Tartu

So this is my last day at work. And kinda the last day in Tartu. I will be back in the end of February for some days and then I have no idea what is going to happen. Will the things in my heart come alive and true and really are going to happen or is something totally different going to be, only God knows it. I really dont know.

If I have learned something then it is to know how to make fire in a fireplace. And I have done it about 10 times now which means Im not that bad. I succeeded.
And if I have learned something then it is to know that sitting is not for me. I am not going to do this kind of job anymore. There is too much sitting and too little doing. I love second hands, BUT GOING to them not being in them for 7 hours in a row waiting the time to move faster and faster.
And if I have learned something then it is to know how much my friends love me and how much I love them. I am going to miss them. I really think that having friends is the only way we humans can survive. They are needed in good times and in bad. And I have not had the best weeks behind me. I have cried more then laughed. It is not a bad thing but somehow my heart has been so much better with knowing I have friends around who share their shoulders and hugs with me.
If I have learned... ok stop.

I love Tartu. I love these people. And I pray that one day God opens another door for me to enter so I can stay here for longer. This 1 months was good. I loved almost every minute of it. I was together with the best women and men of God. I shared, prayed, laughed, cried, ate, walked and talked with them. They are a part of me.

And so this is a new chapter. May God write this one as with all the others from this 23 years of mine. May He lead me and guide me. Coz I am just a daugther. Let me rephrase it: I am A daugther. :) And He is my Father. So He knows so much better then me whats best for ME! :)

Tartu. Bye for me.
I´ll be back.
I promise :)

I need a hug. For forever!

I miss him.
A lot!

Dear England,

How are you doing? Im good, thanks for asking.

So Im writing this letter in order to tell you that it is my 2 last days in Tartu. I am going to leave on Saturday so I have a lot ahead of me. England I am coming to you in a week. I think Im going to fall in love with you and I hope you are going to feel the same for me! ;)

Hugs,

Kirsika

This is what worship is for me. :)

Meie päev

Meil oli tore. :)

Shhh!

It is a secret. Don´t tell anyone, ok? Deal?

I have had this secret for 4 years now. Are you ready?

I wanna go to a ball. I want to dance and wear a long beautiful dress. I want to wear high heals and a good strong make up. I want my hair to look amazing and I want to shine. I want everybody to look at me and think, WOW, she is gorgeous. I want people to look at me and think, man she can dance so good! And I want to be the princess on that special evening. I want my man to look at me and think, wow, I have the most precious girl in the whole universe and tonight she is just AMAZING.

So thats my secret.

And one day I know it is going to happen. I know it deep in my heart and no one can take that from me. No one!

Laager

WOW.
Jumal on hea Isa ja Ta nii tahab, et me ootaksime...
Ma ootasin. Väga igatsesin, et laager tuleks. Ok, pean tunnistama, et olin väga väsinud kõigest, mis mu ümber oli toimunud ...

AAH, I dont know how to write in Estonian anymore. Crap. Im getting bad...
Anyway, I was in the winter camp this weekend and it was awesome with a big A! :) Everything that I waited happened. I waited for my Heavenly Dad to show me His love. Through people, through His word, through worship. And He just was there. From the moment we arrived til the moment we left. We had a wonderful worshiptime last night, God just gave me a word to share through singing... And I must say I love these kids, these youth. They are all so unique and wonderful. In their own weird ways! :D hehe.

And so, Ive got 1 more week in Tartu. 4 days at work. 5 days to spend time with my loved women and men of God. And Im gonna move tomorrow to Vivia and Andrea, just to be with them for 3-4 days. So yes, this is my 1 week that I have left! :)

And Ive got one more thing to say: GOD IS NEVER LATE! :)

s.p.r.i.n.g

i
just
want
spring
thats
why
the
blossoms

...

I think I should eat more, my clothes are starting to get baggy on me.
Oh Tartu dear Tartu, you have these weird effects on me. :)

THE thing

I wake up. Take a shower. Eat.
And then it starts.
The inner talk.
What to wear. what to wear. what to wear. and what about make up. I should put make up on otherwise Im ugly. Yes. Im gonna put make up on. Mascara. Yes. And lot of face-powder. Yes, that will cover all the face-faults. All the tiny spots. The red dots. I am gonna put it on a lot. Just in case. And then the red lipstick. Definitely red. Because then all can see that Im pretty. Otherwise Im not pretty. Right? Yes. So with this make-up I feel pretty. Oh and hair. I should put them up. No, I will just leave them down. They are too straight. I want curly hair. I want them to be curly. Why aren´t they curly? Why she has curly hair. And I mean I want my eyelashes to be bigger. Why do they have to be so tiny? It is not nice. I dont like them. And my stomach looks so ugly in this shirt. I have to change the shirt, otherwise I look fat. And those pants. OMG. I think I am tired. I have had the same pants on for 3 weeks now. God. I need new ones. These are getting a bit big on me. Seriously. How come I feel so ugly? Ok, this shirt is better. It is loose so my belly is fine under it. And what to put on top of it? This sweater? No. Too dark. Ahh, this is fine. Finally. And I still think Im not good enough. How come? It took me an hour or two to do this and Im still not good enough?

The inner cry of me. Me as a woman. I.
I am tired of wanting to be someone else.
I want to be me.
Without make up the same worthy as with make up.

2 more weeks

I have 2 more weeks in Tartu. Today in 2 weeks I will be going back home, to Türi. And then on the 9th of February my plane goes to Manchester, England. And I will be back on the 18th of Feb. But I wont come back to Tartu after that... Yes, I have decided that.
Somehow I have a feeling Im going to move forward. I am not going to say anything about that yet... But if you wanna do something with me you have the chance NOW. :)

The answer

: Yes

A question

Is it possible to miss someone to the point your heart is breaking?

So

I made some decisions about this year which Im not gonna write here. Because sometimes we have a way of writing and telling things too early and then when they dont happen we feel that we are a dissapointment. So not this time. I have learned my way with some other stuff in past. But know that some decisions have been made...

Ok, but about yesterday. I went to a youth meeting in Elusõna. And I must say it was awesome. We did worshipsongs with Pille-Riin and Samuel... sweeet. And later Mihkel was preaching, no I like the word sharing more. He was talking how we can find a way from the place we are now to the place we would like to be. I mean when we think now ooh I dont have this and Im too fat and I have no money and I am like this and that... and then we think thay ooh if I´d have more money and no stomach and I´d be with this kind of personality... And then he brought out an interesting fact that in Bible when God created the world he didnt ponder IF things will happen. He just said the word and it happened. Like: Light be. Light was. Man be. Man was... and so on. And so basically sometimes we speak over our lives the words of death. Just saying bad things out about situations that seem bad and we just talk and talk... But then if we´d start saying things like, NO, I do have money. And I am enough (coz Im Bible it says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made) and I am strong in Him and stuff like that then in one point these things would start to come alive. We may not believe it in the beginning (I know this) but saying things out is a way of things happening. Coz we have been made by the image of God. Which means God said and things happened. So we can also speak and things start to happen.

So thats how we can end up from HERE to THERE! :)

I mean

I mean how many tears can a woman contain?????

WOW

Arms Wide Open – Misty Edwards

“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been pondering
“What does love look like?”
“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been asking of You

I once believed that love was romance, just a chance
I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful
I once believed that love was a momentary bliss
But love is more than this
All You ever wanted was my attention
All You ever wanted was love from me
All You ever wanted was my affections, to sit here at Your feet

Then I sat down, a little frustrated and confused
If all of life comes down to love
Then love has to be more than sentiment
More than selfishness and selfish gain

And then I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me
I could not escape those beautiful eyes
And I began to weep and weep
He had arms wide open, a heart exposed
Arms wide open; He was bleeding, bleeding
Love’s definition, love’s definition was looking at me
Looking at Him, hanging on a tree
I began to weep and weep and weep and weep

This is how I know what love is, this is how I know what love is

And as I sat there weeping, crying
Those beautiful eyes, full of desire and love
He said to me, “You shall love Me, You shall love Me
You shall love Me, You shall love Me”

With arms wide open, a heart exposed
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding

If anybody’s looking for love in all the wrong places
If you’ve been searching for love, come to Me, come to Me
Take up your cross, deny yourself
Forget your father’s house and run, run with Me
You were made for abandonment, wholeheartedness
You were made for someone greater, someone bigger, so follow Me
And You’ll come alive when you learn to die

Ok, do not think that I am a rock and have no feelings whatsoever. The breakup has left a huge mark inside of me aswell. And all the laughing and being with friends does not fill that up. I know what does but somehow it is not so easy always. My God and God only can fill me up with Him. I want it and I need it. But I am not doing so good all the time. I have my days when Im only crying.
My Tartu-life has been a blessing but it is hard also. So if you were reading my blog about the time here... I mean its all good and amazing. But it is also a lot of tears and pain.

And I do need a hug when you see me. It is somehow comforting...

my heart aches for You, my God...

The T

Tartu

So I am gonna write a little about my time here... Otherwise you all read about my issues and problems, BUT its not all that :D haha

Anyway I arrived on the 5th, almost 2 weeks ago... (its the 17th today). I have had some awesome times with friends... Dinners, lunches, movie-watching (cinnamon and home-tv), wonderful conversations, cry-times, laugh-times...

