After

After a death like this you realize how important people, friends, family, your close ones, really are. You realize how much you actually love them and want them near. The thing is my heart aches. I never had a chance to tell him how important he was. How much our friendship meant to me. And how happy I was to know him. I know that writing it all down helps but it doesn't bring him back. What helps is knowing he is safe with my Father in Heaven.

I didn't have a chance to even tell you about my day with Ester coz everything else happened and it was more important at the moment. But I wanna share about that as well.
So on Monday I took my little sis to Tartu coz I really wanted a day out with her. So we went by bus and when we arrived we went to a cafe and then to the cinema. Madagaskar III it was with some weird 3D glasses, uh. I dont get that but anyway Ester loved it even though in the middle of the movie she suddenly realized how much she needs to pee. I didnt let her. :D
Later I took her to eat ice cream in a cafe and on our way back she fell a sleep on my lap. Was a great day with her. She was such an angel all day long. Doesnt happen very often. ;)

Now Im on my way to Finland. Mum+Dad+Ester and a few others. Some sort of camp I promised to help at and then later a little work somewhere with dad. We will see what happens after that. Im off now.

My friend. R.I.P.

The best way to remember a friend who has passed away is to think back to the good memories. The fun shared, the joy in their eyes, the smiles, the jokes...
When I think of Phil I remember how he visited me in Estonia (well, actually it was his second mission trip to EST but still) and my city, how the guys took him to sauna and convinced him that he has to make a move on me so he did and I told him off gently. Makes me smile :) How he brought me a scarf from India and I still wear it, it is my favorite of all the others ever... And I will wear it always thinking of him.
How he sent me to the train-station and waved at me until the train was far far away. And when I think of Phil I remember how I first met him in a small gathering many years ago where a pig was roasted and a friendly face came to introduce himself. And how a friendship came out of it that didn't die due to real letters we sent back and forth...

Phil you will be remembered with a good word and know that you are loved by your friends and family always.
RIP.

Real

Real relationships.
Real food.
Real love.
Real God.
Real faith.

We live in a world of fakes. We see fake relationships, fake food, fake love, fake God, fake faith everywhere. People are hurting people. And people are hurting themselves. People are believing wrong gods and eating fake food, food thats been poisoned by thousands of chemicals. And people think they have faith but all they have is false beliefs and gods. And that makes me sad.
Because Im one of them.
I have been involved with each of these. Making things into gods. Or having relationships that have no friendship for a base. Or eating food thats been bad for my body. And thinking I believe when I really dont.

I dont want that. I dont want any of that.
I want to have relationship where my friends really care for me and I know I can trust them.
I want to eat food thats not been through thousands of factories before it reaches my table.
I want to know what means to really love and be loved.
I want to believe in a God who is real. Who is who He is. God.
I want to have faith when everything else falls apart around me.
And if you look into your heart you know you want the same.
Coz your heart knows the truth.
Even if your mind doesnt.

Girls

Had an interesting evening with Ester. She posed for me like a little princess and I was forced to pose after her orders. It was fun but a little demanding (from her side - haha). Jup, Im training a little photographer here and its good coz she can learn new things, right??! ;)

Oh and thats suppose to be a new color in my hair but heck, nothing new happened. I guess not everyday is suppose to be a change-day! 

Labi, have a great Jaanipäev everybody and enjoy the new day coz its a day The Lord has made! ;)

Focus

Pull yourself together and move on. Self-pity is a dangerous place to linger at. It can make you sick, it can make you feel horrible and down. I had a long refreshing walk last night and after that felt tons better. Im still stuck and confused but I am not gonna let self-pity ruin anything.
I sent in my first CV ever yesterday. I have to say it took me a long long time to do it and when I finally e-mailed it, oh, it felt good. I know I might not get the job, but right now what matters is that Im not just waiting, but actually taking some actions. It might not be the answer and the right job but at least it forced me to finish my CV. :) Sometimes we need a push just like that. To think back at our lives and see the good in it, the bad, see the hand of our Father over our actions and doors that have been opened...
To see things in a new perspective. And see that life is not so bad as it seems sometimes. A bigger picture. Where we wont center around ourselves but put our focus and trust on God. Uh so often Im like, plaplapla, crying, and being miserable just because Im all about me me me me, forgetting about Love, forgetting about God, about His unconditional love for me and how much He wants to be involved in my life. And that my focus should be on Him and then the rest would be given to me.

Anyway. Be blessed on this beautiful Friday and never forget where your help comes from.

...

