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Minu tänane:
Ärkasin peavaluga. Võtsin rohtu. Kadus.
Koristasin wc ilusasti puhtaks ja ei löönud pead ära. Jess.
Tõstsin oma toa ümber. Vahepeal puhkasin. Keset põrandat. Olin päris huvitav vaatepilt.
Käisin jõulukinke ostmas.
Pakkisin jõulukinke.
Mässasin uue pildi-programmiga. Meeldib.
Mängisin Mr.Darcy-ga. Ma vist meeldin talle.
Kirjutasin laulu. Mr.Darcy on õnnelik, kui ma temaga koos laule kirjutan.
Laul on minu meelest parim, mis ma siiani kirjutanud olen.
Lihtsalt mainisin.
Söin toidujääke.
Käisin kinos. Balas. Päris hea eks?
Tin-Tin on väga kena poiss. Selline seiklusrikas ja huvitav. Võtaks meheks küll.

Istun oma toas põrandal ja mõtlen, et küll oleks tore, kui...
Aga ma jätan need 3 punkti nüüd sinna ja lähen tegelen oma asjadega edasi.

Tere

So it´s Thursday huh. 2 weeks and Im in Estonia. My baby told mum the other day that Jeei Kirsi will be home soon and we can share a room then. Oh she is a sweetheart and now without her front teeth, haha, so adorable. Just saying. :)
I was thinking of listing a few things I really would love for Christmas. No Im not cheesy, I just love making presents and I know in everyone´s heart it is important to recieve good gifts. And who doesnt ask never recieves either. So here we go:
*teddy bear (Ive never owned one)
*watch (I broke my watch)
*a hat (jup. winters. my love)
*many hugs (oh you folks better hug me down when I come)
*kisses from Ester
*a new perfume (sometimes they get empty you know, the bottles)
*many many Christmas cards. (I LOVE cards)
*booksbooksbooks and music (there can be never enough of those)
*socks (hihi I eat socks if you didnt know)

So there we go. My little Christmas list.
(:
Its Thursday. I like Thursdays coz then comes Friday and that means 2 days off! This Sunday we have our team-Christmas-meal-party. So someone suggested me to be a baby-Jesus just coz Im the youngest. Oh I got a good laugh out of that one. Now seriously, can you imagine me doing that? NAAH. :D
Ok, getting ready to go to work. Our school-week is going great. Lots of good times, shared meals, worship, word.
And as one good movie "3 idiots" says it: ALL IS WELL!

264

Some things are undescribable.
As I was sitting on a session last night I was holding Miss Finn in my arms. I took her with me already while I was leading worship but something happened when I looked into that little bear´s eyes. I just felt loved.
Ok you are probably like, who is Miss Finn? She is a little teddy-bear brought here from Finland. Not to me, but to V+R and now she lives in our chapel. And y-day she was helping me. Hey, Im not weird or anything, sometimes Daddy tries to tell us things through things. If you get my point.
So as she was sitting with me, in my arms, I felt loved. With big L. So if you remember my last post ab having a hard hard day, well, Miss Finn made it tons better. With her soft eyes just staring at me telling me: " I LOVE YOU!"

Why

...is it that sometimes its so hard to talk about whats going on inside of you? Its like something happens and you just cant put a finger on it. You dont even know it yourself. You cant write about it, talk about it, think about it and it keeps driving you crazy.
I put a smile on my face (maybe) and keep on going. BUT its nagging me. This something that I cant talk about.
And its just one of these days where everything seems so wrong and cold and stupid.
I guess Im still a human-being. :) At least one good thing about this...

Its so cold here. Outside and inside.

