My parents were panicking. I had gained a control that harmed my family and friends. I don’t know how to even explain that. I was the “drama-queen” at home. People lived under my emotional terror. I said and did things that I don’t want to remember. My dad tried to talk me out of this so many times. Since our family and relatives have never dealt with eating disorders then how could they even help? I went to the local doctors, school doctors. I lied. I didn’t know I lied but I did. I really with all my heart believed that everything is ok. And I really with all my heart knew that nothing was ok. I was torn between the thoughts in my head and heart. It went on for 2 years. I was 18, graduating my school. And I was nothing but bones and skin. I hated looking into the mirror, I was afraid to go out with people. I was afraid they will force me to eat. I had a few friends left who tried to help but I didn’t listen!
So there I was, 18 years old and 44 kilos.
At least I received some help during these 2 years. I had God. Ok I know, you might ask, but how could it even happen to you? How? You are and were a Christian? Well I tell you this, being a Christian doesn’t mean that bad things don’t happen to you. I am as human as any other person!
God was next to my pain and sadness all through these 2,5 years of anorexia. I know it now. I didn’t then… Somewhere in the middle, when my period stopped, I started to get anxious. I mean in the beginning people noticed me, made compliments, because 10 kilos to lose is ok. In the end people whispered when I passed by. And I can’t blame them. I felt sick to my stomach because I knew I had made a huge mistake. I knew I was going to lose my life like that. I knew I had a chance of not having any babies ever. But what could I do? I was like an animal that had been shot at and now was bleeding to death and didn’t know how to survive.
It was 2006, just the time my exam-period almost started. I went to the toilet and it had happened before but never that much. Blood, a lot of blood.
On a same day my mom took me to a local women doctor and first time someone told me into my face that hey you have a problem. You need help and I cannot help you. So she convinced me to go to Tartu. I was ok with that because it seemed like I might stay there for 2-3 days. But the thing is that nobody told me about 3 weeks.
I was supposed to go on a summer holiday, but one place was open suddenly. I know it was a miracle that I got in so much earlier. So in March 2006 I was in a hospital for 3 weeks instead of 3 days that I thought.
In my own little head I was thinking this: “Hey who needs 3 weeks; I can do it on my own. I just need to eat a little bit more!” But see, the thing is this, I only ate maybe 500 calories a day eventually and a little bit more in my mind was maybe an apple.
So I was scared on a first day. I knew nothing about the treatment. I knew nothing about right eating anymore. Morning arrived, I woke up; breakfast time; huge pile of porridge, 2 sandwiches, an apple, a bagel, hot chocolate. I was almost dying. I was scared like I said. But this was nothing as I learnt later. In 2,5 hours we had to eat a chocolate or something. In 2 hours we had lunch: potatoes, sauce, meat, milk, 2 breads, and something for dessert. In 2 hours we had yogurt. In 2 hours we had dinner: some soup… and so on! 5 times a day we were given food. I was eating like a grown-up man who does sports every day! Can you understand my agony now? I was literally in pain every evening, because my stomach couldn’t bear all this food. It was a lot. Yes, I got used to it on a 3rd week, but until then… Eating disorder is no joke. It is a sickness that wants to destroy your body. It is no way that one can come out of it without paying the price.
We had to talk to psychologists over these 3 weeks, meet doctors and had lots of tests and lots of food. It is a time that I never want back. I got free food as a treatment.
I was afraid. I was afraid that I’m going to gain all the weight back and more. I was afraid that I am going to be fat. All these things needed to be talked through. Oh and we talked there.
I met with many girls that had awful problems; problems that I don’t know if they ever got rid of. (There was a girl in my room whose parents had started teasing her while she was kid (that she was fat and so on), and when she was 14 she had both anorexia and bulimia, not a single normal word came out of her mouth anymore and the way she looked at you, there was no emotions left).
I know I am free now. But sometimes I still pay the price.
After 3 weeks I went home. I knew already then that my hospital time wasn’t for my bad. It was for me to learn how to eat again. And it dealt with problems, deeper problems. You know, eating disorders isn’t the problem, the real issues are deeper. It is just the result of the problem. So I mean it’s the same with cutting, or alcoholism and drug addicts. These things are the result of some other problems. So believe me when I say this, dealing with the real issues might be the hardest things ever…
It took me 1 whole year to gain the needed 15 kilos with the same eating I started at the hospital. And it took me 1,5 years to get my period back.
Yes, there are days when I don’t like the way I look. I stand in front of a mirror and think bad thoughts. There are days when I hate compliments. I don’t know how to receive them. But I eat. I eat like I didn’t in these 2,5 years. I love food like I said in the beginning of this story. And I have never stopped loving. 59 kilos is so much better than 44. I know so you better believe me!
I can still be a control freak. I have noticed that whenever I have some harder times in my heart, in my life, I lose appetite. And then I start losing weight as well. It is hard for me. I am not saying that I am still practising eating disorder habits but I am a woman. Women in this world face all kinds of challenges. Starting with magazines and ending with Facebook. You see, the thing is that this world dictates us how we should look and what we should eat. But God says to me and you: All beautiful you are, my darling; there is NO flaw in you! And He means it. It is not just a saying. Oh cmn, if God didn’t want me to know I’m pretty He would not have put this scripture in the Bible. Right?
I love saying to my girls how lovely they are. How beautiful they are, because they are. I love saying to young woman that they don’t need to look love from wrong places and find help from some bad addictions. Eating disorder is an addiction, sad, isn’t it?I know that this writing isn’t perfect. In many places it is all over the place, but I don’t care. I care that maybe someone is reading this and finds some help, some comfort. You know, there is a way out. I am a good example of that.
And to finish, I mean, I wouldn’t be here without God. So many people go to search help from weird and wrong places. Don’t do that. Ask Him to show you the way out. He will. He is a loving father.
I love u, my friend. Thanks for reading, thanks for not judging me for what I’ve done.

