You love who you love... who you love.

Deeper

I can choose to be happy?
For some reason its hard for me to agree with that statement. I mean yes, in some ways I can choose happiness over sadness. But what if its a deep sadness? What if its something that is just so deep that being happy is out of the question? And its not that there is no happiness and good moments and laughter and joy but what if there is this sadness that doesnt leave with a finger-snap. Its not like one can snap her fingers and the sadness is gone.
And anyway I believe that I cant choose happiness, I believe that God can bring us a deep satisfaction in Him and He can lead us to happiness. But its not something I can choose. Coz when I choose it myself, it comes for 5 minutes and then someone says something and my own chosen happiness is gone immediately. Like a cupcake.

So. Maybe the statements like, "its gonna be a good day coz I choose it to be" or "I will choose to be happy" are not so true at all. They will bring us a momentary happiness, but what about the deep joy? What about the God-given joy. So maybe I can choose to believe in my Fathers love and knowledge that He will bring me through and through. And bring me back my happiness and joy.
Coz the inner joy and peace. That is what I grave for. Not for the momentary things. Not for the 5-minute chosen happy-face. Nope.

And I am sorry if I have said something that you find absolutely the other way around. Maybe you can choose to be happy and for that I am thankful. But for me it works differently. And my God is a mysterious God, Im pretty sure I will make it through and get my deep joy that Im longing and yearning for. Knowledge that I am loved and loved and loved. Knowledge that I am enough in Him. Knowledge that I am not too much. Deeper peace. Deeper joy.

Struggle

When Im struggling or going through something really heartbreaking I notice myself going in a mode where I cant communicate with anyone. I shut myself down and stop talking to my friends and family. I am not doing it on purpose but for some reason I do it. Letters and calls are unanswered and Im unhappy, not to even mention my friends who are confused.
Its a mode where Im trying to protect myself. Maybe some of you have experienced that. And its also a mode where I cant even think of anything else. And then I start to overthink and overanalyze and overeverything.
And I have been thinking of asking forgiveness for all the things Im not doing right now to keep all my friends pleased and happy but I cant.

I am not down in a way where I cant function.
Because Im still going to work.
I am looking for work and a place in Pärnu.
I am eating and kind of sleeping.
And I want to trust God in everything. In bad times, in good times. So many psalms say that even when everything is falling down we should still Praise Him.
But how, oh how? :) I mean how do I lift my soul up to Him when I push everyone away including God. Coz see, thats my point. While pushing everyone away Im also pushing my Father away. My way of self-protection. And what an awful way.

I have a Bible sitting next to me on a table right now. I have been reading a few psalms lately. David was a man who went through shit and still he knew where his strength comes from. Where his joy comes from. And peace. I am no David but Im also my Father´s beloved and I believe there is a bigger picture behind all our struggles. Behind my heartbreaks and hurts and jup, I freaking mess up myself all the time. But I am His Beloved. And so are You! His beloved one. The one whom He loves and want to hold and comfort (and heck Im also preaching to myself here so dont feel awkward)... I want to give so much, but I need to be filled first. Oh and no, I dont want to go anywhere in a past coz there I was "happy and joyful", haha, no, I want a new joy and new peace! No past will determine my future. My Father determines my future.

So nope, it was no peptalk. Its just something Im going through now. Finding myself again under some piles of dirt and mud. Jup.

Words pouring...

Why do we hurt each other when we should love and forgive and forget! I mean esp with the closest ones to us! With the ones who actually care!
I mean, do you know what Im saying here? Because thats how we all do it to some measure, to some degree. We say bad things to our loved ones, we do things we regret. And we hurt them. We dont even "mean" it. Thats how I apologize usually. "Im sorry, I didnt even mean it." After an outburst or something I apologize (and we should) but why is it like that? Why?
Because these are the people that are safe. These are the people we can be real with. The people that love us unconditionally.
I just wish that Id say less and act more. The way it should be. Act more love, say less shit.