:)

I called my mum. She didnt pick up. Then I called my dad. He picked up and handed the phone to mum who just had a worship-rehearsal. She really is a wonder-woman. I love her so very much from the bottom of my heart to the top of my heart. She has no voice and she is ill. And yet she is leading worship in FH Conference in Võru. She is incredable. So I just asked her permission to pray for her and she was like YES YES YES. So I did. I just asked Father God to protect her and the team and everyone attending. And I got this huge desire to be there with them. To support them, to comfort, to help, to carry them if needed. Etc. I cant. But I can in my heart. So there we go. Im there with them in my heart. I can pray for them, over them. And thats my part at the moment. And its the greatest part. :) And its a beautiful part. Coz then Dad can do great things. Without me worrying, but instead praying. And He is over this conference anyway. In every area!
So if you can, GO THERE today or tomorrow. To Võru. To the conference. Its wonderful.
:)

260

The day is 260. Ok not really. Its Friday.
Im sitting in front of my bed. Its normal already. If you know me, then you know I like to sit in all kind of strange places. Never really where everyone else is sitting. If I can choose I usually choose places in the corners or on a table etc.
Well. I was feeling rather lousy yesterday. Was sleeping half of the day and then waited another half to end already so I could go back to bed.
But morning came and brought some sort of better feelings.
Im not in a perfect condition but so much better. Im thinking of going to have a long walk somewhere. Its 1 C outside so I might wrap myself up in warm and cozy clothes and go and have some fresh air. I cant stand doing nothing so we will see. (Well, knowing Bala weather it might just start pouring in 1 second and that changes my plans).
So. Here I am. Its the 2nd of December. In 20 days Im home to my mama and papa and sis Ester. I cant wait. Its gonna be such a good time. I know. I have prayed about it and I have some sort of belief that something wonderful is gonna happen in my time home. I have no idea what but something...

I just wanna finish with this chorus from one of my favourite songs:
"Grace I call Your name
Oh wont Your smile fall over me
Im cracked and dry on hands and knees
Oh sweet Grace rain down on me, I need Your Grace!"

May Fathers g r a c e be with you all through today. May His blessings, favor and love dwell in you and from you!
Love, K

Huvitav

Ükskõik kui vana ma ka ei oleks, nii, kui haigeks hakkan jääma, on mu esimene mõte: "Oleks emme siin, tema teab mida teha!!!"
Emme, lenda nüüd siia ja tule ravi mind natuke aega ok? Tean küll, et sa ise ka haige, aga siis olemegi kahekesi koos... ;)

A cup of Tea!

257

Hommik. 7:08. Istun oma toas põrandal ja joon cappuccino-t. Mönus. Akna taga mõllab torm. Ma enam ei tea, kas see on hiline sügistorm või varajane talvetorm. Aga see polegi oluline. Nii hea on olla toas, kaitstud ja hoitud. Mis siis, et nii 20 minuti pärast pean tööle minema. Praegune hetk on oluline.
Mul pea huugab viimasel ajal mõtlemisest. Nii palju on juhtunud ja siin kirjutan ma sellest kõigest ehk 10-st protsendist, kui sedagi. Mitte, et ma ei tahaks, aga see on võimatu. Mu süda, mina ise, on ühes muutumisprotsessis. Pidevalt. Ma olen ühel teekonnal. Kogu aeg. Ja kõigest ei saa rääkida. Ma tahaksin. Aga ei oska.
Läheme täna välja. Kuskile restorani B&B naistega. Peale tööd ruttu koju, kleit selga ja minek. Nii ootan juba. ("Afternoon-tea-party"). :) Ma ei ole ammu nii välja saanud minna ja nüüd on põhjust. Tähistame R-C sünnipäeva. Päris vahva. Päris kallis on ka. AGA meie eest on hoolt kantud. ;)
Mis siis veel. Eesti-Eesti-Eesti. 23 päeva veel ja ma olen sinu juures. Tulen puhkama ok? Ärge siis pange mulle suuri ootusi jms. Olen veidi väsinud ja vajan aja maha võtta oma pere juures. Tartu reis on ka silme ees. Muu aja veedan oma perega. Hea. Ester ka musitas mind läbi Skype üleni ära eile. Minu tibu.
Miks Eesti keeles? Vahel võib! :)

K

I love b a k i n g

the BEST carrot-cake ever! :)

Day 253: Live your dream. And wear your passion.

