So basically I haven't been doing much in the last 2 days. Organizing my next month activities, sunbathing, eating candy and ice cream, cleaning the apartment, looking at some stuff, dreaming, sleeping, walking, visiting relatives... Its been quiet and much needed time actually. After the rally of packing, unpacking, going and coming its nice not to go anywhere for a week. It all starts again in a few days when Im gonna pack for Latvia (which is not 100% sure yet)... But until then just nice relaxing... Like playing my guitar and painting my nails. :D
But what I really wanted to say is that I feel so blessed. I went for a long walk today (which I do a lot lately, maybe just trying to stay fit unconsciously) and was just reflecting back to a few things in my life. Like today f.e. I received the sweetest little package from a friend far away. With the perfect nail-polish. And the funniest thing is that I have just so started to LOVE nail-polishes, I mean I have always loved girly stuff but lately all I do is change color so it was like a gift from Daddy! :) And its deep red - just my color! :) So as I was walking I felt so thankful. So loved and it was as if Father was telling me - "I love you girl. You can be as girly as you want AND I LOVE YOU. You are lovable and beautiful. And I want you to know it so I have surrounded you with people who will show it  to you." HECK, really Dad? I mean He even cares about my nails...
Which reminds me another story my mum told me a few months ago... She really needed a manicure and she didnt have money for that. The next moment someone handed her an envelope with exactly the amount of money she needed and she could use it for that. Isnt it wonderful how HE cares about the smallest details. He loves femininity. He loves all the smuchy-gushy-shushy-stuff that we women love. He loves seeing me in a red dress being beautiful and all. He even likes when I wear a little make-up. Yep. And oh man. Being feminine is the most precious thing ever. I have so started to like dresses and skirts and red lips and pink toe-nails... haha. You can laugh with me and over me but Im telling you there is something about being a little girl all over again. For some its purple hair and colorful clothes. For some its deep red lips. For some heels. And Im telling you now - its OK to like all that stuff... :)
Uh Im really happy. I love that I can discover that side because I have somehow been afraid of it. Like I mean I always wear my "every-day-normal-clothes" and keep the nice stuff for "special occasions". Well, and for what? Why? Some deeper fear that people would notice me then? :)
Yesterday as I was walking (more like running-walking, haha) someone behind me blew the horn for me and at first I was a bit upset and then something inside of me said that heck, its alright. I do have a nice butt and why should I be ashamed. :D haha, these are my exact thoughts. I wanted to be angry and I wanted to show my middle finger (good little Kirsi, haha), but as I kept on walking I realized that of course I dont want men to see me as a sex-object BUT I cant hide. I cant wear buttoned-up shirts and long trousers all the time. I am who I am and I mean, Im never gonna start showing off my body BUT I can be a woman. I can be feminine. And I can actually like attention. It is not bad. Yeah blabla there are different kind of attentions. And prob the horn-blowers weren't with the best motives. But I will take it as a compliment. :D

Ok I need to stop. Do you own conclusions and... have a nice evening. ;) hehe

Yesterday was absolutely amazing. Evelin is married to Benjamin now and I have to say it was one heck of a weather for that wedding. I think it was way over 30 degrees most of the day and all I did was drink-drink-drink. The only comfort was that everybody else sweated with me! :D
But yes. Im so happy I was a part of their day and I could rejoice with them.

So congratulation to BenEvelin. You´re wonderful! :)

It is time to celebrate. and rejoice. because it is never the time NOT to! :)

Going to Tartu today. I think my packing and unpacking never ends. And its ok. Because it makes me happy  to go and it makes me happy to meet new people and old friends. I think the hardest part is staying every night in a different bed but mostly travelling is something I absolutely love.
So have a very blessed and crazy-God-loving-amazing-beautiful-full of surprises-weekend everybody! :) Im going to a wedding! ;)