Then I´ve been to some childrens-play-readings. Its been an interesting company, 2 girls and ab 10 men... haha :D Its been more then fun. And through these people I have been selling tickets 2 Sundays to their other play!
And I have had 3 work-days so far. If u have nothing to do, come visit me. The address is: VÕRU 5 and the second-hand store is called KOOBAS! :) I have had some boring and cold times there but also some fun moments! :)

UUUH and beibi, I have been working out. I have been to classes already. Tess organized some kind of work-out here some months ago and I have been to 2 now. I feel so much better. + all the walking that I do. I must be fit soon. :D

And stomachpain is slowly but kindly decided to leave me. I can still feel a bit and it´s not a good feeling but it is leaving... so.

Oooh and I even went to a concert with a friend from Saaremaa (she studies in Tartu) and before that she made me a henna for 2 weeks (oh btw its my hand on the picture, nothing else... hahah). Its cool... :)

So this is my Tartu life!

pain

I´ve got some crazy stomach-pain thing going on. I woke up y.day and all was good until 10.am and I just had to go back to bed coz the pain was unbearable. So I let a friend of mine to pray for me and I was able to fall back to sleep until 2ish... and then woke up with a slight pain which was not bad. But going back to sleep last night. :/ I think I finally fell asleep around 2-3 and Im up again, its 8.am... Its been storms in my stomach. Took painkillers already but...
I need a healing. I have had this since anorexia. Just random stomachpain showups... :S 1 in every 2-3 months. Not good at all. Its really painful...

Ok

I might have my own opinion and stuff, but I cant agree with some things. See, I dont think in order for a woman to look pretty she needs to expose herself. Well, let me explain this.
We see these "half-naked" photos everywhere. 13, 14 year old girls showing their pictures where they have almost nothing on except for a tiny tiny shirt that exposes her boobs and a tiny skirt that shows all her legs. I mean, WOW. How in a world have we end up here? Showing all of us to men? Why? Do we need to feel loved? Do we need it so desperately that we are willing to show the most secret part of us that is our body? Ok, see, I dont wanna go extreme. I mean, summer, fine, be on a beach with your tiny bit of swimmingclothes. But even then I dont think we should wear the tiniest things we can find from stores... Cmn, strings on a beach? A big no-no in my opinion.
I am just a bit disturbed right now. I dont want to see my friends (even the "not so young ones" hanging pictures on FB with their shirts wide open...). Dont do this. Why in the world do you want to even mess with this kinda thing? I have talked to guys about it and it is not healthy for them. Why do I need to tempt them???
And are we in a need of compliments so much that we need to somehow go to the extreme? AND do not tell me, that you put this picture up coz you "just liked it"...
Whuh, I let my frustration out. Im fine again.
thanks.

I found...

...my weirdness! Yes. I have my own unique thing that nobody else does.
So some years ago my mom discovered something from my face. Actually from one of the cheeks... There was one very very long white hair just doing nothing. And she pulled it out. And said that my granny had one at the very same spot as I did. So this is my weird thing. It grows back every time again and again. Call me a freak now, I dont mind. But since my granny is dead, it is my very own thing now. :) My freaky thing.
Which I btw just pulled out (like 3minutes ago)!
I bet its back in a week... HAHAHAHAHA

new job

So today I have my first day. It is called a JOB! :D Well, I got a little job at this second hand store that a friend of mine just opened 2 months ago, a place named KOOBAS! So I´ll be there 3 days a week... Wish me luck! :)

Another...

...amazing book!

Minu Tartu

Minu Gruusia, Minu Norra, Minu Inglismaa, Minu Horvaatia, Minu Ameerika, Minu Eesti (no need on mul läbi sellest seeriast). Seega... Mina mõtlesin, et ma võiks vabalt kirjutada raamatu Minu Tartu. Olin siin 3 aastat. Nüüd olen jälle tagasi... MINU TARTU. Kõlab hästi? :)

Do you ever...

So basically. Do you ever feel alone when you are together with a bunch of people? Ok, let me explain this. What I meant was that, you know, you are doing something with someone; for example walking outside with 3 very good friends but there is a hole in your heart? Like you are with them but actually alone?
Well, I have felt that for 2 weeks now. I am back in Tartu. I am with friends and yet... I am alone. I love my friends more then... well more then a lot of things. But Im like an outsider. Yet I am not and they all assure me this. And I know it is not true blabla. But somewhere in my heart there is a hole that is aching. And aching pretty bad... So I am with friends but yet I am alone.
And I know it has a lot to do with my lifechanges. I miss him. Yes. But it is not about that.
Not only. So please.
I am assuring you that I am not crazy or anything, I am just a bit lost. And I tend to find out God´s will for me.
Love

SO

Now all of you who didnt answer last time when I had the question who visits my blog, NOW you have the chance of answering me. I really would like to know coz I mean I write here a lot of stuff that is about my life and... maybe it will help me to understand something.
SO if u read my blog and did or didnt leave me a mark last time, then be your kind. :)

hugs love Kirsi

CRAP

CRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP.
And one more time: CRAPCRAP! :(

Sex God

Chapter 1: God Wears Lipstick

1945, from German concentration camp (Colonel Gonin):

It was shortly after the British Red Cross arrived, though it may have no connection, that a very large quantity of lipstick arrived. This was not at all what we wanted, we were screaming for hundreds and thousands of other things and I don´t know who asked for lipstick. I wish so much that I could discover who did it, it was the action of genius, sheer unadultered brilliance. I believe nothing did more for these internees than the lipstick. Women lay in bed with no sheets and no nightie but with scarlet red lips, you saw them wandering about with nothing but a blanket over their shoulders, but with scarlet red lips. I saw a woman dead on the postmortem table and clutched in her hand was a piece of lipstick. At last someone had done something to make them individuals again, they were someone, no loger merely the number tattooed on the arm. At last they could take an interest in their appearance. That lipstick started to give them back their humanity.

When a human being is mistreated, objectified, or neglected, when they are treated less than human, these actions are actions against God. Because how you treat the creation reflects how you feel about the Creator.

Dear friends...

...and also people that I dont know so good.
I am done with questions for now. Yes, I know I said in the last blog that is erased by now, that ask if you want to ask something, but Im done now. I have gotten about 15 letters in 2 days and I cant and dont want to talk about it anymore. If you love then please love me unconditionally. Just be there for me and know that I am in peace...
Thank you for understanding and If you want to know something, feel free to ask Timo also.

Kirsi

B

To be blessed is good, but to be a blessing is amazing!
Well, I realized something yesterday. I was blessed with some money and yes, I felt good and everything... BUT then in the evening I had a chance to give away a bag full of clothes and I felt amazing. So where´s the catch? You know, when you bless someone, it can just change your perspective from me-me-me to you-you-you. There are friends around you who are in need, people around you who have 1% of what you have. I mean, cmn, I have a closet full of clothes that I can share with others. Maybe I am not the richest person in the world, but I sure am more blessed then I can imagine...
Thank u God for remainding me this!