The Worship

Wedding

...invitations.
Yes, Im already making them. I just feel like Im gonna get a job starting January (ok, nothing is sure, I havent even applied anywhere, I just would like to have a job...) and I probably wont be having so much free time then anymore. So Im making a lot of stuff now already. Including wedding invitations. Im making them myself and thats why it takes tons of time. I have made 20 by now and still 25 or so to go. + non of the cards have anything inside yet coz some of the details arent fixed. So no info inside. just empty cards which bytheway are dropdeadgorgeous. I must say Im totally loving them. And I know Bible says that dont applaud to yourself, let someone else do it... but this time I somehow just like my own work. :)
Oh and we´re gonna have a FATHERS HEART CONFERENCE in 3 days in Rakvere. SO be there or you´re not my friend anymore. Ok, JK! :D
Love you :)

Constant stomachpain

Crap. I can even say the s word but dont want to. Oh. Why is it always before something I am about to do or some event, or a trip or...
Stomachpain.
For 3 days now.
Went to bed around 11 yesterday with the idea of sleeping. Ok, stomach was hurting a bit, tried to ignore it. Then around 2 o clock the pain was unbearable, took a painkiller. And then woke up dad and ended up in an ambulance. FUN. They did tests for 2 hours and then sent me home, coz nothing was found. Was suppose to go back today, but seriously I have had enough of these doctors in Paide. I might go to Tartu, to get some tests done there. Why is it hurting, I mean its not normal. Right? :/

I must be going nuts

Im loosing myself here. Seriously. I need a job. I need to do something that makes me happy. I know there is no way Im going to find a job at a time like this, but starting January Im hoping for something new in my life. Im so wanting to go to Tartu already to my friends and Timo. And Im going crazy because of that.
Im going to buy some stuff tomorrow so I could at least make some handycraft and be happy with this. I have 3 free days this week left and I need to do something with these days coz today I am just... Oeh no words needed.
And of course The Wedding. I mean I hope I wont be this panicking bride who wants everything to be P.erfect. Yes. I hope it works out without me going crazy even though it feels like I am already. Watchin pics every day online... And having thousands of ideas but not really knowing what will work, what not. I seriously wish I could go to Tallinn or Tartu with some friends and go through all the wedding shops and find a dress that would fit perfectly so at least this one HUGE thing would be done.
Jup. Thats me at the moment. A big mess that wants to get out. I love home and everything but seriously, it feels like cage at some point.

How...

...God blesses!

Went to Finland last week on Friday and came back this Wednesday. It was a great time (of course every trip has its bad moments and so did mine) and I had a lot of things happening to me.
Since I was babysitting Ester just before the trip for 2 weeks I got a little money from my parents. Ab 100 Euros. So I did buy a new winterjacket and some little stuff for me and Timo. And so the 100 Euros was gone by the end of the trip. But not really. Here is the thing. I still have that 100 Euros now. U ask me how? I will tell you.

2 people, both of them, decided to bless me with 50 Euros... And so in the end it feels like no money was spent but somehow I have new clothes in my closet... How? God provides.

I put this 100 E into my wedding envelope. I love my wedd envelope. It has about 250 Euros already and all of it has been a blessing from friends... I love how God provides.

God blesses also in other ways. Through encouraging words ("You have a beautiful voice, you have a blessed voice, a strong voice")... through beautiful and long hugs (people crying on your sholder because they feel the love of God through you)... Through gifts (recieved some good gifts during the trip) and through His word and worship.

I am a blessed woman. Im getting married. I have a home now. Even though I still dont have a job Im blessed. Blessed to be where I am. I do believe that coz when the storms come I have something to hang on to!

My wedding planning is sometimes driving me crazy. I love it and I dont love it sometimes. I love the detail stuff, finding things, I hate the money side... I guess every bride and groom have gone through the same hate/love relationship.

Its a bit strange to plan a wedding at a same time with your sister, but good also. You can share thoughts and ideas and... I love Vaarika. I LOVE that both of us are gonna get married in the coming year. Wow, its gonna be KIRSIKA PAPPE and VAARIKA MACDONALD then. :D How weird? :)

Alright.

SO

If u read my blog, please leave a note here coz I really so much want to know who in the world are coming here... since I have this add here where I can see all these countries and places from where ppl visit my blog, I mean you are so many... who are you? :D haha

When Im bored in 3 days!

Ester :)

Küsisin siis Essult, et kust sa nii pruunid silmad said? Ja tema vastu : Jumal andis! Ja siis joonistas edasi...
Ester armastusest: Seda et ma armastat emmet ja tema süda on punane ja et meie perekonna süda oleks punane! :)
Essu nali nr.2. Armastan ju meie perekonda. ISEGI Timot armastan! :D