I had the weirdest day ever yesterday. Woke up, had to take mum to the dentist and then came back home and had a deep nap, was so tired suddenly. Then went to the countryside with my parents to help them but instead felt so bad that I just laid in my little sister´s tent and couldn't get up. We came home around 6 pm and then I went to bed and felt sick. Sick to my stomach and so again, fell a sleep. Woke up a couple of times but couldnt drag myself out from the bed and finally around 11pm went to sleep-sleep. Saw tons of strange dreams and had not so good night, basically was in bed 12 hours straight...

Anyway, I feel tons better today but still this weird feeling lingers over me, dont know what to do with that, hopefully it will pass and I have nothing to worry about.

Have no plans for today yet but probably gonna try to get a job and then go take some sun if my head allows me (oh forgot about the headache, on top of all the other stuff). 

A little bit different post then usually but hey, we all have our good days and bad days.

Kirsi

suvi

Maarja

Tahan Maarja auks ühe blogi siia kirjutada.
Olen viimasel ajal palju mõelnud selle peale, mida me peame tegema, mida me ei pea tegema, kuidas me peame kuhugi jõudma ja miks... Et kelle pärast me teeme seda, mida me teeme ja kuhu me üldse välja tahame jõuda ja kas me tahame?
Ok oli nüüd veidi segane eks. Vot nii segane on ka minu mõttemaailm viimasel ajal.
Sest kui midagi on mulle selgeks saanud, siis on see see:
Me peame asju enda pärast tegema. Maarja lõpetas just 9nda klassi. Ja ta tegi seda kas teadlikult või mitteteadlikult ENDA jaoks. Sellepärast, et temal on seda vaja. Mitte tema vanematel või sõpradel või sugulastel.
Ma tahan uskuda, et asjad, mida ma teen, ma teen enda jaoks.

Ja teine pool minust tahab uskuda, et me teeme asju ka teiste jaoks, teiste pärast. Ma ei käi tüdrukutele anoreksiast rääkimas ainult enda pärast, vaid eelkõige nende pärast. Et nemad leiaksid abi ja lohutust ja teadmist, et on võimalik ka teistmoodi.

Ma olen nii uhke, et Maarja kooli ära lõpetas, sest mingis mõttes on iga lõpp uus etapp meie elus. Ma tulin Walesist ära ja ma olen valmis ootama, sest ma ei taha kuhugile kiirustada ainult teiste pärast. Ma tahan jõuda punkti, kus ma tean, et see, mida ma järgmisena tegema hakkan, on õige. Ja on hea minu jaoks.
Elu ei ole ainult lilled ja uus kleit. Kuid see on oluline, et me tähistaksime, kui kellelgi läheb hästi. Ja Maarja sai hästi hakkama. Väga hästi ja selle eest olen ma tänulik! :) Ma olen õnnelik, kui mu sugulastel läheb hästi. Ja ma olen õnnelik koos nendega.

Ma tahan järgmise sammu teha nii, et ma tean, et ma tean, et ma tean, et see on õige. Ja ma ei kavatse selle pärast midagi teha, et seda OODATAKSE minust. Võibolla ma olen isekas, võibolla olen uhke. Ühte ma tean, ma teen seda enda pärast. :)

Well done, Maarja! :) Im proud of you!

Randid

Ma arvasin, et ma olen ainult natuke imelik, aga tuleb välja, et ma olen päris palju imelik. Kõndisin täna mööda Türi-Allikut ringi, et leida kohta, kus tekk maha visata ja natuke päikest võtta ja tulin sama targalt koju tagasi, sest igal pool olid mingi mehed ees ja noh ma siis ei hakanud. Igaks juhuks. Selle asemel läksin jooksma, ja lõpetasin kuskil lauda juures tantsimisega, sest nii hea muusika oli ipodi peal... Vot.
Selline hommik mul siis. A ja lähen vist varsti tagasi, tekk käes kohta otsima, sest mul on vaja need randid välja päevitada, mis mul lühikestest pükstest nüüd ametlikult on. Jess. ;)
Ütleme siis nii, et kui tahta, siis suudan küll end kätte võtta ja asjalik ka päeva jooksul olla, sest kodus olles võib mugavaks muutuda, kui tööd pole ja ainuke kohustus on Morri eest hoolt kanda ja kodu puhas hoida. Seega pean oma prioriteedid vist uuesti paika panema ja läbi mõtlema, et suvi niisama otsa ei saaks... (:
Ja hommikul sain oma pisikeselt nunnult umbes tuhat musi ja see tegi kõik palju paremaks. Homme saan teda päriselt ka juba kallistada!