My story

So I’ve wanted to write down my story in English for a while now… But something has always stopped me. Not having enough time maybe or just forgetting. But I’m about to do it now. Just for some of you who have asked me since you don’t understand English. And I just want you guys to know me a bit better. And I am not ashamed to tell the world that my God healed me from something that seemed impossible to recover from. Yes.
So here I go with this!
I was always a bit chubby, but so what, many kids were. But something inside of me was different. I was always known by my voice, people appreciated the fact that I sang beautiful and that was all they saw; at least it seemed like that to me. Now when I look back I know it is not the truth. But the thing is that I wanted to be noticed not by my voice.
Girls want to be seen by their dads, by boys around them, by their friends and so on. I wanted to be accepted.
And in the near future I paid a price for that…
I was 16. I decided that in order to be liked by people I needed to do something. I wasn’t being picked at school or anything. There were just some things in my heart already from the past that were hurting. Plus I wanted to have a boyfriend. You know, everybody should have a boyfriend, right?
And I wanted to feel like I’m loved the same way my sister was. She was a very petite girl with many admirers. But the one thing I didn’t realise was this: having many boyfriends doesn’t give you the joy and peace in life, it actually just ruins you.
So there I was, 16, just turning 17 in a couple of months and starting to get this idea of how to lose a couple of kilos. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist. I have wanted things to be in order and I needed to gain a control over something. And that something decided to take over.
At first I wanted to lose 3-4 kilos. That doesn’t harm, does it? That was my thinking. I was 1,67 cm tall and my weight was about 68 kilos… I must say I didn’t like my body. I almost never wore any nice clothes, I was ashamed. I tried to hide behind baggy shirts, loose pants. That was me. People didn’t know the real inside story of mine. They saw my shining smile, my always "I am happy" face.
And so I started. I decided that the best way to lose a bit is to start eating 2 times a day. No snacks, no drinks between. So there it was: breakfast and lunch. It was ok at the beginning since I had my first meal in school and second one at home. Oh the joy of losing the first kilos. I couldn’t believe that the first time ever I started to like myself.
But when it gets a hold of you it also knows how to start rolling like a snowball. And eventually it is like a big snowball.
So it took me 6 months. With 6 months I had lost 24 kilos out of 68. You can do the counting. I had reached a point where there was no turning back. No period anymore, no joy, just bare skin and bones…
I still ate something. It wasn’t that I just lived without any food. I loved food. Don’t get me wrong, I had problems, yes, but I loved eating. It was a hate and love relationship. I tried to deal with this somehow.
My parents were panicking. I had gained a control that harmed my family and friends. I don’t know how to even explain that. I was the “drama-queen” at home. People lived under my emotional terror. I said and did things that I don’t want to remember. My dad tried to talk me out of this so many times. Since our family and relatives have never dealt with eating disorders then how could they even help? I went to the local doctors, school doctors. I lied. I didn’t know I lied but I did. I really with all my heart believed that everything is ok. And I really with all my heart knew that nothing was ok. I was torn between the thoughts in my head and heart. It went on for 2 years. I was 18, graduating my school. And I was nothing but bones and skin. I hated looking into the mirror, I was afraid to go out with people. I was afraid they will force me to eat. I had a few friends left who tried to help but I didn’t listen!
So there I was, 18 years old and 44 kilos.
At least I received some help during these 2 years. I had God. Ok I know, you might ask, but how could it even happen to you? How? You are and were a Christian? Well I tell you this, being a Christian doesn’t mean that bad things don’t happen to you. I am as human as any other person!
God was next to my pain and sadness all through these 2,5 years of anorexia. I know it now. I didn’t then… Somewhere in the middle, when my period stopped, I started to get anxious. I mean in the beginning people noticed me, made compliments, because 10 kilos to lose is ok. In the end people whispered when I passed by. And I can’t blame them. I felt sick to my stomach because I knew I had made a huge mistake. I knew I was going to lose my life like that. I knew I had a chance of not having any babies ever. But what could I do? I was like an animal that had been shot at and now was bleeding to death and didn’t know how to survive.
It was 2006, just the time my exam-period almost started. I went to the toilet and it had happened before but never that much. Blood, a lot of blood.
On a same day my mom took me to a local women doctor and first time someone told me into my face that hey you have a problem. You need help and I cannot help you. So she convinced me to go to Tartu. I was ok with that because it seemed like I might stay there for 2-3 days. But the thing is that nobody told me about 3 weeks.
I was supposed to go on a summer holiday, but one place was open suddenly. I know it was a miracle that I got in so much earlier. So in March 2006 I was in a hospital for 3 weeks instead of 3 days that I thought.
In my own little head I was thinking this: “Hey who needs 3 weeks; I can do it on my own. I just need to eat a little bit more!” But see, the thing is this, I only ate maybe 500 calories a day eventually and a little bit more in my mind was maybe an apple.
So I was scared on a first day. I knew nothing about the treatment. I knew nothing about right eating anymore. Morning arrived, I woke up; breakfast time; huge pile of porridge, 2 sandwiches, an apple, a bagel, hot chocolate. I was almost dying. I was scared like I said. But this was nothing as I learnt later. In 2,5 hours we had to eat a chocolate or something. In 2 hours we had lunch: potatoes, sauce, meat, milk, 2 breads, and something for dessert. In 2 hours we had yogurt. In 2 hours we had dinner: some soup… and so on! 5 times a day we were given food. I was eating like a grown-up man who does sports every day! Can you understand my agony now? I was literally in pain every evening, because my stomach couldn’t bear all this food. It was a lot. Yes, I got used to it on a 3rd week, but until then… Eating disorder is no joke. It is a sickness that wants to destroy your body. It is no way that one can come out of it without paying the price.
We had to talk to psychologists over these 3 weeks, meet doctors and had lots of tests and lots of food. It is a time that I never want back. I got free food as a treatment.
I was afraid. I was afraid that I’m going to gain all the weight back and more. I was afraid that I am going to be fat. All these things needed to be talked through. Oh and we talked there.
I met with many girls that had awful problems; problems that I don’t know if they ever got rid of. (There was a girl in my room whose parents had started teasing her while she was kid (that she was fat and so on), and when she was 14 she had both anorexia and bulimia, not a single normal word came out of her mouth anymore and the way she looked at you, there was no emotions left).
I know I am free now. But sometimes I still pay the price.
After 3 weeks I went home. I knew already then that my hospital time wasn’t for my bad. It was for me to learn how to eat again. And it dealt with problems, deeper problems. You know, eating disorders isn’t the problem, the real issues are deeper. It is just the result of the problem. So I mean it’s the same with cutting, or alcoholism and drug addicts. These things are the result of some other problems. So believe me when I say this, dealing with the real issues might be the hardest things ever…
It took me 1 whole year to gain the needed 15 kilos with the same eating I started at the hospital. And it took me 1,5 years to get my period back.
Yes, there are days when I don’t like the way I look. I stand in front of a mirror and think bad thoughts. There are days when I hate compliments. I don’t know how to receive them. But I eat. I eat like I didn’t in these 2,5 years. I love food like I said in the beginning of this story. And I have never stopped loving. 59 kilos is so much better than 44. I know so you better believe me!
I can still be a control freak. I have noticed that whenever I have some harder times in my heart, in my life, I lose appetite. And then I start losing weight as well. It is hard for me. I am not saying that I am still practising eating disorder habits but I am a woman. Women in this world face all kinds of challenges. Starting with magazines and ending with Facebook. You see, the thing is that this world dictates us how we should look and what we should eat. But God says to me and you: All beautiful you are, my darling; there is NO flaw in you! And He means it. It is not just a saying. Oh cmn, if God didn’t want me to know I’m pretty He would not have put this scripture in the Bible. Right?
I love saying to my girls how lovely they are. How beautiful they are, because they are. I love saying to young woman that they don’t need to look love from wrong places and find help from some bad addictions. Eating disorder is an addiction, sad, isn’t it?I know that this writing isn’t perfect. In many places it is all over the place, but I don’t care. I care that maybe someone is reading this and finds some help, some comfort. You know, there is a way out. I am a good example of that.
And to finish, I mean, I wouldn’t be here without God. So many people go to search help from weird and wrong places. Don’t do that. Ask Him to show you the way out. He will. He is a loving father.
I love u, my friend. Thanks for reading, thanks for not judging me for what I’ve done.

The Worship

Wedding

...invitations.
Yes, Im already making them. I just feel like Im gonna get a job starting January (ok, nothing is sure, I havent even applied anywhere, I just would like to have a job...) and I probably wont be having so much free time then anymore. So Im making a lot of stuff now already. Including wedding invitations. Im making them myself and thats why it takes tons of time. I have made 20 by now and still 25 or so to go. + non of the cards have anything inside yet coz some of the details arent fixed. So no info inside. just empty cards which bytheway are dropdeadgorgeous. I must say Im totally loving them. And I know Bible says that dont applaud to yourself, let someone else do it... but this time I somehow just like my own work. :)
Oh and we´re gonna have a FATHERS HEART CONFERENCE in 3 days in Rakvere. SO be there or you´re not my friend anymore. Ok, JK! :D
Love you :)

Constant stomachpain

Crap. I can even say the s word but dont want to. Oh. Why is it always before something I am about to do or some event, or a trip or...
Stomachpain.
For 3 days now.
Went to bed around 11 yesterday with the idea of sleeping. Ok, stomach was hurting a bit, tried to ignore it. Then around 2 o clock the pain was unbearable, took a painkiller. And then woke up dad and ended up in an ambulance. FUN. They did tests for 2 hours and then sent me home, coz nothing was found. Was suppose to go back today, but seriously I have had enough of these doctors in Paide. I might go to Tartu, to get some tests done there. Why is it hurting, I mean its not normal. Right? :/

I must be going nuts

Im loosing myself here. Seriously. I need a job. I need to do something that makes me happy. I know there is no way Im going to find a job at a time like this, but starting January Im hoping for something new in my life. Im so wanting to go to Tartu already to my friends and Timo. And Im going crazy because of that.
Im going to buy some stuff tomorrow so I could at least make some handycraft and be happy with this. I have 3 free days this week left and I need to do something with these days coz today I am just... Oeh no words needed.
And of course The Wedding. I mean I hope I wont be this panicking bride who wants everything to be P.erfect. Yes. I hope it works out without me going crazy even though it feels like I am already. Watchin pics every day online... And having thousands of ideas but not really knowing what will work, what not. I seriously wish I could go to Tallinn or Tartu with some friends and go through all the wedding shops and find a dress that would fit perfectly so at least this one HUGE thing would be done.
Jup. Thats me at the moment. A big mess that wants to get out. I love home and everything but seriously, it feels like cage at some point.

How...

...God blesses!

Went to Finland last week on Friday and came back this Wednesday. It was a great time (of course every trip has its bad moments and so did mine) and I had a lot of things happening to me.
Since I was babysitting Ester just before the trip for 2 weeks I got a little money from my parents. Ab 100 Euros. So I did buy a new winterjacket and some little stuff for me and Timo. And so the 100 Euros was gone by the end of the trip. But not really. Here is the thing. I still have that 100 Euros now. U ask me how? I will tell you.

2 people, both of them, decided to bless me with 50 Euros... And so in the end it feels like no money was spent but somehow I have new clothes in my closet... How? God provides.

I put this 100 E into my wedding envelope. I love my wedd envelope. It has about 250 Euros already and all of it has been a blessing from friends... I love how God provides.

God blesses also in other ways. Through encouraging words ("You have a beautiful voice, you have a blessed voice, a strong voice")... through beautiful and long hugs (people crying on your sholder because they feel the love of God through you)... Through gifts (recieved some good gifts during the trip) and through His word and worship.

I am a blessed woman. Im getting married. I have a home now. Even though I still dont have a job Im blessed. Blessed to be where I am. I do believe that coz when the storms come I have something to hang on to!