Absolutely beautiful little tiger-eyes

Double Double

I have to write it down otherwise the raw emotions I have right now will not be the same later.
***
This week.
Was absolutely.
Incredible.
I have been to so many FatherHeart Schools before. I cant count anymore. I have heard about His love. I have experienced it. But to actually hear Him speak to you so clear about so many things. Its as if somehow He knew you have felt so invisible and so alone. And its as if He knew you needed a reminder of how precious and valuable you are. And He didnt pass by. He came straight to YOU!
I wont share the details because so many things were personal. But what I can say that maybe for the first time ever I am going to stop focusing on the wrong things. And Im going to start focusing on Him loving me. Im going to focus on my Father and I know that Ill know soon what is my next step. But heck, it doesnt somehow matter so much anymore. It just doesnt.
I met wonderful people. But a part of me is happy I didnt have any close friends there with me so I could put my focus on the teachings and God my Daddy! I shared my heart with some new people. And Im just so amazed how many beautiful people there are in this world. Everyone I meet is so unique and beautiful in their own way. And whoah, what stories everyone have. Im thankfulthankfulthankful! I think I need to stop now. Im not gonna make this post too long.
Just to say that stop chasing after the wrong things. Let your FATHER love you and He will let you do what your heart desires.

I just realized how much I love the little name of my blog! "...on a journey." Whoah. I think its prophetic. Seriously. I think God knew when I put that name what its gonna mean to me. He knew that this girl is gonna be on a journey all her life and He liked it. He liked it because to be on a journey with Him is the best thing ever. To be loved by Him. To be held by Him. Kissed by Him. To know that He is all that matters. Whoah. To be a little girl again. In His arms. To really trust Him.
Have you tried? I mean have you really trusted Him? Your Father. Because yesterday... when I was lying on a floor and talking to Him I realized that I can. I can tell Him my dreams and hurts and hopes and stuff. Because He cares.
Because He is love.
And Love never fails.
Which means God never fails.
Daddy. My Daddy.
The best place to be. In His arms. So safe and so free.
So I am on a journey. Every day of my life. Im on a journey. And it feels good.

To show your love to someone is not hard at all.
Little simple things.
Like forest-strawberries!

Just a little...

...update.
So I was in Saaremaa for the weekend and it was absolutely the best 4 days. God did so much and I felt such freedom during my time there. New joy, new word for my life and new friends (+old friends ofc)... Im not going into details but it was just great! :)
Actually this summer feels as though all Ive been doing is packing and unpacking. Going and coming. And its a blessing actually. I have been more then blessed. I know my Daddy is so BIG and so caring. He has provided and I haven't lacked anything. I have all I need and more! Thats my Dad!
So tomorrow Im leaving again. Going to Finland, B-school. Cant wait to see my friends and cant wait to meet God! :) So precious. Someone just decided to pay for me (no names given so all I can do is be thankful) and I can go. I guess its my time now. Thankful, so very thankful.
Then after that I think Im gonna make a short trip to Latvia and then after that Saaremaa again. We´re gonna have a Father´s Heart Conference and then my mum+dad are celebrating their 25 years of marriage and then some other stuff. Its gonna be the busiest 4 days of this summer probably. After that Im gonna go to another camp, lead worship. Uh full summer. So very full and so very good! :)
So there´s my little update! :)

Home

When you know someone for 20 years its as if you have known them forever. Friendship with Liisi has been like that. I grew up with that girl and now 20 years later since we first met its as if I have known her all my life... She is incredably beautiful and talented and to really know her heart you have to spend time with her.
But Im thankful. That I still have her in my life and that everytime I visit this precious home, its like my home too... :) So very thankful for that friendship!!!!