Its been a bit troubling time for me right now. Way too much packing. I actually think it will never stop. Im near a breaking point probably or something like that... I am doing good, its just so many places, so many new faces and no feeling of home. Coz I sleep in a different bed each night and talk to a different person each day. But yes. There will be a day this year where I will move all my stuff into this One Apartment of mine and I know Im home. They say that home is where your heart is. My heart is with my family. With my friends. So I guess as for now it is as good as it can be.
Gonna be in Pärnu for a few days and on Thursday going to Saaremaa. My last wedding this summer. Save the last dance for me. Oh but I have danced and sang as much as possible. I have enjoyed life and friends and celebrated love. And I have been loved and cherished and loved and hugged. So I cant complain really. Because over all life is good. And Life is with God. In Him and with Him I can do it. Otherwise its all just one empty hole.

Mmm... And how about waiting? Waiting for the right thing. Waiting to give your heart for the right one. My God has said that heart is the wellspring of life and that we should guard our heart above all else... What if sometimes its so freaking hard coz all we want is to be loved. And to get that we decide wrong. Im just saying that we all make mistakes. My mistakes are no bigger and no smaller than yours. And my God is a good God. I just pray that He would guide me and my steps and also yours. That in His hands I can walk my everyday life otherwise there is just no point... We people grave love the most. Thats why we have people around us. We need each other. We need friendships and we need are not meant to be alone. Huh, and sometimes its just so freaking hard. Esp with this wedding-craziness Ive been dealing. I love seeing the look on the grooms face when the bride enters and heck, one day it will be my groom having that look. I pray for that day and for the right timing...

I think I havent written for so long that I just cant stop writing now... I have missed this OH I HAVE SMTH TO SAY feeling. And today I have. So much. I kind of went through some huge emotional wave yesterday and heck, Im this one moment up next moment down in the pit person and I dont like it one bit. I felt so unstable and so unsure. I let my emotions roll over me like a wave and I was just wrapped in a blanket of sorrow and sadness for a few hours. Until grace washed over me. And I knew that I am loved yet again. Because the thing is I am ALWAYS loved, I just dont "feel" it or see it... Uh. Its easier to let emotions control us than knowledge. But its not so easy to get out of there. To stand up and let Father whisper words of love. My mistakes are my mistakes yes, but love wins aigh? ;)

So Im gonna stop here. Coz I have other things to do as well today. But just let this day be a good day. So as I said, act more love, say less shit!

The season of changes.

2 weddings done. 2 to go. Im so excited for this Saturday coz the band that has come together for Kertu&Rasmus is just awesome! So many surprises and changes with the people but the 5 of us now, well, its just awesome! Im really happy and I felt on Monday as though a whole burden was taken off from my shoulders and so much peace came back that was stolen! And so I was in Tartu for 2 days and will go again tomorrow. Came home for 1,5 days just to relax and help out at my parents new place. In case you dont know yet, they got a job. And with that also a new place to live at so basically there will be plenty of changes in the coming 2 months. Plenty! Im gonna move into something good, not knowing exactly what Im suppose to do but it will be good! :) And thats enough for me right now. I might not know a whole lot of things but what I know is that I am doing my best in everything I do. Sometimes it could be more but its my best and its enough. 

And my Daddy does the rest.

;)

Sigh, sigh, sigh.

A few paragraphs from a medical magazine that describe the battle to act:

We hear it almost every day: sigh, sigh, sigh.
I just cant get myself motivated to... (lose weight, test my blood sugar, etc.). And we hear an equal number of sighs from diabetes educators who cant get their patients motivated to do the right things for their diabetes and health. 
We have news for you. Motivation is not going to strike you like lighting. And motivation is not something that someone else - nurse, doctor, family member - can bestow or force on you. The whole idea of motivation is a trap. Forget motivation. JUST DO IT. Exercise, lose weight, test your blood sugar, or whatever. Do it without motivation and then guess what. After you start doing the thing, that's when the motivation comes and makes it easy for you to keep on doing it.
Motivation is like love and happiness. Its a by-product. When you're actively engaged in doing something, it sneaks up and zaps you when you least expect it.
As Harvard psychologist Jerome Bruner says, "You're more likely to act yourself into feeling than feel yourself into action." So act! Whatever it is you know you should do, do it.

Thats like the best word Ive heard about motivation. Its a trap. WOW. You cant wait for motivation to get you going. I like that. Because I almost never feel motivated to do something, I mean I have my desires and hopes and stuff, but my body sometimes is so freaking NOT motivated.
Running for example. I have started to run just because I know I should and I want to. But I dont have this huge crazy motivation. Its just something I know its good for me. So I do it. And slowly but surely it has started to grow on me... So it does come. And then one just has to keep on going... And going. And not giving up.