My wedding planning is sometimes driving me crazy. I love it and I dont love it sometimes. I love the detail stuff, finding things, I hate the money side... I guess every bride and groom have gone through the same hate/love relationship.

Its a bit strange to plan a wedding at a same time with your sister, but good also. You can share thoughts and ideas and... I love Vaarika. I LOVE that both of us are gonna get married in the coming year. Wow, its gonna be KIRSIKA PAPPE and VAARIKA MACDONALD then. :D How weird? :)

Alright.

SO

If u read my blog, please leave a note here coz I really so much want to know who in the world are coming here... since I have this add here where I can see all these countries and places from where ppl visit my blog, I mean you are so many... who are you? :D haha

When Im bored in 3 days!

Ester :)

Küsisin siis Essult, et kust sa nii pruunid silmad said? Ja tema vastu : Jumal andis! Ja siis joonistas edasi...
Ester armastusest: Seda et ma armastat emmet ja tema süda on punane ja et meie perekonna süda oleks punane! :)
Essu nali nr.2. Armastan ju meie perekonda. ISEGI Timot armastan! :D

Ester

Essu hakkas täna kell 7:50 rääkima, et tema tahab multikaid vaatama tulla. Ja tuleme siis elutuppa ja ma panen arvuti tööle... ja kell on 7:00... SHOOT! Tegelikult nii ju ongi, sest oli kellakeramine. Oeh, kuidas ma ei mäletanud. Ja multikaid ka ei tule mingi enne kahte tundi. Päris tore!
Homme on FB! Eks ma annan sis ülevaate, kui mitu kirja jms jura mul seal on selle 7 päevaga, kui ma ei ole käinud. A ja ma panen endale piirangud peale. Mingi 30 minutit iga päev, no more! :D
Igal juhul kell on nüüd 7:01 hommikul... vägev

http://weddings.theknot.com/pwp/pwp2/view/MemberPage.aspx?coupleId=5205228278115127&MsdVisit=1 = see minu ja Timi pulmakodukas muide! ;)

Ma vist...

...hakkan vanaks jääma. Olen terve reedese päeva telekat vaadates veetnud. Stupid huh? Ärkasin kell 7.16, kui Essu minu kaissu tahtis pugeda ja siis pidime juba üles tõusma, et ta kella kaheksaks lasteaeda saada. Selline hommik ja päev siis. Minu reede.
Minu reedeõhtu aga tuleb huvitavam natuke. Toon kohe varsti Essu koju ja siis teen talle süüa ja siis hakkame joonistama, multikaid vaatama ja siis tuleb pesu aeg ja panengi ta tuttu. Ja nii suht iga päev.
Ühesõnaga terve nädal on veel ees ja siis lõpeb mu 2 nädalat lapsehoidja tööd. :)

4 days

Now it has been 4 days. I decieved today for 1sec. I just clicked on FB page to see how many letters and notifications... 5 letters and ab 20 notifications. I am getting unpatient :D On monday I get to read all this stuff then. Not fair. Hahaha.

3 days

Ive been 3 days without FB... Going crazy, seriously! :D I mean its like I want to know whats going on there. And Ive pressed a few times accidentally on FB page and then it clicked that Im fasting... haha... So I still havent been there really! So I mean in the beginning of next week I probably will have like 50 new notifications or more. Addicted. I know. :)

:D

Emo lõppegu.
Hästi. Läbi. :)
Teen Feissbuki paastu. Päris igav on nüüd!!! :D

so...

...here is the thing.

Im tired. Im tired of some stuff in my life. Im tired of having no fire. Tired of telling not the whole truth about my heart-condition. And tired of people not caring about people. Tired of being at home. Tired of running between places to be in a contact with the people I love.

I am tired of singing songs that have no meaning to me. I do love worship. Thats not what Im saying here. Once Katja told me that she doesnt want to sing if God isnt telling her stuff into her heart. I know what she says. Ive been there AND I am there. I am made to worship. Its just sometimes I am singing songs and actually doesnt mean it... Have you heard JASON UPTON song that starts : ... tired of telling You You have me, when I know You really dont... If my silence is more truthful...

Well, thats how I feel. Im tired.

And I feel a huge sadness in my heart. Somehow I feel I have been left alone. I have family. Yes. I have friends. Yes. I have a fiancé. Yes. BUT all of them are going on with their lives. And Im sitting here. with no changes. NO fire in me to go on.

Yes, I do wait Fathers Heart Conference in Rakvere. And I know it wont be just another conference. It will be a place of healing.

And I miss my friends constantly. Living in Tartu was easier. At least I had them when I needed them and even when I didnt need them for any certain reason, I still had them close. Now I have to drive 1,5 hours to see any friends at all. It makes me sad and lonely.

Oh and one more thing. I think way too much. Thoughts of sadness, lonelyness and something that I cant say here.



I need a change.



Oh. And 2 weeks at home with Ester and Morri. Not helping a bit.

Vihm

Sajab. Nii mugav on toas olla. Tean, et pean õhtul õue minema, sest 5-6 ajal läheb mul buss tartusse. Armastan Tartut, sest Tartus elavad mu kallid sõbrad. Ja hetkel ka mu Tim. :)
Aga enam ei armasta kottide pakkimist. Armastan hetke, kus juba kohal olen, aga mitte hetke, kus peab alles minema hakkama, bussidega jamama ja kõige selle eest ka maksma. Tartus käimine ei ole odav. 180 EEK edasi-tagasi + tartu linnaliinide piletiraha + toit! Ehk siis ikka läheb. Olen paar päeva seal ja tean, et 500 eek on läinud. Ja seda on veel miinimum-öeldes.
Jään esmaspäevast 2ks nädalaks Estriga koju. Ema-isa lähevad Soome sssõpradele külla ja kogudustesse teenima.
Olen kuidagi sellises ootavas seisus viimasel ajal. Ootan konverentsi. Ootan Vaarika tagasi tulekut. Ootasin emme terveks saamist. Ootan pulmi. Ootan veel midagi... Kogu aeg ootan ja ootan. Mis siis ikka...

Vali Vabadus

4 years ago. My graduation. The time I was set free.

So I did it. I gave lectures about eating disorders. 5 times telling my story isnt easy. I didnt cry or anything, it was just a bit weird. Seriously, how do you tell girls that you didnt had your period for 2-3 years and your weight was just 44 kilos when you were 18 years old. Not nice things or not comfortable things.
SO I sat there on my first lesson on Monday and I had all kinds of thoughts in my head. WHAT should I tell them, where should I start. I know, Im gonna be more clever next time, Im gonna make some internet stuff to show them and some powerpoint stuff and some keywords to myself because in so many times I lost where I was going. But all of them listened. Not one of them looked bored. Because it was MY STORY. My story of freedom. How He set me free.
Some of them had questions. Some of them didnt say anything. BUT I said something to all of them. I didnt tell them how they HAVE to live their lives. I just told them how beautiful they looked and how this world is messing that up. How everything around us tells us what we have to look like and what measures we have to have. BUT we have a choice to make. We can choose to go into this addiction (eating disorder is like any other addiction) or we can choose to stay the way we were made and maybe do a little sport instead.

I love my God, my Daddy, who set me free 4 years ago so I could be me today. I love that I am engaged now. I love it. I love that I have a wedding to attend to next year on the 4th of June. How great is that? Hah? :)
I love that I can eat and pray and love (even though I disliked the movie)! :)

Mixer and blender

Since so many things have been going on I decided to write a blog about it.
My mom.
I love my mom dearly. She is one of the most amazing person in my life since she gave me life when nobody else wanted me. She carried me for 9 months and she gave birth to me. I love her. And now something is causing her to stay in bed for days. Its been 5 days now since she collapsed. Wow. It is crazy. Its the first day today when she is able to go to the toilet with the help of my dad. And she ate my macaroni and cheece. Which made me happy. I have been home now helping my dad to take care of home, Ester, mom and Mr. Morrisson. It is not an easy job. And first time in my life I realize that the job my mom has been having here at home as a MOM... well I put it sofly: IT IS CRAZY. I am tired after 5 days. And imagine my mom, 5 years! 5 YEARS...
I pray that my PAPA will heal her. Every inner part of her life...

Eating disorder.
I am going to Põltsamaa tomorrow. I was asked to give 5 lectures about eating disorders in a local school. I am thankful for this opportunity and in a same time I am scared. I have never talked to teenager girls about this stuff. I have prayed to God for Him to give me opportunities but this is the first time Im really doing something to influence the youth today. AND I am thankful just a bit scared.
I realized yesterday that Im not gonna tell them what to do and what not to do. I am called to tell my story, my testimony. This was my life and now Im passing it on. I am excited.