Ja sa tule külla mulle, kui sul pole midagi teha, sest siis saame kahekesi mitte midagi teha. :D

Järg paar tundi hiljem:
Leidsin koha. Ja veel millise koha. Selja all olid mõnusad mullahunnikud ja meetri kõrgusel tiirlesid putukateparved, kes kõik mu kehast tahtsid osa saada, aga pidasin 1,5 tundi vastu. Ok, vbl natuke vähem, aga rante jäi vähemaks. See oligi mu eesmärk. Sain hakkama. Ja seda kohta ei tea keegi, ehk siis mind ei nähtud. Hihiihiii. :P

Vahel pead sa end pikali viskama ja maailma tagurpidi nägema. Üles taevasse vaatama ja uskuma. Usaldama, et kõik saab korda. Uskuma, et Taevane Issi on sinuga. Et Ta vaatab ülevalt ja naeratab, sest Ta armastab sind. Ja et Talle meeldid sa sellisena nagu sa oled. Täpselt sinu endana, koos kõigi oma vigadega. Ja heade külgedega ka... Uskuma, et isegi, kui on raske, siis Temal on vastused.
Just sinu jaoks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_RGlvje-MU&feature=plcp

This is a song written by Phil W. called "Because of Your love". He is a very talented musician and that song is so beautiful so I made a cover of it today. Not perfect, far from perfect but I like it. Its me and my guitar and what else do you need? ;) Hope you like it.
Kirsi

Tartu

I have no idea what Im doing on the pictures but it kind of looks like Im having a good time. My girls Raki+Merku were in Tartu yesterday with me and we did a "little" bit of walking and finally were so tired... Oh well. :P
Going back home today but I have to say I had a great time with friends and...
Did I say I shared my testimony about anorexia and how I came out of it with 70-80 girls yesterday and it was wonderful. I had a chance to talk to a few of them after the testimony and... Oh wow. My heart was overwhelmed with the fact that it touched most of them. I didn't see a girl without tears in that room. And of course the surprise factor when I said Im 25 years old... I had to explain I look like 17 and its fine. :D
Later in the evening 2 girls I didn't know came to me were like, why always the prettiest girls share these stories of hurt and pain... I think it was meant as a compliment. :)
So so! Finito.

...

Tartu.
Olen lõpuks Tartus. :)

Seed

Journey.
So this is my journey.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
If things are a bit weird, hard, just look ahead and see that you´re not alone. Im still breathing. In and out. And that matters at the moment.

I have been visiting a few friends this week. Been with people I love. People who love. With people who actually care about my life. And it has felt good. We all deserve these people in our life. No matter what we have done, how screwed up we are or how much crap has happened. We all deserve to be loved. I pray to God that you have at least someone you can count on to. If not I pray Father will give you that person.
I have been bitter.
And I have been saying things I regret later. I did that yesterday. And the day before. And I know I will do it again.
And yet there is a new day when I wake up and ask forgiveness from my Father. Because I don't want to be bitter and I don't want to carry the seed of anger in me. Coz it will plant something bigger. And I want to live with an open heart. I want to be someone who is not angry at the world. I want to love. I want people to see love and life in me.

So I go back to the beginning.
The beginning of many things.
Because without remembering all the good Father has given me I am bitter. The beginning is everything you feel thankful for. The starts of your life. Maybe it was something small.
For me it has been hundreds of smalls.
And that's when I know my Father has never abandoned me. Never.

Find your little things. Your little seeds of hope. Little kisses.
And be thankful.

K

Recognize

Recognize the people who really love you. People who want to be in your life. Who encourage you and who will not leave when things get hard.
Because in hard times these are the people who will not judge or complain. They wont bring you down and they will not run you off. Because in confusion and pain they will stay and love you.
Recognize them and never let them go!

Grandpa II

I don't know whats going on and why God is doing this but for the second (ok I think I am lying, it has happened many times, but the 2 times I know for sure sure) time in my life He has put me in a situation where I have to share my time and space with someone I don't-didn't like. I am honest. There was a time in my life I absolutely disliked my grandpa. I had a very hard time bonding with him and I just didn't want to spend any of my time or words with him. And here I am, living in one apartment and sharing meals and we actually talk. Seriously?
I didn't know how to respond when I heard that my family is going to Finland and Im stuck with him for 2 weeks or more, well...
And when they left it suddenly felt good. Not a burden at all.
And the way he has encouraged me in the last 2 days... Little things.
Like that fact that he gave me a look of approval when I came out of my room with a dress the other day. Or that he told me something wonderful about love. That God always has someone for us if we just trust Him. Or the way he cooked for me today and then asked my opinion how I want it.
Or how he said a prayer before he ate. I almost choked because I have never really shared a meal with him and it spoke into my heart the way he was so thankful to Father that he has food on a table and a room to sleep in. So basically I am seeing something here I never expected to see.
I am seeing love. Love shared and received.
And I am thankful.

B L U E