Saaremaa

Morning. Im about to leave the house in half´n´hour but Im just writing a little note saying that I love Saaremaa. I love the family Im staying with and the beautiful island... I grew up here and I love the fact that everytime I come back its like coming home...Im not afraid to be me here. Im giving all of myself and Im receiving even more. Its as if I can be Kirsika here and Im accepted. And the family Im with, they are so full of Father´s love and it just shines out and I feel as though Im getting infected. Its so beautiful and refreshing.
I have been able to receive and give and Ive been able to just be.
Rest and also walk and talk and enjoy...
My Saareemaa! :)

...just a spoonful of sugar

Being sick sucks. I dont like that I have to carry a toilet-paper roll around with me all the time and I dont like the fact that I dont have any medicine at home. So Im kind of trying to figure out different ways to treat myself... Like putting honey inside my nose and rubbing aloe gel all around my face, haha... And of course I dont like to sit around the house waiting when it leaves my body. So I went out yesterday night for a fresh air boom and I got a little more cold. Gotta love it. At least I got some gorgeous pictures. Like the song goes "Just a spoonful of sugar makes a medicine down in the most delightful way"...
;)

Strawberries

It is time. To make strawberry jam and take sun and swim in the sea or lake... It is that time of the year. And I know that it is also "the time" to reflect back on the things and wait for the new things. But also to live in the present and enjoy the season.
So it is time...

Sometimes we have to do things the hard way.
Coz thats when we will learn new things.
And thats how we will develop new skills. ;)

I wonder

What if Im being prepared for something so big my mind cant grasp it? What if God is doing something so wonderful behind the scenes that it takes a little bit longer for me to reach there and see it...
What if...

What if Im just being very impatient with God? And what if He really wants me to wait a while longer?

I think that my life has been one crazy adventure. Going. Coming. Packing. Unpacking. Sleeping in hundreds of different beds. Seriously in the last week only I have been sleeping in 4 different beds. Not to mention the places and people I have met... Its as if something is going on in my life.
I have been influenced by so many and I have been able to share my story with so many in the last week. Its been so encouraging to see that my story has such a big welcome among the people. Among young women. Girls who need this story to see the light.
I love God. I love how He works...
Sometimes I just wish, ok, again my impatience comes in here... I wish that I could just SEE and DO things straight away. Without the waiting period. Hhaa. Its as if this sentence : "I want patience and I WANT IT NOW" really has a meaning... ;)

I wonder how much my heavenly Father loves me. I wonder how much LOVE He has for you because I mean if He is love then heck, He must have a lot!
If there is something I wish then it is this: I wish that I can wait until it comes whatever Father has for me. That I wouldn't make any stupid decisions because of my "I WANT IT NOW".  (Just an example: I want a baby-I reallyreally do, but I would not just make a baby with someone because I WANT IT, I am willing to wait until it is time for a baby - now you know my secret coz really, I want a baby!).
...
So but back to reality. Here I am, covered with spots of white all over my hands and legs and Im tired. I had a long work-day, painting tons of wood. Im still in Finland and not sure yet when its time to go home. Im am doing alright, I am actually doing pretty good. So... As we say it: "All is Well"

Moi

No mitä kuulu?
Ive been in Finland since Wednesday last week and had the most unexpected but most welcomed internet-fast for 5 days. The first day of the camp, more precisely the first hour of the camp I was like, WHY did I come. Haha, no internet, no phone-connection, no friends, no shower-possibility-only sauna, toilet outside, no proper food, no room for me really and then things slowly started to change. I felt as though in my heart I needed to make a decision. Either to be positive and accept things or behave like a teenager who is never happy with anything. So I made a decision. And suddenly everything seemed ok.
The camp was awesome. I met so many wonderful people. I was encouraged by so many and I had the most precious one-on-one time with a few of them. The worship on the last evening took my breath away and I stayed in the presence of God for 4 hours at least, we just couldnt leave the room coz it was so tangible. Father definitely turned up during these 5 days of the camp. I dont even want to go into details but it was pretty awesome. I felt as though a few dreams in my heart were set on fire again. :)
And the kids. Uh. I tell you. There is something going on in my heart when it comes to little ones. I was just so surprised how well I tolerated the little boys and girls. More than tolerated. I adored them. One small boy especially wanted to cuddle me and kiss me and called me Kirsikka all the time and at one moment looked at me and said: "Sul on Kirsikka-väri tukka" (it kind of means that I even have cherry-colored hair)... And another small one, I can still smell him when I close my eyes. The fragrance of a 2-year-old. Oh curly hair and these eyes and smiles... (On a picture Im with him).

