The more...

No blog post for a long time huh! Well, its been crazy busy. I have been away so much from home that its crazy. I really think I should already pack all my stuff into many bags so each time I go, I have a bag to take with me already... Its mostly been Pärnu trips and that should be no surprise anymore. I am really finding my heart and place there and it feels good to have a home! Every time I can go there only for a day or even less its so hard to come back. But today I know we will stay there for 3 days and thats something! Father´s Heart conference is about to start this evening and I am excited! It will be good, it will be so very good! I will lead worship (well, God will lead worship through me really, but its kind of interesting, this one, coz I mean, I am singing to Him and He is leading through me, I sometimes wonder how does that work, hahah)... :) And I will meet many good friends I havent seen for quite some time now! Only Father knows everything thats about to happen and I can just rest in the peace that He is with us!
The more I seek You
The more I find You
The more I find You
The more I love You

Smile beibi, smile!

"Sometimes I´ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
I had an amazing weekend with this wonderful lady! Went to Finland on Friday to surprise my friend Tiina on her birthday - "30"! It was such a great day with her and her most important women! I enjoyed every single moment (High Tea, Les Miserables /I finally saw the movie I had been wanting to see since it came out/, dinner). And Im so happy I got over my fear to go on my own. I did it. Haha, well, what fear. More like not wanting to travel alone! ;) Tiina is just so precious and beautiful and smiley its crazy! I love her hugs and her. SO very much.
Great weekend indeed! ;) Oh and Sunday. Well, wow! I was so tired and we were going to a church in Helsinki with my dad to serve. Worship, testimony etc. AND God did it again. He spoke and I had to do nothing but let Him! Jup. So very good. And later as we traveled back I was like, that was the best trip to Finland ever! So blessed and blessed! haha...

This love.

I havent written for a while. Have been a bit busy I guess... Work, walk, live, laugh, read, clean, eat, pray. Basically everyday things but the most important things. Really if you think about it. I think laughing is sometimes even more important than eating. Or reading more important then working! ;) Just saying.

Anyway its been quite a few good days. With its ups and downs. But I have seen some progress with Hardi and I believe this little guy deserves people to take him as he is. With no expectations. With no past-mistakes. He is just a little boy with a big body. He also belongs to my Father. So really, why cant people see that? I mean. Why do we so often look at the past mistakes and take people for what they have done. Instead of looking at them with today´s eyes. With new eyes. He made me a bright-beautiful bracelet the other day and I just looked at him and was in awe. He has a huge heart. This little boy!

Today will be great. A friend is visiting and then Im off to Pärnu with him! To see some precious people again and then Im back tomorrow early morning. Its gonna be wonderful! :)

Oh and its actually so good to be 26. For some reason Im loving this age. So perfect, so round, so me! ;)

Anything could happen.

26. I am so 26 and I actually feel like a woman. Like a 26-year old woman. Maybe its just to do with the fact that I was told so many beautiful things and it got into my heart... This feeling of being a woman. Haha... Well. Ill just share about my last days coz they have been incredible. I have felt overwhelmed by love and care. And here I am sitting thinking that I must be crazy to travel so much but heck. I love my friends.

So on Saturday I traveled to Tartu. I had a day out with Barbala, we sat in 3 different places and walked some distances to get rid of the cakes and pizza and tea and coffee and to enjoy beautiful Tartu. It was so much fun with her, it always is. And later I went out with my girls V and L and it was so good as well. We had cake again and actually. Its just comfortable with them. Thats why I love it there. :)

And on Tuesday on my real day... Haha, it was actually the first night after many nights of sitting up where I slept and then 7am my door swung wide open and my parents and Ester came in singing. It was so precious but heck I was tired. Flowers, kisses, hugs... ;) Then I drove to my kindergarten and brought them cookies I had baked the night before. Then drove back and the celebrations could start. Had lunch with my parents and one good friend and then drove to Tallinn... We were suppose to go to the zoo but heck. The minute we stepped out from the car I was about to be blown away by cold wind and it was just a nono. Instead we managed to kill some small animal on our way to Tallinn and oh adventures-adventures (I think we would have been banned to enter the zoo anyway, haha). Im not gonna really go into details over Tallinn, some things can just stay into my heart. :) But it sure was good. 

Around 9pm we arrived to Pärnu to celebrate with the Veedla´s! Its always party with them! ;) I love their family and that cherry-cake. YUM! And yesterday I came back by bus and realized that I had celebrated my birthday in 5-6 different places and people... Crazy! Its the most I have had. Its the most blessed I have felt. Each year has been special. I am special. All the comments, texts, love, messages, letters, calls, words... I really cried my eyes out yesterday while reading everything over. So many memories and good stuff! I love my friends. I am loved!