R e l a x

After my last post. Well, lets just say its been crazy! A wedding in Holland (roadtrip through Latvia and Germany), twice in Pärnu, and Jaanipäev in Saaremaa. And that all happened within 2 weeks. Now this week has been a bit slow-down-Kirsika-week. Well, kind of. My mind is going crazy with 3 weddings I need to attend to in July. A lot of songs to prepare etc etc. But I can do it. Right? Kirsika, you can do it! ;) Breathe-in-breathe-out.
I wish I could tell you the best news in a long time. But I cant. Not quite yet. Its to do with my parents. But all in due time. Im just so excited for their future and I gotta say so should you be! ;) I am also excited for Maria-Ben who started their journey together. And Im super excited for Vaarika-Christopher who are getting their lives settled so well in Canada. Through hardships but with God! So now its me. Me, myself and I! I really need guidance and peace about my future coz otherwise Ill be homeless in 2 months. Haha, well, I know, I wont be but kind of... ;) No need to go deeper into that. Coz my Daddy loves His little girl so much! He loves her like crazy! My kind of crazy!
Oh boy. What to say what to do. I kind of would want to apologize for my lack of communication lately. But heck. I am me and we all make mistakes. And Im learning. And processing. And going through major changes in my life. In my heart. In my head. Figuring out so many steps.

But you know what. Life is good as someone likes to say to me a lot! ;) Life is not all butterflies and ice cream but pretty much. I gotta learn to let go and breathe. I have started to relax more. Meet friends. Enjoy the weather. I ran ab 3-4 km yesterday. I am doing things. I am living and loving.
And well. Ill be alone for 4 days starting tomorrow. Finally some time alone just to be. Cant remember that kind of time.
So my friend. Little or big. Male or female. Relax a little. I need to learn the same. So lets do it together alright? ;)

Its Tuesday and I still cant spell it right.

I always write Tueseday instead of Tuesday and now when I look at the word Im like even the correct version seems wrong. I dont even know why Im talking about that when I should be talking about something else...
I had a really good week in Pärnu. Just to say I went for a day and I ended up staying for 6 days. Haha, how flexible am I? I think I can say VERY! I mean I had my beach-stuff in my bag. No money, no clothes, no make up, no nothing. Except a few bits and pieces. And I stayed for 6 days? All I can say is that I have wonderful friends who like to take care of me! :) My family (its like this song that goes something like "Its a big big house with lots and lots of room, a big big table with lots and lots of food...)! Thats how I feel at Veedlas! And of course nothing tops coming back home and knowing my own mum has prepared food for me and I know I have a closet full of clothes! ;) And I definitely got some crazy tan!

I will pack my stuff today again. To go to Holland. I am so excited to travel by plain again. I love traveling in case you havent understood that already! Im gonna see my very precious Maria getting married to the love of her life and Im gonna see Holland for the first time. Amsterdam, better be ready! I mean its me who we are talking about! ;) Im so gonna have my red nails and red lips this time and Im gonna feel good about myself! Real good!

Oh I also want to share a bit of what Im doing in Pärnu. Its not like I go there to just sit around! Which I also do but not only! ;) So I go to a church there. I have a church now! WOW. A PRAYER ANSWER! A big answer. But not only. I am accepted there not because of what I do but because of who I am. And I am Kirsika so thats kind of a good thing right. ;) On Fridays there are youth meetings called Youth Reality. So I have been there quite a lot of times now in the last 3,5 months and also helped a bit. Sometimes with worship, sometimes Ive shared something... And on Saturdays Ive been to Sindi a few times now. To Sindi Sport 1-9, its a wonderful event for kids from Sindi who come together to play sports and also to communicate a bit. More sports less talk though! I have joined a few games but mostly Im there to just be with my presence, to walk around and to just communicate and be myself! Haha... Not that I could be anything else anyway! ;) And then ofc the Sundays where the church comes together as a family. To hear the word and to worship and to be in fellowship and among family! :) So thats my time in Pärnu! Plus tons of other stuff I do there, take sun f.e and enjoy the water! Yeah, I kind of write random things now but my head is swimming today with all the things I should do but instead Im here writing a blog! ;)