Timo.
I miss Timo. He is working nowadays. He has a job in this cafe in Tartu called CAFE TRUFFE. And I must say Im a bit jelaous. I know plaplapla, jelaousy is not good in any ways, but I mean he is handsom and these kind of cafes... shalala kabumm... He has gotten 2 mobile numbers already from pretty girls... Who wouldnt be jelaous? Anyway I am. Ok, just a bit... Because I know he loves me me me. ;) ;)
We are getting married next year on the 4th of June. The date is official now. :) And am I happy or am I happy?
I am a planning freak. Yes. I am watching pics and thinking of what to have and what not to have, every single day. I am already looking forward for the 2 days Im not home next week... :D But I love it, I mean I can dream and I know my daddy in heaven will fulfill these dreams. :)

What next?
I have no idea because I just dont. I know that right now Im staying home helping my parents as much as possible. I love them and Im gonna be around as much as they need me. They dont have a job now and so dont I.
I know Im gonna get married next year but as for so far... God knows. :)

Bye

Huvitav

Ma olen viimasel ajal Jumalale mõelnud. Ja küsinud mõttes, et kuidas Ta saaks minu lugu kasutada. Kasutada nii, et ka teised sellest kasu saaksid...
Ja Jumal vastas. Sain üleeile kõne Põltsamaa noortejuhilt, kes küsis kas ma tahaksin sinna kooli minna loengut andma teemal TOITUMISHÄIRED. Ja ma ei hakanud edasi küsima, lihtsalt ütlesin JAH. Sest kui ma ise olen Jumalalt võimalust palunud ja tema on mulle võimaluse andnud, siis... Ok, pean tunnistama, et natuke kardan, sest ei ole kunagi ju mittekristlaste ees sellest rääkinud. Ja pean Isalt tarkust paluma... Et kuidas ja millest peaks rääkima. Kas kõigest või osaliselt... Aga ma ütlen, ole teinekord oma soovidega ettevaatlik, need lähevad täide! ;)

Olen Mustvees praegu. Naudin sügist. SIIN ON SÜGIS NII ILUS. Ma ei saa õuest silmi ära... Lihtsalt nii ilusad värvid ja sügavsinine Peipsi on õue peal... Huh, armastan siin olemist. Selline tunne nagu aeg on seisma jäänud ja midagi hullu ei pea tegema. Ja see tunne on hea.

Emmel-issil ka rahu ja rööm südames. Neil on Isa pere, kes neid toetab palves ja südmes ja sõpruses. Ja neil on mingi imelik tuur praegu, hullult mööbeldavad kodus. :D Eemmn, ehk selleks, et aega parajaks teha? :D

Olgu. Ilusat sügist, mu kallid musid ja nupsud :D

What is you passion?

Live your dream, and wear you passion.

A visitor

We have a visitor with us for some days. And no one expected these kind of news.
Last night we found out the reason for her visit from Canada.
They decided to reduce one team from drama ministry that my parents have been doing for 12 years or so... and that team is my parents. They will take away the car in the morning which leaves us carless and... My family´s world has turned upside down. And I must say I cried myself to sleep last night. Its going to be a little tough times now. So if you have some time, pray for them. Pray that God would provide and give everything necessary. Everything. I love Daddy God and I still want to trust Him in my family situations...
Its 7.31. a.m and Ive got no sleep thoughts anymore.

Thank You

Thank You Daddy that You have delivered me from anorexia.
That You have set me free so I could live and glorify You!

Pagar

Mulle võite järgmine kord pagarimütsi kinkida sünnipäevaks vms... Ma muud ei tee kui küpsetan, shokolaadi küpsiseid, soolaseid pirukaid, magusaid kooke, saiakesi. Ja siis sööme tavaliselt need ise rõõmsalt ära ka. Ja mitte ainult, viimati tegin ise jäätist, mis muidugi ei olnud nii hea, kui ma lootsin, sest põhikomponent oli vahukoor, mis mulle üldse ei maitse !!! Seega küpsetamise juurde kavatsen ma siiski jääda... :)
Kodus ei olegi eriti palju teha ju, vahel käin Morriga õues, vahel koristan, vahel magan, vahel teen süüa... Ja Timo on ka veel viimaseid päevi siin, siis läheb Tartusse ära, ametlikult tööle! Whuuheei. :) Ja minust. Otsin jätkuvalt tööd, usun, et Jumalal on parim. Olen lubanud Essut veel oktoobris hoida, mis paneb mulle kohustuse oktoobris kodus olla! Tark tüdruk! :D
Igal juhul... Pagar Kirsi!
;)

:)

"God gave you a sex drive and said it is good! The goal is to learn how to manage it." - Kris Vallotton

puup

Ma ütlesin "kaka" ilusas inglise keeles! Siis ei kõla see nii koledalt...
Otsin tööd, ei käi koolis, kuulan Estri vingumist ja mõtlen, et mis ma tegema pean. Kuhu ma edasi pean minema? Tööd leida ei ole üldse kerge, pidevalt mõtlen, et oleksin pidanud vist Inglismaale lapsehoidjaks minema, aga see poleks lahendus olnud!
Nimelt, täna 2 kuud tagasi me kihlusime Timoga, "time ise a fly"... Ja kuidas ma lähen ära umbes 6ks kuuks lapsehoidjaks Inglismaale? Nii kaugel ju teine. Ja samas kõik, mis ei tapa, teeb tugevaks. Olgu, tunnistan, ma natuke kahetsen. Aga ainult natuke, ok? :)
Vanematega elamisel on omad plussid ja miinused. Söök on tasuta, tuba on tasuta, pesu pestakse ära jne jms! Ja miinused - ma näen peaaegu igapäev oma vanemaid ja kuulan, kuidas ester kisab päris palju... Ja ohkan omaette, et vbl tõesti oleksin pidanud edasi õppima minema ja sellega, mis mulle antud, midagi tegema.
Pulmade kuupäev ei ole ka paigas. Ja loodan, et ühel päeval ikka on paigas (mul on üle pika aja melanhoolitsemisemesituju)... Ehk leiame selle õige päeva, õige koha ja õige...
Kui vaid teaks, mis peale pulmigi saab. Ei tea sedagi.
Vahel tundub, nagu Jumal oleks kadunud kuskile kaugele ja minu siia maha jätnud.
Timo sai tööd! :) Cafe Truffe Tartus. Hetkel on ta kahel proovipäeval käinud ja oktoobri algusest peaks ametlikult tööle saama! ;) Käisin tal seal ükskord külas ka, päris hea nägi välja (loe, mmmmm)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Ühesõnaga ma ei oska hetkel midagi oodata, sest midagi ei ole lähedal!
Igatsen vaarikat ja sellega lõpetan...
kirss

:)

4 Juuni on käes.
Homme on minu lõpetamine. Elleri kool ongi läbi ja ma ei suuda seda uskuda. 3 aastat täis uskumatuid seiklusi... Ja samas nuttu ja vaeva ja...
Heidy Tamme kontsertid, Vanemuise esinemised, Eller Rhytmhics esinemised, Suur Maalritöö, uued lood, solfedzo pisarad, kontsertitel käimine, uued inimesed, harmoonia - mu lemmik, Kaidi armas kõht, lindistamised, Urseli imelik huumor, Vootele abivalmidus, pidev kolimine... Jne jne.
Ja saabki läbi. Pakin asju. Jälle. Seekord, et Türile tagasi minna.
Ja nutt tuleb kurku, sest... kuidagi raske on ju minna jälle.
Ja samas on mul nüüd Timo. Me peame koos otsuseid tegema. Tuleviku suhtes... Ja, koos edasi minema. Koos. Ma olen 4 aastat nii friiking iseseisev olnud, mul on raske kedagi teist usaldada. Ta armastab mind nii palju. Iseseisev Kirsika on ise harjunud asjadega hakkama saama. Aga mis siis ikka. Tuleb teisiti. On teised ajad.
Mul on imekaunis kleit homseks. Ja... huvitav, miks tüdrukute jaoks just need asjad nii tähtsad on? Soeng, meik... Mehed käivad pesemas, panevad ülikonna selga kõik. Naised käivad pesemas, teevad meigi, teevad soengu, raseerivad jalad jne jne jne. Ja riideid valivad ka mitu päeva. :D
Olgu, olgu.
Ilusat suve ja mõelge siis mo peale ka. :)

25.Mai

Ma ei suuda uskuda, et käes ongi viimased kaks Elleri nädalat. Mul on veel 1 arranzeerimine, suur lõpukontsert ja 1 lisaaine jäänud... ja ongi kõik.
Käisin eile Timoga kleiti ostma. Mina ütlen, et sain oranzikasroosa kleidi, Timo ütleb, et sain oranzi. Hahah. Ühesõnaga, väga ilus, maitsekas, pidulik ja tagasihoidlik. Mul ei ole kunaaagiiii nii ilusat kleiti olnud! :D Yeah yeah. nii lahe. ma olen õnnelik ja tänulik.
Mul on siiamaani kõik eksamid õnnestunud... solfedzo, harmoonia, eriala tehniline jms... Ja mina veel ei uskunud. Selle asemel muretsesin. Kogu aeg muretsen. Ma olen murekoll vahepeal. Ja see on kole. :/ Aga Jumal on ustav olnud ja tõesti mind aidanud, sest ma ise oleks murdunud juba.

Ja siis ongi varsti suvi käes. 5 Juuni on mu lõpetamine. Ja siis on tühi maa. Nagu peaaegu täiesti tühi ja ma ei teagi, mis saama hakkab ja ma päris kardan seda. (mäletad, murekoll...)
Kas minna Ameerikasse, kas jääda Timoga Eestisse? Mida mu süda tahab?
Ma pean ausalt ütlema, et olen veidi väsinud. Väsinud inimestest, kelle arvates inimesed, kes puhkavad või kes ei tee nii "väärtuslikku" ja "töökat", on rumalamad. Ja kelle arvates on jura, kui ma edasi õppima ei lähe. Aga ma ei taha äkki minna ja mis siis? Kas ma olen selle pärast halvem? Arvatavasti ei ole ju...