And today. That blew my mind. I went to work and suddenly all the staff was there with flowers and then they started singing and well, huh. I really dont know what to say!

Everybody wants to be loved. I never realized how much actually. And when you finally feel the love in such an overwhelming way it knocks you down. And on your knees. Coz the LOVE my Father offers is often through people. And this week its been through people. Through His people! :)

Dove

I will write about my birthday soon coz it is worth sharing. But now I found a little something online that caught my eye. I believe many of you have seen the new video by Dove where it shows how women see themselves and how others see them. So this article actually shares some truth into it. Which in my heart clicks. So Ill share it with you and you can do your own conclusions... :)
http://www.wonderfullymadeblog.org/2013/05/real-beautyreally-response-to-dove.html

Ps! My friend just gave me another one... Which just brings truth into the lies:
http://jazzylittledrops.tumblr.com/post/48118645174/why-doves-real-beauty-sketches-video-makes-me

Juhani - YOU ROCK! :) Thank you!!!! :)

twenty-six

Its my last hours to be 25 years old. I have enjoyed being 25 but I am so excited for the 26! Somehow twenty-six is special. Something is going to happen that I cant put words to. I am not saying I know what it is. But thats whats makes it special. I just have this excitement in me.
Its not been an easy year. I had to come back from Bala straight after my birthday. I actually never shared about the deep reasons why I left so suddenly. And I will not now either... It is not necessary anymore but there was stuff going on in my life and in Bala as well. So my 25 started with a bang. Kind of leaving comfort and money and work and coming back into unknown. Yet Father provided with a job and I have been working in a kindergarten even though uh, me and kids. Well we get along a lot better by now but its been a crazy-curvy-bendy road for me! :)
So many tears in my last year. So much laughter. Old people, new people. Love, hurt, pain, healing. Its as if everything collapsed yet God remained. He always does!
What I do know is that the dreams inside of me are growing. Yes, some of them are coming true but the BIG ones are still to come! I just gotta keep moving. I had an amazing time with friends this weekend and there was something one of my girls told me. About flashlights. That when its dark outside and you take out a flashlight, then it actually only shows you kind of one step ahead. And that's exactly how its been with me. I have been shown 1 step at a time. Never 2-3. Never a 10-year plan but rather a God-given-driven plan... And honestly, she said something else. That if she´d know her 10 years she would worry herself crazy over what and how and heck... :)

I do know twenty-six will be special. I am already so looking forward to tomorrow. I love surprises and there will be a few probably. I have to wait just a little more. Oh just hope Ill get my needed sleep (IF you do pray for me occasionally Id love you to pray for the breahing.plah Ive been dealing with, its going worse. I thought its better and then this crazy attack last night... anyway!)!

Sending my huge Kirsi-hug to you! ;)

Im gonna leave in 15 minutes. I am restless lately. I keep packing my stuff for the weekends just to go... Maybe I need to reflect on my inner stuff thats going on but as for now... Tartu it is! :) Gonna celebrate. Its my birthday soon and also one of my good friends birthday. So 2in1 it is! I just pray for a bit better weather coz right now I dont even want to put my nose out there!
Have a bjuutiful weekend my friends and enjoy some life!

Free

I get these random days off. And then Im like what should I do. This morning I practiced my guitar and recorded my new favorite song... :) Enjoy:
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/free-cover-kirsika

Well done!

I was in Pärnu the last weekend and oh I loved it. The most beautiful city in my view right now. Maybe its because Im kind of finding my place there. Only Father knows (and ofc my heart is ready for Him to let me know as well, haha)...
So, 1 more week. Until my birthday ofc! Im not making any big plans. I have had the most amazing birthdays in my last years and I know this year its gonna be amazing as well no matter what! I just know I wanna see a few precious friends so Im gonna go to Tartu for sure and everything else is just in the making.

I went to a concert last night. Allbymyself (oh dont worry, I was not in a selfpity)... One of the teachers came to me and handed me 2 tickets since she couldnt go. Oh boy, I didnt realize I can enjoy jazz that much again. After years of not enjoying really. It was SO good. This one guy played 2 saxophones at the same time in one song and I was just like, HECK, really??? Anyway never seen and heard anything like this... Was so thankful I got myself together, dressed up and went. On my own! ;)
Anyway. Its mostly work on weekdays and away on the weekends for me right now for the last 2 months and probably gonna continue that way coz thats how I feel the most comfortable with! Oh and this week Im just SO thankful for my DAD! He is awesome. Mum went away and he is doing so good with Ester and food and laundry. Well done, daddy! ;)

Bring it on!

