When...

...your heart literally breaks coz you have no idea how to move on with your dreams.
Well. Mine is still here and well and alive but a little bit broken right now. I am here. In Pärnu. For 2 weeks already and its been such a great 2 weeks. And Im starting to settle in. With my life here. Different stuff going on every day. Workwise its good, Im getting used to my colleges and work-system.
But there is this one thing. And thats called music. And I am really struggling to get back on track. To see the bigger picture. To find the joy in music. In worship. In guitarplaying. In writing songs. In finding my own time to do all that. And Im in a need right now. Such a deep need. I have no desire to wake up one day being 70 and realizing I never shared my vision with anyone or that I never did enough to make them come true. That would be just horrible. A nightmare even. I want to step out and soon. I want to believe in my music. In what I am doing. And I want to find that passion again in my doings.
I believe God has a calling for all of us. I believe He has made us with bigger pictures. And the way He sees all of us is pretty much perfect and so beautiful. And He knows my dreams. He really knows them. Coz He has put them there. And right now I want to trust Him. I need to. I cant loose my focus. Non of us should... Found this saying somewhere that if its still in our minds its worth taking the risk. Yes. Thats what I want right now.
BUT as I said to my pastor last night. I am proud of myself. With a heartache I still made the choice to move to Pärnu. I still came and Im here to stay unless I hear otherwise. And only from God. Not everything you should know about me but if there is one thing, then its this: I am proud of myself and God is also proud of me! :)
Love, Kirsi