Just saying.
I remember being a little girl skipping, dancing along the road and making up tons of new songs in my head and then singing them out loud. So loud that neighbours prob thought Im crazy or smth. I didnt care. I loved all these weird, strange, loud songs I sang. Each had something to do with my life at that moment. Some were about sun shining, some about rabbits we had, some about boys I liked.
Its bubbling up inside of me. The dream to do something. My throat is itching so bad. I want it to happen. So bad. And I know I suck at organizing thing and actually going after my dreams, but this one is just too crazy for NOT to happen.
Im gonna have my own album. I dont know when and how. I really dont know. And its making me a bit anxious. But I KNOW it will happen.
Its a big dream and you might say it is too big but who said that dreams dont come true? :)
I love what it says on my wall: GETTING LOST WILL HELP YOU FIND YOURSELF.
I am a bit lost. And so what? If it helps me to find myself then heck. Im about to find out. Something is changing in the air, I can feel it, taste it and dwell on it.
Something is near.
Once my friend said to me that I should not think so much about my future but be content in the present. And oh how right he is. But then again I want to keep on dreaming and believing something I cant yet see.
So I wanna add a little prayer here.
"Father. Thank YOU for these 8 months here. Help me stay patient. Help me see and taste You more and more and more and more. And be hidden in Your love. Help me Share it with others through worship. And never give up on my dreams. I want to wear my passion. You have given me an anointing. Its called "Kirsi´s" anointing. And I love You. You are my REAL dad. Thank You!"
K

Babababanana

Bananabread.
Oh what a hard word it is! :D
So its the 5th day of our schoolweek. Almost done. 1 more night of worship and then tomorrow everyone will leave and in a week´s time from today we have a new group coming. And then its almost time to go to Estonia for me. Its crazy. Christmas is in 30 days from today. I have been thinking about all this sofucbkcjyfkhgdfvkuhfkudjh over Christmas. So why the heck do we wait for it? Coz of presents? Tick. Coz of a family time? Tick. Coz of snow and wonderful food? Tick.
Yes. All of this is very important. I cant wait to see my family. I cant wait to have presents and make presents. And most of all visit my beautiful country again. Friends.
But heck. This is not why Christmas is so important. There is so much more behind this. MY JESUS WAS BORN. My God sent HIS beloved Son so I could live today. That I could breath and live and love and marry and rejoice and laugh and cry. So if that is not important then what is? :)

The second thought I had for this blog has to do with cooking. I got a bit of a revelation today. So, I have been cooking so much here. See, I LOVE baking. Banana bread. Maderia cake. Carrot cake. Flapjack. Brownies. But I have a p r o b le m with cooking. I used to do it for others so much when I had eating disorders that I learned to dislike it (Im not using the h-word). And here I have to cook all the time. A LOT. I smell and dream of onions sometimes. And everyone always says how wonderful soups I make, how great this and that tastes. Especially in schools. So my revelation is this: Sometimes our weeknesses can turn into our strenghts and the other way around. I used to have BIG problems with controlling things. And I still do occasionally. BUT if I use it in a right portion, in a right time, it can be a good thing. Dont ask me how, come and Ill show you how! :)

So. Yes. Its my 5th day at work today and I must say Im getting a bit tired, but tomorrow is off so restrestrest it is. Our sweet Rui-Chi has a birthday so we get to celebrate it together in the evening. ;) I love our b-days here. So much effort and love shared and showed... It should be like that in every family.
Labi. Paka.