Ja samas koju on veidi raske minna tagasi. Eks ikka väike hirm on sees, et mis saama hakkab. Ja samas ma olen 23 aastane... Võibolla oleks mõtekas sügisest tööle aastaks minna? Raha teenida ja siis kuskile minna...? :) Ma ei teagi.

Edu teile kõigile. Nautige suve... ja olge tänulikud. Meil on kõik olemas ja me ei pea millestki puudust tundma.
:)

1 päev

Ja järgi on veel 1 päev Isa Süda konverentsini. Mul süda igatseb midagi näha ja samas olen ma kuidagi väsinud. Ma palun jõudu, et ikka jaksaksin 5-l koosolekul laulda. Olen mitu päeva siin väikest haigust põdenud, aga Jumal on mu terveks teinud juba. Kurk on kõige olulisem, mis peab terve olema!
Kooli lõpuni on alla kuu jäänud. wow. Mõned eksamid ja ongi läbi. Vahel on nii raske uskuda, et peale kolme aastat ongi kõik. Eller saab läbi. Ei ole enam Urselit ja Tartut siis... Kuidagi imelik üldse mõelda nii. Aga eks siis hakkavad uued tuuled puhuma ja südamesse asju sosistama. Jah :)

Nautige oma igapäeva, meie ei pea tegelema söögi otsimisega prügimägedelt ja jalas kandma vanu saapaid ja heal juhul pükse, meie ei pea näritud madratsitel magama ja lootust otsima, meile on see kätte antud juba. Palun Jumalalt, et ta hoiaks armsaid Haiti lapsi, kes on kodutud kõige laastatuse tagajärjel, mis seal toimunud on!

Miks...

...sa tahad olla keegi teine?

Sa vaatad pilti, kus seisab ilus tüdruk, seljas ilusad riided, käes ilus kott, jalas ilusad kingad, käekõrval ilus poiss, selja taga ilus auto, auto taga ilus maja, maja taga ilus meri ja mere taga ilus päike.
Ja sa tahad olla ise see ilus tüdruk.

Sa vaatad pilti, kus seisab ilus tüdruk, seljas ilus pesu, pesu all ilus keha, keha taga ilus mees, mehe taga ilus tuba, toa sees ilus mööbel.
Ja sa tahad ise olla see ilus tüdruk.

Ja siis järsku saad sa aru, et sina ei ole see ilus tüdruk. Ja sa mõtled, et sina ei ole väärt seda, mis temal on. Sa mõtled, et miks sinule ei ole antud sellist keha. Miks sinu tuba ei ole nii ilus. Miks sul ei ole nii ilusaid riideid. Ja miks peavad sinule sellised juuksed olema. Ja üleüldse, naeratada sa ka ei oska. Hoopis hirnud nagu hobune.

Ja nii päevast päeva ja aastast aastase sa vingud oma keha, oma juuste, oma auto, oma maja, oma mehe, oma ELU üle. Ja selle asemel, et olla tänulik oma keha, oma juuste, oma auto, oma maja ja oma mehe üle, sa vingud. Muudkui vingud ja unistad kellestki teisest. Et sina oleksid keegi teine ja kõik oleks midagi muud.

Ma kahtlen, et see on Jumala plaan. Ma kahtlen, et Tema tahaks, et ma kogu aeg vinguksin. Ma kahtlen, et Ta on röömus, kui mina olen kurb. Ma usun hoopis, et Ta armastab mind nii väga, et enam rohkem ei saakski. Ma usun hoopis, et Ta on andnud mulle parima keha, parima naeratuse ja parima poisi. Ja parimad vanemad, parima kodu, parima tuleviku.

Ma ei taha olla see tüdruk, kes tahab olla keegi teine tüdruk!

http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=31898367

Mul on...

...kriis.
Ma laulan liiga kõvasti ja mitte üldse nii hästi. Ja siis mul ongi kriis. See ei ole ju hea, kui nii on. Mingi tähelepanuvajadus? Või lihtsalt harjumus...

Im in love...

Coz He is in love with me. The Creator of all the Universe. And there is NOONE who can convince me otherwise with all the theology in this wicked and fallen world. Maybe I cant always say something when people start to question ab my faith... But I realized one thing today. The creator of this beautiful world is my creator as well and He loves the way I laugh, the way I walk, the way I smile, the way I talk and even the way my body is built, duuuh, of course, coz I am made by Him. He has said in His word that I am fearfully and wonderfully made... Doesnt that say already everything? No further questions... No doupts. He has started to talk to me about my life, about the way He created me... That I was no mistake, no outsideofmarriageborn (even though it is like that by outside standards). That He had planned me and wanted me. whoah, I have "known" it all my life, but believed it? Nope. But I do now. I know He has never forsaken or abandon me coz He loves every bit of me. Every cell in my body has been put together by Him, the Father of all the Fathers and Mothers. I guess I dont have to make any sense right now. Well, I dont really care. IF being a mess helps me to get closer to Him, then I might wanna do it. And I think that I want Him to write me life story. Every aspect of this life. Im sure its not going to happen by snapping my fingers or rolling my eyes and sitting on a seat waiting... But really giving. Giving a bit by bit to Him, the LOVE.
whoooah, and love... HE IS LOVE, do u get it? If He is love then He also wants to take care of my love life, He wants to write it. AND u bet He is gonna, coz it is wonderful. If He is love then He should know all about love... and oooh when people get it one day, the world will be a place where little 12 year old girl dont get preagnant by 14 year old boy... and 20 year old girl wont be heartbroken by tens and tens of relationships she has had in the past... and 25 years old boy wont be looking for another girl to have sex with but someone to give his heart to... or even better, GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would love to be the one.. ooo actually I can say it with pride, I am pure sexually. and IM proud of it... but more then that Im thankful to God for that. I can say one day to the man Im getting married with that I did it, I waited for you to ask my hand, to pursue my heart and say: Im ready to give myself to you! And he can take my hand, put a ring on my finger and take me to the althar. Is it a stupid fairy-tale? NOPE. I doupt it. It is my beautiful fairy-tale, but in real life. I know storms will come and surely Im not a saint. :D Haha, Nothing like Jesus. But Jesus had times of struggle and pain and hurt. He was a man of God. And Im gonna be a woman of God, o no, I already am but I have just lost it in the middle of storms and worldy thinking. crazy. I was once called crazy-cherry... now I know why... I think it has a twist on it... You can look on it and say... crazy, lunatic, stupid.. But I can say, crazy enough to dare to say to the world: Im different. I am tired of living a half-christian half-world way of life. T.I.R.E.D. Do u hear me? Tired? Are u not tired? I sure am... I am tired of always wanting everybody´s approval when I actually need Gods opinion and... Im tired of being the girl to everyone that is flirty and ... whatever. I want to live a life to my daddy. the daddy that loves His little girl enough to write HER story for her and only her. Thats the story I desire to have. Tired of this world. The bible says Im in this world but not from this world....
I cant stop. :D Something is going on inside of me... it bubbles up and doesnt want to end. It started a month ago and... is continuing.
stop cherry and breathe... its a new start.

Fathers Heart

love

EVE WAS NOT TAKEN OUT OF ADAM´S HEAD TO TOP HIM, NEITHER OUT OF HIS FEET TO BE TRAMPLED BY HIM, BUT OUT HIS SIDE TO BE EQUAL WITH HIM, UNDER HIS ARM TO BE PROTECTED BY HIM, AND NEAR HIS HEART TO BE LOVED BY HIM.

Kas...

...igas halvas ikka on midagi head?
Jooksin eile koolist kahe ajal koju ja esimese asjana wc-poti kohale. Terve päeva oksendasin ja kui ei oksendanud, siis tegin midagi muud. Ei maini siin igaks juhuks seda sõna. Täna on ka imelik olla. Mul on riisi, banaani ja vee dieet.
Seega küsimus, kas igas halvas ikka on midagi head???

Imelik päev

Täna on üle pika aja üks imelik päev selja taga... Tõusin hommikul pool 8, et kooli minna. Sain õnneks Meelikesega (kes veel ei tea, siis ma kolisin ära Maranata majast. elan sõbranna juures nüüd!) kooli juurde.
11-st oli HALLI proov, kuhu peaaegu mitte keegi ei jõudnud, v.a. mõned ustavad ja kell 12.00 pidin stuudiosse minema, kus oli valge ja musta lindistamine. Jõudnud stuudiosse umbes 1-2 ajal, selgus, et me ei lindista, sest neil oli vaja alles instrumente sisse mängida ja et kolmapäeval on kõikide osade laulmine jne jne...Sain autoga kooli juurde tagasi, kus tahtsin harjutama minna. Klassi polnud.
Ja siis kõndisime Vootelega bussi peatusesse, kust tema läks oma koju ja mina astusin bussi peale, et oma koju minna. Olles poole maa peal (Rimi juures umbes, seal silla juures), tundsin südames, et peaks kotti vaatama, kas võtmed on ikka kaasas. Polnud. Topelt jess.
Vaja kesklinna tagasi minna, sest Meelikesel olid võtmed. Bussi pealt maha, kõndisin kesklinna (kes veel ei tea, siis on täna terve päeva tuisanud jms) ja läksin teise bussi peale, et Meelikese töö juurde minna, kuna temal olid ju võtmed. Jõudsin siis ta juurde, ja sain võtmed. Läksin jälle bussi peale, et kesklinna minna, et kesklinnast teine buss võtta ja koju sõita. Kell 4 olin kodus. 2st hakkasin tulema ja 4 olin kodus. Huvitav. Kodus läks kõht tühjaks, ja mõtlesin putru keeta, kuna muud polnud. Meelikesel on uus pliit ja muidugi, piim kees üle ääre. JESS. Kraapisin ja nühkisin, nii et näost lilla.
Minu päev.
tänan tähelepanu eest.