10 days and Im gonna be 26 years old. How can that be? I mean I didnt even notice how this year is just flying by. I still remember my last years experience how I was taken to a beautiful castle, ooh and that beautiful ancient dress and photo shoot. It was just such an amazing experience. And Im like, heck, its gonna be a new birthday already.
We have this saying in Estonia that when a person turns 22 then its his/hers last chance but when he/she turns 26 years old then its a new chance, opportunity. Maybe it means that this year will be my year or smth? Haha, well, not really. Coz when one walks with God the Father then every year is a new chance. Every day is a new start, a fresh start. For me it is... I am so happy I get to share my life with my Father coz on my own I would be doing something else. I would be looking to fulfill the empty places in my life and heart and Im not sure Id know who I am...
This last year has been crazy. I mean, I moved back from Wales to my parents as a 25 year old woman and I didnt know anything. Like what turn my life would take. I spent the summer travelling from one place to another and then got a job in Türi-Alliku kindergarten. How weird is that. I promised myself Ill never work with kids and here I am working with kids. Really? Sounds to me like a God-thing coz on my own I would not make it there... And not to mention all the change thats been happening music-wise... Yes, I still dont have my own CD, but I have been able to work together with some amazing musicians. Both in worship and also contemporary Christian music... So Im blessed beyond words and imagination. I just dont know whats next yet but when I look back God always has the NEXT for me in His time and plan! ;)
And what about the change thats been happening inside me? I mean thats the biggest change of all. I know He is healing my heart slowly yet firmly. He is a good Dad, my real Dad! I dont even know all the stuff that He is working with but in a loving way I am guided for sure...
So bring it on. Bring it on: all the adventures, all the NEW, all the friendships that need more healing, all the love that I can give and receive, all the chocolate I "need" and bring it on LIFE!

Oh I realized I didnt actually share the link here publicly, I did on FB but... So, here you go, my friend:
--->
https://soundcloud.com/liisi-vali/kirsika-step-out

Chameleon

I have a friend. And there was something he told me yesterday that really made me think and happy and think again. So Ive been thinking how come Im involved in so many different styles of music and one part of me has been worried. Coz I see myself uploading a video where I sing a slow worship song with a guitar. And the next moment a real pop-dance song comes out.
And then he said it.
That Im like a chameleon. And I was like, heck, yes! I really am. I don't want to be put in a box.
I know that there will be so many people who will judge me. And if they wouldn't it would be weird actually. Coz not everybody can like what I do. And not everybody will.

This next song that comes out is produced with the same team as the last one "Mida tunneb süda". Our new song is called STEP OUT and I cant wait to share it with the world tonight. But I know there will be a lot of people who are like, WHAT is this? Coz it is so not typical Kirsika-style-slow-worship song. Which is ok. Because Im trying out new things now. Im at a place where I know I can try and learn and record and see where it leads me.
Please do not put me in a box. Please do not label me with something.
Yes, its a dance pop-song. And yes, my heart says that my own music will be something totally different one day. ;) But Im so not gonna excuse myself for enjoying something different for a change...

Step out, my friends. From the frames you put on others and on yourselves! ;)

That talk that makes me wonder...

As I was coming back from Tartu yesterday I managed to sit straight behind a bunch of 4 teenager boys (probably 16-20 years old). It was the only available seat and so there I was. Forced to hear their talk. Thats how buses usually are. Oh how I dont like it. In the beginning I listened to my ipod and heard nothing but at one point my ears started to hurt and I had to take the headphones out. And then it dawned on me. Their talk was so empty I actually wanted to stand up and walk out but where?
As we reached Paide it went worse and worse til one of them mentioned a girl he knew. And the first question his friend ask was this: "Well, what are her measurements? Her size?" And I sat there with my eyes wide open and heart turning into pieces.
Is that all young men think of? One of them says its his friend and the other one wants to know her measurements? Really? Is that all we are to young men nowadays? Just a piece of meat?
I was so sad. I was heart-broken for all the young women out there who have no idea whats going on.

And yet Im not blaming those guys. Coz thats the society we live in. Young girls wear such short skirts and low-cut shirts you can see everything. Young guys see everything. Its as if no one is there to teach the value of one´s body anymore. We put ourselves out there. We show our bodies as trophies. We give ourselves as trophies.
And then there´s the "sex sells" all over the world.