:)

Now this is just great. I have never seen a group more thankful and appreciative than this one!!! You make them breakfast, they are almost in tears.
You make them soup, they are up and ready for 2nd and 3rd portions and have thousands of thank-you´s ready for you.
You sing to them, you lead them into worship and they just sing so loud with you (and occationally over you). And later encourage you to go on and never let go.
You bake a cake and they want the recipe. No left-overs.
You talk with them and they just smile. Beam actually. Talk back and ask tons of questions.
The thing I love most about elderly people is their hearts. They are so open, so ready to share their hearts with you.
I L O V E this group!
:)

Day 250: The time

The time has come to stand for what we are believing. I dont believe in "hide-behind-the-curtains-Christianity". I was that girl. And I sometimes probably still am (nobody´s perfect). And it is horrible. To not talk about what I believe. To hide. I know. Actions speak louder than words. But the thing is that our actions cant speak if we hide.
So why am I saying this.
Because last night was different. I worshiped in Spirit. And I didnt care if there were people in the room or not (I mean, I do care, but it was not about them anymore). I usually try to please people. I have been a people-pleaser a lot in my life. And especially in worship. I have tried to sing to them, so that they could come and follow me in worship etc etc. But its all about Jesus. And I was singing TO HIM yesterday. With all my heart and He gave me a new song. A song that came from my heart. Something that reminds me we dont have to do anything perfect, because HE shows up anway if we´re waiting.
You know. There have been so many times in my life when I go in front of people and I hide. I put on a smile when Im hurting. And I pull together a good face. But I dont have to do that. I want to be vulnerable so He could come and shake me. And heal me. And love me. And take me in HIS armas and carry me.
Then people will see that my God is a good Father.
I am not a shamed of my Father. He is wonderful.
And I just want to be in a place where I can know that I know that I know that wherever I go and whoever I meet, not only my actions BUT also my words would bring comfort and peace and Dad would speak through me.
And one more thing. People around you want to see the real you. Not the one with the smile that always says, IM OK. If you´re hurting then dont hide it. Dont try to please anyone. Be real. Because everyone in this world is been hurt by someone or something and if they see that they´re not alone they might find comfort. IN God through you. Christians dont have to have it all together just coz they are Christians. :)
And again. These are just my thoughts. IF you disagree dont pour it out or be mad at me. We all can share our mind and heart. Write to me, ask me questions, you have that right! :)
K


PS! 1 MONTH LEFT TIL IM IN ESTONIA AGAIN!!!!!

When He comes I can do nothing...

...nothing but surrender and go with the flow. Im so thankful. Amazed. Loved. Yesterday´s worship was so beautiful. I didnt think it would be like that. I was afraid. I showed everyone that Im not and that Im ok. But the truth is everytime Im about to sing in front of people, its never easy. Im fighting inside. Its a bit of pride issue. Its a bit of fear-issue. Im a normal human being. In front of people everyone wants to stand out. But in front of GOD I just want to be me. So I surrendered. I gave all Ive got and He gave me so much back. (+Ive got an amazing team here. They are just incredable. Im never gonna tire of telling this!!)
I am L O V E D!!!!

Day 248: Dust in my eyes.

There is still sleep-dust in my eyes. There really is. Its so early Im not even gonna tell you the time. Something very am. And I was dreaming all night long. I have done that the last 3 nights. Slept bad. I had 2 days off and I had a project to finish so I couldnt actually rest. At. All. But the thing with these kind of projects is that I enjoy them. I cant share it yet, its a bit of a secret. So yes. Ill show pics soon. :)

Oh u should have seen me last night. I needed a break from what I was doing and saw this gorgeous sunset from the window, grabbed my camera and RAN outside. Ran 15 minutes real bad just to get to the lake and take my photos. I didnt fail. It was gorgeous. As it usually is after a sunny and cold day. So there it was.

There is gonna be a Fathers Heart School here, starting today. A week full of ministry, worship, peace, healing, tears, laughter, good food, love, new friends. A week. And I believe and pray God to help me and Paul with worship. I must say Im a bit afraid. But just coz we have been very busy and had just one time to practise. So I guess Dad has to take over. Right! ;)

What to say? I have just 1 month before my Christmas break. It´ll be awesome to come from one home to another home for a bit. The circle of my friends is just 1 big family anyway. Cant wait to see my sweet and beautiful faces, hug you all properly and actually have some good times together. So there we go. 1 month.