Ooh

How I WANT YOU GOD. How I need You.

WOW

Olin vaheaja viimase nädala Soomes konverentsil. ISA SÜDA. Väga hea aeg oli... emme-issi-Essu ja Timoga. Pole sellise seltskonnaga veel reisinudki. Aga igal juhul. Nagu traditsioon, tuleb peale head aega mingi rünnak või mitu. Igal juhul, sõitsime pühap. õhtul peaaegu kraavi. Avarii. Isa paiskus autoga teelt välja keset Helsingit ja kui autol poleks rauda ees olnud, oleksime hullemini crashinud. Tänu Jumalale hoidmise eest.
Ja eile... Tulin Tartu tagasi. Kõik oli must, räpane, külm... köök oli koristamata, suured prügikotid, pliit söögiga kokku mätsitud ja kinni kiilunud ja kui ma pesu pesema panin ja mõned tunnid hiljem välja võtma läksin, oli pesumasin vett täis, seeeebivett, ja pidin hakkama käsitsi tervet masinatäit pesu üle pesema. Ma armastan vahel Tartut. Ja mu kõrvaltuppa kolib mees, kes on kurt. Kui palju enam saab viltu minna. Terve eilse õhtu klopsis ta kõrvaltoas mingi haamriga. Panin muusika siis mängima ja hakkasin koristama. Koristasin kõik ära ja käisin veel Vaarikal külas (ega teda ka rünnakud ei jätnud) ja tulin tagasi ja koristasin edasi. Ja internet ka kõigub. :) Ja kõige selle keskel mõtlen ma, et mul on vähemalt katus pea kohal, ja ma tean, et ma saan hakkama. Samamoodi, kui minu pere saab hakkama. Sest meie tugevus ei ole meis enestes. Meie tugevus on Jumalas. Ma ei usu, et siin on koht, kus ma masenduma peaksin. Ok, koolis on ka mõned jamad... Võibolla peaksin nutma hakkama, aga ei taha. Enam ei taha.
Kui kõik hästi läheb, saan Jaanuari lõpuks siit minema. PALUNPALUNPALUN.
Olgu, kooli minek. Pole 3 nädalat käinud selles majas. 18-Detsember sõitsin koju ja täna on 12.Jaanuar. :)

02.01.2010

Ilusad numbrid täna. Juba uue aasta teine päev... Nädal veel vaheaega jäänud, ja jälle kooli. Ma ei oskagi midagi õelda. Käisin uut aastat Mustvees vastu võtmas, tegin Timile üllatuse. Ta nägu nähes oli mul 100% hea meel, et läksin. See oli nii armas!
Nüüd olen kodus tagasi ja teisipäeval tuleb järgmine tripp. Lähen Soome vanematele järgi, seal mingi konverents vms. Käisin eile Tartukodus läbi, pidin ära külmuma... ja siis jooksin Türi bussile ja siin ma nüüd olen jälle. Ma armastan oma kodu. Siin on Morri ja Maria. :) Ja oma armas tuba... ja telekas (millest ma muidugi HULLULT hoolin, haha) ja külmkapp alati süüa täis! :) Ja Maria, kes näljasele vahel süüa teeb, nt eile õhtul. Armas.
Vaheaeg on kiirelt möödunud. Käisin eelmine nädal Pärnus veekeskuses onu perega ja Timiga... Ja jäin rohkem haigeks, aga suva, nüüd olen juba terve. Nats nohu, mis varsti niikuinii kaob!
Mis veel, tahtsin eile hullult Tartusse jääda paariks päevaks ja sõpru näha jne... aga kuna nii külm oli, kõik olid välja kolinud ja kütmata. Kõrvaltuppa ehitab üks mees tuba endale praegu, ta on kurt. Mul on seal veel pool aastat jäänud, ehk saame ikka hakkama.
Ja ja jaaaa... Vahel, kui ma blogi kirjutan, on tunne, et ma ei oska siia midagi kirjutada. Juhe on koos.
tsau.

J

VAHEAEG

Olen kodus. Väga ilus. Mmmmh, mis ma siis teinud olen... Neljapäeval, kui tulin, viisime Vaarikaga isa välja sööma. Ta sai meil reedel 40 aastaseks ja me ei osanud midagi targemat välja mõelda ja niikuinii pere poolt kingiti uus Jaguari lõhn, siis me tegime veidi teistmoodi. Mmm, Sämmi grill. Hea.

Reedel oli suur juubel. Andrus tuli 3 ajal siia ja siis saime harjutada natuke... ja õhtul kogunes ligi 50-60 isa sõpra TKMK koguduse majja ja siis mina-Andrus tegime muusikat... sõime jms. Selline rahulik ja hea õhtu. Palju Õnne isale!

Laupäeval käisime isaga jõulukuuske ostmas Paidest. Ühtlasi sattusime kogemata Elioni poodi, kust isa kogemata endale uue läpaka ostis ja mina kogemata tasuta telefoni sain. :D

Eile oli kiriku päev. Türi koguduses oli eile jõulukontsert, kus ma see aasta kuulajaks olin. Päris huvitav kogemus on olla ka kõrvalvaataja rollis.

Õhtul hoidsin oma pisiõde, kes ei olegi enam nii pisike. Ema-isa käisid Võhmas kontserti andmas ja Maria läks Paide. Käsime Essuga õues kelgutamas, tegime piparkooke glasuuriga ja vaatasime multikat, panime puzzlet kokku... Vahepeal 1 karjus ja teine ei saanud aru, miks 1 karjub. Nii on meil Estriga.

Täna pakib Kirss jõulukinke... Ja õhtul läheme emmega Estri jõulupeole.

Kuni neljapäevani pole mul mitte ühtegi plaani. Siis on koguduse jõulupidu, ja 25ndal tuleb Vaarika ka koju ja saame kodus tähistada.

26. tuleb Timo siia (niiii hea) ja siis 27. läheme anname Kabalas väikese jõulukontserti! :)

Ja vaheaeg kestab mul koku 3 nädalat, mida on kuidagi päääris palju või mis? ;) hehhe

Tsautsau ja mõnusat kelguilma ja suusailma ja jõule ja aastat 2011 teile kõigile!!!

...

Ma ei kirjuta siia mitte midagi.

Ma ei...

...taha kunagi ühtegi suhet ilma rahuta. See sõna, mis ma Taanis sain, ei ole kadunud.
Ja rahu on see, mis määrab kõik. Vahel me peame midagi ära andma, enne kui me selle tagasi saame! Ja kui ei saa tagasi, siis see ei ole kunagi õige olnudki.

:)

Put a FIRE in our bellies and a river in our mouths! We are born to praise YOU!

I cant

sleep.
Ma tahan magada. Olen mitu ööd poolikut und näinud, sest ma lihtsalt ei saa magada. Ja täna oli ikka päris valus põhjus. Mõtlesin, et mu kurk lihtsalt põleb ära... Nii valus oli. Ja nina ka kinni, veel hullem.
Ehk siis tere haigus. Ja ma tahan, et oleks headaega haigus. Aga seekord olen ise süüdi - käisin mitu päeva ilma mütsita. Nii tubli. Kirss, sa ei õpi ka ikka...
Ja täna tegin oma esimese saavutuse üle pika aja, panin suure katla ise küdema. JESS. :)
Aga vist paar päeva kodus siis. Kell on 7 hommikul.

Kuskil sügavamal...

...igatsen ma vahel, et ma ei oleks nii kärsitu. Et ma oskaks ära oodata armastuse, et ma oskaks ära oodata tuleviku. Et ma ei jookseks praegu vastu seina. Elleri lõpp tuleb nii kohutava kiirusega, et ehmatasin ära mõni aeg tagasi. Kolm aastat on kohe läbi. Olles ikka eriti arglik, kui sisseastumiseksamitel käisin ja nüüd end üsna vabalt tundes, olen teine inimene. Tartusse kolimine on mind muutnud. Nii heas mõttes kui halvas. Palju uusi sõpru, inimesi mu ümber, täiesti teine keskkond, kus olla... Ja muusika. Muusika on teise tähenduse mu jaoks omandanud. Hommikuti ärkan, et muusikat tegema minna. Et kirja panna, et laulda, et pähe õppida, et uusi asju teada saada... Ja vanu unustada...

Olen kaks nädalat ülikorralikult koolis käinud. Otsustasin ikka ära lõpetada. Vahepeal tulid kõik mõtted läbisegi pähe, et läheks minema. Võtaks akadeemilise jne jne. Ja seejärel sain aru, et millal pärast ma Elleri siis ära lõpetaksin? Arvatavasti mitte kunagi. Kuigi see aasta on olnud nagu ta on... Ei ole mul aeg alla anda. Ja lõpetada midagi, mida ma alustasin, on ikka õige otsus. Muusikali esietendus oli ka suurepärane. Eks alati annab paremini teha, aga meie tegime ka väga hästi. :) Usun, et kui sul on aega kaks nädalat, et midagi kokku panna, ja sellest tuleb midagi head, siis on olnud hea tiim ja koostöö...