Alright! Hugs from me and be courageous this week! Try new things, go for a run f.e. if you never dared to coz you thought you cant! Well, you can! ;)

Its June already. Now where did May go? I have been really bad with writing lately and even now I struggle to find words. Not that I dont want to. Oh boy I do want to let you know about my life and doings but somehow this time its more personal. More inner. Probably more than ever... And you know what, maybe its a good thing. Maybe I am finding my place. In general.
I have spent most of my free time in Pärnu. I am not gonna go into details, but oh, how I love it there. The feeling of home I have is huge! Being surrounded with youth, with life. And water. Oh that blue deep blue water. And church. I finally have a church I want to belong to. A prayer answer. A desire that I have had for many years finally seems to find an answer. A beautiful answer. I am just walking in favor right now and the thing is that yes, there are days I dont even see any beauty and freedom but my heart tells me that I am in the right place doing the right thing. I already have a joke with a friend about how much I use the phrase: "I feel it in my heart!" but heck, I do. I do feel it in my heart! :) Its a beautiful thing you know.
Summer is gonna be interesting. I have a few things ahead of me. 3 weddings to attend to and some other events. So excited for Maria and Benjamin for their wedding in 1,5 weeks! Holland, here I come! ;) Or rather, here we come with the whole family plapla, but its gonna be good! A little roadtrip!
I am actually suppose to write my work-report right now but ofc I found an excuse to write a blogpost instead. Haha, and all that cleaning I have to do in my room, right?! ;) So much about that huh.
Anyway know that you are loved. I will never tire of saying that. YOU ARE LOVED! So very freaking much! And Ill try to write again soon... ;)

The more...

No blog post for a long time huh! Well, its been crazy busy. I have been away so much from home that its crazy. I really think I should already pack all my stuff into many bags so each time I go, I have a bag to take with me already... Its mostly been Pärnu trips and that should be no surprise anymore. I am really finding my heart and place there and it feels good to have a home! Every time I can go there only for a day or even less its so hard to come back. But today I know we will stay there for 3 days and thats something! Father´s Heart conference is about to start this evening and I am excited! It will be good, it will be so very good! I will lead worship (well, God will lead worship through me really, but its kind of interesting, this one, coz I mean, I am singing to Him and He is leading through me, I sometimes wonder how does that work, hahah)... :) And I will meet many good friends I havent seen for quite some time now! Only Father knows everything thats about to happen and I can just rest in the peace that He is with us!
The more I seek You
The more I find You
The more I find You
The more I love You

Smile beibi, smile!

"Sometimes I´ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
I had an amazing weekend with this wonderful lady! Went to Finland on Friday to surprise my friend Tiina on her birthday - "30"! It was such a great day with her and her most important women! I enjoyed every single moment (High Tea, Les Miserables /I finally saw the movie I had been wanting to see since it came out/, dinner). And Im so happy I got over my fear to go on my own. I did it. Haha, well, what fear. More like not wanting to travel alone! ;) Tiina is just so precious and beautiful and smiley its crazy! I love her hugs and her. SO very much.
Great weekend indeed! ;) Oh and Sunday. Well, wow! I was so tired and we were going to a church in Helsinki with my dad to serve. Worship, testimony etc. AND God did it again. He spoke and I had to do nothing but let Him! Jup. So very good. And later as we traveled back I was like, that was the best trip to Finland ever! So blessed and blessed! haha...

This love.

I havent written for a while. Have been a bit busy I guess... Work, walk, live, laugh, read, clean, eat, pray. Basically everyday things but the most important things. Really if you think about it. I think laughing is sometimes even more important than eating. Or reading more important then working! ;) Just saying.

Anyway its been quite a few good days. With its ups and downs. But I have seen some progress with Hardi and I believe this little guy deserves people to take him as he is. With no expectations. With no past-mistakes. He is just a little boy with a big body. He also belongs to my Father. So really, why cant people see that? I mean. Why do we so often look at the past mistakes and take people for what they have done. Instead of looking at them with today´s eyes. With new eyes. He made me a bright-beautiful bracelet the other day and I just looked at him and was in awe. He has a huge heart. This little boy!