WE are not just a piece of meat. And yet we act like we are. We (Im not saying all of us, Im not saying thats how it is with everybody) sell ourselves to everyone.
And then I am surprised to hear a talk like that from a bunch of teenager boys?

I was 19 years old when I first heard stories from guys in a Bible school how hard it is for them to NOT look coz they really are visual. And at first I was so mad. I was like, seriously? Why should I change my dressing blablabla and then there was like a call on my heart. Something that whispered that a part of man´s attitude really is in my hands... The way I dress, the way I behave, do I flirt, do I put myself out there... And something changed in me. I started to see the world from their perspective...

I just pray God to open our eyes. The eyes of the heart. That we would know whats in there and change something if its needed... So that the next time I hear talk like Id have the courage to maybe say something (in a loving way) that makes them wonder... makes them think.
Jup.

Deep and beautiful and raw...

I am going to Tartu again this weekend. Its getting rather crazy with my weekends away BUT I love it. Its so much fun to just go and sleep in different places, meet new and old faces etc. This time gonna lead worship in Risttee church, really lookin forward to it... But anyway, as I was practicing today I decided to record a few songs and here is one of them... Fall Afresh - it just speaks so strongly into my heart. There is something deep and beautiful and raw in this song. Something that touches deep and goes through. :) A link to my cover, my version is here:
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/fall-afresh-cover-kirsika
Be blessed! :)

Tüdruk!

Seal on üks tore tüdruk. See tüdruk elab nüüd kaugel. Kuskil kängurumaal, kui mul õigesti meeles on. Ja see teine tüdruk siin mägedeta-maal igatseb seda Kängurumaa tüdrukut. Vot nii!

Tema kätes...

Hei sõberid.
Tean, et ei ole enam ammu oma blogi täiendanud. Kohe üldse mitte... Mul ei ole olnud inspiratsiooni eriti. Mu südames on nii palju muutusi olnud ja ma ei oska hetkel kõike kirja panna, lihtsalt ei oska. Ja see on ok. :) Vahel ei peagi kõigele seletust olema.
Midagi minu südames on teistmoodi. Teadmine ehk, et mu elu on TÕESTI Jumala kätes! Et Tema on võimeline näitama mulle asju mu seest, mille olemasolust mul aimugi ei olnud. Et Ta näitab suunda ja siis pean mina lihtsalt liikuma selles suunas... Ja isegi, kui mul alati õigus ei ole (ehk siis enamasti õigus ei ole), siis on Ta võimeline parandama suhteid, hetki, minevikku, valu, haavu ja kõike, kus isegi mina mööda olen pannud. Et Ta on võimeline tooma tagasi armastuse, mis on kustunud. Ja et Ta on tõesti on murtud südamete parandaja.
Ma nii tihti näen vigu teistes. Et teised on süüdi asjades, milles on tegelikult ka minul suur roll olnud. Ja ps! vahel me ei tee seda teadlikult. Me päriselt ka ei näe enda nina ette. Me oleme nii kinni enda mõttemallides ja olukordades, et me ei näe. Nii pimedad. Ja nii kuskil augus. Ja siis järsku käib nagu mingi plaks, sõna otseses mõttes (ja tihti valus plaks) ja siis on et, wow, kas päriselt? Kas päriselt on minul ka suur roll selles kõiges olnud??? Ma olen nii tänulik, et mul on kannatlik Taevane Isa. Et Tema on mind armastanud aegade algusest saadik. Olen tänulik, et mul on kannatlikud sõbrad. Sest mina olen NII ebatäiuslik, et ise ka ei usu. Nii ebakindel ja nii otsustusvõimetu. Ja teen haiget. Oma mitteoskamatusega ja katkise südamega (me keegi ei saa kunagi olema täiuslikud, aga Temas oleme me üsna ok!)...
Ja üks asi veel. Ma võtsin siit alt selle smile värgi ära, sest tegelt tegin seda ma selleks, et lihtsalt like koguda. Tunnistan ausalt. Mõtlesin, et kui keegi siin mu blogi loeb, siis saab ju alati ka kommenteerida ja lihtsalt julgustada ka muud moodi. Kõik ei pea feissbuukiiks muutuma. :)

Ja nautige kevadet. Seda päriselt. Nii, et lähed õue jalutama ja nuusutad. Ja hingad ja kuulad. Ja räägid. Oma taevase isaga... ;) Päriselt!