Igal juhul lähen nüüd arranžeerimistundi. Tsautsautsau.

Kirss.

Suur Maalritöö

2, 6, 7, 14, 15. Detsember Genialistide klubis "Suur Maalritöö". Lähen siis täna mina Urseli tundi laulma ja järsku Ursel ütleb, et kuule Kirss, sinu pilt ajalehes, inglikostüümis ja puha... :) hehe. Ostsin siis Postimehe ja oligi. ;) Nii äge. Olengi kuulus nüüd, oeh, neid 5minuti kuulsusi... :D eksole.
Igal juhul on mul juba nädalaid proovid olnud ja homme õhtul kell 19.00 on esietendus. whuuu... Ma tegelikult päris kardan, et kuidas läheb jms. Ema-isa tulevad ka vaatama, Vaari ja maari... :D
Olgu. Pean nüüd veidi õppima. tsau.

õnnetus

Igakord, kui mul läheb tsipa paremini, tuleb uus asi vana asja peale. Jalg hakkas juba paranema. Koorik oli peal ja ilusti... no öösel kratsisin veidi katki. Ja ostsin täna plaastri, et veidigi saaks väljas käia, mingi jube kalli plaastri. Panin peale. Valesti panin. Nii et pidin suht valusalt ära tõmbama peaaegu kogu nahaga. Uuesti toores haav ja mul pole aimu ka, mis homme saab. Ma pean homme kooli minema ja pärast proovidesse. KUIDAS MA SAAN hakkama, kui kogu aeg midagi juhtub? Ma ei suuda ja ei viitsi ka enam. Ma ei jõua vahel. Ega ma mingi kivikuju pole, kellel kõik alati hästi on.
Kurb Kirss.

Kollane

Meil tuleb varsti muusikal-etendus, kus mina laulan valget värvi.
Ja hetkel olen küll pigem kollane, kui valge. Tegin endale eile Goldrexi külmajooki, sest sain kuskilt külma ja ärkasin hommikul hullu köhaga. Nii, kohe, kui tee valmis sai, kallasin selle endale muidugi peale. sain küll nii palju eest hüpata, et ülespoole ei läinud, aga üks jalg sai põletada. Nahk maas ja mõned villid. Sain täna mingit kreemi ülemiselt naabrilt, ja jalg on nüüd kollane, sest kreem on mõnus kollane. Aga vähemalt leevendab valu ja sain päeval magada. Ja katsetan täna uuesti nende goldrexidega. Jumal, anna armu.
Pidin täna lauluvõistlusel olema. Aga näed siis. Päevad ei ole vennad. Selle asemel vaatasin filmi, lugesin kirjakohti, ja hakkan kohe joonistama. I´ve got the mood. Ma ei saa lihtsalt pükse jalga panna. Hurts too much. Ja kannan siin siis lühikesi pükse. mmmmh. Teist päeva üksi. Vaari käis eile önneks töi süüa. Ja homme tuleb mu Tim. :)
Olgu. Goldrex, here I come.

sometimes

...we already know the answers but we dont want to let go. We know whats right and wrong and we still want to hold on. We keep on pushing until someone gets hurt. Im glad we didnt. Im holding on to You now, so You better keep me in Your hands or I´ll fall and fall bad. Its this season in my life where everything I do seems pointless so its up to You know. Please keep me safe and show me the way. Your way.

Time for an update

J.Conference

Esimene november. Kell on 9:21 ja ma olen üleval, et valmistuda kogudusse minekuks. Pühapäev. Õues on väike lumekirme ja üks ilmajaam ütleb, et -1 kraadi ja teine, et -6 kraadi, kumba siis uskuda? Usume positiivsemat. ;)
Vahepeal on palju toimunud. Väga palju. Kuu ajaga olen end nii palju ära reisinud, et enam ei taha bussijaama näha ka. Timo elab Mustvees, see on Peipsi ääres. Ülimalt ilus koht ja ma saaks seal elamisega hakkama küll, ainult, et minu elu on praegu Tartus. Vähemalt selle kooliaasta lõpuni, ja kes seda teab, mis siis edasi saab. Mul pole aimu ka. Juba ainuüksi eelmise nädala jooksul jõudsin seal 3 korda käia. Mis ei ole iseenesest halb. Tegelikult oli väga hea aeg. Kõik need korrad. Ja kui sa kedagi armastad, siis sa tahad temaga koos olla.
Õnneks tuleb ta täna Tartu, mis on väga hea. :) Läheme mingi seltskonnaga õhtul kinno M.J uut filmi vaatama.
Siis oli vahepeal Jesus Conference. Meeletu aeg. Olin 3 erineva grupiga 3 päeva jooksul 5-6 korda lava peal, nii et järgmise nädalal ütles ursel mu kohta midagi sellist: "Sa laulad nagu naine, kes on aastaid suitsetanud!". Jess, nii julgustav lause oli! :D Aga läks vaid nädal, ja mu hääl taastus. Ja nüüd laulan jälle, nii et vähe pole.
Käisin 2-3 nädalat tagasi Lätis, Riias. Ema-isa tegid seal esimest korda draamat. Nii hea oli. Mina, Maria, ema-isa. Saime suure korteri 4ks päevaks ning lihtsalt nautisime aega koos. Sõime end iga päev lõhki ja käisime proovides. Ja kahel päeval olid etendused. Ütleks, et ma vajasin seda aega. Rohkem, kui ma oleks uskunud. Ma ei uskunud, et peale kahteteist aastat ühe ja sama draama nägemist mulle ikka veel pisarad silma toob. Et näha inimesi altari ees oma elusid Jumalale andmas mind nii puudutab. Pisikesed ja suured koos. Läheks järgmine kord ka, kui mul just samas ajal lauluvõistlust poleks. Aga Tim läheb vist kaasa. hihhhi. Mu vanemate tuleproov tema jaoks. :D JK.
:)
Mismismis veel. Mul ei olnud vaheaega ja enne jõule ei tule ka. Mu kallis tüdruk Tonya tuleb vist Eestisse kaheks nädalaks meie perega jõule veetma. Ja mul on selle üle ainult hea meel. See on niii äge. Mõte sellest, et ma näen tüdrukut, kellega ma aasta aega Taanis Piiblikoolis olin, toob mulle vaid naeratuse näole. My Ukrainian girl. :P
Eelmine nv. käisime Timoga Kehras noortekat tegemas. Oi, tegelikult kõigepealt läksin Mustveesse reede õhtul, siis öösel sõitsime poistega Tallinnasse, mingi 3st jõudsime kohale. Siis laup sõitsime Tallinnast Kehrasse rongiga, öösel Kehrast Mustveesse autoga ja pühapäeval sõitsin Tartusse. Ja nii ma sõidangi. Kogu aeg. Sõidan bussidega. Ma olen varsti bussikirsika. :D haaaa.
Eller. Viimane aasta. Kolmas kursus. Sain mingit preemiat eelmise aasta hea õppeedukuse eest. Olin just eelmine päev Timile rääkinud, et nii, nüüd on jamasti. Mul pole enam raha. Mis nüüd. Vastus: "Usalda Jumalat". Järgmine päev pangaarvel 3500 krooni. Mul polnud enam sõnu. Igal juhul, kui Jumal ka ustav pole, kes siis on? :)
Mul on üks unistus. Lõpetada Eller ja jälle kuskile välismaale minna. Siis juba koos Timoga. Aga mitte Taani... Võibolla DTS.
Ma igatsen oma välismaa sõprade järgi... Chris-Lydia, Barbala, Tonya, Amy... Tahaks näha teid. Ja on veel inimesi, kes elavad kaugel. Alati ei aita see, et noh, küllap ükspäev jälle näeme.
Ja üldse. Ma nüüd lõpetan. Ma pean hakkama end koguduseks sättima. Muidu ma ei jõuagi sinna täna. :)
Ilusat Pühapäeva kõigile! Nautige seitsmendat päeva! :) The Day The Lord has made!

MUstvees

Yeah beibi.
Tegelikult on nii hea. Olen Mustvees Timo juures teist päeva. Nii hea.
Rahulik.
Riisusime täna Timo perega mingi 3 tundi. PRRR. Ja samas oli hullult hea, töökas, mõnus ja mis sõnad veel. Igal juhul päris suure ala riisusime ära, nii et villid kätel ja... Ja söime õunakooki, mis Timo ema tegi. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. päriselt. ja veelkord, kõik koos: mmmmmmm! :)
Ja ma tegin päeval neile süüa. Päris hea tuli. jep.
Ma võikski siia jääda. Päriseks. Hommikul tegin mingi 7 ajal silmad lahti vms ja vaatasin suurest aknast välja, ma ei ole kunagi nii ilusaid värve näinud... Peipsi ääres on nii ilus. Selline hommik, mis lihtsalt jääb mällu. Kahju, et digikat polnud.
Nädalavahetused võiksid kesta kauem, kui kaks päeva. Vist pean homme Tartu tagasi minema. prr. ma ei mõtle sellele. mitte praegu.
:)

chosen

WE ARE A CHOSEN GENERATION; brothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, daugthers and sons, we yearn...