Today will be great. A friend is visiting and then Im off to Pärnu with him! To see some precious people again and then Im back tomorrow early morning. Its gonna be wonderful! :)

Oh and its actually so good to be 26. For some reason Im loving this age. So perfect, so round, so me! ;)

Anything could happen.

26. I am so 26 and I actually feel like a woman. Like a 26-year old woman. Maybe its just to do with the fact that I was told so many beautiful things and it got into my heart... This feeling of being a woman. Haha... Well. Ill just share about my last days coz they have been incredible. I have felt overwhelmed by love and care. And here I am sitting thinking that I must be crazy to travel so much but heck. I love my friends.

So on Saturday I traveled to Tartu. I had a day out with Barbala, we sat in 3 different places and walked some distances to get rid of the cakes and pizza and tea and coffee and to enjoy beautiful Tartu. It was so much fun with her, it always is. And later I went out with my girls V and L and it was so good as well. We had cake again and actually. Its just comfortable with them. Thats why I love it there. :)

And on Tuesday on my real day... Haha, it was actually the first night after many nights of sitting up where I slept and then 7am my door swung wide open and my parents and Ester came in singing. It was so precious but heck I was tired. Flowers, kisses, hugs... ;) Then I drove to my kindergarten and brought them cookies I had baked the night before. Then drove back and the celebrations could start. Had lunch with my parents and one good friend and then drove to Tallinn... We were suppose to go to the zoo but heck. The minute we stepped out from the car I was about to be blown away by cold wind and it was just a nono. Instead we managed to kill some small animal on our way to Tallinn and oh adventures-adventures (I think we would have been banned to enter the zoo anyway, haha). Im not gonna really go into details over Tallinn, some things can just stay into my heart. :) But it sure was good. 

Around 9pm we arrived to Pärnu to celebrate with the Veedla´s! Its always party with them! ;) I love their family and that cherry-cake. YUM! And yesterday I came back by bus and realized that I had celebrated my birthday in 5-6 different places and people... Crazy! Its the most I have had. Its the most blessed I have felt. Each year has been special. I am special. All the comments, texts, love, messages, letters, calls, words... I really cried my eyes out yesterday while reading everything over. So many memories and good stuff! I love my friends. I am loved!

And today. That blew my mind. I went to work and suddenly all the staff was there with flowers and then they started singing and well, huh. I really dont know what to say!

Everybody wants to be loved. I never realized how much actually. And when you finally feel the love in such an overwhelming way it knocks you down. And on your knees. Coz the LOVE my Father offers is often through people. And this week its been through people. Through His people! :)

Dove

I will write about my birthday soon coz it is worth sharing. But now I found a little something online that caught my eye. I believe many of you have seen the new video by Dove where it shows how women see themselves and how others see them. So this article actually shares some truth into it. Which in my heart clicks. So Ill share it with you and you can do your own conclusions... :)
http://www.wonderfullymadeblog.org/2013/05/real-beautyreally-response-to-dove.html

Ps! My friend just gave me another one... Which just brings truth into the lies:
http://jazzylittledrops.tumblr.com/post/48118645174/why-doves-real-beauty-sketches-video-makes-me

Juhani - YOU ROCK! :) Thank you!!!! :)

twenty-six

Its my last hours to be 25 years old. I have enjoyed being 25 but I am so excited for the 26! Somehow twenty-six is special. Something is going to happen that I cant put words to. I am not saying I know what it is. But thats whats makes it special. I just have this excitement in me.
Its not been an easy year. I had to come back from Bala straight after my birthday. I actually never shared about the deep reasons why I left so suddenly. And I will not now either... It is not necessary anymore but there was stuff going on in my life and in Bala as well. So my 25 started with a bang. Kind of leaving comfort and money and work and coming back into unknown. Yet Father provided with a job and I have been working in a kindergarten even though uh, me and kids. Well we get along a lot better by now but its been a crazy-curvy-bendy road for me! :)
So many tears in my last year. So much laughter. Old people, new people. Love, hurt, pain, healing. Its as if everything collapsed yet God remained. He always does!
What I do know is that the dreams inside of me are growing. Yes, some of them are coming true but the BIG ones are still to come! I just gotta keep moving. I had an amazing time with friends this weekend and there was something one of my girls told me. About flashlights. That when its dark outside and you take out a flashlight, then it actually only shows you kind of one step ahead. And that's exactly how its been with me. I have been shown 1 step at a time. Never 2-3. Never a 10-year plan but rather a God-given-driven plan... And honestly, she said something else. That if she´d know her 10 years she would worry herself crazy over what and how and heck... :)

I do know twenty-six will be special. I am already so looking forward to tomorrow. I love surprises and there will be a few probably. I have to wait just a little more. Oh just hope Ill get my needed sleep (IF you do pray for me occasionally Id love you to pray for the breahing.plah Ive been dealing with, its going worse. I thought its better and then this crazy attack last night... anyway!)!