Anyway going back to business. I am in Finland for a week or so more and then back to Estonia I think. Gonna do a little work here and there and I dont really know my next plans yet but Im not worried too much. Not yet. ;)

After

After a death like this you realize how important people, friends, family, your close ones, really are. You realize how much you actually love them and want them near. The thing is my heart aches. I never had a chance to tell him how important he was. How much our friendship meant to me. And how happy I was to know him. I know that writing it all down helps but it doesn't bring him back. What helps is knowing he is safe with my Father in Heaven.

I didn't have a chance to even tell you about my day with Ester coz everything else happened and it was more important at the moment. But I wanna share about that as well.
So on Monday I took my little sis to Tartu coz I really wanted a day out with her. So we went by bus and when we arrived we went to a cafe and then to the cinema. Madagaskar III it was with some weird 3D glasses, uh. I dont get that but anyway Ester loved it even though in the middle of the movie she suddenly realized how much she needs to pee. I didnt let her. :D
Later I took her to eat ice cream in a cafe and on our way back she fell a sleep on my lap. Was a great day with her. She was such an angel all day long. Doesnt happen very often. ;)

Now Im on my way to Finland. Mum+Dad+Ester and a few others. Some sort of camp I promised to help at and then later a little work somewhere with dad. We will see what happens after that. Im off now.

My friend. R.I.P.

The best way to remember a friend who has passed away is to think back to the good memories. The fun shared, the joy in their eyes, the smiles, the jokes...
When I think of Phil I remember how he visited me in Estonia (well, actually it was his second mission trip to EST but still) and my city, how the guys took him to sauna and convinced him that he has to make a move on me so he did and I told him off gently. Makes me smile :) How he brought me a scarf from India and I still wear it, it is my favorite of all the others ever... And I will wear it always thinking of him.
How he sent me to the train-station and waved at me until the train was far far away. And when I think of Phil I remember how I first met him in a small gathering many years ago where a pig was roasted and a friendly face came to introduce himself. And how a friendship came out of it that didn't die due to real letters we sent back and forth...

Phil you will be remembered with a good word and know that you are loved by your friends and family always.
RIP.

Real

Real relationships.
Real food.
Real love.
Real God.
Real faith.

We live in a world of fakes. We see fake relationships, fake food, fake love, fake God, fake faith everywhere. People are hurting people. And people are hurting themselves. People are believing wrong gods and eating fake food, food thats been poisoned by thousands of chemicals. And people think they have faith but all they have is false beliefs and gods. And that makes me sad.
Because Im one of them.
I have been involved with each of these. Making things into gods. Or having relationships that have no friendship for a base. Or eating food thats been bad for my body. And thinking I believe when I really dont.

I dont want that. I dont want any of that.
I want to have relationship where my friends really care for me and I know I can trust them.
I want to eat food thats not been through thousands of factories before it reaches my table.
I want to know what means to really love and be loved.
I want to believe in a God who is real. Who is who He is. God.
I want to have faith when everything else falls apart around me.
And if you look into your heart you know you want the same.
Coz your heart knows the truth.
Even if your mind doesnt.

Girls

Had an interesting evening with Ester. She posed for me like a little princess and I was forced to pose after her orders. It was fun but a little demanding (from her side - haha). Jup, Im training a little photographer here and its good coz she can learn new things, right??! ;)

Oh and thats suppose to be a new color in my hair but heck, nothing new happened. I guess not everyday is suppose to be a change-day! 

Labi, have a great Jaanipäev everybody and enjoy the new day coz its a day The Lord has made! ;)