Kallis vanaisa,

Kallis vanaisa,
Loodan, et sa näed seda kirja seal kusagil! Usun, et istud praegu oma Taevase Isa süles ja naeratad. Läbi pisarate. Sest sul on valus, kuna meil on valus. Ja samas on sul rööm, sest oled lõpuks jõudnud koju! Sinna, kus on hea ja ei ole enam halba!
Ma tunnen oma südames rahu, valu, röömu, kõike läbisegi. Pisarad segunevad naeratusega, sest ma ei teagi täpselt, mida ja kuidas tunda. Sa ei olnud eriti minu jaoks olemas, aga mingil hetkel ma leppisin sellega, sest see olidki sina. Täpselt enda olemusega, sellega, kes sa olid! Ja see oli sinu parim. Ma tean, et sa armastasid mind. Nii, kuidas sa oskasid. Ja tead mis, ma ei olekski teistmoodi tahtnud. Sest sa olid minu vanaisa Heino. Ja praegu oled ka! Alati oled! Ma armastan sind. Ma tean, et me kohtume varsti.
Ja siis me naerame koos ja sööme präänikuid. Usun, et taevas saab ka präänikuid süüa. Sest need olid Sinu lemmikud, mis tuletab mulle meelde, et me just eelmine nädal ostsime Estrile paki präänikuid, sest ta oli neid koos Sinuga söönud! :)
Oh vanaisa, ma tegelikult igatsen sind. Olen igatsenud juba ammu ja nüüd eriti! Ma ei hakka midagi kahetsema, et me rohkem ei suhelnud, aga mingi osa minust nutab, sest ehk oleks midagi saanud paremini teha... Ja ps! Ma olen nii önnelik, et said aasta koos veel olla naisega, kes oli sinu südameigatsus. :)

Vanaisa, puhka rahus! Ole sina ise. Lase Jeesusel end hoida nüüd ja pea meil siis silma peal ja oota meid kenasti ära. Ühel päeval...
Sinu Kirss, laululind! :) (Saadan sulle oma parima naeratuse ja kallistuse!!)

Family

I have been to Tallinn twice this week, which almost never happens! On W-day I went to record 2 new songs (Im so very excited to see what the outcome is, it will take some time) and yesterday we went to lead worship in a small university students gathering and it was so good! It was such a precious time together; the topic was Godly healing versus doctors etc. Something like that, hard to translate! But at one point my dad felt strong in his heart to stand up and share a bit of Father´s love to this group of people and it was so good! Im so proud of him, the love he has now for people just overflows and I know God has so much more for my family. We desire to help people, its in our nature now, we desire to see changes happening. Both physical and mental, heart-changes! So yesterday was good! Im happy we decided to go against my flesh that said, oh Im so tired... ;) Im really happy to see new places opening up, new doors opening up! So many invitations and its not about me, HA, thats thew best part! People want to know their Father in Heaven - thats the BEST part! ;) Thats the most beautiful part... And we as a family have the privilege to do that! I know I wont be with them for a long time anymore, my time to leave will come soon, BUT as for now, this is my family (and always will be!) and I have the chance to travel with them! Or rather lately they with me, haha....
Its Friday today and for that Im happy! 2 days of no work, just minding my own business, well, not really, but you get the point! :) Gotta run now, but hugs and hugs!;)

To pursue...

Its exciting and I'm all bubbly again. :) Well, not really but a little. I'm gonna be in Tallinn today to record 2 new songs. I cant tell much about it now but I'm sure you will hear more soon... Knowing myself I know I cant contain it for a very long time, haha! Its together with Daniel and Liisi again though this time Ill be there alone, but I know I can do it! :)
Its been such an interesting week. Its been so hard at work coz of some things/issues I know I shouldn't discuss here but at the same time I feel peace in my heart. I have been looking myself from a different perspective and I have learned quite a few things. I have been having big problems with my health but again I feel its gonna be alright though visibly I see no results, I see no getting better... But that's what my God does, when its not about me anymore but Him taking over. I think! I'm not the smartest person so I don't know tons of theology but my Daddy in Heaven is enough for me. He assures me and encourages me when I feel like not going out. Even when I feel like not going after my dreams because of fear I know He keeps pushing me and He wants me to pursue music. To pursue something bigger than I think I deserve or can or would be able to...
So as for now all I see is sunshine when I look out from the window. I dont care there's tons of snow and cold. I see spring coming forth and life forming in front of my eyes! I see hope and I see a future. For myself and for you, my dear reader, friend! :) And I also feel like sending one big hug out to you who reads this text right now. Coz then Ill get a hug back as well! ;)