Sending my huge Kirsi-hug to you! ;)

Im gonna leave in 15 minutes. I am restless lately. I keep packing my stuff for the weekends just to go... Maybe I need to reflect on my inner stuff thats going on but as for now... Tartu it is! :) Gonna celebrate. Its my birthday soon and also one of my good friends birthday. So 2in1 it is! I just pray for a bit better weather coz right now I dont even want to put my nose out there!
Have a bjuutiful weekend my friends and enjoy some life!

Free

I get these random days off. And then Im like what should I do. This morning I practiced my guitar and recorded my new favorite song... :) Enjoy:
https://soundcloud.com/kirsika/free-cover-kirsika

Well done!

I was in Pärnu the last weekend and oh I loved it. The most beautiful city in my view right now. Maybe its because Im kind of finding my place there. Only Father knows (and ofc my heart is ready for Him to let me know as well, haha)...
So, 1 more week. Until my birthday ofc! Im not making any big plans. I have had the most amazing birthdays in my last years and I know this year its gonna be amazing as well no matter what! I just know I wanna see a few precious friends so Im gonna go to Tartu for sure and everything else is just in the making.

I went to a concert last night. Allbymyself (oh dont worry, I was not in a selfpity)... One of the teachers came to me and handed me 2 tickets since she couldnt go. Oh boy, I didnt realize I can enjoy jazz that much again. After years of not enjoying really. It was SO good. This one guy played 2 saxophones at the same time in one song and I was just like, HECK, really??? Anyway never seen and heard anything like this... Was so thankful I got myself together, dressed up and went. On my own! ;)
Anyway. Its mostly work on weekdays and away on the weekends for me right now for the last 2 months and probably gonna continue that way coz thats how I feel the most comfortable with! Oh and this week Im just SO thankful for my DAD! He is awesome. Mum went away and he is doing so good with Ester and food and laundry. Well done, daddy! ;)

Bring it on!

10 days and Im gonna be 26 years old. How can that be? I mean I didnt even notice how this year is just flying by. I still remember my last years experience how I was taken to a beautiful castle, ooh and that beautiful ancient dress and photo shoot. It was just such an amazing experience. And Im like, heck, its gonna be a new birthday already.
We have this saying in Estonia that when a person turns 22 then its his/hers last chance but when he/she turns 26 years old then its a new chance, opportunity. Maybe it means that this year will be my year or smth? Haha, well, not really. Coz when one walks with God the Father then every year is a new chance. Every day is a new start, a fresh start. For me it is... I am so happy I get to share my life with my Father coz on my own I would be doing something else. I would be looking to fulfill the empty places in my life and heart and Im not sure Id know who I am...
This last year has been crazy. I mean, I moved back from Wales to my parents as a 25 year old woman and I didnt know anything. Like what turn my life would take. I spent the summer travelling from one place to another and then got a job in Türi-Alliku kindergarten. How weird is that. I promised myself Ill never work with kids and here I am working with kids. Really? Sounds to me like a God-thing coz on my own I would not make it there... And not to mention all the change thats been happening music-wise... Yes, I still dont have my own CD, but I have been able to work together with some amazing musicians. Both in worship and also contemporary Christian music... So Im blessed beyond words and imagination. I just dont know whats next yet but when I look back God always has the NEXT for me in His time and plan! ;)
And what about the change thats been happening inside me? I mean thats the biggest change of all. I know He is healing my heart slowly yet firmly. He is a good Dad, my real Dad! I dont even know all the stuff that He is working with but in a loving way I am guided for sure...
So bring it on. Bring it on: all the adventures, all the NEW, all the friendships that need more healing, all the love that I can give and receive, all the chocolate I "need" and bring it on LIFE!