Ok, Im about to get ready for work now. Breakfast for 16 or smth like that. Uhuh. H E L P!! :D

Day 245: A new

A new song it is. I am going to name it "A song of hope" and I cant record it now. See, I dont have anything else except a phone to record it with and the quality is not for human-ears. So you have to be patient with my CD. You really have to be. One beautiful day it will come true. I dont know the day. I dont know the year. I dont know the band yet. But it will. Coz this dream in me is so deep and strong. And Dad already knows the songs on it. He knows the name of my CD. And He he pleased with it.
:)

8 months ♥

Today, 8 months ago I came to Bala. I cant believe that its already 8 months. It seems like it has been no time at all. And yet it is. So congratulations to me. No big plans for today, just working. But I know it will be good. I get to cook and serve breakfast for 3 and after that clean a couple of rooms etc etc.

So I uploaded a few pictures of my last month here. Its been a time of emptyness. A time of laughter. A time of questioning. A time of joy. A time of tears. A time of hope. A time of surprises (look at my last picture). A time of family. You know this scripture in Bible where it says there is a time and season for everything. Well, this is my everything. :) And Im coming through. I know I am. So yes. 8 months today beibi! Maybe the same number is still to come.

Gonna lead worship next week here. Excited me. I really love doing this and it makes my heart rejoice as well. So looking forward for this.

I found out smth funny yesterday. I mean, its been almost a month since my sister got married to Chris and I added another pic from their day and the pics are still popular. I guess it is just that my family is so beautiful. Lol. ;)

Day 242: The moment.

You know. The moment. You usually recognize these moments that are So Very Important in your life. These special "I fell in love" or "I passed my exam" or "Will you marry me? Yes." or "I got accepted to this great school!" moments. These are the things to remember.
But there are also these moments, these times when you know that you know that you know that God helped you, that God was behind this and all you can do is to be thankful.
Now. I want you to dig these moments up when times go hard.
I want to remember the goodness of God in times when I dont know where the heck Im going. I want to remember my God´s mercy. His grace upon my life. Because that helps me to move on.
Sometimes. I. Am. Also. Struggling. Big. Time.
My head is spinning and heart is in trouble. And thats when I open my heart to remember the times He brought me through. Through anorexia. Through school-problems. Through sickness. Through fire and rain. And you know what. Rain is not so bad. Because once you get inside, you get dry again. You will never be ALWAYS wet.. (and anyway, we are not made of sugar).
So build an altar. Not a physical one. Not an old time rock-altar. But an altar in your memories. Write it down if you need to. I have written down a lot about His goodness. How He was there when I needed to pass my driving test. Or He was there when I struggled in the hospital for weeks, fighting against the spirit of eating disorder. Or like when He helped my family. How He has built the love between my parents who were 17 and 18 when they got married. No love then. A lot of love now.
Or when I had no idea what Im gonna do after high school and He led me to Denmark. How He led me to Tartu to study music and how Im here, in Bala now.
You know, ITS NOT ALL FLOWERS here. Ok? Did you read what I just wrote? Its not all flowers and chocolate and beautiful sunsets here.
Its hard times.
Its days when I feel so alone I wanna die (ok, not really die, but hey, you get the idea).
Its days when I just want to jump on a plain and come back home.
Its days when Im so desperate for a friend.
Its days when I cant wait to meet my future husband already.
But its every day when HE is with me. My God. My Father. My Comforter. My Everything. My One Whom I cling to in Times like these.
You know once I was going on a plain and there was this sweet old man who came to talk to me. But He had this bitter tone when he suddenly started to talk about God. All he said was that God is for weak. And that he didnt need God.
Well. Heck.
God is for weak. I really have no desire to be strong. I cant be strong. BUT in Him I can. I so can and I will and I am.
So jump on a plain. But jump with God and in His time.
Capture the moment and remember it.
Never let go. Promise me?
Never.